Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: in it on September 12, 2013, 04:43:46 AM
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Although the heart icon may not be appropriate..maybe that and a mirror would works also.
No contact sounds severe by most people's standards. But if you really need a break from all of this drama, games, and insanity this is the only way to that I've found to get it.
I understand that the people on here with Vanishers are in pain also. It's hard for me to understand right about now.
I guess I never had anyone leave unexpectedly and create a loss except for my dad when he died twenty years ago.
I had only left the hospital for 15 minutes when the Dr called to tell me he was gone. No warning that was going to happen; wasn't told he was that sick.
And although I had just gotten married within that last year to that Mlcer I was dealing with he kept telling me NOT TO CRY.
So I never really got to grieve the loss of my father. I'm working on that also and keeping his spirit and memory alive.
He wasn't perfect either- his behavior caused my mother great pain at one time.
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I found that going through all this MLC crap dredged up everything that maybe I hadn't properly grieved about in the past or had lost. Even though mine is a Vanisher, there still would be plenty of excuses to contact her, such as updates on the kids, joint assets/maintenance etc...but I decided early on any contact with her was just ripping off a scab, I figured I'd already been through enough, the less I knew about her new life the better. I highly reccomend NC, the longer it goes on, the easier it gets...
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I found that going through all this MLC crap dredged up everything that maybe I hadn't properly grieved about in the past or had lost
That's it Braveheart..
Think about your life and what you can learn about yourself and what's happened in it. It might be painful to admit some of those things to yourself but If you've lived through this ....you'll live through that too.
NC definitely has a great deal of benefits.
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I also went NC, with mine,, it has help me, every time I talk to her I was ripped into again and again sometimes I wonder if it wasthe right thing to do, but I know when I do t alk to her I am in pain all over again
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I also went NC, with mine,, it has help me, every time I talk to her I was ripped into again and again sometimes I wonder if it wasthe right thing to do, but I know when I do t alk to her I am in pain all over again
That's it in a nutshell. On another note, what your friend was trying to tell you in a crude way about " the best way to get over a woman" is that you have all your recollections of happiness tied up with your X, you need to create new ones that make you realize that you can be happy again without her.
I have been out to many dances, charity galas and parties, but never hooked up with anyone else, but just getting out on my own and having other people (men and women) be glad of my company makes me realize there is a life without my X. I never realized how much of myself I'd submerged in my married life until this last year or so......It does get better.
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That's what socializing does for me also.
If you still like people in your life you are going to be just fine. I think the people who may have a tendency to become so embittered that they shut everyone else out have a harder time with this kind of challenge.
That's why NC to me seems rude or harsh for me to do the first time around. I didn't want to be "rude" to the MLcer or give the impression I didn't care about what was going on with him. But the stuff he said WOW. :o :o and OWWWWW!!!!
I'm just not into the pain of all that this time. He can come to his own conclusions about me not talking, emailing or any other form of communication. I sent one last very clear email and haven't been bothered since.
Going this long without contact is kind of like making deposits in the bank and I feel like with one interaction it may deplete everything I have saved up for.
I feel stronger and better everyday. It's like anything..in my case I was somewhat "addicted" to the mistreatment because I didn't have a clue what it was like to be treated with respect.
Now I'm giving MYSELF the respect. It's going to take a while to heal due to the total disbelief of all of it being a reality..but it is. And it's a NEW reality and after all the time I spent trying to "make" it work it is difficult to come to terms with.
Everyone may backslide have a moment where we think "Sh!T! They reeled me in again"
This is where the trick of the head space and memories come in for me. The triggers are fading..and when they show up I just turn them around into something else. SOMETHING POSITIVE just for me.
Humor REALLY helps! I love it when a thread gets Hijacked and funny stuff gets said about whatever!
And by the way I don't consider this "MY thread" it's open to anyone who wants to share something. I'd like to keep a focus on the No Contact topic but you never know when someone might just post something that's a "light bulb" for someone else. :D
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That's what socializing does for me also.
If you still like people in your life you are going to be just fine. I think the people who may have a tendency to become so embittered that they shut everyone else out have a harder time with this kind of challenge.
That's why NC to me seems rude or harsh for me to do the first time around. I didn't want to be "rude" to the MLcer or give the impression I didn't care about what was going on with him. But the stuff he said WOW. :o :o and OWWWWW!!!!
I'm just not into the pain of all that this time. He can come to his own conclusions about me not talking, emailing or any other form of communication. I sent one last very clear email and haven't been bothered since.
Going this long without contact is kind of like making deposits in the bank and I feel like with one interaction it may deplete everything I have saved up for.
I feel stronger and better everyday. It's like anything..in my case I was somewhat "addicted" to the mistreatment because I didn't have a clue what it was like to be treated with respect.
Now I'm giving MYSELF the respect. It's going to take a while to heal due to the total disbelief of all of it being a reality..but it is. And it's a NEW reality and after all the time I spent trying to "make" it work it is difficult to come to terms with.
Everyone may backslide have a moment where we think "Sh!T! They reeled me in again"
This is where the trick of the head space and memories come in for me. The triggers are fading..and when they show up I just turn them around into something else. SOMETHING POSITIVE just for me.
Humor REALLY helps! I love it when a thread gets Hijacked and funny stuff gets said about whatever!
And by the way I don't consider this "MY thread" it's open to anyone who wants to share something. I'd like to keep a focus on the No Contact topic but you never know when someone might just post something that's a "light bulb" for someone else. :D
I just have a mantra that now just pops into my head when ever I have doubts, "This a woman who left even her child behind to be with some guy she met on the internet".... it works for me.
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"Going this long without contact is kind of like making deposits in the bank and I feel like with one interaction it may deplete everything I have saved up for."
I so relate to this and it pisses me off when I have to talk with h and I have to start from square one again. ::)
Braveheart - crazy how they can leave for someone they don't even know. My h walked away from his 3 month old baby and never looked back. H knew OW for no more then 2 months. :o ::) No respect for this guy.
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I so relate to this and it pisses me off when I have to talk with h and I have to start from square one again. ::)
Wow then you are in the trenches. I didn't even realize I was doing that to myself! So you are so much further ahead!! How do you communicate? Do you have to talk face to face?
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The peace of of this topic can bring is incredible.
I thought about what I've just been through tonight and I'm so glad I don't have him around to deal with. I can cry and have a beer and do whatever I want. If I was still with him I'd have to bottle all of that up.
Of course I'm one step further..I'm out of the house.
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my h walked away for someone he didnt know either and i cant believe that to this day he had known her a couple of days then said he had to do this within a month, told our son didnt care if he never saw him again?? this all totally out the blue we had holiday planned for same year our regular trip no warning whatsover.
this is the worst pain i have ever felt apart from my dad dying twenty two years ago, so get how you all feel crazy stuff innit ?? x
need to sleep now night night
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This story I'm telling is about the most incredible one yet.
My friends mothers father met someone on a business trip. She sang him a song about being sick with cancer. He called his wife on the phone and said he HAD to help her.
This wife had 3 children at home ( my friends mother being one of them).
This man ( my friends mothers father) knew her for two hours and threw away more than thirty years of a marriage.
His wife told him not to come home. She divorced him.
He did come back a year or so later after the woman he met died..at least she was telling the truth. ::)
I remember hearing stories about people going out for a loaf of bread and never coming back..there's just no sense to be made out of some of this.
, told our son didnt care if he never saw him again??
This is one of the cruelest things I've ever seen written. Tell you son to STAY AWAY FROM HIM ALSO.
this is the worst pain i have ever felt apart from my dad dying twenty two years ago, so get how you all feel crazy stuff innit ?? x
You have to LET YOURSELF feel it if you NEVER did. Think about where your life was at at the time that this happened. If H's isn't around let yourself feel it. Most of the time the shock of it all is what numbs the pain.
Mine was TOTALLY unexpected. If you had to operate like I did being an only child you may have to have handled everything emotional and the details.
If not and you had a support system it may not have been too bad having other people to grieve with. You don't necessarily need to re-live it but if it's possible.. try to acknowledge it.
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I so relate to this and it pisses me off when I have to talk with h and I have to start from square one again. ::)
Wow then you are in the trenches. I didn't even realize I was doing that to myself! So you are so much further ahead!! How do you communicate? Do you have to talk face to face?
I have to see h once or twice a week when he picks up the kids. I am hoping soon I can just send the kids out o meet him and I don't have to see him or interact with him at all. I try not to get into anything deep with him face to face. I email him if I have things we need to discuss but lately he is such an email monster that I have to stop pretty much all contact. H is so irrational, I just can't talk with the guy.
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my son is only child also and he was SO close to his dad before all this mlc , now doesnt want to see his dad too hurt, it hurts me also seeing this rift between tem, my h would NEVER have hurt him like this before.
he keeps texting son now but son wont respond ,,,that hurts me too. i think how crazy this is to leave your family after such a long time , they have fsmily at home yet go to see other person ok thats what my h did said she was having a hard time so he rang her after holiday to see she was ok????(she gave him her phone number )
its getting mad now thinking about it again , i know they say ow is a symptom but she knew he was married yet still did that and i really do not like her or him at this moment !!!!!!!
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its getting mad now thinking about it again , i know they say ow is a symptom but she knew he was married yet still did that and i really do not like her or him at this moment !!!!!!!
Well the line this exow gave him was ; she didn't get involved with "married" men. He fixed that problem divorced me but before two months was up thier relationship was over with anyway. She was an exit affair. He just wanted out.
And that would have been fine ..HAD HE LEFT ME ALONE THE FIRST TIME. But the phone calls, emails, stopping in at work, dropping by where I lived the CONSTANT DRAMA threw me off balance and kept me worried about him.
THAT"s why this NO CONTACT is a God send.
Well MAG that's good stay away from him as much as possible. And an email can be ignored or read and easily not responded to. If he's become abusive print them out and save them. You might be able to have him at least ticketed for harassment or something.
They want things this way then act like we are the problem because we don't want to "play games" anymore. BOO HOO.
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Hi
I dont think I mind the contact with my h now, I did have to go NC at times when I was getting dragged into it all and getting hurt but feel I can cope now.
Having said that so far I have been reasonably lucky I havent had to deal with anything really bad.
Contact for me now gives me little insights into h spinning around trying to make himself HAPPY, that thing he cant find and continues to look for, I can tell he is still looking by the crazy things he does.
Ow still bothers me, not because I think she means anything but because of the damage it has caused our marriage, the kind of damage that marriages dont recover from.
She could have been anyone I get that, but thats not the point, my h has tarnished everything that is the point.
Do I blame ow, oh no I blame h, he let it happen, he is a married man and shouldnt have gone there, she is not my concern, he is.
Ooh I am liking this, bit of a vent here for me and it feels good lol.
So NC it is for us and is very good when you need time out, time to get your head together because the mlcer will keep it cycling with them if you let them.
x
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Vent ..it helps.
I'm not interested in knowing what's going on because it went physically violent for me- I ended up having x-rays. I couldn't care less what's wrong with him.
Do I blame ow, oh no I blame h, he let it happen, he is a married man and shouldnt have gone there, she is not my concern, he is.
And I blame him also...FOR THE INITIAL MESS. But when things went totally nuts like her moving in two weeks after the divorce was final...THAT WAS HER FAULT.
He can cycle himself wherever he wants... I'm done with him :)
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I also blame h for everything. OW is a symptom and definitely has a PD of some sort and h will see this sometime soon. ;D. I have some angry with h and staying away from him is good for everyone. My kids need to try to form some kind of relationship with their dad and me being involved doesn't help right now. H has yet to take D1 out but he seems to be trying somewhat with the older kids.
Crazyjourney- I hope one day soon I will be so detached from h's crisis that I can have contact again. Time heals and that is definitely what I need...so much stronger with NC.
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This about contact from Heart Tattoo today:
Thanks for the welcome, Musica. I was glad to see your recent post & catch up with your story. While much is the same with most of us, there are those unique characteristics & your H's hanging about must be such a challenge. Mine is almost the opposite. I see so little of H, that I still have no idea how to relate to him when I do see him & dealing with this new dimension of our R is disorienting. I got to such a stronger place when I didn't see him for three months. My IC says though, that while I might feel better when I don't see him, I will be doing better when I can see him & not have the interactions sending me up & down. That has been the challenge of our last encounter.
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Hey calamity, I so get that. ::). I think with h seeing the kids all the time, I will always have an opportunity to speak with h, if I want. Again it is detaching and maybe you need to feel his crisis a bit to help detach. I think each time h gets me cycling I detach a bit more. I enjoy my NC but know to heal I need to experience what is going on and not hide from it. I know with LBS who have vanishers healing will be very different. I think my h would be a vanisher if it weren't for the kids.
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My situation is differnt in reagrds to dealing with him.
The violence and emotional abuse isn't something I'm interested in so I want him to simply leave me alone which is so far so good...but I know him and I'm not sure how much longer it will last.
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148 days since I have not seen or pretty much heard from the exmlcer.
Emails two or three back when I moved at the end of June. That's it.
It's like I'm living a totally different life then I did back then..I am actually. I'm FREE free of the control and the games and all of the crap they dish out and expect us to eat!
I guess what I'm afraid of now is that I will forget...forget his total lack of respect for me or concern. And I do not EVER want to see him again. I don't know how realistic I am being. I hate it when the doubts creep in.
There's no doubt I want nothing to do with him. I'm unwilling to forgive because that to me just seems to make it "OK" what he did.
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Post on Still have Hopes thread:
. I'm realizing now that the break was the best thing for me. You get to a point where yes, you may risk having too much distance between you however you do it for YOU. Not to get him back or make him think twice.
You do it because it's the last choice you have to your mental well-being. I think it's our own form of rock bottom as the LBS. And then you start to change your mindset.
What things do YOU want to do or NOT want to do. What do you want to eat for dinner? There are benefits to being single (even with young kids).
When you are alone it's your time and you get to fill it with the things that you love. This takes time but if you get through the hard part you will start to see that.
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How Life Works — There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein
Are you doing the same things, the same way, over and over again and expecting different results?
I stumbled across this poem, “There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk,” by Portia Nelson. The poem creates an analogy between life and a journey down a sidewalk. This made me think about the choices we make in life. How many times do we keep making choices that only lead us into the same “hole in the sidewalk?”
There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk
– by Portia Nelson
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault… I get out immediately.
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
Expect setbacks... but if you are losing your mind? Try No contact or at least dark.
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Omg i have been reeled in yet again am shaking as I write this he has been saying about getting back together then denies it now he is blaming everything on me i have pushed him away over last 18moths if i loved him i would have showed him , i am a nasty person wtf
i am not do they ever reconcile when it has been so horrible , i cant believe he has done this 180 since we were together and he blames me i really feel i gonna have a nervous breakdown
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That's HIS objective! STOP LISTENING TO HIM!!!
They do NOT want to take any responsibility for ANYTHING!!
HE KNOWS he can make a PUPPET out of your emotions. STOP LISTENING TO HIM.
BREATHE try and calm yourself.
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Aw in it why is it so hard to let go and detach i thought i was doing so well, i am trying to breathe and ignore but is so hard i really feel i am going la la too
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YOU ARE DOING GREAT! EXPECT SETBACKS!! Now go dark or as NC as close as you can.
YOU are much stronger than you were before!
You are NOT going to La La he's TRYING to send you. You do not HAVE to GO. Don't let him play on YOUR FEARS!
((( HUGS)))))
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thank you in it I am trying I keep reading and seeing RCR information saying about replay, i dont think i can cope with this being such a long road , I know he is not himself but I just cant believe the cruelty and nastiness and the ow being the saint ,
he wants to remember the person i was because i so horrible now ???? but he chose to walk away from the lovely person I was that he wants to remember and all our happy times build up to holidays going on holliday sitting watching movies together?? but he walked away from all that he is going back to ow this week for his ten days off so wont have any contact i know he has made another offer to solictitor so will find out what that is when i get home and no doubt be stressed again
but i am coping bettre thanks to you all and my son who keeps saying listen to everyone else and DO NOT text him back you are just feeding his ego??
hugs back and thank you xx
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EXACTLY!! As long as he can engage you in ANYTHING it just keeps the feed going. Listen to your son.
Now we are going to enjoy 10 days OFF.
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bump
Full moon is on it's way folks..expect anything..get strong for the holidays!
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http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/12/09/emotional-detachment-when-the-no-contact-rule-is-not-an-option/
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Self healing-
I have a magnet on my refrigerator.
The part not in parenthesis is the original wording the part in parenthesis I have added as it applied in the MLC situation I dealt with::
Rules to Remember
1 Respect yourself- and others ( Be a mirror. Shown respect? Return respect..
Shown disrespect? Protect yourself by any means)
2, Think before you speak ( Remember whatever you say they may not remember at all, but if they do? Chances are they will apply thier own spin)
3 Listen to one another ( No monsters please-walk away, hang up, do not answer emails, texts, go NC if necessary)
4 Smile first ( Makes everyone wonder what you are up too)
5 Be happy with what you have ( Might be tough for some but there is always something to be grateful or thankful for no matter how small)
6 Say please and thank you ( always)
7 Try and do your best ( Your best may be doing nothing)
8 Be patient, kind, and forgiving ( Refer to the first part of rule one; do not be doormat either)
9 Think good thoughts ( Negative self talk will undermine your peace of mind)
10 Never give up (Letting go is not giving up)
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Thanksgiving is coming...try to stay sane. ((((Hugs))))
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Trying Init! Congrats on the job!
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BUMP!!!!
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Last stop to get off the Crazy Train!!
Try today!! tomorrow don't answer the phone or anything else.
Have a peaceful loving grateful SANE Thanksgiving!
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bump
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I'm going to try to bump this thread for the next three days...Christmas is coming please if you haven't done this yet..try NC for a couple of days
((((Hugs))))
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BUMP
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Thanks for posting those rules to remember In It. I will read them daily.
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I'm trying to keep them bumped to the top as much as possible.
If people start on page 1 of this thread it might help more. Take no abuse this Christmas folks...
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thank you in it
may i take this opportunity to thank you for all your advice and support on this site and to wish you a really happy christmas hugs hdic xx
and also to everyone on this site who is going through this nightmare ,x
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Hugs to you HDIC.. you need a much stronger name for the New Year!
You are doing Great!
(((((hugs)))))
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i will try to think of one in it , and thank you :)
hugs xx
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http://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-no-contact-rule/
I thought this site had some pretty good logic involved with NC.
Please excuse the "exboyfriend recovery" guys..I think this can apply to either gender..also has something to say about what to do when you have kids together
(((Hug)))
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Try to stay as calm and peaceful as you can if you have to deal with them.
If you have managed to stay NC please for your own peace of mind and sanity do this again today.
Merry Peaceful Christmas...and God Bless..
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hi IN it
hope you had a good day i went to my sisters NC with h and tried my hardest not to think of him and the ugly trollop together.
had sarcastic text from FIL this morning but not unexpected and didnt let hi spoil my day , my son got me the most beuatiful card and some lovely presents.
my sister sent me a text to say was lovely seeing me and son and alway s such fun too so that made me feel good and i just thought H YOU know exactly what you will be missing becuase as my son said in his card I ALWAYS MADE CHRISTMAS , he wont have that this year HIS LOSS.......
I hope everyone else had a lovely day thinking of you all with love hdic xx
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HIS LOSS IS RIGHT!!!
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On January 28 it will be 9 months I have had NO CONTACT with the ex.
After a 30+ year relationship.
I have never felt better emotionally in my LIFE! I know some here have been longer than that and some are just starting to try this technique. In my case IT WORKS.
This is not a punishment for them. It is done by YOU and for YOU to gain all of the "self's" back. ( or maybe for the first time)
Self Respect
Self Esteem
Self Love
Self WORTH
Happy New year..it could be a New Years resolution to at least try it. It might just save your sanity. ;)
(((((Hugs everybody)))))
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First NC with my wife on NYE in 15 years. She's grazing in "greener" pastures.
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I was married for 28 years, I am now 26 months post BD, D was 4 months ago, xH was a non clingy boomerang. H always initiated contact every 1 to 2 weeks since BD. Recently he has been verbally abusive and cruel, I have been extremely polite and I decided it was not in my best interest or that of my children to continue communication. I am now No Contact x 6 weeks. No contact was not something I wanted but I have decided that there is no justifiable reason to allow myself to be the victim of psychological cruelty.
Things my H said:
You are old (and then he pointed at a wrinkle)
The children are grown, I don't need you anymore. You are no longer useful to me.
Wash your face (when I was crying)
It is not in my best interest to stay with you. She can help my career. Her family likes me and they have connections.
Recently H had come in sleep at my house and said: "I am not here to see you, I am here to see them"
No contact was not planned, but after a few very sarcastic emails he sent me and some manipulative and misleading statements he made to friends which distorted facts, I realized that it was for the best.
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Yes- I'm sure most Mlcer's look at it as us "pouting" or being angry while they are being prevented by whatever boundaries are being enforced to whatever degree needed.
BECAUSE of course this is all about them.
What they fail to see is the total lack of respect they exhibit through actions and or words. After all if they are treating us this way what is our loss to begin with? They can't or won't listen to reason.
We have to realize they were gone a long time ago way before BD happened and nothing we could have done would have saved the relationship.
The focus for most of them seems to be more what MONEY and things they may lose due to thier decision. They have NO ability to look at the bigger picture.
NC is PROTECT us from anymore damage being inflicted. I truly feel this is the ONLY way for us to get a better perspective on the situation and to examine the relationship in hindsight.
Most of us focus on the good times and loss of a family whether it's a husband and wife or an entire family. This is the grief stage. It is necessary in order for us to cry GET SLEEP take care of ourselves and get stronger. And it may take a really long time do not rush yourself through this.
Then examine ourselves and gain a greater understanding of who we are and make the changes necessary to become someone who may make sound decisions about what kind of relationship we would like to see in the future. Whether with this person or someone else or maybe just get off the roller coaster for a while and spend time with ourselves, our children, and friends and family that do support and respect us.
Many of us may find out this will be OUR decision in the end whether we ever want anything to do with THEM.
I have found out who my friends are through all of this. And I am making new friends who are supportive of my situation.
I haven't much family that's why I clung to the situation for so long. All I ever wanted was my own family. BUT I've made every mistake known to man in regards to this. I should have put an NC boundary in place right off the bat. But I was focused on saving the family- not myself or the kids. HE's not the entire family.
But this wasn't my choice and I was forced to make the best of it. I'm not quite there yet but I'm working on it.
What's that saying?
"God's not finished with me yet ..I'm a work in progress"
For those of you who have your children with you. I can only pray God will help you through this. But you have to get off the roller coaster and focus on you and the kids. They are truly the lifetime relationship. You are the example of what how you would want THEM to handle the disrespect that's being shown.
After all in the future if this happens to them? Which one of the two of you do you think are going to be able to help them and advise them on how to conduct themselves.
These children deserve respect also and if they are old enough to know the TRUTH IMHO it's the only way to explain this to them.
MLC isn't an excuse..this could have been a transition instead but one or both people failed to work out thier own FOO issues which may have led to some character flaws to put it mildly. Lack of communication doesn't help. Please try to stop the cycle for the next generation.
Conducting yourself with some grace and dignity is essential in the situation.
As far as assets? Let the lawyers handle it.
This too shall pass. Protect and think of yourselves and what your next move is.
((((Hugs))))
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Bump
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In 30 days we will have been in NC for 4 years. I'm glad it worked out this way or I could see myself being stuck all wrapped up in his crap, STILL.
Now it's great. I think of him often with absolutely no anger or sadness just remembering the love we shared. I have completely forgiven him for his behaviors which set me free from all anger and resentments toward him.
I hope everyone can get to this place because life can be full of joy and happiness when we let go.
take care,
Lulu
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Great post In It. Doing my best to live by those words and it's helping. Feeling better day by day.
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I have gone NC as well since Nye and Suffered 3 days of threats regarding not having access to the kids. I also have had to go NC with D15. This is only temporary but I have been used by D15 who has been playing us both off in order to gain more freedom. I know everyone is going to say she is only a kid but she has been hanging with OM and W as they have allowed her to go to the pub with them. She needs to learn a lesson as well to prevent her growing up like W.
I am now getting voicemails and W has sent texts saying she has apologised via Vm but I have not read the whole text as I think it will set me back.
Who knows she might even be trying to reconnect. Either way I am determined to go at least three months Nc as I no longer wish to cycle with her anymore. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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I think this is what they thought I would do..the D's have shut me out so I would go to the ex to figure out what's going on. It ain't happening. That connection has been CUT.
A goal is a good thing! Setting time limits helps YOU to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Don't read the text- this is a real good indicator that YOU are not strong enough yet.
In the meantime- focus on what YOU need to do in order to garner respect from all of them. This is no easy thing to do. I've been NC with both of the D's for about 8 months now.
They were my life before all of this.
GOOD FOR YOU!
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I read the text....... She is apologising for saying I could not see the kids. She then said I have to text her back by 9 pm to confirm I will have the kids as normal or she would tell them I did not want to see them again. I did not read it until today so missed the deadline. I would not have responded anyway as I am sick of her threats. She also said that if I did not respond I will never hear from her again.
This is what she does. Gives a little then is just a nasty b#tch.
She did apologise for the hurt caused by her behaviour as well.
I will just continue with NC. I think I have to really or she has the power back.
Not sure what is going on with her. She knows what an amazing dad I am. Is she just using the kids for control. Maybe OM is getting pissed as without me the babysitter is unavailable and there will be no more money from me.
I am even more determined to hold out now. When will she realise that threatening me just makes her life worse.
She really is acting so badly right now. Sometimes I doubt it is MLC until she acts this way. She was so lovely and now she is nasty beyond belief. I hope the kids and others start seeing what a monster she has turned into.
If I was OM I would run a friggin mile!!
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She also said that if I did not respond I will never hear from her again.
You can only wish.... ::)
Don't give away your power is right!
OM needs to buy new sneakers...dumb bastard.
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My only advise would be a little careful how you treat co-parenting logistics when it comes to the children. Avoid drama when it comes to their well being as best you can.
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If there is NC there is no drama- this is the part where respect is learned and possibly a situation develops where kids see just how messed up the other parent is.
AND protects me from any more disrespectful things being said and to deal with which will damage me beyond repair of possible future relationships with the D's..
This is my reason for simply not playing games with older kids.
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Thing is split if I give in she has me by the balls. Then everytime I do not dance to her tune I will be threatened by not seeing the kids.
I have never said I am not having the kids. I just said I will have no communication with her. That is what the threats were about. She said she will go to a solicitor this week for communication. This suits me as I would rather have a written agreement through a third party. Then ALL her power is gone and she will need to take her narcistic tendencies out on others. Also if I have to communicate in any way I know all my love for her will be gone. I mean its hanging by a thread anyway!
The situation with D15 is regretful but she needs to be stuck with her mother for a while without me being there as backup.
She is old enough to learn that treating her father with zero respect is not acceptable. I am sick of threats from W and lies from D15. My mother had an MLC at 40 when I was 12. She was gone over 10 years. I did not use it to my advantage and stuck with my father through it all. There is no excuse for D15 behaviour. She needs to be left alone for a while to realise that I am the one with her welfare at heart. I am hugely disappointed in her betrayal in this but of course I have forgiven her.........she still needs to stew a while though.
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Yeah I hear you guys. Sorry I guess my comment is more relevant to my situation with young children. I'm sure teenagers are completely different and I can't really relate.
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I use "do not initiate" when I have to, but for me luckily, when I said 'knock yourself out H, see the kids whenever you want" things changed. ::)
Just my sitch, but I am glad to know that H even cares.
I was starting to think all circuits were fried.
I don't feel that way anymore. I have a cordial mlcer who just decided 'we didn't work' ::)
I am glad I don't have to be NC with H for me.
I told him "you don't want to be w/ me then I don't want to be w/ you either."
H has free will.
I have to allow for that. :-\
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^
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Bump
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Ugh! In It I need a 2x4, or make it a 4x8!!!
Way too much contact lately. Been playing nicecand talking a lot to try and make the D go smoother (mediation vs court)Tried playing happy family to see if it would draw us closer...and it did, she's telling me she loves me, but meanwhile is in bed with her boyfriend.
It's crushing me...I'm pulled right back in it, my heart hurts and my mind races, in wide awake at 1am, waking up dreaming of them together.
I need to hop back on the no contact train!!!
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Indeed split open and melt no contact is healthier. I had a very hard time wrapping my head around that, it took me a very long time, more than two years before I finally "got it". Now I realize that maintaining contact allows him to mistreat me, to be cruel, and to act without empathy or concern. This is not healthy for him or for me to allow him to emotionally abuse me. MLCers do not care about our well being, they just contact us out of habit, and their motives are completely self centered.
I am currently no contact for two months, and I realize that I should not allow him to mistreat me, or to take advantage of me. I care about him, but he does not care about me, and I must protect myself from his coldness and his selfishness. If the extraterrestrials ever let him go...then perhaps we will talk.
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Two months? You have a great start on this. I'm NC since July 2013. And things are so much better for me.
It's said this isn't the way to go for most here- then the rule of three is a good thing.
Don't respond to any communication right away. Wait 3 minutes, 3 days, 3 weeks..whatever may apply at the time to give you time to THINK and not react.
And when in doubt? Do nothing.
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bump
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On the one hand I feel like no contact is better for healing. I feel better not allowing him to mistreat me.
On the other hand now that almost four months have passed I wonder How will I know if he ever recovers from his MLC if there is no contact?....
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He may contact you. If he's respectful? Only time will tell if it continues.
No one deserves to be mistreated or abused. Take care of YOU!
(((HUGS)))
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I have gone NC as well since Nye and Suffered 3 days of threats regarding not having access to the kids. I also have had to go NC with D15. This is only temporary but I have been used by D15 who has been playing us both off in order to gain more freedom. I know everyone is going to say she is only a kid but she has been hanging with OM and W as they have allowed her to go to the pub with them. She needs to learn a lesson as well to prevent her growing up like W.
I am now getting voicemails and W has sent texts saying she has apologised via Vm but I have not read the whole text as I think it will set me back.
Who knows she might even be trying to reconnect. Either way I am determined to go at least three months Nc as I no longer wish to cycle with her anymore. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Hi B.
I haven't read your story yet but my d is 12 and l just hate to think of what might be coming up, my heart really goes out to you. We've been sep 15mths.
So far it's been pretty peaceful on a whole and ex has been very helpful with my d and l. She even talked me into staying close when the house sells and l move . l ike 15mins close, which l want to to be handy for d.
But l don't understand so much with her and as l spend wed nights over there to be with d , it matters in a way.
Ex is normally chatty and stays home when l go to see d, makes tea and all, welcomes me in anytime.
But since V day and flowers beside her bed , she's been outside if l'm there and talked very little.
And then bc my d was away on camp and l hadn't seen her since she got back, was going Mon night to be with her awhile. Strangest thing , ex would normally say oh no problem yeah come over . But l get a strange text say they had stuff to do after school and could l just come wed instead.
l text her what stuff ? , no reply.
She done this before so as l was going past anyway l dropped in. Ex was still at work and d knew nothing about stuff to do.
Very strange and agaIN , since V day.
Ex got home an hr after l got thee , talking ok , said how she got called of at work late , no mention of the stuff they were supposedly doing , then she went outside and sat there playing with her phone. Again avoiding me.
First time she's acted like this , obviously 180ing me but what's happened.
Like you l've sucked up anger from day one to for my d. Although ex was good from day one with me and d, she left , destroyed her family , started seeing an om , took my daughter, not to mention the house we'd just bout and the trouble we went through to get it .
So strange , she said you can have the house l don't want anything.
We were in heaps of debt , it was a 3 yr plan though and after that we'd be laughing. 18mths in , this. Pretty sure escaping the pressure was big in this.
But although we've had a few al nighters texting and sorry's and regrets and guilt from her . She doesn't hassle me at all like yours. lf there's no money or d to sort l don't hear from her.
With the camp d just got back from it was our first 7days with nc. l wondered if she would but nothing.
ln a way l envy you , because yours seems to still need it , you , even if it's not pretty , she obviously does. Mine doesn't seem to , that really hurts.
Sometimes l'd rather a bit of abuse than nothing , leastit means se needs to talk to me.
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Hi Hawk
I will reply when I have some time. A Tragic event has happpened this last week Which has changed things from my point of view. I lost my father last week and although i am not in crisis i can see how it could start one. My W crisis was initiated, I believe, by her mothers esrly death three years ago.
The void thats left is impossible to fill and when the spouse dies not fill it if they search for someone else. It does not work of course which must be the rebirth phase.
Only time will tell but I am determined to become better from this and not worse as our spouses have become.
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Sometimes l'd rather a bit of abuse than nothing , leastit means se needs to talk to me.
Me too and when I feel sad or lonely I just have to remember what it was like to be with the "family" and it cures me really quick.
And compared to three years ago? ( 4 at the end of June) this is truly heaven with what he put me through-or I should say I let him.
I should have gone NC right off the bat. Too concerned with trying to keep the "family" together praying for a second chance. I probably could have had him arrested for harassment and should have. I put up with abuse long enough.
I answered every email every phone call talked to him every time he wanted to talk. Didn't make him wait two seconds for a response. I didn't want to be "rude" or impolite. I desperately didn't want time to pass I thought more damage would be done if I did.
And it has for THEM now not me. I have somewhat healed. I couldn't care less what's going on. Not my monkeys not my circus.
Don't sacrifice your self respect and cave . Your D knows you are there for her.
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Just joining the thread here (Init - will respond to your post on my thread in a sec - thanks for that)
Hawk - I understand what you are saying about ANY contact being better than none. My thoughts have also been that if there is NO contact, no spewing, no monster etc etc then how can we gauge the MLC journey??
Conversely I do also agree with you Init and it is something that I am beginning to realise...
In my situation No Contact has been the redeeming feature...
In the past I have ALWAYS held out the olive branch - appeased WAP, wanted to talk, wanted to work it out, wanted contact etc etc....BUT....this time, at BD - something inside me said NO MORE.....something said to me at BD - I can NOT be in contact with this man who can hurt myself and D in this way - who seems like an alien - who has not got our best interests at heart. I simply cannot do it....
Hence my absolute silence EXCEPT for when I needed to email him to arrange getting our things form his house.
Even though, as most of you know from my posts, it is sometimes excruciating to not be in ANY contact what i do hold on to is the fact that, at the end of the day, I have maintained my self respect (and respect for my D) by doing this.
In my case WAP knew what this meant. He ranted at my mother in an email 1-2 days after BD wanting to know why I hadn't responded to his BD email (even though he asked me not to contact him), wanting to know why I wasn't showing any remorse, regret, sadness, understanding etc etc...
He was expecting me to cave in and beg and plead etc.
I just couldn't go there. And I haven't.....
So even though since we have taken our things now from his house and he doesn't seem to care that there is No Contact I know for me that I am sending a message that what he is done is not right.
In general I am a very giving and loving person. I have rarely (if ever) cut ANYBODY off and maintained No Contact (except my ex-H)
So WAP would know FULL WELL what this means..
Hugs
B x
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Hawk - I understand what you are saying about ANY contact being better than none. My thoughts have also been that if there is NO contact, no spewing, no monster etc etc then how can we gauge the MLC journey??
Bellagio don't worry about gauging anything. The ones were dealing with have been in crisis their whole lives. There no "saving" them or loving them out of their issues.
Consider the time you spent with them as sparing some other decent, good, soul a lot of pain. That's the only thing or thought some days that makes me feel better.
And thank your lucky stars you didn't MARRY them. ::)
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So glad we have each other through this mess.
Excuse spelling mistakes to btw , l didn't have much time.
l've too struggled with NC or not stuff, l've done pretty good . lf l do it's nearly always about money, house or d these days. And being over there mid wk nights is to hang out with d. l do also just pick her up and we go somewhere but with school nights , weather , can be easier to just go in for a few hrs . l'm feeling like l shouldn't be there lately though especially with ex's latest 180ing or whatever she's doing.
Tonight was a test as l've just got back. Ex had a beautiful tea in the oven , she was sorta back to normal but then went out for a few hrs and left us to it. d and l wrestled and messed about.
Ex got back 8.30 , chatty chatty tonight . l left an hr later.
l've used contact as a gauge feeler too and l was hoping for R.
Before Christmas she was inviting me over any old time , making nice teas , really talky , showing me new clothes even arm and hand touches. A couple of late stays l actually thought she was turning and really seemed to enjoy us all together late at night again. The main reason this about face of hers is so weird, then the v day roses.
Yeah l don't know in it. like we don't have any monster of nasties. When l say suck it up l more mean in what she's done. But she's actually very nice , respectful , even often inviting, it's a stranger one than some.
Very sorry about your loss B. l've also lost both parent in the last 5yrs but it was expected and l was actually relieved dad got to p off - damn hospitals , he'd had enough.
l guess it depends what else was going on with your spouse but yep l've read of quite a few going off too after losing a parent.
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l've used contact as a gauge feeler too , nothing to go on if you don't that's been my issue and l was hoping for R.
Before Christmas she was inviting me over any old time , making nice teas , really talky , showing me new clothes even arm and hand touches. A couple of late stays l actually thought she was turning and really seemed to enjoy us all together late at night again. The main reason this about face of hers is so weird, then the v day roses.
Well it looks like she might be also looking for a relationship- how many GIRLFRIENDS does she have?
What you just described to me was what women normally do with their GIRLFRIENDS. New clothes etc..if they weren't on her BODY? She's showing you these for your APPROVAL.
So if she got roses and they weren't from you on V Day? IMHO? uhmmm she's not ready for a real man and woman relationship.
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Just joining, I am going NC or at least Dark, since kids are involved. I am lucky in a way, he doesn't want to contact me, it is difficult not emailing/texting, but so far I am doing ok, trying to stay busy, and work on me. I love my H, but I have no clue who this thing is in his shell, there is nothing of the man I love there. Just venom and spew. I hope the NC will take care of me getting hurt, and keep me out of the line of fire. Hopefully he can target the OW. IN IT thanks for starting this thread!
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Your welcome. I know some people are against it but everyone's different and I respect that. But if you have tried everything else? It's time to protect yourself.
Your post just reminded me of the movie Men in Black..If you never seen it it's really funny.
The part where this cockroach alien kills this farmer and puts on his skin like a suit the wife describes as an "Edger suit?" That's what you are dealing with.
But the guy was a real prick to her to begin with so the cockroach did her a favor IMHO. ::) She had NO self esteem.
Now NC will protect you from being a target of spewing and monster or any other manipulation he may have up his sleeve. AND possibly pave the way as you will have less emotional damage to get over.
FOCUS ON YOU.
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Just joining the thread here (Init - will respond to your post on my thread in a sec - thanks for that)
Hawk - I understand what you are saying about ANY contact being better than none. My thoughts have also been that if there is NO contact, no spewing, no monster etc etc then how can we gauge the MLC journey??
Conversely I do also agree with you Init and it is something that I am beginning to realise...
In my situation No Contact has been the redeeming feature...
In the past I have ALWAYS held out the olive branch - appeased WAP, wanted to talk, wanted to work it out, wanted contact etc etc....BUT....this time, at BD - something inside me said NO MORE.....something said to me at BD - I can NOT be in contact with this man who can hurt myself and D in this way - who seems like an alien - who has not got our best interests at heart. I simply cannot do it....
Thanks Bell. l've never chased or said one thing about what's happened , or squirmed or talked us or follow her round.
The only time we've both touched on it at all was in some late night text 6 mths back give or take .
l talk when she rings , if l have to ring we often talk a bit , or else when l go to see d through wk. But l'm always with d, not ex and if ex is around and is friendly or talky l just return it it in about whatever degree she is , that's about it really. And if there was any sh@t then l wouldn't even bother but there never has been.
But l hear what your saying and l too have struggled with the principal of even being nice to her , being there at all , what message does it give my d. l'be struggled with that so much.
But for my d's peace , l only ask her to come on wkends , l can't ask her to house hop more than that , l just can't.
So that's the only reason l've even set foot in the place really and so while l am l've used that time to just sorta see where we go but l do still struggle with it.
l was a huge part in our break up you see . l carelessly hurt ex very deeply and for 18mths she thought l was leaving her, having an affair , while - she was going through early menopause and in deep depression to you see , which she hid from me.
So l've also sorta made a lot of allowances for all that too bc l effed right up , big time. Because of that stuff l've wondered to if ex needs to see it from me you know , that l do care , won't give up.
But , l still struggle with how to handle it. There's the co parent thing which is no 1 and we're doing a great job with that , our debts and house to sort , joint money hassles l dunno.
l've been thinking l would leave until after Xmas and if there was no change then l'm staying away this yr and working something else out with d as it is long enough , lt's not helping me at all and l worry about all that stuff too.
Well from about 2wks ago , she seems to have done an about face herself and has this keeping her distance thing- maybe she had the same deadline as me haha.
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l've used contact as a gauge feeler too , nothing to go on if you don't that's been my issue and l was hoping for R.
Before Christmas she was inviting me over any old time , making nice teas , really talky , showing me new clothes even arm and hand touches. A couple of late stays l actually thought she was turning and really seemed to enjoy us all together late at night again. The main reason this about face of hers is so weird, then the v day roses.
Well it looks like she might be also looking for a relationship- how many GIRLFRIENDS does she have?
What you just described to me was what women normally do with their GIRLFRIENDS. New clothes etc..if they weren't on her BODY? She's showing you these for your APPROVAL.
So if she got roses and they weren't from you on V Day? IMHO? uhmmm she's not ready for a real man and woman relationship.
Ahh , only a few clothes, no biggie, what about all the other stuff.. We were together 18yrs she always showed me stuff to see if l liked it. Yeah she's has plenty of friends , l wouldn't make much of a gf ;D .
Anyway all that time was later last year , long before v-day.
Somethings happened since and yeah , those fkg flowers.
Obviously being anywhere near there since those well, lt's time.
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Yep- those flowers might just be a clue.
Girlfriends would buy flowers for me on special occasions because he didn't do it. And I loved that years ago.
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But red roses , v day . Anyway a chick l was talking to reckoned they might even be just an admirer , there are things , so l've tried to just hang back on it for now .
See she reckoned the fact the ex is always home, even when l'm there which is a chance for her to get out is it not ?? Hell l would !
So where's the time to even see someone , she's home on wk/ends to when l have d.
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Who knows? Maybe she talks to him on the phone? Maybe they Skype. If no PA has been confirmed maybe it's an EA?
Maybe she bought them for herself because she wanted to drive you nuts.
UNTIL the TRUTH comes out you won't know for sure. So do what's best for you and don't drive yourself nuts worrying or thinking about it. I know it's HARD.
Focus on YOU.
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Just joining, I am going NC or at least Dark, since kids are involved. I am lucky in a way, he doesn't want to contact me, it is difficult not emailing/texting, but so far I am doing ok, trying to stay busy, and work on me. I love my H, but I have no clue who this thing is in his shell, there is nothing of the man I love there. Just venom and spew. I hope the NC will take care of me getting hurt, and keep me out of the line of fire. Hopefully he can target the OW. IN IT thanks for starting this thread!
Hi Blindsided. l'm sorry your in this crap , like all of us.
Hoe does he see the kids then , that's my thing ? Luckily my ex isn't nasty in any way , a lot of the time it's as if we're still together just different houses , until l leave.
But it all feels insane none the less .
Mine chops and changes all the time too but in much more subtle ways. She just won't be as chatty sometimes or goes a bit 180ish like right now. Usually a wk or two late she's back to all talky and friendly again but she is always polite , no fighting , digs , snarls. We treat each other well especially around d.
But she's still a different person , l only see the girl l actually loved in glimpses.
l think if he doesn't want to be in touch , especially if it's nasty when he is , you've got no choice but to keep it down to just any business , kids and let him be.
You might get what l get and suddenly he's all talky again , l just go with that when it comes. When it passes as it always seems to , just go back to whatever but it's a train ride for sure.
Given the way he's being with you though right now , you've gotta look after you right now.
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http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingandemotionalissue/f/emotionaldivorc.htm
This is somewhat of what happen to us in regards to our spouses or ex's and what preceded the BD etc. It's kind of simplistic but it may help.
There is lots of other info here also.
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I am scheduled to see H tomorrow. Almost chickening out here. After all the last thing I want to do is see him if he is going to say cruel things to me. On the other hand I feel like how will I ever know when he is recovering if I never see him? A bit of a dilemma....
It has been 4 months since I last saw him...and he was very monstery at the time. Actually all the interactions I have had with him about 80 percent of the time he says something cruel to me...hmmmm......
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Can you take someone with you?
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ooh no, I dont think that would be a good idea...then he would get really mad...
if one of my kids were here I could take them...but they both live in another country.
at least we meet in a restaurant...that gives me the freedom to leave if I want to.
But still I think I will be a little disappointed about breaking no contact if he says something nasty.....
I wish there was some way of knowing when they are coming out of it....without having to subject oneself to a hail of negative comments..
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WHY? are you seeing him?
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We are 27 months post BD, divorced 5 months ago, mostly because I thought it would end the craziness a bit and I dont regret it, I think it needed to happen to protect myself from H poor money management skills. I have been no contact fo four months, he wrote once and wanted to meet. I said no, I dont think so, not right now, mostly because the last time I saw him he was very Monster. Then a month later and he wrote again, I was a little curious to see how he was doing, who knows maybe someday he will get better?
I saw him today in a restaurant and I realized he is deep in tunnel. He just wanted to see me to get information which might be useful to him. He had eyes everted, a cold expression. H is basically narcissistic, looks out for himself. I told him that I had seen BIL and that he is in poor financial situation and has lost a lot of weight, possibly due to lack of food. H basically abandoned his own family when he left us, and they are even worse off than our kids, because at least our kids have me. H appears oblivious, clearly OW keeps him well fed. It looks like it will be my job to keep ex BIL and family from starving.
I did throw a couple of well aimed truth darts, which brought out Monster. I mentioned how his family loved him and we were very surprised by him leaving. He replied by threatening not to see me again. The funny thing is that he insisted that I had asked to see him, instead of him asking to see me. He always does that, asking to see me and then claiming I am pursuing him.
Back to no contact, clearly he is a long way from coming out of replay.
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Yep they turn EVERYTHING around to it was US when it was THEM!!
Narcissist isn't even the word for it!
I have no idea how I'm not certifiable by now. Everything was always my fault and I was the one to blame!
Listen to me if you've read anything about this there is no "cure" for it or "getting better"
.
Heal yourself THAT's where you put the effort!
http://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/2013/07/20/are-you-a-magnet-for-narcissists/
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l think if your hoping to R , NC is very risky .
Few things.
1stly , l've read as many R stories all over the net as l can find and most of them were still in contact right through that l've found. A lot of them still did a few things together along the way or talked as they picked up or dropped of kids , drop in , all sorts of things.
Me l did hope to R and l felt NC would be very risky bc one , l know my ex would read it as l'm moving on. And then with everything that's happened , 2 different lives now , feelings and still anger underneath , NC at all just makes things even stranger anytime there's been a gap in contact and possibly anger starting to surface , then resentment and on. Because if it good contact , that helps well me anyway , sorta remember the good and forgive
But another huge thing for me was splitting with a gf yrs ago before l was married.
We fort a lot and wanted different things but there was good stuff between us too , but it was all really confusing and eventually l got out of it.
Thing is , l needed to hear stuff from her , see the love , if l did l would've wanted to try again. But l never heard from her and the few times l dropped round for things she was very 180ish.
l hoped splitting up might wake her up and bring her round a bit [ stop her being such a b@tch basically ] but l got this 180 type thing and because of that l never bothered .
But had of she shown me what l needed instead , l would've wanted to get back together and marry her.
So that's the way NC effected me with her. That was 19yrs ago and she never got married and she never had kids, very sad .
So it's a very risky gamble and game to play if it's not what you really want.
Speaking purely from a wanting to R point of view only that is.
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Thanks Hawk
I am only 7 weeks into BD and it is too soon to be honest to know whether i want to R or not - I am still in grief and shock.
My WAP is in No Contact - we dont have any shared children or property so there is no reason for us to maintain contact.
So i am in the position where even if I wanted to be in contact I am not sure how or why. I am too upset at the moment....
I have read that, at least in the beginning stages, we should MATCH their style of contact - ie if they are NC so should we be. ESPECIALLY if there is OP involved (there is another woman in my case)...
Even though the NC is painful and hard I know that, in my case, at this early stage, it is the best thing for me and D> I am trying to hold onto my self respect after such a serious betrayal. I dont believe I would maintain this if i made contact with him.
I also believe that if they want to make contact they will. It needs to come from them if they have run off, betrayed through infidelity, started their new life...etc etc - escape and avoid,REPLAY etc
Hope this makes sense in some way. I am still trying to work my way through things..
B x
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I feel that if they keep right on going and never look back they were someone I wasn't supposed to be with to begin with. Emotionally UNAVAILABLE. Unable or unwilling to see the harm they've inflicted or in denial of it. And IMHO because it didn't happen to THEM. NO EMPATHY.
And anyone who could act and say the things that have been displayed to me? I definitely do not want anything to do with.
I wish no further contact with him or his mother. I was a doormat and a people pleaser and a scapegoat for them long enough.
I agree with Bellagio88 the only way I've found my way to a stronger sense of self respect is through no contact.
I stopped talking to his mother after I was again yelled at when she had overextended herself when all she had to do was OPEN HER MOUTH and tell me what her problem was. She really wanted to yell at him for all of this. I'm not making the same mistakes again. She had all ready done that once before. She paints herself like some sweet caring person? Believe me she isn't.
He and I fought like cats and dogs through the entire relationship I would specifically ask for what I needed he would flatly refuse it. But I kept trying. I thought I was the problem. So I stopped FEELING.
If you cannot communicate a need you cannot expect someone to be a mind reader. Most people don't because they are unwilling to make themselves that vulnerable.
There's nothing else I will ever need to hear from him it will be all lies and bull$hit anyway- and he'll get none of his questions (if he has any) answered by me either.
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Thanks Hawk
I am only 7 weeks into BD and it is too soon to be honest to know whether i want to R or not - I am still in grief and shock.
My WAP is in No Contact - we dont have any shared children or property so there is no reason for us to maintain contact.
So i am in the position where even if I wanted to be in contact I am not sure how or why. I am too upset at the moment....
I have read that, at least in the beginning stages, we should MATCH their style of contact - ie if they are NC so should we be. ESPECIALLY if there is OP involved (there is another woman in my case)...
Even though the NC is painful and hard I know that, in my case, at this early stage, it is the best thing for me and D> I am trying to hold onto my self respect after such a serious betrayal. I dont believe I would maintain this if i made contact with him.
I also believe that if they want to make contact they will. It needs to come from them if they have run off, betrayed through infidelity, started their new life...etc etc - escape and avoid,REPLAY etc
Hope this makes sense in some way. I am still trying to work my way through things..
B x
Yeah it sure does make sense Bell. Maybe that's how that ex gf looked at it now that you put it that way. l didn't run of with another g but it was messy .
When you put it that way she didn't really have an op to show me what l needed without throwing as you say , self respect out the window.
In your case Bell , l don't see how else you could go either.
lf it wasn't for my d , our house and finances , l would have had to go that way now with my ex. She did move out , she did start seeing someone else , quit on her family , marriage. Yes l messed up big to but l didn't quit or go seeing an ow.
l know that hurt you speak to don't worry. My first 2mths of this was the most sickening hurting time l've ever been through, l could not believe this and even today , so long after it still is.
But there was my daughter , l could not believe we were apart and l'd be visiting my own d , l could not believe it.
So basically l was in turmoil about just what to do but l had to see my daughter and somehow be her dad , that was number 1.
And for what this was doing to her , l didn't want her seeing mum and dad ugly and bitter , it'd only amplify the whole surreal thing 10 fold. Or risk ex doing something even crazier, very heartbreaking and very tricky.
l often wonder if all that came across right to my d and l still hope she respected me for what l was doing and not thought l was a sucker for even talking to mum. She wouldn't have known about what went on with us and my part in it see but she was living what mum had done now so !.
Back to no easy way , answers.
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I feel that if they keep right on going and never look back they were someone I wasn't supposed to be with to begin with. Emotionally UNAVAILABLE. Unable or unwilling to see the harm they've inflicted or in denial of it. And IMHO because it didn't happen to THEM. NO EMPATHY.
And anyone who could act and say the things that have been displayed to me? I definitely do not want anything to do with.
I wish no further contact with him or his mother. I was a doormat and a people pleaser and a scapegoat for them long enough.
I agree with Bellagio88 the only way I've found my way to a stronger sense of self respect is through no contact.
I stopped talking to his mother after I was again yelled at when she had overextended herself when all she had to do was OPEN HER MOUTH and tell me what her problem was. She really wanted to yell at him for all of this. I'm not making the same mistakes again. She had all ready done that once before. She paints herself like some sweet caring person? Believe me she isn't.
He and I fought like cats and dogs through the entire relationship I would specifically ask for what I needed he would flatly refuse it. But I kept trying. I thought I was the problem. So I stopped FEELING.
If you cannot communicate a need you cannot expect someone to be a mind reader. Most people don't because they are unwilling to make themselves that vulnerable.
There's nothing else I will ever need to hear from him it will be all lies and bull$hit anyway- and he'll get none of his questions (if he has any) answered by me either.
First up , againlike Bellls , who could blame you init and your right. It's all blown my theory competently to smithereens again. Mine didn't seem to look back and even this morning 15mths later when l was picking up my d , l'm still almost in tears as l've been on another very low with what's happened again just this wk. My daughter , everything .
But your right , zero comprehensions , zero and zero empathy. She actually cracked a joke to my daughter about the amount of stuff she packed.
Hello , my poor daughter now has to pack a bag every Saturday morning to go live with her dad for the wkened . And her dad , 15mths later , is still in tears 1/2 the wk from missing his daughter and not being able to live in the same house as her. And he still hurts to the bone over what she did too and this whole load of bs.
Nice as pie , friendly , helpful , but totally insensitive - still , to just what she has done to us both . lt's as if it's all some fun adventure for us , d's house , my house , of to dads , it fkg makes me ill and still cuts to the core.
And then so one day she says to me - What's all this Jeckle and Hyde stuff - she couldn't even get the emotional turmoil and roller coaster heartbreak she'd thrown me into. Apparently l should be all smooth and happy .
l hear you both , no worries there and now l feel like an idiot for even talking to mine let alone allowing nice.
l've also been trying to get kik working on my phone. Ex said , how come you want kik so bad , just use the phone or text.
Hello , my daughter has her ipad with her 24/7 , always charged , alway got a connection. Sometimes l can't get her for a wk on her phone because it's flat or runs out of credit , so l have to go through ex - She can't even see what the problem is or what it is lll have to now try to do to be the best dad l can under this bs. She can't even see the pain l'm in missing my d , and hwo l need to be able to reach her .
She even thinks it's all fun for d . Two houses and all.
The wks l've carried my poor d through this , in tears , the heartache watching and trying to make it better for her.
Your so right init.
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Not to mention the fact she has "my" daughter 6nights a wk so this is just a day or 2 of to her.
Or the fact that l have to go and visit what was my family , over at her new rental and , that l see 12 red roses beside her bed.
Maybe l've been a fool about all this because really , does nice , does helpful with all our left over crap that she dumped us in , does being a dream co parent , all really cut it , with whast this has done , she's done . What does that deserve in all this ?
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And then so one day she says to me - What's all this Jeckle and Hyde stuff - she couldn't even get the emotional turmoil and roller coaster heartbreak she'd thrown me into. Apparently l should be all smooth and happy .
Again it's hard for us to wrap our brain around the fact they were gone WAY BEFORE BD if they ever were really connected at all.
Yes they EXPECT us to be all smooth and happy.
The ex called me 3 months after the divorce was final at Christmas and said " I thought you'd be over this by now" :o :o
I probably would have been had he left me ALONE. AND if I had a CLUE he was working on being that emotionally detached he could have at least let me in on it as I would have worked on it also.
It was my oldest D (who was 17 at the time) who carried on so much that it made it hard for me to keep my head above water. I'm not blaming her- again I had so much empathy for what she was trying to do dealing with him I was sucked in also.
Now your D is 12 and the situation sucks no doubt. I'm a child of divorce but I was 4 when it happened so not as traumatic. I was used to having two places to live by the time I was that age.
Listen to me you need to grieve this as much as possible when you are alone and don't feel it's "unmanly" to cry in front of her. It can form a deep bond between you. Tell her how much you miss her-don't focus at all on the ex or what she's done.
Leave the door open for her to talk to you whenever she needs to. If you can't get stronger for yourself right now? Get stronger for her.
I used to love doing simple things with him. Home made root beer floats-TV dinners-car rides- I never cared what we did as long as I was with him.
Don't be surprised if at some point in time she might want to come live with you. I lived with my dad quite a few times.
Don't tell your Ex anything. Not about kik or anything else it's none of her business anymore.
And stay out of her apt and you won't see roses or anything else.
Go as dark as you can.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h86jYwjroow
Good video on youtube , more on the right hand side of the page
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You think init , you could well be right. Hard to know how else to work seeing d wknights though without going in. She's had a huge 12 mths , new yr at school , wkends and holidays here, she's often tired so dragging her out 2 nights a wks will just be more on her.
How did your d go off , what was she doing ?
But then going in, ex all happy happy , like l'm a visitor, oblivious, feels so wrong. Far better than the nightmares some deal with l know but hard.
l haven't been able to let it out too much with mine because l might totally cave and if that happened it will scare her, be too much. She needs me in this .
But we have cuddled for hours many times earlier , no words and just been upset.
l've coped with so much. Our house was a very run down 1ac you see , we were all doing up as a family . So it's been hell here alone without them , not to mention the workload. Then our debts , constant wolves at the door , phone calls, keeping my business afloat, debts , l've done so much.
But if l miss a call with d , that's what really throws me these days , l slip badly even if l've been fine before. And as they develop more and more life over there without dad , it throws it in your face you know.
But l have been grieving it , l don't block it like some , l just allow myself to feel whatever l feel within reason. We had true love for 16yrs of it though , then my d , takes time. lots of waves.
But yeah with the new year l've been planning on working d into us getting out and we'll go somewhere l'm hoping. Often don't have the money either so that's anothery .
Hopefully the house is sold and d and l have chosen a new area , yep l'm hoping she might come live there for awhile later. It's still easy for school and stuff , see what happens. But hey , gettin use to my freedom to so :-\
Yeah l effed up with kik as d and l were working on it there one night. PS , we got it going last night , l'm that exited . No more days on end trying to get her or going through ex.
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No more days on end trying to get her or going through ex.
GOOD! A direct open line of contact without the ex. THAT SHOULD HELP a lot!!
My D suffered greatly, sleepless nights, crying, so stressed she wet the bed once. This same thing happened to me in my childhood and it was like I relived the nightmare all over again watching her. EXTREMELY traumatic for the two of us.
We both shared the grief of the loss of the family the first time around this last BD she sided with her father to get rid of me.
I was the problem because I FEEL and had a hard time letting go of stuff he wanted to stick his head in the sand over. So they diagnosed me as crazy and had me hauled away. Technically kicked out.
I agree your grief would scare her too much. You need to let a lot more of it out alone.
IMHO You are not strong enough yet to go over there and spend time, Do not worry about losing your D over a couple of hours a couple of days! Talk to her about this and tell her or work on yourself to take two weeks off from that and focus on getting stronger then going to the house shouldn't effect you to badly.
There are lots of free things to do with your daughter.
Did you say the roses where on the ex's nightstand? Were you in her bedroom?
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Although , the fine print with my ex gets confusing.
1 , she's been a nurse carer for 20 yrs. And even in our darkest hours she always remained perky for us , that's been her job so long and what she may be putting across for my d and for me. That's what she does.
Even through early menopausing and slipping into deep depression, she didn't show us, you wouldn't even know..
The other thing is , she has sent me long textes in the middle of the night about her guilt , pain in what it's done to me and d, how hard it has been to do this and lots lots more .
So these factors have been huge too for me and the fact that l hurt her deeply , while she was going through that you see too.
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I understand that you were not there when she needed you. Hindsight is 20/20 BUT if she had been able to communicate all of that? Felt safe expressing herself to you? It still can't be said this still would have happened. Nobody's a mind reader.
Her depression was COVERT.
Being a nurse IMHO she's a caregiver and unless she did it for just a paycheck? She has been deeply hurt.
It's still no excuse to bring a third party in to destroy the marriage. That was a CHOICE.
The ex wasn't there for me either when I had a mental breakdown from taking a medicine. And has used that to base all of his claims that I'm the one who's crazy. I needed him very badly then and he simply ignored the condition I was in.
Now if you are going into her bedroom? Stay out of there.
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http://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-you-are-verbally-abused-part-ii/00015271
Tips on verbal abuse
(((HUGS)))
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Yeah l agree on the 3rd party but she thought l was having an affair so, l dunno.
Why couldn't l just have a cut and dry wife took off thing ::)
Don't worry , l peaked into the b/r from the lounge 8)
Sorry about your h and sitch in , sounds like h wanted an escape hatch regardless .
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NO peeking unless you are interested in more pain. If she thought you were having an affair then communication was already lacking.
Folks who have vanishers struggle also; but sometimes I would think it's easier to deal with that instead of the drama and games and verbal abuse..
Yep and he got his escape hatch. I draw a line at physical violence. And with this jerk? I should have gone NC at first BD. He's not the typical MLC.
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http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp
Separated or going through divorce
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http://psychcentral.com/lib/keeping-good-boundaries-getting-your-needs-met/00018789
Boundaries
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We talk about giving our power away on here. This simplifies it some
((((HUGS))))
http://yourkickasslife.com/featured/7-ways-youre-giving-away-your-power
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http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/12-ways-to-keep-up-with-quot-no-contact-quot-after-a-breakup-459868.html
This one has the phrase to describe the "wanting to be friends thing" this way...
It's like having your mother tell you your dog died, but letting you know you can keep it....
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It's like having your mother tell you your dog died, but letting you know you can keep it....
;D ;D
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Thought you'd like that Calamity-
Of course these MLcers would like to stay friends with us! Say horrible things, harass us until our peace of mind is totally annihilated, have someone to blame for their misery, cheat on us, LIE, pretty much do whatever they want to and then we just say " "Oh that's ok I understand. You're going through something right now"
I don't think the vows that were taken translate " for better or worse" include abuse to define the worse part. The worse part is something two people face TOGETHER.
The bigger question is WHY would we want to be friends with THEM and continue to have them treat us the way they do?
With friends like them? Who needs enemies?
I genuinely believe this is about the only way you can salvage anything in the aftermath. The less damage you allow to YOURSELF the better the chance of someday they wake up and realize what they lost and MAYBE make their way back.
They need a really big time out...and it works out pretty well for us also!
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New reason for NC during this insanity we may be dealing with.
Mlcer's know they are messed up and will stop at nothing to prove you are the crazy one.
I was recorded by the exH after he did everything in his power to infuriate me.
DO NOT meet with them without a witness .....assume they MAY have some kind of recording device on them. This is NOT paranoia it HAPPENS.
Phone calls can be taped, texts, and emails saved. Do nothing that they can use against you due to the divorce or in custody cases or anything.
Even I miss you, I love you, begging, crying, whatever they can save to read over and over again or listen too. Don't feed their GIANT EGOS.
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And don't forget STAY OFF FACEBOOK and don't post anything there or on any other media based place.
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Before or during the holidays- expect calls, e-mails, surprise visits, cards and gifts for you and your children, possibly sent along with other people. Especially on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day, if you really want to enjoy a nice, peaceful holiday with your loved ones, make sure you lock the door, take your phone off the hook, plug in the electric fence, pull up the drawbridge, and throw the crocodiles in the moat. A word to the wise.
This is one of the most amusing articles I've read about NC.
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Sorry forgot to post the website!! ;D ;D
http://luke173ministries.org/629759
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NO Responding To News That They Are Getting Married, Having A Baby, Getting A New Job, Retiring, Moving, Taking A Trip, Sick, Dying, Or Dead
This one had me ROTFLMAO!!
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Found online:
CALLING YOUR EX. Speaking of needing to get some space so you can gain perspective, this is exactly why you should NOT call him/her after your breakup. In order to have the clarity you need right now, you're going to have to stop communicating with your ex.
That means no phone calls - initiating or returning. That also goes for emails, text messages, instant messages, and ESPECIALLY seeing him/her in person.
Why is it necessary to cease contact? Because breakups are confusing. They're exhausting. Right now your emotions and your decision-making skills are compromised, which means you are easily tempted to go for instant gratification - to do what feels good in the moment even if you know it will have disastrous results in the long run.
You're probably wearing your bruised heart on your sleeve. If you're in contact with your ex, you are much more likely to engage in self-destructive behavior like dialing him/her up repeatedly and then having to deal with the pain of knowing he/she is screening your calls. Or stopping by their place unannounced to see if he/she will talk things out one more time with you... OR worse, sleeping with your ex again even though he/she has no intention of getting back together with you.
When your ex is in your life, it threatens your emotional and mental safety and leaves you exposed to the possibility of new and deeper hurts. When you're lonely, down, or even angry, confused and looking for answers, calling your ex MAY seem like a good idea. But I can promise you that you WILL regret reaching out – no matter what technology you use to do it.
Your ex is not going to fill that void of loneliness in your heart. He/she is not capable of cheering you up right now. He/she is NOT going to have the answers you want to hear (other people can rarely provide closure to our satisfaction…we need to find it within ourselves). And remember, each time you contact your ex, it's like hitting the "reset" button on any progress you may have made in your journey to getting over them.
If you exercise some willpower now, it will help you move on quicker in the long run.
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Hi Init
You sure are a toughy!
Lately, if I get shaky, I come here and check out your thread and links.
It's an NC cold shower.
Thanks for keepin' us on the straight and narrow...
xox
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You're too funny Black hen!!
If I had done this the first time around I would have suffered a lot less emotional damage. But I just kept hoping that he would somehow be smart enough to see what he was doing wasn't something that was the right thing to do.
You cannot count on them to watch out for you or consider what might be in your own best interest.
Don't be a doormat-take no abuse. And don't go looking for it.
We are in a fog also and in a lot of emotional pain thinking they can somehow take that away or alleviate it. They can't.
I came to a crossroad's and realized there was going to be pain either way whether the relationship was reconciled or terminated.
He made it easy for me this time due to his behavior - once again. NO DRAMA NO GAMES.
Get STRONG...(((HUGS)))
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http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/6-reasons-why-people-use-no-contact-to-get-back-their-ex-but-will-not-admit/
Lots of other articles here
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Take your power back...don't take any abuse
((((HUGS)))
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What do you guys think about being in NC after the BD?
That's what I'm doing at the moment.
On the one hand, he asked for time and I am giving it to him without making him feel pressured. It's also helping me because I know he's not going to say what I want to hear and it will just drag me down. We kind of agreed we would touch base further down the line, and I had mentioned I'd rather not keep in touch while he is with the OW, but I don't even know if he remembers this - he seemed pretty confused and didn't remember other things we talked about.
But on the other hand, the article says that NC at the beginning can be detrimental. I imagine it can make him feel unwelcome and like he doesn't know how to take that step to get in touch...
I wonder if NC makes it easier or harder for him. Out of sight, out of mind - it might make it easier for him to just forget about me. Or on the other hand, might make him miss me. I really don't know what to think.
I'm still at the very beginning, so I really don't have a clue - those of you who have been at this longer, what are your experiences with NC?
At the moment, I'm thinking that maybe further down the line I might extend some sort of olive branch, just to let him know that he can contact me if he wants to, but I will not be pursuing him.
(my sitch: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4977.20 )
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i have been at this for almost a year. After the BD in may 2013 , my husband stayed in the house until i thru him out in Sept 2013. He was having an affair starting in June.. but of course , I did not know. I suspected , but found no proof other than intuition. Had I known, he would have been out immediately.When he left in Sept., I had ZERO contact with him. I never ever called or text except 1 time when i knew the facts about the other women. I absolutely could not face him, talk to him... I wanted no contact .. for ME. If he came to the house, I left. I saw him at unavoidable things ( daughters graduation), but otherwise could not bare to be near him or communicate with him. He came home in December and we are trying to figure this nightmare out. He absolutely says that no contact during that time was shocking to him. He felt "abandoned " by me. (WTH?) . He had no input or pressure from me. I wanted nothing to do with the pain he represented.. I found no contact to be very easy and I needed this for ME. I did not spend alot of time figuring out what was best for HIM.. I just wanted to be alone as I felt like i was going to die. truly. I know i read about no contact ... but i could not have done it any other way. I suspect it is absolutely different for all of us.
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3992.0
Dagolark I don't know if you read this thread
I wish I had gone NC right off the bat and had him arrested for harassment.
But I dealt with an NPD that was magnified by an MLC.
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Found online
Does No Contact Work? - What You Need To Know Before Using It
Does no contact work? That depends. You have to know how to use it properly before it works effectively. If you are only half-hearted about it or give up half way through, it will definitely not work for you. Find out below exactly how the no contact rule works and what you need to do to get your ex back.
There is almost no technique more effective for winning back an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend than the no contact rule, and it has been used time and time again with wonderful results by many who find themselves in your position. There are a lot of actions that you should be taking, but an effective no-contact policy is a big one.
When implementing a no-contact policy, you need to make sure that you put it into place correctly and then stick with it in order to maximize your results. It doesn't undo all of the negatives that the breakup caused, but it can get you headed in the right direction. It's even possible that a no-contact policy can stand alone and get your ex back once and for all. You'll need to understand how it works and what's expected of you if you want it to have an effect in your specific breakup situation.
What Makes The No Contact Rule Effective?
It's possible that you've heard of the no contact rule long before you thought about using it to help resolve your breakup. It's used a lot, and when used correctly, it can stop a breakup in its tracks. In order to understand how powerful a no-contact policy truly is, you first need to understand how it works and what it can bring to the table in your particular set of circumstances.
When you stay away from your ex instead of chasing after them, a few beneficial things start to happen. First of all, it catches your ex by complete surprise. They may have come up with a long list of what they thought you'd do after they dumped you, but disappearing off of the face of the earth probably wasn't one of them. They thought that you'd pursue them and try to convince them to take you back. Instead, you've practically disappeared. As a result, they'll start to miss having you around, and they'll miss what it's like to spend time with you. They may start to be paranoid that you're moving on and leaving them behind - and that's something that they never expected to encounter after ending your relationship at all.
Additionally, if your ex wants to stop you from moving on, they'll have to take action. Instead of maintaining the feeling like they have all of the choice and all of the options available to them, they'll realize that the scales have shifted. You're calling the shots now, whether they wanted you to have them or not. If they want to keep you from moving on without them, they'll have to take action to get back in touch with you again. They never thought that they'd have to face the reality of a life without you in it. Making them recognizing that danger will push them into acting, and they're much more likely to make contact with you themselves.
What Can Cause No Contact to Fail?:
A no-contact policy can only be effective if you stand your ground and stick to it. If you back out after a few days or even weeks and reach out to your ex for contact or comfort, you're only going to shoot yourself in the foot and unravel all of your hard work. No one is saying that a no-contact rule is easy. It's not. It takes a lot of commitment and dedication in order to pull it off, and if you don't have the stamina to stick with it, it's going to backfire on you.
The no contact rule is also going to fail to be effective if you only confine it to one form of contact like phone calls.A no-contact policy is exactly what it sounds like. It means that you can't have any contact with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend period. You can't try to excuse contacting them on Facebook just because you're avoiding calling them.You can't continue to text them if you're still showing up at all of your favorite hangouts. You also need to take care not to give your ex a plethora of information about yourself. If you constantly update your social media profiles, they're going to have all of the information about you that they need, and there will be no air of mystery that they have to uncover.
If seeing your ex is impossible due to school or work, try to keep this contact to a minimum. Do your best to avoid contacting them as much as possible. That's the only way that the no contact rule can truly work out in your favor.
What's Expected of You?
Since the no contact rule is going to be just as difficult for you as it is for your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, you need to have plan in place to keep yourself busy. You have a lot of work to do, and you need to be productive throughout this time. You can't spend all of your waking hours sitting on the couch, swimming in a pool of self-pity. You need to get up and get active, and turn this into a golden opportunity for research,growth and revelation.
The no contact rule isn't an end-all to all of your breakup negativity. Sometimes it works on its own, but sometimes you need a few extra weapons at your disposal, and now is the perfect time for you to read up on these other techniques. You need to have them lined up and ready in case you need to put them into action in addition to the no-contact policy that you've already established. You also need to start focusing on the reasons that caused your breakup to begin with and try to fix some of the issues that led to your breakup to begin with.
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http://www.pinterest.com/pin/31243791139676183/
IMHO a pretty good guideline for life.
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No Contact works, I've posted these om my thread
Less than a week and I think xW is becoming a little bit frustrated by NC (No Contact = No Control).
She has decided that D12 can go rollerskating this evening, but she asked D over the phone to ask me if I could pick her up for the return home. I said NO so she called me a fat b'stard under her breath but loud enough so D could hear it knowing full well D12 would tell me what she heard. Later xW called the house, D12 answered the phone but dropped it cutting off the call. An angry xW call back and said to D "Tell your dad he's an a$$ hole". xW thought I had answered the phone and immediately hung up on her. What is her problem !!!
Anyway No Contact = No Control and I'm sticking with it.
Dam, Dam, Dam !!!!! xW stepped into the house and drew me into and argument. Monster got its fill to last it a couple of weeks.
I know NC is working but she is prepared to fight it. Roll on the move to the new house.
Lanzo
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I'm latching on to no contact
I also went NC, with mine,, it has help me, every time I talk to her I was ripped into again and again sometimes I wonder if it wasthe right thing to do, but I know when I do t alk to her I am in pain all over again
That's it in a nutshell. On another note, what your friend was trying to tell you in a crude way about " the best way to get over a woman" is that you have all your recollections of happiness tied up with your X, you need to create new ones that make you realize that you can be happy again without her.
I have been out to many dances, charity galas and parties, but never hooked up with anyone else, but just getting out on my own and having other people (men and women) be glad of my company makes me realize there is a life without my X. I never realized how much of myself I'd submerged in my married life until this last year or so......It does get better.
I just spotted the line in bold and it summes up exactly where I sam now.
Lanzo
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And it takes a while to be ready to do that. Don't rush anything.
And there is a life after this.
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I signed up to get newsletter from a healing from narcissistic abuse website. Although I realize that not everyone dealt with a personality disordered MLCER before this happened many have become Narcissistic.. this is from that newsletter:
This powerful tip really helped me get through the no contact stage, and I believe it will really help you keep no contact for good.
Note: This is one of the only times I suggest rehashing the pain of the narcissist, and I promise you it's for a very good cause.
This is the process.
Step 1. Think about the times your narcissist violated your boundaries, was abusive and behaved poorly. Write these incidents down.
Step 2. After you have written these incidents down write in bold red pen the following statement:
"I (your full name) acknowledge that these behaviours are not acceptable, are abusive and do not match my deservedness and truth. These behaviors are NOT MY REALITY, not now, and not ever again".
Now each time you feel the emotional hooks and the addiction to the narcissist dragging your emotions down, re-read this list and your powerful declaration to yourself.
This helps remove the illusion that the narcissist is someone lovable, someone you can heal, someone who is worth being in a relationship with, and someone who has the resources to be a loving partner.
You will find this process extremely helpful when you are feeling the pain of the loss of the narcissist, and the 'dreams' that he or she seemed to represent.
It gets your focus off 'the good times' and back to the reality of who the narcissist really is.
Please understand this process alone is not the complete answer to being able to do No Contact as painlessly as possible and in the most empowered way.
It is a tip to help you not cave in and go back, when the urge to contact hits you hard. It is still vital that you do the real work of focusing on and healing you in order to break powerfully free.
I know you can be strong and keep no contact, even if it feels incredibly hard right now.
Please understand this process is so valuable at the times that you may feel yourself wavering, and being drawn back into the narcissistic muck.
Please don't give up and I promise you things will get better before you know it; it's a matter of getting clear and working on yourself in order to create the true life that you deserve, and knowing clearly that the narcissist is not a match for the reality you can chose and create for yourself.
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I used to love doing simple things with him. Home made root beer floats-TV dinners-car rides- I never cared what we did as long as I was with him.
Same for me. I was happy just with him in his pjs on the couch watching tv. It made me happy just to be around him. But obvs it wasn't enough for him... he was bored. He needs to drink, and obliterate himself with videogames, and now the OW. It's still quite offensive to think that he wouldn't speak with me but he would happily text her all the time - he was never the texting type, ever, in his life. I donìt know why he felt he couldn't communicate with me.
Anyway he's a vanisher for the moment and tbh the more I go on with NC, the less I want to contact him altogether. It would just hurt me anyway. I actually dread hearing from him, because unless he's begging for forgiveness, then I?m not interested.
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Hi Dagolark..if you got that quote from me? I was talking about my dad..nothing was simple when I was with the ex.
And no ....it's never enough for them to just be with us...we are the cause of thier misery and boredom.
I found the ex quite boring myself.
When the only thing someone is interested in is hearing the sound of thier own voice..it kind of makes it hard to communicate with them.
I don't miss him one bit. NC is the ticket 8)
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Strange thing is that we were apart for up to three months on end while I studied abroad, a total of about 6 months a year for 5/6 years... and he was comfortable being alone, in fact he liked it, he spent his time on videogames & tv and an hour of skype with me every night. I'm not sure how this all changed when we moved in together - his routine was the same except we ate together and afterward hang out watching the telly before going to bed. Lately I was telling him I felt neglected, that he spoke with me more when I was abroad than now.
I don't know. Sometimes I start thinking is it my fault, was I really boring, but then... then I have to face that his life hadn't changed at all. So something must have changed inside him, something that has nothing to do with me. Such as that big bright panic sign that said 'I'm a committed man now my life is overrrrrrrrr omgggggg'. Hence the drinking and going out for more drinks and hooking up with random stranger.
When I feel angry and upset and in pain and question myself, I have to remember that. Besides, it wasn't my job to be a fricking circus entertainer to keep him amused when he felt like it.
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When I feel angry and upset and in pain and question myself, I have to remember that. Besides, it wasn't my job to be a fricking circus entertainer to keep him amused when he felt like it.
Exactly! And it's not your job to make anyone else happy or feed anybody's ego..
I myself would like something peaceful and content and simple and joyful and a relationship that considers the other persons FEELINGS, views , ideas, the give and take..AND enjoy other people for what they have to offer. :)
So stay with NC and eventually you will work through your emotions.
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Found online:
No Contact Rule
Cutting Out the Ex and Moving Forward
Healthy people who experience a relationship break up generally experience universal stages of grief such as anger, sadness, and disappointment. Eventually they come to accept the loss and move forward.
For love addicts, moving on from a broken relationship literally feels like a dreadful insurmountable ordeal. The agonizing feelings go beyond normal grief— as they are in withdrawal from the love addiction. Accepting the fantasy has crumbled, and moving forward seems unbearable.
And so it goes-- the only seemingly viable option for a love addict is to run from the pain by creating ANY form of contact with their ex partner no matter how bad the relationship was. This is the sickness of love addiction.
If you are a love addict going through a break up and are in withdrawal --- it is imperative to realize your healing begins with cutting your drug of choice (your ex) cold turkey - in spite of all the distortions and self-sabotaging voices going on in your mind.
Healing starts with a personal pledge to the No Contact Rule.
If you are in a break up and have love addiction . cutting complete contact with your ex is a critical prerequisite to your recovery.
MAINTAINING CONTACT- ANY CONTACT WITH YOUR EX- KEEPS YOU STUCK IN A TOXIC JAM- IT GUARANTEES THE PAIN WILL CONTINUE- IT IMMOBILIZES YOU MOVING FORWARD- IT PUTS TO A STAND STILL THE CHANCE FOR YOU TO RECOVER FROM YOUR LOVE ADDICTION.
If you truly want the pain to heal and get back your sanity. you need to STOP acting out your addiction by breaking ANY, and ALL contact with your ex.
The No Contact Rule is a strategy of detaching yourself 100% from your addiction/ ex partner both emotionally and physically--- at all costs.
Look at it this way--- it is like any other addict wanting to break from their addition.
It is equivalent to a drug addict choosing to totally break from their ecstasy, cocaine or heroin? or a recovering alcoholic no longer reaching for a shot of vodka, no longer going to bars or stopping the a local liquor store? and doing it for the sake of the addicts sanity, wanting to get back their sense of self.
No Contact for love addicts means no more seeking that swig of the bottle or "hit" of heroin? except when you are addicted to love, your drug is your ex---- and detaching from the addiction with a knowing that if you do, it will always follow a poisonous and unhealthy outcome.
Like a heroin addict, you "hit the pipe" for each and every contact you have with your ex, and keep trapped in your addiction
No Contact means-- No texting, No calling, No Face booking , No emailing, No twittering, No triangular communication through a friend, No small talk, No nice talk, No how are you, No checking on his/her whereabouts? and No more excuses.
Committing to the No Contact Rule represents no longer choosing the same old destructive pattern-- no more fueling your ex partners wants and needs, while disregarding your own.
NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT, ANY CONTACT, PERIOD.
When your ex partner contacts you
If, or better yet when-- your ex partner attempts to open the door by contacting you? urging you to bite for the those tiny little crumbs which you have gobbled up for much-much too long-- you say NO, NO, NO, period!
You must refuse to get hoodwinked with his/her drama, self-pity, charm, charisma, seduction tactics, words or promises only to be hurt again and again. You cannot allow it.
When he/she attempts to call, text or email you --- you must choose NOT to respond or answer. You say NO way, NO more--- STOP. You say it is over. You hang up. You disconnect. You physically leave the scene. You detach. You say Good-bye.
You close the door tight. In fact, you forcefully slam the door shut and dead-bolt it ten times and throw away the keys.
When you keep the connection going contact -- you put yourself in a less than position - you put him/her on a false pedestal making him/her your higher power. Your ex is not a God or Goddess. Knock him/her off that fictitious pedestal.
No Contact is about setting healthy boundaries.
The foundation of the No Contact Rule is about setting healthy boundaries. The purpose of setting boundaries is to define your limits. Setting a healthy boundary signifies taking a stand for you, protecting yourself, and taking care of yourself.
No Contact is a boundary rule and is a critical aspect to your recovery and of freeing yourself from toxic relationship patterns.
No Contact is unequivocal and clear-cut with-- NO loopholes -- NO excuses.
Is applying the No Contact Rule permanent?
Well, if the relationship has been a definite addiction; if it was dysfunctional, toxic, unhealthy, hurtful; if your partner had a pattern of being verbally or physically abusive, disrespectful, manipulating and/or indifferent to your feelings, wants and needs— then absolutely!-- detachment must be permanent.
Moreover, the permanency is especially true if you are sick and tired of the pain of being so dependent on one person-- and truly desire an authentic, fulfilling relationship in your future. * If you have kids with your ex, permanent No Contact is likely not possible when your ex has a relationship with them.
Keeping the addiction going will surely keep you stay stuck in your love addiction and for each and every contact, you immediately go back to square one. Every contact with your ex is equivalent to putting a knife into your chest — then pouring salt on the open wound, it hurts.
Like Love Addiction... No Contact is serious business
Let's be honest-- No Contact is definitely not easy or painless. Love addiction is bad in many ways. The experience of withdrawing and cutting your ex off is an arduous consequence of having been in an addictive relationship. It feels impossible. It can feel like torture. It can even feel like death.
It is no doubt the most difficult challenge in this beginning stage of recovery.
Yet, you must be assured, you can and will survive. It pays off in the end. If you act- there is light ahead. All the twisted obsessions, distortions, and confusing thoughts want to convince you that you cannot live without your ex? that he/she was your soul mate, the magical one. It is not reality. Do not believe it.
Understand this---all the irrational obsessive thoughts in your head are nothing but your addiction talking. The voices of addiction are always full of deceitfulness, lies, and manipulations.
Get it in your head your ex toxic to you. Your ex is not the answer. Your value, worth and existence is not based on someone else. Do not accept the falsehood that he/she is the answer to your problems?NOT true; never has been.
Discovering to honor who you are as a human being, honoring your personal wants and needs, and learning to love you is the answer to your problems.
Again, the longer you take the "hits" of contact, the more you feed the fix, and the longer you put your recovery at a complete stand still. So move forward wisely.
The No Contact Rule is a critical step to heal and get past the pain. Adhere to the No Contact Rule with a fighting attitude, and an acknowledgement, that you deserve better and are finished settling for less.
Draw a line in the sand, and declare to yourself, "No More"! And once you do- reach out for support and leap the worthy path of recovery.
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Although many of us believe we were involved with loving, caring, people before this started. The narcissistic tendencies are there and hard to ignore. Found online:
The No-Contact Rule
Experts on narcissistic abuse recovery all agree that contact with someone like this always results in pain (Payson). Maintaining zero contact is essential for you to be able to heal and cognitively and emotionally process the mental hurricane that hit. Some clients have likened the experience to like coming off a drug; it is so painful to go through the traumatic grief work in being abandoned that these feelings are akin to withdrawals. However, as you heal, you can be empowered, stronger, wiser, and more discerning and reclaiming of your own self-worth.
The target is capable of empathy, reciprocity, true and mature love, and growing in a relationship. People with narcissistic behaviors are generally not. They are only capable of deceptively seducing preselected targets to fill a psychological void. The same cycle may repeat every time. It is so imperative that the target understand the process of grieving the loss of the fantasy of the person who narcissistically manipulated him or her.
Those with narcissistic behaviors are usually hard-pressed to find a healthy connection in any relationship. When the masks are pulled off, they realize they cannot manipulate and seduce as they are accustomed to. Too many people have caught on and discovered who they really are.
Luckily, for those whose lives have been touched (or slightly marred), there is a path to healing. This process takes place through no contact, a compassionate and understanding psychotherapist, and a support forum (whether online or in person). Those who have been targets heal and move on to love others in healthy, mature relationships.
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NC provides a way to protect yourself from anymore emotional damage- stop the drama, games, and pain and get your balance... Cry sleep and heal.
If you have hopes of reconciling your marriage (or any relationship) it may help keep the relationship from having to overcome any more damage.
Work on your self respect and self worth in the meantime.
(((((HUGS)))))
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. But obvs it wasn't enough for him... he was bored..
Sorry if this doesn't post quite right, first time I have quoted anything.
Dagolark, my xH too. But as I have told my kids many times, if you are bored...you must be boring.
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We've suffered heavy losses and although the Mlcer may still live our lives have been forever changed by this devastating event.
Below is for people who have lost loved ones. I feel a lot of what's here can be what we focus on while enforcing NC.
The Mourner’s Bill of Rights by Alan Wolfelt, PH.D
As a bereaved person, you have certain rights that others must not take away from you. In fact, it is the very upholding of these rights that makes healing possible.
1. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPERIENCE YOUR OWN UNIQUE GRIEF.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. Don’t allow others to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.
2. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR GRIEF.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief.
3. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL A MULTITUDE OF EMOTIONS.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt, and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Know that there is no such thing as a “wrong” emotion. Accept all your feelings and find listeners who will do the same.
4. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE TOLERANT OF YOUR PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL LIMITS.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind is telling you. Get daily rest and sleep. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing thing you don’t feel ready to do.
5. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXPERIENCE GRIEF “ATTACKS”.
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE USE OF RITUAL.
The funeral ritual provides you with the support of caring people . More important, it supportively sees you off on your painful but necessary grief journey. Later rituals, such a lighting a candle for the person who died, can also be healing touchstones. If others tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
7. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EMBRACE YOUR SPIRITUALITY.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry with God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SEARCH FOR MEANING.
You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. Watch out for the clichéd responses that some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TREASURE YOUR MEMORIES.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find creative ways to embrace them.
10. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO MOVE TOWARD YOUR GRIEF AND HEAL.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
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Until you create boundaries ..nothing will change. Take no disrespect or monstering
How do you know when an MLCer is lying? Their lips are moving
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Found online
What No Contact is and what it isn’t
No Contact (NC) is not a game or a ploy to get a person back into our lives; this technique has been misrepresented in many dating books and blogs. We should not desire to have people who have mistreated us back into our lives. On the contrary, No Contact is a way to remove this person’s toxic influence so we can live happier, healthier lives while cultivating our authentic self and minimizing people-pleasing. As shown by the image above, No Contact is the key that locks out that person from ever entering our heart, mind, and spirit in any palpable way again.
Why We Establish No Contact in the Context of Abusive Relationships
We establish No Contact for a number of reasons, including preserving a healthy mind and spirit after the ending of a toxic, unhealthy or abusive relationship or friendship. NC gives trauma bonds, bonds which are created during intense emotional experiences, time to heal from abusive relationships. If we remain in constant contact with the toxic person, we will only reinvigorate these trauma bonds and form new ones. No Contact also gives us time to grieve and heal from the ending of an unhealthy relationship or friendship without reentering it. Most of all, we establish No Contact so that toxic people like Narcissists and Sociopaths can’t use hoovering or post-breakup triangulation techniques to win us back over. By establishing No Contact, we essentially remove ourselves from being a source of supply in what is clearly a non-reciprocal, dysfunctional relationship.
How To Do No Contact Effectively
Full No Contact requires that we do not interact with this person in any manner or through any medium. This includes in-person and virtual contact. We must thus remove and block the person from all social media networks, because the toxic person is likely to attempt to trigger and provoke us through these mediums by posting updates on their lives post-breakup. We must also block them from messaging or calling us or contacting us via e-mail. Avoid the temptation to find out about the person’s life via a third party or other indirect way. Remove triggering photos, gifts and any other reminders from your physical environment and from your computer.
Always refuse any requests to meet up with this person and ignore any places the person frequents. Should the person stalk or harass you by other means and you feel comfortable taking legal action, please do so. Your safety comes first. If you are in a situation where you must remain in contact with an ex-partner for legal issues or because of children, keep in low contact (minimum communication) and use the Grey Rock method of communication if this person has narcissistic (NPD) or antisocial (ASPD) traits.
I also highly recommend cutting contact with the friends of the abusive ex-partner if possible as well by also removing them from your social media sites. I understand you may have established great friendships with these people during the course of your relationship but if you did date a narcissist or sociopath, he or she has likely staged a smear campaign against you and you will not get any validation or support from these people.
Unfortunately, the narcissistic harem or fan club is ultimately convinced by the illusion and false self of the charming manipulator. Think of your ex-partner’s “friends” (more like supply) as being kept in a perpetual idealization phase with no discard – they are not likely to believe your accounts of the abuse and may even be used by the narcissist or sociopath to hoover, triangulate, trigger or manipulate you in some way. It’s best to cut ties with them completely and create your own support network that is separate from the abuser.
Stick to No Contact
If NC is a struggle for you, there many ways to ensure that you stick to it. Make sure you have a weekly schedule filled with pleasurable, distracting activities, such as spending time with friends, going to a comedy show, getting a massage, taking long walks, and reading helpful books such as The No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue.
Take care of your physical and mental well-being by exercising daily, establishing a regular sleep schedule to keep your circadian rhythms in balance, doing yoga to help strengthen your body and relieve stress, as well as engaging in a daily meditation practice of your choice. I offer a Healing Meditation for Emotional Abuse Survivors on my YouTube channel, and Meditation Oasis is also an excellent resource for guided meditations. You may also experiment with alternative healing methods such as Reiki, acupuncture, or aromatherapy. For more information on alternative healing methods, I highly recommend the tools for healing section on Kim Saeed’s blog, Let Me Reach.
Do yourself a favor and look up online forums that relate to unhealthy and toxic relationships; joining such a forum ensures that you have a community and support network that enables you to remain NC and support others who are struggling just like you. It will also help validate some of the experiences that you went through during the friendship or relationship with people who’ve been there.
Do not resist your grief during this process, because you will have to face it at some point. The more you resist negative thoughts and emotions, the more they’ll persist – it’s a fact. Learn how to accept your emotions and accept the grieving process as an inevitable part of the healing journey. I recommend trying the grieving exercises and abiding by the No Contact rules in the book Getting Past Your Breakup, written by certified grief counselor Susan Elliot.
Most of all, develop a healthier relationship with your cravings to break NC by practicing radical acceptance and mindfulness to the present moment. Remember that relapse may be an inevitable part of the addiction cycle and forgive yourself if you do break NC at any point. After practicing this self-compassion and forgiveness, you must get back on the wagon after falling off of it. Track your urges to break NC in a journal to curb acting upon the urges. Make sure that before you act on any urge, you give yourself at least an hour to collect yourself. It will get easier once you realize that breaking NC often bears no rewards, only painful learning experiences.
See my videos for more Tips on Maintaining No Contact and No Contact: Healing From Narcissistic Abuse.
Why We Remain No Contact
The ending of an unhealthy relationship often leaves us reeling and feeling unable to cope. Even though we logically know we did not deserve the abuse or mistreatment, we may be tempted to stray from this when our emotions get a hold of us. Trauma bonds often keep us tethered to the abuser, as well as other factors such as codependency, low self-esteem, feelings of low worth, which may have been instilled in us from the abusive patterns within the relationship or may have kept us in the relationship in the first place.
No Contact is a space for healing and reviving yourself, apart from the belittling influences of your former partner or friend. It is an opportunity for you to detach completely from the toxic person while moving forward with your life and effectively pursuing your goals. It enables you to look at the relationship honestly and productively from the realm of your own intuition, perceptions, emotions and thoughts, apart from the gaslighting or abuse of the former partner.
Remember that anyone who has treated you with anything less than respect does not deserve to be in your life, so NC helps you to resist the temptation to invite them back into your life in any manner or form. Many survivors find it helpful to track their progress on a calendar, blog or journal. You should celebrate and take note of your NC progress, as it is both a challenging and rewarding path to self-empowerment.
By establishing No Contact, you are ultimately staging your own victory and exploring your strengths, talents and new freedom with more ease. I invite you take the first steps to recovery and success by challenging yourself to at least 30 days of NC if you are doing it for the first time. This will provide a detoxifying period where you can start to heal in a protective space of self-care and self-love, enabling your mind and body to repair itself from the abuse. Then, utilize the resources I’ve mentioned here in order to maintain NC and purge your life of the toxic influences you were once tethered to.
Happy healing!
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:)
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Not an easy thing to do but no contact may help you work on your own emotions.
1.When you are in an emotionally charged situation, don’t just react. Take a deep breath and consider your options. Take emotion out of the equation and allow logic to enter into your decision making process and choose the course of action that will best benefit you.
2.Own your feelings. Don’t make excuses like, he made me do this, or he’s making me nuts. How you feel is your business. Don’t blame anyone else for how you feel.
3.When your inner voice, that always wants to take us to a place of hurt, is flashing you thoughts and images of painful things, stop it immediately, don’t allow it to travel any further. Change your focus to something positive.
4.Stop taking responsibility for other people’s junk. Stop apologizing. Own your junk and let other people own theirs. And learn the difference between the two.
5.Be confident, even when you’re not. The more you practice this, the stronger your confidence muscle will become.
6.Be like water off a ducks back. There are always going to be people in your life that will try to make you lose your cool. Recognize the situation when it arises and don’t allow any person, place or thing to knock you off balance. If you see your ex walking down the street with his new woman, don’t run away and cry. Walk confidently right on by.
7.Lose the victim mentality. Meet all challenges from a place of strength.
8.If you are engaging with someone or something that you know isn’t good for you – just stop. Easier said than done, right? But what would logic dictate? Take off the rose colored glasses and start looking at things the way they are, not as you wish them to be. You’ve all heard the expression follow your heart, but take your head with you. If it doesn’t feel right don’t try to change it, don’t feel bad about it, don’t pine about it, just move on.
9.Meet your fears head on. Something only seems impossible until you do it once. Once you have mastery over something that previously seemed impossible, you will feel invincible and it will motivate you to greater and greater heights. Practice doing things that scare you.
10.Choose an image of a strong and fearless woman and model her behavior. Put pictures up all over your environment to remind yourself.
11.Focus on you. It’s the old cliché. But I mean put all of your attention, all of your energy on making you the best you, you could possibly be. Get motivated and get excited about all of the possibilities that await you.
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NC is not to punish them it's to protect you from any more emotional pain.It may save a possible relationship later.You'll have less damage to deal with.
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Thanks for bumping this thread, In It. The timing was incredible as it came the day after I received an e-mail from my H in which he stated:
I have asked that we not have personal contact. Yet the other day I received a box in the mail containing a letter marked "Personal." I do not plan to read this letter.
Except in the case of an emergency involving either you or "dog", I would appreciate it if you would please maintain this boundary.
Now, here's the head scratcher here. I have not initiated any contact with H since we sold our house and moved into separate residences on July 1. (I agreed to sell the house because it was not financially sustainable for me to live there on my own). Yet, he has texted me, called me at 4 am, 6 am, middle of the day, etc. He has showed up at my doctor's office. He has not said he did not want personal contact to me. He has sent mixed messages and the closest he came to saying no contact is when he served me with divorce papers and we had a conversation in which I asked him if he is sure this is what he wants to do. He said, "Maybe we shouldn't have any contact during this time." He never explained what "during this time" meant and I have long since stopped asking him questions. I assumed he meant during the divorce proceedings because he was talking about divorcing then dating or divorcing, being friends, and seeing where that goes.
In the past month, I served him with a counter-petition to his divorce papers because I am asking for half the value of his car and to split our retirement plans (he has more than me). Since then he has completely monstered and I have absolutely no desire to have any contact with him. The box of stuff I sent to him were his books and and some other things of his I had planned to give him when we met to go over the divorce papers. But since he no longer wants to do that, I paid the $8 to ship the stuff to him. Hey, I didn't even get a thanks for that! LOL.
Anyway, the "personal" letter was something I needed to send for me as a means of honoring our 11 year marriage and 15 year relationship. I intentionally marked it personal so he would know ahead of time the contents of the envelope and have the choice of opening it/reading it or not. I figured he would not read it, so no surprise there. I hope some day he reads it but way more than that I just needed to know for myself that I put those words on paper and sent them to him. He may be able to just walk away from a marriage and not honor the years and relationship but I can't and I won't just because of his MLC.
Anyway, I had several reactions to his e-mail:
1. F you, as**ole.
2. You would be the last person I would call in an emergency. In fact, I had one last Friday and I realized afterwards he was no where on the list of people I thought to call.
3. You never clearly and directly said you wanted no personal contact until this e-mail. Thank goodness you are finally communicating in an open, honest, and direct manner. What a breath of fresh air.
4. I have no desire to have any type of contact with you right now. Why would I want to be around someone so angry, hostile, defensive, callous, and uncaring? Don't flatter yourself.
Those were my reactions but of course, I ultimately I did not respond. He is so angry and irrational right now he would not be able to hear anything. What's the point?
My IC said it's a projection. He's projecting his (most likely unconscious) desire for contact with me onto me...because in fact, I don't want to have contact with him.
Great thread! Thanks again, In It!
Wildfire
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Wildfire, looks like he has learned about boundaries from someone. A little too late wouldn't you say?? LOL He was baiting you and I'm glad that you did not respond to it. Good work.
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Exactly no more communicating with him let the lawyer do it.
There's the boundary you set IF you choose to respond at all. All of this can be evidence gathering for HIM if you respond. And work in your favor if he communicates with you.
Just stay away from him. That's the mindset you have to have. HE doesn't get to do anything he wants and you just put up with it.
So stand firmly, set your resolve, this is about what YOU need to do for yourself. (((HUGS)))
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Excellent topic in it.
NC is what I need. I sent my last offer. I'm done. He created his life he made choices for us. He can deal with the consequences. He lost a good woman who stood by him. I honored my vows and will do so until the decree is signed. After that, I won't look back. One day the kids will be grown and hopefully brave enough to tell him how they feel. Hopefully karma will set in, and there will be remorse. I've had enough.
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I've said before what you allow continues- enough is exactly the frame of mind you have to get to. No more drama no more games. No more bull$h!te. Live your truth.
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Found online: Again focus on you your self respect and self esteem this is not a punishment for them it's to give yourself love and time to heal. Many relationships have been going on for years and you may have been in a loving committed relationship. Or thought you were.
One of the best strategies to put into practice following a break up is the No Contact Rule. Although it is among the most crucial tactics to apply in this context, many people are not interested in its execution. The most apparent reason for this is actually the idea that plenty of people find it quite challenging to all of a sudden shut off communication with somebody they've been crazy about for such a long time.
Usually, the strain between you and your ex girlfriend or boyfriend might be high after a break up. While the both of you are in that state of mind, it is very possible that whatever you say or do might be misread regardless of your motives, and may even in actual fact have a damaging impact and also deteriorate the problem.
During this time period, you are generally in a "panic mode" which often forces you to want to begin phoning, texting, e-mailing as well as doing all sort of things to stay in touch with your ex. Your never-ending phoning, promises to change, apologies for every little thing and asking them to have you back too early following a breakup will somewhat get you to look frantic, and furthermore, your boyfriend or girlfriend may get even more angry and upset with you.
The significance of the No Contact Rule is centered on its allowing you to steer clear of the above goof ups. They're essentially major mistakes which can quickly cut back any likelihood you might have of getting your ex lover back.
The No Contact Rule is equally successful because it helps you to take some time out in order to develop yourself and be even more self-confident. These two qualities are actually quite effective in the attraction process and will also be important to win your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back again.
If you're able to take the time to be sincere with yourself and then have a go at certain self-challenging routines that can develop you both physically and psychologically to assist you to rebuild your self esteem and allow you to really feel more joyful, then this method may become an effective method in getting your boyfriend or girlfriend back. Carefully consider getting involved in various community services, going to church meeting, enrolling in a fitness routine in a community gymnasium, or perhaps registering with a dancing or singing program.
With such developments in your life throughout the No Contact Rule period of around 2 to 4 weeks or more, nonetheless only if utterly appropriate taking into account your unique scenario, you end up becoming more confident in yourself with brand-new power and liveliness. At the same time, your girlfriend or boyfriend will also be missing out on you considering that "absence makes the heart grow fonder".
Both of these key points are the principal ideas behind the No Contact Rule. First, you have improved upon yourself during the period of the rule and subsequently, your ex starts missing your company in their life. These two factors are really effective mainly because before you know it, your ex lover will start wondering about what exactly is happening to you with the changes they are going to start noticing about you. This might give your ex girlfriend or boyfriend a wake-up call and they may begin thinking about their decision regarding terminating the relationship.
Even though the No Contact Rule is significant as well as efficient in getting your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back, it's not completely foolproof. There's no assurance that the process will produce good result for everyone due to the fact that most relationships present different circumstances. However, if properly completed, there's a very high chance for getting your ex lover back again. Commonsense seriously need to be used to be able to appropriately appraise the situation while it evolves; though quite a lot ıs dependent upon the personality of your boyfriend or girlfriend and his or her reaction towards the No Contact Rule.
The No Contact Rule effectively changes the tables for your benefit through making your girlfriend or boyfriend the person who is yearning to reunite with you rather than the other way round. It's actually so enticing and also ultra powerful.
No contact 2 to begin soon...