Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: superdog on April 09, 2013, 12:03:25 PM
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I have a question about how your parents interact with your mlcer.
Unfortunately my mum has taken to handing the children over outside her house. My h has mentioned this a few times now and it clearly bothers him.
Previously me parents had a lot of time for my h but unavoidably they have seen the devastation we have been through.
Two things. I can't make my mum allow anyone in her home she doesn't want there but I will broach it with her. She is PA too in her own way.
I asked h do you want me to ask her why. His response was " it is how it is there is a reason for it and there is nothing I can do about it". Not taking responsibilty.
I guess their relationship with our parents is just another consequence for them to deal with.
Just interested to know of this in other's sitch's.
Sd
X
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My dad loves Hoss, but he has no trust for him. The one time since BD that he has seen him, my dad was cordial, but I know he wouldn't allow him in his house, either. It is a consequence, for sure.
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my parents were so proud of their son in law - a good man with a well-respected job. he would often bring cigars when we would go visit so he and my dad could sit out and have a puff. my mom would always ensure that he got his proper meals and special breakfasts.
they were devastated by this. my father had a very hard time, as he is not one who is overly emotional, but he felt betrayed personally and hugely saddened for me. my mother was much more verbal about the betrayal but was very civil to him. my dad would leave anytime husband would show up to pick up or drop off our son during summer and school break visits. eventually, so did my mom. it was often left to my sister, who could pretend to be pretty clueless and indifferent about stuff to hand off son to his dad (not an insult, by any means, just to say that she was perfect for this kind of exchange). things warmed during his attempted return but then went boobies up again when it was found that he never stopped seeing his ow.
my parents and my inlaws weren't super close but mil and fil did feel the need to visit my parents and apologize for their son. my parents said the embarrassment was palpable. in laws still aren't fully engaged with their son and it does really seem like efforts aren't being made on either side. ugh...
at any rate, if they are somehow forced to interact, as in drop off and pick up, you can count on my dad not being there, my mom likely not being there, depending if she can move fast enough ;D bad knees, and most likely my sister there with big baby blues going "huh? oh! right...here for son, aren't you?" and that about sums it up after 20 years of being family :-\
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My Father is deceased and my Mom lived with us at BD. She has helped care for our S10 since he was born. She is concerned about how it would be if he came back. I think she is scared. She retreats to her room when H comes over. Very sad. She is very angry and would like to speak her mind.
Time will tell......
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It's early yet since BD but my mom cycles with me. She hates him, feels sorry for him, disappointed, confused...you name it. I think she is very emotional right now and would most likely cry In his presence. I think tho she will try to be nice if she sees him, h will avoid at all cost.
My dad works for h, so he is stressed 24/7, thinking the OW (h's assistant) will try to get rid of him. Dad works in one of h's companies that is not in the same office but has to talk with him almost weekly. H tries to avoid dad and doesn't answer many of the emails. My dad has to try to get answers else where, frustrating. Right now it is business only and just tries to leave emotions out of it.
I think both of them would be accepting of h if he were ever to recover and admit his crisis. My brothers on the other hand..maybe not.
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My entire family is full on embroiled in this drama and, though it is my fault, I hate it! I kept the affair a secret from my side of the family until the day h told me he wanted a divorce. Then I told my mom, dad, brother and sister in law. At that point, my mother refused to speak with H's family anymore. She says she just can't hold her tongue. I feel very bad about this, and have tried to discuss it with her several times, like "it's not like they support his decisions", but she feels the way she feels. Since we've been talking more and more about the potential for our marriage ultimately working out, my h has mentioned this--feeling that my family hates him. A good friend of mine summed it up thusly: "well, a heartfelt apology would go a long way." He's nowhere near being able to do that.
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It's tragic. My H didn't grow up close with his own mother. He and my mother got along great instantly and became very close and had a lot of fun just doing things together, and talking regularly. He remarked many times over the years how he'd felt closer to my mother than his. Enter MLC. The first "casualty" was when she'd closed her facebook account due in part to my H's angry often incoherent postings.
They stopped calling each other. Our Christmas get-together was strained, to say the least. She's told me several times she intends to tell him off one day, and the most recent "warning" was late last month after I'd told her his divorce from me is final. Someday she might do it but I hope not. Their relationship was really sweet.
It's something I hope can be repaired if Mr. Wed and I ever actually get re-wed lol.
There's no telling, though. When someone's hurt your child, forgiving gets difficult.
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Not that my h comes into contact with my parents, if he has to pick the boys up from there, yeah he honks the car horn. MY dad is angry and disappointed with him so i think that he would defo not be allowed in the house. My mom would let him and be cordial but if he dared say anything negative about me, he would get get it full force thrown back at him. THe last time she did that was two years ago and he hasnt bothered since.
My dad and mom are different, my dad will support his girl (me) before anyone but my mom although she would come out on my side, she could be persuaded quite easily not to. Love her to bits though.x
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Wow, every story is pretty similar and not surprisingly. If any man treated my daughter this badly I don't know what I would do. Don't even want to think about it actually.
My dad has no contact with him at all and stays out of even the shortest interactions. I think he does not trust himself not to let rip.
I agree that I should not have shared as much as I did but I needed my parents at that time. However, I know that if my h ever goes to them and is genuinely remorseful for the things he has done the damage could be vastly limited. I don't think they will ever think the same of him again though.
My h seems on the surface to just swallow this down, but knowing him as I do the fact that people think so badly of him will be eating away at his insides. The whole nothing I can do about it etc is a denial, defence mechanism.
I have resisted the urge to try and fix any of that situation as it is not my damage to repair. It's his problem at the end of the day and just one more thing to add to his list of things he has to deal with. It's really no wonder they run from all this, even the sanest of people would see the enormity of the challenge of getting others even remotely back on side. They really do ruin their own lives.
SD
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At first I was inclined to say that it's the consequence of his behavior but then I remembered there is a child involved. Will it harm the child to see his father treated as a second class citizen? I don't have children but I am from a divorce plus see how some of my friends let their bitterness spill over onto the relationship the children have with the other parent. The kid knows they are half their father so when they hear bad things about their father then they can feel that they are half bad, too, or destined to follow in bad footsteps. I think in decisions like these, it is good to consider what would be best for the child, too.
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My H and I had been together since we were 17. My baby brother was little when we started dating and basically grew up idolizing my H. My brother adored him and they had such a strong bond until about 4-5 years ago when the issues started. Once H started lying to me about finances I had to tell my parents because we needed help getting out of the financial pit he had gotten us into. Once the lying continued though I should have kept it between H and I and I didn't. That is one mistake I made that I wish that I could take back. My Mom, Dad and brothers do not trust H any further than they could throw him. My Mom is a little more accepting of him than my dad and brothers. They want nothing to do with him now that he has left us and I seriously doubt that a relationship could be fixed if H returns. I pray for this daily. All of them tell me on a regular basis that I am better off without him. This is so hurtful because H has been with me longer than we were ever single, he is the father of my children and he is who I want to grow old with someday. I am praying that time will heal all wounds.
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Sorry to hear that you have first hand experience of divorce still kicking.
I do know from my own situation that interactions are grown up and limited with little to no verbal discussions with my parents. My children do not hear anything either my parents or I have to say about my h.
On the flip side of what you said would it not be a life lesson for children to understand that to a large degree bad behaviour has consequences , no matter whether this is depression, mlc or otherwise ? Children IMO soak up as much in what they see for themselves as what they are taught in specifics.
Relationships with others is a huge part of growing up, hence the reason our mlcers struggle with them so much. Just my opinion.
SD
x
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My mum died before BD but she loved Mr B - they got along well and family get togethers with my family were much more relaxed and fun than at the ILs.
My dad doesn't have much time for him and for some time wouldn't even call my home in case Mr B was here and answered. I think that's because he just wouldn't know what to say to him. My sister unfriended him on FB because she said she couldn't trust herself not to give him a piece of her mind.
:) x
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My h seems on the surface to just swallow this down, but knowing him as I do the fact that people think so badly of him will be eating away at his insides.
I believe this of my husband as well. At first, he was always asking what my parents now thought of him, how they must hate him, and he really seemed pained. He used to love the fact that they were so proud of him. It's also true that he never wants to be seen as the bad guy so I really think that would prevent reconciliation. He's a weak man, that much has become apparent. I don't believe he could ever face my parents and say the heartfelt words needed to begin to make amends. Along with everything else, it would be easier just to toss it all and start over.
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My family loves Mr J like a son. We meet when he was 17 and me 18. There is no contact between Mr J and my family.
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On the flip side of what you said would it not be a life lesson for children to understand that to a large degree bad behaviour has consequences , no matter whether this is depression, mlc or otherwise ? Children IMO soak up as much in what they see for themselves as what they are taught in specifics.
Relationships with others is a huge part of growing up, hence the reason our mlcers struggle with them so much. Just my opinion.
SD
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It is important to learn about consequences but there is also learning that no one is perfect and there is forgiveness and the example of taking the higher road. Certainly the Dad doesn't deserve good treatment but the kid deserves to have a dad. Could banning the dad from the house to show consequences make the child feel caught in the middle as far as feeling he would betray half of the family by loving his dad?
I don't know the answers. Just thinking. I am reading threads about people trying to figure out the best way to tell the kids and to tell you the truth I have no memory of what I was told or of even feeling bad. I remember we weren't supposed to tell anyone as it was the days of Divorce Court on TV and shame and my mother was afraid "bad men" might break into the house if they knew a man was no longer there. But I have no memory of how it was explained to me.
I don't think it was a surprise as there was lots of fighting and carrying on. In fact I think it was a bit of a relief to have him out of there. But I know that even though I didn't even like the guy there were self esteem issues as far as being deserted by him. My mother in retrospect had huge strength to never badmouth him and to explain that he had disappeared because he was "sick" and not that he didn't love us. But a child can't help but think that if a person that is supposed to love you no matter what can disappear than maybe there is something that makes them not as lovable as other children--and it doesn't matter how much the other parent tries to make up for it.
It took me until I was 50 before I trusted myself to a serious relationship and look what I ended up with That is why I get worried when I see the parents wanting to make their battle that of the kids. The kids don't need to know what daddy did to mommy. The kids just need to be loved.
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I wonder how my parents would react if my h. came back.
They loved him as a son, my father worked alongside him in the same office for a year after BD and I know that it was very difficult for my father, I guess it was for my h. too.
They support my stand and pray with me, however they are concerned about what I have been left with - overheavy living expenses, rebellious teenagers, pending legal issues with the property of the house, loneliness, my natural withdrawing... I know they feel my pain and frustration very keenly.
They refused to go to my d18's b'day party at a rented venue because they knew they would have to see him with his 'new' family and I am glad they didn't go - I can't imagine how we would have managed, it was bad enough for me alone.
I hope and pray that they will have the joy of welcoming him back, but they are not getting any younger (daddy is 78 and mummy is 74) and we know this thing takes a long, long time.
I am grateful for their unconditional love to me and I really hope my h. has the privilege of reconciling with them too. They are both very gracious people, but I know that they hurt for me...
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My M & SD thought the world of H, they thought he was good for me. They were proud of everything that he achieved in our community , he got on well with all my family . My M and MIL used to email and keep each other updated on our life.
All of them are devastated and can not understand this change in personality . My M and B initially started to say things like , he was not easy to talk to or I did not really know him . I explained that I know they were protecting me that they did know him before this crisis and that I would rather they did not run him down in front of me . My Step Dad was able to be a little bit more detached , it still hurt but he seems to understand that H is not himself and although it does not excuse what has happened it goes some way to explaining it .
I do not discuss H in front of family anymore because to just led to conflict .
My M and MIL still email, MIL apologised on H behalf not that it was her job to do that .
H has not once asked how any of my family are or have reacted
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Superdog I must apologize to you as my post was not directed at your specifically but just a rant to the universe brought on by a temporary financial stress meltdown. I know you are doing the best for your child and if you weren't concerned about how your mother was handling things then you wouldn't nave brought it up. I meant nothing personal toward you.
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Still kicking, no need to apologise for anything.
Believe me, I am devoid of taking anything personally these days. If I start doing that then I have taken 10 steps back the way. ;-)
Totally understand the need to rant, rant away its good for the soul.
We are all in the same boat honey and totally understand the stresses etc. Absoluely no offence taken whatsoever.
Main reason I started this is I have always doubted my mum's ability to cope with anything emotional and when I saw her reacting this way I just saw passive aggressive again and was keen to learn how others ave reacted. Maybe I did her a dis service.
Sd
X
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My mum and dad got on well with my ex. My dad died seventeen years ago (eighteen months after we got together) so he obviously doesn't know what happened. I know he would have been really angry though.
My mum was extremely fond of my ex and we saw her most days after her stroke, as we work across the road from her house. He then didn't see her from the day he told me about OW, till the day he took me to the hospital nearly two and a half years later after she had had a fall and broken her hip. Mum was very angry at the beginning but when I told her about MLC she seemed to understand and hoped he would come to see her. However, it was only the fact that he ended up giving me a lift to the hospital from work (I don't drive) that meant he got to see her. He has since said that he is very glad that he saw her before she died.
C
xx