Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Sunny on September 30, 2013, 09:17:22 AM
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I thought this might be a useful discussion topic and also help clear some questions for myself.
What is MLC, and is there a "light" version of MLC? I know about mid life transition which everyone goes through, tho definitely NOT applicable to my H.
however, I do have questions because my H doesn't seem to fit the typical MLC profile. He left with no notice, never came back- I discovered a month or so later he was with his OW, who he has been with since. His OW is totally script, bottom feeder, affair down. So that's all MLC script.
But H has never blamed me, has never monstered, seems to respect me, like me. I know he is very unhappy, confused, and also carries a huge amount of guilt. He does have massive FOO issues and low self esteem- used to say pre- bday that I deserved better.
Since he doesn't exhibit the typical MLC features, is he in MLC? Thanks!
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Hi Sunny,
my husband seems a lot like yours...if it wasn't for me contacting him he probably would have ignored me. I wrote him a letter to telling him what I knew and how I felt and he never even responded. This is a man that just a year ago acted as if he adored me. He is also living with the OW in less than a month after he left. I still don't believe that he is not here with me anymore. Like a nightmare!!!
I'm not sure what light is. If he has not monstered yet maybe it's because he doesn't talk to you very much or maybe he can't vent with you for some reason. Maybe it's the guilt. My husband was like that with me in the beginning and I should have filed for a divorce while he was feeling guilty. Now he could care less what happens to me. We use to be 2 peas in a pod now we're 2 strangers/enemies.
We had no children either, just a cute little dog which we both loved very much and now is with him....he even too my little baby away :( I hope he left you the pets. Wish all of us LBS could get together for tea and compare notes and maybe even get a good laugh in between the tears. Maybe other on the forum may have more information for you on the type of MLC animal he is he he he. I feel like we're talking of a type of monster....well maybe we are. :-\
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Thanks for your thoughts Strongwind. Maybe he can't monster with me; I know he still has me on a pedestal and has a lot of respect for me. I also know he has an enormous amount of guilt. I do know he and the OW have screaming rows, maybe he monsters at her.??
Or maybe that will come in time. Not that I want monster! I guess I just wondered why he appeared to be different in some ways.
I'm sorry your husband doesn't care anymore. Sad business this MLC
Yes I kept the animals - 3 cats and a dog - he said he didn't even miss them anymore - I said its because you've shut off your emotions. That was some time ago. I don't know what he thinks/ feels now.
I guess I just wondered if there were different types of MLC. I presume much depends on the individual.
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Hi Sunny,
i do believe that there are different MLCer but they all seem to display the same traits so I would be wondering too. It must be nice to still be on the pedestal. I think I'm in the bottom of a well right now for my MLcer :D Well, it's all the same. They hurt us more or less anyway. However if your MCLer is honest, it can make a lot of difference in case of reconciliation, I read.
You've been at this a lot longer than I have but I think we never get over the BD...How can we? PTSD after BD is a given. I find it hard to believe that I could ever be with any man again and not relive this trauma in some ways.
Please keep posting here and let us know if his behavior changes. In the meantime enjoy your babies. I miss my little dog so much. (((hugs))) Sw
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However if your MCLer is honest
???
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I just hope that your H continues to be nice and somewhat cooperative. My H was cooperative for almost 15 months. Then OW dumped her H, H and OW are now soul mates and all I get is monster spew. You never know how to handle things. In hind sight I probably should have divorced very quickly while he was still remorseful. Now I am a horrible, non-trustworthy person. It appears that all of the things that he has been doing are now being "projected" on to me as traits that I possess...according to him. He was helpful financially up until last month too. Now he won't pay for anything. Every expense must go through schmoopie for approval first. H said that I controlled everything-this was one of his excuses for venturing out on his own. Once he left he still had me paying all of the bills and taking care of 90% of things. Now it appears that his version of having his own control is having his schmoopie tell him how things are going to be.
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I would say yes, like with many other things, there is light and heavy MLC. At times a hard midlife transition is very similar to a light MLC.
Monster does not always have to be present for a person to have MLC but normally is in Replayers. In Wallowers it may not be so obvious. Also, like others have said, sometimes we do not see monster because we don't interact that much with our MLCer of for any other reason but it may be there.
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Sunny, I would have to say that my H has me on a pedestal as well. He has always had a great deal of admiration and respect for me, tells me that I amaze him and wants to be my friend forever.
I think my 'perfection' makes him uncomfortable and part of him wants me to go off with another man so that I 'stray' like him.
It appeared that we were starting to reconnect a month ago but OW issues are still there. He was also saying that he wanted to make sure he wasn't coming back because it was 'easy'. I would have thought that coming back should be difficult because its too hard! That's MLC for you. Having said that, I have always wondered if my H was a mild MLCer because I have never had monster either. He also hasn't abandoned the children or spent too much. If anything, he's spent less and seen the kids more. That's his MLC 180 I guess?
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oh Strongwind, that makes me sad, you missing you wee doggie! :( I don't know what I would have done without mine. I hope you get to see him now and then!!
hi init, not sure if my H is honest, I think he is now, tho he doesn't reveal too much about his circumstances. Now that the cat is out of the bag, there are no more secrets- he said once there's nothing left to hide now. I think he is ashamed or doesn't want to hurt me more? not sure.
Dancing in the rain, I am very sorry you are getting monster spew at you. Just awful. I can imagine how hard it is to have any trust for anyone after that. He sounds pretty delusional- his OW controlling everything now. I don't know it it's just me, but I know H's OW is very controlling. I hope you can find your way forward through the muck.
thanks Anjae for your thoughts, yes that makes sense. Guess we will have to wait to see which one pertains to H.
Hope andfaith, how interesting that your H also has you on a pedestal. I've personally never liked it, I used to say I am an ordinary human being with lots of flaws like you. I understand now the pedestal is about him feeling not worthy, with low self esteem. Thanks for your thoughts,
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Interesting thread.............I am in the same situation that you guys discribe.
Sunny, I would have to say that my H has me on a pedestal as well. He has always had a great deal of admiration and respect for me, tells me that I amaze him and wants to be my friend forever.
This fits in with my H as well. I have not heard the "I am not in love with you" speech or have I seen anger monster. If anything it has been the opposite; says that he loves me, won't ever leave me, I am amazing, I don't deserve this, etc. I think to myself - if you know all of this why are you doing these things - very frustrating.
Hi Sunny,
i do believe that there are different MLCer but they all seem to display the same traits so I would be wondering too. It must be nice to still be on the pedestal. I think I'm in the bottom of a well right now for my MLcer :D Well, it's all the same. They hurt us more or less anyway. However if your MCLer is honest, it can make a lot of difference in case of reconciliation, I read.
Strongwind,
Where did you read about the MLCer being honest helping with reconciliation? We are currently trying to reconnect and I would love to know how to handle this. His actions are matching up to his words and he is showing a lot of depression; guilt, shame, unworthy, disappointed in himself, pain, etc. but thus far is staying away from OW. Reconnecting is a slow process :-\