Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: JAG on November 12, 2012, 02:58:54 AM
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Hi there!
I was just thinking about the idea of detaching during MLC versus letting go during a "normal" separation/divorce. I get it that our spouses are OVER us and in-love (or infatuated) with another...so their visits don't bring up these emotions in them...but they bring up emotions in us.
In the media we see so many celebraties dating soon after their separation/divorce. In real life most of us know at least one couple that has separated/divorced after attempting to make things better. Well, in these cases I believe that the letting go and moving from being in-love to simply loving the father or your children, or person (for those without children), occurs pretty soon....I guess there is a straighter, more direct path to the end of a marriage/relationship.
When it comes to MLC, as we all are here for this reason, it is harder I find. I have become quite good at this detachment. My heart no longer jumps/skips a beat when he arrives and I am no longer devastated when he leaves. However, what I am having a hard time doing is letting go of the love I feel for him. I guess if I let go of the love than my stand turns into not standing....but how could I ever stop loving him? How can we ever completely detach when we still love these people? Can anyone explain this? I am detaching...but I am stopping to love. If I don't stop loving him...how do I ever detach completely (especially when he comes by every 7 to 10 days)?
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Hey Jag,
I was thinking about something like this over the weekend. I think the hardest part about detaching for most of us is that the relationship didn't deteriorate over time which would have helped us to be able to just walk away and maybe even be relieved that it was over. For most of us the relationship was GOOD and we did not see this coming. If we had a bad relationship we wouldn't miss it and almost surely wouldn't stand in the face of what we are going through now, but in this case it's so hard to let go of something that was positive. It's almost akin to giving up eating a food you hate as opposed to giving up one that you love.
This may be complete nonsense as I just got up and will probably read it later myself and say "What was I saying again?" but it did remind me of a thought trail I had over the weekend.
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JAG
Detaching doesn't mean losing the love you have for your H. Detaching is getting to a place where your H can no longer hurt you emotionally.
As you become more and more detached you may feel that your love is lost and disappeared. But your love is still there waiting to be ignited when the time is right as you get to know each other again if you have another chance at a new relationship.
You sound as if you are well on your way to being totally detached :)
xx
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Funny JAG,
I was just reading the detaching article again. It's one of the best ones I have seen. I really struggle with the fear I will just stop loving him. As I gain equilibrium and start enjoying my life I am questioning my marriage, but I DO know as Thundarr says it was essentially good and could have been made wonderful again with effort from both of us.
For me personally I have had people tell me I need a "break up" fling. It seems society is ok with that as marriage like most things has become disposable. My closest friends know this will never happen. Some think it's because we can't move on, but I believe detaching enables us to just compartmentalise those romantic loving feelings.
When I don't see my H I am thinking of him lots but getting on with things. When I see him, I look at him and realise I do love him very much still. I have realised what helped me enormously was the decision to treat him with compassion, however obnoxious he and the OW were being. I have had much more peace in my heart. This has helped me detach and helped me be more compassionate and so it cycles. It's definitely a work in progress, but separating my emotions from him has been amazing, but I do worry eventually the love will die. I only ever wanted to be his wife.
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I'm getting to place where he cannot hurt me because I do not have any (or hardly any) contact. But to be honest I am not really detached (nearly a year BD) as I think about him first thing when I get up to when I go to bed, most of the time. I don't like myself for doing this as I don't think I enter his head much these days other than in a negative way, with regards to the house and finances. I love him, or at least the person he was and hate the person he is now, which is a terrible thing to do, to hate someone, but that is how I feel some of the time. Maybe I should try harder to detach, maybe I'm a bit afraid to.
STG
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Seethegood,
Hate is about passion so I think it's closely linked to love. I'd worry when you wake up and don't think of him at all. Just my two pence worth.
Standing is so complex and so personal.
B
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Hi I always remember talking to someone whose h had a mid life crisis 25 yes ago and obviously she dud not understand what was. She divorced him and found someone else who she is happy married to for 20 yes. But she always said she still loved her first h but it was the 'love' not the 'in love' sort. Her h regretted the divorce by the way and leads a miserable life with the ow. He was one who did not get 'stuck' but had to try and make it work. He never married the ow just live together. This woman and her ex just talk as friends now but she still feels it.
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for most of us is that the relationship didn't deteriorate over time which would have helped us to be able to just walk away and maybe even be relieved that it was over. For most of us the relationship was GOOD and we did not see this coming.
This makes complete sense and so true!
Detaching doesn't mean losing the love you have for your H. Detaching is getting to a place where your H can no longer hurt you emotionally.
Just asking....I like this! And I agree with this. I think I am at that place....it has been a long time since I felt anger or my heart racing (whether it is when he sends an email or when he says something). In short, I don't get angry at him or mad at him, I don't sit up at night thinking about what he is doing or who he is doing it with. I simply don't. I am detached emotionally in the way that he NO LONGER can get to me or hurt me. I am in control of my destiny and my kids. But...as you said, the love I have for him is still here...strange isn't it?
but I do worry eventually the love will die. I only ever wanted to be his wife.
I think this is everyone's fear....because, at the end of the day, we loved them so very much and were willing to spend our entire lives with them...that is saying a lot! Why would anyone NOT want to feel what we had again? So of course we are scared of losing that...we would be crazy not to!
as I think about him first thing when I get up to when I go to bed, most of the time.
I don't think this means not being detached. I think about my H often....but I don't think about him in a longing way....I think of him as if he were on a business trip and I miss him....I play with my kids and think about H and how the old him would have fun....I hear a song on the radio and I think of him....but again...this is normal and I don't think it is because you are not detached, I think it is because for so many years he was a part of your life...and will always be in a way...
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I'm getting to place where he cannot hurt me because I do not have any (or hardly any) contact. But to be honest I am not really detached (nearly a year BD) as I think about him first thing when I get up to when I go to bed, most of the time. I don't like myself for doing this as I don't think I enter his head much these days other than in a negative way, with regards to the house and finances. I love him, or at least the person he was and hate the person he is now, which is a terrible thing to do, to hate someone, but that is how I feel some of the time. Maybe I should try harder to detach, maybe I'm a bit afraid to.
STG
I could have written this. BD was 17 months ago.
Hey Jag,
I was thinking about something like this over the weekend. I think the hardest part about detaching for most of us is that the relationship didn't deteriorate over time which would have helped us to be able to just walk away and maybe even be relieved that it was over. For most of us the relationship was GOOD and we did not see this coming. If we had a bad relationship we wouldn't miss it and almost surely wouldn't stand in the face of what we are going through now, but in this case it's so hard to let go of something that was positive. It's almost akin to giving up eating a food you hate as opposed to giving up one that you love.
This may be complete nonsense as I just got up and will probably read it later myself and say "What was I saying again?" but it did remind me of a thought trail I had over the weekend.
This too, makes perfect sense.
Well you 2 saved me some writing! ;D
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I'd worry when you wake up and don't think of him at all.
When truly detached you do wake in the morning and never think of him/her. Some days I never think of my H! In totally detaching your should be leading your life for you and moving forward. There will be times you will get knocked sideways but you will regain your detachment quickly.
Unfortunately detachment doesn't come overnight. It can take 2 or even 3 years sometimes to truly get there. But throughout this time detachment grows. Letting our spouses pull us in emotionally hinders the process as we have to deal with the fall out before finding solid ground again.
;)
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In the media we see so many celebraties dating soon after their separation/divorce. In real life most of us know at least one couple that has separated/divorced after attempting to make things better. Well, in these cases I believe that the letting go and moving from being in-love to simply loving the father or your children, or person (for those without children), occurs pretty soon....I guess there is a straighter, more direct path to the end of a marriage/relationship.
I don't believe it's straighter, if anything it becomes more convoluted and difficult especially when blended families, step parents, etc. are involved.
IMO we are all connected by a web of shared places, activities, friends, and family. These connections keep us tied on some level. In some cases the connection is hatred not love.
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I was thinking about something like this over the weekend. I think the hardest part about detaching for most of us is that the relationship didn't deteriorate over time which would have helped us to be able to just walk away and maybe even be relieved that it was over. For most of us the relationship was GOOD and we did not see this coming. If we had a bad relationship we wouldn't miss it and almost surely wouldn't stand in the face of what we are going through now, but in this case it's so hard to let go of something that was positive. It's almost akin to giving up eating a food you hate as opposed to giving up one that you love.
Hey there, just thought I would chime in here for a little advice. My H and I had a bad R. It was full of worries and anxieties, arguments and annoyance. The R was deteriorating for years and yet I feel devastated. Is this me believing his story? I am detaching very gradually but it is so hard. I see him every week and every other weekend as he's here looking after the children. How can you detach when you are faced with him and his new found happiness every week? I stopped shaking when I saw him but these past few weeks I have started shaking again, feel nervous, just can't handle seeing him. He on the other hand is relaxed and healthy and fine.
I wonder if this is just the natural end of a very dysfunctional R (actually these were his words in an email to me a couple of months after BD)???
I am going to write a timeline of our R with the ups and the downs. Just to get it clear in my head. Have a pictorial representation of the R.
I feel like I was a terrible person with a terrible personality and that is why it didn't work. On the other hand I feel like our personalities just clashed. We were just too different. But then I think that we weren't different, we were very alike and liked the same things. We were both jekkyll and hydes so maybe our shadows clashed but the positive personalities gelled? And I guess when you have stress, you have difficult times financially and everything else, the shadows take over, they dominate the personalities.
What worries and upsets me is that he has met this ow and it feels like they are made for each other, they are just so perfect. It feels like he stayed in the R with me because he didn't think he could do any better, but he took the plunge and now realises he can do better. He can have a R with someone without the constant drama. It was 2 years ago when I think women started flirting with him and he realised he had charm, charisma and attractive appeal. Something he always felt he never had but always wanted. It was his BF who was the looker, who got all the girls. H was always 'friends' with the girls, he could always talk to them. He always wanted to be more than 'friends' though but he says they never fancied him.
Not sure if I am making any sense or whether I have this right, I am learning but still very confused. Don't even know if this is relevant to this thread now! I guess I'm just trying to work out if my R was so bad anyway how come I cannot detach, I feel so devastated and confused?
Sorry if I have gone off on a tangent.
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We were both jekkyll and hydes so maybe our shadows clashed but the positive personalities gelled? And I guess when you have stress, you have difficult times financially and everything else, the shadows take over, they dominate the personalities.
I had a really good think about this satement TT made. It really does make some sense. Our shadows leak out along the way because they are part of us, we all have them. When "in love" we ignore a lot and do everything we can to hide it.
That's the reason the OW's take so long to get found out. Not just the hormones involved, but the determination of the MLcer to prove they are right. Maybe what RCR means when she says they eventually saw us as real people. They lost the in love bit for us and spent untold amounts of time provoking our own shadows to come out. Which in turn reinforced the whoel concept in their minds. If you detach from the urt for a minute, it's actually quite clever.
SD
x
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I think you've hit something important, SD, with them wanting to prove they are right. I know that plays a role in my sitch.
Maybe what RCR means when she says they eventually saw us as real people...If you detach from the urt for a minute, it's actually quite clever.
The 40 foot view really does make this fascinating, because all of these things ARE a part of our natural lives, in every relationship we have, but there's something about the crisis which makes it the ONLY thing happening - so weird. But it comes to "mature" things. I have lamented so many times the loss of innocence within my R with Hoss, and how something is lost that will never come back. But the more time goes on, the more I realize that it was a necessary growth that will forever set me on a course to not rely on other people for my care, that the movies AREN'T right when they say two people complete each other. You have to be already there. It's like putting half an egg and half the baking powder in a cake - it just goes FLAT. Only with a complete egg and the full measure of powder do you have something worth it.
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I think you have to detach so that the MLCer (and YOU!) will finally realize this is not about you, it's about the MLCer. The less available you are to project onto, the more you carry on successfully, the sooner the MLCer will have to do some serious introspection and soul-searching. You know, I think this is part of Monster--they are so eager to blame you for all their woes. How many of us catered to our MLCers, parenting them almost? They are rebelling--they want self-determination. So let them at it. I'm a huge advocate of going dark--but then I'm not standing, so take my words with a grain of salt.
I also want to question the value of love--if love is so valuable, then why let an abusive partner claim it? What if (s)he is not worthy of love? What is it about this person you value enough to love? Are you being rational, and really seeing the person as they ARE vs. what you want or need them to be, or what you thought they were?? I think RCR does a brilliant job of reminding us that there are different kinds of love. I will always love my xH, but not romantically, not sexually. My love for him has transformed, and I am ok with that because I value myself too much to allow abuse in my life. And, yes, being cheated upon and abandoned is ABUSE. I will not tolerate it, nor will I see it as an indictment of myself. My xH wants to live a life with a BPD partner--and he is free to do that now. I don't need such nonsense in my busy and fulfilling life. I do not love my xH the way a woman loves a devoted and admirable husband. I do not admire my xH any more. I refuse to compromise my values, and my values give me strength. I revel in the happiness of other couples who live principled lives--it means my values are rational.
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Noregrets I admire you so much. You are absolutely right. This abandonment is an opportunity to gain confidence, to value ourselves again and say no to abuse on any level. You are right, adultery and abandonment is abuse, and telling lies in order to justify those actions is wrong. I don't think I have ever felt so much hurt in my heart but I am beginning to think that it is necessary to become the person I should be for the rest of my life. I lived my twenties in a bit of a potty stew, my thirties have been hard work and worrisome ... I want my forties to be creative and curious. I'm done babysitting that man, being a responsible adult whilst he plays. There is a breed of men in the city that are wanting to be playboys forever, they are massaging each others egos and can see no further than the end of their noses. They are determined to live their lives however they want and to hell with the wife and kids and responsibility and being grown up. They make me sick and I know lots of them and they all seem to hang around with my H!
I will copy your post and pin it in my diary, it's inspiring thank you xx
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Well said No Regrets. That really is a post worth printing... read it often TT.
hugs Stayed