Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Tsunami on December 18, 2013, 06:42:07 PM
-
This is for all of you who are just beginning your journey with your MLCér.
Your spouse was emotionally damaged at a young age. He/She supressed their hurt feelings when they were young, as an adult their hurt and pain has risen to the surface, so they return to the age the emotional damage occured.
It is their issue, it does not belong to you. Whoever they were married to at this time would have been the LBS, so please, don't blame yourself.
All of you that have been at this for some time, please add your input to this thread.
-
Not all relationships will survive the MLC.
There is ONE person you can't live without. They were there when you were born,
they will be there when you die. Take care of that person!
-
I, for one, have made it to that peaceful place amidst this mess. No he hasn't returned but I still believe he will someday. I no longer base my happiness upon his return. I found the happiness within.
It didn't happen until I decided to grieve the loss. Once I fully grieved the loss I was able to start the healing process. I may not be completely healed as I still don't feel I can completely open my heart to someone but I do know I'm on my way to being completely healed.
I also have found being single doesn't make me lonely anymore.
I'm out exploring my life finding things that fill me up. Volunteering is huge for me when it comes to being filled up.
I'm ready to start my own adventure, whatever that means. I do know, however, my life was meant to be lived. It's where my focus is right now.
I was just telling someone, who keeps telling how amazing I am because I genuinely care for and about people, that it's easy for me to care about others because I learned how to care about me. If we can't care about ourselves how can we genuinely care for others. It's seems like such a selfish statement but it's so true.
I've learned a great deal of lessons or blessing because I had to walk this path. Lessons I don't believe I would have learned, honestly. I was stripped of my very being and as I started putting myself back together I became a better person. A person who is true to herself, sees her own truths, and speaks them.
-
WOW! Tsunami! i needed to hear that. Because my ex-wife had a troubling childhood and 1st marriage. She's going through menopause now with the hot flashes and mood swings and i thought thats why she's acting like this. Long story short, she wanted a divorce so we can start all over. She explains that we got married on the wrong foundation and now that were divorced she wants us to date. we've been divorced now about a week and seperated for a year and 10 months. She already asked me out for dinner but i diclined. Can anybody help me to really understand this kinda behavior?
-
Don't bother trying to figure out why an MLCer says or does something. I am sure they don't even know themselves and it isn't worth the effort trying to figure out crazy anyway.
Let them be.
Don't stage watch. I don't see the stages as linear and they can be all over the place, back and forth. All you really need to know is that they are in a crisis that will take a long time and you will know when they are not anymore.
-
Thank you Trusting!!
-
Wig70
I was intimidated into a divorce three years ago.It took 4 months to finalize. Went back after a year passed. Nope- no way it was going to work.
The only way I view your situation is they think a "Clean Slate" is what was needed to start the relationship again. And somehow a divorce is the only way they can think to do this.
Sounds like your ex is going for a land speed record in regards to dating again.
Proceed with caution and focus on you. Don't tie your self worth up in her.
(((Hugs)))
-
All of you that have been at this for some time, please add your input to this thread.
Over three years of 100% No Contact has given me a fresh start in life. A totally new perspective.
-
PLEASE STOP with the worries about the OP!!! STOP focusing on her!! Stop thinking about her!! STOP throwing her in spouses face. (Substitute him as necessary).
Grief I understand how the new person feels about the OP. I was there. I remember well the pain, the anger, the confusion, the betrayal, the jealously, all of it. But I have learned better from experience.
I am a bit slow witted, so had to do this OP thing twice. Once with Genius and once with J. As some of you may know J lives with me and has for the 9 months. He has been very open, honest, and forthright about his experiences. I have observed and studied the situation as any nerdy researcher does. The conclusion-the person is nothing as related to the Wife.
For example, J had dozens of other women but one was pretty constant. Briefly, he demanded she give him oral sex at the bar in front of the customers a few times. He and she had sex in the bathroom of the bar many, many times. He would have her meet him at the park, tell her to bend over, drop her pants, and grab a tree, and have sex without regard for other people who may be in the area. He urinated on her through a tent flap. He treated her like dirt, or worse.
Now he says OW was just so free and available. She was fun. I asked if he wanted to do those things, why not do them with Wife. He said, "You gotta be kidding. She's the mother of my kids, not some W**re off the street. She's a good woman. I would never ask her to do that nasty crap. And she's strong. She would never do that sh*t." Did you respect her (OW)? "Why would I? I called her my Wh**e. A F*ck buddy. What do you think?" It was all part of the game with his wife I think. OW made her crazy so he had something to needle her with. It is one of the things that kept them together (J and OW) for so long I believe. She was a good board to bang his wife over the head with at any time. Another example of a wife who let herself get in the way and impede the journey.
The other woman is nothing but a way to exercise and excise the dark side of the MLCer, the depression, the anger, the past, and to drive the Ex nuts with. (Remember any way to bother the LBS is extra points.) Nothing more. J hasn't seen or talked to OW in well over a year. No desire or need to in his words. He told her to stop calling him, stop bothering him, that he didn't want her around cluttering up his life. Wife gets money, frequent calls, respect, his attention, his affection and assistance.
Do you want to be the Wh*re or the woman in the long run? To impede the MLC journey or get out of the way?
-
The other woman is nothing but a way to exercise and excise the dark side of the MLCer, the depression, the anger, the past, and to drive the Ex nuts with.
I so agree with this statement ::) ::) ::) and the only thing that we have any control over is the 'driving us nuts' part.
-
The ex did the same thing this exow was pretty much an opportunistic predator.
Fr the life of me I couldn't figure out what she saw in him. No job, 2 kids, I knew she made goo-goo eyes at him when we would run into her but I thought he could see that.
He ran into her again in the grocery store and that pretty much lit the match to the bomb that exploded. He made the comment he was "Ripe for the picking".
This person was a prostitute from the ages of 14 to 21 in New York City so talk about working those dark fantasies out? There was evidence of that when I got back to the house. BUT he could not achieve the "ultimate connection" she wanted him to make. They did everything else but. And she pulled out all the stops to get him to do that.
There was something though she said in an email that she could not believe he asked her to do and would never forget-it took quite a while for me to figure that out also.
I even asked him "What was it even a retired NYC hooker wouldn't do?" He yelled. "None of your business!!!"
To be honest? I think he asked her to do something trying to make himself so repulsive that she would leave him.
In the end? It was clear what she was after- it was the Real Estate he owned. He said he would marry her then backed out.
The whole thing drove me entirely nuts- this happened in what was my bed, my house, mine and the girls lives two weeks after the divorce was final which took 4 months.
That was three years ago now..and if he had the chance to be with her again? I'd give him to her.
-
My question is this, since my MLCer is a vanisher, and has been gone for over 4 years, and has just recently introduced the kids to his girlfriend, at what point is the girlfriend a genuine girlfriend and not an OW ? I have no idea at what stage my exH is at. I am in a serious relatioship with someone myself and have had no moves from my exH about reconciliation.
-
I am not old enough to post in this thread.
-
I'm also curious as is Ember...at what point is the girlfriend a genuine girlfriend and not the OW anymore?
My ex has been with OW/gf for many years. If he and I talk and she happens to come up, I just call her OP-other person. I refuse to call her by her given name-that is one of my boundaries.
-
im not an old timer but i wont call trollop by her name either she is just that woman as she doesnt deserve any name , i know it annoys h and he calls me childish ?? not childish she doesnt deserve my breath or my time .
their relationship is based on lies and deciet and they are BOTH liars and cheats and karma will kick their butts soon i am sure.
-
In my case, this girlfriend has only been around for about a year and we have been divorced for 3. So I guess I can't really refer to her as an OW.
-
That's a really good question- how long are they considered an OW after a divorce or married separation.
I guess as long as we think about them (ow) with any animosity. It may be much longer with younger children in the mix. If she starts to press your buttons regarding the kids.
If the kids are older or there is none- the sooner you can let go emotionally the better. Chances are? He may pick up on another OW to apply as a band-aid or something else.
I've been legally divorced three years- this Sept. it will be 4. The last time I saw or dealt with him in person it was April 2013. I have no desire to see or talk or communicate with him.
Frankly? I couldn't care less who he sees.
-
In my opinion I think, the OW stays an OW for as long as she is the person who helped split our relationship, as long as we are still married. I did not refer to the OW by her name nor by the term OW and almost never brought her up to Genius as she was not worth the air to do so.
Once I told Genius she was nothing to me. He yelled "She is a person and as such she matters in that way." Ah, yes true love. ;D
Kidding aside, J had his OW for about 8 years on and off, mostly on. He vanished for 2 years from his wife's life and that of OW at one point . OW still tries to contact him, most recently 4 days ago. He wants nothing to do with her. Still, he laughs when Ex-wife brings her up. He loves it that it makes Ex-wife crazy still. It is only Ex-wife that keeps it alive.
When Ex-wife asked him why OW was still one of his FB friends, he looked puzzled. Then he shrugged and said, I don't know. I'm never on that and don't pay any attention to her anyway. Why? do you want me to unfriend her? (I pre-prepped Ex-wife with an answer.) She said, "No, I would not want you to hurt her or add to her pain by doing that." J almost fell off the sofa. The stick to beat Ex-wife over the head was taken from him. He has not thrown that in her face since.
-
LP,
Enjoying your post, and laughing my head off, but I wonder does J have any remorse for the way he treated his wife?
Thanks for posting!
Tsu
-
Hi Tsu!
I'm glad you enjoyed a laugh. Yes, he feels some level of remorse. It is not that he outwardly says he is sorry for his behavior to his wife. It is more a shift in overall attitude in which he now treats her with respect and slips back into calling her his pet name for her when she is having difficulties.
-
Another note I would like to mention if I may concerns the coldness of the MLCer.
Many of us go through a period in which the MLCer gets closer to us at one time or another. Perhaps we have a nice weekend, a pleasant interaction, a normal moment. Then we are hurt, devastated, and or confused when the MLCer runs or turns cold and nasty the next time we interact.
In my opinion, it is a normal cycle for many MLCers-The MLCer comes near and warms up to you. They have a normal type moment with you. He feels something, perhaps a tug of the heart, a reminder of the past, of love. That scares him. In order to remain separated he needs to feel dead and cold inside to justify his decision on why he left. So he freezes you out again, depersonalizes you. Until the next time he needs your sunshine and he comes near enough to you to thaw him again.
Please do not invest much into these times. For sometime they will be fleeting at best. Please don't let the interactions raise any expectations. You will likely only be hurt. That pushes the MLCer farther away as he runs from guilt. Get out of his way and let him get on with his journey. It protects you and helps him. At least that is what I believe.
But you can believe that they still have some sort of feelings for you I believe. They are not done as they emphatically say or yell. That belief changes nothing though as each one of these interactions comes with a cost-the retreat, the coldness, the nastiness. At least for awhile. See it for what it is and continue on your journey please. We have been hurt and confused enough.