Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: BB64 on November 18, 2013, 03:38:30 AM
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Saw this on facebook this morning and thought it migjt be helpful here.
1 if it feels wrong, don't do it
2 say exactly what you mean
3 don't be a people pleaser
4 trust your instincts
5 never speak badly of yourself
6 never give up on your dreams
7 don't be afraid to say no
8 don't be afraid to say yes
9 be kind to you
10 stay away from drama and negativity
11 let go of what you can't control
12 LOVE
I can finally tick off all 12. Yay!
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http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem
((((HUGS))))
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This is a great resource, in it! Thank you for sharing :)
HUGS
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Worth copying. There's a list of 17 practical things to do [except for the brisk walk daily & more vigorous ex. 3X per week--that's just crazy! ;) ]
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Thanks Calamity and Sha10613
http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/the-art-of-building-self-esteem/
This one has some other things to read on the right side of the page.
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http://www.wingsforkids.org/wings/what-we-do/download-our-free-diy-sel-kits?gclid=CKmfmcuM07wCFcdQOgoduVUANQ
This is something for the kids- I'm not sure what ages or how good it is.
WE are the example for our kids no matter what age they are.
If you have regard for yourself? Chances are they will have it for themselves also.
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Got this online:
The faces and symptoms of low self esteem can be different depending on who you are. Can you recognize yourself in any of these low self esteem signs?
People with low self esteem
• Constantly doubt themselves and do not trust their judgment
• Operate out of a fear of rejection and look for approval from friends, family and co-workers.
• Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others.
• Blame themselves, often think everything is their fault.
• Seek the approval of others to be happy
• Are anxious about the future and are often depressed
• Have a tendency not to act. They become stuck and immobilized because they are afraid of failure.
• Sometimes over compensate and become over-achievers.
• Can be perfectionists. Constantly seeking to improve themselves and their environment. They are never satisfied.
• Are constantly plagued with negative self talk and self doubt. They are unable to affirm themselves positively. .
• Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others.
• Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others.
• Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback or loss in their lives.
• Have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge against those whom they believe have not fully accepted them.
• Fulfill roles in their family that are counter-productive and co-dependent.
• Are vulnerable to mental health problems. They often use addictive behavior to medicate their emotional pain. Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, working too much, or the endless search for truth.
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http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/02/14/4-daily-steps-for-building-a-healthier-relationship-with-yourself/
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http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-confident-be-confident/201001/six-ways-boost-your-self-esteem
((((HUGS))))
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People with low self esteem
• Constantly doubt themselves and do not trust their judgment
• Operate out of a fear of rejection and look for approval from friends, family and co-workers.
• Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others.
• Blame themselves, often think everything is their fault.
• Seek the approval of others to be happy
• Are anxious about the future and are often depressed
• Have a tendency not to act. They become stuck and immobilized because they are afraid of failure.
• Sometimes over compensate and become over-achievers.
• Can be perfectionists. Constantly seeking to improve themselves and their environment. They are never satisfied.
• Are constantly plagued with negative self talk and self doubt. They are unable to affirm themselves positively. .
• Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others.
• Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others.
• Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback or loss in their lives.
• Have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge against those whom they believe have not fully accepted them.
• Fulfill roles in their family that are counter-productive and co-dependent.
• Are vulnerable to mental health problems. They often use addictive behavior to medicate their emotional pain. Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, working too much, or the endless search for truth.
A lot of these relate to the things I have been reading on co-dependency. Thank you for posting!
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EXACTLY! "Codependent No More" is an excellent book- I thought some one had written it just for me. Alcoholic upbringing groomed me to be.
I'm the "been there done that" ought to give lessons for it. NOW I have to work on being AWARE of it.
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http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/12/29/10-ways-to-stop-treating-yourself/
This website has a lot of good short summaries of different ways to look at things.
And although some of us aren't ready for all of the goals mentioned? Maybe just one could be picked to work on.
I used to think I had to apply everything I read to my life somehow. Then came to realize I can glean whatever's helpful and disregard the rest.
((((HUGS))))
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http://stress.about.com/od/optimismspirituality/a/positiveselftak.htm
Positive self talk
((((HUGS))))
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http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-hardy/201203/seven-step-prescription-self-love
We aren't talking narcissism here...just bringing ourselves up to speed on what is needed for us to love ourselves enough to take care..
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bump
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Quote from Phoenix...
The problem lies in our giving away our self-worth to someone else and letting them decide whether we are valuable in our own mind and heart, and that can happen when we are not in a marriage or partnership at all.
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Self confidence is the difference between feeling unstoppable and feeling scared out of your wits. Your perception of yourself has an enormous impact on how others perceive you. Perception is reality — the more self confidence you have, the more likely it is you’ll succeed.
Although many of the factors affecting self confidence are beyond your control, there are a number of things you can consciously do to build self confidence. By using these 10 strategies you can get the mental edge you need to reach your potential.
Build Self Confidence
1. Dress Sharp
Although clothes don’t make the man, they certainly affect the way he feels about himself. No one is more conscious of your physical appearance than you are. When you don’t look good, it changes the way you carry yourself and interact with other people. Use this to your advantage by taking care of your personal appearance. In most cases, significant improvements can be made by bathing and shaving frequently, wearing clean clothes, and being cognizant of the latest styles.
This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. One great rule to follow is “spend twice as much, buy half as much”. Rather than buying a bunch of cheap clothes, buy half as many select, high quality items. In long run this decreases spending because expensive clothes wear out less easily and stay in style longer than cheap clothes. Buying less also helps reduce the clutter in your closet.
2. Walk Faster
One of the easiest ways to tell how a person feels about herself is to examine her walk. Is it slow? tired? painful? Or is it energetic and purposeful? People with confidence walk quickly. They have places to go, people to see, and important work to do. Even if you aren’t in a hurry, you can increase your self confidence by putting some pep in your step. Walking 25% faster will make to you look and feel more important.
3. Good Posture
Similarly, the way a person carries herself tells a story. People with slumped shoulders and lethargic movements display a lack of self confidence. They aren’t enthusiastic about what they’re doing and they don’t consider themselves important. By practicing good posture, you’ll automatically feel more confident. Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact. You’ll make a positive impression on others and instantly feel more alert and empowered.
4. Personal Commercial
One of the best ways to build confidence is listening to a motivational speech. Unfortunately, opportunities to listen to a great speaker are few and far between. You can fill this need by creating a personal commercial. Write a 30-60 second speech that highlights your strengths and goals. Then recite it in front of the mirror aloud (or inside your head if you prefer) whenever you need a confidence boost.
5. Gratitude
When you focus too much on what you want, the mind creates reasons why you can’t have it. This leads you to dwell on your weaknesses. The best way to avoid this is consciously focusing on gratitude. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. You’ll be amazed how much you have going for you and motivated to take that next step towards success.
6. Compliment other people
When we think negatively about ourselves, we often project that feeling on to others in the form of insults and gossip. To break this cycle of negativity, get in the habit of praising other people. Refuse to engage in backstabbing gossip and make an effort to compliment those around you. In the process, you’ll become well liked and build self confidence. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.
7. Sit in the front row
In schools, offices, and public assemblies around the world, people constantly strive to sit at the back of the room. Most people prefer the back because they’re afraid of being noticed. This reflects a lack of self confidence. By deciding to sit in the front row, you can get over this irrational fear and build your self confidence. You’ll also be more visible to the important people talking from the front of the room.
8. Speak up
During group discussions many people never speak up because they’re afraid that people will judge them for saying something stupid. This fear isn’t really justified. Generally, people are much more accepting than we imagine. In fact most people are dealing with the exact same fears. By making an effort to speak up at least once in every group discussion, you’ll become a better public speaker, more confident in your own thoughts, and recognized as a leader by your peers.
9. Work out
Along the same lines as personal appearance, physical fitness has a huge effect on self confidence. If you’re out of shape, you’ll feel insecure, unattractive, and less energetic. By working out, you improve your physcial appearance, energize yourself, and accomplish something positive. Having the discipline to work out not only makes you feel better, it creates positive momentum that you can build on the rest of the day.
10. Focus on contribution
Too often we get caught up in our own desires. We focus too much on ourselves and not enough on the needs of other people. If you stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on the contribution you’re making to the rest of the world, you won’t worry as much about you own flaws. This will increase self confidence and allow you to contribute with maximum efficiency. The more you contribute to the world the more you’ll be rewarded with personal success and recognition.
Read more at http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/10-ways-to-instantly-build-self-confidence/#ttKE2f8Y79pG6tBQ.99
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You can use positive thinking to combat your negative mindset, but it takes five positive thoughts to overcome just one negative thought. So why not make an effort to reduce your negative thoughts in the first place?
http://blog.californiapsychics.com/blog/2014/02/ditch-words-improve-life.html
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http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/the-art-of-building-self-esteem/
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http://richardacross.com/2013/01/21/socialize-developing-our-personality-and-self-image/
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http://www.afterdivorceadvice.com/blog-category/self-esteem-after-divorce-4-ways-to-boost-your-self-confidence/
For those who are divorced ((((HUGS))))
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I have deeply struggled with this . When I 1st came on Heros Spouse and was told "work on yourself " I was extremely lost and frustrated . I even tried to google , "direction or step by step ways to do this . (lol) . I had no clue what that meant . Period. I read self help books on every subject that may pertain to "getting to know yourself , Self esteem online courses , stories from other women who "found themselves etc etc > I am a very black and white thinker and I wanted directions , step by step, to "work on me ". I could not figure this concept out no matter what I tried. I cried about it .. feeling again .. stupid and inferior ". I have been a mom since I left my fathers home at 18 . I am now 56 with the last of 5 daughters still at home . ME ? Who is that ? And I was supposed to look for ME in the middle of this deep pain and fear and betrayal. ? Impossible instructions and I was not able to truly do this "work". I have a friend ( sister actually ) going thru this ,, and she says " what exactly does that mean ?. She says "word it differently and tell me again ". I struggle with this still but believe I have experienced some true understanding , deeper understanding , of who I am . I think newbies struggle with this in the midst of such devastation . Can we talk about this ?. What does it truly mean... "do your own work on YOU " and how each of your came to understand the meaning and achieved this in your life . And what difference it made in your understanding things differently . I thank you .
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Hi Barbie
I think it is a very personal thing so we will each do it in a different way and some will not do it at all . It also comes with time , at BD I remember thinking why do I need to work on myself it is him that had the affair and that feeling stayed with me for a while and so did the anger and the hurt and the buzzing feeling in my head .
In the end I could not carry on feeling like that so after many efforts I found myself a IC and thought this is my life at the moment and I need to carry on living it so I will fix me , that is not to say that I did not still try to fix H but most of all I needed to fix me . I new that I needed to do that to move forward , I did not want to be a victim or be defined by what had happened .
I read many books and some helped and some did not , I had a very good counselor who let me talk about myself and H and I started to realize things about myself that I never knew . I realized my strengths and my weaknesses . I took one step forward and two steps back , I allowed myself to be angry , happy , sad or any emotion that I felt I needed to experience . I realised that H and I are not that different in our backgrounds so it could well have been me that had a crisis , it could have been me that hurt the people I love . Working through that allowed me to let go of anger and not to take what has happened personally .
I suppose my version about doing the work on me was learning to accept that I have good and bad points but at the end of the day I am me and what H is doing at the moment is nothing to do with me it is all to do with him . Doing the work on Me was hard and sometimes very painful as I went through my own FOO issues and came to realise that I had married a version of my Father .
Working on yourself can really only be done when we are ready to do it , I see a lot of people on here that are not ready or may never be ready to do that and that is okay because we are all different . Some people do not want to work on themselves because they are afraid , I only have to look at my Father to see that even if I was afraid I had to do it . My Father has never worked on himself , he remains bitter and alone and can continues to project his shadow side on to the rest of the world . I knew for sure that I did not want to live like that .
I have just started reading a book called "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers" . It is about accepting our own shadow and the parts of us that we may wish to hide . I feel like finding this book now is the next stage of my journey .
Callan
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Ditto for me and my father. He's still buying vehicles to try to find peace. Just got a new canal boat!
I did a yoga and mindfulness course and although I don't really practise it, it helped me recognise anxiety and how I self medicate. I also read co-dependent no more and realised I try to fix problems that aren't my own and rarely just live in the moment.
I'm still working on myself-I often feel I don't know how to fill my time except with work, kids or chores (and can't go to see bands or comedy every night-much as I'd like to!)
I need to learn to enjoy solitude. This is my next goal-maybe even to camp or go away on my own
You're doing great Barbiegirl. The fact that you're trying to verbalise and analyse your triggers is a really big step
Xxx
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Here is what "work on yourself meant to me"
1) Fact: I was very depressed. Working on myself meant finding a IC and working on the grief.
2) Fact: My financial situation was in tatters. Working on myself meant getting all expenses on a spreadsheet, setting a budget. Stopping the financial hemorrhaging.
3) Fact: My marriage had isolated me as my whole world was my H. After I got myself up off the floor and out of my pool of tears - I started looking for activities (fun) to do and people to do it with.
4) Fact: I physically looked like hell with all the stress and lack of sleep. Working on myself meant getting cloths that fit (80 pounds of weight loss due to grief), keeping my hair, make-up etc looking good.
5) I was insecure as to how to get things accomplished. I developed resource lists of people I could reach out to when I needed assistance.
Work on yourself so that you are a whole person - independent and strong.
(Independence is strength - in or out of a relationship)
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I am liking theses answers ... it helps me . I seem to have a "block" or just an utter emotional exhaustion , that looking inside requires so much effort . I am so tired . But I have had some realizations with the help of therapist .. so I have my feet on the right path . I am encouraged by your sharing your thoughts ...
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What this means to me:
Doing what I want to do instead of always compromising for everyone else's comfort.
Allowing myself to feel what I feel. No one gets to tell me I'm wrong for feeling that way.
Learning to ask or tell someone what I want, instead of not doing so for fear of being rejected.
Learning that a "No" to a request is not a rejection of me. It's a rejection of the request.
Learning I don't have to fix everything.
Learning that I deserve to do things that make me content.
Knowing that my happiness is not dependent on anyone else.
Learning that I want people in my life I can depend on to do the best they can by me, even as I would do so for them. Loyalty, as it were.
I get to make my own rules and timelines.
I get to repair things on my own schedule, not have to wait for a time that never comes.
I am in control of me and my life.
I don't have to do everything.
I don't have to do it NOW.
I like to drive off road. And I can find other people who want to do it with me, even if my family and friends do not.
I've gone back to the confident, capable person I was before this relationship. That got lost somewhere, slowly and insidiously.
What do I like? What do I want? What makes me happy? If I can't get what I want from here, can I get it from there? Who can help me? Who will help me? Who wants my help? Do I want to give it? How will I get what I want? Do I really want what I think I want? Or is that the media or society telling me I want that?
If I knew 20 years ago, what I know now, what would I change? Can I still change it? Then I start looking for a way to do that. Now.
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Good for you BD for bringing this up. I had no idea what people were talking about 'work on yourself' at first. HE had the problem. Not me. Well that was true but...
2 sources woke me up to this: The Choose Joy section of the articles and Anderson's book [under my signature]. My counselor referred me to the concept of mindfulness, being in the moment.
I will begin to define what I think we means:
-work on being independent. Take responsibility for your life i.e. from getting repairs done, to buying cars to enjoying lectures or films or books.
Alone.
In very short form: if you're not okay alone, you're not okay with someone. So get okay.
That being said I still think we have to work through the stage of 'wtf happened'? What is wrong with my h or w?
And how much time do these things take? That is totally individual.
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Barbiedoll,
Looking at yourself in the mirror is hard and realizing that no one is perfect. We all bring some kind of baggage with us. I looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. If it wasn't for Mr. FH losing his mind and forcing me to look at myself, I wouldn't have made the changes I did.
Working on myself to me was facing my demons. I made a list of the things that "I" didn't like about me. When I was writing it, I was stunned at what was on my list. 26 items. After reading what I wrote, I realized some of what I didn't like, Mr. FH didn't either.
I needed to be just FH, that had never happened. As independent as I thought that I was, truth is, I wasn't. So, my mission after knowing in my heart that nothing I did or didn't do was going to change a damn thing about my marriage, was to be a better me. A better wife and mother too.
I took that list and worked on one thing at a time. I too did self-help books. Did lots and lots of on line workshops that my counselor told me about. I stopped focusing on what he was doing, because for the first time in my life, I was more important.
I learn to take care of my own car. Learned how to speak to someone, and not at them. I wanted to be the calm person that could rationally get myself through any situation without reacting actually over reacting.
I didn't want to be that controlling person. I didn't want to be that person that was controlled by OCD. Working on myself became my mission. I now hold my tongue, think before I speak. I hurt a lot of people with the truth, wielded it like a sword. I don't have to fix everything and everyone. I had to learn to let the people that I care about learn life's lesson without offering my opinion unless I'm asked.
Learning to love me. Being able to relate to my family without them feeling that I'm attacking them, with my overbearing personality. I worked on becoming softer (sometimes I think overboard on that one :-\).
Learning that my happiness is my responsibility and not my husband. I realized what a burden I put on him with that one. And that I'm not responsible for others happiness, A big burden I put on myself.
To relax and never be too busy to notice the small things in life. Calamity is sooooooooo right, if your not okay with who you are, your not OK with someone else.
I worked on finding balance in my life.
The only one that should be responsible for me, is me. It's an awful burden to put that on someone else. I'm still learning.
Offroad said, No one gets to tell me I'm wrong for feeling a certain way, that was me. I learned not to do that.
Bottom line is, did we cause this, nope. Could we have better spouses? I know that I could. I once thought that I didn't deserve being with Mr. FH now, I wonder if he deserves me. I'm totally fantastic :P ::)
FH
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Great answers from all, but put simply "work on yourself" simply means "don't focus on your MLCer." Simple, yet profound.
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I struggled with this, also, and still do. I had spent 15 years "working on me" and my demons. I had plenty. But, what I was truly never able to do in my M was give myself credit and allow myself to FINALLY "be enough."
So for anyone here who is not a narc, but may have been married to one, this is vital. You may be in my shoes. And I'll recount my turning point story. I took a FWB six months after BD. He will be one of my best friends forever, but because he has too many demons, it could never work for us as an R. I was at an event and ran into a woman I knew. We spent three hours trying to remember. She finally remembered that she met me at a party ten years before. So, I came home to FWB and told him that this woman was "crazy" because she remembered me from a party 10 years ago... And he (who was COOKING ME DINNER, this is important, no man had ever cooled me dinner before him) turned around from the stove, looked at me and said "Lisa, when are you going to get over yourself?" in an almost angry tone. He then explained that rather than allow myself to know that I am an awesome person with lots of memorable traits, I would choose to discount another human being, by calling them "crazy" for remembering me. And I realized my lack of self esteem was really sucky...
And the most important part--getting over your MLCer. Truly, even if you choose to stand, you have to know that you can get along without them. You will need to for quite some time, and you need to know that you have everything you need, financially, emotionally, and practically to truly live a fantastic life without them. Allow yourself ONE year to mourn and cry and be ridiculous and then get on with life. Do what you have to do to truly be happy because no person's happiness should depend on ONE OTHER PERSON. That was the problem with most MLCers--we couldn't provide them the happiness they needed so they moved on to someone who could... I now have a fabulous life AND a fabulous partner, but if he chooses to leave, also, I still have everything I need to be happy. Love and light, ll
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That's all it did for me anyway.
I kept dealing with him (when I went back to living with him as an ex) which and kept me in pain and mourning.
After I finally ended it due to his physical violence. I mourned the loss of a whole lot of other things. Family mostly - and the relationship I thought I had with my own children. Cried until I thought I'd dehydrate.
I still work on freeing myself from his abuse at every level. I am quite content with the life I live now. No drama, peaceful, no one playing games.
Happiness comes in glimpse's sometimes. It's been 2 years 2 months of NC.
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Initially working on me to me meant finding ways to deal with the pain. I had never experienced such pain, such anguish so how did I do it?
I knew right after BD that H was the one with the problem and that he was the one who chose to do what he did. I couldn't believe that I had made him do this through my actions alone.
That's the irony - it makes little difference what you did or do if they're going into MLC - they're going into MLC.
However once you have got over the big "look at me H I'm changing just for you" mode - there is a realisation that changes, no matter how tiny, are essential for growth and not your marriage.
5 months in I found my therapist. What a find she was. Within 15 minutes she diagnosed me with PTSD, low self esteem and stated that I needed to do an NLP course to change my language and my thinking. How right she was.
Working on me then became addressing past issues that I had dealt with but in a poor self programming way. She reverted that programming and helped me see that I was taking on board too much of other people's problems and trying to fix them because I could.
My Ds told me that I was too controlling and gave me help there by giving me a little word to focus on every time I moved into control mode.
It took time but I have learned the following:
Not to try to help, find or fix things for anyone - just point them in the direction and step back
Applying the rule of 3 and not reacting
Not seeking advice from anyone who would listen or rather hear just to validate my own experience
Shutting up in a conversation and just listening
Really seeing the good in others rather than needing to have it proved to me
Being ok on my own (sometimes I am lonely however)
Making choices and decisions just for me
Wearing dresses and skirts again
None of the above are big changes - but they are enough for the moment.
I am still working on me when it suits me and perhaps not to the depth that some of the LBSs on here. I have read books but cannot go into pyschological depth - it just isn't me. And that's it - I recognise me now.
I like me and what's more is that I now have the respect and friendship of more people than I did before BD.
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Hi
I read this thread when it first popped up but it has taken me a little while to think about how I would explain it.
For me it is about being comfortable on my own in my own skin without anybody else sharing it with me,
It takes a long time to get used to being singular after being a couple for all those years, you no longest have anyone else to rely on for even the smallest of things, no one to turn to with a problem or share a nicer moment with.
If I had got involved with another person before I find me, then I would be back where I started, I really needed to become one before I can think about becoming a couple again.
I can see how I left my parents home, dependant upon them and my h took over where they left off, I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet without any help.
Sure I thought I was independent, but on some level I wasnt, its hard to put your finger on it because it isnt about everyday being able to do things, its in your mind and you cant always see that, its about not actually needing someone but having that person as added bonus.
I actually feel a bit frustrated trying to get it down in words because it is more of a feeling rather than a doing.
I have noticed I prefer to spend time alone with my thoughts rather than keeping busy to ignore them, sure keeping busy at times helps but sometimes I have needed time to face up to everything, I know I can bury just about anything down and I do seem at times to do just that but this mlc has made me face things I didnt want to deal with, things in the past my h would of sorted out and I would of went on totally unfazed and worryless.
Not really the best of dynamics, he was walking around with our world on his shoulders whilst I was free as a bird from worry or stress.
I wont however take all the blame for this as he had taken on this role from day one, I was up on his pedestal and he was caring for me.
What will happen next who knows, I am headed for divorce now, his choice but maybe I am ready for that now too, ready for my new life with or without him perhaps, I dont know for sure so maybe I am not there just yet.
x
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cj, it is hard to explain, and it's hard to boil down into steps or actionable items, goals or even a vision... It is simply becoming one, separate and apart from your spouse. And it's different things for different people, but it is learning to depend on yourself, and knowing you can do it. The biggest one for me was financial independence, and it scared the s#$% out of me. I gave up my career, for him, but starting over at 45 with no pension history, no real work history, added to having to close the business I worked so hard to start that was JUST reaching profitability... WHEW, but this month, I will close on my new condo--I hate being a homeowner, always have, but did it for him and my kids--and I will have just one debt, my mortgage, and not a huge one, either, and I should be able to live and work the 15 years I need to pay it off...
But the biggest psychological thing is the small moments, not having anyone to share the setbacks and the challenges, and knowing no one REALLY has your back, like if you get sick, or hurt. And that's why making friends and having a good safety net is the MOST important thing we can do. And even now, with a new partner, he is still not always my first call, depending on the situation, I have gfs or family members, or even my old FWB that I sometimes call first, and that's a good thing. cj, you may not be "ready" but you are prepared to face whatever comes next, that's the important thing--you can do it, that's what doing your own work bought you! Love and light, ll
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Can we talk about this ?. What does it truly mean... "do your own work on YOU " and how each of your came to understand the meaning and achieved this in your life . And what difference it made in your understanding things differently . I thank you .
As I'm sure you've figured out by now, there is no step by step process. Human beings aren't machines. We don't break in predictable ways; what might be a devastating loss to one person might be minor to another.
The first thing you have to work on for yourself is realizing that what your husband has done has hurt you deeply. I'm not familiar with your specific situation but if you're here, I assume you got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, or he told you that he felt trapped and needed to escape or find himself. Maybe he told you he found someone else, or maybe you discovered he was having an affair on your own. So your world has been turned upside-down and you're struggling to cope with the shock. That all takes time; you can't be expected to get over it, and certainly not in your husband's timeframe, or your friends' or family's timeframe. But you do have to heal eventually, if you want to work on the rest of it.
Another thing you have to decide: do you want to restore your marriage? Many people have "dealbreakers" or boundaries that can't be restored once crossed, whether it's because of culture, or religious belief, or having lived through with past betrayal. This also means figuring out what to tell your friends and family if you choose to Stand. They may love you and support you, but they don't want to see you hurt and in many cases, they'll tell you to kick his lying, cheating ass to the curb and move on.
If you do want to restore your marriage, can you figure out how to cope with your husband's Replay behavior? Because if he is suffering through a midlife crisis, then this isn't going to end any time soon—you could be looking at years as he works through his issues. If you want to restore your marriage, you need to practice developing detachment; don't make what he is doing personal, and don't let him push your buttons if he goes into Monster mode at you. It's completely fair to tell him "I need space to figure things out; until you decide what you want, I'm won't be in touch."
You should also consider the likelihood that he will file for divorce (if he hasn't already; I'm sorry, but as I said I'm not familiar with your story) and how you will deal with that. Even if he does file and is ordered to pay alimony or child support for your youngest, he may resist doing so. If you've been a stay-at-home mom, this means figuring out how you are going to support yourself. It might even come down to filing for divorce yourself, to try to protect your assets so that he can't blow all of your money "finding himself".
And last (but not least, by far) you need to find yourself. You are more than just a wife and a mother. Somewhere in there you have interests and desires, even if you've been setting them aside for the sake of your husband or your children for as long as you can remember. If you can afford it, I would strongly suggest talking to a counselor.
One expectedly nice thing about finding yourself separated is that it gives you a chance to do things you'd never get to do otherwise because your spouse or your kids aren't interested. Start small! Try going out to dinner at a restaurant that you've always wanted to check out. Go catch that a movie that your H would turn his nose up at. Spend time with old friends you've lost touch with.
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??? So I'm trying to figure out this mirror work and what it's all about ..
Do you really literally sit in front of a mirror and looking at yourself ?
If so where do you go from then -what do you need to think ?
what do you need to do? what is the stuff that you have to work on yourself ?
How do you do all this ?
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Mirror work is about taking a look at yourself and figuring out who you are. As you figure out who you are you may see things that about yourself that you like and don't like. If you don't like something work on changing it if it bothers you. Not everyone is going to need to change.
A lot of my mirror work has brought to the surface things from my childhood - we all have FOO issues. The biggest thing for me is seeing myself as valuable and treating myself as such. I don't show myself enough respect :o There are many other smaller issues that I have identified but this is the one that I need to work on right now. I think that if I can learn how to respect myself more that other issues will present themselves and then I will work on those too.
Another way that I looked at myself was through my reactions. For example, while I still lived with my exH he would pack a bag every weekend and go to OW's :o When he first started doing this I would rage - rightfully so but eventually I was able to step back and look at why I was raging. While I was I raging I couldn't think clearly, I was controlled by my emotions. I finally realized that I was feeling abandoned every weekend but there was a lot of surface emotions that I had to wade through to get to the root of the rage.
Mirror work, in my opinion, is a life long process. We need to check-in with ourselves regularly to see if we are happy with where we are in life and adjust ourselves along the journey. We need to be aware of our issues so that they don't control us. Doesn't necessarily mean that we need to change but if you aren't aware of something then how can you be aware of how it is affecting you and those around you.
This is what the MLCer doesn't want to do but must if they are ever going to become whole again.
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Hi,
For me mirror work began when my counselor said, 'why would you want someone who doesn't want you?' >:( >:( :'(
We are dragged, kicking and screaming to 'work on ourselves'--the lbs has to cope with abandonment etc--you develop your character [not sure if that's the correct word] by how you handle adversity...& this certainly is adversity. Anyway, whether you know it or not, once your attention turns to the coping & away from your spouse's issues, you are working on yourself.
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus.html
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Mirror work for me basically is two things - self awareness and reflection.
I got to a point where I felt so out of control of my life. I felt that my XP contrôlée every aspect of my life. I struggled with this because when I had a long hard look at myself I realise that in the past I micro managed and control everything and everyone in my immediate family.
Once I understood and accepted this about myself I was able to start to make some changes. In the beginning I needed to reflect regularly to make sure I wasn't slipping back into old habits. If I did slip back into my old ways I wouldn't spend hours betting myself up about it - just acknowledged it and move on.
The only person you are accountable with Mirror Works is you. But if you set small goals and work on those you will find it isn't as difficult as it may at first sound.
Acknowledge and celebrate your success - always check back on how far you have come. It is hard work but well worth it.
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One of my issues was control. I was a control freak. What I have discovered is that control is about fear. One tries to control one's environment to make it safe & of course that is impossible. This crisis throws this up because we have no control over what our spouses do--that's detachment I think & learning it has helped me with my relationships at home & at work.
I wish the lessons had come without such a high price tag. :-\
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I wish the lessons had come without such a high price tag. :-\
Agreed!
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oh my gosh control is a huge huge factor in this whole thing !!!
I'm not sure if he called controlling the situation I'm in but I guess I could be controlling as well because for the last five years I had to do things a certain way because of my husband being gone all the time (of his army job , deployment etc) .. and so maybe when he came back it was hard for me to give up the control I had over the household how things were running and just give him part of his job back ?? I wasn't controlling to the point where I needed to have things a certain way but I guess if he didn't do it my way I sometimes wasn't 100% happy ..?? :-\ but micromanagement is certainly something that I can call myself guilty as well because of all the moves and all the stuff that has come up with the military I really have become an expert in organizing stuff that is a good thing but also I agree I'm probably not the one who gives away that stuff easily and let him deal with it because I'm worried ..
controlling on his side has always been the money he always was worried about where money was going how much I was spending and question me and sometimes I felt like a little child having to justify every little thing I spend because he was the one managing the accounts and moving money around .. And this has gotten worse since he is in the crisis..
So I guess we were both controlling on different subjects and that just Came up now..
You guys are amazing and helping me think about stuff that I haven't even thought about yet !! :-* :-*
I was never really in fear of him abandoning me because of all the deployments he had to go and do those things and I was strong in the background holding everything together ,never telling him not to go ..
I was never really in fear of him abandoning me because of all the deployments he had to go and do those things and I was strong in the background holding everything together never telling him not to go because it was for his career and I knew how much that meant to him I just want to be strong .
Don't get me wrong that does not mean that I didn't cry in front of him and told him I didn't want him to leave because I'm sad that he would go and I would not see him for 12 months I did that for sure !! but I never felt abandoned I knew it was also for my good and my growth .
But I guess I do have half the micromanaging controlling issues if I think about it because with all the moving and packing and organizing stuff I got that down to a T and I'm really good at it so I think I didn't want to give that "power" away ?? Hm.. So there are other things I guess that he did and we just did controlling in different aspectS..
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Mirror work, in my opinion, is a life long process. We need to check-in with ourselves regularly to see if we are happy with where we are in life and adjust ourselves along the journey. We need to be aware of our issues so that they don't control us. Doesn't necessarily mean that we need to change but if you aren't aware of something then how can you be aware of how it is affecting you and those around you.
This is what the MLCer doesn't want to do but must if they are ever going to become whole again.
Well said, Searching. I could not agree more.
This gift of understanding myself (who I am, why I do what I do, what makes me tick, etc.) came after digging deeper and deeper into myself, which led me to wounds from my childhood and FOO. For example, control is/was an issue for me, too. I learned it came from growing up in such a chaotic home environment. Growing up, I never knew when the next shoe would drop or when the next shoe would be thrown, for that matter! Control was a way for me to self-soothe. It's why I had the neatest, cleanest room as a child. I didn't have control over my parents but I had control over my room and I could make that environment chaos-free by keeping it neat and clean. However, as an adult, control used as a self-soothing and coping mechanism is not such a great thing. That's been a tough lesson for me to learn.
To me it was important to understand myself so I can have a better relationship with myself and others. For a long time I have heard that he can not love others well until we first learn to love ourselves well. It was a statement that registered with me intellectually, but I didn't understand it as an emotional level until the past year when I have really come to accept and love myself---not in a narcissistic way but in a healthy way.
I have found the following excerpt from the book, Days of Healing, Days of Joy, to be very helpful and true. The book is for adult children of alcoholics, but really applies to anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family.
"Nearly all of us adult children have been advised, either personally or in our reading, to do some thinking about our family history. At first, we may hesitate or even stop right there. What’s the point, after all? We remember how it was. What good will it do to carry on about it now? In spite of everything, many of us have intense loyalty to our parents. Why open up old wounds? The past is gone. Why rock the boat?
But family of origin work is not about them, it’s about us. The point is that we think about the past to better understand who we are, why we act the way we do, and where our feelings come from.
Sorting through old events has just one purpose—to help us come away with insight into who we are and where we are."
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But family of origin work is not about them, it’s about us. The point is that we think about the past to better understand who we are, why we act the way we do, and where our feelings come from.
Exactly!
Growing up I wasn't allowed to have 'feelings' - I had to bury them in order to protect myself. My parents were not in touch with their feelings so I wasn't in touch with mine ??? I thought that I had a safe place to express myself with my exH but slowly that relationship became very similar to my childhood :o
Basically, we repeat what we don't understand. Learning about yourself gives you the option to change if you want to.
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As to the MLC and mirror work - I do not see my exH ever doing the work that is needed. I do not ever see us as a couple again (or friends for that matter) because my exH tried to stop me from doing my mirror work :o He told that if I went to a therapist that we were done! I think that he knew if I searched my soul that he would lose control of me forever - which is pretty much what happened.
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Lots of really good points and insights in these posts. I agree in part or in whole with a lot of it.
Due to FOO: I never really felt cared about as a child and I confused controlling with caring as a young adult in male relationships.
I didn't feel safe expressing my feelings either. Alcoholism due to my mother changed my reality.
If I asked what happened the next morning after a huge drunken fight I'd over hear as a child (as it would wake me up from a sound sleep..my legs stiff with fear) the reply would be :
"Nothing"
You soon learned to not even ask.
The one phrase that helped me was:
I wasn't put on the planet to fit into someone else's issues.
I have enough of my own after this. Trust being the biggest one.
The ex and my mother have something in common..they think if I go to therapy ( which both of them need) somehow they might get better?
I did (at one point in time) feel protected by the ex. But he turned into my abuser without me even realizing it.
In some cases it was my fault as I gave him too much control over what I did, where I was, who I talked to etc. That's not happening again.
Post divorce and when I returned:
I had no idea it was all about money and control for him. There will be no "friends" after what's happened either. He has no idea what that is.
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so let's see that one of the issues I have is I was bullied and eighth grade .. however I could never deal with it because I had to repeat eighth-grade due to being sick and having surgeries so the next eighth grade was actually awesome and I never had issues again in my life being bullied ..
Meeting I didn't need therapy or anything like that .
so my question now is if I know that something like this needs to be dealt with because my husband is bugging me right now and I'm already standing up for myself talking and letting him not do this anymore - what or how on the kind of Mirror work I could do it or address it ?? To get it fixed..
And how do I find out all the other issues that I possibly could have ??
for example :The controlling issue ...
how could I fix that within myself ??or what is the thought process to address it and working on it..
again I just would like to know how I fix something inside or how do I know that it is fixed ?? Kind of how to answer..
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??? So I'm trying to figure out this mirror work and what it's all about ..
Do you really literally sit in front of a mirror and looking at yourself ?
If so where do you go from then -what do you need to think ?
what do you need to do? what is the stuff that you have to work on yourself ?
How do you do all this ?
ArmySpouse,
:)
I had the very same question in the beginning. In fact, I don't even know that I can give a comprehensible answer!
I have learnt that I was fearful of many things and some of these things affected my marriage. In these past almost five years, I have had to face/recognize all of the fears head on and learn that fear must not control me. You see, I like a calm life in general and often I did not face issues just because I didn't want to rock the boat, ruffle the water. I was conflict avoidant to the extreme, I still don't look for conflict but I do know not to stuff everything down anymore ;).
I had a very happy and stable childhood (different from my h.), so it is not as if I need to delve in any dark recess to pull out lurking ghosts. My pain at being abandoned has a very clear reason and I have forgiven my h. for that. Of course, the pain still reappears every now and again - I don't think one gets over this very easily, regardless :(
So, yes, I guess it is what Picton says:Mirror work for me basically is two things - self awareness and reflection.
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Hi AS
For me the control and micromanaging was huge. After BD I tried for a number of months to continue to schedule every minute of my day. But all it took was a text, a visit or an email from X to throw my whole schedule out the window. I hit rock bottom and knew that something needed to change. I decided at that point that I would allow the Universe/ Higher Power (I am not a Religious but can totally understand why people are) to look after my life for a while. What was the worse that could happen - my XP have an affair and up and leave me and the kids.
It took a few weeks for me to really let go (hard to break the habit of a life time) but the change has been amazing, I don't think I have been so happy for a long time. By leaving days where I had nothing planned meant that when I woke up in the morning I was free to do whatever I felt like. (Lived in the present) I also found that I had a lot more opportunities to do things that I have never done before.
If this all sounds a bit kooky and not something that would work for you pop over to Stayed's thread - she used a rubber band on her wrist and would flick it. It has been a while since I read it, so I am a little under clear on all the details. But may work if you trying to change how you think and deal with certain things.
Keep detaching - that is a big part of the process. Just remember detaching can be a bit of a process.
How will you know you are "fixed" (don't know if we ever are 100%) Take time to reflex on how far you have come. Enjoy the small things. Make sure you feel proud of your accomplishments, no matter how big or small they are.
Be kind to yourself.
When people started to comment on how happy I looked and how at peace I felt was when I knew my life was on the right track.
I know it all feels overwhelming at times but you have taken the first step - acknowledged things need to change. The hard work begins but I promise you it is well worth it.
Kia kaha - stay strong
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I love this thread!!! I don't have too much to add, because so much has been said already, but for me it has been the very combination of GAL:ing -- just learning to treat myself kindly and looking after myself, my mental, physical and social health -- and to look inside myself. For me (and, as it seems for so many others on here), these two aspects go together. I went to therapy for a while, I excercised regularly, meditated, became more social (I forced myself to see friends in the beginning because I had been so isolated that I had gotten rusty at it), ate nice and (most of the time) healthy food. Beginning to meditate was definitely a turning point for me. Initially, it was to deal with the stress, but it gradually became more about introspection and agape love (I have done a lot of loving-kindness meditations, both to practice loving others and to practice loving myself). I now considered myself as healed as I think I can get -- even though I think there will always be a scar left, as with everything else in life. The thing is, I did not manage to reconnect, and I think my XH is still in replay (or just gone), but the benefits I had from the GAL:ing and mirror work far, far exceeds "moving on" from XH and how he hurt me. I am better at relationships in general, for example: better with S, with friends, at work. I have become an expert (if I say so myself) at managing conflicts, and set healthy boundaries because I know that I matter, too.
Hugs & strength,
Gx
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And how do I find out all the other issues that I possibly could have ??
for example :The controlling issue ...
how could I fix that within myself ??or what is the thought process to address it and working on it..
again I just would like to know how I fix something inside or how do I know that it is fixed ?
The issues that you may have emerge as you continue down the detaching route.
Re control - it really is a question of working out how you control. Do you seek to fix situations - find items for others - have a particular way to load the dishwasher and ensure every one else follows. I know these seem trivial but to other people - they may seem controlling.
I am a teacher and control in the classroom is essential - problem is - I was bringing the teacher home with me. That is one level of control I had to remove.
I have found that I had developed poor neuro linguistic skills - probably started with my mother controlling me. I always had to feel good enough and therefore my language was slowly converting my thinking and behaviour. Add that to the control factor and you have a controlling person that seeks worth through the ability to be a fixer and needing to be a fixer.
So with the help of my T I have begun to change my language. I deliberately remember not to use the word "but" in a sentence and replace it with "and" when validating other people and my own actions.
I am aware that I still take things too personally and my S gets so frustrated with me. He makes a comment and I sometimes think it is a criticism of me. It's not - so that is my mirror work for the moment.
You learn how to change as you change - you find new things to change as you change. It is not a prescriptive list.
Ironically a prescriptive list is indicative of a controlling person desiring to "fix" themselves or the problem.
You will find what mirror work you need to do - just remember it is never finished. None of us are ever finished products.
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S&D, If I thought about this for about an hour I could probably figure it out
but...it would be easier for me if you explained it. :D But is my favourite word. ???
So with the help of my T I have begun to change my language. I deliberately remember not to use the word "but" in a sentence and replace it with "and" when validating other people and my own actions.
I think that control is THE issue when it comes to mlc because, despite knowing your spouse for decades, you have NO control over them or their mlc. Difficult to accept even if you are not a control freak.
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Difficult but true. Unless they may have done something to you can focus on to scare the $h!te right out of them.
For me? Being able to have him arrested if he comes anywhere near me controls him and frees me.
My issues are trust I think that's the biggest one.
After all of the crap I put myself through and tolerated I had a difficult time trusting ANYBODY ..I'm getting better. ::)
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Found online:
7 Ways to Stop Being Treated Like a Doormat
COMMUNICATION RELATIONSHIPS BY STEVE ERREY
Being treated like a doormat sucks.
It can happen for no apparent rhyme or reason; people using you, treating you like a dogsbody, walking all over you or not thinking about what you want or what’s best for you. The trouble is, the more it happens, the more you feel like you can’t change it; the more it happens the smaller you get.
Here are some practical ways that you can stop being treated like a doormat, and start being treated with respect.
you deserve better
1. Start With You
If someone else is devaluing you there’s a good chance that you’re doing the same thing, so change has to start with you. Be radically honest with yourself—do you feel like you deserve to be treated with respect? Do you feel worthy of respect and do you feel good enough to fit in?
Change starts with you dialing up your self-worth; something that can be started in the following ways:
a. Really give yourself credit for your achievements—all those things you’ve done and gone through in your life.
b. Get to know your values—those things that are woven through you and are the cornerstones for who you are.
c. Prioritise the nourishment of your body, mind, and heart—nobody else can keep you nourished and caring for yourself.
2. Start Teaching Others
One of the best things I heard from TV’s Dr Phil was
“You teach people how to treat you“.
That’s bang-on.
Your response to someone’s behaviour teaches them what is and isn’t acceptable, so if you roll over and take whatever they give, the message is that it’s okay for them to do that. And people will always do what works for them until they have evidence that it doesn’t work, or that there’s a better way. We’re kinda dumb like that.
If someone is regularly treating you like a doormat, their behaviour is not okay. Your task, and I get how scary this might seem, is to change your response to start giving them that message. This doesn’t have to be a big, dramatic showdown; it can be done gently and with the same respect that you want. You might be scared, but you know what you need to do.
As the famous line goes, help them help you.
3. Stop Being a Bottomless Pit
It’s great to do things for other people, unless the act of doing things for other people is how you get validation, of course.
Being a people-pleaser might begin with the best intentions, but if you’re not careful, you keep on doing so because you want to see how pleased they are with what you’ve done or even to hear those magic words: “Thank you”. Being a people-pleaser can turn you into a bottomless pit—that not only sees others take advantage of you, but seriously damages your self-esteem.
People-pleasing is not a selfless act; it’s a selfish one.
It’s a flawed way to feel good about yourself, so stop it. How can you be more generous with yourself? And how would it be if you could be generous for others, not because of any validation but because there’s value in the very act of giving?
4. Apply Confidence
If you’re used to people walking all over you, it’s likely that you’re not used to asserting yourself. You might even feel like you’re powerless, but I guarantee you that you have natural confidence that you can apply to start effecting change.
Think of something you do, where the question of whether you can do it or never arises. This might be doing something you do at home (like cooking a meal, laughing with your partner or decorating a room), it might be something at work (like taking part in a meeting, writing a report or seeing a way through a problem) or it might be something you do socially (like chatting with a friend, ordering wine at a restaurant or meeting someone new).
Natural confidence is being able to trust your behaviour with implicit faith in your abilities, so when you’re doing something, there’s no doubt about your ability to do it—you have full confidence. Applying that same sense of confidence to a new situation is what allows you to operate right at the edge or just out of your comfort zone, and this will feel uncomfortable.
That feeling of discomfort isn’t the enemy and it doesn’t mean you don’t have confidence, it just means you’re someplace new. Trust yourself to do what’s best.
5. You’re Not Alone
If your ill-treatment has been happening for some time you might be feeling isolated in your experience, so it can be extraordinarily useful and important to talk about it, or even to ask for some support or help. Other people are going through what you’re going through, and you don’t have to do this alone.
Asking someone you trust to talk about what’s happening is not only a great way to offload a little, it just might allow you to step back enough to see a fresh perspective or another way through. You don’t need anyone to fix things for you, so don’t let that be your motivation here—the point is to connect with another human being so that you’re supported through this.
Think about this way: if a good friend of yours was going through the same thing, wouldn’t you want to hear about it and support them in attaining something better?
6. Raise Your Expectations
An easy life is one thing, but sticking your head in the sand and hoping things will fix themselves is crazy—as is setting your expectations so low that you expect to be treated like a doormat. There’s a massive cost to lowering your expectations to that kind of level, and the act of lowering your expectations and accepting bad treatment can be more damaging in the long run that the bad treatment itself.
Don’t ever make assumptions about what you should put up with or what you should expect. If you’re going to have any expectations about how things should go, base them on what you’d love to see happen, not what you wish wasn’t happening.
7. If All Else Fails
If you’ve truly done all you can to change things and to stop being treated like a doormat and nothing seems to work, then get the hell out. Life is way too short to have your experience of it and your self-esteem damaged by someone else, and sometimes you need to make a brave choice.
If you need to, be willing to remove yourself from the situation or relationship and start building the kind of life you’d love to live.
You Deserve Better
You don’t need to “keep on keeping on”, and you don’t need to put up with being treated like a doormat.
IMHO
You deserve better, so make a start. And it wouldn't hurt to stop communicating with people who only seek to say cruel things and try to hurt you. Even if just talking to them hurts..... give your heart a break and stop.
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Found on Psychology Today:
If you look under the Self-Help heading on Amazon, you’ll find roughly 5,000 books listed under the sub-head Self-Esteem. The vast majority of these books aim to not only tell you why your self-esteem might be low, but to show you how to get your hands on some more of it. It’s a thriving business because self-esteem is, at least in Western cultures, considered the bedrock of individual success. You can’t possibly get ahead in life, the logic goes, unless you believe you are perfectly awesome.
And of course you must be perfectly awesome in order to keep believing that you are – so you live in quiet terror of making mistakes, and feel devastated when you do.
Your only defense is to refocus your attention on all the things you do well, mentally stroking your own ego until it has forgotten this horrible episode of unawesomeness and moved on to something more satisfying.
When you think about it, this doesn’t exactly sound like a recipe for success, does it?
Indeed, recent reviews (link is external) of the research on high self-esteem have come to the troubling conclusion that it is not all it’s cracked up to be. High self-esteem does not predict better performance or greater success. And though people with high self-esteem do think they’re more successful, objectively, they are not.
High self-esteem does not make you a more effective leader, a more appealing lover, more likely to lead a healthy lifestyle, or more attractive and compelling in an interview. But if Stuart Smalley (link is external) is wrong, and high self-esteem (along with daily affirmations of your own terrificness) is not the answer to all your problems, then what is?
A growing body of research, including new studies (link is external) by Berkeley’s Juliana Breines and Serena Chen, suggest that self-compassion, rather than self-esteem, may be the key to unlocking your true potential for greatness.
Now, I know that some of you are already skeptical about a term like “self-compassion.” But this is a scientific, data-driven argument – not feel-good pop psychology. So hang in there and keep an open mind.
Self-compassion is a willingness to look at your own mistakes and shortcomings with kindness and understanding – it’s embracing the fact that to err is indeed human.
When you are self-compassionate in the face of difficulty, you neither judge yourself harshly, nor feel the need to defensively focus on all your awesome qualities to protect your ego. It’s not surprising that self-compassion leads, as many studies (link is external) show, to higher levels of personal well-being, optimism and happiness, and to less anxiety and depression.
But what about performance? Self-compassion may feel good, but aren’t the people who are harder on themselves, who are driven to always be the best, the ones who are ultimately more likely to succeed?
To answer that, it’s important to understand what self-compassion is not.
While the spirit of self-compassion is to some degree captured in expressions like give yourself a break and cut yourself some slack, it is decidedly not the same thing as taking yourself off the hook or lowering the bar. You can be self-compassionate while still accepting responsibility for your performance. And you can be self-compassionate while striving for the most challenging goals – the difference lies not in where you want to end up, but in how you think about the ups and downs of your journey. As a matter of fact, if you are self-compassionate, new research suggests you are more likely to actually arrive at your destination.
In their studies, Brienes and Chen asked participants to take either a self-compassionate or self-esteem enhancing view of a setback or failure. For example, when asked to reflect on a personal weakness, some were asked to “imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a compassionate and understanding perspective. What would you say?”
Others were asked to instead focus on boosting their self-esteem: “Imagine that you are talking to yourself about this weakness from a perspective of validating your positive qualities. What would you say?”
People who experienced self-compassion were more likely to see their weaknesses as changeable. Self-compassion – far from taking them off the hook - actually increased their motivation to improve and avoid the same mistake again in the future.
This increased motivation lead to demonstrably superior performance. For instance, in one study, participants who failed an initial test were given a second chance to improve their scores. Those who took a self-compassionate view of their earlier failure studied 25 percent longer, and scored higher on a second test, than participants who focused on bolstering their self-esteem.
Why is self-compassion so powerful? In large part, because it is non-evaluative – in other words, your ego is effectively out of the picture - you can confront your flaws and foibles head on. You can get a realistic sense of your abilities and your actions, and figure out what needs to be done differently next time.
When your focus is instead on protecting your self-esteem, you can’t afford to really look at yourself honestly. You can’t acknowledge the need for improvement, because it means acknowledging weaknesses and shortcomings – threats to self-esteem that create feelings of anxiety and depression. How can you learn how to do things right when it’s killing you to admit – even to yourself - that you’ve done them wrong?
Here’s an unavoidable truth: You are going to screw up. Everyone – including very successful people (link is external) – makes boatloads of mistakes.
The key to success is, as everyone knows, to learn from those mistakes and keep moving forward. But not everyone knows how.
Self-compassion is the how you’ve been looking for. So please, give yourself a break.
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12 tips for Self Esteem from the positivity blog
1. Say stop to your inner critic.
A good place to start with raising your self-esteem is by learning how to handle and to replace the voice of your own inner critic.
We all have an inner critic.
It can spur you on to get things done or to do things to gain acceptance from the people in your life. But at the same time it will drag your self-esteem down.
This inner voice whispers or shouts destructive thoughts in your mind. Thoughts like for example:
You are lazy and sloppy, now get to work.
You aren’t good at your job at all and someone will figure that out and throw you out.
You are worse or uglier than your friend/co-worker/partner.
You don’t have to accept this though. There are ways to minimize that critical voice and to replace it with more helpful thoughts. You can change how you view yourself.
One way to do so is simply to say stop whenever the critic pipes up in your mind.
You can do this by creating a stop-word or stop-phrase.
As the critic says something – in your mind – shout: STOP!
Or use my favorite: No, no, no, we are not going there!
Or come up with a phrase or word that you like that stops the train of the thought driven by the inner critic.
Then refocus your thoughts to something more constructive. Like planning what you want to eat for dinner or your tactic for the next soccer game.
In the long run it also helps a lot to find better ways to motivate yourself than listening to your inner critic. So let’s move on to that…
2. Use healthier motivation habits.
To make the inner critic less useful for yourself and that voice weaker and at the same time motivate yourself to take action and raise your self-esteem it is certainly helps to have healthy motivation habits.
A few that I have used to replace and fill up much of the place that the inner critic once held in my mind are these:
Remind yourself of the benefits. A simple but powerful way to motivate yourself and to keep that motivation up daily is to write down the deeply felt benefits you will get from following this new path or reaching a goal.
Like for example getting into better shape and having more energy for your kids and the people close to you. Or making more money and through that being able to travel with the love of your life and experience wonderful new things together.
When your list is done then save it and put it somewhere where you will see it every day. For instance in your workspace or on your fridge.
Refocus on doing what YOU really, really like to do. When you really, really like doing something then the motivation to do that thing tends to comes pretty automatically. When you really want something in life then it also becomes easier to push through any inner resistance you feel.
So if you lose your motivation, ask yourself: Am I doing what I really want to do? If not and if possible, then refocus and start working on that very important thing instead.
After you have used your stop-word or phrase focus on one of these techniques. Over time it will become a habit and your inner critic will pop up a lot less often.
3. Take a 2 minute self-appreciation break.
This is a very simple and fun habit. And if you spend just two minutes on it every day for a month then it can make huge difference.
Here’s what you do:
Take a deep breath, slow down and ask yourself this question: what are 3 things I can appreciate about myself?
A few examples that have come up when I have used to this exercise are that I:
Help quite a few people each day through what I write.
Can make people laugh and forget about their troubles.
Am very thoughtful and caring when it comes to our cats.
These things don’t have to be big things.
Maybe just that you listened fully for a few minutes to someone who needed it today. That you took a healthy walk or bike ride after work. That you are a caring and kind person in many situations.
These short breaks do not only build self-esteem in the long run but can also turn a negative mood around and reload you with a lot of positive energy again.
4. Write down 3 things in the evening that you can appreciate about yourself.
This is a variation of the habit above and combining the two of them can be extra powerful for two boosts in self-esteem a day.
Or you may simply prefer to use this variation at the end of your day when you have some free time for yourself to spare.
What you do is to ask yourself the question from the last section:
What are 3 things I can appreciate about myself?
Write down your answers every evening in a journal made out of paper or on your computer/smart phone.
A nice extra benefit of writing it down is that after a few weeks you can read through all the answers to get a good self-esteem boost and change in perspective on days when you may need it the most.
5. Do the right thing.
When you do what you deep down think is the right thing to do then you raise and strengthen your self-esteem.
It might be a small thing like getting up from the couch and going to the gym. It could be to be understanding instead of judgmental in a situation. Or to stop feeling sorry for yourself and focus on the opportunities and gratitude for what you actually have.
It is not always easy to do. Or even to know what the right thing is. But keeping a focus on it and doing it as best you can makes big difference both in the results you get and for how you think about yourself.
One tip that makes it easier to stay consistent with doing the right thing is to try to take a few such actions early in the day. Like for example giving someone a compliment, eating a healthy breakfast and working out.
This sets the tone for the rest of your day.
6. Replace the perfectionism.
Few thought habits can be so destructive in daily life as perfectionism.
It can paralyze you from taking action because you become so afraid of not living up to some standard. And so you procrastinate and you do not get the results you want. This will make your self-esteem sink.
Or you take action but are never or very rarely satisfied with what you accomplished and your own performance. And so your opinion and feelings about yourself become more and more negative and your motivation to take action plummets.
How can you overcome perfectionism?
A few things that really helped me are:
Go for good enough. When you aim for perfection then that usually winds up in a project or a task never being finished. So simply go for good enough instead. Don’t use it as an excuse to slack off. But simply realize that there is something called good enough and when you are there then you are finished.
Remember that buying into myths of perfection will hurt you and the people in your life. This simple reminder that life is not like in a movie, a song or a book can be good reality check whenever you are daydreaming of perfection. Because reality can clash with your expectations when they are out of this world and harm or even possibly lead to the end of relationships, jobs, projects and so on.
7. Handle mistakes and failures in a more positive way.
If you go outside of your comfort zone, if you try to accomplish anything that is truly meaningful then you will stumble and fall along the way.
And that is OK. It is normal. It is what people that did something that truly mattered have done throughout all ages. Even if we don’t always hear about it as much as we hear about their successes.
So remember that. And when you stumble try this:
Be your own best friend. Instead of beating yourself up, ask yourself: How would my friend/parent support me and help me in this situation? Then do things and talk to yourself like he or she would. It keeps you from falling into a pit of despair and helps you to be more constructive after the first initial pain of a mistake or failure starts to dissipate.
Find the upside. Another way to be more constructive in this kind of situation is to focus on optimism and opportunities. So ask yourself: what is one thing I can learn from this? And what is one opportunity I can find in this situation? This will help you to change your viewpoint and hopefully not hit the same bump a little further down the road.
8. Be kinder towards other people.
When you are kinder towards others you tend to treat and think of yourself in a kinder way too. And the way you treat other people is how they tend to treat you in the long run.
So focus on being kind in your daily life.
You can for example:
Just be there and listen as you let someone vent.
Hold up the door for the next person.
Let someone into your lane while driving.
Encourage a friend or a family member when they are uncertain or unmotivated.
Take a few minutes help someone out in a practical way.
9. Try something new.
When you try something new, when you challenge yourself in a small or bigger way and go outside of your comfort zone then your opinion of yourself goes up.
You may not have done whatever you did in a spectacular or great way but you at least tried instead of sitting on your hands and doing nothing.
And that is something to appreciate about yourself and it can help you come alive as you get out of a rut.
So go outside of your comfort zone regularly. Don’t expect anything, just tell yourself that you will try something out.
And then later on you can do the same thing a few more times and improve your own performance.
And as always, if it feels too scary or uncomfortable then don’t beat yourself up. Take a smaller step forward instead by gently nudging yourself into motion.
10. Stop falling into the comparison trap.
When you compare your life, yourself and what you have to other people’s lives and what they have then you have destructive habit on your hands.
Because you can never win. There is always someone who has more or is better than you at something in the world. There are always people ahead of you.
So replace that habit with something better.
Look at how far you have come so far instead. Compare yourself to yourself. Focus on you. On your results. And on how you can and how you have improved your results. This will both motivate you and raise your self-esteem.
11. Spend more time with supportive people (and less time with destructive people).
Even if you focus on being kinder towards other people (and yourself) and on replacing a perfectionism habit it will be hard to keep your self-esteem up if the most important influences in your life drag it down on a daily or weekly basis.
So make changes in the input you get. Choose to spend less time with people who are nervous perfectionists, unkind or unsupportive of your dreams or goals. And spend more time with positive, uplifting people who have more human and kinder standards and ways of thinking about things.
And think about what you read, listen to and watch too. Spend less time on an internet forum, with reading a magazine or watching a TV-show if you feel it makes you unsure of yourself and if it makes you feel more negatively towards yourself.
Then spend the time you used to spend on this information source on for example reading books, blogs, websites and listening to podcasts that help you and that make you feel good about yourself.
12. Remember the whys of high self-esteem.
What is a simple way to stay consistent with doing something? As mentioned above: to remember the most important reasons why you are doing it.
So remind yourself of the whys at the start of this article to help yourself to stay motivated to work on your self-esteem and to make it an essential priority.
Doing this simple thing and keeping these powerful reasons in mind has done wonders for me. I hope it can do the same for you.
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I'm not skeptical about self-compassion. It's one of the things that people with childhood-PTSD are often lacking so it may be lacking in many MLCers and perhaps in some LBSes.
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I confused self compassion with self pity in some respects. So I like how this article explained that.
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The self-compassion is fascinating, In It. Thank tih for sharing.
While reading it, I kept thinking of what we say tow thew newbies all the time: be gentle with yourself. I think that's a first step. We do need to be self-compassionate considering what so many of us have been through.
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I agree and the kindest thing we can do for ourselves ( and them too) is to stay away from them. Get out of the way.
Find out what our issues are and why do we think we cannot live and be happy even joyful again without them.
You cannot feel guilty for removing yourself from toxic peoples lives. They'll manage just fine.
Until they can have some compassion for someone else? Why would you want anything to do with them.
You gotta love yourself more than to go through the pain of all of this. Work on repairing the damage that was done to you. Protect yourself.
IMHO NC is vital to healing. And Peace.
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Louise Hay:
How do we love others? Accept them as they are. Allow them to be themselves. Stop trying to change them. Let them take care of their own growth processes. We can’t learn for another.
If their behavior is detrimental to us, then we may choose not to be in their presence—and that is fine. We must love ourselves enough not to be brought down by self-destructive people. If we have many negative people in our lives, then we can look to see what pattern there is in us that attracts these people to us.
When we change, we drop our pattern and we become different, the others will also change in the way they relate to our new personalities, or they will leave our lives so that new people who will appreciate us are then able to enter.
Whichever way it happens, it is always a positive move for us when we love and accept ourselves.
Another powerful tool for healing all relationships—family, work, casual, or intimate—is “blessing with love.”
When someone is doing something to disrupt the harmony of your life, bless them with love. You can do it several ways.
You can say, “I bless you with love, and I bring harmony to this situation,” or “I bless you with love, and ‘I’ release you and let you go,” or “I release you to your highest good.”
When we do this consistently, something happens on the unseen side of life, and the situation changes for the better. I have seen this process heal relationships of every type.
Bosses have become pleasant, families express love, difficult people leave, intimate relationships become honest. Those of us who have practiced this blessing with love are delighted with the results.
Let’s affirm: I open my heart to more love every day.
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From Psychology Today:
Self-esteem is affected by physical ill-health, negative life events such as losing your job or getting divorced, deficient or frustrating relationships, and a general sense of lack of control. This sense of lack of control is often particularly marked in people who are the victims of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, or of discrimination on the grounds of religion, culture, race, sex, or sexual orientation.
Sometimes poor self-esteem can be deeply rooted and have its origins in traumatic childhood experiences such as prolonged separation from parent figures, neglect, or emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. If you think this is a particular problem for you, speak to a mental healthcare professional. Therapy or counselling may enable you to talk about such experiences and to try to come to terms with them. Unfortunately, therapy or counselling may be difficult to obtain, and may not be suitable for everyone.
Low self-esteem can predispose you to developing a mental disorder, and developing a mental disorder can in turn deliver a huge knock to your self-esteem. In some cases, low self-esteem is in itself a cardinal feature of mental disorder, for example, in depression or in borderline personality disorder. The relationship between low self-esteem and mental disorder is complex, and a person with a mental disorder is more likely than most to suffer from long-term low self-esteem.
People with long-term low self-esteem generally see the world as a hostile place and themselves as its victim. As a result, they feel reluctant to express and assert themselves, miss out on experiences and opportunities, and feel helpless about changing things. All this merely lowers their self-esteem even further, and they end up getting caught in a downward spiral.
Thankfully, there are a number of simple things that anyone can do to boost his or her self-esteem and, hopefully, break out of this vicious circle. You may already be doing some of these things, and you certainly don't need to do them all. Just do those that you feel most comfortable with.
1. Make three lists: one of your strengths, one of your achievements, and one of the things that you admire about yourself. Try to get a friend or relative to help you with these lists. Keep the lists in a safe place and read through them regularly.
2. Think positively about yourself. Remind yourself that, despite your problems, you are a unique, special, and valuable person, and that you deserve to feel good about yourself. Identify and challenge any negative thoughts that you may have about yourself, such as ‘I am a loser’, ‘I never do anything right’, or ‘No one really likes me’.
3. Pay special attention to your personal hygiene: for example, style your hair, trim your nails, floss your teeth.
4. Dress in clothes that make you feel good about yourself.
5. Eat good food as part of a healthy, balanced diet. Make meal times a special time, even if you are eating alone. Turn off the TV or radio, set the table, and arrange your food so that it looks attractive on your plate.
6. Exercise regularly: go out for a brisk walk every day, and take more vigorous exercise (exercise that makes you break into a sweat) three times a week.
7. Ensure that you are getting enough sleep.
8. Manage your stress levels. If possible, agree with a close friend or relative that you will take turns to massage each other on a regular basis.
9. Make your living space clean, comfortable, and attractive. Display items that remind you of your achievements or of the special times and people in your life.
10. Do more of the things that you enjoy doing. Do at least one thing that you enjoy every day, and remind yourself that you deserve it.
11. Get involved in activities such as painting, music, poetry, and dance. Such artistic activities enable you to express yourself, acquire a sense of mastery, and interact positively with others. Find a class through your local adult education service or community centre.
12. Set yourself a challenge that you can realistically achieve, and then go for it! For example, take up yoga, learn to sing, or cook for a small dinner party at your appartment or house.
13. Do some of the things that you have been putting off, such as clearing out the garden, washing the windows, or filing the paperwork.
14. Do something nice for others. For example, strike up a conversation with the person at the till, visit a friend who is sick, or get involved with a local charity.
15. Get others involved: tell your friends and relatives what you are going through and enlist their advice and support. Perhaps they have similar problems too, in which case you might be able to band up and form a support group.
16. Try to spend more time with those you hold near and dear. At the same time, try to enlarge your social circle by making an effort to meet people.
17. On the other hand, avoid people, places, and institutions that treat you badly or that make you feel bad about yourself. This could mean being more assertive. If assertiveness is a problem for you, ask a healthcare professional about assertiveness training.
5 quotations about self-esteem and self-confidence
Adversity and perseverance and all these things can shape you. They can give you a value and a self-esteem that is priceless. —Scott Hamilton
Giving people self-confidence is by far the most important thing that I can do. Because then they will act. —Jack Welch
Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence. —Helen Keller
Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend. —Lao Tzu
To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are. —Anonymous
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I am always trying to figure what "self-care" is. I know that I need to focus on this but am not always sure how to do that. I found this article and it explained it pretty well for me.
Hope it helps :)
http://esteemology.com/the-practice-of-self-care/
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Love it! Love it!
Found online:
10 Steps to Self-Care
1. If it feels wrong, don’t do it.
2. Say “exactly” what you mean.
3. Don’t be a people pleaser.
4. Trust your instincts.
5. Never speak badly about yourself.
6. Never give up on your dreams.
7. Don’t be afraid to say “no”.
8. Don’t be afraid to say “yes”.
9. Resist the need to always have control.
10. Stay away from drama and negativity – as much as possible. (Uhmmmm Mlcers and their bull$h!te)
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Nice article, S4A! I was pleased to find that I've already started to shift towards some of these things, and it always nice to get clues to other things I can be working on :)
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For those going through a divorce:
1. Set up your own space. If you can afford to have a separate living arrangement during your divorce proceedings and it does not interfere with legal requirements for the outcome you are hoping for, find a separate space. If you are financially strapped, create a separate space in the dwelling you share and make it appealing. Buy yourself flowers for the room, get new artwork for the wall, colorful throw cushions, new sheets and towels.
2. Eat healthy foods. Divorce is a stress marathon - use extreme measures in your exercise and nutrition plans to remain healthy, or become healthy.
3. Get outside, walk, walk, walk or run or mosey or amble. This will go a long way to soothing the jangled nerves you are likely to experience.
4. b!tc#, moan, tear out your hair, cry, wail, take a breath and then repeat as often as necessary until you get tired of hearing yourself repeat the saga of your breakup and why you are right and your soon to be ex is all wrong.
5. Start a new career or hobby. You will meet new people, engage your creativity and have a new outlet.
6. Understand that this experience will have an end and a new beginning. Prepare to forgive yourself and your new ex and be willing to move on.
7. Evaluate your friendships and make whatever adjustments you feel are necessary. Sometimes there is a need to make new friends and say goodbye to relationships that are fraught with unrepairable history.
8. Daydream about your next partner and relationship. In order to be ready for a new and improved relationship, you need to know what you want and also need to see what parts of you need healing and nurturing.
9. Get reliable, recommended legal counsel. Be prepared for the process to take longer than you thought. Save your energy. You are not likely to speed up the process.
10. Understand that this experience may be an opportunity for growth and insight. Be gentle with yourself, be prepared to make changes in your life and outlook. Get ready for the adventure of discovering yourself.
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Virginia Satir was a renowned therapist who developed a mandala
to illustrate the many aspects of a human being -
all of which need to be fulfilled in order for us to be happy.
This mandala to be especially important when working with struggling with depression or self esteem issues.
Satir's philosophy was that our Self was composed of many different parts and that each of these parts had to be nurtured each and every day in order for us to be content and fulfilled.
It is an excellent tool to make people more aware of who they are and what they need to address to practice good self care. Satir's parts of the Self are described below:
(http://www.kellevision.com/.a/6a00e5520f87e088330128757aba0c970c-pi)
Satir’s Mandala is also an aid for self-care.
It describes the various parts of a human being which need to be fulfilled in order for us to feel complete.
If we neglect to make intelligent choices about how we fill these needs,
our subconscious will seek out fulfillment itself in ways that are not usually as healthy as we would like.
Below you will find a brief explanation for each section and a few examples of what would fulfill it.
Intellectual
Something which stimulates the brain, intrigues the mind.
Something which makes us think.
Examples:
Solving puzzles or mysteries
Reading a good book
Listening to a lecture or having a dialogue with someone about a topic
which introduces us to new or different ideas.
If you don’t make intelligent choices about how to stimulate your mind,
it will find it’s own methods for entertaining itself.
For example - a person was bored at work and didn’t address it.
Her brain took her to Ebay and amused itself by spending way too much money every month.
By finding more effective ways of stimulating her mind,
she eliminated her shopping habit and saved herself a lot of money.
Contextual
Our surroundings
The context in which we find ourselves, or in which we place ourselves
Our homes or offices
Examples:
Going to a beautiful park
Going to an art gallery
Painting a room
Adding scent to a room
Putting flowers in a room
Repairing something which is broken in a room
Cleaning house
Depression typically prevents people from performing a lot of cleaning duties in the home.
Papers and mail pile up. Dusting and vacuuming don’t get done. Dirty dishes pile up.
They also tend to isolate, closing the windows, pulling the blinds and keeping the rooms dark.
This chaos and darkness creates an unpleasant Context which further depletes the already low mood of a person with depression.
Opening the curtains and letting the sun shine in on a cleaned house tends to lift the mood.
Interactional
Socializing with other people
Examples:
Going out with friends or family
Going to dinner at a friend’s or a family member’s house
Attending a social function with someone else
Attending or participating in a sports event with friends
Going on a date
Going out with your spouse
Physical
Challenging yourself physically
Examples:
Go to the gym and workout
Go for a walk, a swim, a run, etc.
Attend a class (i.e. yoga, tai chi, etc.)
Work in the garden
Sensual
Something which stimulates the five senses:
Taste
Touch
Sight
Sound
Smell
Examples:
Light a scented candle
Getting a massage
Painting a room a different color
Wear clothes that are beautifully colored or a brilliantly colored tie that pleases your eyes
Playing music
Eating something delicious
Emotional
Something which stimulates your emotions or makes you feel good emotionally
Examples:
Watching a funny or sad movie
Going to a comedy club
Falling in love
Nutritional
Eating food that will stimulate your body in a healthy way. This is not the same as drinking caffeine or eating sugar for a “buzz”. What goes up must come down and both of these stimulants come with a crash when they wear off. Nutritional self-soothing is eating things that will make your body feel better naturally and in a healthy way.
Examples:
Fruit instead of candy
Protein instead of sugar
Whole wheat instead of white flour products
Spiritual
Something which nourishes your soul. This is not necessarily something religious, but it can be.
Examples:
Meditation
Attending your church
Performing yoga
Performing any kind of ritual
Research has shown that performing repetitive rituals can be very comforting and calms the mind.
This is probably why so many religions have rituals, like chanting, lighting candles, etc.
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This is an excellent set of posts.
The one that speaks to me best is the Satir method. Its well rounded and organized for me as I think in bullet points, and the examples are helpful. I review something like this weekly to help me stay grounded and balanced.
Thank you Air
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I used a similar model [physical, intellectual, professional, emotional & some I've forgotten]. Once I was independent of my h on a practical level, I looked* at the emotional part & realized that he was only a small part of my emotional life i.e. children, family, friends, pets etc. Meaning I was letting about 1/5 of my emotional life [a part that was quite firetrucked up] or about 1/25th of my whole life, dominate my thoughts & that was just silly.
Ways to cope. :P
*Not a 'break-through moment'--it took a long time!
Another model that helped me was The emotional guidance scale [google it]. If you stop yourself at boredom then you can stop the spiral down & it does work.
I had to understand what my h was going through--I was never going to accept one source of information so I researched depression. A lot. So of course I learned about myself. This is why I never discourage anyone from questioning their mlcer's state of mind even though it seems counter-productive i.e. not self-focus.
My lbs friend said recently, addressing her h [who was no where near present in any way, shape or form :P ]:
"Thanks h, for teaching me to like myself."
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Wow, love this conversation. It should help everyone wondering about self care.
Thanks BB for starting it!!
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My present to myself this Christmas was a Himalayan Salt tea light holder.
Casts a nice glow in the room to sleep by.
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My present to myself was, eating too much on Christmas Day and not! the day after and the day after... I did an hour walk alone on the day and got out at least 20 minutes the last two days. It warms me up and lightens my mood. I have also kept in mind something my niece said, 'no-one loses weight during Christmas'. Sounds trite but the weight thing really does drag me into the doldrums.