Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: NvrSayNvr on October 26, 2012, 09:11:39 AM
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I've been off for awhile. My D & I did finally had to move. Weird stuff goin on lately - nothing earth shattering - just odd. H gave me 2500 to help with moving costs even after i wouldn't talk settlement with with him. Wrote an articlearticle about D and put her pic. When I asked if he had extra copies or new issue, he said no. Then a week later texts me that he got some for me. He's been at all her games and texting me results, "we" won! Whenever i seehseehim though he has the weirdest looks on his face. Confusion? Apprehension? I don't know. It's like he's almost afraid to talk to me. But I am ALWAYS very nice and cheerful to him. Anyone experience this? He also has the dogs at his place now....after 9 months of "get rid of them"!
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NSN
Hi, just thought I'd chime in! We don't see an awful lot of H at the moment, he's totally lost! When we do see him he's wierd....he too seems apprehensive, almost as though he is frightened of me or how I'd accept him. In the past 6 months or so I haven't seen monster, it appears he doesn't want to alienate me. I have never been anything but nice to him, always made him feel welcome when he's here with us yet he still seems to have that fear of how I will accept him! ??? ???
I wonder if a lot of it is maybe their guilt at what they're putting us through, who knows.....if only we could read the minds of our MLCer......nope sorry second thoughts maybe I'd really rather not! ;)
Hope xx
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The double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
Our MLC'ers are definitely that!
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I don't know if this would be encouraging, or enlightening, or just more "weirdo" stuff, but it always seems to happen right about the time I begin thinking........"this whole MLC thing is just a fairytale I am weaving for myself to justify waiting on a man who clearly doesn't love me anymore......."
H has continued some "kind" behavior lately. For example, emailed me out of the blue asking if I needed help paying for car insurance. Since D's bio-dad just got laid off and that dropped 1300/m out of my pocketbook, I was like......."well of course it would.....how completely generous of you!" Instead of paying half of insurance like he did back in APRIL, he put more than than the whole bill over into our still active joint account. Stuff like that.
Anyhoo.....to my point, he texted D Wednesday, "I have tickets to the Lakers game.....can you come?" She was telling me about it today, and she says, "I really like being around him mom......he's funnier now. But I don't think you would like being around him........ he acts like a child." She did elaborate on that statement a bit as well.
On the one hand, I thought, "So, maybe it really is just over. Maybe he really is just happier now." When I said to D, "Well, that's good, maybe he really is just happier now," D responded, "No, I don't think so, mom."
Then, I keep going back to the choice of words........."he acts like a child."
Every time I start to think that MLC, at least in my case, maybe just a fantasy I like to keep myself in, stuff like this happens......... wanting the dogs back, "acting like a child", "his house is a complete Bro-Pad....... it looks exactly like it did when we met him"............ and he is living on the same exact street again, as the day I met him back in 1999.
MLC............. what a crazy ride.
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NSN, he is in Replay, i.e., Do-Over. You say he is acting like a child, his residence looks like when you met and he is back on the same street. Your D is right, you probably wouldn't like him right now. It would be like hanging out with kids.
My kids laugh at my H and the stupid stuff he says. But he's on their level. He really thinks he's quite charming and interesting and fun to be around. But only if you're about 15-20yrs old. He likes playing beer pong and listening to the latest music. Heaven forbid he listen to something from our youth. He announces "That's old!" The man is pushing 60. :o
Your H is not happier, but he is trying to be. Good luck. This forum is full of "adolescents" trying to be happy. I haven't heard of one yet that is.
I love the title to your thread. I will forward an application to my H. He is most definitely a Weirdo.
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My H is 37 going on 25. He appears happy and healthy and is having a very busy social life. I ofte doubt the MLC tag but the parallels with other stories is too uncanny.
I see snippets of my H he shows me he is very happy, very goodson of the time, very occasionally I see a grumpiness and crack in his "happiness". If everything's going his way he's on top of the world, if it's not he's a monster. I just wonder if ow sees this side of him?
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The weirdness is just getting weirder.
Today H asked me for my mailing address, and sure enough I then received an email which was a copy of the "MSA" (settlement agreement). This email was a forward from his attorney stating it contained the "changes we discussed". When I forwarded it to my attorney, they said, "He can't send this to you. He has to send/serve anything directly to us." Attorney also stated they could not even contact him because he is represented by an attorney as well.
Here's the thing..........his attorney forwarded this "settlement" to him, and his attorney obviously knows that H cannot send it directly to me, nor can H even send it directly to my attorney. My attorney also noted that H's attorney stated that neither of us had as of yet filled out the income&expense reports, nor the "property declarations".
Was this just some shot across the bow? Was he just seeing how I would react? So stinking weird.
In addition, I once again asked him about his infidelity, citing the fact that it cannot affect our divorce, only my conscience in my ability to move on with someone else once he does obtain his desired divorce. He stated, "No, I have not." (been physically intimate with anyone since he left).
Anyone else having this kind of carnival fun?
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Hi NvrSayNvr,
Unfortunately the weirdness is the norm now - the MLC is very good at weird. They all graduate with honours.... :o
I had a similar situation to yours - it seems to be all part of the script. After BD my H said that we could just get divorced quickly DIY-style and sell our home, like we just needed to fill in a couple of forms online and erase our life together :o
I went to see a solicitor to see where I stood and H went all Monster on me. Like your H he was convinced that I was going to cite adultery. I told him I wasn't even going to divorce him - he was divorcing me. I also mentioned to my H that this had no bearing on the settlement, but he refused to believe that and just got really nasty - threatening to make my life difficult. Eh, you already have done that you plonker ::)
They seem to be very paranoid - I guess that's what a build up of guilt and confusion does for them. And they often do things just to get a reaction too.
Read as much of the supporting material on this site that you can - it all helps in understanding the weirdness and realising that it's them not you.
:) x
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CB......... please tell me what "plonker" means. It sounds funny enough to get away with saying in mixed company, especially her in California! ;D I'm sure monster is headed my way, even though I haven't seen him in many, many months. My attorney responded to the settlement agreement with request for 12-months worth of income and proof of bills paid before we would look at their settlement. Not thinking that will go over well.
However, I have already prepared myself and planned not to respond to any monster-esque behavior that comes my way. This is not my fault. I cannot control his actions - only my reactions. Sheesh! I'm almost starting to sound like a healthy person again! ???
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I’ve been having the divorce/legal carnival fun for over 6 years. Like CB one, at first mine wanted a quick divorce, get everything for himself and erase our lives out of the map. Since he has been having fun with going nowhere court cases.
CB is right, often, if not most times, they do things to provoke a reaction in us. They want to have a fight/turbulence.
NSN, they totally dislike to be asked to summit any documents/expenses and some will drag and drag the settlement. Others are pretty quick, normally female MLCers.
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CB......... please tell me what "plonker" means. It sounds funny enough to get away with saying in mixed company, especially her in California! ;D
ha ha NSN it is quite harmless really. It's a sort of endearing term for an idiot. It was used to great effect in an 80s sitcom by character called Del Boy. Check out this compilation - it'll give you a real feel for how best to use the term ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahcuPHVz6aM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahcuPHVz6aM)
You can let me know how it goes down in California - I may have to come over there and help you spread the word 8)
However, I have already prepared myself and planned not to respond to any monster-esque behavior that comes my way. This is not my fault. I cannot control his actions - only my reactions. Sheesh! I'm almost starting to sound like a healthy person again! ???
Good for you! You are not just sounding, but you're ACTING like a healthy person. That is exactly the right attitude to take. Even your H cannot control his actions so you have no hope in doing that. It takes a lot of self-control to stop yourself from reacting, so well done and congratulate yourself every time you manage to do this.
Before I found this site I was reacting to everything and trying to fix my H. it was me who was pushing for a D and my H was refusing to share his financial details or even just confirm who his lawyer was. Everything is so secretive and hidden. I think they think they're in some kind of secret service - maybe thinking they're James Bond or something - who knows ::)
Keep going - your'e doing great :) x
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HAHAHAHA! CB, thank you for those words! You're right, it is SO very hard not to react. I've since realized that the paperwork H and his attorney sent over aren't even valid. All the necessary info is completely out of date. A bunch of stuff missing. James Bond?..........maybe his illegitimate ugly brother! ;)
And, yes, any time you want to cross the pond, you feel free to stop in California! I'll bet you could really start in NY and work across the country from one LBS to the next :o).
I wanted to share something that one of the physicians I work with told me. It was actually stated in regard to my D, who is waffling over whether or not to play sport in college. The physician said, "Indecision is a decision."
It immediately hit me how applicable that is to all of our situations. We have made decisions to stand, and yet so many of them have made a decision NOT to decide. Maybe it's just me........it hit me as very profound.
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hee hee NVN, yeh, the suave sophistication of James Bond doesn't really fit does it? Maybe James Plonker rather than James Bond. Yep, that works - "The name's Plonker, James Plonker" ;D
California is on my list of places to go and in fact funny you should mention starting in NY because I plan to take a road trip and it'd be pretty cool to meet up with some lovely people on the way. That is a great plan. If I was having a MLC I'd leave right now :D
The physician said, "Indecision is a decision."
It immediately hit me how applicable that is to all of our situations. We have made decisions to stand, and yet so many of them have made a decision NOT to decide. Maybe it's just me........it hit me as very profound.
That is profound NVN. It is a decision to be indecisive because it gives them some form of control, or so they believe. I am fascinated to know how this all plays out inside their heads. Is it part of the secretive deception thing - they find something to blame, i.e. their inability to control the pull towards the OW, or do they want more attention and sympathy even though they are being hurtful to others (woe is me) or is it simply that they have no control and are freefalling (or Skyfalling if we're keeping with the James Plonker theme). Who knows, eh? ::)
:) x
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I literally laughed out loud sitting here with my morning coffee as I read your note CB.... "Plonker, James Plonker."
I agree.........I would love to know how it plays out. I have a confession to make. When I got on the computer this morning, my daughter had left her facebook page open. I paused....but could not stop myself from clicking on H's FB. She is friends with him. Sure enough.......... he's got nothing obvious on there..........even still has photos of me, but of 34 "albums" listed under photos, my daughter can only view 12. So, he has 22 "albums" of photos that is hiding in some way. I'm very pleased right now though........despite my disgust with myself for snooping after all these months........I don't feel sad, angry, or even hurt. It is cracking me up the effort that he has to put into hiding things.......... it's not easy to hide things on facebook. One incorrect click, and the whole thing is public. It is those things where I realize they really can't help crashing and burning at some point. These fellas are just too old to keep up that kind of deception for too very long. At some point that house of cards will come crashing down.
My brother came into town last night........my brother who really never says anything about anything.......I dare say he is a bit shallow......lives in Los Angeles and all that implies. He sat down with me and says, "So, you talk to H lately?" I give him just the latest snippet about how he has been so helpful and going out of his way the past 3 months, and then a couple weeks ago I get a settlement agreement e-mailed to me at work. Brother says, "Eff him, and Eff his pension." I just kind of look at him because my brother never gives his opinion about much, and when he does it's usually not in my favor. As I still have not commented, he says, "Seriously. That guy made his bed. He Effed up. Eff him. You apologized to HIM. You forgave HIM and were willing to take him back and he kept walking. Eff that Guy!"
I know it shouldn't have, but it felt really good to have my brother in my corner and stand up for me like that. I have an uncle who still thinks my H walks on water and that I was lucky to have ever known him. :o
I hope everyone has a lovely weekend and smiles at least 10 times, and belly laughs at least twice.
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hee hee - ;D
I sometimes check my H's FB too. We're still friends on FB and although I've hidden his posts from my feed, every now and then I check his page. Not sure what I'm looking for or what the compulsion is to check - I guess maybe I'm searching for answers and wondering "is this really happening".
I also felt good when I knew that my friends and family were in my corner. I struggled a bit when I saw friends empathising with my H. That really annoyed me but I'm managing to detach from that feeling, slowly but surely. Not everyone can or wants to see the train wreck....
:) x
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Anyone like Mumford and Sons? (music band) I swear......whoever wrote their current album lyrics HAD to have gone through MLC......or be an LBS. Check out the lyrics to "The Cave" There's a few other ones, too, but they are singing to my heart right now. :o)
I hope everybody has a great, relaxing weekend, full of smiles and laughter. ;D