Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: underpressure on July 17, 2012, 06:12:02 AM
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Hi all.
I just skimmed the quick little Travelogue "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald, M.S,, LMFT.
It's a admittedly a slim book, and my expectation that it hold some value for me at his point is perhaps misdirected, but Ms. MacDonald includes one paragraph near the back dedicated to the scenario of each spouse cheating on the other:
One situation that severely complicates recovery is if both partners have been unfaithful at one time or another. Such ouples tend to trigger each other. This is especially true when one member is trying to convince the other that his//her pain is worse than the other's, or that the other person's misdeeds were more dastardly than his/her own. Both people end up feeling deeply misunderstood and alienated.
In such cases, I try to get them to agree to two rules:
- No comparisons allowed
- One person's hurt gets processed at a time
Betrayal is betrayal. Each person has legitimate hurts. It is important that both people get the chance to be comforted and apologized to by the other betraying spouse. This means each partner taking turns to listen, soothe and reassure the other, saving his/her own hurts for another discussion.
I am not in therapy with my husband. He refuses to go, and has refused for a long time. I am on my own here, and make many mistakes. I did make many mistakes in therapy as well. So, when H tells me he is out (with OW) and he can't talk to the kid on the phone, I tell him "It's not okay that you are doing this", and he immediately launches into a tirade about how it was not okay for me to do what I did (EA, PA), but that didn't stop me, what is the appropriate response? I tell him I am sorry. I did not cry about it, but I was genuine about how sorry I am. He continues. Is this the only way to talk about what he is doing? My PA was over at the beginning of November. That's 9 months ago. I am not saying that's enough time for him to process, or if there even should be a time limit. I am just saying that it's over, I am disgusted with myself, I am sorry for hurting him, and wish I could have never done it, but he is doing it now and not even attempting to hide it. He is telling me about it, proclaiming his honesty and transparency as commendable, insisting he can act with impunity and then of course when I ask "Who are you with?" He says it's none of my business. Of course.
If i go by the book, (MacDonald's book), I continue to say I am sorry, and to do so for 2 years or more. To expect to be doing so. I can do that. But what about if he is cheating currently? What do I say then?
I want so much to try to show him how sorry I am. Reading the book outlines all the right things to do if you are the betrayer. I want to do them all. Are truth darts appropriate here? Or should I talk from a place where his affair is justifiable and understandable considering what I have done to him?
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I think that he launches in about your EA.PA to re-direct you and in a way control you. You have said you are sorry, asked for forgiveness but you can't force him to give it. I wonder how he would react if you ignored his accusations and focused on the fact that it isn't right for him to do this to your child. I don't know say we aren't talking about my actions but yours at the moment, I recognized my mistake and corrected it can you say the same for yourself. This acknowledges you made a mistake but that you fixed it while he is justifying his current mistake with the past. I don't know how your H would react, but the fact is you corrected yourself, recognized it as a mistake don't let him control you with the past and your guilt, forgive yourself if nothing else. It happened you corrected it, you acknowledged it, you asked for forgiveness - let the chains of the past go. You can't force him to but don't hold yourself hostage either. Good luck.