Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: IM AZ on November 06, 2010, 07:28:07 AM
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BD was back in July. My W has since moved into the guest bedroom. We do talk a little about her MLC, but not very much. Several months ago she was not wearing her wedding ring and I asked why. She said she was doing some work around the house and didn't want to mess it up. But...... She has never put them back on (maybe because she has more of a sense of freedom without them). Anyway, yesterday I was doing some work with Habitat for Humanity and took off my wedding ring.
Should I put mine back on?
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Should I put mine back on?
My H took his off about six months after BD. I asked him why and he told me that it was a symbol to me that we were in a "bad place"....he later said that he was no longer committed or loyal to anyone, but our children.
Honestly, I think it was more about looking "free" than anything.
I, on the other hand, have never taken my ring off. I do believe it causes him irritation to see me continue to wear it.
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Should I put mine back on?
What do you want?
To wear it or not?
To be married or not?
I wear mine because it symbolizes my commitment to my marraige to ME.
Not because I care what my wife thinks or does.
I can not control that.
That is HER choice!
SO whatever you decide do it for YOU!
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I agree that you should do what you want to do. I chose to take mine off to take the pressure off my MLCer. The MLCer is under extreme stress, pressure, and anxiety.....and has tremendous doubts.
The article on Pursuing and Distancing by RCR is excellent.....and seemingly accurate. My friend's ex-wife is pursuing him now after about two years. He took his ring off long ago. I would not say my ex-wife is pursuing me at this time, but she has (at least so far) been a boomeranger....and I have not been wearing my ring.
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I am also not sure what to do about my ring. We never had rings when we were married and for our 10 year anniversary in Dec 2009 my H bought me a ring. He does not have a ring, but for both of us it was never something we needed. The night I found out about EA with OW I took my ring off because I was completely devastated, but when he said he wanted to be with me and we would work on the marriage I put it back on.
I took it off again just before he moved out because everyday for three weeks he would say he wasn't sure if he was staying or if he was leaving. I gave it to him and said when he decided he could put it back on my finger.
After he moved out I found it in the drawer of his bedside table. I put it back in the box it came in and it's in my safe.
Part of me wants to put it on, but part of me wants him to do it.
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I'm so glad someone started this discussion. When H and I were first separated he wore his ring by my request...well at least while he was home on the weekend. Anyway. The last weekend he was home he was working on S17 car and took it off never to put it back on. This is something I'm really struggling with ...mainly because I don't know yet if I am really committed to standing or not. I'm currently not wearing my wedding but only took it off two days ago. Rediscover - I'm with you ...I told him i wanted him to put it back on my finger when he decided he wants me...but now i'm sure when that happens I want a new ring. Besides. Now I'm living 'as if' he has an equal chance as anyone else to put it on my finger...I have to give him that impression anyways right?
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My wife took her ring off immediately after she left the boys and me. I kept mine on for about 6 months or so. When I finally realized that my commitment to the marriage made no difference to her, I took it off. I have my ring sitting up on my bureau in the bed room. My wife had it inscribed before she gave it to me with our wedding date, and with our initials. The ring is very special to me, and it always will be special to me. If she ever comes out of her messed up world, and decides to try and put our relationship together again, we will have to work together to rebuild that relationship. Our past relationship and marriage are over. Whatever happens in the future will be new. If we are able to rebuild our relationship, it is my hope that we will be able to exchange our rings once again, to symbolize our renewed commitment to each other. That is a long ways off though, and I can only hope for that outcome.
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I took my ring off a week after he moved out.
I will not put it back on.....it is in my jewelry box.
It can stay there......until we both decide that we want to be married and we put it back on.
He never had a ring.....so no big deal to him.
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I have always worn my ring. She doesn't wear hers, but I would feel awkward without it on. I am still married and the ring shows my commitment to our marriage.
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I'm with Ready. I took mine off for a day or two and it was a strange feeling. In the past, my h only wore his on occasions when we'd go out as a couple and I'd actually give it to him. For him, it has always been about the committment and not the ring. He does martial arts and he was worried he'd lose it at the gym when he took it off. I'm proud to be married and wear it as a sign of my committment and I feel a bit protected by it in this difficult time as Satan tried to tempt me a couple of times, unsuccessful though!
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The day of the BD my H left his wedding ring behind with his letter telling me we were through. I asked him why he left the ring and he said he thought I should have it that he couldn't wear it because it felt like a lie.
I took my rings off a couple of weeks later after one of our more heated discussions and a feeling of hopelessness. I had them off for about a week but I put them back on. I AM still married and I wear my rings as a symbol of MY commitment. The day I remove them again will be the day that I have decided I am no longer standing!
But for now, I am not even close to giving up on him!
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You need to do what is right for you. What does your heart tell you?
Rings have never meant much to me because I have always known where my heart stands. I didn't wear my ring all last year while I was training. My H had breakfast with some friends the other day and he said something odd to them about "T never wore her rings...". I never realized it meant that much to him... and now my ring means more to me then it ever has.
I did notice my H took his ring off for the first time ever...
I tried putting my ring back on, but it just hurt my heart too much. So, I wear it on my necklace with a charm that says "Be Happy". I keep it close to my heart, hold it, pray with it. That's what my heart tells me to do.
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I have spoken to my therapist about this issue. He was also an LBS.
He told me that he wore his wedding ring until he left the court room from his final divorce hearing. He told me that he was married until that moment and how he chose to address the issue.
Incidentally, his wife left him for another man. She and the other man married as soon as the divorce was final. They are now divorcing. Another example of the grass not being greener.
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thanks cor everyone's input. i was considering not to wear it to send a detatch message. my heart of hearts is to stay committed. I'll put it back on tomorrow
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My wife wears her rings on the other hand now. She transferred them over in March or so. I asked her why she did - she told me that she had an allergy. It seems that she is allergic to our marriage! A few weeks later she put them on her married hand again. Then a month or so later transferred them again.
I lost my original ring when my youngest son was a year old. My hands were covered in sun screen that day and the ring must have slipped off. I frantically looked for it in the grass at the park for a whole day.
Just a few years ago, a couple of days before Christmas by wife took me to one side, opened up a small paper bag took a ring out of it and put it on my finger. It cost about $20 and was made of steel. The commercial value of it didn't matter to me, because honestly I was so warmed that she had thought of it. She told me that now it looked like I belonged to someone. It's a positive memory that somehow counters many of the negative things she has told me in the past year.
I still wear it, and will until she leaves. Some days when I feel especially challenged, I take it off for a few hours.
In February I lost that ring too for a few days. My wife arranged for us to see a 'separation councilor'. While we drove to the appointment she felt something in the crease of her seat. It was my ring. She handed it over to me. Interesting circumstance for it to turn up again.
A couple of months ago I took it off to play soccer at lunchtime. When I came back to work, I couldn't find it. So I drove back to the indoor field. I walked onto the field and immediately saw something on the field glint from the sun streaming through the windows. It was my ring. A happy moment ( I take what I can get these days ).
When she moves out, I'll take the ring off - but I've thought about wearing it on a chain for a while. Probably the best thing to do is to put it away.
There are no rules. Take it off in your own time. Most of all, it matters what your ring means to you. My advice is to be pure of heart. Try not to take it off to stimulate feelings in another. Wear it or take it off because you're being true to your own feelings about it.
holdingon
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My H stopped wearing his ring a few months before the bomb drop. He said it felt too big when his hands were cold. In hindsight maybe this was beginning of MLC, before I became aware of anything being wrong. I tried to prompt him to wear it at times, but he would usually make an excuse not too. Eventually he said that he no longer thought of himself as married.
Funnily enough, a few months ago during a touch and go, he asked me completely out of the blue what I had done with his wedding ring. I think it was a little bit cruel of me, but I told him I had taken it along with a lot of other scrap gold and sold it to a jeweller. I could tell with his face he was shocked, and I didn't tell him the truth that it was in my jewellery box, until a few days later.
I stopped wearing my ring shortly after H moved out. The girls got upset about this, and I put it back on. In my eyes I am still married, whether H sees it that way or not. I also agree that I will wear it until I decide I am no longer standing.
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My H first took his ring off a week after BD when we got into a huge argument and he moved out for a week. When he came back, I noticed he wasn't wearing it, but he told me he had it in the consol of his truck. A week or later was our 15-year anniversary. I decided to leave and stay one night out of town because I was so upset about the situation. When I returned, I was surprised to see he was wearing his ring. He said he put it back on because he was going to be around the kids while I was gone.
That very weekend, he played music with a band out of state. OW tagged along, and he returned without his ring. I just assumed he had taken it back off and placed it back in the consol of his truck. Wrong! He ended up telling me (in one of his "touch-n-go" moments) that he threw it in a river in Illinois! What a chump, trying to "prove" his love to OW by throwing his wedding ring in the river...
In spite of everything, I still wear my ring because I am standing. I must admit that a part of me wears the ring because I know it gets under H's skin. I did take it off for a few days, and it felt weird. Plus, I definitely do NOT want to give anyone the impression that I am single and available!
Funny, there have been a few times that H had to attend the kids' school activities with me and he tried to act like his old self. At the time, most people did not know what was going on. Every time an old acquaintance would talk to H, he would hide his hand in his pocket or fold his arms over his hand. I found it quite amusing that he was trying to hide what he had done...
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My husband stopped wearing his ring some time before BD... he does work with his hands and it was getting beat up, but I still noticed and didn't like the fact...
Since he left, he has worn his ring sporadically, under weird circumstances when we've gone out on a "date" or in public and it is jarring to me, but he thought he was doing me a favor. I feel he was "trying it out... pretending like we were married (even though we ARE)"
I took my rings off in a fit of anger for about 2 minutes... I love diamonds and furs and my rings are beautiful, so NOT giving them up! Plus, the people I work with would notice if I didn't wear them, but the main reason is I LOVE MY RINGS!!
I feel my husband checks to see if I have them on when I see him. It reassures him in some way... that's just my feeling.
I do put "spells" on them now, LOL!!
I wonder where he keeps his now that he lives with OW...hmm.
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The Ring, in the greater scheme of things, means NOTHING if the feelings aren't attached; something I learned during his crisis.
Usually the presence of the ring is a deterrent; but if you're truly married, it doesn't matter whether or not you wear it.
That wedding ring doesn't keep people from doing as they please.
My husband lost his first ring after the affair wound down; and I bought him another...he lost that one, too.
I was a little upset until the Lord showed me that it didn't matter; gave me what I know about wedding rings and instructed me NOT to buy him another until he asked for another, and he did, in time.
It was strange the changes he went through before he asked for another; said his finger felt "naked" without it. I gave him back the one he'd worn in the beginning of our marriage; and he's had that one ever since.
Many people measure their "success" by that ring; but, like I said, I came to understand that it didn't matter; just as a marriage license doesn't make someone be "married"; and just as divorce paper don't really mean someone is "divorced".
It is only a symbol, that's all.
That's my take on the wedding band. :)
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I rarely where my ring I am in construction and have tried recently and lost it for a couple of days, the W found it and put it back in the place that it had been for 22 years prior. For me it is very uncomfortable to wear and I am always twiddling or moving it around on my finger and I no that I would lose it if I wore it be cause of my work. Hfb
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I agree HeartsBlessing.....very well put about rings, marriage licenses, and divorce papers. The process of MLC trumps them all. I am less concerned about my ring or divorce, and more concerned about the distance and space my ex-wife needs to process MLC. I want to give the best possible chance for a future return, and thanks to this website and other great resources, I believe that time and acceptance of the process are keys.....and neither is easy.
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My H took his ring off soon after BD....I took mine off sometime in the late summer...what I do know, is once H decided to come back to the marriage, he made reference to that fact that he noticed I had taken mine off and was wearing something else on that finger. I had bought myself a really fun, ring with a green glass stone...so, they do notice, even though they may not say it...atleast mine did.
Today, H wears his ring occasionally. In the past , I had given him a hard time about it( after BD and when he first came back). I have made the choice to not give him a hard time about it now...I see his committment and don't need to pester him about the ring...Yes, I do hope to see it on him all the time, but I think that will occur once he has fully exited the tunnel. You have to pick and choose your battles I guess.
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I lost my ring when I was working a construction job and took a long time to replace it; I did so in January.
I also had my wife's wedding ring repaired, which she had stopped wearing because it lost a small diamond. She never did put it on, although she says that she wished she'd brought it on her trip to see OM(!).
I still wear mine. She is still not wearing hers.
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The day after the bomb drop I took my rings off. I was so furious and hurt that looking at them at that time just made me cry. But, two days later, I put them back on and continue to wear them every day.
For me it is a reminder to myself that I am standing for our marriage. It is a constant reminder to me that I am married regardless of what my h does or feels. I made a commitment before God and everyone that I would be married to this man until death do us part. Now, I would still feel the same way without those rings, but they are a symbol of the covenant we made with God.
My husband has not worn his wedding band for several years. However, that was because when our twin sons were born, he was a private in the Army. We had next to nothing and 2 babies to take care of. So, he hocked his ring. It bothered me a little at first, but since he did ask me before doing it and me understanding he was doing everything he could to provide for us, I let it go. I have told him I would buy him another one, but since he works on machines, he can not wear it during work hours. So, we have put it off. It is the one thing I want to buy if we are able to reconcile. Even if he can only wear it sometimes. And that is more for me as a long overdue payment for him providing for us years ago.
I think it is up to each person to decide. However, I personally feel if your desire is for your marriage to be restored and you do not want a divorce, why would you want to remove your rings?
As people we feel differently and act different with whatever clothes we're wearing. For women, when we are at home cleaning, we might be wearing an old t-shirt and jeans or sweat pants. But, when we dress up, whether that be a dress, slacks, etc. , fix our hair, put on some makeup, we act differently!! And it's the same with men. I'm amazed that men who normally wear jeans and shirt and hardly ever wear a suit instantly start to swagger a little when they put on a suit or tuxedo. They clean up good and don't mind strutting their stuff! Their attitude is even different.
Now, why am I saying all this about clothes? Because our rings are something we wear. Just like the clothes we wear, when we wear our wedding rings or any other jewelry, we feel differently about ourselves. The clothes we wear are an adornment and they make a statement. You've heard the saying "clothes make the man"? ;) Our wedding rings are also an adornment and they show that symbol of a commitment. So, at least for me, because I stay committed and I am standing for our marriage, I will wear my wedding rings until my marriage is severed against my will. I told my h I would wear my rings until we are divorced and at first thought I would take them off in the courtroom. But, then I remembered you aren't actually divorced until you sign the papers and I've been told that's about 2 weeks later. So in that case, it will be after I've signed my name.
But, I am not giving up on our marriage.....I'm hanging in there even by a thread.....still wearing my rings. :)
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1. Is your husband home or are you separated and if so do you still wear your wedding ring?
2. My husband is not having an affair as far as I know. He has had I believe, one phyical affair 10 years ago and one EA over 1 year ago. He is in MLC or MLT and has said that he wants to leave but hasn't left yet. Would you ask your husband to leave if he wasn't having an affair?
Since, there aren't many on the board where an affair isn't present I just wanted opinions on what each person thinks they would do.
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1. Is your husband home or are you separated and if so do you still wear your wedding ring?
My husband is living at home. I wore my wedding ring up until he told me he was filing for divorce before Thanksgiving. Now I were my 10th anniversary band, but no wedding ring.
2. My husband is not having an affair as far as I know. He has had I believe, one phyical affair 10 years ago and one EA over 1 year ago. He is in MLC or MLT and has said that he wants to leave but hasn't left yet. Would you ask your husband to leave if he wasn't having an affair?
I don't believe my h is having an affair....fantasy affair maybe. I have not asked him to leave and do not plan on it. He will likely go of his own free will.
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My wedding bands were worn throughout, Tiny..I was MARRIED; and until he decided what HE was going to do, I was STILL married.
There was a time, however, while within my transition, the Lord instructed me to remove my bands for awhile; and when he didn't notice..call his attention to my bare finger...he immediately accused me of wanting to be single, LOL!!
I'm not sure to this day WHY I got that instruction; but something changed after the fight we had about it...and it caused him to think more deeply for a time, is all I know.
He was still stuck on the idea that if you didn't wear the ring; you weren't showing you were married, I believe. :)
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1. Is your husband home or are you separated and if so do you still wear your wedding ring?
Separated; I still wear my wedding ring.
2. My husband is not having an affair as far as I know. He has had I believe, one phyical affair 10 years ago and one EA over 1 year ago. He is in MLC or MLT and has said that he wants to leave but hasn't left yet. Would you ask your husband to leave if he wasn't having an affair?
I did not ask my wife to leave when she was obviously in the throes of an emotional affair. She did leave of her own volition, though.
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HB, I have always felt the same way and continue to wear my rings though I have been thinking about removing them. Also, he has not worn his since one week after we were married. He said that it was getting messed up through work and he has never worn ANY jewelry anyway.
However, in years past when we had horrible fights or when we went thru his MLC years ago I removed my ring and he had a rip, snorting fit. You would have thought I had committed adultery right then and there in front of him, lol.
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I can only answer number 1 because my wife left months ago. She stopped wearing her rings and I went back and forth a little.
I don't wear mine now and we had a (a hem) "conversation" last week about that. She noticed I don't wear mine and I said " It will go back one when YOU put it back on!!!)
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I am separated and I do not wear my ring neither does my H
Although I do not know if my H is or at any point was having an affair, He left at first with the idea of a separation. My H is a boomerang so after he came back and left a third time and wanted a divorce his stuff was in the garage for him to pick up.
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1. I wear my ring as I always have and will unless we divorce. My point of view is I'm still married and married people wear their rings.
2. When I found out about the affair, I told her to leave, in my mind for that weekend, but she took the opportunity and ran as fast as she could. Looking back, I realized she had always threatened to leave whenever something didn't go her way, so I've come to the conclusion she had to do this.
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H has moved out. I do not wear my ring, because before my H left I gave him my ring and told him I wanted him to put it back on my finger when he was ready.
I would not have asked my H to leave.
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Hi TD
I am separated and wear my ring still - my thinking is I will wear it until I feel it truly is all over , not sure when that will be but trusting that I will know.I have noticed that for some on the site that point comes with a loss of hope, for others it comes with a serene acceptance. Last time I looked ( christmas day) my H was still wearing his.
My H was/is having a PA. BD was in july and he made no signs of moving ( although we discussed it) until I eventually told him to leave in November - I couldn't take the cakeeating and monster spewing I was starting to suffer emotionally and mentally to a point where I felt enough was enough. The general advice is to let them leave of their own accord rather than push them , with hindsight I would have liked to stick to that particularly as the pushing him out was in the heat of the moment, alcohol induced anger :o. I do however feel much more at peace now he is not here , although accept the cost of that may be a negative impact on his likelihood of returning. Another pro/con is that I think my H needs to work through stuff away from me as he has always avoided conflict/challenge, emotional stuff and has been overly dependent on me, but.......I now think he will become a vanisher and is having very little contact with the Kids which is a real cost to him not being here at home also difficult to display my paving the way ?
Guess what I am saying is the general advice is not to push your MLCer out but I believe each of us needs to weigh up the challenges of having them at home ( there are some very strong LBSers living with absolute monsters on this site !) and our knowledge of ourselves and the ability to cope with this and the benefits of maintained contact with our MLCer , the children contact issue etc. For me these are more important issues than whether or not there is an affair but for some LBS that may be a dealbreaker for staying at home. It's an individual choice so its greta that you are gathering advice and info before making a decision - avoiding shooting from the hip like I did ::)
FB
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I wear my rings and will continue to do so. I also have been thinking that in spite of getting a legal separation at some point..I shall still continue to fill in the box that says married because in my heart and God's eyes that is what we are. Boy, I wish I didn't have that so firmly placed in my head but it is what it is for me.
Everyone has differences re this.....A long time ago, there was a man in our church who wore his wedding rings even though his wife had left him...he would turn it around on his finger looking down at it and I thought, that's rather strange, he's really not accepting reality now is he?
Always be careful for you never know when that might happen in your life. Honestly, nothing that I am doing is in anyway what I thought I would do should such a situation arise in my life..live and learn.
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1. Is your husband home or are you separated and if so do you still wear your wedding ring?
We are separated. I no longer wear my wedding ring. I removed it a week after he left (and before I found this website).
It feels wrong for me to put it back on.2
. My husband is not having an affair as far as I know. He has had I believe, one phyical affair 10 years ago and one EA over 1 year ago. He is in MLC or MLT and has said that he wants to leave but hasn't left yet. Would you ask your husband to leave if he wasn't having an affair?
I believe that my H is not having an affair. I would not ask my H to leave if he wasn't having an affair. He left 5 months
ago and still resides with his parents.
Since, there aren't many on the board where an affair isn't present I just wanted opinions on what each person thinks they would do.
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I'm MARRIED, therefore I wear my rings. My husband looks at them and fondles them on my finger every now and then... I believe it has reassured him all along that there was a path back if he would only take it.
My husband displayed Monster one weekend a year ago over a made up issue and it was so bizarre and ugly I asked him to leave. I only meant for the night, but it was his chance to RUNNNNNN straight to OW to begin the physical part of their affair. He never looked back for some time... not even to see the kids. I don't think I would have physically separated if I had a choice and there had been no affair... he travels for business m-f anyway and for the longest time, I really thought he was staying away to get a jump on his "big jobs" :'(
Eventually, he moved in with her, even after expressing to me he saw us together for life "eventually"... he had to "try with OW so he wouldn't regret it for the rest of his life" :o Yes, he really said that... didn't even contemplate he might regret his neglect of us for the rest of his life... it was all about her. Now, he can't stand her, but after a year, he's still attached for whatever reasons and trying to get away from her permanently. Wish him luck, LOL!!
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1] My wife is home, but we have begun mediation and our marriage feels very 'dead' to me now. I never wanted it to be, and I think I'm still standing. We'll be separated in a couple of months. I took my ring off a few weeks ago after a particularly abusive 'monster' spewed at me. I was shaking for a week after that. My wife stayed with friends this weekend, and for some reason I felt the need to sleep with my ring on. Don't know why, but it felt nice - I miss it.
2] My wife had an EA with her high school sweetheart. She reluctantly stopped when I found out, and she told me that it was done with. I thought that her motivation to separate was based on her independent feelings about us, until I learned a couple of weeks ago that she is in contact with the guy still or again. I never asked her to leave, I would never ask her to, and I have made it clear to her that it is her decision, her separation. [ She considers that abusive! ]. That said, it'll be close to two years of this by the time she leaves and it has been a challenge - though I would do it again, if for no other reason than to see my children every day. A mess.
I wonder sometimes if we didn't have children would I ask her to leave. It's hard to say - I know that she meant/means the world to me with or without children and so that shouldn't matter - but right now, after so much emotional abuse ... if there were no kids involved I'd literally move to the other side of the world and rebuild. I know that I'm not supposed to take it seriously ( the abuse ) and I don't hate her at all, or hold a grudge - but it has caused a lot of damage to me, and it all felt like it came from nowhere. It'll take a while to resolve, but I know that part of this lesson is for me to establish belief in myself once and for all.
Personally, I've come to the conclusion that when a person tells you that they don't love you, there's a very good chance that it is because they're directing their love at someone else, or comparing it to how they feel/felt about someone else - or because they don't realize what love is properly. It is too hard for me to believe that someone can just stop loving a person. There's more to it than meets the eye.
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It is too hard for me to believe that someone can just stop loving a person
I know, I've struggled with this.
I was thinking about a boyfriend I had who absolutely loved me..and I really never had those feelings for him and so, after a short but sweet summer, I bid him adieu.
Now as much as I sometimes get crazy that perhaps my Beloved did not love me in the 33 years we were together..in actuality, he did. I think he still does and that he thinks that I'm better off without him in some ways.
But the idea that he could stop loving me...especially with the life that we enjoyed together, the closeness, the similar interests and how he spoiled me...I've never been able to stop loving something once that love is in place. So, that's a interesting point BNW
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We are separated since he walked out on me. He has had several emotional affairs and several female "friends". I do not know if there was anything physical, although I don't think so. The closeness with them is damaging enough, though.
I have worn my rings for over 33 years and will continue to do so. The reason is simple: I am married. And every time I look down at my hand, I am reminded of that. When I am out and strangers see me, they know I'm married. My family and friends see me and they know just by looking at my hand how I feel about this. I am married. My husband sees my rings on my finger. He knows I have not removed them. I hope it sends him a HUGE message! ;)
The only way I will remove my rings is if he does go through with the divorce. And even then I will not remove them until we both sign the papers. It's not until then that I will be divorced.
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My H was home for several months after the BD. He then moved out for a couple of months.
I NEVER took my ring off. I was and am married. He put his back on a few weeks ago. It's a beautiful thing to see. :) I know it's bugging him sometimes, but he doesn't take it off. He knows what it means to me.
I didn't ask him to leave even after I learned of the OW. I can imagine a few circumstances that it would be tempting. I was tempted on several occasions. I didn't do it though as that is not what I wanted. It was hard.
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1. Shortly after BD I took off my wedding ring but it only lasted a couple of months. I decided to carry on wearing it until I decide I am no longer standing or H decides he wants a divorce. Divorce has never been mention by him in the 14 months since he left. A few months ago during a T&G he asked me if I still kept his wedding ring. Don't know if there was anything significant in that but we are still separated and he still doesn't wear it.
2. At the time I don't know if I would have asked him to leave or not. He made the decision and left two weeks after bomb drop. I only found information on MLC a few months after he had gone, so based on what I know now I would not have asked him to leave.
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1. Is your husband home or are you separated and if so do you still wear your wedding ring?
We are both wearing our wedding rings, and my H is at home. I do casually check to see if he is wearing his daily or not as I think that if I see he isn't I may pass out because he has always been pretty strict about that. He has "accidentally" left it off twice now - both times was after he had to remove them for factory service work, I know. I let him know I was very upset because I didn't want him to upset the kids and I did notice my S18 noticed it and had a very shocked look on his face. So maybe that is why he continues to wear it now...not sure. Maybe he was just pushing my buttons.
2. My husband is not and has not had a physical affair to the best of my knowledge. I am pretty certain of this. He did have an EA that he at some point said repeatedly that he knows he "crossed the line" but at other times chalks it up to "I wasn't happy" and the second round with the same person he excused by saying "he had to vent to her". He now swears it is over, but given his emotional distance I am reluctant to believe him, but maybe that is just my own fear coming forward.
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XYZCF;
I have struggled with the question about how h can just stop loving me. It's probably the one thing I
say the most..."I just don't understand how he can turn it off after 23 years" and especially like you said
when we were so close and he made me feel like the queen of the world. I will never understand this...
RCR could you please ask your h about this? It would be helpful to get the prospective of someone who
has been there.
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I always wanted to make the decision as to taking of my ring from a place of peace.
On the day it was confirmed to me H was having an affair, my ring finger started to burn. My body was in shock so I ignored the feeling. But it kept burning and burning so 24 hours later in a fit of crying, I ripped my ring off. I looked at my finger, and it was, in fact blistered and red. I then realised I had been cleaning out the oven when I found out, and some of the oven cleaner must have gotten under my ring and stayed there for 24 hours. To cap it off, the following day, my ring finger got a very bad case of sunburn, so became even worse. It was weeks before I could have put my ring back on, H was walking out the door at that stage so I did not put my ring back on.
12 months later, my ring finger is permanently scarred with a red band where my wedding ring should be. I hope there is some evil little gnome laughing somewhere for giving me such a visible reminder of that day, and at least he got a chuckle out of it, sometimes the universe is a little cruel!
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I just finished reading most of the comments regarding to wear the ring or not. My H removed his ring immediately upon moving out. I wore my up until the divorce was signed.....which was Oct. 7, 2010. I've asked my H (Ex) to return his wedding band. The first conversation about it he told me no that he didn't intend to "throw" it away or anything. I dropped the subject for a while but then I've asked for it again. He said he wanted to keep it as it was a gift from me to him. I told him that the ring meant more to me than it did him and I wanted it back. He said he would make sure he leaves it to me in his Will. Maybe about the 3rd or 4th conversation regarding his wedding ring he reluctantly gave in and said I could have it back. He hasn't yet given it back to me and I haven't pressured him about it any more. I love my rings and still wore my engagement ring for a few months. I finally stopped wearing it as it was just a hurtful reminder of what I've lost. He never really noticed that I was no longer wearing the ring......only had noticed when I was still wearing it. I still wear a birthstone/diamond ring he gave me but he doesn't notice or just doesn't say anything. So, I guess I'd like to know.......what are the thoughts regarding me asking for it back? Should I continue asking until he returns it or just drop it?
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What are your intentions when you keep asking for the ring back? I think it's a good sign that he wants to keep it and shows that he has feelings for you (whatever they may look like at this point). You will only aggrevate him if you keep asking him. Does it matter if the ring sits in his drawer or yours? Would you give your rings to him if he'd ask you to give them back to him?
From my own experience, just let him be. He has heard you and when he's ready he'll return it or not. He must have his reasons for keeping it and after all, it's his ring.
Shortly after BD, I kept asking my h the same question several times and he couldn't give me an answer. I didn't realize how counterproductive it was till my brother pointed it out to me.
I hope this helps. Just focus on yourself and let go...
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I second that. Just let it be, particularly if you are hoping for some sort of reconciliation someday.
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Thanks Purple Stain. I never really expected my H to return his ring. I think it was just for me to test him to find out how he would respond to my request. I think I might have been a little surprised when he refused saying it was a gift from me. I had the thought in mind to remind him that he broke the promise made behind the ring but I thought better of it and didn't say any more. I would like to believe you are right and perhaps that gives me a little more hope in the fact that he's still either confused or has feelings for me. It's hard to explain this but I have always felt throughout the entire 13 months that my H still has feelings for me. He has been mean, hateful, nasty and basically Monster off and on. He has more recently become more like himself in showing some signs of kindness.........asking about me and my family. I continue to treat him with the upmost respect and kindness........trying to show him and let him see that I'm still the same person he fell in love with and married. I really appreciate you response. It has helped me tremendously.
Hugs to all!
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I got my ring back from the jewelers today and have it on. It broke on Valentines day. I haven't wore it
for a long time thinking it might feel like pressure to Pumpkin. I also didn't want her to think I'm just
sitting around waiting for her.
It's been a while, and I'm married so I think I'll wear it, besides it looks pretty all nice and clean!
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My H hardly ever wore his to begin with, Said he couldn't because of his job...
He is an electrician....ya I get it, but he works on electrical programming now and has for about
7 years...he only wore it when "he remembered"
I hadn't wore mine in a couple of years ( gained weight ) but now after the MLC diet. I can wear it again.
I had been wearing it up until about 2 months ago.
My H just noticed last week I wasn't wearing it anymore and asked me why?
I told him, it was more for me and now it doesn't matter.
I wont put it back on until I see a commitment from my H again. If I don't, Oh well.
It will stay in my jewelry box.
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I had told P that I was going to wait for her to put it on my finger but there it is!
I ordered a new cheap one that I plan on wearing, for me it will say I'm married
to everyone but it won't be the "real ring" if that makes any sense.
It should come in soon. When it does I'll swap them.
So 2 rings in the span of 1 week.
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I keep putting mine on and off, on and off... I don't know why. I guess it's my mood for that week or month. I just recently started doing this.
I had mine off when I saw him the other day. He doesn't wear his, so I decided not to have mine on when we saw each other.
He did not say anything. I put it right back on the next day, because it just feels really weird with it off. Next week may be different.
But, for now it's on.
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I wear mine. I've taken it off a couple of times but it doesn't feel right. Plus I like to stick it to Ow when she sees me.
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Hi,
my h took my rings when he left the last time....however a few wks ago i was out and h came to the pub i was in....there was a big footie match on.......anyway before h came in i had been getting chatted up by another man....i enjoyed the attention but wouldn’t take the other man on his offer...this man bugged me for 2 hrs, he continued to bug when came to the pub, other man proceeded to chat me up right in front of my h ;D ;D ;D other man was only 27yrs old i am 42 lol....anyway h shouted at other man and told him to leave me alone, that i was his wife :o :o :o :o...he looked at my hand and asked me where my rings were....i told him he had them he had forgot he took them :o ::) ::) ::) other man continued to talk to me and h got angry with him and even threatened him............later other man came and apologized to my h and then kissed my hand and said sorry i didn’t realize you was married you aren’t wearing any rings ;D ;D ;D.i told him it was ok.....................h brought back my rings the very next day and said i wasn’t to go out without them ;) ;) ;) ;) i told him when he decides to treat me like his wife and stop committing adultery then i would until then i was free to do as i please.........these mlcers are cuckoo lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I wear my engagement ring, wedding ring, and ten year anniversary ring - all on my left ring finger. My rings symbolize the covenant vow I made before God and though my H has chosen to leave, God still honors those vows. I have no intention of taking my rings off. To me, wearing my rings also helps in my stand as they show that I am not available.
My H's wedding band sits in my Bible - in the book of Mark - right on top of the scripture that says "A man shall not divorce his wife." H did wear his ring for two months after moving out, but then after deciding he wanted a D, he took it off.
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I wear a new wedding band ring I bought myself and the mothers day ring my H bought me. Both have significant meaning. My original wedding ring was of our youth and lost a stone a few months before BD and was never replaced. I was devastated when I lost a stone but now I realize I lost more than I could've imagined. Maybe it wasn't a coincidence a stone fell off after all the years together and just prior to BD. :o :o
The stone will be replaced if there is a reconciliation / rebuilding of our marriage. But the ring will no longer be the same as it will need to reflect a mature/healthy marriage. I've never been one to wear much jewelry but each piece is symbolic and this will be no different. I have started to accept my old marriage is dead and continue to grieve but I do not want to go back to where it was. As I grow through this experience I realize I want a healthy relationship built on mutual respect, honesty, compassion and love. This is not the marriage I have today but someday I hope and pray it will be that and much much more.
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h brought back my rings the very next day and said i wasn’t to go out without them ;) ;) ;) ;) i told him when he decides to treat me like his wife and stop committing adultery then i would until then i was free to do as i please...
Wow. Good story. And love the fact that you didn't just put them back on.
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I still wear mine, even though the divorce has been filed and H tells people we are divorced. I will probably continue to wear it after the divorce is final. Why is more complicated, but bassically, I'm not available or ready for a new R.
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Do you think that the wearing or not wearing of your wedding ring, has any influence or effect on your MLCer's behaviour during the crisis?
Depending on my mood in relation to my Hs behaviour I alternate between wearing and not wearing my wedding ring. It has got me thinking could this have any influence or effect on how he views me during the crisis and whether this adds to his confusion as to 'where I stand'.
If you are in contact with your MLCer could the wearing of a wedding ring make them feel pressurised or reassured that we still want to be married to them. On the otherhand, if we choose not to wear it could they see this as indifference or that they feel we have given up on them, or relief that they believe we have accepted that the marriage is over.
Then again there is also the possiblity that they wouldn't even notice either way.
Thoughts anyone?
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Great topic Glimmer,
I feel the exact same way you do. I have been taking mine off and on. The first time I took it off was when he was coming by to do some stuff. He did not say anything. And I am wondering the same thing in regards to what they think. I have had it off for a few weeks now, the longest I have had it off. And I hate not wearing it. On the other hand I use to look at it and think how wonderful our love was.. Now I look at it and I get mad thinking it was all a lie.
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I can sense DGU headed here with an article reference or quote in 10.....9....8...7...
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Hi all
I wonder the same thing. I took my ring off at BD but H made such a fuss about me not wearing it, that I put it back on.
I did take it off again about five months ago and H looked and looked for ages at my hand without my ring. He didn't comment though.
I thought it might relieve the pressure?? It felt so weird for a long time, but I'm getting used to it now.
I do still put it back on at times, but not when H is around.
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I wore my ring until May this year...when I met my H again at the end of April I commented that he was wearing his ring..he said I don't wear it all the time and then proceeded to show me a small pocket in his wallet where he kept it. Don't know what that meant anyway :-\ ...but after we parted again in May, and H told me he'd ended our marriage :( - I decided that I wouldn't and couldn't wear my ring any more as it is too painful to look at it basically.... especially with him living with another woman as though they are married..... so until his ring I put on his finger in church means something again... mine is in cold storage...
Foxy xx
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I wear my ring, my H does not. I took it off a couple of times a few months ago but was not comfortable without it. I decided I'm wearing for me, because I believe in my marriage and I choose not to send any signal to any man out there that I'm available. I wear it for me, I don't care whether it effects him or not. He hasn't said anything and at this point I don't think he cares. I may choose in the future to take it off but for now it is staying put. You have to do what feels right for each one of us. There is no right or wrong. But you should do it for you not to effect your MLCer.
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I'm with Wondering. I wear my wedding ring, engagement ring, and anniversary ring all on the same finger. Wearing my rings signifies to others that I am married and honors the covenant vow that I made before God. Regardless of what my H does, in God's eyes and my eyes, I am married.
H took off his ring the day he told me he wanted a D, which was a few months after moving out. I have his ring sitting in my Bible.
H certainly sees that I still wear my rings, but he has never commented about it. He does know that I am standing.
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I wear my wedding ring to show I am still married. Not that I'm getting any offers, but if I were in a situation where I could I don't want any offers. I put my engagement ring in the safe deposit box at the bank. That one is unnecessary now. I still wear my claddaugh ring on my right hand, but alternate if it is turned in or out based on my mood.
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Hmmm, I don't wear mine at all. I took it off a month after BD when H left and have not worn it since. It is a symbol of his commitment to me and if he ever decides to renew that commitment then I will wear it again, but not until what I believe it symbolises is truly there. As for H, I honestly believe that if I was still wearing it he would tell me to take it off because as far as he is concerned I am in denial. I think it is important that he and OW believe that I have accepted that it is over (which to a large degree I have: if we were to get back together it would be a new relationship, not the continuation of the old one). That will enable her to let her guard down and him to move forward thinking that he has got "what he wanted" which was "out".
Just my perspective on my own sitch, nothing wrong if yours plays out differently...
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I took my engagement ring off when I got the speeches. I put it on again when I thought we were both working at our marriage. Had no idea about MLC then. When H left in April I was going to keep my wedding ring on until I wasn't married any more. But once I found out about OW I cut it off a few days later (too tight to slip off) and replaced it with a pearl ring I bought many years ago. I still wear it on that finger.
My H said nothing. He gave me back his ring but I said I didin't want it back. To me I still meant what that ring signified. He may have sold it by now. I don't know. I did return the engagement ring to him. it's in one of the boxes of all his stuff.
H never said anything about my rings but he was SO UPSET that I stopped using the handbag (purse for those of you in USA and Canada) he bought me on our weekend away and gave me for my birthday which was a week before he told me he was leaving. :o :o I just couldn't use it as he knew darn well he was going to leave me when he bought it and gave it too me. He sent me a long text about how hurt he was and how he would always treasure that weekend away ??? ???I have since bought myself a new one and I think H has noticed. I still don't know why he was so hurt I didn;t use the bag when he had already made his mind up and had OW.
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I still wear mine because I feel I am still married regardless of what my W is doing. I considered replacing it with a tiger's eye ring she bought me several years ago if the D ends up going through but I haven't decided.
And if I do decide to no longer stand I may still wear it anyway. Ironically, men can pick up more women with a ring on than without one (don't hate!!).
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S&D, you have perfectly summaried what I was trying to say :) My wedding ring is too important to me, to continue wearing it (if that makes sense) until I have a marriage to celebrate back again. The vows that went along with that ring have been well and truly broken, so maybe a new ring in the future for a new relationship. Who knows...I wear my Mother's eternity ring on my wedding finger now, felt funny with nothing on that finger.. Considering that both OW and my H were wearing their wedding rings when they got together - it didn't stop them from commiting adultery...for me it's not what you wear on your finger that matters, it is the honesty, love and trust that it symbolises. For now all that has gone.
Just my opinion and I respect all other points of view expressed... :)
Foxy xxx
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Thundarr
Ironically, men can pick up more women with a ring on than without one (don't hate!!).
Sadly, that I believe. Don't know what it says about either gender really except that we seem to be a f****d up lot, us human beings. I think it is because they seem to be people who would honour a commitment. Except that by picking up other women they aren't. :o :o :o
I wouldn't advise using your ring as a pick up tool though Thundarr (if it comes to that, which I hope for you it does not!) - you know what kind of woman a ring attracts? An affair down woman. If you take it off, you might have a chance with a quality woman like myself ;D. I am very modest too.
MLC. Sigh...
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I hadn't even considered taking my rings off (engagement, wedding, eternity) and now this discussion thread has me wondering!!!
When H came back in May I noticed he had his ring on but when I commented on that he admitted he had worn it on his other hand while away. I have no doubt it got switched back before he got off the plane and met OW in June and since.
Will be twirling these rings around my finger for the afternoon now!
Good topic, interesting comments.
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Funny isn't it....a man with a ring on always was and always will be a complete "no go" area for me.... any woman who believes the "my wife doesn't understand me" or any ludicrous statement, deserves everything she gets.... in my case a man in MLC and they are both on a path to misery and destruction..... :(
Foxy xxx
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Thundarr
"I can sense DGU headed here with an article reference or quote in 10.....9....8...7..."
Sorry to disappoint.....no article reference or quote here. I think there is another thread about this topic, though. Maybe Old Pilot will find it and merge them.
I will share a ring story. My friend's ex-wife, who married and then divorced the other man, and has been in MLC about three years, told my friend a couple of months ago that she still has her ring from when they were married.....and that it is one of her most important possessions.
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I think there is another thread about this topic, though. Maybe Old Pilot will find it and merge them.
Funny I thought the same thing, I have been looking this morning but so far I have not found it.
I will keep looking.
FTR I wear my rings cause I am married and the judge will need to tell me to remove it.
I think my wife wears hers too, although I haven't really looked in a while.
I do not think it makes one bit of difference other than what YOU think.
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Great discussion! I kept on my rings until my mother passed away and was buried. I removed them when I returned to arrange the packing and shipping. Husband noticed immediately, told me he thought I would NEVER take off OUR rings (as he called them). He wore his most of the time he said... sometimes, when OW said something he took it off, but pretty much wore them
Certainly, never felt it was advertising availability. Like S&D, I felt they represented something wonderful, commitment for life. When I finally accepted that this was indeed happening to US... I took them off, as they seemed like a farce. They had been on for so long and NEVER, I repeat NEVER been taken off, it was pretty obvious they had been there, as the lines were embedded into my finger. I wore my family ring that the children had given me a few years before which helped.
I never got used to it. I always kept my fingers covered with my other hand, as I felt naked. You know, I don't think those lines faked one bit the whole 5 or 6 mos. that I didn't wear them... hehehe
hugs Stayed...
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I think there is another thread about this topic, though. Maybe Old Pilot will find it and merge them.
Funny I thought the same thing, I have been looking this morning but so far I have not found it.
I will keep looking.
Found it, threads merged together
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Oh yeah, I forgot to add that...
Just about a year and half before BD, Our 20th Anniversary we got my Wedding Diamonds set into a new setting. Um...He claims he has not been happy for the past couple of years. Why on earth would he do that for me??? So it makes it even harder to look at knowing that we got it when he was not happy.
modified to add:
I wear my Anniversary ring on my right hand because it is a symbol of when times were great. I got the ring for our 10 year Anniversary. So it reminds me of how wonderful our marriage was at that time.
Oh my gosh... Our song just came on the radio, as I am writing this. That's just crazy!
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Just about a year and half before BD, Our 20th Anniversary we got my Wedding Diamonds set into a new setting. Um...He claims he has not been happy for the past couple of years. Why on earth would he do that for me??? So it makes it even harder to look at knowing that we got it when he was not happy.
Another way to look at it is, he wasn't telling the truth when he said he's been unhappy for years.
Gee whiz, why do people take anything MLCers say at face value?
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I keep my ring on. I tried taking it off a while back, but it felt weird. Also, whenever someone asks me out despite the ring I know they are a jack-hole looser and that I should stay away from them. I have a long way to go before I am healed, so the folks I attract are pretty broken.
I also keep it on because I refuse to play along with my H's lie that we are already divorced. I like to think it holds up a mirror to H & OW too, but that is probably just wishfull thinking. More likely they see it as evidence that I am persuing.
Eh. I think if I were still strategizing on getting him to come back I would take it off. It seems to bother him. I do want him to come back, but only if he is able to face the reality of what has happened and deal with everything honestly.
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My H gave me his ring, I now wear it along with mine. I have tried not wearing them, but I eventually put them back on. I too have wondered if wearing them put more pressure on him, but since I rarely see him, I doubt it.
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For our 13th anniversary we had matching rings tattoo'd onto our fingers. Before the divorce he told me he had always hated his and that it looked funny and he wanted to remove it - at the time I told him I would be deeply hurt if he did, but I now think the ring, like the marriage certificate and divorce decree are all just symbols - what is in your heart is what really counts. If I ever reach a place when I believe in my heart that the marriage is over, I will have the tattoo removed, if does it sooner, that is his choice to make. I know I will be hurt, but that's life.
Hugs
Tiff
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Wearing my wedding ring clearly irritated my H. I stopped wearing them about a year ago. I have them in a safe place and every once in a while, I slip my band on.
Oddly, even after a year, the imprint is still on my finger.....not just a tan-line, but a clear impression.
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Marked for life? ;)
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I'm new to the ring thing..he just put his back on last week..trouble is I have no idea why :o
I know it means something to him or he now knows it means something to me as when he asked to do it I told him it would make me very happy if he did. So I'm going to assume if he takes it back off again
that he will have given up on our relationship but I have no idea what any of it means in regards to him.
Apparently it does mean something to him- he has worn his ever since we got married even while working construction and other jobs where it may prove to be a saftey risk.
I took mine off a few years ago as I was too fat to get it on my finger. It's a very wide band and I didn't want to pay to have it made bigger ( and of course I thought I would drop the weight) BUT I always wore my diamond.
Well with the LBS diet I can get mine on now so I put mine back on too.
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I'm fairly new to the MLC world (BD was just 7 months ago) but I wear my rings because they encourage me and they remind me that I am married even though H and I live apart, he with OW.
My H never wore a ring, we didn't even have one for him at our wedding ceremony. He had seen first-hand a bad accident with his BIL involving his BIL's ring getting stuck on a boat cleat. This was before were ever met.
H swore he'd never wear a ring and it was no big deal to me. I've since thought, however, maybe it would have been a good thing if he'd worn one. Maybe the OW would have not been so friendly when she first met him. . .that's silly, I suppose. H wearing a ring or not would have made no diff in his MLC and his decision to have an A, I'm sure.
I'll wear mine, maybe forever. When people who know my sitch (only a few so far) have questioned me as to why I'm wearing them I simply say, "I'm married."
TMHP
M 58
H 60
D 22
M 38 yrs.
BD Jan. '11
H living with OW
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I was just wondering what people do when they are legally separated but not D and H is not living at home anymore. Or any other combinations of living arrangements.
My H is wearing his wedding ring on his right hand now instead of the left and I have followed suit. I know he is adamant at the moment that he can't be my husband . Does seeing us wear our wedding rings annoy them and scare them? or does it give them peace?
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I'm not legally separated, and H is at home (in his own room), but is also adamant that he can't be married. He took his wedding ring off about two years ago, and says he's lost it.
I've kept mine on, and it doesn't seem to make any difference to him.
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I took mine off. We aren't legally separated, but he's been out 8mos. It was just a painful reminder to me of things gone bad. There was no more we, just me.
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Mine's on. Keeps him confused and proud of me. :) Knows I have a lot of patience and forgiveness. He did construction for a while stopped wearing his years ago. Didn't phase me. Still doesn't. I just don't want him wearing Bowser. >:(
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Merged this thread in with a previous discussion of this topic.
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Not wearing my old wedding band as that marriage is over. I now wear my clauddaugh, the Irish wedding band. It represents love, loyalty and friendship, which I think is a more appropriate band to wear during this time, and strangely enough, H gave it to me out of the blue a few years back.
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When we got married my H took his ring off after 2 years of marriage because it got in the way of his work and it has been kept safe in our jewelery box. After BD I took mine off too, mostly out of anger and placed it where he could see it. He mentioned to his sister that I took it off and he was shocked about it. I have left it where I took it off and it is there gathering dust as we speak, I will leave it there on the shelf just how he has left our marriage.......on the shelf. Who knows how long it will be there!
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I took mine off when I realised he was living with OW, such disrespect didn't deserve me wearing a ring which literally symbolised nothing any more.... When he had his "return" at Easter I did put my ring back on to meet him as I was every hopeful that he was back to stay and for the right reasons...
When we met up I saw he had his ring on too, when I said to him "I see you are wearing your wedding ring" his reply was "Yes, but I don't wear it all the time".... he showed me where he carried it...in his wallet..... :-\ but that was one of many comments I chose to ignore !!!! stupid really as if he'd wanted me back the comment would have been very different... I have no idea what he is doing or where his ring is now....mine is in a drawer in London.....far away from me.....
Foxy xxx
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My h never really wore a wedding ring because it was a hazard where he worked. On our 25th anniversary, he went with me to get a white and yellow gold band with a tiny diamond chip. I still wear it, it has our names engraved with our wedding day and year with 2009, which was the date of our Silver Wedding.
IDK if he cares if I wear it or not, he never asked me to take it off. I also wear another ring that he gave me about 16 years ago and it means a lot to me.
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My H took his off in late 2009 ... he was having PA but I didn't know at the time. Then when I found out in Jan 2010 and he said he'd stop the affair, he put the ring back on. In Nov 2010 he took it off again, said he didn't want to wear jewellery, he put it on his key ring!. Then when I found out the PA had continued and told him to leave in February 2011, I put my ring with his on the key ring and took his house key off. I don't know where the rings are now, I presume he has them both somewhere, and if we ever get back together, I would prefer to wear a different one, the old one belonged to his Grandmother, I'll suggest he gives it to one of our daughters.
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For the record,
Mine is still on... thought it would be rather melodramatic to give it back. W was taking hers on and off Post BD now she has not had it on for months. Mostly just a curiosity...
Z
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After losing 65 lbs on the LBS diet, mine slipped off my finger and went to a watery grave in the swimming pond at our favorite campground - cest la vie.
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There was another wedding ring poll in an older thread. If it got closed, maybe we can link that thread to this one?
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I just merged the two threads. Thanks Still!
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Good job WP and SS
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I have now lost over 40 lbs. on the LBS diet and so both the engagement ring & wedding ring are quite loose. Despite what has occurred, I would be terribly upset were I to lose them. My husband has not worn his for maybe six months now. I can remember back in August when he told me the reason he took it off was because he no longer felt married (whatever THAT means) and what I wanted to respond with was, "That's precisely why a ring is good to have, so when you aren't 'feeling married' you can look at your hand, see that ring, remember the fact you ARE married, and then behave accordingly." Truth is, if you're not "feeling married" you could have a ring on every finger and every toe, and it is not going to make you act married if you have decided that you don't want to be married.
Anyway, before I go off on a tangent I will say that I still wear my rings and I don't have plans to remove them. Even if I did wonder of wonders I would still KNOW I AM MARRIED.
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There was another wedding ring poll in an older thread. If it got closed, maybe we can link that thread to this one?
Ooops... sorry :/
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I had a gorgeous 5 1/2 ct diamond ring that I had to sell when my H cut me off financially for 3 months. :'( :'( :'(
It was devastating to me and our son but I had no choice being he took all our money.
NB
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No worries Z. We've been trying to clean the board up a bit recently and merge and/or link some of the repeat threads. Hopefully it will get a bit easier to find things! :)
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I took mine off day after BD #2, it is hidden away. H, is home now I considered putting it back on ... not sure yet. My h, keeps his on his key ring now. Real smart. Like you can't lose that?????
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My wife left in April 2010, by June she had stopped wearing her band. I took mine off in August 2010 and asked for hers back; she refused. I said that it was my symbol of love for the woman I married, that I would like it back and she could have mine back; she agreed. So we each have our rings back.
If she wants to come back, and asks me for her ring, it could be embarrassing, I flattened it with a hammer. If we ever did start again, everything would need to be new…..
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I keep mine on and intend to keep it like that. H. never really wore a ring, or any kind of jewellery.
My wedding ring is not the original, that one broke early on in our marriage and I have had others over these years, one of which I bought myself. The one I am using was one we bought for our Silver wedding, it is half white gold and half yellow with a diamond chip in it.
I have another ring I use, that he gave me about 15 years ago, which means a lot to me, I never take it off, it has about 20 tiny chips and a center diamond in it - this one is really meaningful to me and it was given with a lot of feeling too :)
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Never had one, so did not had to take if off.
Like Mitzpah I have a ring my husband gave me, years ago, that I still use. Not everyday, I did not used to wear it everyday. But when I want, I use it. Quite like it.
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My h took his off before BD.he was always taking it off to workout and I guess just decided to leave it off. I still wear mine. We are still married plus my seven year old son would definitely notice if it was gone.
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I used to wear mine..and then to wind h up i wouldn't wear it.........my h is multiple returner and i told him when he starts acting and treating me life his wife and gets rid of o/w then i will wear it again and not until.........him coming and going even made my wedding ring DIZZY lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I took mine off two weeks ago (bd 1 was feb ) They are safe. If I feel like it I will put them on, it sort of helps with detachment for me. Wearing my rings is concious. I wear one ring around people who dont yet know we are separated. I took them off because a friend suggested that h was allowing me to be a single woman again and it's not about finding someone else or dating it's a detach/grow thing. A reminder of the young independant woman I was when I married 20 years ago!
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Need advice.
I've lost a few more pounds, which brings me to a total of 45 lbs. lost since BD. It has really gotten hard to keep my engagement ring and wedding band on my finger. One time the ring simply fell off my finger straight down to the floor, another time when I'd started moving my hand around it got flung from my finger almost across the room. I actually had to have a jeweler make these rings bigger years ago so they are not the same size they were on my wedding day. I can't keep losing weight and expect I will not lose them. Do I get them re-sized? Do I put them away? Do I mention it to my H?
I'm leaning towards simply putting them away; do you think that would be a bad idea?
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Wed,
I would just take them off. IF your h, asks just tell him the truth. That they are too big and you were afraid of losing them. Short and simple.
Plus he doesn't wear his so who gives a hoot ya know!!?? & maybe it will make him take notice. Who knows. I just say keep them safe. Take them off.
Just my .02
((HUGS))) SG
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My H takes his rings off right after work every day. I guess he's done this for a long time. It bothers me now, but should it? He is wearing it out in public. Says that he doesn't need to wear it at home because he knows we are married and committed.
Seems to me he forgot that for awhile.....
I wear mine. Except for the two weeks he left and I took them off, I still do.
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I wore ring for a good while even after H. moved out (he took his off right away), but one night as I tortured myself with our wedding video (not recommended :'() I listened to the part where we exchanged rings. As H put the ring on my finger, he pledged his love, honor, and fidelity... Well that had been broken and the ring lost its meaning for me. My ring to him still holds the vow and promise, but not his to me, so it felt empty and like a lie upon my finger. It is tucked safely away with other memories to be brought out perhaps when the pain is not as raw. I'm not sure I could wear that same ring again and feel the way I once did about it. Perhaps new rings for a new marriage if ever we were to reconcile.
Phoenix
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I'm going to sell mine and use the money on a vacation with my children.
I don't believe it was given to me as a gift from his heart, anyway. I believe he was very ambivalent about the whole thing, though I was carrying the baby he so badly wanted to have at the time.
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At this time I am not wearing it. After BD I wore it for about 7 months until I got fed up one night in a tiff and took it off. I felt guilty for a small bit had been reading here also to get a feel. I think it did take some pressure off of my wife as she hadn't worn hers since BD. She did wear them for about a few days when they were they only jewelry left after a theft but has sense taken them off. They are sitting on a ring holder in the bathroom just taunting me (he he he). She knows it hurts me very bad not so see her wear them. I mean most ladies especially within the first years of marriage have dreams of flushing down the toilet on accident, dropping them down the garbage disposal and even swallowing them (so I have heard). My wife would make me drive back home to go get them when we were first married if she forgot them. Now, she can't bear putting them on. Sure did I hear per MLC script that they were too loose. BS! Go get them fitted or come with me and we will get them resized.
Really, I like the whole verbiage that I will not wear mine until she decides to put it back on my finger. I still have it and it is pretty unique for me as I am not a diamond type of guy. I usually just like a nice gold band but she insisted on this one as we were marrying.
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Around the time my W stopped wearing hers, a story came out in the local paper about a woman's wedding band that had been left in a donation bucket for a local charity. No one ever claimed it, and I was saddened to see that where it was found was right on my W's route home. I asked her if that was hers and she said that hers was in the bottom of her purse but has never produced it for me to see. D11 saw the story and thought the same thing. 21 years together reduced to pocket change, literally.
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I wore mine on and off for a few weeks after H left but it now resides in a zipped pocket in the coin section of my purse. I have been thinking about taking it out of there and putting it in a drawer with my original wedding ring that it replaced. I only started wearing my current ring last year as it was a gift for our 15th wedding anniversary. I never liked wearing rings but now I miss not wearing it. I feel like everyone sees my bare finger and knows what's going on.
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My ring "status" isn't on the Poll. I still wear my two diamond bands but on the right hand......not on the left........since I am divorced. I do not wear my engagement ring at all.
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I wear my grandmother's wedding ring on my right hand.
She was a classy woman, and this ring is a reminder to take the high road. It also is a reminder to me of what a man will do for his wife when he LOVES her--it's a beautiful ring and my grandfather adored my grandmother.
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I wore mine for several months after H moved out last year but have since taken them off and placed them in a pouch inside my Bible (in 1 Corinthians). I kept them in my pocket for several months too...slept with them on...but finally just tucked them away in the Bible. Seemed appropriate. If I wear those rings again, I want H to put them back on me to show me his recommittment to our marriage. He took his off a week after he moved into his fantasy-land apartment last March. Looking at his hands makes me so sad. For some reason, his hands look so different to me and it bothers me to look at them. It's not even the lack of the wedding band there...it is just something about them that strikes me as so odd. I've often said though that I don't even feel like H looks much like MY H. He looks like someone else put on H's skin (sorry if that sounds gory) and it doesn't quite fit right. He just looks alien to me.
Anyway...that's my situation with the rings. I MISS mine so much and feel naked without them. :'( :'( :'(
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I wore mine for a time.......I don't now...........H lost his a few yrs ago anyway last week i was thinking about his wedding ring and mentioned it in my prayers ...........the day after i was sorting out my bedroom ready for decorating and there it was in a locked box along with some of h's stuff :o :o :o :o....the thing is we had previously turned the house upside down looking for it ............God sent me a sign so ive put it away for safe keeping ;D ;D ;D xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I took mine off I think after BD #2... It felt liberating as he was not wearing his. I never faltered on my commitment but the ring was a symbol and all meaning in that ring was lost.
We have discussed the rings lately and he has agreed that we will get new ones for each other to recommit and start new.
My h, doesn't like that I don't wear mine. He is afraid of men hitting on me. I told him flat out my old set lost every bit of meaning........
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I got the "lost weight and it was falling off "script. He took it off during his whole detachment phase. ( he still lives here). I took mine off about 6 months after him and I'm not wearing it again until I'm married. It is one of the things that really bothers me.
It really irritates him that I don't wear mine and makes comment about it when I go out anywhere. I just answer with I will when you will and smile at him. He broke the vows he made with it, so it's a broken ring in my eyes.
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I still wear my wedding rings. They are a symbol of my love for my h and my commitment to my marriage. My h still wears his, at BD told that he would still wear it and has never taken it off.
C
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Bumping this up as I had a request from an LBSer if I still wear my wedding rings...I do.
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I still wear mine, but I'm getting close to taking it off.
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I took mine off when he moved out. I have never put the original wedding ring back on. I have been wearing the 10 year anniversary band on my ring finger when he asked to come home and he broke things off with MOW in Nov. 2011. To me, the marriage and the ring were broken. Won't ever put it on until it is changed in some fashion. H bought me a new anniversary band for our 18th this past Nov. 18th. I may wear that instead?
I think it's a really personal decision. But for me it's almost a physical reaction. I can't put that original ring on.
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I still wear mine as a symbol of my stand. Sometimes I wonder why. He broke his vows, but I didn't break mine and not wearing it just reminds me more of our situation.
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I removed my ring sometime after H left as he had stopped wearing his. I also feel that the circle of fidelity , love and trust that it symbolizes was broken by H.
As many have stated on various threads that marriage is dead if H returns to me I believe new rings that symbolize a new marriage would be appropriate. I will keep my original ring tucked away because I will always cherish it.
Side note of sorts. H started sporting a silver band on his ring finger about 3 months post BD. suspect OW has a matching one. >:(. Pretend MLC marriage.
P.S. I still wear some type of ring on that finger because I feel odd without one.
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Side note of sorts. H started sporting a silver band on his ring finger about 3 months post BD. suspect OW has a matching one. >:(. Pretend MLC marriage.
Mine bought OW a silver band on my dime about 5 months pre-BD, and I suspect the necklace he wouldn't take off was his equivalent. Who does that that isn't 15?!
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H sent me email not long after bd saying he had taken his ring off but he would keep it in a safe place because of everything it had brought him and that he would treasure it always or words to that effect.
I sent one back saying I had taken mine off too although it was not what I wanted but obviously he did and I wouldnt wear mine if he was most likely going to date other people which I thought was why he was taking his off, little did I know he had already met ow, later he made out he didnt know if he had still been wearing his ring when he met her.
Both my engagement and our weddings rings were made by a jeweller friend and I wouldnt give them back to be hallmarked after we had them to try for size, which made them only really valuable to us, it was just something I wanted, it made them more special to me somehow.
Anyway mine are in a drawer and I dont think I will ever want to wear them again, but then again I dont know, bit like the way I feel about h too.
I do want him to come through because living with all of the nonsense is a nightmare, but what will be left I dont think anyone really knows until it happens.
x
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I stopped wearing mine a few months after BD - I have had them professionally cleaned and they are in my jewellry box in my safe. My engagement ring will go to my daughter when she is older for either wearing or to break up and use the component parts for a new piece of jewellry. My eternity ring which is traditionally bought after the birth of your first child is to go to my son for either his wife when his first child is born or for him to sell/break up etc.
The other jewellry my exH bought I still wear every single day. They were all given to me out of love at the time and just because he doesn't like me anymore doesn't mean I shouldn't wear my jewellry with pride!
My gold wedding band....is still very important to me. I took my vows in Church. I have it safely tucked away until I decide what I want to do with it. I am sure something will tell happen to guide me!
Ultimately there is no right or wrong answers here - you have to do what feels right for you at the time.
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I posted on this thread back in March asking whether I should remove my rings, or keep them on. I ended up keeping them on until I lost even more weight and had no choice but to remove them so I wouldn't lose them. That was probably second week of October, if I'm remembering correctly. So I truly feel that I kept them on a longer time than anybody could have expected me to, especially since to get them resized costs extra money that I just don't have, thanks to Mr. Wed's abandoning every financial responsibility created during his unfortunate incarceration/marriage.
The fact is, if they still fit, I would still more than likely be wearing them. It was no emotional decision that led me to put them away, just a common sense one that I couldn't stand it if they someday fell off without me realizing it and were not found.
There are two rings my H bought me that I do still wear, and are on my right hand.
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W wears no rings anymore at all, and I have every reason to believe she "donated" her wedding band by putting it in a donation bucket between here and the town she moved to after BD. The article came out in the paper that someone had put a wedding band in there, and the location and description (along with the fact that W's has never been seen since) told me all I needed to know. So, after 18 years of marriage W's wedding band meant no more to her than pocket change. Nice.
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I had stopped wearing mine for awhile...because I didn't know what to do...but at Thanksgiving we both put them back on to make everything normal during the holidays. I asked h if he wanted me to wear mine for always and he said yes...I wanted to keep wearing it anyways but I wanted him to want me to. So I've been wearing it every since...it actually makes me feel better with it on.
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My rings are off and I am really srtuggling with that decision. I'm not sure why I took them off, I think it was because he is not wearing his. But now I am feeling that that is not a good enough reason!!! I have stood for my marriage, I continue to stand for my marriage Why don't I wear them??? Almost does not seem like an issue to be so concerned about but I am.
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Interestingly, I have already posted here saying that I kept mine on...
In June, h. told me that he didn't see why I was wearing it and that it was disrespectful to him! I was hurt and offended. I thought more about it as time went on and I have seen h. twice or maybe three times since and have always been wearing it. In September, I thought about submitting to his wishes and I bought a simple silver band that I had engraved on the inside with the words 'Soli Deo Gloria'.
On October 6th (my FIL's 30th anniversary of death), I removed my wedding band and put it away and I now wear this band on my wedding finger, along with another ring that h. gave me many years ago.
Like MF, I wear all the jewellery h. gave me over the years with no problems, it was just the wedding ring that was rankling him and I made the substitution - the kids asked and I told them it was a 'commitment' ring, they didn't ask any more, neither did I explain what the commitment meant.
I haven't seen h. since and I don't think the kids have said anything either ::)
H. never wore a wedding ring. I wonder if he will wear one now ???
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In June, h. told me that he didn't see why I was wearing it and that it was disrespectful to him
Give me a break! Only an MLC'r would come up with this kind of logic!
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Ha. Mine took his off the day of BD in August. I still wear mine - his crisis is not going to change who I am/was. I won't be ready to take it off for a while I have a feeling. :(
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I took mine off after a few weeks after my Oct 2011 BD. I put it in a little pocket in my purse and it stayed there for a few months until I put it in a drawer.
This time I took it off straight away. I had two that he had bought me as new ones, fresh start and all that, but put them both in the bags of his stuff that he came to collect. I also put in a mug that he had made for me a few weeks before. Not sure what he did with them and don't really care.
My advice is to do what feels best for you. I know that I never wanted to wear them again but also couldn't stand to throw them away so gave them to him to do whatever. They were not worth anything or I would have sold them and bought some new shoes ;)
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They were not worth anything or I would have sold them and bought some new shoes ;)
You go girl. :)
honour
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Interestingly, I have already posted here saying that I kept mine on...
In June, h. told me that he didn't see why I was wearing it and that it was disrespectful to him! I was hurt and offended. I thought more about it as time went on and I have seen h. twice or maybe three times since and have always been wearing it. In September, I thought about submitting to his wishes and I bought a simple silver band that I had engraved on the inside with the words 'Soli Deo Gloria'.
On October 6th (my FIL's 30th anniversary of death), I removed my wedding band and put it away and I now wear this band on my wedding finger, along with another ring that h. gave me many years ago.
Like MF, I wear all the jewellery h. gave me over the years with no problems, it was just the wedding ring that was rankling him and I made the substitution - the kids asked and I told them it was a 'commitment' ring, they didn't ask any more, neither did I explain what the commitment meant.
I haven't seen h. since and I don't think the kids have said anything either ::)
H. never wore a wedding ring. I wonder if he will wear one now ???
Yah, i think he also doesn't wear that ring..
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Just saw this thread. I don't know if you read my post, but my wedding ring has had a very interesting journey. H lost his several years before BD while working on the farm. He never tried to replace it and I never really thought too much of it as where I come from, it wasn't really a tradition for men to wear wedding rings anyway and I thought that H probably thought the same thing too and didn't place much importance in it. In retrospect, I'm beginning to think there may have been much more to it. But that's just conjecture on my part.
My wedding ring had a much more exciting time! When H told me about OW1, I took it off and gave it back to him, saying that he could give it back when he was ready to be married again. He framed it ??? Crazy huh? I then took it back but didn't put it on except for at my mother's funeral. It's now buried under a beautiful plant in a beautiful pot which belonged to my Mum.
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This is quite an interesting topic. I threw my rings at H at BD, but he picked them up and gave them back to me and I put them on. My engagement ring was actually loose after that and I had to send it off to be repaired. I asked him if he wore his ring when he was with OW and he said of course--like I was ridiculous to ask him that.
Since I'm away for the summer, I left him a nasty voice mail one night and said I was taking off my rings since I assumed he wasn't wearing his anymore. I felt bad about it and sent him an email the next morning saying "I'm still wearing my rings and I hope you are still wearing yours." He responded, "I only wear one ring." Meaning his wedding band. He may just be wearing it for show at work and around the kids, though. Who knows?
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For a really long time we didn't wear rings. Way back when we were young we had to pawn them. With the job I have I can't wear a diamond. I would knock it right out of the setting.
When my H went to Iraq I told him I wanted to wear wedding bands again when he got back. He bought me a wedding band when he was there and sent it home before he came back. He even had it engraved with our name and wedding date. The year was wrong and I never told him.
I used to take my ring off at night because jewelry irritates my skin. I forgot to put it on one day and left it on my night stand.
Two of my sons exgf friends had come into our home when no one was here. I had left my digital camera out on my computer desk in the kitchen. When I came home that day it was gone. I went to find my wedding band and it was gone too.
I couldn't prove they had done it and later found out they liked to go to pawn shops and sell stolen stuff. By the time I found out anything it was too late.
How ironic,hey?
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When h asked me to marry him about 22 years ago, I said yes, but instead of a traditional ceremony, we went to the river, split up in search of the perfect stone, and then exchanged them, along with our vows. From that moment, those vows were solid.
When h met and married OW within a few weeks, wouldn't you know, he is now wearing one heck of a wedding ring, and is proud to show it off. His first visit to us in almost a year consisted of him showing off his ring to our children and I, and talking about his new "soulmate" non-stop! He took it off many times, inviting the children to take a closer look at it!!!! >:(
When I saw him the other day, for the third time in almost a year since he left, I found it quite nauseating to see it, so looked the other way.
That was one heck of a whirlwind romance, and she "invited" him on a trip to Mexico, and they became Mr. and Mrs. :'( what a beautiful story, pass the Kleenex! ;)
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My H took his ring off about 2 years before BD, insisted he didnt like rings. I kept wearing mine for another year...but eventually put it away, can 't remember why. Anyway after BD I desperately needed money for S19 college tuition...and since the price of gold was at a peak, well...it went for college tuition, as did H's car which my son also sold. I felt it was a good and appropriate use, and I still do. The important thing is the children.
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I TOOK mine off after his last visit and more lies.
Also, he NEVER wears his. So last summer, I saw it lying around and I took it back with me to remind me of him. This was before I knew of his agenda and BD>
After BD, he told me he couldn't find his ring and I told him I had it. When he was here, I gave it back to him and he "pretended" to wear it.
Now, as I am thinking, why all of the sudden he wants his ring back? Is he so "in love" with OW that he is pretending he is married to her with OUR blessed wedding ring? I know I shouldn't be putting these thoughts in my head but just curious, Your feedback???
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I thought I posted to this question....but maybe not. :P
I wore my wedding rings for several months after BD2 but then I lost 35lbs after an extended Crohn's flare up and they became too loose.
I was keeping them in a heart shaped wooden box that H bought me in Costa Rica in 2006. One day, about 14 months ago, he came to the house while I was out for some of his stuff (this was when he was officially moving in with the OW) and the little box and rings disappeared that day. Obviously he took them for some bizarre and unexplanable reason.
I wore a small heart shaped sapphire ring on my ring-finger for a while....but came to place where I wondered why. So I took it off. I still feel naked without them and sometimes catch myself trying to fiddle with my rings, as I used to do that when I was nervous...
I had a VERY vivid dream a while ago that I was getting married, to a faceless man, ...what's with that?...and when he asked me to pick out a ring I hesitated and said "A ring is a flimsy promise...when people are done with you they just take them off." So he takes me to this woman who is a tattoo artist and he has her tattoo a band on his ring finger and says "This is how certain I am that I will never want to take my ring off" and then he asked me to get one too.......
Hmmmmmmm......
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I guess I owe an update here, since
H. never wore a wedding ring. I wonder if he will wear one now ???
Yah, i think he also doesn't wear that ring..
My h. wears a wedding ring now :o Since Christmas 2012 according to the kids.
I suppose, confirmation that they change radically...
I still wear a wedding band but not my original ring, that one is put away.
I am still married - I just don't seem to have a husband. Actually, I do - the Lord is my husband!
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My H took his off and placed on other hand about a month after BD and then asked me why I was upset about it. :-\
I still wear mine.
He mostly wears his on his right hand but he has worn it on his left hand on a number of occasions and when his mood has changed his ring has then been switched to his right hand (odd).
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When I first responded to this thread I see now I was early in the process. My h took his off when he was in replay then would put it back on when he came home. I then about 2 months ago he took it off and left it in his briefcase. He put it on for our anniversary a couple of weeks ago, but then took it off the next day when he cycled back into replay. Tired of his toying with me, I asked him to give it to me for safe keeping and that if he ever acts like my husband I'll give it back.
Was this a bad thing for me to do?
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I don't think it was a bad thing to do. It's how you felt and you need to be true to yourself.
I took mine off shortly after BD. My H never wore one. I do miss mine. I am missing it a lot lately, but I have no desire to put it back on.
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Mine bought OW a silver band on my dime about 5 months pre-BD, and I suspect the necklace he wouldn't take off was his equivalent. Who does that that isn't 15?!
Did he give her his senior letter jacket to wear as well? ;D
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Two years ago my H broke his ring finger and would not get it fixed correctly. So he could not wear his ring. Came in handy the next year when he started his affair. I asked several times (knew nothing about an affair) if we should get it resized...after the third try I gave up. Now I know why. I put his in my jewelry box. I wear my ring proudly and in front of him when I see him.
I did ask a month or two after BD if we should sell them (to get extra money)..he freaked and said no, we do not sell the rings.
Goes along with him not wanting a divorce.... something to give me hope for later....
SSG
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I had now idea where my wedding ring was, I took it off after W first went off with OM#1, I put in its box and then in my bedside cabinet for safe keeping. W went snooping managed to retrieved it. When we decided to work on the M W handed it back to me minus the box and I put it back on.
When went back to OM#1 I took it off again and I thought I had put it in a safe place for later. Recently when I went looking for it I couldn’t find it, it was only when I was reading through my old post on the DB site that I realised that I had handed the ring back to W.
I wished I had kept the ring, my fingers are big and the ring size was Z+1, there’s a lot of gold there and W had probably melted it down as that’s what she used to do with old jewellery.
I can’t be bothered asking her about it now, that chapters done.
Lanzo
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We are supposed to meet up on Sunday-- will have been 1 week since he left.
I'm Standing- should I wear the ring? He stopped wearing his a year ago.
What do you all do?
Edit - Merged with previous thread - OldPilot
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I've taken mine off. I need to detach. Don't need constant reminders of a marriage that no longer exists in her eyes.
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yes- there's my dilemma. I'm trying to Pave the Way, but I also need to detach.
Maybe I'll just wear it when he's around...
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After a year of not wearing mine, and feeling very 'naked', I recently bought a small cheap gold ring with three teeny tiny ( use a microscope to see them) diamonds. For me, it represents the next three years that we are tied together with our business. For the next three years I will stand and then re-evaluate the situation.
I wore the ring for the first time the other day. I'm sure that H noticed but he hasn't said anything, then again, he probably wouldn't know if it was my wedding ring or not, he never took any notice beforehand!
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I am still not wearing mine.
The mark they left on my finger is permanent, however.
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might of commented before, unsure :) I wore mine always....then decided to take it off after H said "it's just a piece of metal" I realized it was keeping me from "letting go of the rope" so I removed it in February this year and have decided that, for myself, I will never wear it again. We are reconnecting/reconciling after 7 years in crisis, 3+ since BD. If H asks about putting our rings on again, I will decline. I want and need a NEW commitment, as that old one (as precious as it was) is gone! a new ring?? maybe but maybe not, just a true commitment might be all I need.
31andcounting
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I had now idea where my wedding ring was, I took it off after W first went off with OM#1, I put in its box and then in my bedside cabinet for safe keeping. W went snooping managed to retrieved it. When we decided to work on the M W handed it back to me minus the box and I put it back on.
When went back to OM#1 I took it off again and I thought I had put it in a safe place for later. Recently when I went looking for it I couldn’t find it, it was only when I was reading through my old post on the DB site that I realised that I had handed the ring back to W.
I wished I had kept the ring, my fingers are big and the ring size was Z+1, there’s a lot of gold there and W had probably melted it down as that’s what she used to do with old jewellery.
I can’t be bothered asking her about it now, that chapters done.
Lanzo
I don't know what I was thinking but I looked in STBXW jewellery box tonight and there it was the wedding ring (not melted down at all).
Well I'll keep it for now but I think I'll give it to D12 sometime in the future. It sure as hell isn't going back on my finger.
Lanzo
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H took his off when he started the "crazy" workouts at the gym. Saying it was hurting his finger - never seemed to be a problem before that for 24 years. This was at least six months before BD. I am now pretty sure he was having an EA with a woman at work. The gym is at work too.
I took mine off because I didn't feel married anymore, not in the same way. If he wants me back at some time, he is going to have to start all over again and date me, get engaged and married.
The man I married 24 years ago left me emotionally and the one who might come back is a different man. Different man, different ring.
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I took mine off for two days, it felt wrong. It use to represent the commitment and love between H and I. He threw that away. He doesn't wear his, at first it bothered me, but truthfully he could have been taking it off. Who knows? That marriage is over. I'm with you Summer90. There can only be a new relationship, starting at ground zero. As for my ring I wear it for me. I took a vow and I will honor it.
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Mine's on and off like the proverbial wh*re's drawers.
I took it off for a time several weeks ago and started getting unwanted attention from other men so began wearing it intermittently.
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I took mine off after he left in November. I just felt like it was a symbol of something that was dead so I took it off. Lately I catch myself feeling for it but I'm sure it's just a reflex.
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We were never religious about wearing ours, so when he left his at home about a week before BD I didn't think anything of it, but put it in his drawer. Only after BD did I realise that it was still in the same place... So I chucked mine in the same drawer where they sit together in the darkness for the time being.
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I took my wedding ring off at BD 2 at beginning of Feb 13. I told H that the marriage it represented was dead and always would be for me so it was irrelevant. He always wore his wedding band (in my company) throughout his crisis.
When we 'reconnected' in October 13 I still refused to wear my original wedding band and this upset him no-end. He bought me a new platinum and gold ring from Tiffany at the end of November and I wear this with pride because I chose it and love it! (at the moment!). He wears my original on his little finger as he says it still means so much to him that it was blessed at our wedding (screams of MLC), so whatever floats his boat is ok for me right now. He seems to accept and understand that the ring he wears of mine is just a lump of gold in my eyes, but to him it is much more than that - again, making me see that he is still in the midst of his crisis!
Hopefully I will be able to post in the future that the original ring is either melted down or in a drawer which will signify that his crisis is over and done with as it will NEVER be put back on the third finger of my left hand - I haven't verbalised this to him yet but watch this space haha!
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Not long after BD I got a swollen knuckle and physically couldn't get mine off!! When I did, I started to wear them on the other hand.
He asked about it and said it was my body saying it was allergic to him!
I wear them fine now and he was wearing his on his last visit a month ago. Never thought about it before but will check he still is on Saturday. Would love to know if he wears it with OW but can't ask as he will go into monster, not admit to having OW and start saying I'm messing with his mind
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This forum gave me the idea of asking about his ring when he visited last week. He does wear it when away. I asked why and he said because he's married but it hurts him to wear it. He sounded really in pain about it. This piece of metal hurts me or something like that.
So strange
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We both still wear ours....have never taken them off except when doing housework, cleaning etc. I would never permanently remove mine while I am still standing. I think I would always wear it regardless, if even on the right hand or on a chain. The ring means more to me than just a marriage; it symbolizes our union & the family we have built together which will always be a part of me.
We had bought new bands for our 21st wedding anniversary; about 3 months prior to BD. When this all happened I asked her what she was thinking when we bought them. She said she felt like such a fraud at the time. I asked then why does she still wear it; said she didn't know.
We had a small blow-out last week I mentioned in my thread; I lost my cool for a couple minutes and told her she may as well take them off since they seem to mean nothing to her. She burst into tears and held it onto her finger with her right hand; like she thought I was going to take it from her. I don't like reading into things, but tells me it does mean something to her!
She had them off all day yesterday since we were doing some project stuff; had them right back on this morning. Ironically, they the only rings she wears now. She use to wear rings on both hands; now the ONLY rings she wears since the crisis started is the wedding band(s). Interesting!
OneBYOne
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New topic
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5076.0