Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: StillStanding on June 07, 2013, 08:35:40 AM
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Sometimes I find useful, inspirational, or motivational things that I want to share with the community.
The first thread can be found here:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=310
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I came across this comment online and it was definitely food for thought. Emphasis in bold is mine.
http://www.reddit.com/r/secularbuddhism/comments/1fefyv/dealing_with_the_faithful_without_getting_angry/ca9jp84
As a therapist, I can tell you that when most people share something with you, what they really want is to be listened to. It's almost the entire reason my profession exists in the first place. Humans tend to be poor listeners overall. We're always far too busy in our own heads to really take the time to understand someone else's world view and yet one of the things we so crave is simply to be heard and understood by another.
[...]
The problem is that so frequently in conversation, we're so concerned with being listened to or understood ourselves, that we neither listen to nor understand, the person we are having a conversation with (and they notice this).
As Joseph Goldstein points out "your thoughts about your mother, are not your mother". Neither are your thoughts about your significant other, your significant other. Regardless of how confident you are that you know your significant other, the reality is, you cannot know the internal workings of another. Ever. Under any circumstances. The closest you can come to knowing another is done by listening and seeking to understand. As long as you continue to insist that others know you, you cannot get even the smallest of glimpses into the world of another.
When you challenge what someone says who is sharing something with you, what you are often subtly communicating in the exchange, is that you are smarter, better, or that your point of view is somehow more important than theirs is. It also communicates to the other person that you haven't really understood them. When someone shares something with you, even if that something is a problem they are experiencing, they're generally not looking for solutions (or your opinion). What they generally want is simply to be understood, and it's both a rare and kind individual that can accomplish this.
When you seek to understand the worldview of another (regardless of whether or not you agree with it), without inserting your own worldview, it communicates that the way they see the world is important to you. It also communicates that they as a person are important to you. When you listen well and thoroughly to others, without demanding that they understand you, on the occasions you choose to share your perspective, because the other person feels well understood by you, they are more likely to take what you have to say under consideration.
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Dear Stillstanding,
Thank you for posting this. I think I just had a light bulb moment reading it. Maybe this is what my ex husband meant when he said I did not listen to him.
Take care,
Searching
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Definitely needed this today. I will read it later when I get home from work.
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Unfortunately, the notion of marriage which prevails … at the present time … regards the institution as simply a convenient arrangement or formal contract … This disregard of the sanctity of marriage and contempt for its restrictions is one of the most alarming tendencies of the present age.
—John Harvey Kellogg, Ladies' guide in health and disease, 1883
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Another success story, though 6 months seems way too short for an MLC.
http://theweek.com/article/index/99512/the-last-word-he-said-he-was-leaving-she-ignored-him
Let’s say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s—gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros, when you were single and skinny—have for the most part come true.
Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.
Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”
But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say, “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.
Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.
Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else—a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.
“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”
His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.
He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.
So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”
Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.
Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”
You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “the End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.
My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.
But I wasn’t buying it.
I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”
“Huh?” he said.
“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”
Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”
“Huh?”
“How can we have a responsible distance?”
“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”
My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.
Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation,” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?
I looked through the list and passed it on to him.
His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”
I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.
“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”
“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need ... ”
“Stop saying that!”
Well, he didn’t move out.
Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual 6 o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July—the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks—to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”
But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time, as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.
My trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”
I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.
I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.
I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.
Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.
I had good days and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say, “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.
Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying, or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not—it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.
And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.
But I didn’t.
I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.
And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.
It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”
He was back.
And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.
When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: It’s not a spouse, or land, or a job, or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.
My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out and think they can escape.
My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.
But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.
This essay originally appeared in The New York Times.
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Wonderful story! So happy you posted it now. I need that right now while thinking about taking my H back, and wondering how I should act when he
comes back. Had an AH ha moment. Thanks StillStanding :D
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What should you do while your MLCer is Monstering, going through Replay, or cavorting with OPs? How about something like...
A man decides that he is going to learn to paint and draw, so he draws and paints every day for over 9 YEARS and posts everything so you can see his skill develop as time goes on.
http://www.conceptart.org/forums/showthread.php?t=870
First picture:
(http://www.conceptart.org/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=2080325&stc=1)
Most recent picture:
(http://www.conceptart.org/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1474123&stc=1&d=1336144858)
EDIT: The link to the first picture broke so I fixed it.
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Thank you so much for sharing this! There's so much amazing work and GROWTH there - it makes that length of time seem very small, instead of large, when you see what he has done with it.
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Why Romantic Comedies Are Secretly Bad for You
http://www.cracked.com/video_18533_why-romantic-comedies-are-secretly-bad-you.html
They actually make some good points about relationships. And now I have to rewatch The Lake House...
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It's so obvious; how did we miss it?!
(http://31.media.tumblr.com/ee2d127fb2dfad39da160874314c201f/tumblr_mq16dmdKic1s5836to1_1280.png)
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If you're a fan of Mr. Rogers, My Little Pony, or possibly both...
(http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2013/078/4/2/happy_birthday__mr__rogers_by_rustedrabbit-d5ymxeo.jpg)
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That pretty much says it. He was a treasure. I miss him.
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I've said this to a few people on here, so I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who gets this...
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/2013/12/qa-trusting-men/
Q: My girlfriend has a very hard time trusting men. How can I help her to know she can trust me?
Gary Chapman: [Emphasis mine] You cannot convince her to trust you, but you can be trustworthy. If she can tell you how people have failed her in the past and brought her to a place of distrust, you can focus on those areas in particular. You can say things like, “My cell phone is always open to you. My emails are also open if you’d like to check my computer. If you would like to call and check to see if I was where I said I was that is fine.” As she sees that you are trustworthy, she will come to trust you.
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I don't understand the relevance of the Chapman quote. We're not the untrustworthy ones...
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That's not always true; some MLCers do have legitimate trust issues that have nothing to do with their MLC. And the issue of trust is one that both spouses have to deal with when it comes to reconciliation.
In the post-BD panic, LBSes may push too hard in order to learn about the actions of their MLCers. Also, there are a couple of people here who have had affairs of their own.
There's been more than person here who has asked, "How do I get my MLCer to trust me again?" And my answer is the same as Chapman's: you can't make them trust you, you can only strive to be trustworthy and allow time to heal those wounds.
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Well put. Thanks
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Some couples believe that the end of the in-love experience means they only have two options: resign themselves to a life of misery with their spouse, or jump ship and try again. This is not the case. Self-giving love brings new life.
https://www.facebook.com/5LoveLanguages/posts/10152092736714627
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Life is too short for bitterness and resentment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aaYXu_qzg0
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What is self-giving love? ... To me it sounds like give love to ourselves but I guess it must be something else...
Regarding trust, I really don't see why would the LBS have to worry with regaining the MLCer trust. The other way round it makes sense.
And always have our mobile and email available to someone else does not fall into the beck and call and intrusion of privacy category?... Or does it not make the person, as in the girlfriend (and I'm assuming we are not taking about the girfriend of a former MLCer) needy and lacking in confindence? Would we really want to date such person?...
.
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Apparently, the MLCer doesn't trust the LBS's changes when they first return. They apparently return with some of the rewritten history firmly ensconced in their brains from what I can tell from others stories.
Perhaps we see the story as they betrayed us, while they see the story as we let them down and therefore they betrayed us. So they don't trust us to not let them down again. Those who have reconciled or read more about this may understand better. That's my sense from some things said here and there on this forum.
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My take, FWIW, is that they don't trust that we really can forgive; for example, they can wonder what we must be up to when we ask for any information, wondering if we're going to try to "get" them with it.
Don't know if that stems from them thinking that what they've done is so bad that it really can't be forgiven, from what "others" have told them, or what.
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This certainly gets tested during MLC, but I find myself agreeing with him.
(http://umamigirl.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Ira-Glass-on-Marriage.jpg)
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Regarding trust, I really don't see why would the LBS have to worry with regaining the MLCer trust. The other way round it makes sense.
As I said before, the MLCer can come back to the marriage with trust issues from their time in Replay; the alienators can turn out to be manipulative and deceitful. I think Reinventing is right, too; they don't know if we really forgive them, or if the renewed marriage that we promise will actually work out.
Also, not a lot of LBSes handle the Bomb Drop with grace, especially when it becomes clear the MLCer is cheating on them. Heck, there was a period of time on the Divorce Busting forums where people were flat-out encouraging LBSes to spy on their cheating spouses!
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Thnaks for the explanation StillStanding.
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SS, loved the commitment piece.
Yes, I hadn't though of the deceit and manipulation of the OW affecting the trust issues of the MLCer. That makes sense.
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How To Be Alone (https://www.youtube.com/embed/k7X7sZzSXYs) by Tanya Davis, on YouTube.
If you are at first lonely, be patient.
If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.
We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.
There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.
Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.
The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by chow-downers, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and Silverware. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo dessert and cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back, like a book of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might have never happened had you not been there by yourself.
Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after a while nobody is dating them.
But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.
You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.
But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.
Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.
It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.
Take silence and respect it.
If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.
You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.
If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.
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I was watching Game of Thrones when I heard a line that sums up what we Standers face:
“A craven can be as brave as any man, when there is nothing to fear. And we all do our duty, when there is no cost to it. How easy it seems then, to walk the path of honor. Yet soon or late in every man’s life comes a day when it is not easy, a day when he must choose.” —Maester Aemon
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http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
Are you depressed?
If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.
- you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
- you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
- you feel hopeless and helpless
- you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
- you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
- you are much more irritable, short-tempered, or aggressive than usual
- you’re consuming more alcohol than normal or engaging in other reckless behavior
- you have thoughts that life is not worth living (seek help immediately if this is the case)
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http://adultingblog.com/post/80590733488
If you need someone — how they make you feel, what they do for you, how they keep you whole — then you don’t actually love them, you just love the role they play in your life. The further you can push away from that need, the closer you’ll get to loving the human.
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Attaching. Love that last quote.
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http://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/61998776279
This is a pretty good metaphor for depression, too.
(http://38.media.tumblr.com/029e4fa513d86b769371126390941b53/tumblr_mtjqd6VUGM1rr4zq1o1_500.jpg)
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https://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/status/479725319155232768
When you aren't making progress in your relationship, don't worry. Sometimes the best thing you can do is NOT make things worse.
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(https://purplerays.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/10313603_10152243343629425_928588209616105567_n.png)
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Wow Stillstanding,I love that about detachment. I am beginning to feel like that, like a free spirit again. ;D
Love & Light
Venus x
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Love it! What a great truth!
Hugs Stayed
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https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/healing-infidelity-alone
[...] Going solo in recovery from infidelity happens all too often, but the difficulties of that journey aren’t just caused by one’s mate choosing not to cooperate, often what is just as painful is the lack of support from others who they thought would be there for them. “Did I miss something? Am I to blame? Did I do something wrong?” are often thoughts running through people’s minds. The resulting lack of support makes going it alone in healing from infidelity even more challenging. How does one cope and move forward into health when no one seems to be supportive and is it even possible to create change if you’re the only one doing the work?
Infidelity can polarize people like no other life event. Everyone seems to have predetermined opinions as to how he or she would respond and how others should respond when they discover infidelity in marriage. Those predetermined opinions can create difficult circumstances if your decisions don’t match their preconceived notions. The ensuing disappointment can leave either the injured or the unfaithful spouses on their own when it comes to working on the relationship and healing from infidelity. Tragically those caught in this dilemma find recovery even more challenging due to isolation and the disapproval from their former support system.
Going solo also occurs when either the hurt or unfaithful spouse is unwilling to get help or address the problems created by the infidelity. If someone’s best choices have brought them to a place they never intended to be, why would they think that continuing with the same beliefs and behaviors will now somehow get them out of there? Regardless of the reasons, it’s not uncommon for one spouse in the marriage to refuse help, leaving the other mate alone in their attempts to save the marriage. In that circumstance can one person really make a difference?
The answer is an emphatic yes! In fact in most cases, it’s changes made by just one of the partners that brings about marital change. Marriages don’t change bilaterally they change unilaterally. It takes both husband and wife covertly colluding to continue the same relational patterns to keep the marriage the same. If only one person changes the relational dance the other partner has no choice but to adapt in response to that change. For example, if one partner withdraws and stops engaging their mate they effectively change the dance of the marriage. If one party chooses to adopt healthier response patterns or to eliminate destructive response patterns the marital dance has to change. The person going solo in recovery from infidelity isn’t powerless; rather they’re the only one willing to make a difference.
Going it alone isn’t about trying to control or manipulate one’s mate into change; rather it’s about taking responsibility for their own behavior and choosing to alter their own response patterns to ones which promote health. Attempts at changing one’s mate have little if any effectiveness in improving marriage. However, the person going it alone can certainly explore how to grow into the person they want to be and how to alter their responses to promote health regardless of their mate’s behavior. It’s those positive changes made by the person who is working on their personal recovery that challenge their mate’s perspective and begin to create new hope that things could be different. Without the proof of change why would the disengaged party have hope?
At the very least, those who choose health and choose to address their personal issues grow as a result of what’s happened. My mate is never my problem, but my mate always reveals the problem in me. If at the very least the person going it alone will use the crisis of the infidelity as a catalyst for change, then personal transformation will occur and they will develop a deeper capacity for love and compassion.
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https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/proper-use-of-boundaries-in-marriage
There's more in the article, including an example of how to set and enforce boundaries.
If someone steps on my foot I’ll probably say “ouch”. If they do it time after time I will eventually tell them to stop because they’re hurting me. The process of telling them to stop is where a boundary is set. I’m telling them their actions are hurting me and they need to stop stepping on my foot. I may even tell them what I’m going to do to avoid being stepped on, if they don't stop.
At that point I’ve set the “don’t step on my foot boundary." Notice, my actions aren’t aimed at changing them, but rather in protecting my foot, as well as our relationship. The other person will ultimately have to decide whether or not they’re going to alter their behavior, but at least I’ve warned them and I know what I’m going to do in order to protect myself.
Relationships are no different. At times our mate “steps on our foot” and hurts us. We have several ways we can respond:
1. We can ignore it and just hope it doesn’t happen again. (this may be okay if it's a first offense, but if there's a repetitive pattern more may need to be done before you grow resentful or worse, empower their behavior).
2. We can say “ouch” and hope our mate notices our pain and makes efforts not to do it again.
3. We can withdraw and make sure they don’t ever have an opportunity to step on us again.
4. We can stomp on their foot so they’ll know what it feels like and will be more careful next time.
5. We can be assertive and set a boundary, letting them know that stepping on our foot is not OK.
6. After setting the boundary we could also let them know what we’re going to do to protect ourselves from being stepped on.
Infidelity is certainly a more extreme pain than getting one’s foot stepped on, but the potential response patterns are the same. Some are helpful and others aren’t. The goal for boundaries is self-protection and relationship regulation. Within a relationship, the absence of a feedback mechanism to inform our mate of our wounds limits our ability as a couple to accommodate one another. Healthy couples communicate what they appreciate about their mate, what their mate is doing that’s wounding them and they take responsibility for their hurtful actions by making amends for having wounded them. Without these three forms of communication it’s difficult to know if we really matter to our mate. Do they really care? Are they going to be there when we cry out for them?
Boundaries help define the expectations of our relationship. There are boundaries that define our space as a couple. These boundaries help protect our relationship. They define monogamy for our marriage and our rules of engagement. If others cross these boundaries we feel they are interfering with our lives. If one of the partners crosses that boundary, they betray the agreement they have with their mate.
We often mistakenly believe the purpose of boundaries is behavior modification, but this is not true. Boundaries are for self-protection and the protection of the relationship as a whole. Hopefully, when the boundaries are bumped, out of respect, concern and heartfelt empathy for us, the person violating the boundary will make amends and make it a point to honor our boundaries. If they refuse to honor our boundaries, we’ll need to do what is necessary to enforce them.
While boundaries are essential for defining how we’re to live and interact with one another, they are ineffective when it comes to changing our mate. All too often I see the wounded mate establishing consequences to their boundaries in hopes that their mate’s fear of the consequence will get them to stop the destructive behaviors or patterns. While that fear may serve as a short term deterrent, it won’t work as a long term solution.
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EDIT: Whatever picture I had linked to is gone now.
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https://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/status/498872449060974593
Are people telling you to quit fighting for your marriage? Never take advice from someone who doesn't have to live with its consequences
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Reposting this, in light of recent news.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
Are you depressed?
If you identify with several of the following signs and symptoms, and they just won’t go away, you may be suffering from clinical depression.
- you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
- you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
- you feel hopeless and helpless
- you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
- you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
- you are much more irritable, short-tempered, or aggressive than usual
- you’re consuming more alcohol than normal or engaging in other reckless behavior
- you have thoughts that life is not worth living (seek help immediately if this is the case)
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Someone created a web-based game about living with depression.
The goal of Depression Quest is to navigate normal life scenarios but, as depression sets in, certain options for handling things are removed. This is to mirror the effect that depression has on your thinking.
http://www.depressionquest.com/
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A charming essay about rediscovering (or even just discovering) the one person you can and should love unconditionally: yourself.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2014/10/how-to-love-yourself-the-way-youd-love-somebody-else/
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Another excellent depiction of depression.
http://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=3617
(http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20150121.png)
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;D ;D ;D Oh yea!
Hugs Stayed
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"Anyone can love a thing because. That's as easy as putting a penny in your pocket.
But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect."
—Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear
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Some Mirror Work homework...
http://www.racked.com/2015/3/19/8244591/not-canceling-plans
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I came across this comment online and it was definitely food for thought. Emphasis in bold is mine.
http://www.reddit.com/r/secularbuddhism/comments/1fefyv/dealing_with_the_faithful_without_getting_angry/ca9jp84
As a therapist, I can tell you that when most people share something with you, what they really want is to be listened to. It's almost the entire reason my profession exists in the first place. Humans tend to be poor listeners overall. We're always far too busy in our own heads to really take the time to understand someone else's world view and yet one of the things we so crave is simply to be heard and understood by another.
[...]
The problem is that so frequently in conversation, we're so concerned with being listened to or understood ourselves, that we neither listen to nor understand, the person we are having a conversation with (and they notice this).
As Joseph Goldstein points out "your thoughts about your mother, are not your mother". Neither are your thoughts about your significant other, your significant other. Regardless of how confident you are that you know your significant other, the reality is, you cannot know the internal workings of another. Ever. Under any circumstances. The closest you can come to knowing another is done by listening and seeking to understand. As long as you continue to insist that others know you, you cannot get even the smallest of glimpses into the world of another.
When you challenge what someone says who is sharing something with you, what you are often subtly communicating in the exchange, is that you are smarter, better, or that your point of view is somehow more important than theirs is. It also communicates to the other person that you haven't really understood them. When someone shares something with you, even if that something is a problem they are experiencing, they're generally not looking for solutions (or your opinion). What they generally want is simply to be understood, and it's both a rare and kind individual that can accomplish this.
When you seek to understand the worldview of another (regardless of whether or not you agree with it), without inserting your own worldview, it communicates that the way they see the world is important to you. It also communicates that they as a person are important to you. When you listen well and thoroughly to others, without demanding that they understand you, on the occasions you choose to share your perspective, because the other person feels well understood by you, they are more likely to take what you have to say under consideration.
Dang. I've been listening wrong for as long as I can remember. Bookmarking.
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Ditto! Dang is right MsT! I'll never learn.... :-X
Hugs Stayed
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I experienced being a good listener accidentally the other day and it was an amazing experience.
As part of my lifecoaching course, I had to have a conversation with someone and listen for their preferred speech pattern i.e visual = I 'see' what you mean, auditory = I 'hear' what you are saying. Anyway, I decided to do this with someone who normally really irritates me. Usually when I talk to him I spend most of the conversation wondering how long it will take for him to leave my office and how many times I will have to repeat myself before he gets it.
Guess what happened when I stopped running my own arrogant agenda and really listened to what he said? He left earlier, he repeated back to me what I needed him to do (and he got this from previous conversations because I hadn't said it this time) and we connected. It was a really nice conversation. He shared a lot more than normal too. It was quite an eye-opener.
I also have 1 friend who is a trained listener. There are always pauses after I speak because she is waiting until I have finished speaking before she starts thinking of her answer. Over the phone, this is tricky because I question if she is still there. She always says "yeah, I'm here. I'm just thinking about what you said". That is luscious. We should all try to be better listeners. It is both an art and a gift to others.
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So after feeling down after yesterday's conversation with my wife, I was on the bus heading in to work today.
The woman who sat down next to me kept her phone in her pocket but when we got to our (mutual stop) and we both got up to go, I saw a sticker on her phone case that simply said:
"It Isn't About You."
If that's not a message from God, or the universe, what is? :)
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A metaphor for so many things that go wrong with marriages:
https://twitter.com/SwiftOnSecurity/status/627173467247390720
My dad had a little sailboat that he'd take my mom out on when they were dating. She loved it.
When they got engaged he sold it.
:(
I beleive Michele Weiner-Davis refers to "Doing what works" when it comes to restoring your marriage:
http://divorcebusting.com/a_why_change.htm
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http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407
How not to say the wrong thing
It works in all kinds of crises -- medical, legal, even existential. It's the 'Ring Theory' of kvetching. The first rule is comfort in, dump out.
[...]
Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie's aneurysm, that's Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie's aneurysm, that was Katie's husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. One of Susan's patients found it useful to tape it to her refrigerator.
Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring.
Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.
When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it. Don't, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don't need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, "I'm sorry" or "This must really be hard for you" or "Can I bring you a pot roast?" Don't say, "You should hear what happened to me" or "Here's what I would do if I were you." And don't say, "This is really bringing me down."
If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that's fine. It's a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.
Comfort IN, dump OUT.
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That's brilliant.
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Brilliant indeed.
But I think it does not work with a MLCer. Fair enough, we could say I'm sorry (that you feel that way), but even that becomes old and does nothing to help them.
"Can I bring you a pot roast?" would be a little too much, me thinks. ::)
Now, for the LBS all those and many more are valid.
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From http://wearethatfamily.com/2013/11/how-to-stay-married-in-america/
(http://wearethatfamily.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/divorce2-640x2670.jpg)
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Almost missed this thread. Attaching.
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I don't get super-emotional when I listen to music, but this song almost made me cry.
It's from the musical "Hamilton"; all you need to know at this point is, Alexander Hamilton's infidelity has been exposed; his wife kicked him out; and their son was killed in a duel.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrsmUzqweBI
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"Wings" by HAERTS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yk52XHSpmF4
I will never let you go
I know you want it, I know you want it.
Learning love means not to know.
I'll learn to take it, learn to take it love.
I will never leave your fears
I know you're lost now, know you're lost now.
Counting days won't buy us years
We'll start it over, start it over love
I'll never let the magic go, I'll float away into your afterglow
I'll never let you go, I'll melt away into your afterglow.
The sky will melt in tears
I'll float away into your afterglow
The sky will melt in tears
I'll melt away into your afterglow
People never smile to say goodbye.
Leaving means there's nothing left to try.
But I broke my wings for you.
I smiled as you untied our love for good.
The sky will melt in tears
I'll float away into your afterglow
The sky will melt in tears
I'll melt away into your afterglow
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This was in one of those chain emails that goes around. It was forwarded to me by my mother-in-law; if she only knew!
(http://acharmingaffair.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/A-perfect-marriage.jpg)
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This is one of the best things I've read in a while. And I think it's important for LBSes to remember.
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/7b/0f/8a/7b0f8a2e9be5ac2924187535902c71c0.jpg)
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The mind of an MLCer?
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CnzrmgdXgAEkPen.jpg)
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From one of Michele Weiner-Davis' emails:
Can My Spouse Really Change?
Greetings!
Up until 1960, researchers believed that changes in the brain could only occur during infancy and early childhood. It was generally assumed that by early adulthood, the brain structure was indelible.
We have since learned that these assumptions are simply incorrect; that we can change the structure and function of our brains throughout our lifetimes. Learning new skills and adapting to new situations is a lifelong ability. This is referred to as brain plasticity.
The elderly can often counteract detrimental effects of aging by intentionally keeping their brains active and learning new information. The idea is, "Use it or Lose it."
So, I wonder. If it is a fact that we can change the way we think throughout our lives, why are so many people who are unhappy in their marriages reticent to believe that their spouses can change?
After almost four decades as a therapist, I can tell naysayers with assurance that there is great reason to believe that the future can be much more than a miserable extension of the past- it can be bright; that regardless of how deeply entrenched problems might be- things can change.
The human spirit is boundless.
With intention, almost anything is possible.
I have been privileged to have a bird's eye view of my clients' lives when they have been in their darkest periods. I witness frequent hopelessness and pessimism.
But here's the truth.
Hitting rock bottom often leads people to make the most profound changes of all. Let's just say that it's time we recognized "relationship plasticity," the ability we all have to change over the course of our lives together.
Believe it.
Pass this on to someone who needs reminding.
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The end of an MLCer's search for truth...
(https://i.imgur.com/hYQrd4C.png)
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Still Standing, how are you uploading images? Is there a tutorial on HS?
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I'm not uploading them; the img tag allows you to put a link to an image graphic into a post.
The post above has a line that looks like this (with spaces inserted so you can see the tags):
[ img ]https://i.imgur.com/hYQrd4C.png[ /img ]
You can also click on the teeny Mona Lisa button on the left, just above the smilies; it'll insert the img tags so you can put the link between them.