Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: JAG on July 19, 2012, 02:37:47 PM
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Just wondering lately....any of you almost feel as though all good memories were fake? As if maybe there really wasn't anything to your relationship? I know it sounds crazy but lately I think about our past and every good moment and time spent together and I wonder if it was really good or just my interpretation maybe it wasn't good...maybe our "fun" was no "fun" at all....
just wondering what this is all about...maybe my heart and mind playing tricks?
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I dont wonder if my memories of our past together were as good as I thought they were but I do wonder if it was me that loved him more then he loved me :(
FH
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JAG, your memories are real, but your mind is help you build up defenses to detach. The best thing is to practice (and it IS a practice) not dwelling on the memories for now. Even if you were together and things were perfect, these memories wouldn't be popping into your mind as much as they are right now, so it's ok to keep them in storage. ;) Your H had some underlying things that lead to his MLC, but your love and your R were real. Knowing this is kind of painful at what you don't have right now, but also joyful that you never wasted one moment.
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Just like our mlcers being in love hides many things and we would defend them in our own minds too. Its only when we are forced to step back and take our own in love glasses off that we evaluate the flaws.
This imo does not make the good times unreal it just makes the not so good things become very real. We do the same thing as our mlcrs do in order to detach. They destroy what we had with them and it leads us to wonder if we were deluded and they make it sound so bad we can't help but wonder.
I think it takes a lot to marry someone its not done unless we both know we love each other. So yes its very real.
Sd
X
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I now wonder if it was love or need on both or either of our parts.
I do know this. I gave away too much of myself for too little.
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What everyone writes makes total sense. I guess being that I was only with my husband for 8 years and 5 of those married, we never really had bad or low moments. I know it sounds as though I am in denial, but really, we were always on the same page....never had any major issues or problems. We were excited to start our lives together, our family together, and then expand it together....and then BD...all changed...and the rest is history....or rather...MLC :/ :/ :/
i don't dwell on the past...I just sometimes think that my mind is trying to protect me by telling me it wasn't that great after all...it is the only way I can survive..
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Doesn't sound like denial to me - sounds familiar. :) Don't be afraid to let your mind do what it's gotta do. If those feelings of love are meant to come back full force, at the right time, they will. But if it helps more to defer them for now, I don't think that's a bad thing.
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What I honestly wonder is if I know what love even really is...not from them to me but from me to them also!!
Maybe I don't really have the capacity to give it or get it..what I thought was love I was giving as much of as I could up to a point ...but then getting scared at expressing a range of emotions...so I'm doing that now.
And with no practice it ain't pretty.... ::) But I am trying at least.......
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You have received good advice. I don't think you should dwell on the memories right now as they will serve no good either way. You have to just push that from your mind and let it go.
Make good memories of the times you are spending with your babies right now. The swimming lessons and the feedings and the little things that make your life complete.
((((hugs))) and more (((hugs)))
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Jag,
I was only with my husband 6 years total. It was both our second marriage. I KNOW we were both very much in love. The 5 years of marriage was truly wonderful. We shared so much in such a short time. Everything was just coming together......so to speak.......and then BHAM! BD! MLC! We had shared our dreams/goals for our future. We had started planning our dream home.....we both had retirements and working second jobs. Our future together was a beautiful picture. Funny how it was gone with the blink of an eye. But........you know what...........I still have a future. I don't exactly know where it's going but do any of us really know? I mean, circumstances happen all the time.....changes our situations.........constantly. So, it's just better to take life one day at a time......continue hoping and dreaming for your future goals. Nothing is impossible........All things are POSSIBLE through God!
I look at the memories as happy, fun, loving, enjoyable times. They were real. Just think........in a few years from now (5, 6 or 10)...........this too will be a memory.
(((HUGS)))
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Jag
Talking to S17 tonight about my life with his Dad,during the conversation I said "I need to see my life for what it really was and not what I think it was" meaning I thought it was better than it actually was.I was with H 23 years so maybe it is just a defense.
I was talking to a friend last week who said we have so much other stuff going on we can't access those good memories right now but in time they will come back,let's hope she's right bc at the moment I just don't see it xxxxxxxxxxxx
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Thank you all....great insight....great conversation....great reminders....we have only one life...memories are memories....I try and not think about the past because there is no point....I have to look at the future...at 29 there is a lot ahead for me and my kiddies. As my son naps upstairs and my daughters naps in the shade....all I can think about is what we should do when they wake up....one step at a time building new memories for me....but, more importantly, for them! So true...who knows what the future will bring...since we do not know...make the best of the present...and don't dwell on the past....got i...I think...haha....the head got it...now I just have to instruct the heart to do the same ;)
Thanks again
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I think about this all the time.
My friends and family who know my ex say they think he really did love me. Depends on how you define "love," I suppose. For a long time after BD and his move out of our home I kept thinking that he still loved me and would snap out of his crisis. But with 18 mos since BD, I've been able to get some perspective on my own issues as well as my ex-H's and although I know I truly love(d) my ex, I did not always show it in the best ways. I wonder if he ever truly had the capacity to love anyone, because he struggles to love himself. I think perhaps he idealized me and used my love to validate himself. When my love could not fill the hole in his soul, he stopped idealizing me and just saw me as the imperfect person I am. But that made him lose faith in me and himself. OW came along, desperately lonely and needy and willing to do anything for a BF, and he could once again idealize someone. The day he realizes she can't fill the hole either is coming. It may be months from now, or years from now. It may result in growth for him or more running. Don't know how I'll feel then.
Bird