Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Rollercoasterider on June 28, 2012, 12:53:35 PM
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I have created a survey at the main site. I thought of creating it as a poll here to get some quick answers, but then when I compared my poll questions to a survey I've been brainstorming for some time, I found they were the same and the survey is more elaborate than a forum poll.
This is informal and since the participants will be people who visit my site, it will be biased toward Standers. But evenso, I am hoping to collect some helpful data about MLCers.
It is only for situations where Bomb Drop was at least a year ago since there may be a lot of cycling int he first year and it may be difficult to tell of the MLCer is high or low energy, a Boomerang versus a Vanisher or Live-In. But the reat of you can certainly read it so you are familiar with the sort of data I am collecting.
Some of the questions are based on knowledge of the terms and ideas within my articles and I have provided links to those articles--or a brief review in the case of Jungian/Myers Brigg Typology.
I may try and post some results as they come--but not too quickly since I will need to extrapolate the data nd create some charts or something. But once I've got soem feedback, I will certainly let you know some of the results.
One of the things that prompted me to creat this now is that I am curious to see if Contact Type may correlate to age--or not so much correlate, but whether certain contact types are more common to certian ages--specifically I am curious about the Distant Types. Most may be Boomerangs across alla ges, but for those few who are more distant, are they more likely to be at the older end of the MLC age range?
Maybe this will answer some questions!
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc-survey.html
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Wow, what a great response so far!
Sometimes the data is unusable if someone put in a date incorrectly--I use formulas to determine precise ages at Bomb, length of marriage at Bomb... Any data requesting a date that only provides a year is unusable.
So I thought that I would post when I get something that needs to be excluded. I will give a few pieces of the data and if you would like you can PM me or to remain anonymous, send me a note through that little link in my signature for reporting technical problems. Or do nothing, not everything is usable!
I will delte the posts as/if I get answers.
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I'm going to post a bit of the data and open the thread to comments.
I think I will not create new images as the data updates, but instead update the images--otherwise I'd have to keep a file of each image and that would just be an unnecessary waste of space. So comment away, but understand that a comment that is old may refer to data that has changed and shows differently on the table after the changes!
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey-1.png)
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey_male-1.png)
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey_female-1.png)
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This and the two following posts will show pie charts—they are more interesting than viewing the data as numbers. The real difference is in male versus female MLCers—especially in their Contact Types.
At this point there have been 97 submissions, 73 male MLCers and 24 female MLCers. So you will notice that the male data looks a lot like the general data for all, so we get a more accurate picture by separating the genders.
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey_chart_energy-type.png)
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey_chart_energy-type_male.png)
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey_chart_energy-type_female.png)
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(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey_chart_contact-type.png)
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey_chart_contact-type_male.png)
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey_chart_contact-type_female.png)
Wow what a difference in men and women!
Notice that the percentage of women at home is significantly more—probably due to children at home, but I haven’t checked that yet. But of those not at home, they have a much higher likelihood of being at a distant contact level.
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These charts look at the MLCers who were home for the first year after Bomb Drop to see what their contact level is if they leave. The numbers don’t add up to 100% because the percentages are from the total rather than taken only from the smaller sample that were at home for the first year.
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey_chart_contact-level-of-at-home-after-leaving.png)
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey_chart_contact-level-of-at-home-after-leaving_male.png)
(http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/mlc_survey_chart_contact-level-of-at-home-after-leaving_female.png)
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Unusable Submissions
Received 2 July
I'm reposting this one because I made a mistake :P , and said this MLCer was female...nope, this is a male MLCer. And another mess-up ::) : I said he lives at home, but I should have said he was at home for the first year after Bomb Drop.
Incomplete dates: Date of marriage and dates of birth listed years without months and days.
Some data form the submission: He is an extrovert, Boomerang, High-Energy Replayer with a steady affair.
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Unusable Submission
Received 16 July
The contact type was listed as a steady-live in, but the date of continuous separate residences: February 2011. Steady Live ins have not moved out for a continuous period of time, so the contact type needs to be Clinging Boomerang, Boomerang, Off-n-On or Vanisher.
But the child is listed as living with both parents. Perhaps this is a situation where the MLCer moved out and then in again--if the move out was long, it is not a case of steady-live in. If she moved out for a few days--just crashed somewhere, then it doesn't count for this survey and that option can be NA.
If an MLCer is a steady live-in, we cannot tell there contact type yet, which is why there is a steady live-in option for that question. Why? Because steady live ins seem as though they are a close contact type, but many--especially female MLCers--become distant contact ypes (Off-N-On or Vanisher) upon leaving.
This live-in information can be confusing. Consider Sweetheart: he came and left 8 times. About 5 were big leaves--1 month at minimum and 6 months at the most (but that was only because I woldn't let him return at the 3-month mark). But that meant he was a multiple returner, not a steady-live in and his contact type was easily known--Clinging Boomerang--I wrote it about him!
Some data form the submission: this is a female MLCer. She is an introvert and INFJ, with an emotional affair. She lived at home the first year after Bomb Drop.
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This is really interesting to see RCR.
My MLCer (who prides himself on being so different from the herd), is such a spot on AVERAGE male MLCer! Fascinating.
His age at BD was 47 and we had been married 18 years at the time.
I am completely blown away by the difference between the contact types of female MLCers vs male MLCers.
That was a surprise. Would be really interesting to know if the female vanishers had children, or not.
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I am completely blown away by the difference between the contact types of female MLCers vs male MLCers.
That was a surprise.
Can't say I'm too shocked.
honour
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I'm amazed that there are 50% female vanishers!!!
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I'm amazed that there are 50% female vanishers!!!
Are you amazed that it is that high or that low?
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I can't speak for Mermaid, but I had no idea that it was that high, until I saw your figures.
It's almost as if female MLCers are capable of leaving their children, the guilt sends them running a very long way away. (if they have children that is?).
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I'm amazed that there are 50% female vanishers!!!
Are you amazed that it is that high or that low?
I'm amazed it is that high. As you said the percentage of women at home is significantly more—probably due to children at home
So why is when they do leave that the contact level is so low? Are these cases in which the children have already grown? Do the ages of the children or length of time married make a difference to contact types? Can you see any correlation?
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What I have seen on a Dutch forum is that when children are grown up or when there are no children at all, women disappear completely. In case there are children most women only have contact due to the children. But they ignore their husbands, they act like nothing ever happen, like they have never been married, like he is just some vague acquaintance.
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In case there are children most women only have contact due to the children. But they ignore their husbands, they act like nothing ever happen, like they have never been married, like he is just some vague acquaintance.
Yep, that just about sums up my situation, except in my situation there is not even the "vague acquaintance". It's absolute zero, nada, nothing.
At BD my/our children were D20 and S18. Next month it will be two years since daughter has seen or spoken to her mother. W will be married to another man next month and W has not contacted D to tell her so.
honour
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Ohh I meant 'small children'. Having grown up children most women vanishes.
I am sorry to hear your W is going to get married OM. What a terrible thing to deal with. And what will this bring for our children dealing with a parent who completely disappeared and having her own party.
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What I have seen on a Dutch forum is that when children are grown up or when there are no children at all, women disappear completely. In case there are children most women only have contact due to the children. But they ignore their husbands, they act like nothing ever happen, like they have never been married, like he is just some vague acquaintance.
Absolutely. In my case it is as if "father of my children" is some sort of title and not a term meaning we ML and conceived the children together. Like I am some sort of paid babysitter or someone who is just whining or complaining when informing her of something the kids need. In many ways I wish she would vanish.
So, does anyone know of a female MLCer acting in such a way toward their H and actually returning or attempting to? It would seem this is the behavior of someone who has moved on to never return.
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In my case it is as if "father of my children" is some sort of title and not a term meaning we ML and conceived the children together. Like I am some sort of paid babysitter or something who is just whining or complaining when informing her of something the kids need.
Thundarr - the men do this too. This is the crisis speaking.
I am like some androgynous drone to my H right now, and useful, at best, to him with the children.
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Don’t find it that surprising that female MLCers with grown up children or no children become vanishers. Women, non MLC ones, when they feel they are truly done with someone or something, they just close the door and move on. Of course in MLC the “being done” is not real, its crisis mode.