Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: NinjaGirl on October 16, 2010, 02:45:41 PM
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Hello again lovelies.
I was curious if people could tell me what their MLCers personality type is/was before they hit the MLC. I am really curious if there is a certain personality type that this affects more then others.
My MLCer was introverted, didn't have any real hobbies, not very active, not a lot of friends, climbs the corporate ladder, always helping other people out (co-dependency tendencies), doesn't express much emotions. We have no children.
He just suddenly decided that we were just friends because our marriage was about me and not about us. But of course when I asked, well what activities did you want to do, I get the angry "I don't know, why do you always put so much pressure on me?"
Just curious. What was your MLC's personality type? Wondering if this happens to more introverted folks...
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My H is introverted, has a few good friends (but only 1 or 2), was social but I usually arranged activites and introduced him to people I met (other than he went out a lot on business dinners), he was not physically active (overweight), is an only child and is comfortable being alone, did not express his emotions, joked alot when I tried to have any "serious" conversations, has excelled in his company way beyond his wildest dreams but he doesn't really believe in himself, liked to watch football , play solitare on the computer and played a bit of golf and we have one child but he would have been just as happy without any.
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My H is extremely outgoing. Lots of friends, well respected at work. Always the life of the party. Loves to watch sports on tv. Golfs all the time , rides dirtbikes and used to ride streetbikes on the track for fun. Very adventurous. Snowboards, skis and skateboards too.
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Pre-MLC my H was an extrovert. He has led numerous local/state/national committees, was a published writer, was a textbook editor, ran for political office, and has competed in marathons/triathlons/extreme sports. He was an overachiever in every area of his life. He loved his family deeply and made that very clear. He knew people every where we went and made friends for life. I was always the cheerleader in the background.
Now, the phone that used to ring off the hook, doesn't have too many calls coming in for him. He is just on a different planet these days.
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My H was an extrovert pre-MLC. Always with friends and always the life of every party. No matter what setting he was is, he always found a way to fit in and find something in common with others.
Now, he has isolated himself from most of his friends. He has always been somewhat of a people pleaser, so I think he is withdrawing from a lot of people out of guilt and shame. He drinks alone nearly every night in the garage. OW and one or two other friends (who accept what he is doing) seem to be the only ones H engages with these days...
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Mine has hardly any..well actually.. no friends except maybe one but has not been in contact with him. Never wanted me to have friends in our early years but I fought tooth and nail to have them.
Can be extemely charming in a social setting.
A ton of hobbies but no focus. Very intelligent. Can do almost anything he sets his mind to.
Very non-conformist and somewhat anti-establisment. A bit of a dreamer.
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My H was outgoing and friendly. Had 1 really close friend and many other people he did things with. He was active outdoors, active in his work. Communicating and articulating his feelings with me has always been an issue. Avoiding conflict about "us" was how he coped with our issues. Sweeping his feelings under the rug so he didn't have to deal with them was how he coped.
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My H was also outgoing and friendly. The type of person everyone liked, and gravitated towards. Never had a social life on his own, we tended to do things with other friends with families. We used to enjoy each others company in the evening when he wasn't working.
He never liked conflict, and would walk away rather than face an argument. Was very close to his family, was reliable and responsible, and always put me first.
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My ex-H was a classic passive aggressive, the avoidant type. It is a learned behavior form childhood, and the P-A runs away from his problems, takes little to no accountability for his mistakes, would die before he would issue an apology, and the best part fo P-A sort is that he does little nasty behind-your-back or careless thoughtless things to you to provoke your anger and then calls you an irrational b*tch when you lose it because he **forgot** to pick the kids up, or he **forgot** to stop and buy dinner on the way home. Anyway those sorts of guys get hit hard with MLC presumably since they put more effort into their resistance (which is the behind-your-back stuff) and very little into understanding themselves or what role they play in their life's relationships. They also tend to have fewer friends and I guess this also makes them sitting ducks for MLC.
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Wow, my H is an introverted, helper type, very bright, avoids conflict- obviously to the point of an MLC crisis, adores dogs, had a group of buddies in elementary through high school but in adulthood has had few friends. Used to only call his parents if I encouraged him to- since June 09 has called them every day, sometimes multiple times per day. H is addicted to economic and political news- took the economic melt down personally. Can be addicted to computer games and collecting things- started collecting state quarter sets for unborn nieces and nephews and I´m talking multiple sets- approx. 30. Never disagrees with his parents to their face. Has done passive agressive things for years- I read the position of the toilet seat as a barometer of his contentment with me- pretty ridiculous I know, BUT accurate. Go ahead, you can chuckle on my account:)
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It's interesting to see the big variety of personalities. For some reason, I thought they'd all have something similiar in common, but it seems it's not the case.
I'm curious if when people self-reflect on the relationship... do they see long standing issues and possibly something that was the straw that broke the camels back. Or if they really do just snap and go wonky on us?
For me. I do see that if it didn't happen now, it would've happened later. It was a build up of issues combined with MLC and he snapped... :(
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I think I had signs about 10 years ago after his father died but hadn't a clue what was going on. He was adament he "make a life plan" for the next 10 years to which I replied goals were good but a plan...we make plans and God laughs.
Then the spending money like nobodys business and even with the threat of me to leave him and take the kids if one more guitar came in the house didn't stop him.
Then just bizarre behavior angry to the point it got him fired from his job..dreams of being a rock and roll star and now I'm divorced and have the kids and he's got a crazy ow and not much else.
I'm pretty sure I got the better end of the deal right now.
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My husband just snapped and said he wanted the relationship to be like it was before. Literally, we were talking on the phone at 1:15am while he was driving home from work and we were disconnected. I tried to call back, but his phone went straight to VM and I texted to call me when he had reception or I'd see him in a few minutes. Never heard back, and tried to call for 2 hours before he came home. He said he went to the beach to think about us. I had NO IDEA what he was talking about. He moved out 3 months later.
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Hi my H Pre MLC
He is very intelligent, single minded and a workalcoholic - friends were attached to sporting activities or work NO close friends - would have said he was an extrovert but i would say that is what he wanted to be, very kind and loving but liked his own way and controlling of your opinions and views (think like him or you were given the oh my god look - tried to made you feel stupid ) - would put his work and light weigh friends needs before his family (now i work this out as needy and wanting to be accepted and have friends like I did)
put a lot of pressure on me to be there always all the time for him when he wanted me - when he was away working never worried I was busy but when he came home
wanted me to drop everything for him. always needed to be seen as a winner, an expert and was a tad arrogant
MLC H after 12 months
First 12 months above magnified a real pain in the ass so over confident and arrogant
Now sometimes -
shy, doubts/blames himself all the time for anything and everything , not arrogant, more I'm a loser and useless, then the confident one the other times - a real over the top laughing and joker
????
B
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Yours is the first reply that sounds something like mine to.
Nobody could have an opnion other than his; this went on for years I saw it taper off some.
And the arrogance in the beginning I could NOT believe. Just so right and so sure about EVERYTHING.
Since bd and I left he actually emailed me over something more than once and admitted he was "dense". Never has he ever said that about himself.
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Hi ITFTLH
maybe they need to find the person within themselves that they want to be so they can like themselves, My H i feel is doing this do you see this too?
B
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bewildered
I think you're on to something. I feel like my H lost all confidence in himself and is struggling to find happiness within himself. I've told him that I wish he could see himself the way that I see him. It's sad to see them struggle so much and be able to do nothing to help. :(
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Before MLC, my H was an extrovert.
After MLC hit, my H became an EXTREME extrovert.
I think this is part of what has made me so self-conscious lately. The fact he's no longer happy with things about me he used to like seems to have driven him to find many more people to fit into his life so he can keep them in between me and him. The people my H didn't care about staying in close contact with for years and years all of a sudden he will refer to as his greatest friends. He even started putting up photos of his "godchildren" all over Facebook and I'm thinking, "You haven't even bothered going to SEE those kids for over a year, who do you think you're fooling?" Apparently he is fooling lots of people.
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I´ve been reading Why him? Why her? by Helen Fisher and it is great in its discussion of personality types and the connection with our dominant brain chemical (dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, or estrogen). My humble opinion is that the sudden personality changes in our spouses is due to changes in the predominant brain chemical and this seems logical to me. If it ties to this and issues of FOO, I would like to know how they find their way out of the mess. Also, if it is based on brain chemistry, 1) we are not the cause 2) we are not the solution. You can google her and take her personality test. Even without your spouse taking it, just by reading the descriptions, you´ll know. In the book she lays out the benefits and also the potential negative traits of each of the 4 types. She postulates that we are a mixture of a primary and secondary type: explorer, builder, negotiator or director. Her research shows that explorers do best with other explorers (dopamine based), builders do best with builders (serotonin based) and negotiators and directors do best when they combine. IT is for sure interesting reading.