Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Tsunami on June 29, 2012, 08:44:12 PM
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Thought I would start this thread again to get other perspectives on this topic.
Just drives me nuts, won't talk, respond to emails, answer questions..talk about being shut out and closed off, just total insanity.
Once again, we are dealing with children who can't emotionally deal with us period, this is crazy behavior coming from an adult.
I know OP, "Sounds like MLC to me!"
Does this get you as frustrated as it does me?
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hey Tsunami,
This IS MLC - you need to be lovingly detached from your MLCer to be able to navigate these choppy waters without feeling frustrated. We become single parents when our husbands and wives enter MLC - they are focussed on themselves emotionally irresponsible. MLC is about control and ignoring e-mails etc is all about trying to control you.
MLC takes time. More time than we can possibly imagine. Our lives and those of our children pass us by way too quickly if we don't see the reality of our situation, lovingly detach from the MLCer and their antics and live your life 'as if' they are not coming back (which includes raising children).
It can be frustrating if you have expectations about how the MLCer is going to behave - if you have no expectations of your MLCers behaviour, are accepting of your current reality and live your life as if they are not coming back then the frustrations are fewer and further between and also help you to see the landscape we operate in in all its techni-color madness.
((hugs))
P
x
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Hey Tsu,
Glad to have you back! It seems that nothing has changed from this time last year, though, as your H seems to be hiding from you in the most cowardly way possible. To me, your H is a textbook Vanisher but that really doesn't mean anything in the long run other than that you have to deal with things differently than those of us who have Boomerangs. You sound well but I don't see as much of your sense of humor as I remember. Come on, lady, let it all hang out!! LOL!!
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Does this get you as frustrated as it does me?
I would have to say I am far more frustrated by this than anything. It has been two months only for me since I have seen him and I am still in shock that he would pull away so much from me, our sons and pretty much everyone. I have anger towards this as well - I try to re-direct it mostly but it is always there hovering because he can't even show the common decency to do anything but ask through third parties if his things are okay and what I am doing. I think about this rather than the PA.
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Hi Tsu,
sorry to here things haven't gotten any better.
How is your health?
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I think this is the hardest, indifference is more hurtful than anger. My H is mostly a vanisher, but he will occasionally respond and seem like he is going to engage about the kids or the house ( I know better than to have an R talk) but then he is gone again. It's the weirdest most crazy behavior. One day he is emailing about how can he help, then no response.... he's gone again. It is so hard to detach, to not get hopeful, but the disappointment stings alot when he vanishes again. I guess this is MLC. He has some text contact with my 21 yr d and my 16 yr s. My 20 yr old s is working for him this summer, so he is the only one of us that has much of a relationship with my H. It impacts him though as he is often crabby and seems uncomfortable talking to me about his work, so I ask less and less. MLC hurts the whole family. It's a family dis-ease. We are all impacted.
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I know this feeling very well- my h doesn't contact me in any way, no texts, emails, never answers his phone, nothing. We know have to communicate thru our attorneys. This has causes so much destruction for my sons, the 2 out of town barely ever speak to him, the oldest one now refuses to have hid father pay for his car insurance so he' s selling his car. The youngest son does work in one of the labs at my h's clinic, but doesn't seem happy with the job this year at all and is quitting early.
I have spoken with several people from his department and they ask where have I been and why doesn't my h attend any of the functions anymore. I just tell them he has left our home and lives on his own. They all seem very surprised. But he seems to be functioning well at his job so now he is happy in his own way.
All the sadness and destruction, he doesn't see ANY OF IT.
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Second Thundarr, your husband is textbook vanisher. I no longer get frustrated by the silences of mine. Have got used to it for years and find it quite a relief and refreshing from mad monster and anger.
If I really have anything absolutely urgent and fundamental to ask him I call him at work, make the question and he will answer. But I only do that for tax/legal reasons or a true emergency.
We don’t have children so it is much easier. No need to worry with absent daddy.
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Second Thundarr, your husband is textbook vanisher. I no longer get frustrated by the silences of mine. Have got used to it for years and find it quite a relief and refreshing from mad monster and anger.
If I really have anything absolutely urgent and fundamental to ask him I call him at work, make the question and he will answer. But I only do that for tax/legal reasons or a true emergency.
We don’t have children so it is much easier. No need to worry with absent daddy.
Mine won't even sign the dang tax paper I sent up to him and mail it back to the accountant so I had to go ahead and file married but filing separate and it cost me more money. He won't get a phone of his own because he wants to save money not spend it on a phone bill - he figures my pride will prevent me from calling OW's phone but when it is serious enough I think I could gather the courage to call and hang up until he answers......lol. yeah still chicken but I refuse to engage with her as I talked with her once and she apologized for her actions to me said she would step out of it and then turned around and facebooked him I got your back babe. I really, really abhor liars.
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Tsunami,
I am so glad you started this thread. It is a good title and caught my attention quickly. We all want emotional detachment and the silence and no replies is heartbreaking but in my opinion, we, the LBS, have control over all of these things. We have control over us and our actions, our feelings, our expectations.
Read what you wrote:
Just drives me nuts, won't talk, respond to emails, answer questions..talk about being shut out and closed off, just total insanity
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He wont talk, he wont respond to emails or answer questions because he can't right now. We have expectations when we contact them and then we are disappointed when they don;'t respond in a way that we expect. Get rid of your expectations and don't contact him. Step back and leave him to being "shut out and closed off".
Once again, we are dealing with children who can't emotionally deal with us period, this is crazy behavior coming from an adult.
He doesn't have a clue what to do or how to do it. It is frustrating to deal with an adult that emotionally can't deal and it is crazy behavior but you have control of you. Get off the crazytrain :o :o and let his take him where he needs to go.
I know OP, "Sounds like MLC to me!"
Exactly, that is the only explanation for his behavior and MLC takes time. Don't we all just hate that part...time. :D
Does this get you as frustrated as it does me?
Oh My is it frustrating. Again, it is all about expectations. If you have none then you wont be disappointed. You know what to do. You know better than anyone how the process of MLC works. You need to live it. Step away from the situation and think about what you would say to another LBS if they were in your situation.
If you lessen your expectations and don't put yourself in a position to be shut out, then detachment comes. You have to do what is best for you in your situation.
Tsunami, Your h hasn't vanished, he is there checking in when he mows the grass or communicates with you about the house or repairs. He is just not ready to give you what you want or need right now. Give him time and space. I know it is hard but even though his contact is small, he gives you a clue where he is emotionally.
Pray for emotional detachment, lower your expectations and reduce the risk of being shut out by limiting contact. You know all of this, you are one smart lady. You are doing great and you can do this. :)
Just breathe, focus, breathe somemore and pray...
Hugs and love to you,
Storm
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Does this get you as frustrated as it does me?
Absolutely. I gave mine the divorce that she wanted, she destroyed our savings, and we will be selling our home... We have two kids to care for, and she doesn't respond to texts. and ignores me when I come to the door.
If absolutely necessary she responds 'ok'. It's so frustrating when we have business to take care of... I'm not looking for an R, or to talk about our relationship... but we still have kids, and a house to sell... and assets to split.
I told her that whenever I ask her anything, and there is no response, it will mean YES. I'm sure that pisses her off... No change in my mlc'er for 18 months.
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No change in my mlc'er for 18 months.
From RCR's article Being Number One
I know, two years feels like an eternity, but in MLC it's merely the end of the beginning.
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MLC hurts the whole family. It's a family dis-ease. We are all impacted.
This is profound. MLC is a dis-ease of the whole family as the entire dynamic is thrown into chaos. I know you're pretty new here, but I have never seen it put so directly and clearly. Perhaps in the future we may look at this in this way rather than something our spouses are going through alone.
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Mine won't even sign the dang tax paper I sent up to him and mail it back to the accountant so I had to go ahead and file married but filing separate and it cost me more money. He won't get a phone of his own because he wants to save money not spend it on a phone bill - he figures my pride will prevent me from calling OW's phone but when it is serious enough I think I could gather the courage to call and hang up until he answers......lol. yeah still chicken but I refuse to engage with her as I talked with her once and she apologized for her actions to me said she would step out of it and then turned around and facebooked him I got your back babe. I really, really abhor liars.
Lucky for us our account takes care of everything, we don't need to sign. Mine has a phone of his own since a few months prior to BD (he has never had one before). I could not call OW even if I wanted. Only become aware of OW1 phone years after she was no more and I have no idea what OW2 number is. Still, I don't have any interest in talking to OW. Husband and I are not on each other Facebook. SIL is on mine but OW2 keeps quiet there for the most part. No "Got you back babe" or any similar thing.
MLC hurts the whole family. It's a family dis-ease. We are all impacted.
This is profound. MLC is a dis-ease of the whole family as the entire dynamic is thrown into chaos. I know you're pretty new here, but I have never seen it put so directly and clearly. Perhaps in the future we may look at this in this way rather than something our spouses are going through alone.
Think for most, specially the ones with kids, MLC is a family dis-ease and it hits both the MLCer and the LBS families. In my case only my family had been hit, having me back and having to provide and help while husband has fun. I tend to say husband’s MLC is a test to my family more than one to me. Thundarr, in my view they are going through it alone. What they do is cause chaos, pain and hurt to a lot of people. We and our families are not going through it along with them.
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=961.0
Thank you everyone for sharing. Thought I would post the link from the first time I asked the same question.
It drives me nuts, and it's a short trip these days.
I will respond the personal inquiries via email or PM's. Thank you for caring enough to ask about me.
Laying low FTT, nothing personal.
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Tsunami,
Thank you for posting the link to the first time you asked the question. There was a lot of good information there. I especially like the male sunburn analogy. It makes sense, they are so sensitive that they withdraw and can't come around until they heal and being touched emotionally doesn't hurt so much.
The emotional detachment is hard and I don't understand it either. It is not easy to care so much about someone and they can just shut you out like a stranger. I have to think that the further away my H is from me and the more shut down he is from me, the deeper he is in the tunnel. So I have to assume when he starts to come closer and have more contact then he is moving in the tunnel. Sometimes I think he will be stuck forever. Also, I think it gives them time to work on them without outside interference. I am giving him space and not contacting because the last thing I want to do is add time to this journey or have him stall and not move forward.
It drives me nuts, and it's a short trip these days
There's that sense of humor. :D
Tsunami, hang in there believe me you are not alone.
Storm
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Lucky for us our account takes care of everything, we don't need to sign. Mine has a phone of his own since a few months prior to BD (he has never had one before). I could not call OW even if I wanted. Only become aware of OW1 phone years after she was no more and I have no idea what OW2 number is. Still, I don't have any interest in talking to OW. Husband and I are not on each other Facebook. SIL is on mine but OW2 keeps quiet there for the most part. No "Got you back babe" or any similar thing.
Our accountant did it as well, but he needs to sign the paper giving him the proper authorizations to do it on his behalf, he stalled and stalled so I just filed married but filing separately and did it late because of his in action - now guess who he blames for it not being done.