Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Standing in Patience on March 19, 2013, 05:20:33 AM
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I am wondering if there is a correlation about the number of times there was a mention of separation then divorce filing before follow through?
Some of us are separated, others are divorced and it appear many of us are in between - limbo. It could be a few days, months, years or even decades before action is taken. And of course, you could be physically separated and not divorced until both spouses die.
I realize answers will relate somewhat to clinging boomerangers, vanishers, and on-offers perhaps but it would be interesting to see if the "number" of statements of D are also related.
Thanks, all.
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Well I voted for so many times I can't count, but I never took any of them seriously and it was all prior to MLC.
Seriously it was all related to the time of the month and her wanting a little space each month.
I wish I would have known that MLC was around the corner.
I thought we were happily married for 25 of the 30 years.
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The very first time the word divorce was ever mentioned, my H was quick to follow through next day and file. Before that, he had only ever mentioned wanting to be separated. I got no warning that he ever thought about divorcing me. I thought he'd just wanted a break from his responsibilities as a husband. When he told me that he was going to check into a divorce the next day, even then I only thought it meant he wanted to find out some info and discuss it, not actually file. And in our case, it wasn't a threat. He wasn't using it as a manipulation tool after a fight, he brought it up calmly and matter-of-factly and blindsided me with it. And it marked his change from clinger or boomeranger to vanisher. Everything changed for both of us once Divorce was on the table. And it happened so quickly, even without his putting forth continual effort. I think if it is mentioned a lot maybe it is only a bluff?
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I voted for 1, though he had actually not yet found an attorney. He did soon after and began the paperwork and then called the attorney to put it on hold but keep his retainer. He made me a promise that he would wait and see for 3 months. I knew he wouldn't do that; I knew the length would be determined by the alienator. He completed the filing about 6 weeks later.
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My H mentioned it after BD - telling me that we would get divorced online.
It was me who, before finding this site, sought legal advice and pushed for a separation date and divorce. This forced him to see a lawyer, which he made a huge fuss about, because of the money.
Since then my H only pursued the divorce insomuch that he said, "we should probably talk about what we need to do". He would not mention the D word.
About 3 months ago he mentioned that, since we have the separation date, he can divorce me in March 2014 without my consent.
That's as much D-talk as there has been.
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I'e been hit twice, the first time only a few months after BD -- he came about 2 or 3 weeks after bd asking what I thought of divorcing, I said I was absolutely not at all thinking of it; I got a legal letter soon after, and he went and tried to file 2 months later. He stopped that action.
Fast forward a few years; he says that he again wants to (monster response to being called out on bad behaviour); that time it took another 4months for him to write to say he'd seen a lawyer; 3months later he again monstered in response to the children telling him how they felt, saying that he had instructed one, that letter arrived 2 months after that. That action is continuing; looks like it will be carried out this time. Again, he actually filed without telling me, as a monster response. Each time something has happened it has been as a lashing out against being called on bad behaviour.
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I voted "so many times I can't count". After the affair was outed at BD2, his response to my anger was to threaten divorce (since I didn't know MLC at that point, and we were separated, it's not like this was a big shocker to use against me). He claimed to have gone to an L two days later that he found online, but this L never had a name. He gave me all sorts of info that wasn't true (I think he was trying to inspire ME to file and do the work), saying he wanted to do this as fast as possible, "so R2T, you can move on with your life passed this". Then he got cold feet and asked me if I'd mind if we waited until after the new year, since he was very busy and had the holidays coming up. ??? Then it didn't come up again for a few months and he mentioned he was having second thoughts but still thought it was best to move forward with it. It continued to be an every few months thing until last August, when he said he had gone to a lawyer (a different one from before) and would "keep me in the loop" about his D. He started stressing that I should not fight him on it, and any non-compliance with what he wanted was seen as not making this amicable - something he kept pressuring me with, as though again Monster is saying this is my fault (Monster hadn't really made much of an appearance for many months). It heated up considerably before he actually filed in September when I said I would get my own lawyer to represent me in the debt (which we have a considerable amount of I've been carrying on my own) and asset division. OW forced him to file within two weeks after that, I got served and provided a ream worth of discovery, and that was the last I heard. ::) In our state it could have been before a judge in 60 days, but we're now about 6 months out with no movement.
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Hello:
Unfortunately, I was the one who threatened divorce for many years. My H has issues with lying and the way I handled the untruths was to threaten divorce. I now know that this was not appropriate and took a huge toll on my H, but at the time the threats became a coping mechanism. Truthfully, I never meant it, but I have learned that words have a lot more power then one thinks. H began to pull away from me emotionally in April 2012. He worked ALL of the time and when he was home he was on the computer or cell phone. BD #1 as June 2012. I got the "I don't think we are going to make it speech". He agreed to counseling but only went 3 times before deciding it wasn't working. BD #2 was October 31, 2012 and on November 3rd he told me he wanted a divorce. I asked if we could just separate for awhile and he would not have any of that. He told me he would do it on the internet and I could not stop him. I spoke with my parents and they helped me find an Attorney. I felt that this was in my best interests in order to protect my kids and I since he makes a lot more money than I do. I filed and did all of the work (this was before I found this forum and learned about MLC). I regret my decision to file, but I had to protect my children. The divorce was final within 60 days and H announced the OW pretty much the next day. I now know in my heart that she was a big motivator in why he wanted a divorce. Her divorce was final after ours. My H had always said that he never thought about divorce, but once he made up his mind there was no turning back. I have made so many mistakes in this process, but I am so blessed to have found this forum to help guide me down this path.
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Since BD so many times I couldn't count. Since BD and until Mr J filled for the first time there were some 20 months, and some 24 until he get to court.
6.5 years down the line we remain legally married. Yes, Mr J is on his second court case, refuses to deal out of court but we never had a single hearing so, not sure what is going to happen...
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The only times my H has mentioned divorce (twice) has been to say that he is not going to do that, even though he legally could now since we have been separated more than two years. States he doesn't want to divorce (??).
What he has wanted is for us to come to some agreement about me removing myself from our Company (to keep the OW happy no doubt). I am not happy to do this.
He is a clinger, so cycles wildly with this. Currently any legal action has been stalled.
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I voted the first one. H told me he wanted out of the marriage during BD. I was encouraged by many to seek out a lawyer to get a formal separation agreement in place in order to protect me and my son.
I do recall my H saying that some people are separated for years and never divorce. I'm not sure what he was implying. At any rate, my lawyer sent him a letter and only then did he retain a lawyer as well.
I've done my side of the paper work. H has done nothing. I have decided to just be still and not push this along. If its what he wants, then he can do the work now. I have enough on my mind to copy myself. Right!?
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Since he left a year and a half ago, legal separation is mentioned about once a month on average or, if he perceives any criticism or slight. He has got as far as downloading an agreement & 6 emails back & forth negotiating a settlement. I do not believe his action/inaction in any way reveals his intentions or plans for the future; I mean whether or not he will actually go thru with it. He expected me to file & he still expects me to do the work. There is no advantage for me to file & until he withholds support or something I won't help him. And yes, there is pressure from ow.