Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: jos1.9 on August 04, 2013, 09:14:20 AM
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HI
I am trying to find on the internet if a traumatic childhood increases the likelihood of MLC? So my question to this forum is 'Did your MLCer have a traumatic childhood?'
My MLCer has only recently told me that when he was a small child he would wake up in the night to hear his parents physically fighting and hitting each other. He has never shared this with me before and we were married for 21 years.
In a recent argument that we had he put his hands up as if to shield his face and begged 'please don't hit me'. I was shocked and I said to him 'Why would you think that I would hit you, I've not hit you before why do you think that now?'
Obviously cos he is a MLCer and he doesn't like questions (AKA pressure) he avoided answering me.
Are there any resources anywhere that I can read to see if a traumatic / unhappy childhood increases likelihood of MLC ?
Thnx
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I don't know about likelihood but, my H had a childhood from a storybook. His family was not perfect for sure but he grew up in a mountain town with two parents who loved each other and their kids. They were good parents and he has no complaints in that department. He spent his days playing outside til the street lights came on and he has memories of building rafts and catapults and rubber band guns with his father. So as for me and my particular situation, no it was not really a factor.
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From RCR's article Midlife Crisis Takes Time
In Brief, MLC is about unresolved issues from childhood or adolescence. The MLCer must now resolve these issues and reintegrate the fragmented portions of the Self. Since these are issues of a younger person, they need to be resolved by that younger Self--thus the MLCer will regress in age.
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My w had a very traumatic childhood. Parents separated & divorced twice. Her mom I think suffered MLC too the extreme. During this time they bounced around alot(moved 52 times before we met). She was abused at a young age and witnessed her siblings be abused. I think that part of her has always been waiting for me to hurt her and now is trying to force it to happen because she feels not worth it. Deep deep wounds and to not be able to help is terrible.
She has said her childhood was fine and has nothing to do with this---ummm ok. Long road ahead for sure.
Interesting topic that I'll follow along too.
If not traumatic childhood then I think the others might be unrealistic expectations growing up (per suit of perfection)
Good topic
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HI, i think my h mlc means he has gone back to about 16/17 when he was a teenager. at that time his dad was so controlling of him and his mother almost ignored him really in favour of his older brother. NOw he is regresssed teenager controlling (although) not very well, his life and getting all the attention from his parents. NOt sure what he has to figure out though. x
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Mr. X's childhood was not something out of d!ckens but there were certainly traumatic aspects to it.
He was very intelligent but had severe dyslexia which made school a horror for him. He failed his way through elementary and junior high causing his mother, who highly valued academic achievement, to become extremely angry with him. He would hide his tests with their failing marks on them when he was in elementary school (under his mattress) and when his mother discovered them she beat him black and blue.
His mother returned to college full time when he was about 8 or 9 and she was pretty much unavailable for mothering duties resulting in her son going to school with no lunch, in mismatched shoes and un-ironed shirts (this was the 1950s when such things mattered!) He would be teased and even shamed by his classmates and, once, one of his teachers, for his appearance.
One of his sisters recently told me he was extremely bullied in the public high school he attended for his freshman year. I had known it had been a rough year for him, but his sister told me much more than he ever had (she was in the year ahead of him.) It was so bad she told me she begged her mother to send him to a nearby private school. His parents ended up doing that and his last 3 years of high school were his best K-12 education experience.
When he was around 12 he began experiencing what he called "night terrors." He was unable to sleep in his own room because of it (he described them as waking nightmares) and slept on the floor of his parents bedroom instead. I don't know how long that went on but it was more than just a few occasions according to what he described to me.
I know his parents took him to a therapist at some point during this period. He only talked to me about it (during our 38 years together) a few times. He seemed to not remember much about the therapy sessions.
His relationship with his father was distant. He admired his father and longed for his dad's approval but felt like he never received it. His father used to tell him he was "the laziest (racial slur) God ever made."
We met and got married when he was 22. He went on to become a military aviator, earned a master's in engineering from a prestigious university, became an engineer and very successful entrepreneur, founding two companies. A big part of his drive, I always felt, was to prove to his parents he was worthy or their love and respect.
His father passed away 28 years ago, his mom 8. I believe his MLC began after his mom's death.
How sad.
TMHP
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Well thank you for the replies.
My H also felt like his relationship with his father was distant as he was growing up and he also longed for his dad's approval and involvement. My H would always tell me 'My dad would buy me anything I wanted as a kid - bikes, scooters, go-carts but never had time to spend or play with me, however he would always be involved with other peoples kids'.
When our two Ds were born my H continued to have a distant relationship with his dad and would regularly bad-mouth him to me saying what a crap grandad he is to our two Ds because he never spends any time with them.
Now since my H left he is suddently best friends with his dad. They see each other regularly now whereas before they rarely saw each other. In a telephone conversation with my H last month when I raised the possibility of reconciling his response was
H 'We can't get back together now I just don't trust you anymore'
Me 'Well do you trust anyone at the moment?'
H 'No I don't trust anyone only my dad'
Me 'Really? you have always bad-mouthed him for the past 21 years for being a crap dad and grandad'
H No response.
For background information my H's mum and dad were divorced 21 years ago just after my H and I were married. My H's mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the back end of 2012. This was about the time my H started emotionally withdrawing from me.
Any thoughts ?
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My H's mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the back end of 2012. This was about the time my H started emotionally withdrawing from me.
The death of a parent seems to have been the trigger in my husband's MLC as well as others on this site.
Regarding trauma in childhood, I would refer you to Eric Erikson's stages of life development and the developmental tasks that need to be met in order to incorporate as a whole person. During these stages, it doesn't necessarily have to be something "traumatic" to prevent the person from successfully completing the tasks, it could be a hospitalization, the birth of a sibling anything that may not seem significant to others but somehow, at that point in development was extremely important to the child. Just my honest opinion.
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Ah yes, here we are again with similarities. I am convinced my H had something happen in his childhood that badly affected him. I am in touch with my BIL still and have had conversations with him. I know they had a very disciplinarian father and my guess is that sometimes he was a little too heavy handed. Also I gather the M was somewhat distant. A toxic combination.
My H once spoke also of having 'left it all behind him' when he left home. Left what behind, is my question? What went on. I know this is part of what H will inevitably have to deal with, if he so chooses and if running away from it ceases to work, if he is to end up a happy man . . .
UKS
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jos
They have no coping skills and when a trigger like terminal cancer comes along they must rely on a crutch. Alcohol drugs running avoidance....sliding into a chasm of thinking.
The quicksand has them and we can't help.
Not now. They have to figure a way to grab a branch and get out themselves! ::) ::) ::) ::)
Oh and THEY are not known for their speed! :P
My Hs Dad died in a car accident when H was 17. Every other sibling had gone away to prestigious universities. H played rock and roll instead. :o When his Mom 95 years old almost died and moved in with us he ran away with the girl from the store.
Now it's BAD! 30 months later...... been pretty bad all along!
His Moms good. Hung out with her yesterday. ;D
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Nice that you're still close with your MIL, Mamma Bear. Mine's cut me off (!).
Nice to meet you, as I get the impression you are something of a celebrity on here.... and that you have quite a following. 8)
UKS
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My H is the youngest in his family. He has two older sisters and a brother.When he was about four his parents had some kind of turmoil going on and the kids were sent to live with their dads mom. I don't know for how long or anything else. I do know that he was the grandmothers favorite. She loved my H too pieces.
My H dad became angry with his mom about how to raise the kids or something along that line. They never spoke again. So for about 30 years or so my H dad never spoke to his mom again.
When I met my H he was 16 or 17 ,living in a boys home, waiting to go to court. He had left his home or got kicked out. Lived with friends or on the street pretty much. At one point he lived with one of his sisters. He was into drugs and drinking. Doing whatever he pleased. Then we met and had a baby when he was 18 and I was 16. He had no contact at that time with any of his family.
My mom took him in and became his foster mom to help him get state help. When our D was born I got him to contact his family to try and reconnect. He has been distant with them over the years. His grandmother died when he was away out of state doing training for the military. He couldn't attend her funeral.
He has been deployed to Iraq. Before he went we had just started reconnecting due to my own MIL ,I had gone through. When he got back from Iraq he went right back to life. There was no time off for him We couldn't afford it. We have gone through bankruptcy, then he came up with this plan to D to get ALL his retirement savings. It was the only way to get the whole lump sum and we needed to pay off our debt. I did not want to do it. The money came to me and we used it to pay off things. He left about four or five months later.
His trauma early on left him with abandonment issues and he didn't learn coping skills. He keeps things bottled up and drinks to get rid of demons. Which we all know doesn't do anything. So everything finally caught up with him and he took off.
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I believe it absolutely is part of my husbands pain. At age 3 1/2 he saw ( and heard) his father beat his mother nearly to death .He saw family members struggle to save her and take knife from him. my husband never saw his mother again.. he grew up thinking she was dead. They tell me he was close enough to have blood on his sleeper. He was told at 14 that she was alive but still did not meet her until he was 25. he was raised by violent alcoholic and left home at 14. He slept on football coaches couch for 2 years... He has much to resolve. He is still at home with me... only barely. He is in therapy weekly. the therapist told me there are atleast 4 significant indicators of pending midlife crisis:
1. Men who strongly tire identity to there job.. " I am CEO, or I am Lawyer" ( retirement is very scarey as it would be loss of identity)
2. Men who are very proud of masculine looks... muscle man, strong as a bear, buff kinda physically strong there whole life .. football player types.. It is very difficult to face chubby and balding for some of these men
3 unresolved trauma from childhood
4 men who are avoiders of emotions, bury them and you never see them... ever. They meet everyones needs and never their own ( a trait of adult children of alcoholic
There therapist tells me that my husband is affected in every category 100% profoundly. I agree . And He is struggling in a way I cannot bare to watch some days...
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http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/04/opinion/sunday/the-trauma-of-being-alive.html?hp
So, if you are far into the journey and still feeling pain- you are normal:)
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Jos, my husband also had what I would consider from the outside looking in a "good" childhood. His parents' marriage was intact, he didn't suffer trauma or abuse, nothing that would seem overtly negative. However, there is something there that is more emotional pain - lack of feeling validated, control issues, etc. Sounds like your husband's childhood may have been the same way. There doesn't have to be something major or overtly traumatic to cause the crisis (though that often is the case). There is just something from their childhoods that causes them to miss pieces in their emotional development and they fall to pieces in midlife and the damage falls on us.
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Both parents of my H were always big alcohol drinkers when he was growing up. Not to the extent of alcoholics but they were always in the Pub.
The mum of H (who is now terminally ill with cancer) has been on anti-depressants for all her adult life. One sister of my H is on anti-depressants and sometimes valium. When I suggested in April 2013 that H should see GP about his depression / stress he monstered and screamed 'I am not like my M and S' -
I also forgot that in addition to the night sweats my H had a racing heart and he went to the Hospital and put one of those monitors on him for 24 hours but it didn't find anything physically wrong with his heart during the 24 hours that he wore it.
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FTT
That was a really good article. I keep thinking that its been 3 years. I should be "over it".
Thanks for posting. The article really made sense for me
L
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Thank you for posting the article FTT. Though I feel detached, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get over the destruction H left in his wake. iHh
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Mourning, however, has no timetable. Grief is not the same for everyone. And it does not always go away. The closest one can find to a consensus about it among today’s therapists is the conviction that the healthiest way to deal with trauma is to lean into it, rather than try to keep it at bay
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Loved this! We have said this a great deal that it is vital that we feel and deal with the pain rather than hiding. This hurts, it hurts our kids and it hurts our extended families and friends.
Thanks for sharing.
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Limitless, I posted it for you:)
We´re going to have triggers for life. I just hope my trigger set decreases over time.
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Thank you for the article FTT.
One cannot just be done and each of us has different ways/need different time frames to be "done", detached, healed or any other thing this journey demands/requires.
3 years may be enough for one person but may not be enough for another. Trying to rush ourselves will only hurt us more and do us no good.
Do we, at times, also self medicate, just like the MLCer? We do. We're human, at first many of us have no idea what we are dealing with, we made mistakes, we get back on our feet.
I would always be more worried with a LBS that would be over it in 6 months or a year than with one who, after several years, still feels hurt, even if a different pain from the early times.
The psychiatrist in the text says " trauma never goes away completely", my friend who is a psychiatrists has told me the same. It seems a residual, or at times not so residual, portion remains with us.
Most people manage to learn to navigate around it/with it, some aren't so lucky.
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Thank you for posting that FTT. I know so many of us are acutely aware of the physical manifestations of the long term trauma and stress from this situation we are dealing with.
I wonder if society's rush to push us to 'move on' - doesn't help us to properly 'lean' into our trauma and fully process it over time?
I think it is so important to be gentle with ourselves, and do this on our own timelines.
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Thank you FTT. This was exactly what I needed right now, especially with H trying to make me feel guilty for not "letting him go" in an emotional sense and others looking at me as if I'm mad for still feeling the pain 2.5+ years later. I've heard a few times recently, in a caring way, "it's time to move on just like your H..." :'( :'( The article absolutely validates how I feel and, although I realise that it's not how I want to feel for the rest of my life, it needs to be faced and dealt with rather than glossed over or buried. The article gives me the strength to say, "this is what I feel, respect it! I don't expect anything from you but I do want to own my own feelings and no longer be responsible for your guilt."
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Thanks for posting this, FTT. I'm not sure I completely agree about trauma "not going away completely" and part of the reason for this is the differing perspectives between psychiatrists and psychologists (I work with both). Psychiatrists are primarily MEDICAL doctors who focus primarily on medication management and in this country are mostly influenced by the American Psychiatric Association. I hate to say it, but it serves their interest for people to never get over certain things or to accept that a problem will be a problem forever. Many psychiatrists dont seem to believe that people "get better" unfortunately. in the story, the guy's mother had never dealt with the trauma and for this reason it still affected her. i would say that once one learns to see how the trauma has affected them and how to deal with the triggers then the trauma is overcome. It's often the "thinking errors" we acquire following traumatic experiences that follow us into later years and haunt us like ghosts of the past.
That all being said, we all grieve at our own rate and are products of all of our experiences. I often feel as if I will always be hurt and sad but that's illogical. We all CAN move past that if we truly face our pains and fears and do the work to overcome them. This needs to be done whether we R or not. But, no, I don't think trauma lasts forever in most cases and I do feel that we can all "get better" once we find the right path.
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Thanks FTT, an aptly timed article for me!! 4 Years in and i still am still not there.
I believe that it never fully goes away. You cannot erase memories and memories create feelings. +ve and -ve. We deliberately remonise for example in order to recall postive feelings.
As life goes on -ve trauma memories can be awakened by subconcius triggers. The feelings associated may be diminished and the associated feelings last only seconds, but they never go away. I think that we develop the ability to supress what is not required at any given time. IMO.
SD
x
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adding this link as it is trauma, but to the MLCer.
http://news.yahoo.com/study-gives-clues-course-cte-athletes-201055798.html