Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: HurtSoul on April 15, 2013, 04:29:14 PM
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Was H needing to find himself and your needing to make changes to a better you around the same time?
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I was planning to start doing things I used to do that had fallen along the wayside but it was all getting put off to a job loss/financial crisis. But I was in the mode of planning a change for the "next phase." I was also noticing changes in him pre-bomb drop that were not very nice and was thinking some things would need to change there too.
Not sure how much of it on my part was a reaction to him or vice versa but it did seem to feed on itself.
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I always viewed myself as a work in progress. I was working on myself and taking time, in my own way, to do this alone. Perhaps H felt neglected? Certainly did not abandon him and gave no reason for him to abandon me or our son.
H's incessant complaining was a cry, I see now, for wanting change. His way was to cause destruction. My way was to become better for those around me. My family meant everything.
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I feel like I lit the fuse on the bomb but probably did this because he was slipping away. I told him that I realised that he 'didn't have my back' and that I felt like I deserved more. Silly little things bought me to that conclusion. Don't laugh but in Oct, I dropped a can of cleaning spray on my big toe and it stopped me walking for a week. The nail subsequently came off but I remember H being very unsympathetic when it happened. Since I have given birth to one of our children completely drug free, I feel I have some authority on what is painful!
He also kept saying to me that we would never own any more dogs after ours passed away. I love our dogs and they bring me so much joy. For him to disregard this hurt. He also has a friend that I despise who has insulted me on various occasions. We have butted heads and I told H that if he had to chose between the idiot friend and me, the idiot friend would win. Those 3 things hit me all at once and made me really stand up for myself - go figure!!
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I was hurt and angry at the same time. My children were hurt and angry.
They have a relationship with the father - it is very superficial and based on touch and goes. H is trying very hard to be upbeat on the phone - it sounds oh so fake. I can hear his voice through the phone lines when he is talking with the children in my presence. H has told each of the children that the OW is wonderful and they need to be nice to her. UGGGLLLYYY.
In the meantime, I am detached. I am a better MOTHER and now caring for them as MOTHER AND FATHER. He is their father but not their Dad. They may call him that but in reality it isn't true.
Therapy has really brought issues to the surface that I am working very hard on to much amazement on my end. I think there is noticeable improvement on my end. :)
So how long did that take... well, let see about one and half years after first BD or one year after second BD.
I realized I couldn't work on me until I stopped only focusing on how h's changes and decisions impacted me and the children. I believe h is working on his issues in his own therapy sessions also. Who really knows? Probably good that we both went into IC.
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I put 'other' because I have always been the type to soul search - I easily get accomodated but you can be sure that I am thinking about things under the surface - I make changes cautiously.
The constant thoughts about how I should be behaving/reacting/responding are always there.
So, when BD came around, I had plenty of ideas about what needed to change in myself and I made these changes pretty quickly, in fact, he had been the one standing in the way of my changes or at least that is what I thought, I now know different - I could have made the changes without him leaving ::) it just made it easier.
One of the things that h. used find 'funny' in me was my need to discuss things that needed changing in our lives, he never liked doing that - yet at BD he said I didn't make the changes needed despite all he had said about issues - he was specifically talking about my 'mismanagement' of finances, I believe.
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I messed this poll up. I am sorry.
Current results to this point in time are as follows and will need to be re-added to #'s
Yes 13
No 7
Other 1