Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Albatross on October 31, 2013, 10:00:40 AM
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1. Always focus on what you want rather than what you don’t want.
The mistake that most of us make when having a problem is to talk about it over and over again instead of focusing on the end result, instead of focusing on what we want to achieve.
2. Know that every problem comes with a lesson.
There is always a lesson in everything that happens to us, and we should constantly look for what that lesson is and master it, because you see, just as Confucius said, “If you make a mistake and do not correct it, this is called a mistake.”
3. Don’t believe everything you think.
Our problems aren’t as big as the mind is trying to convince us, and if you choose to believe every negative thought that goes through your mind, you will always get in trouble. Observe your mind, observe your thoughts, but don’t identify yourself with them. Go beyond them.
4. Gratitude.
Choose to express your gratitude for everything that happens to you, whether good or bad, and also for every person you interact with. The more you choose to express your gratitude, the more reasons you will have to express it, and when you’re too busy focusing on the many things that you are grateful for, there will be no more room left for stress and worry, there will be no more room left for negativity.
5. Know that there is a reason for everything.
As Romans 8:28 says, “All things work together for good to those who love God, and are called according to His purpose.” Therefore, everything that happens and every person who enters your life will ultimately do you good, if you keep your eyes and heart on the Transcendent and on Love, which is God. It’s your responsibility to act upon this knowledge rather than to judge events and people as “bad.” It’s all good, eventually. Believe it.
6. Let go of your need for perfection.
When you try to do everything perfectly, you will meet with stress and frustration, because it’s impossible to be perfect in everything you do. Why would you want to be perfect anyway? Don’t you know that perfection leaves no room for improvement?
7. Let go of your resistance.
Accept things as they are without you trying to change them, without trying to fight against them. When you stress over an outcome and when you resist what is, you fighting against the present moment, against the present reality, against the whole universe, and this is a battle you will never win. Allow yourself to just be. Go with the flow, and know that life wasn’t meant to be a struggle, even though that’s what your mind was trying to convince you all of these years. Learn to “Let go and let God,” knowing that “By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try, the world is beyond the winning” (Lao Tzu).
8. Learn to be present in everything you do.
When you become present and engaged in the now, your whole life will become easier and you will realize that problems will begin to disappear, little by little. If you get too caught up in your mind, and if you think too much about what happened in the past and about what may happen in the future, you will create a great deal of pain and suffering, and the energy you will generate will be toxic, not only for yourself, but also for those around you, because energy is contagious. Go with love in the present moment.
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I have to agree with everything here EXCEPT focusing on what you want.
In my recent experiences I have to focus on WHAT I DO NOT WANT first. I don't find that as a negative.
I do not want another abusive relationship. And I do not want to make the SAME mistakes again.
The only thing I do want right now is peace of mind which 99.9 percent of the time I have. It's that last niggle that gets me. ::)
So as far as I'm concerned as to where I was to where I am now?
I wouldn't trade THIS for anything!
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I have to agree with everything here EXCEPT focusing on what you want.
In my recent experiences I have to focus on WHAT I DO NOT WANT first. I don't find that as a negative.
I do not want another abusive relationship. And I do not want to make the SAME mistakes again.
If one don't know what he wants, then one don't know who he is. You have a lot people who answer on question "What You want." - "I want to be happy." Everybody want to be happy. To know what one want, one have to know who he is.
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I am; I simply am.
I think, but I am not my thoughts. I am.
I believe, but I am not my beliefs. I am.
I feel, but I am not my feelings. I am.
Pain and joy are transient, I am enduring.
I do, but I am not my actions. I am.
I experience, but I am not my experience. I am.
I want, but I am not my desires. I am.
I have but I am not my possessions. I am.
My body is not me. I am.
I live, but I am not my life. I am.
I was and I will be, but now I am.
I am not that. I am my self.
I alone am. I simply am.
I am; I simply am.
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I am a creation of God.
I am God's creation.
I am a child of God.
I have been created in God's image.
I have a trace of all the good things of God.
God gives me everything I need.
It is my obligation to give back....to God, to me, to others.
I am love, strength, courage, hope, peace, comfort, security, faith, contentment, calm, trust and joy.
I am the image of God.
That is who I am.
That is my identity.
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“When someone seeks," said Siddhartha, "then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal.
Seeking means: having a goal.
But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
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Maybe this thread is a little more complicated than I am.
I have peace of mind and with that comes everything else. Happiness, contentment, comfort, satisfaction.
When my peace of mind is disturbed I acknowledge it and have patience and disturbance soon fades and peace returns.
That's pretty much it right now.
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I think In It has a point. Often we just do not know what we want. We have spent so long looking after others that our needs and wants have been buried too deep for us to realise them.
If we can chip away at the things we know we don't want it makes it clearer to see what we do want in life.
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This is a beautiful thread, Albatross! Last year I read an amazing little book that I think you would like, too. It set me on a new path of self discovery. It's old and not popular, but that made it even more of a gem to me! It's called "Three Magic Words", and it is lovely: http://www.amazon.com/Three-Magic-Words-Uell-Andersen/dp/1466311681
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The only thing I do want right now is peace of mind...
So as far as I'm concerned as to where I was to where I am now?
I wouldn't trade THIS for anything!
Love YOU, InIt!! I'm dedicating this song to you. So, give it a fresh listen - and Crank it!!
Boston - Peace of Mind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGRrOEbY3pI (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGRrOEbY3pI)
Now if youre feelin kinda low bout the dues youve been paying
Futures coming much too slow
And you wanna run but somehow you just keep on stayin
Cant decide on which way to go
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Now everybodys got advice they just keep on givin
Doesnt mean too much to me
Lots of people out to make-believe theyre livin
Cant decide who they should be.
I understand about indecision
But I dont care if I get behind
People livin in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.
Take a look ahead, take a look ahead, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
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That book looks lovely ready2.
I ask the universe every day for ow to move forward away from my h and for my h to move forward through the tunnel that is MLC. Nothing so far, seems ow and h are settling down more and more! Grrrrr, come on universe do your stuff!
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Thank you so much WW!!! :'( :D I love you too!!
(((Hugs)))
InIT
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“Keep your thoughts positive because
YOUR THOUGHTS BECOME YOUR WORDS.
Keep your words positive because
YOUR WORDS BECOME YOUR BEHAVIOR.
Keep your behavior positive because
YOUR BEHAVIOR BECOMES YOUR HABITS.
Keep your habits positive because
YOUR HABITS BECOME YOUR VALUES.
Keep your values positive because
YOUR VALUES BECOME YOUR DESTINY.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
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I love this albatross, perfect.
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Just attaching :)
31
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Serenity prayer
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
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Below are the 12 steps taught at alaon meetings.. I substituted MLC or Mlcer in the 1st step. These basic priciples can be used for any addiction or difficulty to help overcome it. I attended these meetings years ago due to being an Adult Child of an Alcholic (ACOA) .
These Twelve Steps, adapted nearly word-for-word from the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, have been a tool for spiritual growth for millions of Al‑Anon/Alateen members.
At meetings, Al‑Anon/Alateen members share with each other the personal lessons they have learned from practicing from these Steps.
The Twelve Steps is one of Al‑Anon’s three Legacies, along with Al‑Anon’s Twelve Traditions and Twelve Concepts of Service.
Twelve Steps
1) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (MLC or Mlcer)—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2)Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3)Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5) Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6) Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7) Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8) Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs
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What a great thread!
I copied the Ghandi quote to my sticky notes on desktop. :)
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Attaching :)
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I used to live in a rental house in the middle of a peach orchard. One day, I smelled heavy smoke and went outside to see many of the fields in a controlled burn. Growing up in the big city, I had no idea what was going on and was a bit concerned. I went to the farmer's house that evening and asked him what was up with burning all these fields. Was there something wrong, a bug or disease? He told me that peaches lose their super sweet flavor and produce less fruit when the trees get older and he cuts the trees down every 3 years and burns the fields and this creates super fertile land to grow new trees on. He said next year, these fields would give him the best fruit.
Many years later, I saw myself as a peach orchard. My trees had been cut and I was engulfed in flames. The pain was so immense, I looked for any escape, but there was none. I was forced to wait until all was turned to ashes before the burning would cease. In the depths of my pain, the story that the farmer told me brought me a lot of comfort. I realized it was my time to prepare for sweeter and more abundant fruit in my life and that could only be done by uprooting everything and burning the fields.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3 verses 1 – 8
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Melissa what a beautiful metaphor for our moment in life right now. It's just perfect. Thank you for sharing.
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What a wonderful way to view life, thank you melissa2013 for sharing :):) Seriously, it is eye opening for me!!
(((hugs)))
31andcounting
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It is so true !
"Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor."
Sholom Aleichem
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POWERFUL
“When we learn to face and feel the fear and shame we habitually avoid, we begin to awaken from the trance.”
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The very softest thing of all can ride like a galloping horse through the hardest of things.
Like water, like water penetrating rock,
And so the invisible enters in.
That is why I know it is wise to act by doing nothing. And how few, how very few understand this!
People teach in the world what I know to be true:
if you live violently, that is how you will die.
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So true Albatross!! I remember many a time when I'd write on this site and some very strong people would advise me " when you are not sure what to do, do nothing!!" Very hard to do, but it has been the best advice of ALL the advice I think.
31andcounting
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More immortal Gandhi:
- “A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.”
- “Love never claims, it ever gives. Love ever suffers, never resents never revenges itself.”
- “It is good to see ourselves as others see us. Try as we may, we are never able to know ourselves fully as we are, especially the evil side of us.
This we can do only if we are not angry with our critics but will take in good heart whatever they might have to say.”
"If You follow old code of justice - an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth - You end up in the blind and toothless world."
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ABOUT ANGER
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"Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting other person to die."
-- Buddha
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"A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.”
I LOVE this!!!
And the anger post? That's my one signature sentence in a nutshell
"I can explain it to you; but I can not understand it for you"
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When you’re busy judging people, you have no time to love them.
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“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”
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Albatross.....nice!.....wonderful metaphor!
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“Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.”
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
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Attaching to this thread. I love all these quotes. I pick an inspirational quote each day to focus on it really does help
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Attaching. Need to read this thread everyday to remind me.
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"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
- Kahlil Gibran
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"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
- Kahlil Gibran
This what I am truly afraid of. I wasted half my life for someone who didn't ever reallywnt me.
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Correct. Our job is to remain positive and optimistic. In other words, to have faith.
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Knowing other people is intelligence, knowing yourself is wisdom.
Mastering other people is strength, mastering yourself is power.
If you realize that what you have is enough, you will be rich, truly rich.
~Tao
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Love this one, going to print it out and stick it to the fridge :)
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"I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go."
- Neil Gaiman
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Whatever happens around You don't take it personally...
Nothing other people do is because of You.
It is because of themselves.
-- Don Miguel Ruiz
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Joining. Looking forward to reading this. PG
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Let it be
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Yeah let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
There will be no sorrow, let it be eeee
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be no sorrow, let it be
Let it be, let it be, yeah let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Perhaps we should adopt this as LBS hymn ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcBnJw-H2wQ
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Love these. I've found a bunch on Pinterest too, if you need more.
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“Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering. - Yoda master Jedi”
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This is for MLCers:
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Albatross~ Great Reminder,Love it, thank you :)
31
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Love all these quotes Albatross!
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Love all these quotes Albatross!
Thank You. :)
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Me too, keeps reminding me to stay strong and focused.
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Love that Albatross :):):)
just printed it off, thanks
31andcounting
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Letting go is finding my inner balanced happiness. Thank you Albatross, this is what I had to read today.... And tomorrow and the day after...
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You are welcome 31andcounting and PatienceGalore.
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I love this one, I've been doing the opposite today.....this thread has been a wake up call from my sorry mood....thank you
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Nice :):):)
thanks Albatross!
31andcounting
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Applying this daily!!! or trying to anyway.
Thank you for all your posts
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Good to see you Albatross :D
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Nice to see you here again, Albatross.
What a message you have just shared. Shakes me back to reality.
SSG
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Wow, that is some truth. Finally realizing that is helping me a lot lately. Thanks Albatross!
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Albatross, you have this uncanny way of always saying the right thing at the right time. I too needed to read this, as I spent the last evening wondering what my husband was up to....
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So True,
Thanks Albatross.
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Albatross,
Thank you for this thread! It came at a perfect time!
BS13
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You are more then welcome.
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Nice to see you post this thread again Albatross The last two I can totally agree with.
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My very favorite quote-EVER!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)
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Absolute truth there Albatross ;). Very good very good
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Love this Albatross!!!
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Love this Albatross!!!
I am glad that You love that one. This is for those who are in angry phase.
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Albatross,
You made me smile! Thanks you for this. Today is better. I wrote a list of my anger issues down.
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Thanks, Albatross. I'm having an angry, bitter phase and this helps.
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WOW Albatross :):)
so true!
thanks 31
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Much truth Albatross. This is why we get on our journey and make ourselves better people.
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Agreed! Positive thinking and optimism yield positive views on ANY outcome.....
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(http://www.quotespedia.info/images/laugh/mahatma_gandhi_laugh_5336.jpg)
This is exactly what happening with LBS and MLCer if LBS focus on self and make own life transformation. MLCers at beginning totally ignore You - separation phase, after BD they laugh on You, how he powerful and narcissistic they are, free and entitled to do whatever they want and how pathetic and weak LBS is begging them and pleading on them. Then coming period when they fight You ! They still want to convince self that they are right what they doing if they pull You again in own drama end misery, they want You bring down from Your high ground on their level, they are jealous on Your strength and devotion to light !
Then You win no matter what happens with Your marriage, because You become whole again, awaken and never felt better !
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Love this Albatross. So very true!
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one thing, that story about the two wolves, as good as it is, it isn't a native american story. it was written by billy graham, the preacher. it has no connection to any native tribe at all.
sorry i felt the need to clarify that, i am native and there is a lot of misinformation out there. it is a great analogy though just wish it was presented with the actual author.
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(http://i.imgur.com/UPO7L7b.png)
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:)
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Needed to see this one tonight Albatross. Thank you
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Albatross, you are a gem! Takes time, effort and thought to find these little gold nuggets. Thank you, all these reminders are very useful. PG
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Ty my ladies.
(http://i.imgur.com/lamUEbC.png)
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I love the last one, and the letting go one, boy do I need to read and re read. Thank you so much for posting these, they are inspiring.
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(http://i.imgur.com/GhbbbFL.png)
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pretty much...
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How true and so very sad.
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(http://i.imgur.com/662hjVX.png)
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(http://static4.quoteswave.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Loving-people-live-in-a-loving.jpg)
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Yes, it is all about the point of view of the observer!
Each person has a perception of the world we are in, and our view of it can make it a good place with good things happening or a bad place with bad things happening...the choice to see the world as we want to see it or events that happen as we want to see them, is ours. I discuss this issue with my best friend many times....! Great and interesting debates ensue!!!
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(http://www.simonjohnson.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/illusion-knowledge.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/wvrJF3O.png)
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Amen and they love nothing more than trying to suck you back in.....
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EGO SAYS:
“Once everything falls into place, I'll feel peace.”
SPIRIT SAYS:
“Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.”
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I AGREE WITH SPIRIT ON THIS!
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"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."
-- Albert Camus
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The true mark of maturity is when someone hurts You and You try to understand their situation instead of trying to hurt them back.
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Ironically people who ignore You now somehow need You later.
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If You love someone, set them free.
If they come back,
means nobody else like them.
Set them free again.
This is hilarious quotation for LBS's :D
For those who do not know original quote is:
If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back they're yours;
if they don't they never were.
Richard Bach
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“Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life.......”
― Akshay Dubey
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Very True!! thanks for the reminder!!
31andcounting
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"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything.
Maybe is it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you
so you can be who you were mean to be in the first place."
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http://wakeup-world.com/2015/03/26/tired-being-negativity-sponge-12-ways-reclaim-energy-prevent-energy-infiltration/
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Thanks Albatross, that was worth the read! I agree with the article.
31
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Excellent read:
http://unisoultheory.com/index.php/2016/08/09/unhappy/
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Great list! Thank you Albatross.
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Reasons Why You May Be Afraid Of Intimacy (And How To Fix It).
http://unisoultheory.com/index.php/2016/07/20/afraid-intimacy/?=hp
12 SIGNS YOU AREN’T FOLLOWING YOUR INNER TRUTH & HOW TO FIND IT AGAIN
http://thespiritscience.net/2016/03/10/12-signs-you-arent-following-your-inner-truth-how-to-find-it-again/
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Never regret a single day in Your life !
- Good days give happiness.
- Bad days give experience.
- Worst days give a lesson.
- Best days give memories.
Seek and find !
If You seek peace - be still.
If You seek wisdom - be silent.
If You seek love - be yourself.
Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop.
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Just read through this thread. I love it.
Albatross --- you're on fire!! I love the quotes you are posting. Very insightful and meaningful in many ways. I have a few of them posted around my house to read now and then and reminders.
Keep them coming. I love affirmations.
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"We don't see things the way they are. We see them the way WE are."
- Talmud
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(http://img.pandawhale.com/post-9796-Stop-leaving-and-you-will-arri-tQHb.png)
“Stop leaving and you will arrive. Stop searching and you will see. Stop running away and you will be found.” ― Lao Tzu
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I love this thread!
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CsK4YP1XEAAqdwc.jpg)
"Don’t worry if someone does not like you. Most people are struggling to like themselves."
Steps to good mind #2 (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9280)