Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: SpecialK on November 08, 2010, 04:40:44 AM
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Has anyone on here walked away from their Partner?
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Sorry Special K, could you tell me what you mean by walk away? I am a literal person at times. Does this mean leave for a period of time?
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Sorry, I meant walk away for good after the bomb was dropped and started a new life for themselves
SKx
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I've felt like it a few times, but something keeps stopping me from letting go altogether and totally walking away. At first I thought it was fear holding me here, but I don't think it's that now. Guess I still love the man, even though he's a prize prat :o :o :o
I just think we will know if the time comes to move on. Something would change.
xx
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I feel like I'm at this cross road right now. But, it's easy to believe this when in NC. We'll see after a few weeks have gone by. My H will be back in town this Thursday. I have been really letting go and accepting and since I have moved from crying every day to can't cry anymore. Strange...
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I'm stuggling right now with this same issue. Since H told me he wants a divorce I am really struggling. I've spent a lot of time on this site this last weekend reading and trying really hard to search my heart. I just don't know if I am tough enough to do it. I did appreciate someone saying they are standing to work on themselves. I think having this attitude would help me.
Standing has to be a focus on me...rushing into another relationship will cloud my journey and what I'm trying to learn...but it is
so hard to live day in and day out with absolutely nothing ...no affection...no partner ...nothing.
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In the beginning, I was thinking about running away. I was going to take the girls and move to my parent's house. But, I realized that I needed to stay in my home and face the issues rather than taking off.
I have also dreamt of dramatically leaving letting her know that when she was ready, she could get her family back. It would have all been drama and it would have gone nowhere.
Now, I have seen some movement forward and I just mirror her actions. But of course, hope is good, no expectations.
(((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))
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so hard to live day in and day out with absolutely nothing ...no affection...no partner ...nothing.
Whatever, this is indeed a very deep and difficult thing to do. Prior to this, I had never lived on my own and boy, this is really, really living alone because I have no family here and when I was sent home to Colorado, I had only been here a short time and truly did not have many friends. I still don't even have any pets which I always did before.
Slowly, ever so slowly I am getting in touch with the need to know myself...and that I can only do this on my own journey. I don't want to do this but...God or the universe or karma or whatever is insisting in a very strong way.
What have I found?????? Amazing friendships and caring people, faith and an attempt to be still..we are all suffering from that lack of affection and partnership. So hard to see couples when I go out.
It's really your own decision if you wish to find someone else in your life or not. You'll find that out as well and the answer may surprise you..it did me as I seem to be forever attached to this notion that I will always be married to my Beloved..whether or not we are together, he's still my husband and I his wife. Somedays I wish I were not so stubborn but that seems the right choice for me.
It gets easier being alone and I think about the women I know and admire who are walking their path by themselves....but each of us will know what is the right direction for us. Take care, hope a friend shows up today for you via a phone call, an email, a card..or of course here!
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Hi Special K:
Boy, can I relate to this question today. Over the weekend due to more drama from my H and his turning back on his statements about reconciliation, I was ready to say, enough, I can't do anymore. Something stopped me. I really do love my H, and for now I want to keep standing. My H is in a very bad place, and while he won't acknowledge his depression, I don't want to leave him when he is in such a bad place. It is extremely hard to have no love, affection, support or connection. But, I will keep keeping on. I know there may come a day when I know I can't continue (if nothing changes), but that day has not yet come for me. Blessings and love to you. You must do what works for you regardless of other's opinions or experiences. Trust yourself.
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.but it is so hard to live day in and day out with absolutely nothing ...no affection...no partner ...nothing.
Whatever.
Don't look at life that way, it's no way to live. Be grateful for the people that *are* around you. There are people that appreciate and love you for you. Most importantly, *you* have to love you for you.
All of us need to be able to stand on our own as individuals before entering into any relationship. I've never liked it when people say "you complete me". We each are individuals, and as such we each should be whole in ourselves before entering into any relationship. We need to be able to support ourselves financially and emotionally and not depend on someone else to do it for us. We should look for partners that enhance us, not complete us.
I think that's what got a lot of our spouse's into this whole mess. A lot of them became too intertwined and lost themselves in their relationships. You have to know and love yourself as an individual before anyone else can love you for you.
We come into this world alone. Along the way we will build and lose relationships that will help mold us into who we are. But in the end, we also leave this world alone. We truly only have ourselves.
Hang in there Whatever... we're here for you!
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Ninja;
You are right. My head knows you are right but my heart is suffering so much. I agree that it's been my "pursuing" behavior and our being too intertwined...and lost ourselves... that has hurt our marriage. I am not taking responsibility for his bad choices just trying to see what my part has been in this whole mess. As for walking away...only time will tell...
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There were a couple of times when I left for a few days -- when I first found out about OM, when I found out that she went to visit him -- but in my heart I knew I could never be the one to walk out for good.
Hell, I was miserable the few days that I did leave, and I told her so.
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I'm about 4mths since BD, and know I have a long way to go with this.
The way I look at it is, that when you decide to love someone, you take a risk and if this is the price I have to pay now for what I had all those 23yrs then it was worth it. I'm thankful for what we had but somehow it was lost. The last several years before BD were very difficult, and I expended a lot of my time and energy trying to make it work( although now I know I did all the wrong things and should have been just giving him time and space).
I'm not sure I can keep doing that, or be able to forgive and forget. It's a lot to fathom. I feel sick every time I think of what it would be like if he came back now, and I know I can't go back to that.
At times I think it would be easier to move on and eventually develop a relationship with someone new. Sometimes I think he was a good provider during the time when we were raising a family, but I think I want something different for the second half of my life. My husband was/is a workaholic and I want someone who wants to be with me and enjoy doing things together. My self-esteem has taken a beating for a long time now.
I think I can do better.
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Thanks every one for your comments. Sometimes I feel that I want to pack my bags, leave the key and run away, a bit like a child throwing a tantrum, most of the time I'm ok and don't think of it. I've come a long way in my own journey. I've just been reading notes I wrote when I reached rock bottom, and how scared I felt. I can still recall those feelings.
Now I'm in a much better place, I've really worked on myself - I'm stronger and my confidence is growing. When I reached rock bottom, I had just been given a written warning at work, I really felt a failure. I've been a new piece of work which I've 2.5 weeks to complete, if I fail this piece then it's a third and final warning. I had the chance to walk away, but I choose to fight this, and most
importantly do it for me, I have to prove to myself that I can do it!
I still have a bit of a way to go, but I'm enjoying the new, real me and I want to enjoy it without any complications.
SKxx
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Good luck on the peiece of work that you need to do..you can do it and do it well.
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SpecialK
I felt like walking away a number of times during my marriage but not after BD. Like Ready said, it would have been all about the drama for me. If I had walked years ago, I would have been trying to provoke a reaction. I did feel after BD that my marriage was over and that I could only accept his decision and live out my life in loneliness.
Thanks to this forum I now know that my marriage is not over, that takes two people to make that decision and that no matter what happens next I need not be lonely. I have my girls, my family and friends and I am actively GAL!
When I explained my 'Stand' to my therapist I told her it was not the easy option, it is very painful and she simply said such is the price of love! And it is, I wouldnt go through this out of fear or revenge or whatever other emotion only for love.
Good luck at work, I know how important that is and how easy it is to let things slide with all that is going on around you. I will be willing you on to success!
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NG wrote:
I think that's what got a lot of our spouse's into this whole mess. A lot of them became too intertwined and lost themselves in their relationships.
This i can relate to, we where so intertwine. When he left, I felt like apart of me was gone. I was forced to replace what was gone with me again.
In the beginning, if I could have run away, I would have, just moved somewhere far away, but it would not have fixed anything. We can't run from ourselves anymore then they can. But we are smart enough to know that, and fight your daemons on known territory. Also, if I had run out and found a om for myself, what would I have learned, nothing just like them.
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run away? hell yes! too many times to count :(
what stops me every time is the fact that I love my husband, our family and our lives together...every marriage has its issues, when I realized I needed to "fix" myself because I could do NOTHING for him...things got a tiny bit easier...I am still doing this today, as well as implementing the issues that I have already fixed...
hugs,
L
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Thank you both so much for your comments.
I was a Weight Watchers Leader for 21 years, and one of things I always use to say to my Members was: 'Giving up is easy'. Yes it would have been the easy option for me to walk away from my job, however I would have felt rubbish, a failure etc., and more importantly I would have never known what the outcomewould have been had I stayed, and 'what if' would be often playing in my mind.
SKx