Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: OldPilot on October 22, 2013, 05:46:17 AM
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PLEASE NOTE
Please post on your own thread first and wait for responses, if no one responds then you should use the ask a mentor thread.
Please use this thread if you need immediate attention & if possible include a link to your story page. I.E. EMERGENCIES!
Discuss away!
previous threads:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3809.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3763.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3658.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3535.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2738.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2220.0
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I am needing some help I don't know how to attach my thread to my new one..
I was also talkin to the H this morning n he was apologizing for the things he had done wrong to me n our kids...he said he was feeling crazy and needed to take his meds. Said he could use a psychiatrist..what do you say to that? Now he is being funny..oh the ride the ride :o :o any help would be nice..thank you
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Your two topics have been merged.
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Thank you xyzcf ..I appreciate it
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I would absolutely encourage him towards it. My xH saw a psych, and there are things about it that I think worked in a negative way. BUT...I think it was more damaging that he stopped pursuing that path. If I had it to do over again, I would have walked him to those appointments myself and gotten more involved.
The fact that he's not just wanting a talk counselor and is open to meds I think is also a good sign. He knows something is wrong at a chemical level. That's a start!
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R2t..he takes the meds so he don't have to think.. when he don't take them that's when he starts feeling the guilt or remorse and he isn't ready ti feel that. I can't do much while necks with Ow..I mean I try n be his friend and listen then it just draws me back in again n it hurts all over again.
Like how he is admin me when n where my affair happened. I think that is just powering him to stay gone n be mad longer. I told him I would answer all the questions when he decided yo be an appropriate spouse..I'm sure that will loss him off . Idk what to do?? What can I do?
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Hi,
Can someone help me. I posted this morning, two different things and wanted to know how I should react to this situation. Don't know how to link my thread. I am Nat45. Thanks.
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Need some insight, advice, validation or something please.........
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4024.msg261621#msg261621
a few words left on your thread. :)
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Posted a question
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4140.0
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I don't know, this might already been answered on the site,(I know I've read some stuff on FOO) and if not, it might make a good thread.
just wondering if other LBS's can look at their spouses childhood and see MLC in their spouses or their own parents history.
I ask because, from what I've gathered (W's mom died when W was 12, so I never met her) MIL had an affair and they were in the D process when they decided to reconcile and then MIL pasted away a couple years later. I believe that MIL was about the same age as W. Additionally my mom was an MLCer also about the same age(40).(I shared what she had to say about her experience on my,backstory thread, she thinks W is acting irrationally but can relate)
just wondering
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=post;topic=3608.90;last_msg=263286
Hi! Could use some insight on my thread. Hope that's the right link. I'm on my phone.
Thanks!
I responded on your thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3608.95
Limitless
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I am wondering how to trust but verify. At what point do you stop spying - when you are satisfied? I have some good evidence that my H affair is over but I want to verify that he is not still friends with her, especially hanging out with her after work. He gets home about 2 hours after he's done working and at this point he has gotten fed up with my spying (it caused a lot of tension/fighting between us and embarrassment of him) and if I get caught, it will cause more problems if he is truly not doing anything. I have a lot of evidence that he has been two-faced to me. :( I am wondering if we have peace right now only because he is getting away with what he wants after work because he has put the fear in me that if I spy anymore "just divorce him". He said that out of anger and embarrassment over my last spying though where I showed his bartender friends pics of him and her and asked if they'd been there. This was over a month ago. Things have been smooth since and really good in the past week (no showering right after work). Now that he has put his guard down a bit, I wonder if I should verify that he is not doing anything by renting a car and checking on him after work this week. I don't want to spend the money but I also don't want to be sleeping with my entire town should anything be going on (this girl had another guy coming out of her apartment last week which was encouraging to me except that I was also told that "she gets around". My H does not know I know this about the other guy). My mother and sister are going to come here next weekend and H is going on an overnighter with his friend. I am very nervous about this because he has 4 tickets to a casino event and so far tells me only the two of them are going. I wish he'd realize what that looks like to me. I think I would have a huge relief if I could see that nothing was going on after work this week. Please let me know what you think I should do, I need to know quickly. I can't drive my own car to check on him because he has a lot of friends near work coming and going and the car is SO obvious/unique.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4160.40
answered on your thread.
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Sorry to be a pest but I got the big D text today and don't know what to think. Thanks anyone who can help me.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3608.msg264337#msg264337
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Could I get a bit of perspective on my thread please... thanks
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4229.msg264992#msg264992
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Need some help of anyone's been through the nasty divorce.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4140.0
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I'm looking for the article that talks about MLCers leaving and how some say it is temporary with plans to return and mean it while others say it as a conscious lie ect. If anyone knows which one I'm talking about and can respond to this I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks
Shaggy
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Could use some insight, inspiration, encouragement....had a really obsessive weekend. Thanks!
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3608.msg266326#msg266326
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hi Have started a new thread but cant see it anywhere have i done something wrong ?? really needed to get some feedback
Answered on your thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4269.0
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Hi - could I get some input on my thread please ...thanks
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4229.msg267076#msg267076
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please can someone read my thread and give me a bit of advice even if i have just ranted thanks just feeling bit crappy today
Responded on thread and Stayed too!
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Not feeling well today.just want to give up.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4140.0
Answer on your thread - OldPilot
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Possible touch-n-go! Not sure what to do and could use some guidance.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3608.0;all#lastPost
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Help. How do I react?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4140.0
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Hi, need some advice...please
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3924.0
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I could really use some input on my thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4187.60
I don't want to be roommates forever :(
Thanks
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Hi - I started a thread on the community board but, it was my first post and I'm not sure I did it right. I have a heart instead of the book beside the post - probably because I changed ithe message icon to "interacting with your MCLer". I don't know how to change it or how to link it to this thread.
Help :o
You did great. :) I changed it to the book icon. Welcome here! - Ready2Transform
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Isn't 13mths of separation and yet still nothing from my W , enough ?
l've stayed loyal to us , although l haven't told her that because l've had nothing from her.
She's still in her rental , no talk of us , nothing .
l see her 2 or 3 times a wk either picking up or dropping of my d and l visit d there and hang out with her 3 or 4hrs over at x's rental
and x is usually around to.
But l don't want to be in that place truth be know but never the less. Nothing us , from x in all this time .
Is it time to just move on ?
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Is it time to just move on ?
Only you can answer this question. As far as MLC goes, 13 months is still a very short amount of time, I'm afraid. I thought my husband would be a quick returner - I'm now at 28 months, still in replay. My suggestion is that you focus on yourself so your heart can better hear what path to take. You may come to feel that she needs more time to work through her issues, and even though you can't see 'movement' in front of you, it would be worth it to give more space before making a life altering decision. Or, you may see that it's time you take a different road, and be able to more confidently step onto it.
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Hawk it is too soon to expect anything I am on 2 yrs 7 months and no end in site. I battle the decision every day when I feel loney and know he has OW.
I have a question. For Thanksgiving I did not say anything to H. I usually text or he texts me in a group text. This time he only called kids. Do we ignore holidays with them? Or do we send the text, email, or card that we do to friends and family. Honestly I sent nothing to anyone. Only responded to texts I got. Just not feeling it that day.
This my thread http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4140.0
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I personally think you should feel it out and do what feels right. Since you didn't do it for anyone else, I wouldn't purposely have done anything for him either. I didn't have any correspondence with my MLCer, didn't last year either, and I don't feel that will effect the journey one bit. Perhaps when he is in a different place in the tunnel that will change, but for now this feels right.
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Any help on the past cpl of posts made today would be greatly appreciated as I am a lil confused as about what to do n how to take this?? It is what it is... by Holdinon2hope. Thank you in advance :)
Answered on your thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4306.msg272379#msg272379 - OP
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3608.130
Could use a little support. Touch and go turned out to be nothing and I'm feeling like giving up. Isn't this when LBS tend to give up? So frustrating!
Answered or questioned on your thread - OP
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Ok when you send a truth dart that H knows he don't love Ow n his response is that at this point he don't think he even loves himself. How do you respond to that?
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My question is. We are supposed to live life as they are never coming back. So if we stand for our marriage doesn't it mean we are hoping for the day they do? If I live that way, I am moving on. I deserve to know what it is like for someone to actually live me not just one way of me loving them. I am not wanting to choose to live alone for the rest of my life.
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My question is. We are supposed to live life as they are never coming back. So if we stand for our marriage doesn't it mean we are hoping for the day they do? If I live that way, I am moving on. I deserve to know what it is like for someone to actually live me not just one way of me loving them. I am not wanting to choose to live alone for the rest of my life.
Personally? I dislike the phrase "live life as if they are never coming back". You should live your life as if they are not coming back right now. I've compared it to your spouse being in the military and are deployed overseas; they will return to you at some point, but you don't know when.
There are no guarantees in life; you could choose to Stand, no matter what, and never be with someone again because your husband, for whatever reason, doesn't come back to you. You could give up your Stand and continue to bounce from unsatisfying relationship to unsatisfying relationship, looking for someone to treat you way you think you "deserve" to be treated.
It's possible that your husband will return to you and you spend the rest of your life with someone who will truly value your relationship from that point on, knowing that you have seen the worst of each other and weathered that storm. It's also possible that you leave this marriage behind you and find someone who has been through similar trials in their own life and has learned what it means to make a marriage work.
Or you could be hit by a bus crossing the street tomorrow, rendering all of these possibilities irrelevant.
You have the freedom to Stand for your marriage, and the freedom to end your Stand when it's not right for you any more. You need to decide what is right for you, and do it. Maybe what is right for you right now isn't right for you in a year, or two years, or five years; that's OK!
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weird question, can anyone else see the void in their eyes, or is it just their spouse? trivial I know, but...... anybody?
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My answer is simple, follow your heart! I think that's pretty much what everyone on this site is doing.
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weird question, can anyone else see the void in their eyes, or is it just their spouse? trivial I know, but...... anybody?
I think if the person knows the MLCer well, they can see the difference in their eyes. But perhaps if they're not as familiar, they won't know the MLCer was ever different. I know with my H, the 'shark eyes' were one of the earliest symptoms I noticed. Others said they could tell he was a little off, but I don't think anyone noticed that shift in his appearance as much as I did.
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please can someone look at my thread :-(
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weird question, can anyone else see the void in their eyes, or is it just their spouse? trivial I know, but...... anybody?
I'm noticing that it isn't just a void. It seems when he is cycling and in a "manic" state he has those weird , piercing eyes but they seem to be almost vibrating too. In my case, H isn't around anyone else long enough for them to notice except maybe the alienator(s?) and I doubt they are stable enough to notice. I now judge where my H is in his cycling based on his eyes. Actually saw the real guy for about week not too long ago!
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Question: Is there any insight as to whether the sitch is one long affair versus a series of alienators?for example, does multiple affairs mean high energy replayers? Longer time in limbo? That sort of stuff. Honestly, my H (at home clinging boomerang) is so secretive that I don't know what's going on with him, though patterns seem to have changed and lead me to believe he is on OW3, 4,.... Rather than being gone for a week or so and taking clothes, he seems to just stay out one or two nights a week and doesn't take anything with him.
Answered on your thread http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4352.new#new
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Are there any stats on MLCers returning home? And if so, does it work or is there too much wreckage? Is there such a thing as a happy ending other than the LBS getting a life and moving on?
I guess I'm wondering if there is any data on the odds of surviving this with a marriage or the MLCer ever returning back to someone at least recognizable as pre-MLC
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Are there any stats on MLCers returning home? And if so, does it work or is there too much wreckage? Is there such a thing as a happy ending other than the LBS getting a life and moving on?
I guess I'm wondering if there is any data on the odds of surviving this with a marriage or the MLCer ever returning back to someone at least recognizable as pre-MLC
There is a blog article with two parts
Here is part one
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/standing-and-divorce/hope-expectations-probability-part-i/
Part two is linked in the article and there is also a topic in the archives that I can move back here if you want to post on it.(It is linked in the article)
Here is one other blog post too.
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/midlife-crisis-what-are-the-odds/
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Hi Donein, there is also the purple book on the front page here titled: Links to Reconciliation. Anything is possible if you let-go first so you both can have some peace and time alone. May take a few years but it is possible and it does happen.
Hugs for you.
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I has a question ;D
How do we know a mlcer is trying to reconnect when they cling on so much that it almost feels like they never truly disconnected in the 1st place?
I am finding it hard to discern touch and goes and reconnection. I am guessing that anything happening before at least the 2 year mark is to be taken as touch and goes?
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I has a question ;D
How do we know a mlcer is trying to reconnect when they cling on so much that it almost feels like they never truly disconnected in the 1st place?
I am finding it hard to discern touch and goes and reconnection. I am guessing that anything happening before at least the 2 year mark is to be taken as touch and goes?
Booboo, I am in the same boat right now ??? It has been a 1 year since BD and I see a lot of touch n goes but no real change in H. H is definitely a clinger and I don't see how he is going to progress while he holds on so tightly to me.
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I has a question ;D
How do we know a mlcer is trying to reconnect when they cling on so much that it almost feels like they never truly disconnected in the 1st place?
I am finding it hard to discern touch and goes and reconnection. I am guessing that anything happening before at least the 2 year mark is to be taken as touch and goes?
Booboo, I am in the same boat right now ??? It has been a 1 year since BD and I see a lot of touch n goes but no real change in H. H is definitely a clinger and I don't see how he is going to progress while he holds on so tightly to me.
Me, too! Do they have to leave at some point so that they can come back?
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I think so, Madmax.
I am waiting for him to withdraw and do some thinky. I wish he'd get on with it because his clinging is getting out of hand. The man will not listen when I imply he should back off until he can treat me with respect.
He just doesn't know how to anymore and expects me to guide him.
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Could use some input on comms with H:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4352.20#lastPost
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Hello- I posted this on my thread but no one replied... Sooooooo=
I have my first interaction with H on Sunday. I have no clue what type of attacher or his energy level is, as he's only been gone since Monday. He's been in crisis for at least 2 years, BD1 was in August. Can some of the mentors please advise on how to handle this 1st interaction?
If he cries can I hug him, or am I stoic?
I am laying boundaries, I.e. No drop-ins. If he wants to see me he has to ask and notify first.
Do I tell him I love him still? I already did, but I am Paving the Way. I am very confused on that, and I have read all the articles but I am still unclear how to approach that.
Do I keep telling him I will be here when he figures it out (I already did when he left)?
I KNOOOOOW HE IS NOT READY/MAY NEVER BE READY TO COME BACK HOME, buuuuut if he tries to just to fool himself, do I tell him no? Or let him go through it and cycle?
Thank you for any answers/advice! I am torn between wanting to see him and being so nervous that I don't want to see him.
edit = answered on her thread - OldPilot
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4396.0
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4406.0
Need more advice on my situation please
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Hi
Might not be classed at emergency but I have had some bad days probably due to christmas emotions.
Wondering if anyone could check my last posts and give their opinion. I think I am crazy making as RCR would say.
My thread is titled wish I was not here.
Many thanks
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Does anyone know how long RCR is going to be on maternity leave? I would really love to have her coaching but I am not able to do Skype at the times she has for office hours. The written coaching is what would work best since H is still at home.
Thanks
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Does anyone know how long RCR is going to be on maternity leave? I would really love to have her coaching but I am not able to do Skype at the times she has for office hours. The written coaching is what would work best since H is still at home.
Thanks
Well when you have 3 young kids how long does it take until you have free time?
I would say about that long.
They are her priority just as it should be.
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This question is for anyone who is reconciling or has already. Does there ever come a time that the mLC'er will come clean and spill the truth? If the lbs'er wants to know things about the Ow like how they met, what life was like with them during the time they were "happy", or even things that they disliked about ow will they ever be able to talk about it? I am a person that likes to know everything. I am more afraid of the unknown than afraid of being hurt by the truth. I still feel like he is my husband and I should know everything about him. It kills me that he lives a life with someone else. I have a hard time wanting to reconcile when I feel like I couldn't do it with all that he has done. I feel it's impossible.
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My thread is wish i was not here
i have posted a couple of questions on my thread regarding recent developments.
Basically she must be gossiping with D15 about if I have a GF as I am being questioned extensively by D15 and I know by the reasoning that it is her mums words and she also has passed a message through my D15 to my dad saying she would like him to talk to him and she misses him. WTF. Did not put the message through me though.
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This question is for anyone who is reconciling or has already. Does there ever come a time that the mLC'er will come clean and spill the truth? If the lbs'er wants to know things about the Ow like how they met, what life was like with them during the time they were "happy", or even things that they disliked about ow will they ever be able to talk about it? I am a person that likes to know everything. I am more afraid of the unknown than afraid of being hurt by the truth. I still feel like he is my husband and I should know everything about him. It kills me that he lives a life with someone else. I have a hard time wanting to reconcile when I feel like I couldn't do it with all that he has done. I feel it's impossible.
I am not reconciling but I do think how much an MLCer comes clean may be an individual choice. For me, the first couple of years of the crisis, there were so many things I was planning on asking my husband about if he ever came back. Now, I realize the details really don't matter. In fact, there are many things I am probably better off not knowing. What is it going to change? Yes, there are things that need to be brought up and out in the open, but I am not sure every little detail is needed.
That being said, I think in order to rebuild trust, there needs to be transparency. While I don't think I need to know every detail, I do want my husband to be willing to be honest and open if I do have questions.
Even if they return, it may take them awhile to be able to get to that point.
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Like Trusting said, it will depend of the MLCer. And of the LBS. And how long it will take them to return. What we may had wanted to know early on we may no longer want to know.
Agree, trust requires transparency but, again, the LBS may not want to know/ask for certain details.
I still think the fact Mr J lives with someone else will not allow for us to reconcile. Why? I don't want to live my life with a man that spend more than 5 years with another woman while still married to me. Were we divorced things may be different.
But for me that is an individual/personal issue. The LBS will be the one to decide what they want/need, not the MLCer.
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Could really use some help as S17 n H are back home...don't know for how long or what's gonna happen..so how do I act n what happens now?? What do I do?? Please help
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Dont know if i doing right thing i need to start a new thread and gove my self a new name , how do i change my name and will people find hdic (under new name )
had such a bad morning after doing so well h informed me things are ecalating quicker than he imagined there, he and ow got house lined up nearby (dont know why i feel so crap about it knew it was coming but feel i been BD yet again, i reacted and shouldnt have but they have knack of drawing you in , i afraid i was a bit rude and told him good luck they will need it.
he replied "shame that that was your response i did expect something different :-(, sorry , i suppose you are entitled to call me what you believe" ,
i then proceeded to say what did you want me to do give you and the woman who is also a marraige wrecker my blessing?? and told him not to contact me anymore
i so mad at myslef but then you start thinking what did he expect my reposnse to be ?
he also told me that if he had nt ruined and tarnished everything we had he has no doubt that we would be together for the rest of our lives, ?????
WTF here we go again and i LET myslef be made a fool of yet again, i feel so crap now :'(
please help need advice from my friends on here x
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Can I get some advice on my thread, please!
"Willing to work through it"
Thanks
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4396.30
I think this is my thread... Lol
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hello (former how do i cope here )
please can someone lock my old thread and let people know i have changed my name to i will and can cope my new thread is called i will be rising from the ground like a ...skyscraper
thank you . :)
Edit -Locked - You can add it to your signature too. - Old Pilot
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This is for the moderators rather than mentors, I suppose but can someone please make the discussion thread "links and articles for us all to share" a sticky.
I can't find the sticky tag anywhere and there are so many useful links that other LBSers come up with. It would be good to build this up especially for newbies or early LBSers like myself.
The link is http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3859.msg281964#new
It also helps those of us find other LBsers that perhaps we haven't come across.
Many thanks
Edit - I really think there are too many stickies now. I can add it to your signature or put a link in one of the other posts that are already stickied - OldPilot
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Sorry to be a pest by posting in here. Ive been going batty the last couple days and posted a few things on my thread. I just need some thoughts and feedback.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4439.0;all
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Hi,
This is the link to my thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4203.0
i would really like that someone takes a look at my sitch. I was in early reconnection stage (I thought). H broke off with OW, moved in again but is completely dishonest about his contact OW. H chases her and she does not want anymore for now
H does not know I know all this
Thanks
E
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What's an easy way to find your thread?
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What's an easy way to find your thread?
Click on your own user name, and under Profile Info on the left, click on Show Posts. It will show all of the posts you've posted on listed from most recent. You can also click on "notify" for any thread (on the same menu as the reply button at the top and bottom of each thread), to have responses emailed to you that you can click to get directly to from your email program, or you can bookmark your thread in your browser.
Edit - Also after you show all your posts you can then hit topics and find all the threads of a person. - OldPilot
Edit - Thank you for adding that, I'd never noticed it! - RT2
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Hi All,
I could really use some advice on my thread; I think I might have really screwed up!
The thread is titled "she might leave you, but you'll never leave her"
Sorry I don't know how to link my thread on my iPad.
Thanks
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4437.msg285004#msg285004
Answered on your thread - R2T
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Hi all, I am hoping that someone might be able to help me attach my previous threads to my current one. I think I know how to do it now but I can't edit it.
Current thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4477
Previous thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3380.0
Many thanks ;D
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Would really like to hear some thoughts on how to handle H bringing OW into my house while I am traveling >:(
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4437.80
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I sort of buried this in a long, rambling paragraph so-do we communicate to them that we intend to stand? Or at least not to go out doing the stuff they are doing? The Weeper seems to think I will have a line of 25 year olds at the bedroom door the minute he leaves the house. Or at least some guy who makes a lot of money.
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Are there posts on when they are home and what to do when they are,even if it's just touch and goes?
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Bipolared,
Here is an article that answers your question, I think -
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_planting-seeds_communicating-your-stand.html (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_planting-seeds_communicating-your-stand.html)
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Are there posts on when they are home and what to do when they are,even if it's just touch and goes?
Here's a couple of RCR's blogs about her approach
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/self-focus/what-i-did-as-a-stander/
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/what-if-the-affair-starts-again/
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hi everyone
i have posted on my thread REALLY need some advice and thoughts please thank you
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Bipolared,
Here is an article that answers your question, I think -
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_planting-seeds_communicating-your-stand.html (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_planting-seeds_communicating-your-stand.html)
Thanks Mitzpah!
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I am knew to this site and have a question. I am being told to get rid of the bad influence on my wife that is half her age. Should I call their boss as my wife of 18yrs is having an affair with a supervisor on her job? He is her night in shining armour
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I am knew to this site and have a question. I am being told to get rid of the bad influence on my wife that is half her age. Should I call their boss as my wife of 18yrs is having an affair with a supervisor on her job? He is her night in shining armour
Welcome to the site, lifeistooshort. I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. Who is telling you to do that? I can't predict the exact outcome, of course, but as an outsider, it would seem like calling your wife's boss would probably get her and/or her supervisor fired - and probably not end the affair. If you are Standing, I would suggest you not do that. It may initially feel good to "get even" with them, but won't build any bridges between you two. MLC takes as long as it does, and if that is what is happening with your W, that action won't return her heart to you. Only time and healing, be it emotional, physical, chemical, whatever her issue is - will stand a chance of doing that.
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How do we know the o.p. is gone if we don't ask? I know we shouldn't ask a lot of questions and let them be. My husband has been around a lot lately,days and maybe a week at at time. Contact may only be texting if that. When I ask questions it causes an argument. He doesn't want to talk about any of this yet.
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How do we know the o.p. is gone if we don't ask? I know we shouldn't ask a lot of questions and let them be. My husband has been around a lot lately,days and maybe a week at at time. Contact may only be texting if that. When I ask questions it causes an argument. He doesn't want to talk about any of this yet.
I think you've probably answered your own question. You'll know when he's ready to tell you, but for right now he's still in replay and whether she's in the picture or not, he's not at that point yet. What would you do differently if you knew? How would it change the situation?
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Can someone add my past threads yo my new thread..please?? I still don't know how to do that from a phone. Thank you.
N when the H tells you to move on...that he is going to court to get his right even though S doesn't want to be around Ow is it actually over??
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I have linked all your threads and locked the old one.
Don't listen to his blustering Monster. He already tried to come back once. Ignore him. He is trying to get the drama going again. The only way you can take the fun out of this is by not playing his game.
Even if you divorce, it's not necessarily over. Eternity and her H have been divorced for a year or almost after 3 years of MLC before the D. He is now living back with her.
Stay calm, breathe, GAL and leave H out where the buses don't run.
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Thank you learning. I'm not playing his games..I mean if he wants me to move on then by damn that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna learn to ride a motorcycle like I want n I'm gonna learn yo drag race ;) ;D.
I even thought about changing my number.. ;) just let him talk to the boys on their phones n leave me be ;). I feel stronger today after a crying day test..then mad n now..I'm ok. Let's see how long this lasts..lol. thanks again!! ;) :D
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What is considered a 2nd or 3rd BD?
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What is considered a 2nd or 3rd BD?
I don't think there's any definitive meaning for it like there is for the "ILYBINILWY" speech being a BD. For me, BD2 was getting the affair confirmed.
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My thread has been locked prematurely. Is there a way to unlock it?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4477.msg291232#new
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I did the same thing once H&A. There's a lock button on the bottom of the replies. If you have locked it, it will give the option of unlock. I have unlocked it.
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I don't know how to post a link I'm on an iPhone my thread is Give me a bat an E7 and an E5...I think I have just ruined any hope I may have had.. I don't know what to do... Help please
Thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4589.0
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I've posted several times on my thread, but haven't had a lot of conversation going on there so I thought I'd post here. BD was Oct 2013. We went through Christmas with him here every other weekend, I guess pretending everything was ok for our families? Day after Christmas, he tells me he needs to work on him and OW, but we can still be friends. ::) He has now met her kids and I can only assume that means he won't need to come here because he can stay with her. I'm not exactly sure how the "friends" thing fits in if he never sees me, but whenever I say anything about it, he assures me that OW is ok with us being friends and that she knows he'll be back here to spend time with us sometimes. Who knows if she even knows I still exist though...he doesn't text me or call if he's with her so not so sure she's as on board as he says. All of his stuff is still here, I still have my name on his account because he wants me to help, and he also just brought me his prescriptions for Adderall last week so he won't lose them. ???
I don't want to tell him to take all his stuff and go because I think he would take that the wrong way and never return. His ADD is very black & white on some things. I don't want to say we can't be friends for the same reason. I DO want him to come back, but I know that's a long time in coming, if ever. In the meantime, I am doing things that make me happy, which will be even easier come spring when I can get outside and work in the yard. The trouble is, even though I am doing things at make me happy, I am CONSTANTLY thinking about him or reading forums or articles about this. I don't really think about what he's doing with her...he was playing video games all this wknd so if that's their wknd life together, I know that can only last so long so I really don't concern myself with that. I don't really know what I think about, a little of everything I guess. Maybe it's all the forum reading and articles...I don't know. I feel ok with "moving on" but then he'll come over and we'll have a nice day together and then I barely hear from him for 2 weeks. I get a good morning text every day and sometimes he'll ask what I'm doing, like he always did, so I know I am on his mind as well.
So, my question is this...what should I be doing? I think the amount of reading material available is great, but how do you step away from all of it? Is it normal to think about this so much? I find myself needing to find something else to do or look at so I quit thinking about it for a while, but as soon as I stop doing whatever it is, I go back to thinking about some aspect of it. I sleep well and eat fine...don't feel like I am worried or stressed out about it. I do think it will be much easier once there's no snow on the ground and I can get outside and DO something....but what do I do until then? We got like 2 more months of winter to go!
On a side note, I do realize a lot of you were married for many years and I was not, however we had the kind of relationship that FELT like a marriage. We had plans to marry after his son graduates HS in May. We also went to HS together so have known each other for 25 years. The ADHD forum says to drop him & his stuff & run like the wind, but I can't do that, even if we aren't married. Standing seems like it makes sense for right now, just need to figure out how close to stand. ;)
If you want to post on my thread or move this to there, my thread is called "who are you and what did you do with the love of my life?" Thanks in advance!
(Answered on thread.)
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Can anyone elaborate on touch n go or reconnection? I've read the article but am still a little confused. There is definite movement from my H I'm just wondering if it could be reconnection
Thank you
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I am visiting some closes friends of both my W and mine (xxx&yyyy). XXX is the one that introduced my W and I. They asked me a question that I didn't really know how to answer.
They asked me how they are supposed to act? Are they supposed to have no contact? Are they supposed to be completely honest? (knowing that they could also get pushed away). They are full of feelings and trying to understand this as well and want to react appropriately.
My answer was...If you want to tell her how you feel to make yourself feel better, then tell her now. If you want to tell her how you feel in hopes of getting through to her or her having some understanding, then you will have to wait until she is ready to have the conversation. That was my opinion.
But, I would really like to know the opinions of people that have been at this a bit longer than I.
Please assist.
Here is my thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4612.0
Edit for names that are not allowed on the site for privacy and security reasons. - OldPilot
I answered you on your thread and think the same applies.
Your friends should do as they choose.
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Can anyone elaborate on touch n go or reconnection? I've read the article but am still a little confused. There is definite movement from my H I'm just wondering if it could be reconnection
Thank you
It's pretty much impossible to know which one it is until you can look back with hind sight and see that the touch and goes became more frequent and became reconnection, or that they paused again and the MLCer went back to replay.
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I'm a bit confused about everything at the moment and would appreciate some input please.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4024.150
TIA
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Need some help. Do I even respond? Should I respond: "We are well. D14 misses having her cat (because bringing the cat wasn't an option, but I am working some options for having the cat closer)"
I changed the names in the emails...except for the pets. I figured they didn't need to be protected.
READ FROM THE BOTTOM FOR IT MAKE SENSE:
___________________________________________________
oh, okay, yeah do keep me posted... I think he would be happier here with Willow and Bailey then with a stranger... are you thinking your landlord might let you have him?
March 1st I can go, YAY! :)
I know I haven't spent a lot of time with you, I have been so busy I can barely keep up with myself... but I want you to know I am thinking about you, and D14. How are you guys doing... adjusting to life, and the new place?
W
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W,
March 1st is D14 volleyball tournament, not May 1st.
I would like to take care of Dennis vet bill. I am still working on a solution to have him come down here and at least be closer to us. I will keep you posted on that.
Thank you,
J
___________________________
So $182.50 okay, I will write you a check... you don't have to pay for Dennis's vet bill :)
Thanks I'll get the linked account switched over.
And thank you for giving me D14 schedule... I am going to be on a ship from April 24th - May 8th so I won't be able to come to that tournament, but please keep me updated on her calendar if you have time... I do still want to watch and support her activities
Looks like you had a good visit in Colorado.. I'm glad you went, that has been a long time coming for you, hope it was as fun as it looked :)
-W
________________________________________
Hi there,
I hope all is well.
The Verizon bill is due. Total bill is $312.30. If I pay the $180 I normally pay it leaves a balance of $132.50.
The Comcast bill is due. I will pay everything above the $50 that you would be paying.
I am paying both the Verizon and Comcast bill, so you can just pay me.
Dennis is due for some shots and a check up. I have a check for you to cover the cost of this. Would you mind making the appointment and taking him in?
Your LinkedIn account is tied to your xxx@xxx.com email. In case you wanted to change it. There really isn’t anything of substance coming into that email so I will probably delete it by months end.
Also, D14 has a volleyball tournament at Mt Hood Community College on May 1st. I do not have the times yet but she usually plays 3 games in the morning between 8 & 12…the afternoon games are dependent on how they finish in the morning.
Take care,
J
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jermishere - it sounds as though you need to keep the communication open re bills and animals and your D.
I would let her contact you, but when she does, I personally would briefly respond.
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I feel that my relationship with my H is at a crucial point and I would welcome comments from a mentor please??
My thread is CONFUSED IN UK PART 3.
Thank you.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4456.0
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Hello,
My recent post (including my last main thread) is here:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4640.0
I would appreciate some mentorship/advice re my situation.
I am 7-8 weeks since BD and am only now JUST finding my feet through the shock (its happening very gradually).
I am confused and concerned whether my WAP is really in MLC or not - I guess I would appreciate some reminders of the process, particularly the role/purpose of OW, and the issue of NC.
Neither of us are in any contact with the other - last contact was an email from him to me over three weeks ago.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.
B X
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4660.0
Not an emergency, just was able to speak some truths to my H and would like some feed back on his response. I haven't responded back to him yet and am not sure if I should or not.
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Where can I find statistics on reconciliation with a spouse in MLC? In particular if the MLCer is W.
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4611.msg297210#msg297210
Major issue or not I'm just not sure..... If I could have some input I think it would really help me to preserve my sanity right now... I have written a few posts the last few days without getting responses, that is why I am posting here.... Thank you
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I moved your topic to "Ask a Mentor" and responded on your thread.
Hugs,
L
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4611.msg297210#msg297210
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Hi Mentors,
My H wants to come home.
His depression has sucked the joy out of any fun with OW.
He is not earning much money, and is misrable.
No remorse, just very worried, stressed out and tired.
I have said I do not consider this a reconciliation, and need some time to think about this.
I am moving to a beautiful town about an hour away, and he wants to come with me.
He wants to "get away from here".
Trying to relocate to escape himself?
I think OW has given him an ultimatum to start earning or go....
He mentioned , if I don't have a roof over my head, then nor does he.
I don't trust him, but I could use this as an opportunity to let the mlc play out while he remains "at home".
I think I read there was more chance of reconcilliation if the mlc remained at home.... I may be wrong.
So I need a bit of help establishing a few ground rules.
Any advice would be helpful.
answered on your thread.
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can you guys please head to my thread. i just posted about a conversation with h today. i'm really floored now. i need help.
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please can you link my threads and some replies would be welcome I know i dont post much but i do try :-(
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4741.0
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I have connected all your previous threads. I know Anjae connected one of them, but I moved all of them over.
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Just had BD #? I've lost track of the number. I haven't posted in a while and could use some insight on my thread. Thanks!
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4352.0
answered on your thread.
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Am new here, got some issues that I could really use some advice on. Is this the correct way to link here ?
Cannot find a link to the post directly.
Many thanks,
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4758.msg302316#msg302316
(Changed the link to the message with your question in it and answered on your thread).
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Just reread postings about cake eating and reconnection on Panda's link and now I think I may have rolled up the welcome mat. Wondering if I should extend an olive branch.
Thanks for any insight.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4352.70
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I know you were starting a "new" list for mentors when I started on the forum. I hadn't heard anything yet, so I'm just checking to be sure I hadn't fallen through the cracks.
THANKS!
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Ukusa, I checked and you are on the list. The amount of newbies compared to the amount of mentors is huge. We will get you in.
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I know you were starting a "new" list for mentors when I started on the forum. I hadn't heard anything yet, so I'm just checking to be sure I hadn't fallen through the cracks.
THANKS!
Ukusa, I checked and you are on the list. The amount of newbies compared to the amount of mentors is huge. We will get you in.
Yes you are first on the list and unfortunately we seem to only be assigning mentors once a month or so now.
If I miss anyone please PM me or RCR and let us know that you want a mentor.
Thanks
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I don't know what to do, nor where to turn nor what to think. I was referred to this blog because it is so helpful. W of 23 years left me two weeks ago, found out there were 2 affairs in the last three years. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. She says she cant see a future with me because I will never change. I'm a 43 year old no Drinking, drugs or abuse. HELP :'(
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I don't know what to do, nor where to turn nor what to think. I was referred to this blog because it is so helpful. W of 23 years left me two weeks ago, found out there were 2 affairs in the last three years. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. She says she cant see a future with me because I will never change. I'm a 43 year old no Drinking, drugs or abuse. HELP :'(
Sounds very MLC script. Sorry you are going through this, but glad you found us! Read everything you can in the blog and the main site (links for both in my signature if you haven't found them yet). It will help you make sense where there is none.
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I don't know what to do, nor where to turn nor what to think. I was referred to this blog because it is so helpful. W of 23 years left me two weeks ago, found out there were 2 affairs in the last three years. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. She says she cant see a future with me because I will never change. I'm a 43 year old no Drinking, drugs or abuse. HELP :'(
If you haven't done it yet, I sugest that you start your own thread, tell your story and situation there so that we can both help and follow your story.
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I have a question and wondered if anyone had any thoughts. I frequently hear that people in MLC recoil or will move around to avoid being touched by their spouse. I dated someone for 6 years andlived together for 3 weeks post breakup. We still hugged or brushed up against each other and we were definitely DONE.
Is it is a mental thing with the MLCer? I find that so strange....Any thoughts appreciated.
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I have a question and wondered if anyone had any thoughts. I frequently hear that people in MLC recoil or will move around to avoid being touched by their spouse. I dated someone for 6 years andlived together for 3 weeks post breakup. We still hugged or brushed up against each other and we were definitely DONE.
Is it is a mental thing with the MLCer? I find that so strange....Any thoughts appreciated.
Mine said it was physically painful to be touched by me from about midway in 2010 though the end of 2011. He claimed to have what felt like a "bruised aura". I've found reference to people with really low serotonin, which I believe to be part of this, having a similar symptom, so I don't believe it was just an excuse he made up. He had a brief peep out of the tunnel at the end of 2011 where that subsided and he talked more about it - how it was confusing to him but very real. From 2012 on I observed it coming and going. Sometimes he *had* to hug me. Sometimes I could tell he was testing, to see if he *could* hug me. Other time he would go out of his way to avoid even bumping into me, even though it was him that was initiating in-person contact.
It's absolutely a sign how abnormal this is. I wish I could tell you something to change it, because it can be very hurtful to have even common physical contact withdrawn so cruelly and needlessly.
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I have a question and wondered if anyone had any thoughts. I frequently hear that people in MLC recoil or will move around to avoid being touched by their spouse. I dated someone for 6 years andlived together for 3 weeks post breakup. We still hugged or brushed up against each other and we were definitely DONE.
Is it is a mental thing with the MLCer? I find that so strange....Any thoughts appreciated.
Mine said it was physically painful to be touched by me from about midway in 2010 though the end of 2011. He claimed to have what felt like a "bruised aura". I've found reference to people with really low serotonin, which I believe to be part of this, having a similar symptom, so I don't believe it was just an excuse he made up. He had a brief peep out of the tunnel at the end of 2011 where that subsided and he talked more about it - how it was confusing to him but very real. From 2012 on I observed it coming and going. Sometimes he *had* to hug me. Sometimes I could tell he was testing, to see if he *could* hug me. Other time he would go out of his way to avoid even bumping into me, even though it was him that was initiating in-person contact.
It's absolutely a sign how abnormal this is. I wish I could tell you something to change it, because it can be very hurtful to have even common physical contact withdrawn so cruelly and needlessly.
It is one of the most bizarre things to witness. When my H is cycling towards me he will touch me - it is the most obvious sign that he is pursuing. So when he purposely doesn't touch me, he is distancing himself. My opinion is that my H is too weak to be able to touch me without him wanting it to be more and since he says that we can never be a couple again he has to keep control of his touching so he doesn't feel guilty about what he is doing. Their minds are very twisted.
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It is one of the most bizarre things to witness. When my H is cycling towards me he will touch me - it is the most obvious sign that he is pursuing. So when he purposely doesn't touch me, he is distancing himself. My opinion is that my H is too weak to be able to touch me without him wanting it to be more and since he says that we can never be a couple again he has to keep control of his touching so he doesn't feel guilty about what he is doing. Their minds are very twisted.
I see this exact thing with my H too S4A. Interesting.....
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Technical question: how can I remove my original post name from my posts? My h knows that name and if you google it, my entire thread pops up. Thank you!
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Technical question: how can I remove my original post name from my posts? My h knows that name and if you google it, my entire thread pops up. Thank you!
I think I fixed them all, and they are off the site, google may take longer.
PM me if you need to
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It is one of the most bizarre things to witness. When my H is cycling towards me he will touch me - it is the most obvious sign that he is pursuing. So when he purposely doesn't touch me, he is distancing himself. My opinion is that my H is too weak to be able to touch me without him wanting it to be more and since he says that we can never be a couple again he has to keep control of his touching so he doesn't feel guilty about what he is doing. Their minds are very twisted.
I see this exact thing with my H too S4A. Interesting.....
Me too! I had been wondering what was up with that b/c sometimes he will come and hug me hard but others he will stay 5 ft. away and not look at me. Just figured it was when he had been with an OW.
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It is one of the most bizarre things to witness. When my H is cycling towards me he will touch me - it is the most obvious sign that he is pursuing. So when he purposely doesn't touch me, he is distancing himself. My opinion is that my H is too weak to be able to touch me without him wanting it to be more and since he says that we can never be a couple again he has to keep control of his touching so he doesn't feel guilty about what he is doing. Their minds are very twisted.
I see this exact thing with my H too S4A. Interesting.....
Me too! I had been wondering what was up with that b/c sometimes he will come and hug me hard but others he will stay 5 ft. away and not look at me. Just figured it was when he had been with an OW.
Sometimes I make a game out of it ::) I will purposely move toward him to watch him move in the opposite direction! I personally don't think it has anything to do with OW. I think it is all in their head.
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Hi.
I've written on my thread that my husband is emailing D10 and now emailing me to get her to check. I've been NC recently as he ignores me trying to let him know how we are and asking how he is etc.
Today he emailed me again to ask her to check for new email and actually said 'how are you all doing?' Pursuit and withdrawl at it's finest!!
Any advice on how to respond to his limited contact would be appreciated
Thanks
My thread is childhood catching up with him
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I have searched for two days and can't find RCR's story about her timeline. Can someone help me?
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Hi Madmax
This blog article explains it.
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/midlife-crisis-and-infidelity/the-clinging-boomerang-soap-opera/
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4733.msg306139#msg306139
Feeling a bit out of control........ Is anyone here?
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I've lost the plot abit and could do with a bit of guidance please
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4651.10
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My head is messed up today ???
Could use some input on my thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4742.msg306340#msg306340
Thanks!
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Can someone point me in the right direction. I know there are writings about cycling behaviours near the end of replay/start of outward depression. My husband seemed to be heading into a dark place but either has managed to pull himself out and keep running or is peaking out and going back into replay where he thinks will solve it. I need to reread to gain some clarity. Please help.
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http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_progress_back-limbo-forward.html
LWH, I don't know if this is what you are experiencing, but try reading this. It talks about their back and forth movements within the tunnel.
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How do you change the title of your thread?
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I think that the recommendation is that you stick with your current title till 150posts but if you really want to change it then what can be done is to start a new topic and either I or one of the other mentor/ moderators will merge your existing topic with the new one and ensuring the new title.
However - I suggest you wait and see what Old Pilot says = he is the master craftsman of threads..
Changing your thread title could cause confusion as many people on here use notification of thread rather than user.
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How do you change the title of your thread?
Tell me the new title or PM it to me and I will change it for you
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Could use some help. Just found out H is moving out and introducing family to ow.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4352.0
Amended to correct link
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Sorry to keep posting here, but kids are in meltdown since meeting ow. Should I show this site to SD27? She's really angry but mature enough to understand.
Thanks again!
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Sorry to keep posting here, but kids are in meltdown since meeting ow. Should I show this site to SD27? She's really angry but mature enough to understand.
Thanks again!
Maybe that would not be good idea. You never know that Your SD will not share that with father ?
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Hi,
Just needing some advice re: contact with in-laws:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4481.110
Thanks for your support,
Sha
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Hoping for some insight...after about 1 yr of h abandoning his kids and moving into OW's and being angry towards the children, I have noticed the last month that he is really trying to be a better father! I know he is very much into replay and NO WAY near being done but is it normal for them to want to be a good father again during replay? Just don't want to be disappointed for my kids AGAIN
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4709.0
Answered on your thread.
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Could use some support. H moved out today while I was at work. And it's really rainy right now. :'(
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4352.0
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How do I send a private message to my mentor?
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Sorry, it's xyzcf.
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Hi Thunder,
If you look on the left side, under Xy's name, posts, gender, you'll see two (sometimes 3) little icons; 1 for view profile and 1 for personal message. Click on that and you should open up a new page from which you can send her a message. :)
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I no longer have the option to see "posts that I've replied to" in the upper left corner. I fact, that entire block of options and my name are missing. Is it just me?
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Madmax, I would contact Old Pilot. I am not tech savvy. My name and all the aforementioned options are there.
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I no longer have the option to see "posts that I've replied to" in the upper left corner. I fact, that entire block of options and my name are missing. Is it just me?
To the right of the search box in the upper right hand portion of this page is a small arrow
Click on the arrow and those features will be revealed to you. :) :) :)
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=34.msg165051#msg165051
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Awesome! Thanks, OP.
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Thank you, Fidelle. :)
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Hi Mods
A member suggested in a PM that I ask to join the alt. I understand from her that it is private and no-one who's not a member can see your posts but would my alt friends see that I have joined? My H is a FB friend and I certainly don't want him, or most others come to that, to know. Thanks. x
Edited to remove the alt group name in case anyone shares a computer with their spouse, and may find reference to it here. The group is private, and it's my understanding that no one, not even friends, can see the group.
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I can't find my old posts. I'm still in my relationship with my alien h. He wants sex. I can't give myself anymore to someone who yells at me. I need to feel loved, respected and cared for not afraid in order to have sex. In the meantime his anger is building toward me about sex. I'm considering ending it just because when he asks me what he can do I say be my friend again and stop yelling at me. He's got serious issues. He refuses to TALK to me. I'm so lonely and I feel ripped off. I thought I married my best friend and soul mate. The man I'm married to now refuses to court me I don't ask anymore. He just yells. That DOES NOT MAKE ME WANt SEX. Help!
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3111.msg247643#msg247643
hrtnbig - is this it?
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Hi guys,
I just received this via text from my MLC W, it has completely stumped me, and I don't know what to do/reply at the moment.
I am sorry that I have caused you so much pain. You have always been ,above all, my best friend and hurting and damaging a friend let alone your husband is unacceptable.
I accept that you will never forgive me and that we have both changed immensely due to this experience and that the scars from the ordeal are permanent and irreversible.
I regret that our bright future together is now just a distant memory.
I am glad that you are moving on as you deserve happiness.
I am proud of how we are still managing the children together, even though it can sometimes be very difficult. Our children were always very important to us...that is one thing that hasn't changed..thankfully.
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I've had a huge set back with a new OW (my neighbour) replacing the long, long term OW after that relationship ended about a month ago.
I don't think I can get past this one. She has been wanting to leave her h for years and I think she will do this very quickly now that my h and her have connected. Actually, what I really feel is scared. I knew that the R that h had with previous OW would go nowhere and was noting even though it was long term.
I'd appreciate any advice and especially from the long timers on how to getway through this very difficult time. Dontgiveup do you have any words of wisdom?
I also have a great urge to call h out on this one. Thoughts?
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3870.0
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Answered on your thread.
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I'd appreciate any advice and especially from the long timers on how to getway through this very difficult time. Dontgiveup do you have any words of wisdom?
Well, it's not my wisdom.....but the wisdom of others that I'll offer. I've linked one of RCR's articles that refers to this. My friend and I discussed this article more than once. His MLCer had 3 OM during her crisis, including the one she married (and subsequently divorced).
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance_mlcer-run-when-alienator-gone.html
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Hi all,
Just wondering if someone could please lock my thread. Are we able to do this ourselves?
Thankyou ;D
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4477.0
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Hello,
I'm currently waiting for a mentor (not 100% sure I'm on the list?) but I would appreciate some help if at all possible. I'm in the aftermath of bd, when the shock is wearing down and the depression settling in, and I just feel like I can't possibly make it through.
Thank you...
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4977.0
Edit- answered on your thread OldPilot
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So I am in need of some advice from my experienced friends. I met with my Pastor today for my weekly counseling session with him. He asked me to get advice from someone here who is experienced with these situations (he gave me his take but was curious what the support forum advice would be).
My H has not removed any of his stuff from the home except his guns (only because he is a collector & they are very valuable & he stupidly thought I would sell them...I would not). He told me to get rid of all his clothes as they are way to big after loosing about 90 pounds, so I had a yard sale. However everything else he owns is in the home & he has been gone since BD 2/17/2014. At first he didn't move his stuff because he thought he was still getting the new home. Well he found out last week that that is not happening, & now he is saying that he is going to keep living in the camper & possibly upgrade to a larger one. Today when he was sending me all these texts (& I was stupidly responding) I told him he needed to come get ALL his stuff if he is NEVER coming back to me. He responded to all the other texts with excuses, BS, etc. That text.....crickets.....like I never said a word. Every time I mention making changes to the home (selling some pieces, etc.) & ask him if he wants a piece that I am thinking of getting rid of.......crickets......
So what do I do about his stuff (a lot of stuff)? Do I give him a deadline (my Pastor's suggestion) & tell him that if you don't come & get all your stuff (& NOT send someone else to MY home to get it for you) in say 45 days then I will rent a storage unit in your name & you will be responsible for paying the bill & I will give him the key. Or do I just leave it alone & let him cook for a while. I have moved all of his items from the rooms that I use so that I don't have to look at them every day BUT I have 3 rooms that I cannot use. 2 of them I don't really care about but one I would like to make my craft room. Do I just try to take the stuff out of that room & cram the stuff into the two spare rooms & let him continue to "cook" for a while? What do I do? I can try to organize the two spare bedrooms a bit better & maybe sell some things that are not his, but how long do I let it go?
Yes he has had some reality checks in the past few weeks, but we are nowhere near the end of this....not as far as I can see.
answered on your thread
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Hello everyone. Thought I'd toss this out to see what experience anyone has had or read with regard to how pursuit and distance might change the MLC's R or perception of the OW. Especially if LBS goes a little dark after 2 years on the limbo roller coaster!
Please stop by my thread for my story:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4771.0
(hope I did that right!)
I know not to try to figure out what is in his head but wanted to see what you all think of this pursuit (taking more chances on the cell phone) and wonder if it is the same as his fantasy and pursuit of the OW except now I am the OW!
I know NC or going dim or dark is for me if I need it but wonder if I am suddenly less available and he has only OW if he will really start to see her true colors and realize it's not what he wants.
Looking forward to your feedback! Have a blessed day!
TNT
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New thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5048.0