Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Stronger on October 21, 2012, 07:48:37 PM
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I tend to read a lot of the stories about people reconnecting or reconciling ... it gives me hope.What I have noticed most of them have CB and a lot of contact or WS recognizing they have issues or don't know what they want. Those with children have a lot of contact. My H has never really tried to have any discussions... only occasional text about finances .
Do you think the contact type is any type of indication if the WS will return?
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Stronger, not sure I can help, H never left (except for four days), but I lived with him . . . (torture at times). I thinking if you ask CBs or Vanisher LBSers you would get different answers. What I firmly believe is that most LBSers don't wait (and so understandable) long enough and when the MLCer wants to come back they have moved on.
I do believe in the short term, the more contact the better.
Hugs,
Sassy
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I think the more contact the better too and that's what scares me. I have little or no contact and when he tried to cake eat in the beginning I told him I was not going to be the OW.
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I wonder (because we are nowhere near reconciliation) if it matters what their personality is (the true? personality). When I stop and think back about details of how my H responded or acted to something, i see that he really might be thinking about R or pondering - sometimes - that what he is doing is not what he really wants. But I know he's not going to bring up any remote possibility of it until he is 100% - maybe 90%. Which scares me a bit. He is such a perfectionist - that's why I think it's more like 100% sure...and how can one ever be really 100% (or perfect for that matter...but that another story)? Good question...would like to hear some more responses.
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I don't know what is going on with the Vanishers. I can't go No Contact even from my CB because we have a 5 year old and it just isnt good for our son to have his parents in NC. It's logistically and emotionally impossible. Does this mean I have greater chances of reconciliation due to greater exposure? I dont know...he has more opportunities to hurt me because I see him all the time. More chances to reveal what a jerk he is, and more time for me to feel crappy about myself for putting up with him and my lack of boundaries. I also have more chances to learn better boundaries and better ways of talking to him in difficult situations. There is a good and bad side to everything.
My H is playing peek a boo with me to reassure himself that I am there. But he doesnt care how I feel. "You are fine" he tells me. Your vanisher may not need peek a boo because he has too much of you inside him...already? Maybe no matter what he does he knows you are there and he needs no reassurances. I dont know! I do wonder about this though...There is a bit of that in my H even WITH his Clinging Boomerang patterns.
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I think we need to remember that our MLCer's often change their contact type throughout the crisis.
Like so many things, the Contact Types run along a spectrum with Boomerang at one end, Off-and-On in the center and Vanisher at the far end. MLCers may move on the spectrum--though they remain relatively static most of the time. When they move, they usually stay in a contact type for long periods. Some are Boomerangs in early and even late MLC but may Vanish once things seem finished--the divorce is final and either of you may have a new relationship. This may include vanishing from your children's lives.
This is from http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html)
I have seen this from my husband, he actually went a period of about 10 months without seeing me or verbally engaging with me (phone, text - only a couple of 'monster ' emails)
Now, he seems to contact me in varied forms more regularly... I just leave it up to him ::)
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Good reminder....thanks Mitzpah
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Maybe it's the LBS's of Vanishers that give up sooner because of the little to no interaction. With no contact the LBS probably detaches more and gives up hope. Not knowing whether there is any progress with the MLCer would have to be frustrating. I've only ever had a CB, he's never changed his contact type, although when deep in the tunnel there was less contact. I'm with Sassyone, I think it might be the LBS that gives up sooner. I would also think it would be a little tougher to reconcile when there is so much unknown on what they were up to, how they could detach so much as to not have any contact for so long. It think it also depends on how long they have vanished and whether they vanished to their children also.
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The thing with CB's is written in RCR's description of them, dependent or even co dependent. That bothers me.
For a healthy couple, interdependence is normal, but do I want my h to come back to me because he needs me or because he's an independent man who wants me. Know which I would choose!
I agree that vanishing causes the lbs to give up sooner.
My h is major CB and they are exceptionally needy, almost to the point of being unnattractive once you have healed. Its like having your toddler child stuck to your leg!
I do know that if he had just upped and gone and never looked back I would not be here.
Just mho.
Sd
Xx
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Mine's moved through different types. He was a clinger (live-in for several years) through probably two months after BD #2, then went to more boomerang behavior (still with regular contact). Over the summer he was more off-and-on, but it remains to be seen where it's at now. I've been a month NC (this hasn't been all that rare since summer), but the D has been initiated within that, so I'm not ruling out vanishing in the near future.
Having said that, the one consistent thing is that he is in replay, and until he isn't, there is no prediction on what the future holds. I've seen enough people on here have vanishers that suddenly started making contact for no reason to believe the type doesn't matter, but the difference seems to be the LBS. With a clinger you can be in constant assessment, and thus have more of a connection to justify standing, and there are times I think I'd want that, but then I remember that pretty much all of the emotional problems I'm dealing with now sprung from that, so the detachment an O-a-O and vanisher provides is almost essential for healing (for me at least).
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I sometimes wonder if the only thing that has any real effect on the mlc is what is in the issues they are running from and is it the ones with not a lot to put right in their minds that dont take as long.
Have the ones that have returned had less trauma from childhood than the ones still out running.
I wonder if the actual contact is more to do with the individual personality of the mlcer.
All these things we wonder and dont have answers for.
CrazyJ x