Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Writingmom on May 16, 2010, 02:43:34 PM
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In looking through many of the posts, I seem to be in the minority with an H that is actually following through with a D! It is difficult not to feel inferior. Am I so bad that he was determined right out of the gate and has not looked back? I know that he is in full MLC, but so many seem to waffle on divorce, move back home, etc... and that has never been an issue for me. Is anyone else in the process of divorce?
Bomb drop was a year ago. The divorce will be final in the next month or so. The thought of being here a year ago made me physically ill. He has maintained his love for OW but at times lashed out at me for no apparent reason and continually tries to find fault with me to level the playing ground. It's exhausting. I remember reading from RCR that some followed-through with divorce and hoped with all that I had that that would not be us. Turns out I was wrong. He wants OW so badly that he's willing to make it legal for me to be out of his life! :( Again, hard not to take it personally even though I have focused on self and God; the concept of divorce is sickening.
Also, it seems to minimize his guilt to think that I will be financially taken care of. He offers to buy things, money has still come in as usual. He has had some extreme purchases, but otherwise not spent our every dime. Feels like I'm a problem that he wants to pay to leave, and yet he is the one that has caused so much pain! I wonder when he will ever see what he's done.
He continually paints a picture of happiness with OW and reminds me how much our daughter likes her, etc.. Moving on is one thing, moving on while he already has a happy family to go to is difficult.
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Divorce is only a piece of paper. It is necessary to detach and let go. In your case I would try to be NC as much as possible. Your H thinks he will find happiness once he is divorced. This is not likely! The happiness that he appears to have is a "masked depression". Once you are D the OW will be the one that is at fault rather than you.
Let go of your H and work on yourself.
You need to control the only person that you can. YOU!
I know it is hard but you can do this.
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Thank you. I really have been focused on self-improvement and do not engage in his drama at all. I guess with the divorce drawing near and his "happy phase" kicking in to high gear, I have back-pedaled somewhat. Never dreamed I'd be here but trusting that I will be okay. I know that we're not supposed to guess which phase they're in or how long it will take for rock bottom, but man, I'm ready for some grief to shift his way! ;-) Thanks again.
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WM
I posted a link in the resource above on a book I read and a website for it. Try using that link.
Also RCR has a link for detachment at the livestrong website. Have you read that?
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No I have not read it but will check it out. Thank you!
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Writingmom-
Old Pilot is right! It is only a piece of paper! I am in the same situation you. My MLCer has filed for divorce. I was devastated at first but am detaching and standing. They say that a spouse with a lot of guilt will file immediately...I have never gotten an answer on if that having guilt is a good thing or a bad thing but I guess it doesn't matter!
They seem happy on the outside.
My lawyer says to take advantage of the guilt! Of course, we know as standers, we don't want to totally alienate them but make sure that you are taken care of if this divorce does go through.
Work on yourself, try not to think about your husband!
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WritingMom,
I have met many people virtual and IRL who had to go through the divorce process to find out that it wasn't really the spouse or the marriage that was causing their unhappiness. Once he is "free", he will likely find that a life with OW isn't all that "free". Until he is willing to look inside for his answers, he may just keep running from one thing to the next.
Try to step away and focus on yourself.
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WritingMom,
I have met many people virtual and IRL who had to go through the divorce process to find out that it wasn't really the spouse or the marriage that was causing their unhappiness. Once he is "free", he will likely find that a life with OW isn't all that "free". Until he is willing to look inside for his answers, he may just keep running from one thing to the next.
Try to step away and focus on yourself.
Great advice Still!
CW glad to see you here!
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Great advice. I have been following it, but gotten off track! They paint such a convincing picture of happiness. And dragging my daughter in to it this weekend (he took her to the baby shower!?) has made it difficult not to panic. Thanks again.
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Writingmom,
You are so much stronger than you even know! You are able to logically discuss your situation and you are seeking answers.
Even though some of our spouses have not filed for D, it doesn't mean they are any more committed to the marriage. I really think it is a journey.....for them and for us.
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Confused wife,
I am new to this site so don't know what it means to "add a buddy", but in looking at your profile, we have more in common. Would love to hear more about your situation! This site is so helpful. I keep saying that, but what a relief to find others in the same boat!
I agree that guilt is a huge part of his process and I do plan to take advantage of it! It is so sad that he thinks a divorce will alleviate the guilt. Not so. The OW lives in another state, hours away, and they plan to commute back and forth, a new baby in the mix and make it work, PLUS they both like to be on the go and have fun, fun, FUN! Wondering how this is going to work out, but I know, can't focus on him!
Chat anytime!
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I will try and get my situation posted tonight! I think that it is great that we can chat on this site!
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I have met many people virtual and IRL who had to go through the divorce process to find out that it wasn't really the spouse or the marriage that was causing their unhappiness. Once he is "free", he will likely find that a life with OW isn't all that "free". Until he is willing to look inside for his answers, he may just keep running from one thing to the next.
Try to step away and focus on yourself.
As long as he engages in these "running" behaviors, he will never look within to face his own issues.
Nothing you can do about that...like Still said, focus on you, and improve yourself....it's all you can do at this point; this could go either way...and nothing is ever easy.
Take care.
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Great advice. I have been following it, but gotten off track! They paint such a convincing picture of happiness.
I'm here with my H... he's just "totally happy" and moving on up, ya know?
It stinks. Don't believe what you hear.
AND HI CW! glad to see you here too. The whole gang is coming on over. YAY. When's the party start?
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I divorced my H in 1992 and remarried in in 1994.It is only a piece of paaper.Now the shoe is on the other foot, I am not being put off if he pushes for divorce.I know H views on it but the OW doesnt. They always put on a picture of happiness but what other choice does he have when he is living in a fog so thick he cant see himself.Dont lose Hope.God has a funny way of working sometimes!
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My h also filed for D right out of the gate. We separated in Dec 09. He moved in with OW in Jan 10 and filed for D in Jan 10. I hired a atty after i was served D papers because I would not sign the papers his atty drew up. He wanted it over in Jan. It made him mad I got atty , He didnt get his way. He has been NC with me ever since. We go to court in Aug. In our state if it uncontested after we both sign the D is finall in 30 days. Well that didn't happen. I pray the Lord will change his heart before our court date. I do not want a D , I love my H so it,s in the Lords hands.
I,m so sorry about your sitch. I dont have much input as Ive had NC with H in 5 months and am at a loss myself. But everyone on this board gives great advice. I learn alot reading others sitches and replys.
hugs
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I found out about my wifes OM Christmas Eve. She told me she wanted to move out and did and filed for divorce immediately. We have 3 young kids 5,8 and 12. Her MLC is classic. Approaching 40, started going to the bars with young coworkers. Coming home early morn or not at all. Lying and being secretive about everything. The divorce was final a few weeks ago. I still struggle to totally detach from her. I still hope and pray she will "wake up" and return to the women I knew. She blames me for her leaving and had to demonize me to carry out her new life of selfish freedom. Now that we are divorced I do not want to see or talk to her and only text her about the kids. She got what she wanted. Her total rejection of me was and is very difficult to accept. We were married 14 years and she can just screw around, move out and move on?? Three young kids and she won't even go to a marriage counselor?? Am I missing something? Oh right it's all my fault. I must be the devil? I have no choice but to pick myself up and move on. You bet I hope she will still come back so we can be a family again. But I won't hold my breath. She has no idea what was left in the wake of her devastation. She had been detaching from me for some time and had OM to distract her from dealing with reality. She has yet to deal with reality. Such a waste of 14 years and so unfair to our kids. I prayed alot and cried alot. Now I just pray alot. God helped me thru this. My question is why did my life take this unfortunate painful turn?
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Perfusin,
I am sorry to hear about your divorce. In a strange way I hope that it will bring closure, although you are right, with kids involved we are still left with a lot of pain and unanswered questions. The thing that I keep going back to is that this is not "him". His behavior is TOTALLY out of character and against his own belief system. He looks dead. He looks awful on the outside, is very defensive and angry to anyone that doesn't jump on board his happy train. It is sad, but if this is what he projects outwardly, I can't imagine what is going on internally.
I'm sure that it's the same with your wife. There is confusion and guilt and despair and it is all bottled up and manifesting itself with destructive behavior. It isn't fair to the LBS's! It's incredibly painful and devastating and confusing! The pain that I feel for my kids is mulitiplied by a million compared to the pain from the loss of the marriage.
If you have faith, as it sounds like you do, God will redeem your pain. I believe that. Oddly enough, He has spent the last year revealing my own weaknesses and flaws and I have used this time to open my eyes to the ways that I need to change. (I have a devotional book called Streams in the Desert. I highly recommend it. Quick, daily, applicable readings.) OTher things that I have read, unrelated to MLC, say that in painful times, we are actually doing ourselves a favor by allowing ourselves to feel the pain; that in experiencing it to the fullest, although unpleasant, we are actually helping the healing process along. I believe that!
Again, I share in your frustration. The ONE goal that I had in life was to never go through a divorce! And now he is having a BABY with OW!? WHAT has happened? It's been a rollercoaster ride, and it aint over. :( But I know that with God's help, the prayers and support of others, I will survive. Right now I still feel like it's all I can do to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. That's the blessing of children--we have no choice! We have to be stable and "together" for them as much as possible.
Even though we are discouraged from looking ahead and guessing what stage they are in, it does help me to remember that their infidelity is based on pure fantasy! It's a charade. It's a bubble, and it WILL burst. When or how, I don't know, but as it says in Proverbs 5, we can't scoop hot coals on to our laps and not get burned! I believe that there will be consequences and realization. It just doesn't always happen in our time. Take care and vent anytime!
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Good evening. My bomb drop was May 09 she filed in Nov 09 served me New Years Eve09 after trying to come home 3 different times. We haven't spoke since Feb 10 and went to court in May it was postponed till July 19 then yesterday my attorney emailed me it has been changed to Aug 5th, I've heard she's going bankrupt I'm not sure but I'm tryin to move on I have met a nice 52 year old gal that is really nice to me and I'm thinkin I need to let go and just move on. The rewritten history has been really hard on me thank God my kids are all adults even tho its still been hard on them. She is finally communicating with them and our grandkids thank God.
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My ex-wife has also gone totally out of her belief system as well with the divorce. Knowing this and trying to gain an understanding of MLC has helped me emotionally. I've read books and articles that talk about the strong and strange emotions that come with MLC. I read a comment from someone who had experienced MLC that said she couldn't believe how strong the emotions were. The feeling of complete "emptiness" is something else I have read a few times.
Many MLCers, including my wife, have said things like they were "numb" to God, or they couldn't "feel" God, or they didn't "trust" God.
I understand how hard this is on the LBS. I am one. I also believe in who my ex-wife is at her core. Right now, though, her emotions are all over the place. Time. Patience. Faith.
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Sometimes I wonder if the hurried filing in the beginning is pressure from OW/OM or if it is that they think will bring them relief like a drug. The D process is not quick (at least in my case) and I wonder if H got the relief from filing that he assumed that he would. I would guess that filing has led him to diminished guilt?
OW wants her D over quickly also, which makes me think that they are planning to get married. This is definitely not the typical affair that ends quickly or quietly. I can see that it is going to be a long, long, mess after reading back over more of RCR's commnets from the beginning.
Focusing on D, H or OW always gets me off track. At this point I don't see R, I see years of aloneness in my future. If God chooses to heal our marriage, it will be way down the line. Until then, I have to continue trying to appreciate what I have and where I am.
I too understand that H is not himself. This is not who he is, and yet he has made decisions that have taken a wrecking ball to my entire family. Cleaning up after his emotional bombs with three children has not been easy. If the D happens, it happens. If I've learned one thing in all of this, it's that I don't get a vote in the outcome. I am completely dependent on God. Not a bad place to be although my impatience and desire for companionship might say otherwise.
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Dear WM, You've given so much sensible advice on other threads, but ask for little yourself. Yet you must be going through so much!!!
My H has suggested D too, but sees it as "just a piece of paper" so not worth doing except to make things clearer to me. They are all going through a similar process; they demonise us, fantasize about OW, and fail to face the real problems inside.
It may take a long time for him to realise his inner problems; you need to face the possibility that it may not happen quickly enough for you, and you may not want to stand. He's still got the power to hurt you; can you give him that power?
You say you feel the need for companionship, but will it bring the peace and happiness you desire? Other people can distract us, keep us company, but they cannot make us happy, we have that responsibility for ourselves. I'm sure you know this, so sorry for being obvious.
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Thank you, Mermaid. It is not always obvious! It seems to depend on my mood.
D8 is especially clingy to me after she's been with H/OW. I completely accept the role that I need to fulfill during this season in my life. I don't dwell enough on companionship to actually seek it out. It is more of a long-term hope that I have. Even then, I understand that it may not happen.
I am content working on self. It is particularly difficult though when H/OW play house with my kids. My moods, D's neediness and our combined hormones make for a stressful day at times! But I know that with patience, beauty will some how arise from these ashes. What that looks like, I have no idea. One day at a time. Baby steps.
Thanks again, Mermaid.
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Sometimes I wonder if the hurried filing in the beginning is pressure from OW/OM or if it is that they think will bring them relief like a drug. The D process is not quick (at least in my case) and I wonder if H got the relief from filing that he assumed that he would. I would guess that filing has led him to diminished guilt?
Me too WM...I would like to think it was pressure from OW especially now that the initial filing is done, H hasn't moved forward with the D.
This is definitely not the typical affair that ends quickly or quietly. .
I will have to go back and read up on A's. Unfortunately, my H's OW is not married and free as a bird! You are right, OP's are like a drug...hopefully, someday, the "drug" doesn't give them that high anymore....
Focusing on D, H or OW always gets me off track. At this point I don't see R, I see years of aloneness in my future. If God chooses to heal our marriage, it will be way down the line. Until then, I have to continue trying to appreciate what I have and where I am.
You got em WM....gotta try and quit focusing on your H and OW!!! Easier said than done!
As for years of loneliness in your future...that is up to you!
Heal yourself first...YOU deserve it WM!!!! :)
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Writingmom
In regard to the quick divorce, I think the answers are yes and yes. My good friend's wife divorce him and was married to OM within the next year. Based on recent correspondence from her to my friend, it doesn't seem the "new life" she was looking for has provided her with what she thought it would.
In my case, there was no OM, but I agree with my counselor's view. He said that she most likely doesn't understand the emotional turmoil she is in, or why she feels like she does. From what I understand about depression piece of MLC, when it sets in the MLCer has all these memories.....but even the positive memories are tinted with negativity. When you add in the anxiety, doubt, fear, and other strong emotions, you get the tornado that is MLC.
As LBS, it can be and is lonely. I just try to keep in mind that as lonely as I am, my ex-wife is probably in one of the darkest and loneliest times in her life.
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I see no reason to think that H will not remarry. He has thrown everything in the MLC book of nightmares at me, including having a baby with OW. Marriage would not shock me that much as he seems to be the extremist of the extremes.
This is a solo journey for the LBS. D or not, you are all correct in that it is what we make it.
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WM I just wanted to throw in that I am so sorry you find yourself here. This is so hard, and you are right, it will be a very long journey. I worry about you. Will you be able to sustain yourself during this journey? You talk about being alone. What are your plans for this future you are now building? How do you see yourself moving forward and how will you take care of yourself so that you are healthy and happy?
You have such a good handle on this and you do give such good advice. I don't mean to suggest that I worry you won't be OK, just that your H has really thrown the book at you and it's just so hard to watch. You are obviously strong and intelligent and will get through this well.
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Marked, going to post on my thread but thank you. Love your words of wisdom and encouragement.
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WOW I sent her a birthday card last wed her Bday was july24 she texted me wanting to talk after 5 months of NC I agreed to a cup of coffee at Paneras she just cried and begged me to let her come home I said NO then she tells me she told her attorney Stop divorce I'm staying very guarded with very little communication. I only answer her after she contacts me with very short answers cordial but guarded.
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What is your reasoning for saying no?
I'm thinking specifically of RCR's situation where her H had multiple returns.
Just wondering.
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Free,
I'm not familiar with your story so I too wonder what was meant by your conversation. Given your username, it sounds like you are done! Are you going to proceed with D even if she does not?
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WM - OP posted Free's story a while ago. Look for a thread titled, Free At Last, This Is Your Story.
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Good Morning WM she has stopped the D asked me if I want to stay married to her and is begging to come home. I have told her she needs to feel good about her before we can work on us. She agrees, she said yesterday she goes to counselor weekly. Yes I believe I'd love to live the rest of my days happily married to her. We have been married for 35 years and I don't think I'd wanna go through all the training again. Lol. I told her we will move slow but my goal would be to reconcile.
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Free, that is awesome! You are wise to take it slow. Please keep us posted on your progress.
Xoxox