Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Purple stain on October 03, 2010, 06:34:46 PM
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Today, I was wondering how are LBSs around their spouses? I find myself being able to laugh, smile etc outside of home but as soon as I get back, it hits me that it no longer is our happy home but two people living at home. I'm pretty well detached (mentally, emotionally) but I don't know how to be around him. Should I fake smiles? Should I pretend it doesn't bother me?
Any thoughts?
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I understand your question...and curiousity about this one...I"ve been there....I think at all costs keep it positive...now that might mean smiling in some sitch...and laughing....if that's what's called for.....However, it may also mean removing yourself from your MLCers presence....find a place /set up a place you can go to if your mind starts racing or he starts spewing or you find your ANGER coming up....Make this a real healthy place..for me it has been my bedroom...incense...cups of tea...novels...my computer AND THIS WEBSITE....as you detach further your intuition will lead you here...but again it might tell you to walk away...and sometimes you do have to fake it...but the awareness that you are faking it or acting makes it more believable....then just really trying hard to act happy...I think faking it works if you are more detached as you are not concerned with an outcome but just answering the role needed at the time...don't know if this makes sense...just some of my thoughts.
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Hi Purple Stain.
My H doesn't live at home but I feel the same. When out and about I can 'switch off' and smile and laugh along with everyone else. The thing for me is when I drive home. As soon as I get near to the house, I feel a black cloud descending over me and I hate coming into an empty house. It just isn't the same for me anymore. Too many unhappy memories. We have lived here for almost 3 years. Just over a year when H decided he wanted to leave. This was our dream house, and the result of Hs years of hard work. 2 Full time jobs and 6yrs study to gain a 1st class honours degree. We were so proud when we moved because he felt we had something to show for all his hard work. Now I have to fake it because the kids still love the house, and I cannot tell them how it makes me feel.
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My h and I were not together either, but when we were, I wish I had "faked" it. I wish I could have acted like it wasn't bothering me in the least, like everything was the same as usual. I'll never know if he would have come out of his MLC faster, but it's hard not to think he would have. Knowing about these situations really helps one to cope better. My behavior and reaction to him, I am sure exasperated his condition. Live and learn, I guess.
Not sure it makes any difference or will help bring them out of it faster, but it sure would have helped me, if I had known he was MLC. I might have not gotten so KICKED ABOUT.... then again... who knows? Just a sad, sad time!
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I initially tried this fake little grin. It doesn't work well for me. My eyes always give me away.
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When H was home I tried to fake pleasantness . . . but the bizarre-ness of his behavior freaked me out so much I needed to leave the house often. When I had to be with him, I would be "myself," as much as that was possible.
I can relate to driving in to an empty garage, empty house, dark rooms, etc., after a day of smiling and laughing with co-workers.
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Thanks for the great replies. Today, I faked it. Actually, I was already feeling happy. I walked in and was happy etc. especially with my doggie as usual. All of a sudden, I saw parts of my old H...actually already earlier when he sent me a text. But when I started playing with our dog, the old H came out.
I will keep working on faking it LOL
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LOL, fake it until you make it Patience! What surprised me the most about that, I found I wasn't really faking it anymore! Just had to get myself started.... good girl... smiling makes everybody feel better.
hugs and keep going
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My H is still at home. I get very resentful at times for having to put on my "happy face", and he is able to see through it occasionally. I got home from church a couple of weeks ago and didn't realize my eye makeup had smeared from crying. He asked had I been crying and I said yes, he asked why, and I said that part of the sermon was sad. He did not realize, while that was the truth, I started crying that day as soon as I set foot out the door. I try to never ever ever cry in front of him. I did that during and after BD, and he'd only walk out on me. Then I found this website and forum, and I've learned to be detached (as best as I can manage to muster up). One time my H called me right in the middle of me feeling depressed and I talked for at least ten minutes with much laughter and humor. It was the exact opposite of how I was feeling and what I wanted to say; I pulled it off and my depression lifted! I thank God for providing the strength that I need.
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I still live with my h, I hate the fake it you till you make it. I do it but I hate it. I do my own thing at home and he stays in his man cave. I don't know if it makes a difference or not. Maybe he is doing the same thing. He seems happy, goes around whistling and listening to his music. Actually don't know if anything I'm doing is making a difference. Guess we'll just keep on faking until someone gets tired of it and makes a move. Sad.....................................................
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Hi PS,
Another vote for faking it. Even though my H and I have come very far, he watches me like a hawk, looking for my disapproval or my indifference. Though I have less to disapprove of or be indifferent about these days, it still can be hard when MLCer pops out.
And I too hated having to fake it...it offended me to be honest. But for the most part, I did it.
When there were things I could not deal with, I tried to busy myself with something else.
And I too looked to doggie to distract me and to give me a reason for coming home when the truth was, I was not happy confined in those walls.
Good luck!
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I have a live-in MLCer also and I try to keep things light, positive, and as happy as I can. I do fake it sometimes, most times I really am fine. He has caught me at some very sad moments, but I don't care anymore. I feel how I feel.
Sometimes I will try to keep out of his way if I don't feel like I can be "happy" around him. These days, he will ask me if I am mad at him, did he do something to upset me, etc. if I do avoid him. That question always leaves me trying not to roll my eyes. :)
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Hi PS,
I remember feeling like this not long ago. i do not live with my H, but have had lots of contact because of kids.
I think that even though they are out in MLC land they are aware of when we fake to much. We do have to realize that they are also a person who knows us very well.
I always tried to be upbeat and happy, but sometimes I just could not do it. Most of my interactions with my H during this time were in public places, ball games and such. When I could not fake it, I would just be quiet. Strangely, H would almost always approach and start talking. Lol! Just when I needed space.
There may be a glimmer of light for you though. When I started questioning my ability to continue to be upbeat, it was not long before the real me started coming back. I started to detach more in an effort to be able to be ME. My actions became more about how I needed to behave to keep myself from going into a depression.
I did not become nasty or mean or do anything to antagonize my H. I simply returned to being me for me. It had nothing to do with H or worring about how he would react to me.
Sorry, I know this is kind of rambing. lol!
STC
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wow, a year later I'm in such a different place! Thanksgiving, it will be one year that my h moved out. It looks like he's going to divorce me and honestly, I no longer care to fake it. I'm in a much better place.
Honestly, I don't think my h will get it until I'm out of his life and have moved on...I do see him usually on Sundays when he picks up our doggie; he's here for about 2 min or so. He still looks miserable and he's getting old. He always looks tired and worn out. No need for me to fake it any more...I can be just me.
Thanks for the replies, I totally forgot I started that thread ;)
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Purple,
You sound strong.....
That's good...
Take care of yourself.
L