Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Kitten on March 14, 2014, 09:21:56 PM
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Hey folks...an interesting thought occurred to me this evening and I figured it would be good to get everyone's input.
What was your MLCer like before MLC? I ask in reference to "high maintenance" or "low maintenance." Mine is quite high maintenance. (at the risk of tooting my own horn, I am very low maintenance) It required a lot of energy to keep up with his needs and expectations. It took me a long time to learn not jump every time he overreacted to something (good or bad.) He would never be described as "calm, cool, and collected. or even Happy go lucky."
That being said he had an excellent attention (obsession really) for detail and perfection. He has many accomplishments under his belt, things like instrument rated pilot licence, racing license, skilled plasterer, diving certificate..etc.
I wonder if the high maintenance trait is common among MLCers or if it is unique to mine. LEt me know your thoughts folks!
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Low maintenance.
Total accommodater.
Didn't see it at the time.
Now I see it crystal clear.
When they say still waters run deep- it's so true!
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Mine was pretty high maintenance in the sense that he blamed me for everything. If the weather was hot...it was my fault. If he didn't get a raise, well that was my fault too. He would leave all the decisions to me, and then blame me if anything went wrong.
Having said that he was avoidant in regard to discussions. He wouldn't tell me what he wanted and then he would expect me to somehow now.
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I believ my W is also low maintenance as well as Accomodater.
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Low maintenance, but I think it was an act. ;)
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Mine was high maintenance. She always has been.
Her MLC was triggered by an accident we witnessed where somebody was killed. After that she became very high maintenance. She couldn't be contained. It was always looking for a higher calling, she's not doing enough with her life, her old relationships with boyfriends from the long ago past were not properly ended. And I just didn't get any of it, which I didn't. Then a bomb drop in June 2013 where she wanted to take a trip and probably not come back.
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Low maintenance
Never argued, didn't see the point. Always compromised.
Only ever wanted his own way if he wanted a new car, usually every 18 months.
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Interesting, we are about 50/50 right now. For those whos MLCer was low maintenance...Am I correct in assuming they would now be considered high maintenance? In my case I guess a good description is that I felt like it was trying to keep puppies in a box. But at the end those puppies became snakes.
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In my case I guess a good description is that I felt like it was trying to keep puppies in a box. But at the end those puppies became snakes.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
TOTALLY HIGH MAINTANCE on every possible level...HIS way, His way, His way, every single time. Toys, clothes, money spent, attention, whatever!!
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High maintenance. Always needed me to keep him grounded and in a fair mood; he has always been in emotional turmoil and i had to soothe him . Blamed me for everything-if the washing machine broke, he was like, "what did you do?". Wanted me to do all his laundry, wanted me to bring him his food, and i can count on one hand the times he changed the girls' diapers when they were little. As a matter of fact, he has the teens this weekend for the first time and remarked that it will be the most time he has ever spent with them alone. To be fair, he was the principle bread winner so i didn't mind taking on all the housework and childcare but it didn't matter if he(or I) worked 2 hrs or 40, i would have been doing it anyway. And just before bomb drop i remember thinking, wow, he is only nice to me when he wants food or f$%*@!#.
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And just before bomb drop i remember thinking, wow, he is only nice to me when he wants food or f$%*@!#.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Yep- I've decided it's about money sex or food that's about it!! ;D ;D ;D
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low maintenance pre crisis
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Overall low maintenance pre crisis. Would have spells periodically where he had a bit of mania, I think, and overspend, but that happened more often before we were married. After marriage, joint finances kept that from happening until the crisis, then he felt entitled.
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Mine seemed low maintenance but I'm not so sure that was the case. He never asked for anything but apparently I was supposed to read his thoughts and meet his needs that way!
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High maintenance! In every sense of the way... !!! Expected you to drop everything as soon as came through the door..
If you didn't reply to text immediately, he would call 5 times. Mad because you took too long..
If I ask him to help me do something when we first got married it was either his day off he didn't want to work, or he had worked all day he didn't want to work!
So I asked finally.." When is a good time for you to help, you can't mon-fri because you work. You can't sat and sun because you don't want to work on your day off? He replied......." Good question?"
Never got answered. I quit asking..
HIGH MAINTENANCE! Lol
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Looking back I'd have to say mine was high maintenance (well, when he was home, which was as little as possible). The last year and a half was always me and the kids walking on eggshells, there were no discussions that didn't end with a snarky or nasty comment.
He is one of those people who always thinks he is right and belligerent if you probe him wrong. Just like his mother!!!! He always feels the need to win, was always the one with very little empathy for others (I am a bleeding heart, of course, the exact opposite). He is the one at work who fires people when needed because it doesn't bother him.
Wouldn't it be great if a link to this website for EVERY married couple could go out - a sort of beware and be on the lookout for these signs!
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My H was definitely a low maintenance accommodator pre-crisis.
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Mine seemed low maintenance but I'm not so sure that was the case. He never asked for anything but apparently I was supposed to read his thoughts and meet his needs that way!
This totally describes my H too.....
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Another vote here for low maintenance and accommodator pre BD.
Only ever wanted his own way if he wanted a new car, usually every 18 months.
TT - mine too, or a bike! Good to see their priorities?! ::)
xxx
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Interesting...almost two distinct patterns here. The low maintenance folks who flew below the radar and "kept the peace." And then the high maintenance folks who ran us ragged to keep them content. No happy mediums here.
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I made the same observation here also kitten..no BALANCE and I can only speak for myself with this I had NONE EITHER..
I gave and gave and gave and got little to nothing in return emotionally, physically or financially and Thank God I had some spiritual base or I would have believed every word he said.
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My H before crisis - low maintenance accommodator and avoided conflict at any price - Now - totally the opposite - monster and wants EVERYTHING his way - absolute nightmare
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Low maintenance.
Total accommodater.
Didn't see it at the time.
Now I see it crystal clear.
When they say still waters run deep- it's so true!
Totally like this. Expected me to read minds
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Mine is the worst kind. She is very high maintenance BUT (and this is what makes her so tough) she thinks she is actually low maintenance.
High maintenance traits: expects me to mind read and "anticipate" her needs, unreasonable need to be in control of everything, when asks for help still expects you to do the task exactly the way she wants it done step by step or she gets upset, unreasonably high expectations for everythng in lifke and always moving on to the "next" thing i.e. we could be finishing up a great trip or outing and rather than bask in that experience and being happy she is thinking about the next trip, material item, or thing she wants. Know-it-all who cant stand being wrong, never admits to being wrong and would sooner run 2 marathons back to back than apologize for something. Had odd physical ailments like perpetual thirstyness (i know hilarious right?) and aches and pains. She would get up off the couch to go to bed-walk right past the kitchen and say "could you bring me a glass of water". Every time i would think.... You just walked right past the kitchen are your arms broken? She expected me to manage her constant water need at all times and of course anticipate this. LOL sorry i am laughing thinking about some of this stuff. Super sensitive and unable to take any kind of criticism even if constructive, yet hyper critical of others and very judgmental to boot.
Alright enough....i am convincing myself i need to move on from her! Actually everybody has their stuff. My W is a lot to handle no doubt, but theres alos lots of good stuff. Just journaling a little about the high maintenance stuff
And she his a high energy replayer
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My H is High Energy Replayer - and was always high energy. The thing was he always had to be doing something....I on the other had can sit and talk, watch movies, want to cuddle if I ever got the opportunity....but he didn't ever seem to want to do this. I can't even remember if he was a cuddler when we were dating.
Absolute work-a-holic though apparently that was "to get a way from me" :o. Always wanted to be doing something, DIY, bike riding, Hiking, Shopping for Clothes, or Furniture or Gadgets.....but somehow now that was me who wanted all those things! Of course I would go along with it....and then I guess it gets to be a habit. Apparently I didn't help him with his business even though he begged......yet he doesn't remember all the help I did give him for years when it was taking off. All the weeks I was left alone with a baby.....I really bought our 16 year old daughter up on my own.
If I did something one way, it was wrong because is was not the way he would do it.....should I have kept trying? maybe but in the end I got fed up being made to feel like everything I did was either never acknowledged or done wrong ::)
No pleasing him and no being able to win......so stopped playing.....then I'm a lazy, good for nothing freeloader ;) who argued all the time and never admitted fault and always put him down........ :o :P
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I got fed up being made to feel like everything I did was either never acknowledged or done wrong
No pleasing him and no being able to win......so stopped playing.....then I'm a lazy, good for nothing freeloader
Yeah that's my sitch too. I gave that man everything, all my energy went to pleasing him and making his life better. I too helped him SOOO much in his job. It was never good enough.
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I see mine pre crisis has normal, even if he was a little nervous and anxious. He would not shy from conflict but he did not loved it. Since crisis, veryv high replay and high maintenance.
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Low maintenance only gets mad at his "toys" and anything that breaks in the house ;D or that he is trying to put together. If he would read the instructions maybe it wouldn't happen :D.
He was low maintenance before MLC and now after.
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I gave and gave and gave and got little to nothing in return emotionally, physically or financially and Thank God I had some spiritual base or I would have believed every word he said.
These are exactly my feelings too!
I also think I have been rubbish at setting boundaries - I kind of thought one day he would notice the amount of stuff I do and somehow appreciate me for it. I guess changing this MO is one of my challenges along the way!
He was a conflict avoider but very high maintenance emotionally. Everything was always about him, one way or another. He would also pick up on my mood very easily - e.g. if I was grumpy for some reason (even if it had nothing to do with us) he'd start being grumpy too so it was my responsibility to stay happy to keep him happy! :o :o :o
He's a clinger and still high maintenance.
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Was low maintenance and accommodator for the most part. But all that accommodation dating back to childhood has spun into high maintenance, demanding, always right wants the fresh new and exciting. It was all there before BD, but suppressed. And when it came out, the Monster lives!
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Vole...Me too. I was always trying to find a new and better way to please him or get his appreciation. I guess I did not realize it at the time. Now I see some of it. I am probably the epitome of "low maintenance accommodator." I wonder what that says/means about me since some of you folks feel your spouse was like that. I did always put his needs and wants above my own, I NEVER nagged, never raised my voice at him.
To continue our discussion...I am going to ask a delicate question of those who feel your MLCer was low maintenance. Before BD, how do you think your spouse would have described you? Did they feel you were also easy to live with or would they have thought you required a lot of them?
For awhile mine knew he had it good. (I don't even wear jewelry, he just bought me kitchen appliances/gadgets and I was happy). Somewhere along the line he decided I was more of a leech who did not live up to his expectations. aka sucking him dry.
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Totally high maintenance. Complained how I was not entertaining him enough as he was bored (he was like this a good year before 1st BD in 2011). Wanted to go out enjoying himself. Did not like the fact that I did not wish to stay out until 6am in the morning. Expected me to watch him work in the garage and admire his handywork. Would complain about the tomatoes not being cut the right way ::) Would say that he doesn't mind what ever is being done for dinner and then complain non stop about it.
Now as I am writing this I see how crazy he really was and it was never me. Glad he has calmed down somewhat over recent months.
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Mine was low maintenance and would avoid most conflicts . He sees himself as an accomodater and I can see some of that but in other ways he liked his own way . I think he picked the battles that suited him .
Although he was low maintenace ,when he was feeling secure when he was not he would need lots of reasurance of my love. Prior to this starting he found it easy to relax but I noticed a real change and he seemed to either beed to be doing something or had his head stuck in his laptop .
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My H would have described me as low maintenance too. We both accommodated. I wonder now if I should've stamped my feet a bit more. He didn't want to go on holiday as he wouldn't take time off, so we just had the occasional weekend away.
We never nagged each other, maybe we were both so easy going it seemed that we didn't care. But we had been that way for 16 years, it worked.......till BD!
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My H was also low maintenance pre BD i.e Happy wife = happy life! He was certainly very selfish during the 8 months that we were separated but never particularly nasty about it. I think it is a bit too early too say how his 'post' BD persona will be - at the moment he is wanting me to be happy at any cost, but he has only been back home for 5 months so I will reserve judgement for now :)
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My H would have described me as low maintenance too. We both accommodated.
We never nagged each other, maybe we were both so easy going it seemed that we didn't care. But we had been that way for 16 years, it worked.......till BD!
This describes me and my W as well!
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crazy high maintenance!! Oh I don't miss that for the world!!
He could never sleep, so I always had to take the spare bed, otherwise he was so grumpy and horrible. I got him up in the morning, made his breakfast, made his protein shake for his workout, then of course lunch/dinner if he was around. I brought him the newspapers, made his decaf tea the way he liked it - he used to tell me every single time how he wanted it!!! can you believe that, not like I hadn't been making him tea for years already!! for the record, decaf tea, 1 sugar and a tiny bit extra, a dash of milk. what a pain in the arse!! and why did I do it? because he was so miserable and grumpy and angry so I just did everything, trying to keep the peace!!!! talking about walking on eggshells! Nightmare! I will never ever go back to that. EVER.
He also wanted me to be entertaining, but not too entertaining, lest I forget who the real star was. He was a big drinker. apparently even more now. I rarely drank and still the same, rare girly night out thats it. I rarely drank as I always had to drive. (we lived in the sticks, taxis were a fortune). He wanted a party girl and that's who he got with his OW. a good time gal who got pregant on purpose and screams at him, throws things at him and has even thrown a few heavy punches. Oh and he has to look after the baby full time because she cannot cope. and she's back to drinking!
Materialistic, blows wads of cash on a whim, usually without talking to me first, meanwhile I buy clothes at Sainsburys. Bought a race horse without talking to me, and then a second horse a few months later. Ego-driven, would brag about his income, wanted to be admired. and yet none of this was ever enough to keep him happy. He hated himself. He probably hated me too. He certainly was bloody miserable!!
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My H would have described me as low maintenance too. We both accommodated. I wonder now if I should've stamped my feet a bit more. He didn't want to go on holiday as he wouldn't take time off, so we just had the occasional weekend away.
We never nagged each other, maybe we were both so easy going it seemed that we didn't care. But we had been that way for 16 years, it worked.......till BD!
Ditto. Pre-MLC he said my calmness kept him calm and didn't make him crazy. He said that other people drained him and I was one of the few that re-energized him. During MLC that became boredom and lack of passion. Now after his crisis, I am the person who helps keep him grounded. But there will definitely be more foot stamping in my future. ;D
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"We never nagged each other, maybe we were both so easy going it seemed that we didn't care. But we had been that way for 16 years, it worked.......till BD!"
TopsyT, our R was like this, too.
I read somewhere that a good marriage needs some arguing...or maybe I should say disagreements. Supposed to be healthy to clear the air.
My X and I were married 21 years (28 together) and never really fought about much of anything. We are both so very easy going.
You may be right. We both avoided any conflict because we both hate confrontation.
Maybe stamping my feet once in awhile would have been good.
Life and learn. sigh
Is your H a Low-Energy MLCer also?
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TopsyT and Thunder, this is such an interesting discussion. My H's parents - according to everyone in his family - never argued. They taught their children absolutely nothing about how to resolve conflict because their way of dealing with it was to ignore it! My family were the opposite. Until very recently I didn't realise how much my arguing/outbursts scared my H, he literally had no blueprint as to how to handle them. The same way I had no idea how to handle someone who is unwilling (because they are unable) to argue their point.
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Vole, I know my problem was...I married the first time at age 17 and had a very violitile (sp) marriage. Lots of fighting.
After our D I think I cringed at ever arguing again. I just couldn't do it anymore.
My H came from a very disfuntional family. Lots of fighting there, too
So he probably felt the same way I did about conflict.
We were both scared into not resolving issues.
I see things so much clearer now. I will never be in another R where I keep my emotions quiet.
They fester.
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My H & I argued a lot, but it was the way we were both brought up....though now H says I was the fighter and he never wanted to :o. His parents argued, his dad was bloody miserable and a drinker, though he was away at sea quite a lot when H was growing up. They eventually bought a pub when H was at college, then his Dad couldn't deal with it and went back to sea. Left his mum to run it and the guest house. That didn't last long. I think H's dad had MLC for a looooonnnggg time. His mother would often say to me that she was quite fiery and made a joke about maybe having italian blood because she liked to get loud about things during arguements.
Fast forward to MLC time.....H is now saying that I was the one who fought and he hated it :P And when he first started his affair he was on the phone to his Mum obviously saying how miserable his marriage was and had been for as long as he could remember....bringing up anything and everything he could think of.....and of course his mother sympathizing because of the situation she has with his dad being so mean. I knew this woman for 20 years. Last year when she visited she said she thought of me as more of a daughter than his wife ??? So now I am the devil incarnate >:(. MIL didn't know about the affair until I told her which was a month later....so H had been feeding her LIES for a whole month. She hasn't spoken to me since I told her H was having an affair.....her words to me...."He's not depressed, are YOU?" WTH!!!!
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Thundarr he seems to be high energy now.
His family is dysfunctional. Dad was 21 years older than mum. H had 7 half siblings & 5 full. Home was manic. MIL had affair with his sisters bf...she married & divorced him. Everyone argued, competing with each other. H sister told me he always lived in fantasy world, if a cat was stuck up a tree & fire brigade called, he would embellish story to make it more exciting.
Our life was low maintenance, yes I hate conflict but he is policeman & thrives on conflict at work, I have seen him in action so I know that to be true.
There doesn't seem to be any conclusive evidence except MLC makes them act differently.