Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Standing in Patience on December 08, 2012, 08:48:36 AM
-
Another poll: How long have you been standing now?
If you aren't standing, please reply on the number of months you stood before you stopped standing
for your mlcer. You, obviously, can be separated physically, legally separated or divorced and still
standing and can add your thoughts/sentiments/comments. For instance, you can add, Anger stage,
in Replay, etc. if you believe you know.
This will add to the journaling of the progression in terms of time through the tunnel.
-
Don't know how it happened, but the poll shows two separate columns. The first column are the first three choices and the
second column has the last two choices...vote away...
-
Ive been standing for 8 months now. I beleive H is still in replay, but I think his MLC started about 18 months before bomb drop. That's when he found ow, and that's when he started going out to do things by himself; riding his ATV, driving in the woods, staying out late etc.
Not sure where he is right now. Not seeing much replay, he's home early every night, in contact A LOT even though he has moved out. He keeps telling s9 he will be back in the house in the summer. Told his boss our seperation was ok as he was sure we could work things out. Maybe in limbo, maybe standing at the edge of liminality. I see him cycling through anger and depression. Not sure......
-
Been standing for 5 months. I just figured out (thanks to Stayed) that standing isn't just about standing and waiting for him, but standing to figure myself out. Very good day because of that.
I think he has been in MLC for since maybe 2004. He did leave me then but came home too soon. He is definitely still in replay now. I think he is going to be on the long end of this journey. I guess time will tell but I will work on me.
-
Looking back, I see the 18-24 month lead in starting around 2006 for my H, with 2008/early 2009 being his first real BD (he said at that time, very randomly, "What if we weren't together forever?" and I laughed it off). But July 2011 was the "I don't feel the same way about you anymore" that got my attention, and I'm about 17 months out from that. I can't believe it's been that long! I feel all tough now. :)
-
BD1 was June 2009.
Figured out though his MLC likely started 5 years earlier as he was showing signs of dissatisfaction with his life then.
I don't know where he is timeline wise. Frankly I don't really much care. I live my life without him quite well for the most part and I'm getting used to it being all about the kids and me.
I've essentially stopped standing. I'm kind to my "husband in name only", we agree on how to handle the kids, he backs my child rearing choices , continues to pay certain expenses, and has not made any move forward to divorce me.
I have told him I will not divorce him because if this is what he wants he must complete it, I won't do the heavy lifting for something I never wanted, and that financially it would only impoverish us both.
-
coming up for 2 years this Feb. tho h had EA in late 2005 after withdrawing from me h then found a new bf 30 years old went out with her gave her an extravagant present in front of me . I felt like I was dying. but it all blew over. and it all kicked off again by early 2010 with BD in Feb 2011.( and anther EA with mega love bombing of her and all sorts of other women since then ) (followed by leaving then returning then BD2 in Sept 2011)
boy i've been through the mill.
and I'm standing I think because I sense there are things left unsaid and undone.
-
Moved out January 2010, moved back February 2010, discovered OW April 2011, moved out May 2011. Was a clinging boomerang for a while but now very little contact so I am not sure what strange he is in. I get reports and glimpses of heavy replay, denial and and a generally angry man.
-
Standing for 3 years, 4 months and 23 days. Legally separated for 1 year 1 month.
I've never been good at figuring out what stage he might be in...as far as I am concerned, he's not home...that's all I need to know
I am getting tired and would like a comfy chair to sit in instead of all this standing!
-
I have been standing for close to three and a half years, since BD.
-
Standing for 3 years, 4 months and 23 days. Legally separated for 1 year 1 month.
I am getting tired and would like a comfy chair to sit in instead of all this standing!
LMAO that's a good one!
-
I am getting tired and would like a comfy chair to sit in instead of all this standing!
You have a very comfy couch. :)
-
I am getting tired and would like a comfy chair to sit in instead of all this standing!
You have a very comfy couch. :)
Yes completely TRUSTING tested!
-
I'm 23 months post BD.
Since H is still living with OW, who moved in with him immediately after BD, he's still in replay.
Definately seeing tunnel movement from him, though. The euphoria of the earliest months is long gone and he has told me if he could go back 4 years (when the affair with OW began) he would not have done it. In the same breath, however, he tells me he won't give her up, that she gives him things he has to have, and that she would die without him.
He says things like, "What am I supposed to do, throw her under the bus?"
We spent several hours together a few days ago and he told me he hadn't realized when he made the decision to leave he'd lose his family. :o He told me he expected our D23 to "bond" with him, not with me(!) after he left, and seems genuinely shocked she has distanced herself from him and wants nothing to do with he and OW as a couple.
He emphatically tells me he will never leave OW, that it almost killed him to leave me and that he won't go through that experience of leaving someone again. He tells me because he can't leave OW, he must divorce me and "end this." He also emphatically says that "too much damage has been done, you can never forgive me and neither will your family and friends."
He recently hired an attorney, says he's going to try to get changes made to our settlement agreement signed 20 months ago, and that he will file early next month. He's sure talking a good game.
Whatever will be, will be. "No expectations," right? ;)
TMHP
-
I wonder, trusting, if he and OW will 'Give each other' what they need after he's sealed the deal. What exactly does she give him and really, how long would she be able to keep that up?
-
Standing for 23 months, 27 days...
Sometimes wondering what for. My h. has made it abundantly clear that he is never coming home - deep in replay, I suppose.
This is hard going.
I love my h. and pray for a miracle.
I have forgiven him and OW ( I have to do it on a daily basis,though).
I don't see any 'movement' in the tunnel and rely on faith in God and RCR's articles to reassure me.
I am buried in the trenches of this. It is miserable and uncomfortable, dark and despairing at times.
Wondering how much longer I can survive.
-
To whomever, thank you for fixing the columns so it's easier to everyone to VOTE!
-
Not standing but husband left 74 months ago (that is BD for me). The we should divorce thing come a bit before but I don't remember exactly when I heard it first.
-
I've been standing from the start which was first time Aug 2011 but that was a bit half hearted from him. What I consider his REAL BD1 was Nov 2011. False R in Dec 2011 until end July 2012.
I think there is a part of me that will always be standing for him. As many horrible, despicable things he's done I think there will always be a part of me that looks at him with love. It may become miniscule but I just can't imagine not loving him.
When we got married I told everyone there (via a speech said by a friend) that he was the "best person I know" and it hurts my heart to remember that. Even though I'm doing ok, that I have had a lot of fun in the last few weeks and H's monstering notwithstanding, I just long to go back to that H, that man. Yet I fear a D as I don't know if I can stand "officially" after that.
-
Not standing. BD 39 months ago. I am dating and enjoying my life as a single. I have no idea at what stage he is, no idea of an OW and don't really care. I am financially stable, have my two great kids and I am enjoying life. I divorced him after about a year to protect myself financially.
-
I've been standing for him since the 1st BD which was June 2008. I've been standing for me 2 years now and loving every minute of it. I remain single and haven't dated. I've looked at the options out there and since I've grown up I've out grown most of the men out there in my neighborhood. Single is the best option for me in my stage of the game I have all the joy and contentment I need.
-
6 yrs now this month . I believe it started back in 2004 or 2003 .but he didnt move out until jan 2006.
-
SORRY I MEANT TO SAY 2007
-
Bumping Up. Noticed that there are few new posters or "newbies". Perhaps they also want to weigh in with their
"time since BD".
-
BD was 6.5 months ago. Discovered this wonderful place and the concept of standing in September. Pretty quickly realized I'll stand to give myself and D11 time to heal.
-
I'm not currently standing. Stood for longer than I feel I should have. It's been 28 months since BD but there were other
earlier affairs that I didn't find out about until after the BD I'm counting from. I'm dating and enjoying my life! I find
that it's not so much exH I miss, it's the family unit and the fairytale (fairytales aren't suppose to end in D you know! >:( )