Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Hattie143 on December 16, 2013, 11:49:46 AM
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Just wondering, do people who find themselves in MLC at any point identify that that was what they were in the midst of? I know that a spouse should never tell their MLC that that is what we feel is driving their behavior but will they ever know?
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i think, in general, they do everything they can while in the thick of it to NOT think about it or analyze the cause of it. they only think up reasons to justify why they had to do what they did. having said that, at one point earlier this year (3.5 years since BD for me), husband said to me "i think you're going through a midlife crisis, too!"... so...maybe? ???
i do think they have moments of clarity but if they ever do identify their crisis as a crisis of self, it will be afterwards, in hindsight.
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They do...in the way that an alcoholic will "admit" they are an alcoholic to deflect....to make you think that if they are aware of it, they are either handling it so back off..or they are fine with it so back off. Sometimes they announce it to see if you will react by stepping in...know it all! Back off!
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Mine did. At BD, he was talking about getting older, losing hair, having to have a hip replacement...yada, yada, yada....then said, "I think I am having a mid-life crisis".
I thought he was talking out of his a$$ and said, he was too old for a MLC.
I Googled later and found out there is such a thing as a Silver MLC.
He also mentioned he is always tired, wanting to take naps, no energy and he thinks he is depressed.
SSG
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Mine did back when it first started back in 2008 but I honestly don't believe he knew what those words truly meant. I certainly didn't when I first realized what was going on. Just because they acknowledge something is wrong like having a MLC it changes anything. If they were meant to have then they will have one. Nothing can stop it. I may have prolonged the inevitable but he still had one.
He could be out of his by now, who knows. He left for the final time Feb. 7th 2010. The last time I saw him was back in June when I ran into him with his girlfriend at the store.
Since then I have completely let go of the rope. I have no idea where I will be if/when he decides to contact me. I was thrust upon this journey not of my choosing but I can honestly say I am glad it happened. I am so different because of it. I love myself so much more than I could have ever dreamed. I definitely wouldn't want to ever do it again or wish it upon anyone.
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My H was given a book about MLC and aft reading it he is convinced that he has HAD an MLC and now the problem is the relationship between him and me!
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Here is another Genius platinum for your all!
Genius well, I told him he was having a MLC. ;D ;D
He replied, "I am not!! I don't have a red sports car!"
I replied, "Umm I forgot to mention the car lot called. Something about a sting ray??"
"It's blue not red!!!"
That's Corvette Sting Ray.
With J I never mentioned it. I just had a bunch of books on MLC laying around the house. I noticed he poked a bit at them when I was not looking.
One night he said to me, "So what are you worried that I will have a MLC someday or something?"
I replied, "Umm No, I think you have already had one."
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When I mentioned it to my H (before I found this site ::)) he did some research on line and then said "I can see how you would think that would describe me, but I'm not having an MLC."
Appropriate MLC logic don't you think?
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When I mentioned it to my H (before I found this site ::)) he did some research on line and then said "I can see how you would think that would describe me, but I'm not having an MLC."
Appropriate MLC logic don't you think?
EXACTLY the response i got when i described in detail why and what he was going through. he said, though, he had already worked through his issues. (this was at 2 months post bd). he even agreed about the disconnecting for a year or so before bd.
doesnt matter though. its all my fault anyways. ???
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When I mentioned it to my H (before I found this site ::)) he did some research on line and then said "I can see how you would think that would describe me, but I'm not having an MLC."
Appropriate MLC logic don't you think?
SF, this is totally what my husband said to me when JP's wife told him that I thought he was having a MLC. Holy Moly...
Needless to say, I don't talk to her anymore, and I believe JP is beginning his descent into the tunnel. I will keep you all posted.
CT 8)
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A MLC book by Jim Conway was left anonymously for H, which he duly read (surprise!) and then announced he had had an MLC and was now over it, and the issue was our relationship.
He has now passed this book onto a friend who he thinks is in a worse state than him!!!! This friend has said to me that H is doing some really strange stuff and doesn't understand him!
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After BD in 6/13 and due to my panic, I accused H of having a MLC (not knowing exactly what that even was). I started researching MLC in October after finding literature in his office from a counsellor I didn't know he had seen last spring. HE KNEW BEFORE I DID that he was in a MLC and never said anything. How could he? He hadn't said more than 5 words to me from January 15, 2013 to December 3, 2013, I was literally invisible to him.
My husband is in the depth of Depression. A couple of weeks ago he sent me an email with the Six Stages of MLC that he had found on the internet. He was trying to break it to me that he was in MLC...Funny, because I obviously already knew and had read those stages so many times trying to figure out where he was! He went as far as to ask me, "In those six stages of MLC where do you think I am? How long until you think I will be better?"
What I found is that even though he knew what was "wrong" with him, it didn't make his MLC behaviors nonexistent. My H REFUSED to have an affair - he didn't want to go there and become a "cliche". However, he did admit to me he thought about it (finding an OW). After talking to his counsellor he was told that another woman wouldn't make him happy - but would make him unhappier now - and down the road - for many different reasons. Thank God he talked to his counsellor about it and took that advice...BUT knowing he was in MLC didn't stop him from ignoring me, lying to me, vanishing for days at a time, disconnecting from family and friends, becoming the opposite of who he was. It didn't stop him from being selfish and self-centered and breaking my heart and any self worth. He never moved out. I sometimes wonder if it would have been easier? I remember it being so hard crying myself to sleep knowing he was in the spare bedroom and didn't give a damn about me or my feelings...
We are now working on reconnecting and there seems to be a very dim light at the end of the tunnel. He is attending ongoing counseling again after taking 6 months off. He has also started taking antidepressants (after I insisted) due to his thoughts of suicide following his father's death the end of December.
I don't believe he dwells on his MLC and we don't discuss it, unless he wants to. At this time he is just trying to get his depression and anxiety under control. We both know he needs to finish his journey and are living the best we can knowing there is a long road ahead of us. I feel very fortunate that he acknowledges where he is at.