Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Sunny on January 04, 2014, 06:32:23 PM
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Hi all
Probably has been done before but I'm just curious of what numbers of MLCer contact types are represented amongst us. Thanks for voting!
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Mine is a clingy boomerang once a month. It lasts for a week. ::)
Otherwise he goes 3 weeks without a peep.
Still on our bank acct. doesn't take $ out.
Still on our car insurance. Direct deposits that from his paycheck.
Never changed his address from here.
Never filed anything legally.
We still do our income taxes together.
Weird. He lives with Farkle Family. :o :o :o
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Hi Sunny :)
I would be curious to know if they are living at home or not. I have a clinging boomerang that lives at home. We are 1 year post BD and he has no inclination to leave home. He is quite content with being roommates! I guess I have made things too comfortable ???
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searching,
if my H lived here for the last 34 months I would have smothered his selfish a** a long time ago w/ a couch cushion. >:( ::)
He said I pushed him away but his own withdrawal, anger and lack of coping skills brought us here. ::)
OW lets him rant and rave and stares at him and the Ds like 'is this really happening?' ???
it's a spectrum all right.
different contact levels at different times.
We shouldn't fear when they're quiet.
It's growth beneath the surface.
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searching,
if my H lived here for the last 34 months I would have smothered his selfish a** a long time ago w/ a couch cushion >:( ::)
That thought has crossed my mind frequently :o H's dad has asked me not to kill him ::) as clinging as H is I don't know if there would be much difference if he didn't live here.
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Searching - My H originally was happy to live like room mates. He moved upstairs - it was just weird. I truly he believe he did in fact move out because of pressure from OW. I also did not beg him to stay.
Regarding contact types - not sure - we still have joint account, he has a couple of bills coming out that he doesn't seem to want to move. He has not changed his address on most things either. Although he has moved all his stuff out. I see him weekly re the children. He has never once seemed confused about his decision to be with OW. Does it make him a boomerang? Never seen him as a clinger. I am not sure.
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Searching, yes it would be good to know how many MLCers are home. Another poll maybe? Mine has never been back since the day he left, some 16 months ago.
Panda, I can see its not so clear for everyone. Not everyone falls into the categories. I do think one day it would be good to have alternative categories as right now the category descriptions are quite broad. I don't think your H is a clinger or boomerang. It's difficult to say isn't it!
I think I did this poll for me to see I am not the only one with a Vanisher. My mind knows it but sometimes it is very lonely as the spouse of a Vanisher. But I know everyone has their troubles with their MLCer, no one is immune.
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I think it is hard to qualify contact type for at home MLCers since we do have regular contact with them because of the living situation, if nothing else. Mine has never left home, almost five years post BD. We still have joint accounts. Our lives are still entwined in many ways though he has lived his life without concern for me and the kids.
if my H lived here for the last 34 months I would have smothered his selfish a** a long time ago w/ a couch cushion. >:( ::)
I will admit the thought has crossed my mind more than once...
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Searching - My H originally was happy to live like room mates. He moved upstairs - it was just weird. I truly he believe he did in fact move out because of pressure from OW. I also did not beg him to stay.
H is looking on dating sites for the next OW; at this point being roommates hasn't cramped his style yet but I agree with you Panda it is probably the OW that pressures them to move out.
I think it is hard to qualify contact type for at home MLCers since we do have regular contact with them because of the living situation, if nothing else. Mine has never left home, almost five years post BD. We still have joint accounts. Our lives are still entwined in many ways though he has lived his life without concern for me and the kids.
Trusting, I agree that it may be hard to tell what type they are because of the constant contact. I label mine a clinger because the mention of moving out makes him crawl into the fetal position ??? he has serious issues with being alone.
I don't know how you do it..........5 years!!!! You are one strong woman.
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I don't know how you do it..........5 years!!!! You are one strong woman.
...or completely crazy. :) No, I got into a mode where I was able to step back and not pay (much) attention to him and what he was doing. Now that he is around more and more involved with the family again, it is making detachment difficult once again. Sigh.
I don't call mine a clinger because he hasn't expressed in words or action any interest in having a relationship with me for the duration, but I would call him a boomerang since he is still around.
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I have what appears to be the biggest clinger on HS site. Living at home.
When he moved out I had to shove him out the door. I am quite sure he would have let six months rent go by without actually staying there if I hadn't. And within a few weeks he wanted to come back. I said no.
While he was gone, you'd have thought he still lived here the amount of time he spent at my house. He used to ask to come and stay over every weekend pretty much. Txt every day and called.
My h is all the things thAt RCR describes in her list about clinging boomerangs, most tellingly the dependent or co dependent part. Needy needy needy. Hates being ignored. Still very much refers to himself as my husband, though I don't.
And I agree, if I actually could have lifted the couch I would have dropped it on his head several times !
SD
X
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SD, that's an even better idea. My H has been sleeping on a couch the past few years and I hope to burn it when he is done with his crisis.
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I don't really know what type my H is. We run a business together so that requires fairly regular contact which probably distorts everything. He's not living at home, has no intention of living it home but did spend Christmas night here ( after a lot of humming and hawing) so we could make an early start to our business trip!
How can you tell what sort they are if business commitments mean contact?
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Clinging Boomerang. Never left moved in garage. If other woman hiding very well. Holds onto phone for dear life. Pleasant no monstering since last year. Ow could have been his job, just got fired B4 Christmas was staying out late drinking every night after work. Been home & more like himself since Christmas. Gave me a great Christmas gift. Came over to daughters house to take grandaughter out to ride bike he got her for Christmas.
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Started as a clinger.
Moved into an on offer.
After the divorce, became a vanisher
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Mine started off as a clinging boomerang. That lasted for over 2.5 years. Based on pressure from the OW, he is now more of a "vanisher" with me. No contact at all or will even look in my direction when at a child's event.
He does have contact with the children. Only texting and he can go days or weeks without that. He will spend about an hour or two with one child when he does. This has been going on since the summer.
He still at almost 3 years hides where he lives from everyone (he has now moved in with his honey - He thinks that I am totally clueless).
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For the most part vanisher. Starting by threatening to move out to live with his mother and spoke about it like it was shangri la. Packed up his clothes and left two days after BD. I was a clinger in the beginning but he ignored me, and I learned how to detach. Now he pokes me with text messages and phone calls to try and push my buttons and play games. He's still sleeping in his mom's sewing room.
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Sparrow- if it's been less than 3 months and he pokes you with messages , it might seem like it to you but he is not a vanisher at this point.
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started has a super clinger, moved to boomerang when I come back home, than on and off than vanisher and vanisher has been for years. Except Mr J tries little silly things (divorce court cases, changing things with my moble provider, etc) to tell me he is still out there. And he leads a public life, showing up on the press, etc.
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Hi Sunny :)
I would be curious to know if they are living at home or not. I have a clinging boomerang that lives at home. We are 1 year post BD and he has no inclination to leave home. He is quite content with being roommates! I guess I have made things too comfortable ???
l couldn't imagine that. But at least if there is no one else on the scene for them , there's a chance they can come good and save the marriage.
We talked about it at first , if you could call it talk when your in a state of shock and heartbreak.
Our place was a treed 1ac so there was room to add something else around the place which l was doing anyway. Just an American barn out the back but with living in the top section.
Ex thought l was planning on leaving her anyway and living in that, nother story but so, she said why don't we just go ahead with the barn anyway and still live on the property.
My first reply was so oh , we go through hell for 5yrs to buy the place and now l end up living out the back like a dog in a kennel on my own place um , bit degrading.
Sometimes though l wish we did do it. At least it keeps the family together still and 1/4's the expenses of rents away and selling the property .
Maybe l could've would've , but in what , while having my ex leaving the house daily to go and be with another man , forget it.
That's the part l would not do , not even in the hope that we get back together soooo, it didn't happen.
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So ex moved out 6wks after bd because l work from home and needed the property space.
She seemed on her way day 1. She came to see me a wk later though worried about me. l was a mess.
But ever since , we see and talk a few times a wk , mostly d stuff and earlier financial messes .
Perhaps it's that she knows we'll talk and see each other every few days , she rarely contacts me except for d stuff or money stuff. That's been consistent right though. Once or twice we haven't text for a wk or two , didn't seem to bother ex.
There's also been many talks along the way to though , about us and a few all nighters via text , ex's feelings , one or two fights and about things that happened. Nothing on R , ever .
Ex has sometimes been extremely friendly , inviting , warm , caring, always very fair , d or money , sometimes touchy , but others back offish or even leaves or goes out when l get there or acts like she could not give a damn . It's often one or two goods and then a back off.
l don't think me going NC would make any dif to ex at all except maybe l'd get a text every wk or two to see how things are but that'd be it.
And it would damage what we have going with my d and the way we do things for d , so l've never done it longer than a wk or two. At those few times though to , l noticed straight away things getting weirder bewteen us and harder for everything d which l no way want so , l gently moved things back into our old system .
lf there weren't kids involved and l feel terrible even saying that but you how l mean it, l'd have completely left the area and started fresh somewhere else as soon as l felt there was no hope and to hell with ex.