Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Azioni on February 20, 2013, 01:44:51 PM
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I saw this and thought...yes! yes! yes! yes!.... So I decided to open up the floor to them. Feel free to post your own.
" It bothers me I only learned after my husband’s affair that the biggest vulnerability was believing that infidelity would never happen to us. I thought if you love one another and enjoy each other, your spouse will never stray. I thought that true love meant there would never be deception. I believed my husband would never be involved sexually with another woman because he was so physically, emotionally and intellectually attracted to me. I believed that we shared the same values and morals and that meant lies, cheating and adultery did not exist in our lives.
It bothers me that I cannot escape the incessant conversation in my head about my husband’s affair. Remember before your D-Day and you could live in each moment of your day? I remember the happiness I felt and the way I loved my husband without thought. Now my brain is running 24/7 with questions, fears, anxieties, mistrust and loathing. All qualities I now hate about myself. Even if I feel a moment of happiness, I then start to think about my new normal–being aware of happiness despite my inner pain and struggle. The roller coaster conversation in my brain is exhausting. I hate driving in the car alone and talking to myself about the aftermath of his infidelity.
It bothers me that my husband’s character is marred and our marriage is scarred. No matter how we come out of this mess, the story remains in our lives. She becomes part of our marriage–the person who challenged us to love each other and strengthen our marriage? Or the person who destroyed it? At this point, I believe we will make it through. We love each other and my husband is doing the work and trying to live an honest life true to his beliefs and values. He is exploring his weaknesses and how he ended up in a situation he did not want to be in with this woman. But regardless of what he learns, the story remains the same.
It bothers me that I have to talk about this $hit every f*cking day. Seriously. If I don’t talk about my feelings and fears with my husband then they take on a life of their own. It pisses me off that this Bat-$hit Crazy woman has one second of a thought in my brain. People I hate should not take up space in my mind. Why do I continue to brainstorm ideas of how I could screw up her life? Why am I such a good person that I will never carry them out. I believe in karma and I don’t want any bad karma in my life. I am hoping that some day it will end. This affair will not define me, my husband or our marriage. But right now, it feels like a shadow I cannot escape.
I could keep going but I am exhausted just thinking about my list of frustrations. "
(((HUGS)))
Azioni
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It bothers me that for the rest of my life, I will never again say to myself, "my h would never do that"! I was so confident in my h's love for me. It bothers me that I know what it feels like to be betrayed by somebody I trusted with my life, my love, my heart. I trusted him so completely and now, if he is late coming home from work, I cannot rule out that he might be BETRAYING me with somebody else, because I know that he has in the past. It it not outside the realm of possibility.
Passing the baton...
hugs Stayed
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It bothers me that... my now exH made my children and I another statistic of divorce. That even though Ive shown my loyalty and love during all of his absolute crazyness... He chose destroy every part of anything we had ever built together so that he can live in a drunken stupor with a woman who is as toxic as he has allowed himself to become.
It bothers me that... my children have nothing left to what a father is and should be. That they have been hurt my someone who once claimed to love them more than himself. That he still is trying to wedge that 'woman' into their lives and gets angry because they don't accept her and most likely never will. That he is still giving her that kind of control. That he is unwilling to for one moment to put his children's feelings first.
It bothers me that... He doesn't see the pain he's caused.
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Wow...lots of head nodding reading these! Even without reconciliation of any sort, so much of it still fits. I remember readytofixmyselffirst summing it up along the lines of "not feeling special anymore", and that has stuck with me as a really appropriate way to describe this feeling. I resent having to be distracted from my own freedom to carry the burden of his limitations.
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I resent having to be distracted from my own freedom to carry the burden of his limitations.
Oh man... this really hit me!
This is a great thread, looking forward to seeing what REALLY BOTHERS others!
hugs Stayed
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It bothers me that I have given 26 years to a man that doesnt think Im worthy.
It bothers me that I believed everything he ever told me just to find out that alot of it wasnt true.
It bothers me that he has set me on this path and I seem to be getting to the end faster.
It bothers me that I have had to learn to live my life for myself (well, that part doesnt bother me that much). :P
It bothers me that I MIGHT become a statistic of divorce.
It bothers me that my children may have the stigma of "children from a broken home".
Actually EVERYTHING about MLC bothers me.
It bothers me that there are alot of wonderful people here that deserve alot better.
FH
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OH, and one more thing.
It bothers me that Im almost 56..................................... :P :P
FH
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OH, and one more thing.
It bothers me that Im almost 56..................................... :P :P
FH
Hehehehe! hugs Stayed
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it bothers me that.... he put so much energy in trying to make affair work, but not interested in making "us" work. So much thought and planning and secrets, strategy into a person who would toss him out in a blink.
it bothers me that..... I put so much energy and time into a 30 year marriage and he seems to have spent his time on how to get out of the marriage...
It bothers me that ....I can't tell when he's lying....and I have no way to know if he's telling the truth....
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When I first read this on your other thread, this really resonated with me:
" It bothers me I only learned after my husband’s affair that the biggest vulnerability was believing that infidelity would never happen to us. I thought if you love one another and enjoy each other, your spouse will never stray. I thought that true love meant there would never be deception. I believed my husband would never be involved sexually with another woman because he was so physically, emotionally and intellectually attracted to me. I believed that we shared the same values and morals and that meant lies, cheating and adultery did not exist in our lives.
What also bothers me is how my children have been affected, how their innocence and happy, carefree existence was ripped from them, how their views of marriage, love and trust were just - shattered...
It bothers me that so many people in our families and around us have been so affected by this :(
It bothers me that I want to be in a marriage and I am facing the possibility of never being married again.
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So true...As ready2transform said, a lot of head nodding material here... I think my head might bob off! :(
hugs Stayed
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It bothers me my husband's actions get to dictate & limit the choices I get to make for myself and my kids in the future.
It really really really bothers me that my husbands choices may results in me not getting to see my kids everyday.
It especially bothers me I have no power to fix or change any of this....
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So much of this resonated with me. It put into words so eloquently what it is that bothers me.
OH, and one more thing.
It bothers me that Im almost 56..................................... :P :P
FH
You are 56 and FABULOUS
What also bothers me is how my children have been affected, how their innocence and happy, carefree existence was ripped from them, how their views of marriage, love and trust were just - shattered...
OMG>>>YES!!!
(((HUGS TO ALL)))
Azioni
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It bothers me that...... one person's selfishness and destruction(my husband's) have unilaterally destroyed the lives of three others (D21, S18, and myself) who had no say whatsoever in the tearing apart of their family - financially, emotionally, relationally.
It bothers me that..... as a result of my husband's sin, my family's milestones - graduations, family weddings, birthdays, confirmations, anniversaries - have been forever marred by a veil of darkness. The five years of his crisis have ruined special days in my children's lives that cannot ever be made right.
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I resent having to be distracted from my own freedom to carry the burden of his limitations.
More bothering than resent for me but the rest I agree with. It bothers me that this is such a waste of time and money.
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Hi all,
This is my first post but I've been following and reading here for a few months. This forum has been a godsend for me. I will tell my story soon but this was such a great thread I was compelled to jump in.
It bothers me that I can never again say my husband hasn't cheated on me.
It bothers me that, in his darkest time, he turned to someone else instead of to me.
It bothers me that, despite the emotional turmoil he was going through (and I have real sympathy for it), he gave up on us.
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It bothers me that we promised each other that divorce is not an option and now he thinks it is the only option.
It bothers me that I think about this when I wake up and before I go to sleep every day.
It bothers me that I dread his phone call or his visits as they are just too painful.
It bothers me that he keeps trying to introduce my S10 to his partner in adultery.
It bothers me that he has walked away from God and yet still goes to church as if nothing is wrong.
It bothers me that his family has thrown me away just like he has.
It bothers me that he says S10 is the most important thing in his life, but obviously not as important as he is to himself
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It bothers me that...
I will never completely trust h again.
He is a compulsive lier.
He could walk away so easily and not even try.
Our baby will never really know him.
he thinks he will be a better father. Really only seeing them a few hours a week?
he has changed me and I can't be the mother I want/need to be.
He thinks we can be friends.
He has made me a single parent and destroyed my family.
I have to get a new life and my future that I dream of is gone.
He could hurt me so bad and not think twice about it.
He can just walk away from all his responsibilities and believe they are no longer his.
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It bothers me that H used to say we'd be together forever (in this life and all the next ones) and now he can't say if we'll be together next month.
It bothers me that H can fall afoul of every rule and tenet of marriage, and then magnanimously say "we both created problems, I won't place all the blame on you".
It bothers me that I cannot freely forgive. I remember what he said to me. How do you block that memory??
It bothers me that H's parents are perfect examples to him of appalling, racist, selfish behaviour... and that he doesn't see it.
It bothers me that, even if my H returns to my arms, he will have earned the eternal enmity of my sister (who used to love him); and that my parents (who still love him) will never trust him again. It bothers me that my sense of family will never be the same. And I fear that I will never trust again.
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Wow, I think everyone here has said what bothers me .... but, in my own words:
It bothers me that my H has repeated the actions of his mother and father and doesn't see it.
It bothers me that my children may too repeat the pattern of their father and grandmother and great grandmother.
It bothers me that my children will grow up without a comfortable, cosy sense of love and family. Their experience of family will always be broken, fragmented, damaged.
It bothers me that my H maintained throughout our R that the worst thing you can do to your children is to get divorced and now feels the best thing to do for our children is to separate and get divorced.
It bothers me that my sense of trust has been damaged forever because the one person I trusted never to lie and cheat has lied and cheated to the people who love him the most.
It bothers me that I have to say goodbye to my children every other weekend.
It bothers me that my H has chosen to share his life and success with a young colleague and not his family that has supported and facilitated his creative work, lifestyle and life choices.
It bothers me that my daughter and son cry with pain their hearts for the loss of their father and family as they knew it.
It bothers me that I cry with pain in my heart for the loss of my love and my beautiful family that we longed for.
It bothers me that I didn't cherish that love and partnership enough, because life and difficulties got in the way.
I could go on but I think I should stop now!
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It bothers me that we have to go through so much devastation, pain and darkness before we finally find the light. Only to discover that the light was there inside of us, hidden amongst the shadows, all along.
(and by 'we' i mean both the LBS and MLCer)
AWESOME THREAD BY THE WAY! ♥
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It bothers me
That he wont wake the f up !!! and I never use that word.
The damage he may have done to our sons for their future.
That I dont even know how I feel about him anymore.
Oh what a mess it just bothers me, so maybe I do still love him.
Time will tell and that bothers me too.
xx
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It bothers me.....
That the man I trusted....let us down...
That one wrong word from him....sends my tummy into a pretzel knot (lol)
That my H is oblivious to the damage he's caused...
That before I go to sleep at night...it's on my mind and again when I wake up....
That his family think it's Ok....as long as he's happy....
That I didn't see this coming....
That he's broken our marriage vows..... :-[ something so precious...
That my life train has derailed.....
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It bothers me that my children’s own father tainted their view of the world, specifically relationships and made it a less safe place. Lies, betrayal, and repugnant behavior was no longer something that just "other people" had. It was brought right to their doorstep.
It bothers me that my children are denied a father that they can respect, or trust.
It bothers me that my grandchildren are denied a grandfather who could love them, or be a positive influence in their lives. I am bothered by the story that I will have to tell them in the future of what happened to their grandfather. I don’t know what I will say.
It bothers me that one who influenced and helped to shape our family structure, our values and our beliefs that we taught our children, was the one to tear down that structure, and the one who tried to make a complete mockery of what was taught.
It bothers me that I struggle financially because of what he’s done, and it permeates almost every aspect of my existence. It affects my quality of life, it limits the time that I can spend with my children and grandchildren, and it endangers my health and my safety.
It bothers me that my elderly parents have lost a son in-law who could do things to help them. They were very good to him, and helped him out a lot in the past. He hurt and betrayed them too.
It bothers me that even he is not happy, and this is all such a shame, and a waste. The irony of his being so selfish is that he ends up with nothing.
It bothers me that there are so many people that are suffering because of all of this.
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Oh wow!!!
It bothers me that I recognize every single thing, that every single one of you, ARE BOTHERED BY!
Oh ughhhhhhhh.
lots of love and hugs... Stayed
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It bothers me that we have to have this thread.
BUT
I am glad that we are able to, glad that everyone is able to write it down and get it out.
The scripts are so much the same.
It proves how biological all this is.
The forces are stronger than anything we can imagine.
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This is a brilliant thread with great contributions. Kudos to Azioni for starting it!! :)
It bothers me that...
I can never again go back to believing wholeheartedly in "The Fairytale."
When I hear about someone's upcoming nuptials it makes me wince and not smile.
I'd thought I did everything right in choosing a mate, yet it has made no difference.
Men with wives who treat them horribly don't leave, yet my H just had to leave me.
My H's version of what happened with us has been spread around as gospel truth.
The word "Divorced" will soon apply to me, and I never ever believed that it would.
There's the possibility of my H's life actually starting to improve once he's rid of me.
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It too bothers me that I can recognize and feel sad about everything, everyone has written.
It bothers me that we are all here.
It bothers me that no matter what the outcome, we will NEVER, EVER, be the same.
FH
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It bothers me that no matter what the outcome, we will NEVER, EVER, be the same.
I have to intervene here and say...YAHOOOOOOOOOO... and I hope we never are again! I like to think we are way, way, way better then that...
hugs Stayed
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It bothers me that:
I can't listen to the radio anymore as EVERY SINGLE SONG either reminds me of him in the past or fits things right now!
He thinks seeing his kids for 2 hours a week is perfectly acceptable.
He thinks his wh@re "appreciates" him. And worse that I DIDN'T!!!
He defends HER but puts ME down!
That I have to struggle every single day to keep my self from becoming a nasty vindictive person who seeks revenge.
That I can relate to every single post in this thread!!!!!
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It bothers me that:
I am here writing this on friday night.
That my idea of our perfect little family has been shattered.
That I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night thinking about this. It's consuming me.
That my daughter has been forever changed.
That I will soon be divorced.
That I can relate to all of these posts.
That being alone will be my future.
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It bothers me that my h is not special.
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It bothers me that mizdiz started a thread called 'These things I like' and it has had 2 responses in the first 14 hours.
On the same timeframe this thread had 25 responses.........
It bothers me that the focus is still heavily on the MLCer and not on the good, positive work we are undertaking on ourselves and sharing the results
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Moving forward i was goner reply to this thread with................in many ways my h's MLC as made me realize that I do not need my h ...............whilst i wanted him and still love him..............i have learned what it means to get to know myself................that's something Ive not had the pleasure in doing in 27 yrs....................somewhere along the lines all Ive ever been is a mum and wife (whilst i wouldn't change that) ..............i never truly knew who i was or what i wanted as an adult i was still a child when h and I met ( i was 17 h was 16)............this i believe was a wake up call for the both of us................my h had become too dependent on me (looking back i was looked upon as his mum) he never had to get himself out of fix.........cos frankly i always stepped in...........now im not around he as to think for himself ............if this had not happened i feel sure i would have ended up resenting h and maybe we would have broke up anyway.........GOD may have created this mess we call MLC to wake both of us up before we lost each other for ever..............I really don't dwell on the things hes done or doing anymore really ...........don't get me wrong little things enter my thoughts ................but i think Ive finally allowed forgiveness into my heart and mind.........so i find dealing with h a lot easier..................i think it also helps that out of the blue my h sent me an apology for what hes done...........whilst its only words ...........i needed to hear them so i could really allow myself to TRULY forgive him xxxxxxxxxxxx
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GOD may have created this mess we call MLC to wake both of us up before we lost each other for ever....
I agree WGH. A person who has been like a father to me since my Dad died told me, "did it ever occur to you that you aren't the one who needed to learn a lesson from this?" I know God has a plan. I know it involves both of us as I'm drawing closer and closer to God. Growth is never easy or painless, but it is always worth it.
If my H responds to God's leading and finds his way Home, he will find a different woman than the one he left.......
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What impresses me, I was just over to the "what pleases me" thread and the same people are posting on it. It appears we are able to understand and express the "what bothers us" and at the same time, TOTALLY APPRECIATE what we do have, what we have learned, what we will take from this experience and NEVER FORGET.
That seems like a good thing to me....
hugs Stayed