Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Rollercoasterider on January 23, 2013, 01:22:54 PM
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Hey everyone!
Today Huffington Post will be hosting a live panel discussion to answer the question Can An Affair Make A Marriage Stronger? They put this question out via an article a couple weeks ago and I posted a comment. Here’s the original article. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Rollercoasterider/marriage-after-affair-can_n_2426990_224420106.html) Yesterday they contacted me to participate on the panel through webcam.
The discussion starts at 6:35pm Pacific Standard Time tonight (Thursday 23 January, 2013).
I am posting this at the forum, the blog and sending a notice through the blog newsletter as well. The newsletter sends in batches of 250, and so I am hoping this reaches you in time. If it does not, I am so sorry! But they record the sessions and you can still watch it.
To view the segment in the recorded archives go to: http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/recovering-from-infidelity/50f071c002a7600b800000dc (http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/recovering-from-infidelity/50f071c002a7600b800000dc)
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RCR, Oh how exciting! Congrats to you! I AM very very happy to have found you and your forum here. Good Luck! and THANK YOU SO MUCH! I will be watching. MB ;)
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Congrats RR, I sincerely hope this gets the word out there that a marriage doesn't HAVE to end. This current madness we're living in in society in regard to marriage and divorce is just so very , very destructive.
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That's great! I will be watching as well!
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Awesome!
I don't think I'm nervous...YET! But I've up to now been visually anonymous--other than my facebook photo and a few pictures on the My Story section of the site. And that facebook photo, well it was a year after Bomb Drop during my skinny period. I am going to show my real face!
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Super cool, RCR! :) You should get used to being more public! You're a leader in advocacy for LBS recovery, and no doubt this is just the beginning of your path to helping even more people. Congratulations on the opportunity!
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That's great, RCR. Break a leg. ;) :)
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RCR...that was awesome. I only caught the tail end but it looks like there is a link
to watch it from the beginning if need be.
I am so grateful to you and everyone here for the support, advice and friendship we all share! Glad I found you....
CFH
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Just watched it you were great!
I think you can just click on the above link and it repeats itself, I have watched it twice now.
Wish they could fix out twitter address to @HerosSpouse :) :) :)
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That was great RCR - you did really well.
A great spokesperson for the 'cause'. Lets hope this starts to shift the pendulum back in the other direction.
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Just watched it you were great!
I think you can just click on the above link and it repeats itself, I have watched it twice now.
Wish they could fix out twitter address to @HerosSpouse :) :) :)
Thanks...everyone!
I have not listened--I will do that tomorrow or later. My mom is visiting this week.
But I did just go and read the comments--snarky and superficial. But when I saw my face and name below it, the twitter address was correct. I actually contacted HuffPo earlier to find out how to fix the twitter follow address. Our twitter address seems to be correct for commenting, but the follow button goes to the old name. I have not heard back about how to correct it in the profile yet.
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You were awesom, RCR!! I just wish my XW had watched (maybe she did...). You made a great counterpoint to the "kick them to the curb" mindset and came across as very assured, confident and strong!! And, btw, from a man's perspective: RCR now >>> RCR then. :)
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Just watched it you were great!
I think you can just click on the above link and it repeats itself, I have watched it twice now.
Wish they could fix out twitter address to @HerosSpouse :) :) :)
Thanks...everyone!
I have not listened--I will do that tomorrow or later. My mom is visiting this week.
But I did just go and read the comments--snarky and superficial. But when I saw my face and name below it, the twitter address was correct. I actually contacted HuffPo earlier to find out how to fix the twitter follow address. Our twitter address seems to be correct for commenting, but the follow button goes to the old name. I have not heard back about how to correct it in the profile yet.
I left a message that corrects the spelling.
So for the moment it is at the top of the page. :) :) :)
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Great job RCR. Good to see you bringing light to the shadows. All three of you (the panelists) were pretty intriguing. I hope my W drifts across this. Wouldn't surprise me if she finds this site eventually and, if its not too distant into the future, she'll monster at me for refusing to sign up.
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I just listened to it and sent an email about the twitter handle. I hope it's something that can be corrected.
So things to learn...stop looking down when the view is on me--plus I seemed to move my head a lot. I kept looking at Amber and Tammy as I was speaking because they were sometimes nodding.
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This world needs more RCR and less Kardashians PLEASE! ;)
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RCR,
Awesome job on the discussion. I hope this is the first of many media on-line interviews so this topic can gain some traction. I believe the more that is known about MLC and infidelity, the more people will be able to make informed decisions based on information, not perception. Thanks again for all of you efforts. Continued success!
Bailmor
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Well done RCR - that was GREAT 8)
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Sorry, this is a tad late for some--like East and maybe Central Time Zone.
The season premier of Unfaithful, a series on OWN about infidelity premiers tonight. The show interviews couples who have experienced infidelity. Most recovered, but there are a few that divorced.
It is on OWN at 9:00pm on Saturdays--8:00 pm central time zone.
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Too late for me, in more ways than one. But thanks RCR. I might check it out on OnDemand or something as it may be helpful for me at work.
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I PVRed it for Wed at 1am.
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I don't want to break any rules...and I was told something different last Summer than I was told last week when I got a call about next week's episode. So I will just paste a quote from the website and a link to the schedule where I got the quote.
Airing Saturday
(Feb 9)
10:00PM
Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal (Season 2B)
Anton & Larie/ Chuck & Kenda-Ruth
After his marriage to Larie becomes too much to handle, Anton dives into an affair with a married mutual friend. Chuck leaves his heavy-set wife for a gorgeous mistress, but his new double-life makes him realize he may have made a mistake.
Heavy-set!! :o That is how TV stretches the story for ratings. And gorgeous mistress ??? ...um with smoker's skin and a nose the size of Texas. Skinny, sure--like flat boobs skinny. ;D
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Heavy-set!! :o That is how TV stretches the story for ratings. And gorgeous mistress ??? ...um with smoker's skin and a nose the size of Texas. Skinny, sure--like flat boobs skinny. ;D
You are heavy set?
Did you lose 1000 lbs since this happened?
LMAO!
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You are heavy set?
Did you lose 1000 lbs since this happened?
LMAO!
Good answer. I bet you also know the answer to do I look fat in this? ;)
I saw my face on a TV ad last night. Oh how weird that is.
And it doesn't look like me. Most of each episode is green screen interviews. Well, with frizzy hair, that doesn't work. Every stray hair will catch the green behind it. So they have to slick it. I spent 2-3 hours in the make-up chair before going before the camera and another hour in front of the camera as they readjusted before they could shoot. It took 5 washes with shampoo--I counted--to remove the hairspray.
Chuck--hey they are naming him and so he just asked for me to call him by his name here--he said he spent maybe 5 minutes in the make up chair.
The interviews were separate, so we did not get to see what the other was saying and he is so worried now. He is pretty body conscious and me being overweight was an issue for him--but he also has a skewed body image, so I needed to lose some weight--and I do again--but not to the point that I would ever have been described as heavy-set. But these shows need some sort of in to make the story and one of those for us was that I used to be a petite model, then gained weight and he found someone who was skinny. It made good story. Personally I think the fatal attraction alienator, multiple in-outs and reconciliation and future adoption make the greater story.
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RCR
Let us European's know ASAP the video link for youtube's ' OWN' network OK for the programme and and I hope your happy with the final showing and your hair meets with your approval!!
B x
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Thanks for the heads-up, RCR! I am definitely going to set my DVR!
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Okay, our clip is out and so I have changed the title of this thread.
Here is the 30 second preview: http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/Preview-Mistress-at-the-Front-Door-Video (http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/Preview-Mistress-at-the-Front-Door-Video)
I don't look like me, but I think the actress portraying me is a clone--how'd they find her? The way her face squishes up when she frowns is like me--something I've always hated because of the dimpling it does to my chin.
And wow that clip is salacious, I can see why Chuck has been so nervous--talking about it being magical and that it was all that he expected. But that is something I think is important for you to know. That clip--and the entire show condense 3.5 years. So I haven't seen the entire episode and they may have cut and pieced things so they seem to be in a different order, I don't know. But I am guessing his comment about it being magical and everything he had expected are about the beginning. When an MLCer finally gets their fantasy it is a huge high and they are thrilled--they will certainly seem happy to us and them because they have not yet crashed.
The clip is called Mistress at the Front Door--boy I hate that term mistress. That episode happened almost 2 years after Bomb Drop when he came home for #6 and the piece where I said this was the worst betrayal was probably referring to the next year when I discovered the affair was ongoing and kicked him out again.
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I was finally able to watch this clip.
When was this filmed?
I thought the actress was you......
Your hair was quite different from the appearance on Huff Post.
Well I have found someone to DVR this since you can not watch it on the internet.
Looking forward to watching it!
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Filming was in early July.
And I thought that actress was me at first too--except that I knew I hadn't been filmed in bed or standing at the door looking out. But when I saw her standing at the door in the commercials that were running I was confused--maybe I forgot they'd filmed me staring out a door--that wasn't even ours! ???
They don't go out of the way to make-up the actors to look like us--just similar features. But she is a clone. WOW, I've got a twin. Eerie.
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I love the fact that Chuck said how he was truly feeling. I know that my H would say the exact same thing if asked! I'm no longer afraid to hear it - which is a relief!
Looking forward to seeing the episode!!! I set my DVR!
You guys are a CUTE couple!!
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Reminder: the series in tonight and for those in the Eastern Time Zone of the US and Canada, it starts in about 10 minutes. Though our episode is not until the 2nd hour.
I'm getting nervous! :P
Oh and they let me say something about the website during the interview, but odds are they will cut it out and nothing will be said about the website and forum and if there is, they probably won't provide the url or any sort of link.
I think the main way to promote will be through comments at those previews--link above. So I am encouraging you--and asking and begging ;) --any of you who are willing, to comment on the preview at the OWN website with references to The Hero's Spouse--they may not allow links in the comments, I don't know.
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Good Job RCR and Sweetheart! You were both very brave to go on TV with your story. Thank you.
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You saw it?
Were we the first or second couple in our show? I'm tired and I don't want to fall asleep--and it's still not on for 80 minutes. I'm taping it, but I want to see it as it airs first.
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I just finished watching, GREAT job, both of you! You are the second couple featured. I am glad I DVR'ed it, as I could only watch about 10 minutes before getting emotional and needing to step away. Knowing what a great person you are and how you took this experience and used it to help so many others, I was just really, really touched. I have to commend Chuck for being so honest and not sugarcoating the 'bad' stuff. I could see so much of my H's turmoil in keeping the double life going, and it actually gave me a lot of peace to hear how you were always on Chuck's mind, even when going through the motions in the other life. Thank you both!
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Will this be aired online or anything? I don't have OWN. If anyone finds a link please post it.
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I found it but it doesn't play from that site in my country :( I really want to see it too!
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I sadly found the same thing - not able to play it in my country either :(
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I made sure to watch it. It's too bad MLC wasn't mentioned.
Great job IMO
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I don't know about down under, but I was told that it will eventually air in the UK. I read that the previews at OWN aren't working for down under--someone asked (maybe one of you guys) in the comments section. UGH.
But for those who can see the previews, they put up a much longer one that highlights the creative editing.
http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/Chuck-and-Kenda-Ruth-Mistress-Ultimatum-Video (http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/Chuck-and-Kenda-Ruth-Mistress-Ultimatum-Video)
And boy was it creative. It doesn't just imply things, it flat out says things--I needed emergency surgery after an auto accident. Um, surgery was not emergency, it was after breaking my foot falling down the stairs and Chuck was living at home at the time, and the surgery was 4 weeks after the fall. It didn't even mention the real car accident that I was in that totaled our truck, but mentioned a near-miss and implied I needed surgery from it! Though the timing of the near miss was accurate, it was then that I let Chuck come home--and that was when he was home for a year and took the affair underground and it was a few days after that near-miss we called the cops on her.
But the FAKE (it was fake people!, okay sorry for the rant ;) ) pregnancy was a year-and-a-half before that and I did not kick him out until two-and-a-half years after the fake pregnancy. But they made it sound like the fake came after the near-miss and cop calling and that I kicked him out because of it. No one watching that could estimate the timeline. And then they said we went to counseling for 2 years. That would be a good idea, but we did not go for even a full year. And he lived in an apartment at the beginning, not the end. And his affair did not go physical until he had been in his apartment for a month and until about 10 weeks after Bomb Drop.
I know they couldn't say the pregnancy was fake as though that were a fact, but I think it would have been better if they had said it was suspected to be fake to highlight what she was like. And absolutely nothing about Standing--about marriage advocacy. I know they want to leave it to the end to reveal if the couple stayed together or not, but they could have still put in some line about my belief system. As for MLC being mentioned, I thought that would have been a lucky break, but had no expectations other than an expectations that it wouldn't be mentioned.
But I'm still pleased with it. And I was especially pleased with that part where Chuck was saying how he was always thinking about me. Just because I knew that inside, it's nice to hear him say it. Though I don't think either of us could have sugar-coated anything. We were each interviewed for hours and hours and the interviewer was specific about the questions--asking us to describe how or what we felt and then often we repeated answers in different ways.
Then at the end they have you say a series of phrases that they can use to edit in. Things like
a month later
and then
the next day
I'd never felt such pain in my life
it hurt more than anything I had ever felt
That's how they were able to say that the pregnancy was a month later.
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I posted a comment on the above link, we shall see if they allow it as it has a link to the main website and your story.
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It doesn't surprise me that they used some questionable editing and that the story was skewed for the program. This is an "entertainment" program - even if it is also aired for informational purposes.
Even news stories are skewed - as the editors and writers choose what they want to include and exclude - which portrays a story in the view of the person making those choices.
I guess, if a program wanted to show only my MLCers viewpoint of what has happened in my life - he could easily be portrayed as the "victim" of a shrewish wife?
I haven't seen the program. OWN is on in my area and it seems that the station repeats programs quite often.
I think it is great that they portrayed your story.
I hope I can see it sometime.
Hugs,
Limitless
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http://on.aol.com/video/chuck-and-kenda-ruth--mistress-ultimatum---leave-your-wife-or-ill-get-an-abortion-517668353
Found it. This link works if you are outside the us...
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Thanks, DF! (Hee, we have the "same" nickname!) I managed to see that clip--wish we could see more, from outside the US.
Also, DF, love your quote. I had the privilege of meeting Lewis Smedes and his wife as a kid many years ago. He was my father's mentor, but I always remember him as being the one to introduce Dr Seuss to me. I read one of his books much later, and it only reinforced what a lovely man I remembered him to be.
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It doesn't surprise me that they used some questionable editing and that the story was skewed for the program. This is an "entertainment" program - even if it is also aired for informational purposes.
And we talked about this during shooting. They were understandably concerned about all the in-outs and that people would not be accepting of that, so they wanted to condense them. I get it. And they did need to condense 3.5 years and I understand there was a lot of drama that was really to extensive for the 20 or so minutes of airtime. Makes me wonder about the other stories.
I haven't seen the program. OWN is on in my area and it seems that the station repeats programs quite often.
They repeated last weeks episodes before they aired this weeks, so if they do that again, my story should air at 8:30 next Saturday. They also repeated them all throughout the night and into the wee morning hours.
I posted a comment on the above link, we shall see if they allow it as it has a link to the main website and your story.
Thanks for trying. I found some rules for the OWN community and assume they also apply to these comment sections. No links allowed. It looks like your comment either has already been removed or did not pass moderation.
The rules also say no self-promotion, so I need to stay away from it I think.
http://on.aol.com/video/chuck-and-kenda-ruth--mistress-ultimatum---leave-your-wife-or-ill-get-an-abortion-517668353
Found it. This link works if you are outside the us...
Awesome! Thank you so much. I just put this and the other link to this clip up on facebook.
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Yes! Just to confirm that the link works here in Brazil too!!
Thanks for that , I had just about gotten resigned to the fact that I wouldn't be able to see it :(
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OK maybe I will try again with no links.
Here is what I posted
Great Job Kenda-Ruth and Chuck.
It is so nice to hear a success story about mid life crisis and infidelity.
Your strength and commitment really shine through.
The fact that Chuck came and left 8 times really put you on a rollercoaster.
Standing up for your marriage is something that many people can hope to aspire to.
It made it through moderation! :) :)
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The link is watchable from the UK? Well done and what a brave move. I am sure your story RCR will stand many in good stead and give hope and courage.
The actors were very good matches.
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OK maybe I will try again with no links.
Here is what I posted
Great Job Kenda-Ruth and Chuck.
It is so nice to hear a success story about mid life crisis and infidelity.
Your strength and commitment really shine through.
The fact that Chuck came and left 8 times really put you on a rollercoaster.
Standing up for your marriage is something that many people can hope to aspire to.
It made it through moderation! :) :)
Awesome and thanks. I just responded. I think I am safe responding or answering a question, but I don't want to violate the rules with blatant self-promotion. I referenced The Hero's Spouse website and I hope that is okay. I may go to the other clip and post something more neutral just so I can be notified when there are comments.
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I watched last night. You both did a wonderful job. As OP said your strength and commitment really do shine through.
I actually watched a four segments. Couldn't help feeling compassion for all those effected by infidelity including the perpetrators. Although they do sensationalize things on the program they do a good job of showing it is not a bowl of cherries for anyone involved.
Of course I am able to watch this now form a totally different perspective then I would have had pre-BD. It is good that you have been able to show others that a marriage can survive and thrive.
Well done RCR.
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I only got to watch the link attached in a previous post on here .. and it brought me to tears.
I have so much respect for the both of you. The pain, the remorse, the LOVE is so evident. The raw emotion of what you both endured and survived shines through.
And i agree with another comment on here, when Chuck said he thought of you all the time... it just hit home. They don't forget us. They can't.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and helping all of us in similar situations.
You are an inspiration ♥
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Awesome and thanks. I just responded. I think I am safe responding or answering a question, but I don't want to violate the rules with blatant self-promotion. I referenced The Hero's Spouse website and I hope that is okay. I may go to the other clip and post something more neutral just so I can be notified when there are comments.
I would post something else more generic with no links. or mention of the site.
Then maybe I can ask you a question about how to get more info or something.
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Yeah, more generic. I tried to post and it still hasn't gone through. I'll try again.
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OK now there are 2 posts there.
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This is so great! Any where to see the entire series? I'm not a TV person. I know we have cable. Or is there a link where we can see the entire series. Also, let me know if you want comment reply posted somewhere.
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This is so great! Any where to see the entire series? I'm not a TV person. I know we have cable. Or is there a link where we can see the entire series. Also, let me know if you want comment reply posted somewhere.
I don't know if the entire series is available somewhere--maybe if you have a subscription online to something that includes OWN.
As for replying--YES, you can leave a reply at the links mentioned in this thread. Your reply may or may not go through if you mention the site's name--even though the name is not the url itself. Though the blog and forum do have the site name in their url. But the idea is really to see if we can end up getting some references that can lead to us--if at least by a Google search. So a reference to me having a forum, website, coaching...just so readers will realize there is a lot more than my story on OWN and be curious.
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I have tried to put in hero's spouse and it was moderated.
I think the more we post, the more possibilites of someone coming up with a google term that will find us.
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I haven't been able to watch this, but regarding the terminology, does "standing for your marriage", or "midlife crisis" work in terms of passing their moderators?
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I haven't been able to watch this, but regarding the terminology, does "standing for your marriage", or "midlife crisis" work in terms of passing their moderators?
Yes both of those terms should be fine and I have already used them.
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The same longer clip is up at Youtube and they are looser with the comments. It would not allow the comment with an actual web link, but it did allow references and I even got the web address for the main site in by removing the www and the .com. We'll see if it stays up.
Here is that clip: http://bit.ly/YaE6qZ (http://bit.ly/YaE6qZ)
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I finally got to watch the show tonight, I only watched your half of the show.
You both did very well, did you give them all those real pictures of you?
I was surprised that there is no host or moderator for the show.
And they never mentioned the length of time at all.
Of course it must have happened in 23 mins because that is as long as the whole program took. :) :) :)
I hope this helps as Oprah is a huge promoter.
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They totally took our episode and Tracy's comments out of context as well. Left out many of the real facts. I wrote a blog post about it and they called me to tell me that I have to take my blog down. Sorry not going to do that, I have an email from their company saying it was confidential until the episode airs.
Here is my post: An Open Letter to True Entertainment and @OWN About Our #Unfaithful Shoot http://j.mp/13WlQZc (http://j.mp/13WlQZc)
I totally understand the condensing for time, our was a 4 - 5 month thing, but taking comments totally out of context is wrong.
I don't know about down under, but I was told that it will eventually air in the UK. I read that the previews at OWN aren't working for down under--someone asked (maybe one of you guys) in the comments section. UGH.
But for those who can see the previews, they put up a much longer one that highlights the creative editing.
http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/Chuck-and-Kenda-Ruth-Mistress-Ultimatum-Video (http://www.oprah.com/own-unfaithful/Chuck-and-Kenda-Ruth-Mistress-Ultimatum-Video)
And boy was it creative. It doesn't just imply things, it flat out says things--I needed emergency surgery after an auto accident. Um, surgery was not emergency, it was after breaking my foot falling down the stairs and Chuck was living at home at the time, and the surgery was 4 weeks after the fall. It didn't even mention the real car accident that I was in that totaled our truck, but mentioned a near-miss and implied I needed surgery from it! Though the timing of the near miss was accurate, it was then that I let Chuck come home--and that was when he was home for a year and took the affair underground and it was a few days after that near-miss we called the cops on her.
But the FAKE (it was fake people!, okay sorry for the rant ;) ) pregnancy was a year-and-a-half before that and I did not kick him out until two-and-a-half years after the fake pregnancy. But they made it sound like the fake came after the near-miss and cop calling and that I kicked him out because of it. No one watching that could estimate the timeline. And then they said we went to counseling for 2 years. That would be a good idea, but we did not go for even a full year. And he lived in an apartment at the beginning, not the end. And his affair did not go physical until he had been in his apartment for a month and until about 10 weeks after Bomb Drop.
I know they couldn't say the pregnancy was fake as though that were a fact, but I think it would have been better if they had said it was suspected to be fake to highlight what she was like. And absolutely nothing about Standing--about marriage advocacy. I know they want to leave it to the end to reveal if the couple stayed together or not, but they could have still put in some line about my belief system. As for MLC being mentioned, I thought that would have been a lucky break, but had no expectations other than an expectations that it wouldn't be mentioned.
But I'm still pleased with it. And I was especially pleased with that part where Chuck was saying how he was always thinking about me. Just because I knew that inside, it's nice to hear him say it. Though I don't think either of us could have sugar-coated anything. We were each interviewed for hours and hours and the interviewer was specific about the questions--asking us to describe how or what we felt and then often we repeated answers in different ways.
Then at the end they have you say a series of phrases that they can use to edit in. Things like
a month later
and then
the next day
I'd never felt such pain in my life
it hurt more than anything I had ever felt
That's how they were able to say that the pregnancy was a month later.
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They totally took our episode and Tracy's comments out of context as well. Left out many of the real facts. I wrote a blog post about it and they called me to tell me that I have to take my blog down. Sorry not going to do that, I have an email from their company saying it was confidential until the episode airs.
Here is my post: An Open Letter to True Entertainment and @OWN About Our #Unfaithful Shoot http://j.mp/13WlQZc (http://j.mp/13WlQZc)
I totally understand the condensing for time, our was a 4 - 5 month thing, but taking comments totally out of context is wrong.
Sorry they did that, are you unhappy that you did the whole episode now?
I think RCR is still happy that it aired and the publicity that it got.
My mother and daughter both are bipolar, and my niece is borderline so I know a thing or two about all of those things.
Thanks for posting the links and I will look around on your blog.
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The fact that they left out the meaningful information regarding why it happened, the negligence and malpractice (not even any mention of over medication, which was a huge part of the interview) was bad enough. But the fact that they took Tracy's comments about her with me and spun it into her with him was the real damaging part that makes me wish we did not do the episode. If you have someone with Borderline then you are familiar with the fact that t feeds off of shame a guilt, by the producers twisting that resulted in a huge amount of shame, which is horribly damaging for someone with her condition.
Had they not twisted the words I would have been disappointed, but still ok for the most part with the episode.