Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Buggy31 on August 23, 2010, 11:12:41 AM
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Okay so I read a lot of posters on here talk about the tunnel. I am not sure when they enter the tunnel. The very beginning of the MLC? BOMB DROP? or neither? is it more a location based on emotions and behaviors?
People have also stated that they see movement in the tunnel. What does this look like? I am aware they cycle but how do you know they are moving.
I believe I'm seeing movement and may be witnessing the darker period.... I'll post below.....I'd love to hear feedback on this one.
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Okay
So my H enter anger stage for sure 2008
Slipped into replay in end of 2008/beginning of 2009
BD/EA Spring 2009
ILYBINILWI/wants to leave April 2010
June 2010 moves out with a push from me because of emotionally abusive behavior and affair taunting
Currently he is living with parents. Talking about divorce. Wrapped tightly with OW. Lots of "children" showing up. He's done with the marriage and wants us to "move forward" with "what we need to do". Contact only to do with children. Very regressive behaviors. I can tell when I'm talking to one of the children. Yesterday I was clinically and directly stating in an unemotional way why "exposure to OW might not be the best for the children at this point BLAH BLAH BLAH"..........He said "WOW! THaT's a lot! What you said is a lot! You said a lot of adult stuff." At this point I feel his emotional attachment to me only when he is angry. Otherwise I am an "accessory" to the house and family. I see this as one of the darkest parts of the tunnel. Am I wrong? I know things could get worse but I feel he's moving. Is Liminality/withdrawl the darkest parts? ARe the stages even related to tunnel?
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My understanding is that they enter the tunnel in the denial stage wayyyy before we notice what is going on.
Movement can be anything different, even going into withdrawal to regroup and reflect on life whilst in replay or deepening depression. Some movement is hidden from the LBS as it is done quietly in the tunnel where no one watches.
I don't think MLCers actually know they are moving ahead as such. They just move to the next stage of thinking. Remember they don't think they have a problem. We are their problem and they have sorted that one out. Initially they don't look inwardly but blame outside influences. As they move through the tunnel they can and do acknowledge that they are depressed or sad or want time out
As they move through the stages in the tunnel they will see what they have left behind. After leaving the tunnel in acceptance and throughout their memories are awful. This protects them from the over powering guilt that they would suffer. The guilt they have is bad enough.
Buggy your H is deep in replay at the moment. It is likely to get worse before it gets better. You are right to detach from the abuse he is spewing.
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Thanks JA
This week some stuff has changed. He's not projecting so much hatred and anger my way, at least that I can see. I know him pretty well so he doesn't have to say much I can feel and feel I'm shown most of the truth anyway. This is becoming a stronger and stronger force for me as I move along myself. I believe that is why I feel very confident right now. Tonight he did some very out of character touch and goes. Literally, for the first time in a LONG time, he touched me in an affectionate way. A little peak I guess. I think OW is showing her true colors so this might be an influence here too.
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What follows is a "metaphorical" view of what I saw during my time in the tunnel.
Although there is no real revelancy in time, I was in there SIX years, and did NOT want to be there.
When I asked the Lord to get me out, He said "Sorry, but ALL go through this, but I will be with you throughout." And He was.
Speaking from the experience of my own transition, the tunnel is entered when denial of what's happening to the MLC'er/MLT'er begins...and we know about denial, and it ain't the river in Egypt. :)
I suffered many of the same things a MLC'er suffers..the only difference was I did NOT do anything I wasn't supposed to do, although I was tempted heavily during that time.
I saw images and flashes when I was going through the tunnel..and it was a weird experience.
Believe it or not, it all started on a path that winds and it led me forward into a forest where I promptly got lost, and in that being lost, I got very angry BECAUSE I WAS lost and couldn't find my way out.
The path eventually led into a mountain of fire; it was a maze of sorts, with many cheeseless tunnels within and there was fire all around, as I moved forward deeper into the mountain.
Now, the chances of turning back are during the Denial and Anger stages..but once the Mountain of Fire is gone into, there is NO turning back...but, as I remember it, I don't think I had a ghost of a chance of going back, once it all started.....it was like I was DRIVEN deeper into the forest, and eventually into the mountain.
Something was actually PUSHING me down this path, and I didn't seem to have much control over what was happening to me.
I don't know how I made it through the mountain, but I'd have flashes of being there from time to time, and the doors that closed behind me as I worked my way through. Some closed completely, some were left open a crack..but eventually, even those locked down so I could NOT go back through them.
Oh my God, it was SO hot in there...I remember thinking that it was horribly hot.
When I came out of the mountain of fire, I faced an open field, gained a measure of peace, and walked across toward an actual archway where my final fears were...my husband was standing just beyond that archway holding out his hand...but, you know, I did NOT know what was in that archway UNTIL I got there, and once I went into it, I could NOT go backwards; the only way out was THROUGH..and that was going through my head at that time.
And, to this day, I don't remember ALL of the final fears that I faced..I know that I had to accept my own death, the fact that I was getting older, everything that I'd lost in my life, and I THINK I accepted my marriage as it stood, but I'm NOT sure about that....and that's where my memories stop on that part.
Some people who get that far will run backwards, but I didn't...once the door had closed on the outside of the mountain, it actually LOCKED on me, and honestly, might as well face those final fears and get them settled, and get on with it..those were my thoughts at that time.
After the final fears were faced, I felt reborn, renewed, and much better...stepping forward to take my husband by the hand, and our paths merged in an instant...his WAS separate from mine....I don't remember what his had come from, but I knew his was separate until the moment I took his hand.
I don't know if this will help...you might just put it down to the ravings of a crazy woman, LOL!!
But it IS what I remember, and I did describe this to someone while I was going through, thinking that I'd lost my own mind in that process, but I've read things since then that have convinced me that maybe I did NOT go totally nuts while in there....this IS a spiritual journey, not just a physical one, and it would be a given that one could see images/flashes if they are accepting of seeing such things.
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THanks HB
I understand more than you know. I have some fears right now that came up as I was reading this. I'm scared that I'm also entering a MLT and being shown images and actually at moments feeling kind of foggy. Now.......I have three children and a H in MLC and I can't afford for this to escalate into a crisis. So that fear is coming up during these times. My children need me right now.... I feel confident and strong with my H and crisis recently. However, I am being shown things from childhood mostly. At times confusion is setting in too. I don't really feel tempted but I'm in a role right now that keeps me far away from temptations. SAHM. What can I do to take care of myself during this time? How can I make this as healthy as possible? My children need me too.
Buggy
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THanks HB
I understand more than you know. I have some fears right now that came up as I was reading this. I'm scared that I'm also entering a MLT and being shown images and actually at moments feeling kind of foggy. Now.......I have three children and a H in MLC and I can't afford for this to escalate into a crisis. So that fear is coming up during these times. My children need me right now.... I feel confident and strong with my H and crisis recently. However, I am being shown things from childhood mostly. At times confusion is setting in too. I don't really feel tempted but I'm in a role right now that keeps me far away from temptations. SAHM. What can I do to take care of myself during this time? How can I make this as healthy as possible? My children need me too.
Buggy
Buggy,
Remember what turns the transition into a crisis is making dreadful mistakes like running away..the only way out is THROUGH.
Facing the issues head on is the ONLY way to come through, and come out..and this will take TIME, just like all the discussions about MLC, the MLT takes time to come through, too..and you have to be kind to yourself, face everything COMPLETELY, then come through and out.
If you get it ALL in this first round, you will not have to face any of it, again. You'll need to not only look at the actual event(s) one at a time, but examine each one closely for any aspects that bear looking at and settling each one, ALL at one time
You are aware of what's happening, just as I was aware...but I functioned the best that I knew how, even though I suffered through Menopause, AND went into the emotional battle afterward.
I felt the stirrings a year or two BEFORE I went into the transition...I actually was able to "stuff" it down until things were more stable.
Your husband's crisis has triggered your transition; and there's not a whole lot you can do about it, except face it as it happens.
For the hot flashes, I took a natural herb called "Phyto-Estrogen" it came from the GNC store,(it helped with the hot flashes, taking the edge off, but not totally away) and actually did nothing for the depression...I should have, but I drove a truck at that time, just as I do now..and I was unable to take medications and drive.
I did, however, go on Multi-Vitamins; and took those for as long as the transition lasted..funny; post transition, I found I could not take vitamins anymore...they gave me severe headaches.
Get proper rest, eat right, walk, if you can...I was underweight during my transition..didn't eat enough during that time.
Honestly, I don't remember turning my anger on our son at all; I knew, instinctively, that he'd done nothing to me..but my husband was a different story, as I really didn't know him at times, and turned on him much like he'd turned on me.
I would suggest going to the doctor for Anti-depressants if you don't already take them; they will help with any depression and confusion you're experiencing within.
Generally, the confusion IS caused from hormonal changes, even if you're not experiencing hot flashes.
Go to the GNC store and tell them what's happening; they can suggest a natural supplement for you to take that might help.
Above all, pray for strength, and ask the Lord to help you through; I wanted Him with me at all times, and He was there for me.
Any temptations will come later in the transition..they don't come at the beginning....you'll have the feeling of wanting something different, a change, if you will...this will pass when you confront it head on. I was afraid of this, and hid in my sleeper most of the time, sometimes not coming out for days except to drive and do my job..but I know you can't do that with your children depending upon you.
Don't be afraid; you'll be fine, and come through this in one piece; it may take you awhile, because you've got other things on your plate as well...but time is what you have, and what you can use to finish what your husband's crisis started.
It's hard, I know...I've been there, too, and though it took time, I came through, and you will too.
At times, you will want to rant, and you may need to do it here or to someone you can trust with what you would be laying upon them...this will help you to get whatever anger is there out, and help you see things more clearly, as the anger begins to burn out.
During the day, I stayed busy, but at night was when the "movies" started, I saw events from my childhood that were as real as the day I experienced them...I couldn't sleep, and I would "flash" soaking sweat from my head to my feet.
For the first time in years, I was afraid of the dark, I started being afraid of people..this was ME going through...your experience may be quite different.
I HATED my life, myself, and the hate within me was so strong that I could barely keep it in check..and in my depression, I cried going to bed, cried getting up, cried sometimes when I was driving.
I mostly faced things during the night when I couldn't sleep..my mind ran 100 miles an hour, and I prayed to die, I prayed to come through, I prayed because I felt guilt because of my emotional state, and I prayed because no matter what anyone or even the Lord told me, I felt I had FAILED.
I was in bad shape for around a month or so, my depression got so bad, I refused to take a bath..and my husband jumped all over me over the phone, telling me I would get sick, I wasn't taking proper care of myself. And I remember jumping right back at him, telling him to mind his own business..and that just escalated the argument..most of the time, I hung up on him..and he'd call right back....ticking me off worse.
One night, I had thoughts of suicide, thinking things might be better if I just ended it all...but I didn't have anything in my truck to help me with that, LOL..and the Lord literally put me to sleep that night..I didn't remember anything until I got up the next morning, and He told me to get up, go to work, things would be fine..and NOT think thoughts like that again. I'd bottomed out totally and completely.
Everything in my life suffered for a time; I was alone and was dealing with it all, alone..except for the Lord being there with me.
I'd been physically, sexually and emotionally abused in my childhood, plus, emotionally abused during my marriage...I had alot on my plate to deal with..and events from the past marched right on, one right after the other..each one had to be looked at, dealt with, accepted, anyone else involved had to be forgiven, I had to forgive myself if it was MY mistake, and I had to go through healing from each one.
The extent of the transition depends upon the wounds that were suffered during childhood, and some can come from what's happened during adulthood...it's like each one has to be put in its proper place, come to terms with, and put behind you for good.
As each person is different, each transition is different..and the dealing is different for each person.
May God see you through yours, just as He saw me through mine.
I will pray for your strength to increase; as God knows your heart and your need, He will help you, just as He helped me.
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Thanks HB
I appreciate your words and info. I believe my awareness will help me here. I can feel things happening to me, especially the fog and confusion. Not so much depression or hot flashes. Maybe even a little replay but in a healthy sense like doing my hair and playing with makeup and clothes as I did in adolescence. I am also coming to terms with being emotionally abused as a child and in my relationship with my H. I am determined to heal so I don't repeat this pattern in my relationship, most particularly my children. I am becoming more aware of my shadow side. Whew! That's a hard thing to look in the face.
I've always held things together even as a child. If I am craving "something different" it is the sense of letting go and surrendering to the chaos. Just how to do that in my life right now is tricky....I'm working at it. Freeing myself.....a little at a time.
Thanks Again
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I've always held things together even as a child. If I am craving "something different" it is the sense of letting go and surrendering to the chaos. Just how to do that in my life right now is tricky....I'm working at it. Freeing myself.....a little at a time.
I know how that is; I'm the oldest of 4 children, and I took a lot of responsibility that a child should NEVER have to take, but I did.
As long as you maintain your awareness of what's happening..let's hope yours will be much milder than mine was.
Son was older, and I was out on the road while I was going through....and so, I lost control of my emotional state more often than not, then would suffer guilt...but I had the feeling I was riding a rollercoaster most of the time.
I was a controller, fixer, and a co-dependent person...over responsible, took on more than I should have in my life, and I had to learn that I couldn't save the world.
Now, I let things go, and although I worry sometimes, now...the worry is not what it used to be.
Within the transition, you learn yourself more thoroughly than you knew yourself before, and make changes at a deeper level, than you do during his crisis.
I get the feeling you'll be fine, Buggy...just don't let the fear eat at you..this is a normal, natural process that you're going through, and I feel you'll come through just fine.
Don't be afraid to ask questions, rant, or whatever you need to do from time to time..the only question I cannot answer is "how long will this take?".
Time is unique to each person going through, and it depends upon the issues, and how serious they are/were within each person.
Take care of yourself.
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Hello Friends,
I have read all the information and helpful links but am confused?
Is Replay considered him/her being in the tunnel?
Are they IN the TUNNEL while in Replay, Withdrawal, Liminality, etc?
When is it considered? Exiting the tunnel?
Thank you
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It is all the tunnel as far as I am concerned. There is no sign from the beginning. To look for exits or transitions right now is dicey at best. Depression is seen throughout the entire event. As long as they are running, messing with ow, still acting as if the world is their oyster, they are in replay.
However, they can start to enter one stage and bounce back. They can go back and forth like a yo yo. Until they have gone through everything, then you know they will be coming out. The timeline is not accurate but just a idea. For some it take longer and other it is shorter.
Right now, You need to focus on getting a life, detaching, and paving the way for a better you. ((((Hugs))))
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:) Thank you for that answer. It helps.
Yes, I am focussing on me... again :) I know thats all I can do and its whats most important.
I was just a little confused is all, so thank you for answering :)
Have a good night
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The article titled Progress: Backward, Limbo, Forward is excellent in reference to MLC behavior. They are in the tunnel in Replay. They cycle most rapidly at the beginning of the tunnel because light from the entrance is still visible.....then again at the end of the tunnel because of the light at the end is now visible.....which now reveals the damage to them.
I recommend you read the article several times as something different will stick out each time. It is a great article.....at least I've found it to be.
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WOW, very cool.... Now I understand better why it's called the tunnel...
Makes so much sense how when seeing the light still at the beginning they can cylce out and back in, thats obviosuly what my XH has done again.
Thank you! :)
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LYE
The whole of their journey from denial right through to the end of acceptance is in the tunnel.
The worse place in the tunnel as Ready pointed out is the middle of replay. During replay they are running hard from the issues they need to address but use all sorts of ways to get their buzz of happiness i.e affairs, drugs and alcohol etc. At this time it is all about them and they are selfish, manipulative and they lie and spend.
The tunnel is not a straight walk but has lots of twists and turns hence the rollercoaster lol :-\ All this equals lots of time. It is during this time lets us look at ourselves and our marriage and put right what we don't like.
DGU is right the move you read the information the more it starts to make sense. I have had many eureka moments whilst reading ;D
xx
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I agree that the tunnel is the whole journey. From denial to acceptance. In my sitch I was clearly able to see when he slipped into ANGER stage and the downward spiral from there. Like DGU says REPLAY is the deepest, darkest part of the tunnel and it gets worse before they can see the light. From what I understand seeing the light is also difficult because at that point the damage is revealed as well. Until then they are clueless
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LYE
I merged your question in with a previous short thread from last summer.
Maybe there is more information here that will help with the question.
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where is this article Progress, Forward Limbo backward?
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This is the link to the Progress: forward limbo back
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/progress.html
HUGS
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If I may, I'd like to ask for even further clarification of the replay stage. My husband "hinted" of divorce and the desire to have an affair in July 09, but didn't give the ILYBNILWY /divorce speech and separation until April 10. I suspect an emotional affair perhaps after the July 09 discussion. Do I interpret the start of replay in July 09 or on actual BD in April 10?
Thanks much,
H2H
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HB thanks for posting your journey through the tunnel. Mine has some similarities to your while mine is not as intense. It has had its moments though. I have suffered hot flashes since 35 now I'm almost 45 and night sweats started a couple days after 44. I went into my transistion I would say full swing those couple days after 44. My periods were erratic having 3 in 8 weeks is a good indication something is going on. A few years ago I had one lasting 19 days, ob/gyn said it sounded like I was perimenopausal. Yippee!! I am now embracing this transition because I have been healing and growing.
Last year in April is when I started facing those childhood wounds. Very powerful experience. I have this butte I hike in the middle of town at night. It overlooks town and is very peaceful. I went up there because I was experiencing so much anger becuase MLCer vanished for the second time and I knew I neede to release this anger.
Anyway I went up there and prayed to let my anger go little did I know it was going to be the anger that I have held toward my mom for almost 24 years. Holy cow what an awaking. The next day I just sobbed when I realized it was my mom I was forgiving. I thought to myself I need to have lunch with my mom. A couple of hours later my mom texted me and asked me to go to lunch. I knew she would never understand if I tried explaining to her that I let go of my anger and that I would just have to sjow her through action. It was the most peaceful moment that I have had with my mom that I can remember.
My mom was a single, alcoholic mother at 16 and eventually had 4 children. I'm second oldest and most of the responsibility fell on me as my brother would except the responibility. My mom was married 4 times so I went through 3 of those divorces, lucky me. At 13 I was old enough to take care of the family so my mom could go party. She had so many boyfriends and as soon as I would establish a relationship with her boyfriends poof they were gone. Huge abandonment issues starting which have carried over into adulthood.
I let this anger go last year. Then other things started popping up as to why I feel and act the way I do. I was talking to my mom and I told her I was angry at my dad for being absent for 20 years. He apologized to me last year but never tried to change that. She wanted me to direct my anger toward her and I told her no I should be angry at him. She told me get over it. That was like finger nails on the chalkboard. I wanted her to quit protecting me from my own feelings. I do this also, I protect people from their own feelings, not good. I am working hard to change that habit. Feelings are good even if they do not feel so good at the time. I finally have learned to feel my feelings.
I protected my daughter from herself and that lead her down a not so good path but she has turned into an amazing young woman. I now remind people its ok to have your feelings and to make sure to feel those feelings because that is the only way to move through them. I have to remind myself to label my feelings so I can release the negative ones I am having.
I have done some child work and that has been powerful yet scary at the same time. It brought out a lot but very healing.
Back to my dad, once I let go of the anger I was able to communicate my needs to him. I was getting angry watching him post to the rest of the family members on FB but never on mine. That sent me over the edge especially when he just told me that he was sorry that he didn't take an active part in my life. That was his choice but my mom was trying to take responsibility for it and I wouldn't let her. It was like enough mom its ok for me to be angry and its ok that I direct it at the person who is making me angry. When my dad randomly posted to my FB that he loved me I jumped on it and told him that's all I need from her just a little acknowledgement. It wasn't hard to make me feel a part of his life, it was that simple.
Next the issue of my son getting married and leaving for boot camp. I would say this experience is teaching me how to grow up emotionally. I am very close to my children and this was hard for me to accept but accepting is what I knew I had to do because I couldn't stop it. I mourned the loss of the relationship that we had for almost a year. He knew it was hard on me to take the step back and let him start his own family. I was his mom first but now I am mom second he now has a wife. Then his leaving for boot camp. The day he left was the day I knew that he was physcially leaving for good. That meant no more hikes, motorcycle rides, dinner, and all the other things that we did. His life was changing and growing and what a blessing this has been too even though it was emotionally hard on me. I cried every day for almost a year.
Here I am now almost a year later and am ready to accept my life now longer as a fulltime mom but just being ME. I have some many good times ahead of me to share with my children and ones of those things is stepping back and watching them grow into the people they were meant to be. I am no longer afraid of the life that lies ahead of me as I know it will be the best life ever. I have been shown how wonderful life can be and for me it took this adversty to really understand how much life is about living and living it to the fullest.
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This is all very interesting....my BD was 14 September 2010, is that the entrance to Replay or was it earlier last year?
Love and hugs
Fox xxx
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Fox,
I know that you are trying to figure out where your H is in the tunnel.
I have driven myself crazy trying to figure it out. Honestly, it is a waste of good time to do so. I couldn't stop myself from doing it and obsessing about it. I am just now, finally, accepting the process that is MLC. Accepting the process involves "letting it be" and letting go of the timline.
I believe that it will not be until the crisis is over or near the end - that one can look back and see the progress through the tunnel.
The stages state that Replay begins either before or at BD. This is not an exact science. No two crisis are the same. On another posting board, a MLCer (who had exited the tunnel) stated that the LBS should not pay too much attention to the timeline that Replay ends 1-2 years after BD. This MLCer gave the "I don't love you" speech 8-10 months before reaching Acceptance.
Other MLCers spend 1,2, or 3 years (or longer) in Replay. Some never get out of the tunnel (Although, it's been said that this happens rarely).
Who knows?
The statistics may show that an MLCer enters Replay at BD, spend 1.5 years in Replay, Reaches Depression and Withdrawal and Acceptance in the next 1-2 years. If your MLCer doesn't follow this timeline - then WHAT does that mean? It means that he is on his own timeline. One that you cannot control.
I think the written stages are a guideline to give the LBS an IDEA of what may happen and when. The MLCer doesn't punch a timeclock and, thus, exits the tunnel when he exits the tunnel.
The stages just give up an idea of what the MLCer may face. They also tell us that "MLC Takes Time." Unfortunately, it take a whole lot of TIME.
That's why we need to GAL, live "as if", have some fun, accomplish some goals - do some things that we wouldn't have had the opportunity to do - if we were still with our spouses. OP says that we have been given the "gift of time." When I read this, I didn't think that it was much of a gift. It was a gift I didn't want. I am starting to feel differently.
I'm going to make use of this time. I'm going to grow. Do a little traveling. Put away some money. De-clutter my life. Do things that I wouldn't have done - otherwise.
Take the time to read about the stages. Find comfort that many go through them and exit the tunnel. And, then go on with living.
Hugs,
L
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Excellent post Laursecan!
A very nice summary of key MLC facts...let go, no two crises are the same, "general" timeframes, MLC TAKES TIME, and this CAN be a gift of time, if we let it be so. Although a heartbreaking time in our lives, we must GAL, make those goals to do new and different things. My world has certainly been expanding this past year...becoming a stronger self, making new friendships, and most of all deepening my relationship with God. ;D OP is right. This time of struggle can also be a gift if we choose to see it as a gift. It's all about having a good attitude and self-discipline...and good friends! ;)
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Dear Laura,
Thank you for taking the time to write that excellent scenario for me...I am far too simplistic about everything, as you say my H didn't punch a time-clock! If I'm truthful, I see 'hope' in the tiniest details and cling onto it, as though I were falling off a cliff and someone threw me a cheese straw to hold on to :(
One of these days my bomb will drop that H IS GONE - and for the foreseeable, he aint coming back! Not sure I'd want him now anyway after everything he's done to me and my Son.... Doing things for me is life changing isn't it? Not something I'm used to doing, my life was my H...and I felt as though the rug had been pulled from under me and I'm still rolling around on the floor looking for some kind word, or some word of inspiration that will help me onto my feet.....
I made Letting Go's life a misery yesterday, with asking her to analyze every thing my H said to me verbally and in a letters/texts/emails since BD in September 2010 ..Did her opinions and advise help? Yes hugely, if it's done nothing else it's made me see that this situation, my life, H's life, are in God's hands now....He and He alone will decide what is to happen next in this drama and I can't FIX anything, no matter how I go over and over and over things.... I'm going to try my best to stop writhing around on the floor, and to coin a song "Pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again."
Just thought I would let everyone know there is a song by Michael Bolton called "letting go" - YouTube it if you can....it is inspirational, very sad, but inspirational nevertheless. :)
God Bless you all on this rainy Sunday in England, but I know if I carry on the Sun will come out for me....
Love to you all
Foxberry xxx
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Foxberry where in england are you as its sunny with me??
thought you may find this a MLC er in the tunnel
The Bongle
The Bongle had a foot for a nose
And stood on his fingers
Instead of his toes
He had hands but not feet
Thin legs like a spider
A waist slim and narrow
Although his shoulders were wider
His head tall and oblong
Grew out from between
With one eye of orange
And another of green
A large rubbery tongue
Hung down to his chin
His mouth was quite large
And spread in a grin
His bottom was rounded
And swelled from behind
I stood there dumbfounded
He looked out of his mind
The Bongle was bonkers
Or so I was told
He had the mind
Of a mischievous
Five year old
He liked to break wind
Because that’s how he spoke
And the clouds
From his bottom
Wafted like smoke
The gas would change colour
Depending on mood
But the Bongle’s intention
Was not to be rude
He had very few friends
Because of his nature
A talkative fellow
Although a rather
Odd creature!
The Bongle
poem winning boker prize for uner 16 teens
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Laursecan
That was indeed an excellent post.
I agree about not focusing much on the stages. What my experience so far is showing me is that the stages will be seen more clearly in hindsight (which I guess is fairly obvious). In my situation, for example, I have seen no anger from my ex-wife in close to a year now (which is refreshing). The "good" thing about her anger was that it helped me to detach.....go be angry at someone else babe, because what you are spewing to me is irrational and I don't believe it (ie...the use of the words always and never).
You can find some information on the web about MLC being "temporary" or a "phase". Just make sure what you are reading is valid information that you find trustworthy.
RCR mentions MLC being temporary in the Introduction article about Personality Disorders. The difference between a Personality Disorder and MLC is the MLC is temporary. And, again, "temporary" in MLC time frames can be 2-10 years, which in itself it enough variance to not pay too close of attention to stages.
I recommend for anyone to read and re-read the aritcles. You will find information in cyberspace about how MLC is just some bored, middleage dude that's unhappy with his life.....and I'm not saying that can't happen....because I'm definitely no expert. What is so good about the articles on this website is that they go deep and detailed into what MLC is.....which is a true emotional crisis.
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PMd you Bewildered!
Poem fantastic! How good is that, could be describing my H :-*
Fox xxx
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Bewildered - loved the Bongle poem!
Fox - I assure you that you didn't make Letting Go's life "miserable" yesterday.
I am sure that she was happy to comment and give you that feedback.
Honestly, it really helps to share feedback with others.
As I have said on another thread yesterday (maybe it was mine????) - I can SEE things so clearly in others' sitch - I just can't see clearly in my own. I think that that is true for most of us.
That's one of the reasons why having each other on this board is so important.
We are going to cycle, just like our MLCer. Sometimes we will be pillars of strength, other times we will be down - ready to give up.
Share those feelings when they come. Others' here - will help you through it. Just like you will be helping others - in the future.
You will be okay, Fox. That I am sure of.
Sometimes, that's all I needed when I came here. Someone to tell me that I was okay. I wasn't crazy. I wasn't alone. Yep. That's it.
Hugs,
L
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IF ALL ISSUES are NOT faced while within the tunnel; down the road will come another bout of crisis; and it will be worse than the first.
You MUST allow the MLC'er time and space to face their issues; and work these through...and even then there are NO guarantees that they will face everything...this is an individual journey; up to the person going through, and no one else.
I've had the experience of a spouse who didn't face all of his issues in the initial tunnel; and he went through a second bout of crisis; I did NOT push him, nor did I pressure him....I gave him his necessary space; and he did exit the tunnel; but he tried to set aside one very painful issue; the issue of his parent's divorce at age 7, and it didn't work...within two years of his exit, that issue came back and dragged him under; throwing him into a different kind of tunnel; but one similar to the first crisis.
There was a 'let down' at the time of the exit; that triggered a purge of my own feelings, but I didn't know what that was; but I do now; the exit wasn't "right"; and I never foresaw what happened next..
And even if I had; there would NOT have been anything I could have done about it; as you cannot force people to face their issues; they must do this on their own.
This secondary bout lasted a little over 6 years; and there wasn't much, if anything, that I could do about it.
Since he had already made all of the major decisions in his first crisis; the rules of engagement changed for this secondary bout; and I found myself standing toe to toe with and fighting hard, a 7 year old child; who was rebellious; and intent on getting his way; the man was in hiding; behind the child; he didn't know what to do; and the child was a nasty human being that I wanted to take a switch to, many times. :)
He did come out of this; after breaking his ankle, that got his attention in a way; I could NOT have...yet, it still took nearly a year after that event.
The person he should have become all those years ago, is in place NOW; and I'm grateful. :)
The point being, NOTHING gets past the crisis; EVERYTHING must be faced....this realization has shot home to me more than once.
Life is never lived straightforward; and there aren't any people that I know of that don't have some kind of problem to live and deal with.
And, regardless of who you are married to; or even if you live alone, there are always problems; as no life is ever perfect...there are better aspects within; but there are never any guarantees of smooth sailing.
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We hear so much about the tunnel and talk about it but I have never seen anywhere that it is actually defined clearly. What would you say the tunnel is from your perspective?
The most tunnel-like thing I have observed about my husband is the narrowness of his thinking and decision making process. He's fixated on very few things and things are good or bad based on those things alone and all other factors are getting ignored, at least in terms of what he acknowledges to me. He seems to lack the ability to imagine and dream about possibilities beyond his narrow focus. He comes across as at least trying to seem very sure of himself, but the only reason he is certain is because he is ignoring so much else that does not fit with his current vision. Add to that the lack of ability to feel emotions and you have someone who is seeing the world through a very limiting filter. I feel he is actually afraid to see anything outside his tunnel vision. There's also a total lack of talking about the future and I think that is fear too, except for discussing future home improvement plans etc. which we have lots of good and fruitful discussions about and that's one area where we can still really engage in a totally positive and beneficial manner.
It's like he's a donkey pulling a cart with blinders on, moving along in traffic and not seeing the cars around him that could hit him at any time. If the owner took off the blinders, he would be too paralyzed in fear to move.
What's your perspectives on your spouses' tunnels?
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Hi Changing,
I have heard The Tunnel' used in a couple of ways. Some use it as still in the crisis, some use it as still in Replay.
I use it as still in Replay because the MLCer can come into the light and move on through the MLC stages or stay in the 'darkness' if they have not addressed their issues yet whatever they may be.
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Hi Changing,
Yep pretty much as Elegance said, I see the tunnel as 'replay' the phase thatcthey must pass through and which they eventually come out of. It's the fog. They are essentially lost in something they have to go through/come out of.
It's not necessarily linear though, they can towards the end as I understand it come out and then run back in (when they start facing the reality of what they have done) RCR has some really good articles on it.
Reading some of the stories from MLCrs and their LBSs that reconciled it's clear that the MLCr really was lost and thought some crazy stuff while in the tunnel it's almost as if they say they were indeed 'taken over' 'body snatched' etc this is why I just can't believe that it's just so ignored by mental health professionals and not more wildly known about.
Joe Beam has a podcast it's on the thread about limerance on here. He talks about it as the 5 stages of grief essentially MLC is just that / it's grief / loss of something tangible or intangible so if we can see it like that we get a better understanding....
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I've read all the articles but I'm more curious as to why it is compared to a tunnel. What makes it like a tunnel in your opinion? There's also the fog metaphor, which has its own implications but for months now the tunnel metaphor really is the one that fits my husband best.
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I guess because it's something you 'go through' and a tunnel is normally a way from one place to another? The phrase 'light at the end of the tunnel' can be likened to their awakening etc I.e they come out of it and see the light (face the demons). Coming out of the tunnel isn't the end of MLC it's the coming out of the avoid/escape ready to see what they need to deal with which will likely be the original unhappiness/issues they tried to run from/avoid and all the new crazy mess they have created....
I get the darkness thing - it's pretty dark in the MLC land...
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Hi Changing4Ever, :)
To me, the tunnel is a metaphorical for a journey, much like a rite of passage from immaturity to maturity.
HeartsBlessings, and I am only giving my interpretation here, :) uses the term mainly for Replay as she says after the first awakening (realising what they have done and not being able to then "unsee" the damage feel guilt and continue to "run" in the tunnel. They are still in the tunnel until the second awakening when they start to feel remorse ie not "just look at the damage" but also "what can I do to make amends for that damage?" They then move forward to the 2 healing stages towards Acceptance and Reintegration.
So while the timing of the entrance of the tunnel ( a life-altering event - loss of job, death of a parent or sibling or close friend) is determined in hindsight , being within the tunnel can commonly be established ie bombdrop. The exiting is more up to the individual and the issues that are being faced and settled. (Closing the doors ) and all this is not a single event but more of an ebb and flow thing ...like tides over a period of time.
These are only the signposts. To me, the tunnel is a construct of a person who is having an identity crisis in search of themselves. They have to burrow, delve, dig deeper than they have ever dug before INSIDE themselves and that is painful so they run but all the while the funhouse mirrors and the turnings and twists are moving them forward , some are forever lost, some may use the "chicken exit" and thereby miss the lessons of the journey, while others "go with the flow" too weak to "face their demons of the past" and exit without fully learning the lessons. There are so many outcomes to the exiting of the tunnel, the ideal is of course to learn to stand up and conquer these demons by acknowledging them and letting them go. The aim is to live an authentic life, which is truly freeing :)
My take. ;)
Peace and strength
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I have merged this thread in with previous discussions of the same topic, that included much wisdom.
I think RCR also describes it as looking like a slinky that goes round and round but only moves forward by the width of metal on the slinky.
I always liked this description because it gives you a better idea how long this may take if you understand that it is not a straight line.
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I absolutely agree with the "slinky" metaphor; and it is a HUGE circle -- only to move "forward" just that half millimetre...
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I agree with everything Sparklestar said. :)
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I was curious about this description too. I often assumed it was to describe the level of consciousness/awareness MLCer had at each point of the "journey"/breakdown/illness.
I saw the metaphor to be: At the beginning and end there is more "light"/clarity, but in the middle it is very dark/no clarity/MLCer's actions are very unconscious and they are unaware of time, chronology, others around them, etc.
I myself acted like someone in a crisis when I had a bad reaction to birth control in my twenties. I felt very disconnected from others, even those I knew I loved and liked. I remember feeling ashamed knowing I was making bad decisions but didn't know how to get out of the bad decisions I had made. While mine involved abruptly switching graduate programs (which involved an international move and a lot of wasted tuition money), I remember telling a friend something along the lines of, "I have found my niche!" just like my MLC-H suddenly found his "niche" with OW. It was a kind of fanfasy/wishful thinking that turned out not to be true, because it didn't solve my internal discomfort and I soon felt just as disconnected to this new field of study as I had to the last. It was like I couldn't "commit" to anything.
It really was a sense of "dis-ease" that RCR describes. It wasn't mental only, it was a constant physical tension. I guess if I look back I don't know if I would describe it as a tunnel -- maybe a different vibrational frequency in some ways. It went away as soon as I stopped taking the pills, although I guess there were some identity issues as well. It truly very unconscious, like a fog. I moved several times, and two of those times I remember having moments of not understanding why I had chosen the living situations I found myself in.
I don't know if that will help, but it may explain how a person can act out of character because of a biophysiological reason plus identity issues, feeling aware of their poor decision-making but unable to extricate themselves.
It is true that there is likely nothing anyone could have said or done for me at the time to help me out of it, but the kindness and acceptance of my family helped me. Judgments and criticisms really did just push me farther in as I was "hiding" in many ways.
When I stopped taking the pills I went to visit my parents in the country I grew up in. I felt this trip reconciled a lot of the identity issues and gave me more of a foundation. But again -- I only made this good decision for myself once I was not under the influence of synthetic hormone (ie likely depressed).
Modification: I am now really thinking of this period and remembering (still feeling ashamed) that I monstered and blamed my parents many times almost in exact same way my MLC-H monsters/blamed me. It did not help when they argued back or got angry with me because I felt truly wretched and misunderstood. I still feel gratitude that when I finally went to visit my parents they treated me with so much love and acceptance. It really was like they gave me/I found the "home" that was missing in my heart.
Another thing, just like a MLCer, I avoided many people from my past. I felt ashamed, a failure, like an outlier, for things I now realize all people in their twenties go through. It's actually helpful for me to remember this as I can use this when interacting with my MLC-H.
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I prefer comparing it to being in a fog because in a tunnel you would be surrounded by darkness but it isn't really like that. It's more like everything is hazy and blurry and indistinct. When you first go into the fog, the fog isn't real thick but the longer you're in it the deeper the fog becomes. Even then, occasionally the fog will lift a little and a little clarity will make it through but then the fog settles in again. Eventually the fog starts to lift and things start to become more and more clear.
The tunnel analogy sort of works for describing the beginning and the end but otherwise I don't get it. Dd you ever drive through a thick fog? It's much more like that. Just my opinion.