Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Stillpraying on October 15, 2012, 03:08:44 AM
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I don't know if I've used the correct message icon but I have been thinking for a while it would be great to have a parenting discussion. I'me reading more of this through the threads and I know I could do with some help right now.
My kids are 10, 8, 6 and 3 but all soon to get into the birthday season again.
I'm finding they are less cooperative lately. Probably some of you will smile :P but they won't stay in bed at night and then in the morning they won't get dressed. We've tried all sorts of routines and they seem to need so much re assurance I'm still in the house. This eased off after H left 18 months ago and they were doing great. I've found it so draining these past months.
Any hints???
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Hey SP,
I have been thinking about this thread and thought I'd post what has worked for me!
I take good care of me first - not in a selfish way as I lead a dull and lovely predictable life - if I am healthy and feeling good I am a better parent!
I simplified my life - we do simple stuff together.
We eat together around the kitchen table most nights.
We read aloud to each other - could be an article off the internet or a book or magazine.
We watch tv programmes together - could be something they really love or something I really love and want to introduce them to.
I leave my phone in the kitchen when we are together - they need me present and in that moment not distracted.
We have 'movie nights' with homemade popcorn! I have watched some terrible, terrible films!
I have taught my children to plan, prepare, cook and serve a meal.
I read and re-read Gary Chapman's '5 Love Languages' and practice every day (my son who is 13 is a 'physical touch' child, my 11 year old daughter is a 'quality time' child).
I lowered my standards of cleanliness!! I am not obsessed about cobwebs - our home is lived in and loved!
I keep my kids 'in the loop' about what is going on in our lives - everything from shopping lists to increasing gas prices to planning our family holidays! This has meant they can have some level of 'control' and 'direction' over their lives at a time when they felt a lot of stuff was out of control. They learn about decision making this way.
We have the 'Oracle' which is the kitchen calendar which I write everything down on - they can see, at a glance., what I am up to and who with etc even on the weekends when they are with their Dad.
I am honest with them about everything. I use validation and kinder words in certain situations but they know I will always be honest - they have asked me some killer questions too!!
I positively affirm how awesome they are every single day via text or verbally or in a note in their school bag!!
I ask for their help in how to handle certain situations i.e. my exH's wife saw me last week and she ran away - I told the kids this had happened and they thought it was very funny! My son double checked that I didn't run after her as that would be 'too weird' he said!!
I read books about the impact of divorce on children and make decisions today which they will benefit from in their future lives.
I bore my friends (you know who you are!!) rigid with my worries about my kids and how they are coping and whether I am doing enough for them emotionally!!
I get up half an hour early every day to get my head into gear and plan anything I need to do.
My daughter is dyslexic and one of her issues is that she has no concept of time....so each morning we set a digital cooking timer when he needs to clean her teeth etc so that we can get out of the house in time! it has reduced the number of stressful late morning departures dramatically.
I have learned to apologise when I am in the wrong or having a bad day!
I am sure there are millions of things we all do every day to be better parents but I think we have to remember that we are in a marathon and little by little we cover a lot of ground!
((hugs)) SP
P
xx
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Oh I just posted something like this on another post....
A few years back, in the summer, I was staying home with my kids. A planner I am NOT and I felt like I was just letting time go. Our three are INCREDIBLY different kids. So....on Sunday I would "draw a name" for each day of the week (I always got Thursdays because that was leftover night...). That day that kid was responsible for ALL decisions....where to go, what to do, what was for dinner. Gave them the reigns. Totally got me out of making decisions (Thursday was also pool day. Always :). They'd help me with making dinner which gave us some one/one time.
Now...three years later....all of them can make one meal (ages 13, 11 and 8). The D11 is an especially good cook and can really whip up quite a bit! The others will often just put something in the oven that I either had frozen or previously prepped...but it makes a HUGE difference when they can put it in at 4:30 and it's ready for the table when I walk in at 6 from work. I think that summer (and other times...) helped to build their confidence.
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How would you feel about letting the kids sleep in your room on the floor? Put mattresses on the floor near your bed? I think this is sweet. Maybe read to them before bed, or all go to bed together and start a discussion--"What was the funniest thing that happened today?" And you all take turns. Or read to them? Eventually they will want to sleep on their own, but I am quite sure they do need reassurances from you. And you are exhausted by being a single parent. But aren't they sweet? Just revel in the closeness that they need. Maybe all have a slumber party in the living room every night. None of this is permanent--honest. Believe me, they will be up and gone before you know it. The closeness right now will pay off in SPADES! They will be more cooperative when they are older, with a little investment now. Cuddle with them as much as they want.
What about picking out their clothes the night before? My youngest had a problem getting dressed in the morning. I threatened to take him to school in whatever he was wearing. Finally the day came I told him to get in the car in his underwear and a blanket. "Yay! I get to wear a blanket to school!" he replied. My great plan backfired. Well, he got dressed before leaving the car. You can try that--just be calm and tell them they can get dressed in the car when it's time to leave. I SWEAR in a few years this will all be funny. You'll have great memories. I know I do. Just let them know ahead of time that if they are not dressed by such and such a time when you have to leave, they will have to get dressed in the car. Just matter of a fact, no frustration, act like it's such a great idea. They'll hate it enough to be self-motivated.
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Thank you all. What fantastic advice. Some of the ideas I do but there are some new ones.
No regrets, your youngest sounds like my S8. So smug when I tell him we are leaving and hes not dressed. yep, I had to carry him to the car in his PJ's. He's my toughest.
They did all help to tidy up tonight in readiness for my property valuation which is tomorrow (for the refinancing). S10 did a wonderful job and I can see the floor now.
One of the keys for me is MF's tip about getting up earlier than the kids. I'm finding it so difficult but I know this would help enourmously. Once in bed I just don't want to get out.
The kids sleep in there sometimes still but I have had months of them in bed with me, even all 4 some nights!!!
I know I am not coping well and taking it out on them so I need to find a way to sort that out. I need to be more organised so we can ENJOY each other.
The cooking is great. Mine love to help and S10 recently made a packet mix cup cake on his own with out even asking me. he also mowed the lawn last week and told me after that he did it.
I clearly have a lot on at the moment and need to find some balance and a way to be able to look after myself too.
I'd like any advice with the issue I have at present where H has refused to go back to mediation as he is happy with current arrangements. We had a plan a year ago and I wanted to update it. Something I really want to do on an annaul basis as the kids grown and our circumstances change. H is happy becuase he just dumps his responsibilities and goes away for the weekend and leaves me to have to stay home from work on the Monday to pick up D3 from kinder and the boys from school. If I don't do anythign he can do what he likes and actaully does just that. On the most part he sticks to the regular stuff but i can't just take days off work to assist his entitled weekends away as he calls it. Makes me so mad but I don't want to react that way. I know I have to plan my response or actions. Any thoughts?
Thanks,
keep the tips coming, they're great. A bagful of gems!!!!
SP
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Such lovely ideas, I don't have time to write more as my D2 is having a running race in the lounge!
Will check in later when kids in bed.
Great, great idea, I need advice and help as the children are my biggest worry.
xxxx
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LOL. That's a great idea!! Running races with the kids ;)
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I found this today and thought it may provide some food for thought
xx
(http://imom.com/images/thumbnails/tools/30_day_mom_challenege_2012_600px.jpg)
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That is awesome. Just beautiful!
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I love this.
I must say I do most of these, but I do need to turn off the phone, computer, tv more. Feel bad about that one.
Us single LBSs are truly awesome, non?
My two are S7 and D2, I was a mess for a couple of months after BD, managed to do all the right things, left crying and sadness till after they were in bed, but so preoccupied. I am more in the moment with them now and there is a lot of joy in our house. We laugh a lot!
Can anyone share how they told their children about H or W leaving? Did you tell them together? What did you say?
I have some very instinctive ideas based on the character and age of my son but just wondered what you guys might have said.
Keep being awesome mums and dads xxx
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Thanks MF.
What a great list.
TT. H told them the first time he left and was back 3 days later. The 2 youngest didn't realise what was happening as he still ate dinner here and then left to sleep at his sister's house.
The second time he left my counsellor (our former marriage counsellor) advised we sit them down and tell them together and as I write this the tears are starting as I see my dear D2 just look at H and nod in agreement. She had no idea what he was about to do. S5 also didn't get it but the older 2 looked stunned. Especially after they ahd prayed so hard for dad to return and he did.
The &%#@$ told the kids "mum and dad aren't married any more' ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???. I can see now that was just to justify grabbing OW theat night and starting a new relationship.
I had no idea there was even another woman on his brain. So when he made that statement I chimed in and said "well yes we are still married" and he just added something about for another year blah blah. I called him over privately later. Looked him straight in the eyes and said that we were still married and to remember that and also the legacy he would leave his kids. He looked so serious and stiff and stern and just nodded. like alittle boy in front of the teacher. i remeber thinkig how weird he isn't replying. He was deceiptful all the way through and I would never take him back and put my kids through that again.
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I know I am not coping well and taking it out on them so I need to find a way to sort that out. I need to be more organised so we can ENJOY each other.
The cooking is great. Mine love to help and S10 recently made a packet mix cup cake on his own with out even asking me. he also mowed the lawn last week and told me after that he did it.
I clearly have a lot on at the moment and need to find some balance and a way to be able to look after myself too.
I'd like any advice with the issue I have at present where H has refused to go back to mediation as he is happy with current arrangements. We had a plan a year ago and I wanted to update it. Something I really want to do on an annaul basis as the kids grown and our circumstances change. H is happy becuase he just dumps his responsibilities and goes away for the weekend and leaves me to have to stay home from work on the Monday to pick up D3 from kinder and the boys from school. If I don't do anythign he can do what he likes and actaully does just that. On the most part he sticks to the regular stuff but i can't just take days off work to assist his entitled weekends away as he calls it. Makes me so mad but I don't want to react that way. I know I have to plan my response or actions. Any thoughts?
SP,
you say you are not 'coping very well' - what is this compared to? Is it compared to how you used to manage things when you were a Mum & Dad 'tag team'??
I went through a very, very difficult time (for me) and it was all children centric. I am (on the verge of) obsessed about my children and the emotional impact of their Dad's departure. I have read books and still have a reading list. I spend every other weekend without my children as they are with their Dad and I have had some very dark and depressed weekends but slowly I have clawed my weekends to being more positive over the last 3 years. I realised (during one dark weekend) I had a cycle of grief to go through to come to terms with my new normal but I also realised that I had to be the one to accommodate these changes and accept that my terms of reference had to change.
I am big on mind maps and I did one about why I was feeling like I was a failure as a parent and also why I was afraid of single parenting. There was a lot of FOO stuff in there but the key thing for me was that I didn't feel up to doing a 'good enough' job on my own. I then examined what being 'good enough' meant and it lead me to see things very differently in my new parenting situation.
I employed a cleaner for 2 hours a week simply to do my floors and woodwork as I could cope with everything else. I do my personal accounts every single day (balance my purse and manage my bank accounts, direct debits etc), I have a laundry basket at the top of my stairs and when it is full I do a wash and get it hung up to dry (clean and unironed is better than still dirty and needed right now!!). I do the ironing in hour long bursts - this keeps my ironing mountain down to manageable levels and my motivation high to whiz through as much as I can. I don't drink alcohol on my own as I feared it would put me in a vulnerable position. This approach means that I had done 'enough' every day to warrant time with the kids without worrying about the housework or money or anything else......
Is there anything you can jettison or reframe in your mind to see the wood for the trees.
The other issue with your husband and him not behaving responsibly when he has the kids around kindergarten pick up etc is about control in my view - he can still control an element of your life if he knows he can do this and you will step into the breach and cover for him. Have you considered simply reiterating that he is responsible for his kids at those times and you are unavailable to cover for him (you must have a very understanding employer!!). His repeated breaking of the terms agreed in the arrangement last year may be used against him for you to force re-looking at it maybe?? Just a thought. Other than this you have to do something differently if you want the situation to change and that is about you being conscious and deliberate in how you move forward in this area.
SP, I think you are doing such a good job - 4 kids!!!! - wowee I have 2 and I still struggle!
Hats off to you as you sound like you are doing an amazing job.
Wishing you an awesome weekend,
P
xx
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Thanks MF.
Just wanted you to know I read everything you've said and it all makes sense. You have great advice.
It's late and I need to get to bed so I will post on how I'm goign later but just wanted to say "Thanks" :) :) :) :)
SP
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Copied over at SP's request!
((hugs)) SP
P
x
Hey TT,
It is really difficult to navigate the OW in our children's lives when we are dealing with a spouse in MLC. My children were 9 and 11 when their Dad left me for his exGF from when he was 15. She was 42, never married and a bit of a career girl. She also looks like Yootha Joyce but that is a different story!
Initially my exH was very clear it would be years before our children met OW but one weekend he had arranged it sneakily to bump into her at the cafe within The Science Museum. It was careering out of my control, he'd lied to me again for his own selfish ends so I had to make a decision very quickly. I chose to let the relationship between my children and their Dad be exactly that - theirs to make or break. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Research has shown that children of divorce carry the pain of this abandonment throughout the whole of their lives and it can have an impact on their relationship choices. When parents split up we break an unspoken promise to our children that we will be there for them forever - they feel that loss and have to handle their own cycle of grief and feelings towards the abandoning parent. I see this in my own situation as the root of my exH's MLC is the death of his mother when he was 15 and the emotional abandonment of his father who remarried within a year and his Mum was almost never mentioned again.
Once we know something we can never 'unknow' it - so we have to use our knowledge wisely. I choose to be a very particular kind of parent to my 2 children who are now 11 (D) and almost 14 (S). I endeavour to be the better choice when it comes to me or their Dad, not in a competitive way but in a how we live our lives kind of way. Our home is joyous and filled with laughter (and cobwebs and a sprinkling of dust because housework can wait, I've got kids to raise!). We have open and honest communication in a non-judgemental way. I am calm (on the outside) and proactive and supportive of their Dad with them. I get asked all sorts of interesting questions and I always answer them honestly (age appropriately).
My exH's relationship with our children is not as strong as mine. He has a shadow called his wife who is there constantly and the kids don't like her. They say she is dull and ugly (my D said she has more wrinkles than Gordon Ramsey!) and there is never any food in the house when they visit, which when you have a growing 14 year old boy that is an issue!! They operate on a different set of rules which is fine because my children spend most of their time with me so as long as the rules we live by are good and strong then what they do with their Dad isn't really going to make a detrimental impact is it??
Giving up on trying to control my children's relationship with their Dad meant that I have the freedom to be the Mum I wish to be. My kids are together, smart, still in touch with all of their family and friends and seem to be weathering what life throws at them. I have had many long, drawn out conversations with fellow LBS's who have helped me grapple with how I am raising my kids which helped calm my worries that I could be doing more to help them. I have realised that my children benefit enormously from having one sane loving parent who is their rock. Rather than two, separated parents who are fighting all of the time or point scoring or hating each other. Both of my children know that I love their Dad but am uncomfortable with the choices he has made and that I wish him no ill will. They also understand that friends are people who treat each other with care and respect and 'right now' their Dad isn't my friend but he may become so in time.
TT, I am sorry for this rambling post. My children have really been my total focus over the last 3 years. I have healed and grieved in private as much as possible so they could focus on dealing with their own sadness and know they could rely on me. We are a great family unit - we focus on the fab stuff in our lives and we spend a lot of time laughing and sharing our experiences. I still read (slightly obsessively) about teenagers, the impact of divorce on children and my latest book is the impact of parents who cheat! So I am definitely still work in progress but that's ok, I'd have issues and challenges to deal with even if I was with my exH. These are just different challenges I face now.
Count your blessings TT and you'll see you have a huge amount to be grateful for right now and this can be a good foundation to rebuild your life for you and your children.
((hugs))
P
x
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MF, I adore everything you write.
I second your post--I do try very hard to be what I call "the lighthouse" (learned that term here at HS) for my kids--that is, be the better option. I am fun and happy and stable and supportive of what the kids need and most of what they want (they really are quite reasonable). We, too, have a lot of fun; I tend to have a house full of teens most every weekend and we do a lot of laughing. I let the small stuff slide (bad language, "adult" humor from my teens) and get the big lessons in (live by strong values, work hard in school, be smart, be kind).
I really need a housekeeper. Nobody seems to care much.
I have been very lucky, as, in spite of the MLC and an OW, my xH is really underneath it all a very decent guy who has shown integrity with regard to financial support of our children even through university, which is quite expensive here in California. He has not tried to sneak OW into my children's lives; in fact the only sneaking he's done, really, is to do quite a good job of convincing the kids there IS no OW, without outright lying about her. And I'm grateful for that, as are the kids.
I've seen the effects of bitterness on kids' relationships with their mothers. It is a caustic poison that repels the ones you love. Acting depressed and angry is counterproductive. It is damaging to the kids and causes them a great deal of unnecessary pain. It may be immediately gratifying to pop off about the children's father in the heat of the moment, but it is a sign of maturity, and a goal of mine, to bite the tongue, to act less impulsively. In the not-that-long run, this is the WAY better option, anyway! I have come to learn by example that we MUST find a more appropriate outlet for our frustrations and anger than dumping it on our children. I have my divorced friends whom I can text or call and cry to; they will sympathize and talk me down so that when my children see me, all they know is that I am fabulous, and they want to come home to me (unless they're out with their friends.) Because, believe me, there are several times a week that I feel extremely anxious, jealous, fearful, and, yes, bitterly angry about what their father is doing.
No matter what, the OW and the MLCer are obviously damaged people, and if you're concerned about being the better option, you can simply always bear that truth in mind. No matter what, just being warm and sweet and upbeat and supportive, YOU WIN. EVERY TIME. Who would want to spend awkward time with two strangers rather than be home relaxing? Nobody. So, be the better option. Be calm, have healthful food around, find things to laugh about, listen to your children, engage them (ask open-ended questions, be delighted by their answers, or give measured doses of advice where warranted/asked for). Don't harass, harangue, berate. Don't hold pity parties where you are the guest of honor. Find your strength and be a great example (find work and/or hobbies that interest you, read good books, listen to upbeat music that inspires you, cook with your kids, make them help you with chores so they feel more competent and proud of themselves, research what they need to be successful at something they're interested in, etc.) Do something every day that makes you feel proud of yourself--stretch a little, do something you've never done before or been afraid to do (that is healthy!) Be brave! Your kids will thank you!
Even a "Disneyland Dad" can't keep up the charade forever, because they are so completely self-centered and WILL NOT HELP WITH THE HARD STUFF! I know my kids are grateful for all the volunteer meetings, fundraisers, and work sessions I go to on behalf of their extracurricular activities (these are actually fun!), for all the times I've taken them to the doctor or gone out at 10pm to get them that poster board they need for a school project that's due tomorrow, for helping them navigate school or sports application processes (NOT fun, except for the bonding and the appreciation they show, and the jokes we make), for making their friends feel comfortable in our home, for taking them shopping for their clothes or a birthday present for a party they're going to, etc. You know, it's the mundane or the not-fun stuff that is real life, and this is where we who LOVE our children ALL THE TIME, not just when it's convenient, earn our parenting stripes, where we earn the respect and admiration of our children. And, it turns out, that burning the midnight oil with our kids as they wrap up that school essay and help them fix the printer jam--that's actually the good stuff, where we bond deeply with our kids instead of treating them like decorations.
Life is good!
MF, you always give such great advice. Thanks for inspiring me!