Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: OldPilot on July 27, 2013, 01:22:57 PM
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To all,
The previous thread had grown to over 150 posts in RECORD time.
PLEASE NOTE
Please post on your own thread first and wait for responses, if no one responds then you should use the ask a mentor thread.
Please use this thread if you need immediate attention & if possible include a link to your story page. I.E. EMERGENCIES!
Discuss away!
previous threads:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3763.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3658.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3535.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2738.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2220.0
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Can someone pop over and give me some quick advice? I just provoked Monster and I'm shaking.......
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3769.0
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Question!
Could it ever happen that, when in a new relationship, our Mlcer would come to some insight? Or is it the escape they are looking for and self reflection just doesnt happen while infatuation is at play?
Answered on your thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3800.msg230359#msg230359
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I want to know what you you tell a 9 and 12 year old about being taken to the OW house or having "family" get togethers with OW when they know daddy is not divorced. And do you encourage them to speak up? My H does not think this is wrong, and as long as the kids are smiling with him, he does not see any repercussions. He has been enabled for 2 years by family and friends and now the kids are in a way doing the same. I am afraid they will one day have a MLC from holding this in now.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3753.0;all
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3791.0;all
As my mentor is quiet (possible reconnection going on) would a mentor please just check out my last post... I'm at my wits end - my H is now proving to have no conscience whatsoever and going dark hasn't always helped. He really is cake eating by staying at home but seeing OW every night and I have had enough!
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3769.0
Just vomited my soul on my thread. Can I get some feedback? Sorry to bother.....thanks!
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Does anyone know a way to speak to H. He refuses to pay this joint credit card that is due Friday. In mediation debt was split and this is the only thing for him to pay. He can ruin my credit with this (his credit already ruined). If I ask about it, he says don't talk to me unless it's about the kids. I know he doesn't have the money, because he paid his cards that were already a month behind. It is catching up on him, but he magically gets out of everything. It's like those people who claim bankrupsy over and over and yet buy bigger and bigger homes, nicer cars, etc. And you think how the hell does this work out for them.
It's been a stablished that I don't speak right to him so I don't know how to get it across that he has to pay it. Also to do his taxes.
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Do you have legal representation? Or can you contact the mediator? Honestly, I don't think there's anything you can do until he doesn't pay it, and from what you've said, that will probably happen. Are you going to be prepared to cover it if he doesn't? You can then seek reimbursement, as he will be in contempt of the agreement. Unfortunately, you can't force him to do the right thing, but you can prepare to take care of yourself if he doesn't. If the taxes won't affect you personally, leave it alone. He will have to make his own mistakes. If they do affect you, that is something you may have to take up legally. Unfortunately, MLCers just can't be counted on.
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DM, if you are looking to your H to protect your credit, it probably won't happen. He is looking out for only himself, and from what you said, he is just barely doing that, so why would he do anything to help you? If what you say is true, don't stress over trying to get money out of him - protect yourself anyway you can without his involvement. Contact the credit card company and work out a payment plan.
You can not depend on an MLCer to get anything done, even if there is a court order :'(
I'm sorry you're going through this :(
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I have a question..........or maybe just an issue to air. My exH just sent me an email in reference to our vacation property. He sent me an agreement from a real estate agent and he asked me to look at it and then let him know what I think about selling it. I am, to say the least, very upset and mad about this. He didn't consult me or even have the consideration to discuss it with me.......he just contacts this agent and sends me their agreement. Of course, he can't put it on the market without my signature and agreeing to it. I have decided to ignor it for the time being. I am just so upset and angry right now!! Any thoughts as to what I should do?
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Lmm
Can you buy him out?
I'm not saying that you offer to but you should know what your options are.
L
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LMM, MLCers are not great about consulting us about anything. Do you want to keep the property?
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I think you're doing exactly the right thing. It's monster monster monster! You expect him to fix things so he's having a tantrum and trying to bully you!
Even if looking at this as a 'normal' situation where two divorced people still own property together, and have a fairly amicable relationship in dealing with the responsibilities of it (you have been a peach to him, even when his family has used it and repairs have been ignored), it would seem ridiculous that one party wouldn't consult the other to see if they were even interested in selling before approaching a realtor! But knowing what we know about his state of mind, it's just one more thing to add to the MLC list.
Do what you want, and take all the time you need to figure that out.
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I would ignore it. If he come back about it again than tell him you do not want to sell it. Whatever he pulls before divorse you can never go back to. If he sells it, they give him the check, if he spends it oh well. Judges do not understand MLC. They will say you signed it.
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Thank you L, Trusting, Ready2T, and Disneyme.
First L, he once offered (nearly 4 years ago) to let me buy him out but it was a ridiculous amount and he'd never come close to that amount if we sell it. We will be lucky to even split a 1/4 of the amount he quoted for me as his buy out price. Regardless, I can't afford it (his price)..........nor would it be very smart financially for me. I paid all the payments & fees for 14 months alone/without his help.....but I would be putting myself in a financial bind if I were to try to take it all on my own......and it would be just plain stupid for me to even try.
Trusting, I'd very much love to keep the property......but it is only because of the sentimental attachment I have and it is also the only thing between my exH and I that we share.........which in my mind......is our only reason to continue communicating......at best.
Ready, I know you are right........"normal" situation would be that we discuss this issue without any problems or without him going behind my back. And, yes, he has ignored my efforts in communicating about repairs. Just last week I sent him an email with the power bill for the property and he replied thanking me but he also asked me what my thoughts were regarding the hot water heater issue. I simply replied that I was open for suggestions and that we have always been able to work together and resolve any issues. He ignored me and didn't respond back. My guess is that he was fishing..........wanting to see if I had already taken care of it.......perhaps his brother/SIL wanted to use it. IDK. So, I guess his "suggestion" is to put it on the market........way below what we purchased it for nearly 9 years ago.
Disneyme, I am not going to respond to him. I know he will leave it be for a few days or maybe even a week......but he will eventually come back at me and inquire as to why I ignored it. We are divorced but the vacation property is in each of our names individually........we were not married at the time of the purchase so he can't take the money....they would issue us separate checks. I am not concerned about that issue. He can't put it on the market without my permission.
I am just making myself sick over this.......why does it really matter? I know I could certainly use the money I am putting into this property. I feel like I would lose him completely but then again.....maybe this is the final rope that needs to be cut/dropped. I feel like he will win if I give in.....I feel like he will be greatly relieved to be finally done with me. It scares me. I'm not so sure I am really ready to take this last step. However, I know that no matter what.....my exH is going through MLC ..........and nothing matters until it is truly over. I just need to take some down time and give it a lot more thought. I feel like I am being stubborn, foolish and just plain bullheaded about it.
Thank you all for your comments/suggestions.
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QUESTION:
I think I know the answer to this question but I would like to get some input from others. I received a message via FB from OM late Tuesday night that read
"Dude, throw in the towel."
Then a little while later that night, I got a personal email from OM that read
"I would like to have a meeting with you. Maybe lunch. Nobody else, just you and me, to discuss the future. I am obviously not going anywhere, and I have a daughter, so we need to discuss logistics."
Needless to say, I have ignored both correspondences and would see no reason to EVER meet this OM. Recently, my W had a major breakthrough with my MIL about a very sensitive issue from W's past and there may be some major movement in the tunnel regarding W's MLC. This week, W is away with D at a sailing / camping excursion, away from all modern amenities and hopefully has some time to process things uninterrupted. Whether it is some sort of movement, positive or negative, is still to be seen.
But, from the messages above, I am correct is deducing that this OM is trying very desperately trying to hold on to his fantasy life with my W. Just interested in getting others views and comments on the correspondences from OM.
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WOW, Bailmor........this OM must have some big ones! Excuse me. I can't believe the nerve of him contacting you. I would ignore him as well. Do not give him the satisfaction.......strange that he wants to meet with you to discuss his future.........and what exactly does the fact he has a daughter got to do with you? I'm just floored at how these people behave. You owe him NOTHING! I'm still fuming from the email I received from my exH earlier today.......so, I would almost be tempted to tell your W what the OM did........just my thoughts. I'm sure others would disagree......and if I wasn't so upset with my own situation right now I might not even suggest you telling her.
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PRESS IGNORE BUTTON
Do not tell your wife about this unless you are reconciled.
There is no reason to stir the pot and it will not be received the way you are thinking.
I would not even acknowledge that you got a message from the OM.
It could have been sent to your SPAM folder!
Are you friends with the OM on FB?
De-friend him.
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LMM / OP,
Thanks for the incite. I was NOT planing on responding in any way, shape or form to this OM.. OP, I was planning on telling W about these correspondences, but I will take your advice and just file these in the folder I have. OM is NOT a friend on FB. I guess he was able to send a message through my W page. I truly feel this guy is trying to dictate the situation to his liking. I don't want any part of his future, even if it involves my current W! I believe this is an extremely sick individual and not stable mentally. I am keenly aware of the surroundings because I believe this OM could potentially cause harm. Thanks for the response.
Bailmor
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Good advice from OP! I don't think it would have made a difference in how you should handle it if he'd just sent the latter message, but how bizarre that he sent both - one that makes him look like he's taunting you, another trying to play "leader" as though he is going to dictate what you will do. Both clearly show you are a threat to him. You are wise to ignore. :)
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**New Question**
H said this to me shortly after BD 'I need one more time before I can settle down' referring to OW; it was during a conversation of what I believe was clarity. H now says that is not true and it sounds like he doesn't remember saying it at all :o
I am sure this is typical but is this what movement through the tunnel looks like? I can't really say that it is progress.
Thanks
PS BD was 8 months ago
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I am sure this is typical but is this what movement through the tunnel looks like? I can't really say that it is progress.
Yes, it is typical. Movement in MLC is not always forward so we have a hard time thinking of it as "progress." It is also very common that MLCers have terrible memories. He likely doesn't remember saying that. They also cycle a lot at the beginning so may change their minds a lot.
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Wow think it's odd him wanting to meet you. I did meet OW. That was because my H forces my kids to do everything with her, then posted a pic of the 2 of them on FB announcing their relationship I guess. I went nuts, said that's it, I want to meet her. Made me feel better that she isn't all that. Got to let her know I wasn't ok with any of this, that I do not want a divorce, he has hurt the kids and did walk out on us. Told her this is adultery. Now she can have that all in her head. She wants to continue it knowing all this, than that is on her.
I think he is threaten by something. What that is time will tell.
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I am sure this is typical but is this what movement through the tunnel looks like? I can't really say that it is progress.
Yes, it is typical. Movement in MLC is not always forward so we have a hard time thinking of it as "progress." It is also very common that MLCers have terrible memories. He likely doesn't remember saying that. They also cycle a lot at the beginning so may change their minds a lot.
Do you give what they say in times of clarity any weight? I truely believe what H said 'I need one more time before I can settle down'; I understand that it changes but if it is not said during a state of clarity do I disregard it?
At least this gives me more evidence that H is going through MLC and is not a completly selfish a**hole. I hate questioning it.
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At least this gives me more evidence that H is going through MLC and is not a completly selfish a**hole. I hate questioning it.
This should be the only purpose it serves. Believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do.
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Believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do.
In reading the articles and the forum, it seems that most of the MLCer's project onto their spouse that they are unhappy with them, they are the problem, etc; mine does not do this and it confuses the crap out of me. I am only 8 months since BD and realize that this can change. Does anyone have any insight as to why H is not saying that he is unhappy with me, etc.?
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Searching4Answers,
I am approaching 4 years into this stuff. At first my exH cried profusely in front of me and told me he was so unhappy and he felt like he needed to leave. We talked and we cried a lot......that was in Oct. 2009......he walked out the door in Dec. 2009 while I was out of town never to return.....he didn't blame me at first.......I can't tell you exactly when he started blaming me but my exH was like a bouncing rubber ball.........he cried, he withdrew, he shutdown, he spewed monster.....I never knew what to expect. He was just all over the place.....it was insane. Then later things started falling into a pattern and he stayed one way or the other for a little while. He did blame me and my children/family (from another marriage).......then he went back to telling me it was all him......I wasn't at fault. So, for the first year.........this is how it went for me. I felt like I was losing my mind. I don't know why my exH went from one extreme to the next in what seemed like warp speed but eventually things began to "settle" or turn into a normal MLC..........if there is such a thing. I hope this helps.
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Hi I have just put posts on today and wondered what anyone else would do. I do think it is h and possibly ow trying to get a response out of me because I have gone very dim with my contact. Can others have a look and give some advice, not sure what to do either say something or not. x
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Ok I'm being needy and need to go back to LBS 101 with Limitless!
We have a lot of sheriff's officers bring papers or use our facilities to meet and serve people with papers....why do I jump every time they come in and how can I stop?
Also H just texted and asked when myself and my Mom, (no mention of S10) are going to be gone.....he said he didn't remember the exact dates....why do I think he's planning something nefarious, serving papers, emptying out the house.......while we are gone?
How do I maintain my equilibrium?
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That's easy SF. Detach, detach, detach.
This is easy for me to say--do not pre-worry! You say the sheriff is often in there so why stress yourself out for something that may never happen, may happen & go no further, may happen & etc etc. Someone said, procrastinate worry. Oh yeah it was Robert Bateman--he said he had a cancer scare & he decided he could put off worrying until another day.
Of course my heart rate goes up & I feel that pit in my stomach every time I see an email...don't do as I do, do as I tell you. :)
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"Of course my heart rate goes up & I feel that pit in my stomach every time I see an email...don't do as I do, do as I tell you. :)"
hahaha, I'll second this, Calamity ;D ;D ;D
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Just needing a little support here. Feeling lost and alone at the moment.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3441.msg232626#msg232626
I added your thread link--Calamity
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Sf
I would be very worried. I would check with a lawyer on the house. After my H left, I changed the code on the alarm and told him he could no longer come if I was not home. Later I changed the locks. He lost his garage door opener so too bad, he can't get in. Yes he owns the house with me, but he abandoned the house and has no more rights to anything inside. He took the most important, clothes, jewelry, computer, and poker chips. I have sent boxes of stuff I'd throw out over to him but that's it.
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Can someone pop over to my thread? Not as horrifc a situation as some people are in but I'm devastated.
Thanks
Dee
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3483.70
I've reply on your thread.
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Question - because I am doubting everything and I mean everything. I am reading the articles again and I am struggling with this - So if they are incapable of loving us (the spouse) and incapable of loving themselves right now while they are in escape and avoid - how is it that they are capable of loving the OP?
Answered on your thread.
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NEW QUESTION:
'The Replay stage is the LONGEST of the stages, and can last up to two years or even longer, depending upon the "replay" behaviors used during this time. '
Can anyone just give me some more info on the above? Does this mean if you have a high energy MLCer who is constantly looking for the next 'fix' - is replay likely to end sooner?
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And can someone tell me if the OW is the new addiction what's the chances it will end. How many alcoholics never get help? I think it being an addiction I have to hope the OW decides to end it. Being that she is new in town I don't know if she is also crazy. She came aboard thinking after 2 years being separated we were done and he had no drama. She sees the "responsible" him with his new place, furniture, cooking and cleaning for himself. His new clothes all ironed. He hides his bills, so she thinks he can pay for everything. Once she found out I don't want a divorce she didn't leave, but they had already been going out over 3 months. Sure she's not going to give up now. She's vested.
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NEW QUESTION:
'The Replay stage is the LONGEST of the stages, and can last up to two years or even longer, depending upon the "replay" behaviors used during this time. '
Can anyone just give me some more info on the above? Does this mean if you have a high energy MLCer who is constantly looking for the next 'fix' - is replay likely to end sooner?
Unfortunately, high energy replayers generally set the time frame, so the two plus year timeframe is more accurate. Low energy wallowers, from what I have seen in examples, seem to string it out longer. Each situation is unique of course, so acceptance that this will take a long time is the best way to keep the focus on ourselves, and then any early return can be a surprise. ;) I think we all fail at this a little. I know I thought I would have an early returner, and I am now at 25 months post BD with a high energy replayer showing no signs of letting up.
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And can someone tell me if the OW is the new addiction what's the chances it will end. How many alcoholics never get help? I think it being an addiction I have to hope the OW decides to end it. Being that she is new in town I don't know if she is also crazy. She came aboard thinking after 2 years being separated we were done and he had no drama. She sees the "responsible" him with his new place, furniture, cooking and cleaning for himself. His new clothes all ironed. He hides his bills, so she thinks he can pay for everything. Once she found out I don't want a divorce she didn't leave, but they had already been going out over 3 months. Sure she's not going to give up now. She's vested.
Infidelity is one of the most painful aspects of MLC, but it is not the root cause. You will do yourself a benefit if you don't worry about the likelihood of their failure, and just let time do its work. He will go through his crisis whether or not she is in the picture, but few get stuck in the tunnel. It is impossible to get into these OW's heads - they do not think like we do, and their motivations and tolerances are often far beyond anything we could fathom. Instead, find your joy, your path, and let them have their misery. Know that it is not like your marriage was.
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Any chance any of you could flick onto my post - couple of developments and I'd appreciate your thoughts.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3791.0;all
Thanks Songanddance
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Posted on mine too. Any comments on my weekend and only text conversation with H this weekend.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3753.0
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My question is, I have three kids, D15, D12, S9. Is there something for them to read, or a way to describe MLC to them? I think as a kid, I would rather think something is not right in my dad's head than think he is just an A$$hole and can just pickup and leave. And then he shows them that "look everything worked out for me, so I am right". Obviously this family of his, grew up thinking this is okay and now him and his brother keep the tradition. There is the chance that they may never want their kids to go through this. But it's a 50/50 chance.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3753.0;all (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3753.0;all)
answered on your thread.
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Sorry - can I ask again for some feedback - things are moving very fast...
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3791.0;all
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Hi - could someone pop over to my thread - just after an opinion- in particular regarding comment about OW acceptance of situation.
Thankyou.....
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3762.msg233985#msg233985
answered on your thread.
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In an article that RCR wrote titled "The Clinging Boomerang Soap Opera Part 2" she talks about Monster being charming. Would someone please elaborate on this. I have always associated Monster as angery, mean, cruel, etc. and now I am wondering how often I am really seeing Monster if charming is part of it.
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/page/90/
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I only saw 'puppy monster'--'oh woe is me. Poor, poor pitiful me. I've hurt my family & it makes me feel bad so, feel sorry for me because I feel bad.' I'm NOT kidding.
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Searching4 - I started seeing a bit of charming monster about 10mths post BD. Before that it was all rage and everything was my fault.
Angry monster showed up many times in the first 18mths post BD in particular, and still makes occasional appearances.
It took me a while to wise up to it - but charming monster (flirt) appeared whenever we were in public together - such as a school event, or if he wanted something (something signed for his advantage). As soon as the event was over, or he got what he wanted, he would return to being irritable and distant.
It wasn't until I found this site some months later that I had any clue as to what it was all about.
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I occasionally get angry monster but it's fleeting- I usually get pity me or snide/clever monster. But sometimes I get "nice but deadly" monster. very unsettling.
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We know that after BD MLC gets worse and also that eventually most MLCers leave. (Bear in mind my H refuses at the moment to leave and has quoted the law at me telling me that I cannot chuck him out and that he intends to stay for his business)
However H is much more distant with me now and has stopped being quite as "friendly or helpful" and is out most nights at OWs although doesn't stay there overnight - Is this a sign that it is getting worse and that he may leave?
I'm almost hopeful that the answer is yes as he needs to leave and I need the space from him.
Has any one had experience of a gradual self removal from the home?
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It took me a while to wise up to it - but charming monster (flirt) appeared if he wanted something (something signed for his advantage). As soon as the event was over, or he got what he wanted, he would return to being irritable and distant.
My H does this. I get hugs, kisses, sometimes more if he wants something from me. Gee, when women do that they call them prostitutes! :o (sorry!)
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THey can be charming monster via texts as well. My h does this all the time, but now i usually get silent monster as my answers are short and too the point or with a few truth darts thrown in. x
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However H is much more distant with me now and has stopped being quite as "friendly or helpful" and is out most nights at OWs although doesn't stay there overnight - Is this a sign that it is getting worse and that he may leave?
I'm almost hopeful that the answer is yes as he needs to leave and I need the space from him.
Has any one had experience of a gradual self removal from the home?
Songanddance, I hope you get the answer ;D I am in the exact same position you are and wish I could figure out how to get him to leave {sigh}
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Last evening I stopped by my W's house to pick something up. I sensed, as only a husband would, that something was not "right" so I asked her what was troubling her. She immediately started to "tear-up" and told me that she had a mammogram and the procedure found a questionable lump that needed to be biopsied. I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a hug and she began sobbing in my arms. I told her not to worry and that it might not be anything to be concerned about, that it could be anything or nothing which she acknowledged. I hugged her for quite a while and she thanked me saying that she needed a hug.
As this was happening, I was also thinking that for someone in the throes of MLC who is consumed with their own mortality, this has got to be devastating. A few minutes later she tells me that the nurse at the clinic had also told her not to worry and that the lump might just be calcification of tissue and that "this happens often in post menopausal women". While she told me this, she put her hands on her hips almost in a statement of defiance, stating that "she was not that old". OMG, I didn't know what to say. It was about enough to throw her over the cliff of insanity. If she wasn't already worked up enough about her aging, this just about did her in!
So my question is, what role should I play in this? A loving husband or a distant bystander or somewhere in between? I tried to give her moral support and asked to be kept advised as to what was happening and offered my assistance in anything she needed, but did not try to push myself into her life. Today I texted her and asked how she was feeling but nothing more.
Your counsel is appreciated.
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I think what you've already done is the right approach. Let her tell you if she needs more. The "menopause" remarks speak tons to probably another layer of fear this is bringing out, and you were good to just validate her and let her process the feedback the world is giving her. I've had a benign lump removed in the past - it's not something that physically will require much from anyone, but I think she probably knows now that you are there if she needs someone for that much needed hug. Good job. :)
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However H is much more distant with me now and has stopped being quite as "friendly or helpful" and is out most nights at OWs although doesn't stay there overnight - Is this a sign that it is getting worse and that he may leave?
My H went through this. He was completely disconnected from me and our S, and in full addiction mode with OW. He could not WAIT to get away from me when we HAD to interact about our S. This lasted about a year, then he realized I was not the enemy and started the acts of kindness again.
If your H is sticking around because he made these statements like "you can't make me leave" then he might dig his heels in and stay, just for the sake of staying - even though it's not what he wants. Or, he could get pressure from OW to get out of his marital home and he will leave.
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Thanks FH1,
I believe he is in full addiction mode and therefore that is why he is away.
I have to aim truth darts at him when I can so that I can put subtle pressure on him to leave because I am finding it difficult to detach and not only that am becoming a doormat.
He says he will leave when he is ready so I think I need to now start making subtle digs about whether OW is happy for him to spend his nights at home with his wife and what a fool she is to think that he will leave me for her and as H has also said he doesn't think it will last (yeah BS time) I can casually wonder out loud if he has told her that!
I don't want him to leave but then again I don't want this affair thrown in my face the whole time.
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New Question
At what point in MLC does H/W "think" they have made the right decision, and are happy in their "new life" with the OW/OM? is it in the beginning of the new R, after the R goes public or in a specific time during Replay?
Thank you in advance!
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BH,
I would say at the beginning of the relationship.
You can figure it out from here: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_separation_replay.html
The following section would also apply [Covert depression].
Of course you know to believe 0% of what he says & 50% of what he does!
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Thanks C,
I get so something new out of these articles every time I read them. Great articles!
I suspect H has been in his R since March of 2012, maybe even before.
It was kept a secret, he has Been open about the R since about Jan of this year. With his family anyway. Looking back a few months, he seemed to be so hell bent on his new life, new R & leaving this life behind. He moved out in May. Lately he has been contacting S & family more often. I have heard from him 2x.
I know I should not be keeping track of where he is in the MLC process, but I can't help it.
Especially since he has been in touch with my F lately. He actually wished my Niece a Happy BDay yesterday!!! Maybe he is moving forward a bit.
Have a great day & thanks again!!
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Can I get some cyber hugs? Feeling very low at the moment.
Some people talk about having a "knowing" that their MLCr will come back at some point. I feel like I have a "knowing" that he will NEVER come back. Is one feeling more valid than the other? Am I just trying to protect my heart for the worst case scenario?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3843.0
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Hi SF,
MANY HUGS!!
I feel the same way you do!!!!
Beautiful Heart~
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Hey, all,
I need advice on my thread please. My MLC'er is taking me for a fool!!!
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3808.0
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Question...how long does it take to detach? I see some on here can sit back a laugh at their h's behaviour and others want to go at em. When can I start laughing at h and not take it so personal? I think I am doing everything that I am suppose to to detach but h still gets to me. I am going on 9 months now and h is so far into the tunnel, nothing phases him and he knows he is on the right path. At some points I feel like I am detaching then I have to have a serious conversation with h and everything come back to the surface.
So for all the detached LBS when can I feel a sense of freedom from this crisis? I so want to be over this crazy feeling.
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Magnite, detachment is a process and it can be a long one. You will find you cycle with detachment and that may last a long time. I am 4.5 years post BD and while in many ways I am quite detached, every once in awhile something will hit me and that detachment flies out the window. I will say it was probably (maybe? Can't remember) around the 2 - 3 year mark that I was at my best with it. I do have a live in MLCer so my situation is different than most and detachment is probably harder to maintain.
It is also different for each person. I had to keep reminding myself that his crisis was NOT about me and that there was nothing I could do about his actions and behaviors so I might as well not think about it. I think acceptance is key.
I do think that in many ways it may be easier for an LBS to detach the less contact they have with their MLCer.
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After one year post BD I started to wake up a little, he's met his soulmate? He never really loved me? He believes an affair down dishwasher can improve his life? He's crazy! :) Knowing this is not the man/woman you married is the beginning of detachment. The rest is keeping yourself convinced even when you see him. ;)
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That is hard for me. When I see him everything changes. If he's laughing it makes my nerves crawl. If he acts like he hasn't changed to everyone else and the kids, it drives me nuts. How do you sit there knowing he is crazy when everyone else sees the same person, just he got rid of you. Found out people really don't care about their friend's marriages. They will side with who they need to, and think it will never happen to them, and there is no such thing as MLC like we know it.
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hi sorry to post on here really need some advice , h has been texting my son who doesnt want to talk to him so has been ignoring his texts (son is 23) h has been vile to son on and off but seems to forget .
he has now text me after nothing since the last text saying he will make sure our paths never cross again saying do you know if son has lost his phone or just blocking me out , son just said text him back dont know so i just put ? he then replied saying its just i have sent him texts and he hasnt (with a sad face at end of text)
i reallly dont know what to put then whislt writing on here he has just text again saying thanks i shouldnt have expected a reply from you should i??
i really want to say to him why dont you think about why your son doesnt text you , when you told him you dont care if you never see him again you are going to spend the rest of your life with ow and if he cant accept that tough ... then denied saying it , then you have had him by the throat then denied doing that too and many other things please advice would be helpful
i really wnat to text him back or do i just say i really dont know and that is between you and son or
helpx
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Your son and husband will have to figure out their relationship on their own. It isn't up to you although I would encourage your son to try and remain neutral as possible and to express to his dad how he feels.
You cannot tell your husband how or what your son feels and if your husband's texts are in any way "mean" I would just ignore him.
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xyzcf
thanks for reply son has tried with his dad and told him how he feels and i have tried to stay out of their relationship the only time i interfered was when son didn't want his dad to go to his graduation i said he should really think about it because it is a special great day in his life and he might regret his dad not being there , so he told h he was invited as long as he didn't bring ow (sons decision not mine), h said he wouldn't want her there anyway
he kept calling me sweetheart all that day just like he always did ( i wanted to say i not your sweetheart anymore but bit my tongue for sons sake. anyway i digress, I felt sorry for h today ..how do they get you like thst with all the horrible things they do and say and we end up feeling guilty.
thanks again
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How do I cope.
It is NOT your fault. you did not cause the rift between your H and son. Your son has set his boundaries.
You are correct. it IS between your H and your son.
I had a similar experience with my exH over his mother. I just replied: "Your relationship with your mother has nothing to do with me", and left it at that.
Detaching from it is best as you can't fix it.
Hugs,
SP
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NEW QUESTION
I have read RCR articles about liminality and they don't seem to answer my question.
My MLCer Dropped Bomb and left home May 2013 there is no alienator. He seems to be alternating between overt and covert depression. There are no signs of Replay behaviour he is either at work or in his apartment drinking alcohol.
Is it possible that he is in or approaching liminality only three months after BD and without experiencing Replay ?
Will he need an alienator in order to proceed through the MLC tunnel ?
Thanks for answering
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I think being at work or in his apartment is escape and avoid, which is replay, but perhaps in your h case low energy wallow type replay rather than high energy.
I doubt he will go into liminality this early as much as that would be great.
Sorry but more likely that he will either continue to wallow or things might go full speed ahead, not nice to say this to someone but it is better that you know I think.
Not all mlcers get ow/om but the majority do.
The ow is the soulmate, I think she becomes the part of them that is missing until such times as they can become whole again and then she is no longer needed.
What we are dealing with is the mlcers subconscience mind and that is where he is during mlc, he wont be in reality but in his subconscience with all his lifes problems that he never faced up to in real life.
That is my take on it from what I have read.
x
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NEW QUESTION
I have read RCR articles about liminality and they don't seem to answer my question.
My MLCer Dropped Bomb and left home May 2013 there is no alienator. He seems to be alternating between overt and covert depression. There are no signs of Replay behaviour he is either at work or in his apartment drinking alcohol.
Both 'overworking' and drinking alcohol are signs of replay
Is it possible that he is in or approaching liminality only three months after BD and without experiencing Replay ?
From what we read here, liminality at this early point in highly unlikely, I remember that I hoped the same thing at about the same time. It is probably just the depression that comes and goes/changes from overt/covert all through the crisis
Will he need an alienator in order to proceed through the MLC tunnel ?
Alienator as in OW? Some MLCers manage to get through this without an OW, they resort to other addictions such as hobbies or work - however, these are very few cases from what has been observed
Thanks for answering
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NEW QUESTION -
What is the easiest way to find my own thread in the Community Forum? Right now I scroll through the messages until I find it, but that can take awhile :P
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Hello Phoenix67
Show unread posts since last visit.
Show new replies to your posts.
August 13, 2013, 07:13:57 PM
If you go to the top of the page, under the hero spouse header - you will see the above.
Click on 'show new replies to your posts' and it will be there.
Hope that helps.
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Unfortunately there aren't any new replies to my post. When I click that just says '"no unread replies since your last visit."
When someone replies to my thread I get a message on my cell phone and link to the site that way. But when I'm on my home computer in the evening I cant get to my thread :-[
Seriously, I am not normally this helpless...
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Click on profile summary and then show posts.
Edit then click on TOPICS. - OldPilot
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Yes, as Disneyme explained is one way of doing it.
Or you might need to change your personal settings.
e
Help Search Profile My Messages Calendar Members Logout
Click on profile in the header.
That will option up options. Click on forum profile.
You can edit your settings under Modify profile - either in 'Look and layout' or 'notifications'
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Yikes! Help! :o :o
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3843.msg237179#msg237179
answered on your thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3843.120
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please can someone read my thread really need advice and help he has sent another text now and i even more confused as i think he is too
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I posted on my thread. Feeling down again.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3753.0
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I have problems typing sometimes on here when I post replies. It goes slow and freezes sometimes.Does anyone else have this issue.
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I have problems typing sometimes on here when I post replies. It goes slow and freezes sometimes.Does anyone else have this issue.
Sometimes, it is usually my internet connection or sometimes the sjte is slow.
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Hi, I have a question. My H's MLC has been from day one less on the scale than many on here. He has never monstered at me, he seems to hold me in very high esteem, yes there was an OW but they have split. He is reconnecting with family and friends now, most definitely. We talk. He listens to me. It's been just under 11 months. Now I know he was definitely in full crisis at the beginning, but I have always questioned if it was indeed MLC or a 'light' version. My question- is there a range of MLC from heavy to light? When we say mlc do we mean only the one 'type'? Or are there others?
And I am not trying to see him through the tunnel any sooner than he should be. It just seems strange to be seeing him reconnect with family who he ignored all this time, this early in the game. Its not like i want him back as I am not sure yet how I feel. Or am I delusional?
Thanks
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Now I know he was definitely in full crisis at the beginning, but I have always questioned if it was indeed MLC or a 'light' version. My question- is there a range of MLC from heavy to light? When we say mlc do we mean only the one 'type'? Or are there others?
Sunny,
I'm no expert, but I think that--as with any stage of life--MLC is slightly different in each person. As well, the stages described in association with MLC are not always perfectly sequential. It's a chaotic and confusing time, and an MLCer can go in and out of various stages at different times and in different orders. I read that in articles either on this site or in a book a friend gave me. The stress of all this is clouding my memory! ;)
I also think there's a fine line between a midlife transition and a midlife crisis. Your H may have been in crisis, but may now be settling into a less dramatic (less damaging?) transition. I would tread very cautiously if I were you. Don't set any expectations. Continue remaining detached, if you can, and continue focusing on yourself.
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Sunny
Sounds like transition to me. However, my H has been reconnecting with family. His brother returned after 10 years being disappeared. The man left with his 3rd wife and never let anyone know where he was. Then out of the blue leaves her and comes back. My h took it as a way out, to go live bachelor style. And leaves me the same week. he's such a follower. Now both of them have OW and they have BBQ's at their homes and invite the parents. I think he is trying to prove his parent's lack of interest in us was due to me being the b****. Won't last long. My kids heard grandma say "I am going home, I have better things to do." So I guess OW isn't winning them over. No one ever will. The MLC comes from good old mom ( also crazy). I would say read read read since you have chances to be with him. I don't have that anymore. and when we have to be with each other it is ugly.
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Is there any articles explaining difference between midlife crisis versus midlife transition?
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Mid life transition is something that we all have to navigate - in the same way that we all have to navigate adolescence. Some do this with more ease than others.
All things in life seem to be on a spectrum. What makes a transition a crisis - seems to be the choice to have an affair and run from the marriage and previous life including children and responsibilities.
I don't think there is an article on this?
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Thank you for your thoughts Kikki, dbpb, Disneyme, and Workinghard. Definitely helped me to make sense of things. Just going back to business as usual- taking care of me and detaching and keeping all boundaries well secured!
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Posted on my post a few things. Can someone take a look?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3753.msg237645#msg237645
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HI Sorry to post on this but I cant stop thinking about the things my h said in my texts the other day (please see my post I not good at putting on there ) when i have read my other texts just before that as he was due back at the house for work (obviously now on sick) he said to me he wanted me to pick his tablets up (i didnt as this is what i always did for him when we were togethere as husband and wife ) so I got I see you didnt pick my tablets up for me? Ps i dont know why the thought that i could talk to you about things woould ever enter my head , I now realise the way you behave , I never want our paths to cross again, I cant believe that the way I feel but i do! there are things I want to take with me but i will take them when i can (bearing in mind last July he told me he had moved then decided he wasnt because he could tn afford to ) crap... i also need to search all of the house for the camcorder (he knows I have this ) You will very soon get a FINAL proposal for settlement and if you cant agree to that we have no alternative than to go to court. I have received NO Post at ow house and have told you DONT touch my stuff GROW UP!! Also you want to take things of mine tit for tat (I hadnt taken anytning) IS that how you want to play it Pathetic (because i didnt reply)
I then get the texts that i poste on my thread , i really am struggling to detach at the moment I am reading articles and things but I cant stop thinking what is happening and I hate the thought of him being away with her.. is it replay is he liminality is he coming out of the turnnel ..please help me
I will respond on your thread.
limitless
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3714.msg238297#new
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Need as much support and wisdom as possible. Legal separation and divorce issues and dealing with an irrational man.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3824.0;all#lastPost
Thanks in advance.
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Hello everyone,
Can I please ask for some advice on my thread, I feel like I need to go no contact but that it will widen the chasm even further. All advice greatly appreciated.
Thanks a lot
Venus
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3625.new;topicseen#new
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Need advice. Posted on thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3753.0
Conflict on what God asks to do.
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Looking for some thoughts on my thread.....
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3475.60
Thanks
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Just wondering who if anyone on here follows rejoiceministries.org. And has anyone ever gone to the bible study there. I like listening to everything but there is no place to ask questions like on here. Like the decision I have to make on my post about the card to send.
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I need some advice here at end of tread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3615.0
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Would someone be able to look at my last thread and just advise best course of action? Thank you.....
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3860.msg239862#msg239862
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Just wondering who if anyone on here follows rejoiceministries.org. And has anyone ever gone to the bible study there. I like listening to everything but there is no place to ask questions like on here. Like the decision I have to make on my post about the card to send.
Disneyme,
I think it would be a great idea to go to a Bible study there. I would if I could! You are right that you can't really ask questions there - they encourage that we ask the Lord. That is something that I have learnt along the way, in the beginning, I didn't know how to do it, nor did I think that God would answer. I have learnt that it is listening for the small quite voice and immersing myself in the word. Not easy at all when my mind is running at hundreds of miles an hour!
((((Hugs))))
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Posting here to tell the most people. When my dad died I'd get fortunes in the cookies that always went with what was going on with me. So today, the job ordered food and I picked a cookie. I said dad what do you want me to know? The fortune said "there are no shortcuts to any place worth going".
I think it is the message for all the LBS for the day.
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That's so true I wish I could speed up the process.
I have questions on my thread.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3881.msg239986#msg239986
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More questions
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My H has been living with OW since June 2013, but was seeing ow for about 1.5 yrs previous. How do I pave the way when he states this house never felt like a home. Lived here 38yrs he also grew in this house. He very seldom comes here. As ha is writing his grown dtrs out of his life. And they won't talk to him. Also when they have this awakening how do you know if its the alienator that they want to be with? OW is 31 and H is 59 .
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3861.msg241231;topicseen#new
answered on your thread.
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I heard that to. He didn't have a say. The house was never his. I didn't care what he wanted. Funny it really feels good to go shopping and not care what color he likes, or thinks it doesn't look good. Who cares it's my house now. He has his own and gets to do as the OW wants now. I can't believe how whipped he is. I think she is lazier than him and that's hard to believe.
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Disneyme and anyone else that is going to reply to Dreamer, please do so on her thread. The link is in her post. Thank you.
Also, please be so kind to post the reply you've post here on Dreamer's thread so that I can remove your reply.
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Posted something on my thead. Feeling horrible.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3753.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3753.0)
answered on yr thread.
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NEW QUESTION (Also on my thread)
Can anyone answer a question about Escape and Avoid?
Specifically, is E & A the same as Replay? Or is it a different part, or start of replay? Not sure when I read through the documentation.
Thanks.
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Panda
I have answered on your thread.
xx
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I got an email post today from Rejoice ministries. Is there a way to repost it here? Are we allowed to do that?
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Yes. Just copy the URL of the page or copy paste the parts you want to your thread.
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Question - My teenage son does not believe in "Mid Life crisis". He will not listen to reason about his Father. He just sees a selfish A**hole who has abandoned his family. This teenage son is very angry and is screaming at me tonight to open my eyes that my husband has changed and he is a jerk and never coming home. My son now also believes that we will never be a family ever again and he should have the right to opt out of family events like his Father. (great role model).
For those mentors who have teenagers, how did you try to explain or deal with the fall out of this all?
Thank you for your help.
ps/ the son is refusing counselling again. He hated it the last go round.
answered on thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3920.msg239308#lastPost
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I really need some advice on my thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3475.90
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Haven't posted in a while. Could use some guidance on my thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3608.60
Thanks.
answered on your thread.
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http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2013/01/29/question-answer-show-can-narcissists-be-loving
I need to understand this better compared to MLC. My H matches all of these things from Melanie Tonia Evans. I can't be a stander if my H is a Narcissist and maybe standing is not the best option for most LBSes? Please help.
SW
From xyzcf...answered on your thread
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hi sorry I have posted a new thread but not sure if I have done it correctly please could someone check didnt want to have to post on here :-\
Done [by OP] :)
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http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2013/01/29/question-answer-show-can-narcissists-be-loving
I need to understand this better compared to MLC. My H matches all of these things from Melanie Tonia Evans. I can't be a stander if my H is a Narcissist and maybe standing is not the best option for most LBSes? Please help.
SW
I'm going to quote directly from RCR from the "Newbies, Read This" thread at http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0:
Exceptions & Gray Areas
In my time coaching on forums I have only seen 2 situations where I was familiar enough and felt that divorce would be better. In both situations the Standing spouse (unknowingly) described their spouse’s as Narcissists. MLCers often display a higher than typical level of Narcissistic attributes during the crisis, but the histories described in each situation implied long-standing emotional and verbal abuse that sounded like Narcissism. I’m not a Psychotherapist and I did not meet the MLCers, so my judgment was based only on the words from the Standers and I did not tell either of them they should not Stand; that was and remains their decision.
Here's another of her links about NPD: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_personality-disorder_narcissistic.html
Essentially, the decision is still yours, as only you truly know your history with this man. If he didn't do a 180 flip in personality, if not immediate, at least over a short period of time, then that leans more toward NPD, and will probably always be a part of him. If this is something that came on quite suddenly, it may be MLC, which displays NPD at its worst, but does not seem to be permanent from the tales outside of the tunnel we hear.
More important than what his mental state is though - decide what is best for YOU. If you're having doubts about standing, that's healthy and normal. You may find as you soul search that standing isn't your best choice, and that this "grace period" as some call it where you've allowed yourself to consider it has ultimately put you on your path to healing into a future without him. Either way, we are here for you.
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Things are moving rather quickly right now and I am trying to make sense of it, any advice would be greatly appreciated:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3475.100
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Need someone to just say something to make me not go crazy!
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3753.0
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Can someone find a link to cycling? Article blog whatever?
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Can someone find a link to cycling? Article blog whatever?
Is there a specific area you were looking at? Is it cycling in the MLCer or the LBSer? I think that the articles as a whole describe different types of cycling and chaotic behavior. Often if you google cycling in Mid Life Crisis you can find this information in the search and the first one hits the blog that RCR has created.
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview.html
I posted this article for you as it showed up in the google search.
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I would like some feedback from a mentor, my H is living with Ow and her 2 young kids. He comes on the days I work to get mail. Our younger grnd dtr stays here with me to go to school. My H wants to come to take her to school in the mornings. I want to tell him not to as I feel he should be worried about ow. If I tell him not to come, am I hurting my chances for standing. He has already said he is happy with ow and does not want to keep her a secret. Everyone already knows. He says I am the only one that won't accept that he is not coming back. I feel this is giving my grnd dtr the idea that this ok in a relationship. I don't want her to grow up thinking this is how relationships work please respond
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Could use some attention on my thread. I seem to have lost my mentor.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3608.0
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New general behavior question:
After monstering, what is the normal behavior of an MLCer? Do they lay low and limit communication? Remain in monster for a while? Communicate but in a cold manner? Would like to know if type makes a difference--boomerang vs vanishers, etc?
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I would like some feedback from a mentor, my H is living with Ow and her 2 young kids. He comes on the days I work to get mail. Our younger grnd dtr stays here with me to go to school. My H wants to come to take her to school in the mornings. I want to tell him not to as I feel he should be worried about ow. If I tell him not to come, am I hurting my chances for standing. He has already said he is happy with ow and does not want to keep her a secret. Everyone already knows. He says I am the only one that won't accept that he is not coming back. I feel this is giving my grnd dtr the idea that this ok in a relationship. I don't want her to grow up thinking this is how relationships work please respond
I am not a parent or grandparent, so this doesn't come from personal experience - at this point, you must do what is best for you and your granddaughter. You don't need to appease their every whim - there will be other opportunities to pave the way when the time is right. If this feels like the wrong thing to you, and I understand why it would, then you shouldn't do it just for his benefit. I think a lot of times that gauge within us gives us the answer we need. That's my .02.
New general behavior question:
After monstering, what is the normal behavior of an MLCer? Do they lay low and limit communication? Remain in monster for a while? Communicate but in a cold manner? Would like to know if type makes a difference--boomerang vs vanishers, etc?
There is nothing hard and fast, as each one is unique, and will probably not be consistent throughout their crisis with this. Mine monstered, the monstered more - then monstered and became clingy and kind - then monstered and hid. Just focus on staying consistent yourself with the fact this is not about you - respond not react, and no matter what they do, it will start to affect you less.
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I am confused on thread.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=post;topic=3970.0;last_msg=245211
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Need options. Init has a good point. I just hate how one text or email can just throw me off.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3970.msg246479#msg246479
Answered on thread.
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Could really use some wisdom on my thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3475.110
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Could I have some help from the wise LBS's on my thread please?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3934.msg246757#msg246757
Really confused over which avenue to take, or whether I should just wait it out.
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Just had an unexpected death in the family. Need to know if my MLC'rs reaction is script. It kind of shocked me.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4004.0
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GENERAL QUESTION:
When the approximation of a midlife crisis is given between 2 and 7 years (or possibly 10) - is that timed from bomb drop or the actual start, which in the majority of cases is undetectable?
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That's a good question, Panda. I hope someone more experienced will come along and answer it. I recall hearing/reading that at BD.........is like a half way point...........not sure exactly. My exH first stated his "unhappiness" began 6 months prior to BD...........but then later he came back and said it really started two years before BD...........and as I went backwards in my mind....the two years fits perfectly. His mom died around the time frame he is speaking of.........so, perhaps it did start that far back. I will soon hit the 4 year mark of all of this......so, I don't get the "half-way" mark regarding the date/time of BD. As my luck goes, my exH will take the longest way out......so, he will probably be in this for the duration......10 years??? Oh, goodness!!
I hope someone else will come along and shed some light on this.
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Hi Panda,
I can only answer from my own experience - H has not been 'right' a total of eight years. He's been gone 3 1/2 years, so in theory if you were right, he'd be getting better in about six months time. The way my H is, that doesn't seem very likely!
Maybe he's going to be a 10 year MLCer!
X
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*New Question*
H is opening up some more about how he is feeling; one of the things that he is expressing is that he is disappointed in himself (self esteem seems to be low, etc) I was looking around for information on how to support him as he tries to heal/make himself stronger but I don't see anything realting to this. Does anyone know where I might look?
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I posted on my thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3970.msg247628#msg247628
Is going nice part of this rollercoaster or is it part of manipulation or control?
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Mentors and other LBS friends,
Have any of you had your MLCer text you when he was going places with the OW? For example, if H is going somewhere with his schmoopie that he knows the boys and I usually go, he will text me saying "We are going to the ____ at noon".
What is the purpose behind this?
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Usual mlc craziness? Or he's warning you so you don't find yourself in the same place as them?
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Does anyone know of a thread about the kids and dealing with the back and forth and OW? I am so tired of this. My life is out of control. I have things to convey about kids, but get no where with him. He is just spiteful and selfish. I can't do this. I want NC and my life makes that impossible because the stuff with kids turns out so bad. I need help from someone that maybe went through this.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3970.msg247628#msg247628
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*NEW QUESTION*
Am I paving the way or allowing cake eating ??????
I do not initiate contact with my H. These past two weeks my H has been either turning up at my house or telephoning me to talk. He talks about sad he is and has started to tell me lots of FOO issues that I was unaware of. He says that he will only let me help him and that he needs me to be his FRIEND. When I questioned is that all he needs me for as a friend rather than a wife he said ' Well it might lead to more later on'. I told him I don't want to be fed crumbs. He cries a lot in my presence and says his parents were always physically fighting when he was little and that when he was a little boy he always had to ring the Police to come to stop his parents fighting. Then he says he is scared of me. Now we have not had a violent relationship AT ALL.
My question is to do I allow him to come to me and cry and listen to him and offer sympathy?
Am I paving the way or am I allowing cake eating by letting him come to me when he is low and then retreating to his 'bolthole'?
BTW he doesn't have OW so not sure it is cake eating?
Thanks for reading.
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I have had similar experiences with my H. He has periodically (and it was quite regularly the first couple of years) come to me with his MLC angst, very emotional. I did choose to listen and let him talk and still would. I don't see it as cake eating personally. I want to be a soft place to land for him, and I am still the same person he left, still the person who was ALWAYS there for him. I choose to still be.
That's my 0.02 worth. Others may not agree.
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I thing both of you Jos1.0 and trusting should be there. You can just listen. I wouldn't give advise that they may see as you getting what you want. Like suggestions on getting away from OW. I would always answer with another question so they are always the one talking.
Were your husbands always very open? My H never really opened up about anything. In my family this is normal so I never pushed. Now I regret it since he may have been able to deal with old issues, or seen me as a friend. I don't think he did or does and think OW is probably closer than me if she is different and asks him to talk more.
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*NEW QUESTION*
Am I paving the way or allowing cake eating ??????
I do not initiate contact with my H. These past two weeks my H has been either turning up at my house or telephoning me to talk. He talks about sad he is and has started to tell me lots of FOO issues that I was unaware of. He says that he will only let me help him and that he needs me to be his FRIEND. When I questioned is that all he needs me for as a friend rather than a wife he said ' Well it might lead to more later on'. I told him I don't want to be fed crumbs. He cries a lot in my presence and says his parents were always physically fighting when he was little and that when he was a little boy he always had to ring the Police to come to stop his parents fighting. Then he says he is scared of me. Now we have not had a violent relationship AT ALL.
My question is to do I allow him to come to me and cry and listen to him and offer sympathy?
Am I paving the way or am I allowing cake eating by letting him come to me when he is low and then retreating to his 'bolthole'?
BTW he doesn't have OW so not sure it is cake eating?
Thanks for reading.
check out familytreecounselling.com your husband is crying out for help. They really understand the power of your childhood and the purpose of marriage.
:-)
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I'm fairly new around here and could do with a bit of advise
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4024.msg249427#msg249427
I think I've linked that correctly!
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I know there are going to be days that are hard but this day has hit me like a ton of bricks for some reason. Sadly days like these are the ones where I turn to alcohol to relieve the anxiety. I have never been a big drinker but right now it eases the feeling of a time bomb going off in my heart, head and body.
I am beginning to believe it would have been easier for my H to leave and stay gone until he figured his self out than to stay home while he does it. I love him with all my heart and I am Standing best as I can and detaching. Trying not to show him my feelings is nearly impossible while he is here. I know one of the main reasons he is here still is because of finances. I have been laid off since December 2013 and feel guilty that I cannot contribute more. I'm not defending him in anyway by saying this, but he has never put me down or been rude that I am not working. He has actually been encouraging when I have an interview. But the fact remains he is holding the financial burden for our family right now.
What the hell am I even doing here........ Why am I even bothering, when then outcome will probably be negative. 30 years I have put into this marriage for what?????????????? To be left like a piece of trash out on the curbside, I am beginning to feel like I'd rather have him mourn me than look at me like I am nothing more than a thorn in his side..... Can anyone please help me......... I'm lost and I am afraid of where my mind is taking me.
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Go see the answers on your thread, Lighthouse. :)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3948.50
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Got to let her know I wasn't ok with any of this, that I do not want a divorce, he has hurt the kids and did walk out on us. Told her this is adultery. Now she can have that all in her head. She wants to continue it knowing all this, than that is on her.
If you were really mean you could say to OW "you know he still loves me, and every time he contacts me with regards to the kids or whatever, you will wonder what we are saying, are his feelings coming back, did we kiss, what did he feel?" these are very real feelings that OW & OM feel. They are insecure and subject to this.
but of course i am not recommending anything like that ;)
cheers ben
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However H is much more distant with me now and has stopped being quite as "friendly or helpful" and is out most nights at OWs although doesn't stay there overnight - Is this a sign that it is getting worse and that he may leave?
My H went through this. He was completely disconnected from me and our S, and in full addiction mode with OW. He could not WAIT to get away from me when we HAD to interact about our S. This lasted about a year, then he realized I was not the enemy and started the acts of kindness again.
If your H is sticking around because he made these statements like "you can't make me leave" then he might dig his heels in and stay, just for the sake of staying - even though it's not what he wants. Or, he could get pressure from OW to get out of his marital home and he will leave.
have some fun with your H and make the OW jealous. "why are you still flirting with your wife? I thought you loved me?" Happiness is the best revenge ;-)
cheers ben
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Hi , I need a bit of help today . My H seems to have returned to the Anger stage , we had a touch and go a month or so ago. Then he bounced back to OW. He is saying the same comments that he used back at BD, "he has lived his life to please others" , "our marriage may have looked happy to others but it was not" . The anger is worse this time and he seems angry with his parents. His Mother called him on his general behaviour since this whole thing began and he reacts like a stroppu teenager, he justifies his behaviour to her by saying that there are two side to every story .
Is it normal for him to return to Anger like this but be worse ?
Callan
xx
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I say yes. My h has gone from bad to good then worse then good again. I think it's like pms. Depends on the day and the guilt.
This came on tv today while I was home for a short time. Freaks me out since h is always saying he is fighting for his kids yet never explains what that means.
http://www.hlntv.com/slideshow/2013/09/30/when-child-custody-turns-deadly
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This is good Callan. perfectly normal in the MLC world. Many returning spouses explain that they went thru all those emotions. Just because they are feeling it doesnt mean its true.
if i believed everything my W said i would believe one day she was coming back the next day leaving, next day coming back next day leaving. (she has left by the way)
Focus on yourself and who you can become by using this pain to endure and persevere.
This is good and easy ;-)
cheers ben
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Just looking for some feedback on a post that i made today.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4092.0 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4092.0)
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Hello I could really do with some insight on my thread today. Cant post link, sorry as on my mobile. Thank u xx
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Can an alienator be anyone? If so, then what is the definition of an alienator?
The reason I ask this is, W seems to be connected at the hip to a girlfriend that she went to high school with and maybe grade school too, I'm not sure. Shortly after BD, W refered to her like this "all I have is a girlfriend that wants to go get drunk." They reconnected about 1.5 years ago and started hanging out once and awhile. Her friend is married and has had some marital problems, nothing major, as far as I know but maybe she's in MLC too. A few friends have commented that if W is "with anyone" it's this friend, because of the amount of time they spend together and stuff posted on FB. Yes, I have considered that they are having a sexual relationship, I don't think so, but.... For the sake of argument/comment, if there is no sexual relationship between them is this/can this person be considered, an alienator?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4092.10
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Hello Shaggy,
there are a few LBS's here who's MLCer's haven't been unfaithful in a sexual sense. A lot of MLCer's are unfaithful and have affair etc. There are some whose work is their 'affair partner' and also some whose sport/hobby is the 'affair partner' - I suppose anything which keeps the MLCer from focussing on the marriage etc could be viewed as such.
We see a few MLCer's who reconnect with HS sweethearts etc or form strong bonds with buddies from that time or maybe even try and reconnect with people from that time. My exH reconnected with his girlfriend from when he was 15 back in November 2008 - she was unmarried and without children - he married her 6 weeks after the divorce came through. I believe that FOO issues play a big role in MLC (combined with depression and hormone changes etc) and I believe they strive to 're-do' their lives but 'correctly' this time (which is a fools errand but from their depressed point of view they believe it'll all work out this time around).
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Hi Shaggy , ... our stories are very similar , as I read your thread . And I too often asked that question , can an alienator be anyone? And I've noticed some things about my W that make me think that the right answer is "YES".
Just like your W , my W has a friend ( a girl , who is seperated from W brother after he admitted to having an affair ) and they are inseperable. They text everyday from morning to night and see each other whenever possible. Even though my W has moved out almost 2 months ago , I can still tell that she occupies herself with work , shopping ( I don't know how as she doesn't make much $ ) and our kids on days that she has them. I think of all those things as "alienator" in some way . She pretty much avoids being alone at the apartment , because , as we all know , when all is still and quiet , thats when the thoughts start creeping in . And she looks very depressed alot .
One night she texted me , asking what I was doing , I told her that I was watching a movie. She replied that she was also watching a movie with her "boyfriend" actor so and so . I later remembered she had started going to movies after BD and thinking back , alot of the movies she went to see , had that actor in it , got me thinking he was the "fantasy alienator". My W fits the "wallower" category, for now anyways and it's almost like she tried to be "High energy" at first after BD , but it's like it didn't work .
Anyways I didn't mean to highjack , or make this about myself , just though it would help you a little bit , to hear that yes , other things can be an alienator .
Stay Strong !!!!
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My h started with friends to drink every night with as an alienator now he has ow because all those friends got girlfriends or went back to wives.
I need some advice on mine
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3970.0
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she has been coming to the house and taking things when I'm not here. nothing big. just wondering, do I say something or let it slide?
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Shaggy,
My h. did this for over a year. He still does it sometimes. In the beginning, I would sometimes say something to the kids (my kids are older teenagers), but it did not make any difference, after a while, I gave up saying anything. I reckon that what he takes is what he thinks is his and/or it will remind him of us or the house. It's only 'stuff' any way :) I'd let it slide...
He even took my crash helmet once (it has come back now ;)) I wonder how OW felt about using my crash helmet ???
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Can an alienator be anyone? If so, then what is the definition of an alienator?
The reason I ask this is, W seems to be connected at the hip to a girlfriend that she went to high school with and maybe grade school too, I'm not sure. Shortly after BD, W refered to her like this "all I have is a girlfriend that wants to go get drunk." They reconnected about 1.5 years ago and started hanging out once and awhile. Her friend is married and has had some marital problems, nothing major, as far as I know but maybe she's in MLC too. A few friends have commented that if W is "with anyone" it's this friend, because of the amount of time they spend together and stuff posted on FB. Yes, I have considered that they are having a sexual relationship, I don't think so, but.... For the sake of argument/comment, if there is no sexual relationship between them is this/can this person be considered, an alienator?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4092.10
Birds of a feather flock together. People gather like minded people around themselves. A friend who is concerned about her husband and family is not as much fun as a woman who is thinking like a single girl who talks about men sexually and has free time to shop and go out.
My W has her married christian friends who supported her but probably encourage her to restore her family but she has the old school friend who is also single and encourages her to find herself and cut loose of the old ball and chain.
Perfectly normal in the replay stage.
cheers
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My h has said he wants to not keep his young ow a secret anymore. His family lives out of state and they just found about her. His mom is not happy and wants to visit. Should I tell him his secret is out? That his family knows
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No.
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I had a quick "strategic" question. H wants to use the lawnmower my Mom bought and I said no, its not mine to loan. He monstered that HE bought it and he wants to see the cancelled check from the purchase. I was with my Mom when she bought it, but we can't find the check. Do I just ignore H? Do I ask HIM to prove HE bought it? Do I just laugh and shake my head? This is the first "property" dispute that we've had.We are at the 18 month mark since BD and 14 months since he moved out. Headed into the storm I think.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4080.0
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I've got a small dilemma that is sort of MLC related which I would like some input on please.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4024.60
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I had a quick "strategic" question. H wants to use the lawnmower my Mom bought and I said no, its not mine to loan. He monstered that HE bought it and he wants to see the cancelled check from the purchase. I was with my Mom when she bought it, but we can't find the check. Do I just ignore H? Do I ask HIM to prove HE bought it? Do I just laugh and shake my head? This is the first "property" dispute that we've had.We are at the 18 month mark since BD and 14 months since he moved out. Headed into the storm I think.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4080.0
if its not yours then he is asking the wrong person. who owns the lawn mower? If its your mums tell him to go and ask your mum. if its yours why would you say its not? dont let the use of a lawnmower become a major issue between you. I think the unconditional's of grace and forgiveness and love are more important.
cheers benn
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Could use some insight about severe depression or bipolar disorder in MLCer. I'm concerned about missing H.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3608.80
Thank you!
answered on your thread.
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can someone give me some quick support - only have about 30 minutes to save me from myself!
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=unreadreplies
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sorry wrong link
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4129.msg256220#new
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Needs to spill my heart out to a good listener, someone who wont say anything but just listen. I need to find a counselor... I'm losing it...........
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talk to me.
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hi sorry mentors
i tried to create a new thread but dont think it worked please can someone help need some advice if possible thanks x
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Think you need to try again, click "new topic", write a title for the thread, a post and it should work. :)
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hi Anjae
thank you sorry i feel so stupid but where do i find the new topic ?? i really cant remember :-[
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My mentor has been completely silent. Not a complaint, just trying to figure out if he/she is still a member of the forum????
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hdic, you got to our community & new topic is centre page.
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My mentor has been completely silent. Not a complaint, just trying to figure out if he/she is still a member of the forum????
I'm not sure Devastated Wife.
I'll forward this onto RCR and get her recommendation as she assigns the mentors.
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here is your new thread how do i cope: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4157.0 - is how do i cope coping ??
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I need some words of wisdom here:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4149.msg257707#msg257707
What You will do ?
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My spousetold my grndtr i did not want him anymore so he is still blaming. My question is the more indpendent i seem to get the angrier h gets. So should i act needier so he doesnt think i am leaving him,in the dust lol
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My spousetold my grndtr i did not want him anymore so he is still blaming. My question is the more indpendent i seem to get the angrier h gets. So should i act needier so he doesnt think i am leaving him,in the dust lol
definitely not!
continue to have a great and victorious life. You can easily say "our grand daughter said that you said i dont want you anymore....this is completely untrue. I want you but i dont need you. I will have a wonderful life with you or without you, and you are choosing for it to be without you. How you respond to that is up to you."
said in a kind manner and with love will be very powerful.
James Dobson recommends putting things in writing so they can look back at them in the dark times as a reminder of the truth. Because their 'monster' tells them all sorts of lies during their MLC.
cheers Benn
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My spousetold my grndtr i did not want him anymore so he is still blaming. My question is the more indpendent i seem to get the angrier h gets. So should i act needier so he doesnt think i am leaving him,in the dust lol
definitely not!
continue to have a great and victorious life. You can easily say "our grand daughter said that you said i dont want you anymore....this is completely untrue. I want you but i dont need you. I will have a wonderful life with you or without you, and you are choosing for it to be without you. How you respond to that is up to you."
said in a kind manner and with love will be very powerful.
James Dobson recommends putting things in writing so they can look back at them in the dark times as a reminder of the truth. Because their 'monster' tells them all sorts of lies during their MLC.
cheers Benn
Good advice.
Mine also said he needed to be needed. I think he wanted me to be hopeless without him. Co-dependant. This is their dysfunction. Interdependence is not being 'needy'. He has chosen his path but like is so common, it needs to be blamed on an external cause. Writing it down is good. I have kept all the texts in a file on my computer in case it is ever required.
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Just posted a question on my thread - not urgent just would like more experienced LBS viewpoints... Thanks
Bear in mind that H has also asked me to release part of his equity in our house - see my thread from October 14th.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3977.125
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I've been receiving support for a few months from the forum but it's been a week or so that i get no responses except for a couple of very short posts.
I'm going through a even more trying time, as my H is in monster and I'm not quite sure how to handle this. He is putting me in a difficult financial situation and my attorney is just sucking me dry of money I should be using to live on.
I'm scared and I need to have some advice regarding the situation from other women who have dealt with monster. My Mlcer is unrecognizable ...completely a different person. It's unbelievable! Please help. Sw
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4147.10
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Question - I know that hubby is out looking for new playmates this week end. I have proof of it. Now he is trying to get OW back by declaring his love. How can he love her if he is out looking for new playmates constantly. I am confused.
Direction on this please.
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Question - I know that hubby is out looking for new playmates this week end. I have proof of it. Now he is trying to get OW back by declaring his love. How can he love her if he is out looking for new playmates constantly. I am confused.
Direction on this please.
Even though MLCers can appear completely obsessed about the other person, it is not because of who they are, but because of how they make the MLCer feel (the hero, adored etc).
Most of us eventually find out that our MLCers tried their strange behaviours on with a few different people, but it was this particular OW who was willing to take the bait and become involved with a married person in crisis.
That is why we say that this person is not special, and is a band aid fix for our MLCers.
As their relationship is tumultuous, there are often many break ups. If the MLCer is still in replay, they will instantly look for other people to fill the gap, or use this to make the other person jealous, to win them back.
These other people also play the same games with our MLCers. It's all part of the dysfunction and the emotional manipulation.
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our wives/husbands are connecting with people who dont know that its wrong to get involved with a married person. Their moral code is sufficiently under developed that they cant see the issues in that.
if our partners were in a good place they would end the relationship with us calmly and divorce, then proceed to find another available partner after they were properly divorced.
however they search for a replacement before leaving, not realizing that this sows the seeds of distrust in the relationship they are going to.....97% of affair relationships fail & 75% of second marriages, 78% of 3rd.
So the odds get pretty bad for them.
We must trust that whoever they are connecting with is low on morals, couldnt make their first relationship work (if it is a second or thrid relationship) that the odds of success are very low.
Who do we want to be when they come out the other end?
if they are in an affair then they are still in replay stage, which is fairly early in the MLC.
cheers
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New thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4178.0