Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Katie-Scarlett on March 08, 2013, 02:35:48 PM
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This has got me scratching my head. My H's birthday is in 2 weeks. I've not initiated any contact what so ever with H after the "I need time to sort things out" message from him after Valentine's Day.
Do I send a birthday card? If so, what kind of message do I write? In the past I would get a cute card with a puppy or something (he loves animals) and just write "Love Katie" on the inside.
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Katie
If he wants time to "sort things out", then give him time to sort things out. If you send him a card, he may take it as being "clingy". Don't be clingy. Give him time and space, if that is what he asked for, he needs it.
I've been dealing with this for almost 2 years and the best thing I ever did was letting go. Letting go of contacting him, checking on him, asking him questions. This doesn't mean that you don't care or you don't love him anymore, it just means that you let him deal with this all by himself and you don't get involved. It helped ME heal.
Being able to just let go was hard and it took me a couple of months, but I'm glad I did and you know what, now he is starting to come around, again.
It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, especially after being married 25 years, but I'm glad I did.
I hope you find peace
Stillhoping
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I agree with SH don't worry about him and love him enough to let him go.
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It makes sense. I just remember all the birthdays that I didn't acknowledge because he said he didn't want anything and then later he was upset with me.
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It makes sense. I just remember all the birthdays that I didn't acknowledge because he said he didn't want anything and then later he was upset with me.
1. He said he didn't want anything
2. He was later upset with you
3. You chose not to acknowledge his Birthday.
It is still possible to acknowledge someone's birthday, without buying them something.
Special dinner etc
His behaviour in the past has been passive aggressive.
I agree with the others. He wants his space. I would give it to him.
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It makes sense. I just remember all the birthdays that I didn't acknowledge because he said he didn't want anything and then later he was upset with me.
Hm, this was true with my H, he hated his birthday because he said he always had terrible hay fever at the time, a side effect of which was a low mood/depressive mood. I would try my best to make it special but he was often a bit dismissive of the day. I sent my H a text wishing him Happy Birthday last year, he appreciated it and said he didn't much care for his birthday. I told him how sad that had always made me feel, it felt like he didn't value himself. One of the things he levelled at me at BD was that I never got him any presents or thoughtful gifts. I guess ow is thoughtful gift girl???
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One of the things he levelled at me at BD was that I never got him any presents or thoughtful gifts.
Oi. Did he ever express this before? Did he ever tell you how much he like presents? If he didn't tell you, how could you know?
Since when did you mind read?
This tells me he had "expectations" of you that you never fulfilled, but he never let on what those expectations were.
He put you in a no win situation.
I hope you realise this now.
As for the birthday, I'm with the others. He wants space, give him lots and lots. Let him miss you, let him wonder. If he contacts you, you may wish him a happy birthday but leave it there.
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Wow. Did his mother ignore his birthdays? And is he projecting this neglect onto you? Or, did she make a really really big deal about his birthdays and he expected you to ignore his requests and show your love by being like his mother? Just wondering.
I'm a fan of no-drama NC, but then again I'm not a stander. I still think it helps YOU heal to do so--if he wants you as a partner, he'll let you know. Otherwise, no cake. Not even birthday cake. If you DO decide that you want to be sweet and lift his spirits, then send the card but with NO expectations that it will bring him home. It won't. HE has to sort out his own mind--and so do you. When you interact with a MLCer and their irrational mind, it confuses both of you.
Just my 2 cents. Now worth half a cent. ;)
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Wow. Did his mother ignore his birthdays? And is he projecting this neglect onto you? Or, did she make a really really big deal about his birthdays and he expected you to ignore his requests and show your love by being like his mother? Just wondering.
I'm a fan of no-drama NC, but then again I'm not a stander. I still think it helps YOU heal to do so--if he wants you as a partner, he'll let you know. Otherwise, no cake. Not even birthday cake. If you DO decide that you want to be sweet and lift his spirits, then send the card but with NO expectations that it will bring him home. It won't. HE has to sort out his own mind--and so do you. When you interact with a MLCer and their irrational mind, it confuses both of you.
Just my 2 cents. Now worth half a cent. ;)
His mother would make a big fuss and then give him a gift that would embarass him or make other embarassing comments. Yes he is passive aggressive. Holidays and special occasions are hard for him. I was able to witness his mother during a special event and she would orchestrate and manage. She told people where to sit at the table. In a restaurant. She reminds me of my sister. Maybe that's why H and sis don't get along!!! LOL He hates the control but if you don't do the control he thinks you don't care about him.
I think I'll continue with the no contact. I will wish him a Happy Birthday and let God take the message to him. ;)
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Good plan Katie.
Oi. Did he ever express this before? Did he ever tell you how much he like presents? If he didn't tell you, how could you know?
Since when did you mind read?
This tells me he had "expectations" of you that you never fulfilled, but he never let on what those expectations were.
He put you in a no win situation.
I think that is so true. My H has verbalized some things to me and one thing I realized early on is that he did not share that with me so how could I have known. Each time he brings something up, I simply ask him why he didn't tell me but he told others? Or I say its too bad he didn't share with me so I would have known. In the long run he is realizing that many of his issues are of his own making as I don't own what he failed to share. Hmmmm.......something I need to think more on.