Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: SpecialK on September 06, 2010, 06:49:28 AM
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I think I know the answer, but does MLC\depression cause low libido?
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Low labido can be caused by a number of factors. Low testosterone can cause depression and also low labido. Depression itself can cause low labido, as well as anxiety, stress, many other medical conditions. Low labido can also be caused by anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, as well as hypertension medications.
So, all those things that can be a part of the MLC package can certainly impact labido.
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Low libido and impotence can be one reason why the MLC man moves towards crisis. As he ages his libido may reduce anyway due to testosterone. As the man moves to counteract this and starts down the slippery slope of depression it becomes a self fullfilling prophecy. Also impotence has a role to play as well as he looks back to an age when his libido and ability to perform were never challenged.
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I have wondered about that because before the bomb drop my H was having Sexual Dysfunction, and he said he was not interested in sex, and that had never been a problem. Although I told him not to worry, it did not bother me, that I loved him, part of his bomb drop was I can't make you happy. He even said his doctor told him sexual dysfunction was a symptom of not loving me anymore. I know now that a doctor would never say that. Also, my H when I confronted him about 2 mo. ago, said the only affair he would be having is an EA....talking to others about what he is going through.....that we are too different to have a future, etc.
Although an EA is still an affair, I wonder if those with sexual dysfunction ever move beyond that with someone else.
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Faithled,
My husband began experiencing ED several years ago, at least that's what he thought. In reality, I thought he was great, but he CLAIMS it was because he hid his Viagra prescription from me. I don't know which came first here, the chicken or the egg, because when Viagra was first introduced, EVERY man got some of those little blue pills just to see if it would make them more virile (to put it nicely!).
Anyway, my husband did begin experiencing some ED, although it was more of a problem for him than me as I have experienced my own issues with aging... it ain't fun and I took it in stride. Again, which came first, the Depression or the ED?? Good question... and if you are a man whose very identity as a MAN is wrapped up in his ability to perform like a porn star, wouldn't an affair with a younger, new partner that proves you've "still got it" be tempting?
In my husband's case, he felt so down and depressed and OLD from, well, mid-life that the first affair-down that solicited him got his attention in a big way. He has admitted that "she told me that she was just extremely attracted to me". So, imagine that the "newness" of a partner adds a little lead to your pencil at first, how easy was it to get entangled in the trap of their own making?
I recently posted my Fantasy of the Day: Hide his Cialis prescription so OW can see what sex with a depressed, 46 year old man with ED is really like!!LOL!!
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I thought maybe my husband's libido was waning and that was why he was able to get through several weeks in a row of being monster to me without any intimacy. Then, he came out of the living room one evening (he had been sleeping on our sofa every night) and got into bed with me, out of the blue. Stupid me, I thought this meant something in the grand scheme of our relationship. But nope, he apparently just wanted sex. He did not tell me he loved me (and he always used to say it). This was before I found the site or knew anything at all about a midlife crisis. So when nothing in our relationship was different after that I had no idea what to make of him. I was thinking, "How can you be angry with a person, so much that you can't wait to get away from them, barely talking with them on a daily basis, yet you want sexual intimacy?" Now that I have learned the MLC info I've learned, it at least makes a little more sense to me (though still so CRAZY)!
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Glad to see this topic. My partner has had no interest in a physical relationship for years. Had his testosterone tested and it was non existent. I thought it might be contributing to his depression and lack of interest. His dr was unable to place him on testosterone because of his heart medicine. The last time I saw him when he seemed so content he mentioned that he was on new heart medicine, felt great and was able to be on testosterone. I have to admit I saw none of the deep depression.
I now he has been through incredible sadness and loss and that there were many issues growing up with his father, but is it possible that this new medicine and testosterone lifted his depression and he is no longer in MLC? He just seems so normal, like he really has just moved on. He is mostly a vanisher but the rare times I have seen him he just seems content with the ow and his new life. I see no confusion or crazy behavior. Could this have ended his MLC?
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My H started have problems about 1 to 1 1/2 years before BD. It got to the point he never wanted it and I would ask him why and he said he didn't feel like it. Sometimes I wonder if thats why he got involved with his Affair Down skankho, to see if he still had it or to see if he could. On BD he said to me, and the sex thing, it ain't there. Meaning he wasn't attracted to me. When I saw pictures of OW who is ALOT heavier than me and trailer trash I thought to myself, what the h***! I thought he was a sick man. I know things were hot and heavy for months between them which is probably why he thought I was the problem. I know I wasn't. He looked like h*** last fall on Saturdays when he was home. I even remember saying that to him. I blew it off as stress. Now I can only imagine, he and skank were up all night partying and well you know the rest. It makes me sick. Then since I told him I knew of his secret life in May, things seemed to have changed for him. Now he says it has nothing to do with the sex, she is a friend. :o I said, friends or roommates do not sleep in the same bed. I bet all his old issues with ED have come back because he has been with her a little over a year now so I'm sure the infatuation thing is gone.
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Yes, depression/MLC can cause low libido, so can most AD.
There was nothing wrong with my husband on that department when he left, but he was depressed. Now I've no ideia if it is affecting his libido or not.
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My H started losing interest in sex a couple years before BD. He was also exhibiting signs of overt depression at the time, and admitting to being depressed. There has been nothing sexual at all between us since a month before BD in 2010. Boo. I miss sex. :(
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Hi just me again, wondering if anyone could offer insight to my previous post on this thread. Just to review...my partner seemed to be in a deep depression prior to 1st bd. He had a checkup and his testosterone was very low. Could not do anything about it due to the heart medicine he was on. His doctor now has him on new heart medicine so he can take the testosterone. The last time I saw him ghe seemed so normal, content with the ow. Not the hyper, angry,or depressed man he had been for so long.
Is it possible the the testosterone lifted him out of MLC and depression? Or is MLC much more linked to past experiences. Would the testosterone have helped/would an antidepressent help someone in MLC? I rarely see him, seems to pretty much have vanished...maybe deeper in the tunnel? Or maybe coming out of the depression and just wanting to move on with ow. It is so confusing still to me.
Less and less contact, seems to be rebuilding our life with the ow? Thank you for any ideas/input.
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Ok lovey you may not like what I'm going to say and you need to read everything I type.
New medication that has made him feel manly again means he is feeling good. So he is thinking right now ow has helped him with this and he most probably is content.
That's hard to hear I know.
Here the thing chances are he is hiding his depression. He can have sex and ow is making himfeel ok and a man. So he is avoiding. It will come rou d and bite him though. I staved off full blown post natal depression till after my second child. I had been depressed before that though. Chances are he will swing down again, when who knows. But replay is all about trying to find happiness and they will will look happy because they think they have solved all their problems.... You and the way their life was. But it doesn't last.
You can't hide forever.
Dearheart looks I'll for ages then started looking good and now just llooks plain exhausted and things aren't making him happy again. Ds have said a few comments that he has made about ow. And that I heard at the beginning a d they disappeared totally only to sometimes reappear.
YOu don't know what goes on inside. So he may be happy, he may be faking. You don't know.
Hay is why you need to concentrate on you not him.
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Hi Shantilly. Thank you so much for your reply. I value your wisdom and your taking the time to share. I read what you said and it has helped me sort things out. You are right, if he is able to perform again sexually he is probably linking it to her rather than the new medicine. Not being able to perform he probably links to me rather than his heart problems and depression.
I guess I was just wondering if testosterone or an anti -depressants could remove the depression they have. If it did and MLC is. Linked to depression would taking these drugs be able to bring them out of MLC.
Your response helped me realize that even if the testosterone lifts his mood and does away with his ED that his underlying childhood issues and sadness over the loss in his life are still there even if hidden under his current infatuation and "fun". Is that correct?
I have been working to focus on me. I have had no contact since I posted this original questions. I guess I cycle because sometimes I miss him so much, sometimes when I think of all he has done I don't believe I would ever want him back.
I am more content in my house, comfortable I guess. I guess that is good.
Thanks for adding some clarity to my thinking.
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Hi all,
My H had his first problem with this just the other day. I'm concerned because we're only in our 30s now; I figured this might happen later on in our marriage. Anyway we were attempting to be intimate but for the first time it wasn't possible, and my H was angry. He stormed off to take a shower, stomping around and slamming doors, and I was like, uh-oh. What does this mean? He's no longer attracted to me like before? I don't want to read too much into it and I probably wouldn't without all this MLC chaos surrounding our lives, but as things are, I worry. After his shower he was in a better mood toward me, no longer angry. I hope this doesn't get him to thinking he's got to look elsewhere. I certainly didn't try to get him to talk about it, I just left it alone, and hopefully that was just some sort of anomaly. Our R doesn't need any other problem!
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That is the quandry isn't it Wed??
To talk about it or not.
I have decided I have to. Even with all the problems there are.
Next problem.
How?
Next problem.
When?
I only thing I know it has to be done with a whole lot of love and caring.
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Wed2Him4Ever - I wonder how much he is drinking? Alcohol and caffeine produces will seriously affect the prostate which will directly affect libido/performance. IT IS A BIG DEAL FOR US. Sorry, not meaning to yell but, it is. I went through testosterone testing and up to prostate biopsy not to find anything wrong. I decreased my weight and increased my "water" intake (no thanks to MLC wife, but maybe was a blessing in disguise) and this increased my libido/performance. If I gain back 5-7 lbs. by being relaxed, it affects me. If he is getting his intimacy elsewhere, depending on frequency, this will affect the "number of times" he can perform. Not trying to sugar coat it, just giving my experience. And yes, medications dramatically affect the response of the male. I quit my prostate meds and was able to be better for awhile.
brokenhearted - is there a family history of low T or prostate/colon cancer? Has he seen a urologist regarding this? As mentioned above, the prostate can dramatically affect your H. There are several "cheap" meds that the urologist can put him on to relieve an enlarged prostate and assist otherwise. There is no shame in getting male enhancement drugs...I had to let my ego go on that one as I reached age 40. I also have a family history so I want to be here for my children as long as I can so as to thwart any dangers.
WP - sorry to hear about the loss of interest. Some H want to be wanted sexually. We want to be pursued also. Sometimes with a 2x4 (oh, sorry, that doesn't sound good, let me clarify) they need to be TOLD: "hey, come over here and get me now". We don't READ THE CLUES OR INNUENDOS WELL. If the innuendo is very subtle, you will be disappointed, guaranteed. We also don't like rejection as nobody does. After years in a marriage/relationship, I know that the chase for sex with my wife is not exciting. That is something I have to work on, rejection. After being told "no" in one way shape or form, I will not try again. Then the complaints arise and the why didn't I try harder. Because, I HEARD NO. We can be simple creatures most of the time.
NewBeginnings - wow, what a blow to the ego. Here is the thing after BD, there is some truth that comes out. After my wife threw BD, a few months later I told her that I wanted more and had always. She had no idea and that she always said that I could come to her nearly at any time if she didn't want to. Simple for her to tell me to say (and sorry for the truthfulness): "lay down and let me love you". Sorry. But it goes back to the rejection and wanting to woo my wife into ML instead of just the connection of sex.
faithled - a true doctor would never say that...I am calling BS on loss of love to be loss of libido.
BTW ladies, not to be smack dab honest...IF...your H is taking care of himself...ahem, no need to go further...without OW, alone, bathroom, etc...and it is fairly frequent...this will drop the desire to connect with the wife. Like I said, sorry to be so blunt, if you don't think your H is not taking care of himself on his own...manually (sorry)...then you have now been educated. Even though my W is in MLC...and is probably still communicating or whatever with pos dirtbag OM, or different pondscum OM, or in her crazy talk with maybe wanting to try OW...we were still having sex. Even after I found out and she told me the OM was gone (not buying it, behaviors are still there) we are still having sex. Albeit, it is less than I would like, but we still have that connection. When she is not there...well...I am faithful to my wife and don't stray...and she is in my headspace when I need to be manual. Not trying to be gross...just human and real.
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WP - sorry to hear about the loss of interest. Some H want to be wanted sexually. We want to be pursued also. Sometimes with a 2x4 (oh, sorry, that doesn't sound good, let me clarify) they need to be TOLD: "hey, come over here and get me now". We don't READ THE CLUES OR INNUENDOS WELL. If the innuendo is very subtle, you will be disappointed, guaranteed. We also don't like rejection as nobody does. After years in a marriage/relationship, I know that the chase for sex with my wife is not exciting. That is something I have to work on, rejection. After being told "no" in one way shape or form, I will not try again. Then the complaints arise and the why didn't I try harder. Because, I HEARD NO. We can be simple creatures most of the time.
Hey Moc, thanks for the response. Actually I was very direct with H. Once hints stopped working I definitely pursued sexually. He didn't respond well to that- said it should be the man who pursued. But he certainly wasn't initiating anything! So I was stuck in a no win situation when it came to sex unfortunately. :(
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moc ~ Well honestly, I have to say it wasn't a blow to my ego. I know it was not me. I take care of myself, and I am very attractive. I get hit on all the time.
My H is overweight and even more so now. He gained 20 lbs. with 5 months of leaving me or shall I say abandoning me! :o He has high blood pressure and also since leaving he was diagnosed with COPD and asthma. I believe he went into replay spring of 2010 as that is when his EA started and thats when he didn't feel like sex anymore. PH started I think in Sept. and thats when he really didn't want anything to do with me. :'( I did not find out about his EA or PA until April of this year. I do know medications can have alot to do with it but he was also depressed since 2006. I kept telling him to go to the Dr. for it but he wouldn't. He did have his Testosterone
checked and it was very low, borderline so the Dr. didn't do anything about it. I really think his problem was the depression which kept getting worse and worse and his medications. He even told me once last year he felt dead inside, numb. So I think he really wanted to have an affair......he needed some excitement in his life. I just can't believe the "Affair Down" he chose. :'( I just can't see him with a low life like that. But he is her Knight and Shining Armour and is happy so what can I say.
NB
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Wed2Him4Ever - I wonder how much he is drinking? Alcohol and caffeine produces will seriously affect the prostate which will directly affect libido/performance. IT IS A BIG DEAL FOR US. Sorry, not meaning to yell but, it is. I went through testosterone testing and up to prostate biopsy not to find anything wrong. I decreased my weight and increased my "water" intake (no thanks to MLC wife, but maybe was a blessing in disguise) and this increased my libido/performance. If I gain back 5-7 lbs. by being relaxed, it affects me. If he is getting his intimacy elsewhere, depending on frequency, this will affect the "number of times" he can perform. Not trying to sugar coat it, just giving my experience. And yes, medications dramatically affect the response of the male. I quit my prostate meds and was able to be better for awhile.
I appreciate the candor. I don't know how much my H is drinking, as he is doing it on the quiet for the most part. What I do know is he has begun dipping Skoal again, and drinks Red Bull every chance he gets. Diet is very poor. Last night in bed he looked at me and asked, "Do you think I'm good, like good-looking, handsome...?" I smiled and nodded my head enthusiastically. He said, "No you don't, you think I'm fat." :o I don't know why he would say that, and I can't remember when he last asked if I like his looks, if he has ever asked me that. It was a very strange exchange and I'm not sure what to make of all this.
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MOC- Thank you for your candor..
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I am starting to realize this is what they need a lot of. HONEST praise.
My exH is overweight also but it has never bothered me. I tell him I love his body. And make up funny stuff like I make him lay there in the morning and tell him I need to rub his butt so I can get my RDA ( Rub Dat Ass). He absolutly purrs at the attention I give him and this is what he needs. He's close to being insatiable for the affection and attention.
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longhaul - OMG, I almost peed my pants when you stated that about RDA. Is he still living with you? Are you both on the way to reconciliation? I need to read your blog, sorry I hadn't.
Wed2Him4Ever - hmm, sounds like he has more progesterone than testosterone if he is asking that and replying that you think he is fat...which I know you don't care. Sorry but that sounds typically what my wife would say (stereotypically female comment).
NewBeginnings - nearly in all cases they "affair down" as it boosts their own self-esteem. They don't think they can be with someone of your high caliber so they get to be the Knight in Shining Armor for some struggling down on their luck skank. In my case, it was a boy who didn't grow up out of high school (35yr old compared to wife who is 43yr old). It isn't about sex and my wife would tell you we have a really good sex life and I think she is honest about it.
WarriorPrincess - good girl! How come he don't like the outfit in your avatar? Maybe that would spark him? Sorry, just lightening the mood. If the subtle approach doesn't work, reach down and take aggressive measures. But we all know, like I said above and it is VERY HARD (sorry for the pun) to fathom that it isn't about sex. If it isn't, then why have sex then huh? MANIPULATION of each other. I have told my wife, if you think you are not getting it, reach down and teach me a lesson.
All of this MLC got us into a fight about lack of sex from her point of view and also from mine. Funny, you would think we would have figured that out. But I wanted more adventure and she wanted it to stay the same just more. By adventure I mean ONLY WITH HER but more exciting instead of the same-ol-same-ol. She is starting to come around to it. Which is odd because of the stories I heard about her and the OM and OW...yikes. Not my bag...I don't share!
Sorry, TMI probably for you all. But unfortunately and I hate it too...it is just sex right now for us and our spouses until after reconciliation or shortly into it. I hate it too, I hate to share but get tested often. I know I need to, I don't trust mine! She could never "take care of herself" with manual excitement (sorry, TMI) so I THOUGHT (bad I know) I was probably safe from OM. WRONG!
Good day all!
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But unfortunately and I hate it too...it is just sex right now for us and our spouses until after reconciliation or shortly into it.
This is a bit sad, isn't it?... ???
moc, If there is one thing I'm certain about MLC, and MLC affair, is that it is not about the sex. The sex is probably the last relevant thing. So, I figure it is what you were telling NB, they need an affair down to boost their low self-esteem. Funnily, we, the ones they don't want or care for, really are too good and out of their league.
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AnneJ - exactly right. It is extremely sad and I dont know about you, but I do take it personally as I know I shouldnt. But I dont share well, er at all. They see things in the affair down personae that we may have been once before when we first met our spouse. But they want that back, the hormonal driven ridiculousness that makes their crotch and heart flutter. Symptom, OK I will buy it but doesnt make it any easier. We are too good for them. How often do you hear of an MLCer that affairs up? It might feel like a relief that the OM/OW is a bowser (to quote momma bear) but if we let it, it is an insult. Something I try to deal with constantly.
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Can't take it personally, moc. Have not seem my husband in 3.5 years and the last time we ML was in early 2007. Given I was the one the one putting an end to the ML (was having enough of that thing of it being just sex and the situation was not doing me any good), I removed myself from being just sex. My husband did tried to get me into that again in early 2008, after OW1 was no more, but I was not up to such type of game. He wanted us to meet in a hotel room... ::) ::) ::) Think he thought I was OW1 (they use to meet in hotel rooms before BD)... ::) ::) ::) So, I'm the one with no LM with spouse, no spouse and, so far, no reconciliation. A true lonesome cowgirl! ;D ;D ;D
You're right, never heard of an MCLer having an affair up.
Don't think OW/OM is a bowser, just someone with poor judgement. Well, rather than thinking it is an insult to us, I see it as an insult to themselves. They were the ones who made such affair down poor choice.
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longhaul - OMG, I almost peed my pants when you stated that about RDA. Is he still living with you? Are you both on the way to reconciliation? I need to read your blog, sorry I hadn't.
He insisted I leave last year in july- had divorced me by early Sept.
Moved his skank in by November then moved her out by Dec.
Totally ended everything with her in January of this year.
I just officailly moved back in this last month in October; but I've been living here since the end of June.
And your post about your W not being able to "take care of herself" I also have the same problem so even though you might feel it's TMI I want you to know it helped me not feel like such a freak.
And AnneJ I'm glad you posted that about how long it's been for you since you've ML. I was starting to feel like a freak. I'm going on four years. I have only been divorced a little over a year but we stopped being intimate for quite a while before the BD.
So we still have not gotten that far. Relationship talk still makes him really nervous and I have a really hard time expressing myself because I don't want to scare him.