Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Still on September 01, 2010, 11:30:52 AM
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It seems so simple when we read these types of websites:
http://divorcesupport.about.com/b/2008/01/08/midlife-crisis-and-divorce.htm
Wouldn't it be nice if we could really get our MLC'ers to just talk to someone?
I remember reading a website on this topic which said "MLC can last as long as two years." Hmmmm, really? I'm not sure I have ever heard of one lasting only 2 years, except for Laura Munson.
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Most sites and people only see replay as the MLC. Replay is obvious and everyone becomes aware of it. The issues prior to replay are not as evident and you only become aware of them as you trace them back prior to bd. Then once the person enters withdrawal/depression then most people assume the crisis is over. However, it is not until acceptance that the person emerges as a complete whole once more.
I avoid trying to look at signs of which point my spouse is in because I do not want to be drawn into the cycles of my w. Right now she is in an up cycle but I am acutely aware that this can change rapidly.
In each of our situations, there is nothing simple.
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Yes, it would be nice if it were so simple. I'm sure for some people, in midlife transition, that would be enough.
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I'm glad I fell across this one. I don't manage to read every post as it can become overwhelming, but anyway. I am workng on my Bachelor's degree in Psychology and the class I'm currently in is life span development. In one of our discussions the topic of midlife crisis came up. Most people think that the crisis is the sports car, youthful events, OW. I stated those were only symptoms and that it was well beyond that. It is a psychological nightmare for all involved.
I couldn't explain it to them, the personal hell that goes along with all of this not only ours but the MLC'er too. I told it was hard to explain and told them I hoped they never had to experience this but there is support out here if needed. The only one who was getting it was the instructor as he is a family counselor. I'm not sure when I posted answers to the discussion I was making much sense as It's hard to explain this in 500 words or less.
It was great to see someone interested enough to post it for a discussion.
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It would be great if the MLCer were willing to seek help.....and I agree that the ones who are willing to seek help are more likely experiencing a "transistion" as opposed to a "crisis".
I will give some credit to the article that was linked, though. I found that exact article shortly after "bomb drop". I thought "Wow, you can just go down that list and I heard EVERY one of those." This was a day or two after my counselor told me he thought my wife was in MLC. It started to confirm to me that she indeed was experiencing MLC. I still made MANY mistakes as far as begging, pleading, etc. The "cycling" of my MLCer kept putting doubts in my mind that it was MLC for a few months.
Rarely will someone in MLC seek help, and even if they do it may not matter. I base this on what RCR and others have said about this is a journey that must be gone THROUGH.
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I agree, LeftyluLu. It is extremely hard to explain to people the true MLC experience, for the MLCer or the LBS unless you have been there. To others, it just seems like an excuse for someone who is behaving badly. I just really don't talk about it anymore with more than a couple of people IRL.
When this all came down on my family, I didn't think I knew anyone IRL who had been through it at all, but now I am able to pinpoint some that, while I can't be sure, I would say are going through/went through an MLC.
I think God puts us on this journey partly so we can reach out to others with true understanding - goodness knows when we are in the midst of it we need someone who understands so we don't go crazy thinking WE are crazy! :o
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It would be great if the MLCer were willing to seek help.....and I agree that the ones who are willing to seek help are more likely experiencing a "transistion" as opposed to a "crisis".
I totally agree. After talking with my brother recently, I believe my SIL is going through a transition but they are seeking help and while things aren't good I think it is more of a transition than a crisis. I am not close to her so I can't really say for sure, but I certainly have an even deeper sympathy for what my brother is going through.
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The Conway's book "Women in Midlife Crisis" helped me formulate my belief about a "transistion" vs a "crisis". At the start of the book, Sally Conway wrote about her personal experience. She wrote that she wished Jim could help her, but that he didn't seem to understand. In her writing, and I don't remember the exact wording, but she said she didn't really want to run away. I would call that a transistion.
Later in the book it basically says that a "transistion" can turn into a "crisis" when the actions of the person at midlife goes against their values.
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That is a good explanation. I haven't read that one as I am dealing with a man in MLC. Yup, my H is definitely in crisis mode. If you had told me even two and a half years ago that my H was capable of walking away from his family I would have not believed it. It goes against everything he valued and believed in prior to MLC.
I worry some because I definitely am going through some sort of transition myself, midlife or not, but I can't fathom walking away from my family. I am trying to use it to make positive changes, changes I should have been doing all along, so maybe it is more like a kick in the butt. :)
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I'm like DontGiveUp, I also found that article about two or three months after my wife left, and I finally started to figure out what was going on with her. She matched every single bit of what that article says. I heard it all. It is amazing how people do not understand what MLC really is! I must admit I was one of them, until it happened to my boys, and me.