Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: MarkedandHealed on May 19, 2010, 02:46:21 PM
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I wanted to talk about methods people use to help them cope with the craziness. Methods of helping detach, take care of yourself and your positive mental attitude (PMA), deal with depression, etc.
It could be as simple as going for a walk, taking herbs or ADs, making time for a bath or lifting weights...
I want to share a method I use called EFT, or Emotional Freedom Technique. I learned it through a website I frequent called www.mercola.com - it's an alternative medical website run by a DO Dr. Mercola.
Basically EFT is accupressure combined with emotional release. When I first read it, I thought "yeah, right." About a year later, I was dealing with my stepson who had major anger issues and we decided to give it a try. We found a local practitioner and in ONE SESSION, he was able to let go of the anger he had at his stepfather for physically and emotionally abusing him. It works, that's all I can say.
You can find a ton of how to tutorials on youtube... here's one example. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YN3FUX593sE
I have used it to help me detach from H's MLC, get over being afraid of public speaking, cravings for foods, and depression.
I admit, it's strange looking but it takes minutes to learn and work, give it a try today. What do you have to lose?
PS for those of you afraid of new age-type stuff, this woman that I selected was just first in the line... she does seem to have a new age slant of "get your money handed to you from the universe" but the message is still good and the EFT does work, I promise you. Ignore the new age stuff and just use the technique.
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Acupressure is a form of acupuncture--without the puncture--and acupuncture is medically accepted treatment; in my state it it the law that insurance covers at least 8 treatments per year. I am in acupuncture treatment for female issues and go evey other week--actually it was weekly until after today's session.
I also receive Catupuncture daily from a lovely Siamese called Chamomile, but that is something different!
For me meditation was a major part of my Self-Focus. I was out of work a bit and thus had the freedom to dedicate a lot of time--wish I had it now. I studied Reiki and Hypnotherapy and combined them with meditation. It was blissfully peaceful when I was in flow and helped bring clarity. I attended classes and group practices too.
I also focused on art projects with spiritual significance.
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For me it was -- is, actually -- Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. The idea that understanding something can help dissipate the anger and resentment seems to work for me.
I tried seeing a therapist or two for this, but didn't find one that clicked, not to mention the expense, and finally looked at all the books and settled on David Burns "Feeling Good" (I mentioned this in what I wrote about communication techniques as well....), and I actually sat down and did the exercises, in writing, the way they recommend. Many I did over and over and over again, as sit seems to be the type of thing that if you put in the work, you get the results.
It definitely isn't a quick fix, but they say it's lasting, and in my case it seems to be.
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RCR - I miss catupuncture, but my dog would eat one alive... plus we live on a busy road, and I don't want cat pizza. Oh well... anyway, while meditating, did you get any ah-ha moments? Would you share your method of meditating with us? I want to learn but there are many ways to meditate and I'm curious.
T&L - I saw your recommendation in another post and have it on my list of "to buy" books. Thanks for sharing.
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Hey all! As promised on my personal thread, I'm starting what I'm calling my accountability thread.
I'm hoping some of you join me, but if not, at least this will be a good place to get ideas.
I'm going to post my goals and my GAL activities, along with solutions I'm trying to various problems I encounter. This is my thread for helping everyone remain accountable.
Remember, goals are specific, attainable in a short amount of time, and action oriented.
My goals that I've checked off:
Began working out at the gym
Got a haircut
Tanning
New goals and the things I'm doing to get there:
Lose 40 pounds - started taking 5HTP to help with cravings and emotional eating, fasting today to begin on a clean slate
Stop eating sugary junk foods (stop carb addiction) (see above)
Make new friends (joined a bunch of meetup groups that look interesting)
Paint and play guitar again (bought canvas)
Go on a solo hike (will start to plan this week)
Begin meditating nightly (began two nights ago, but so sleepy that I fall asleep and then don't sleep well)
And my GAL activities are that I've joined some meetup groups and am considering if I want to go on any of the activity days. One adventure group has a good day coming up. It will be hard. I also joined a church and am planning on going to their monthly fellowship lunch the first Sunday of the month, hoping to meet people there.
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So, this weekend I am going hiking with DSD, maybe biking or to the ocean, and white water rafting with the adventure group I found on meetup.com IF I can get a spot still.
That's my GAL list for this long weekend.
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I have to say, it's hard sometimes. I know in my heart that my H will be back. A few months ago, I read how LBS's would just find that they were "done" and move on, and the MLCer would want to come back. And I would think, why, how, what would make them give up?
I'm just there now though. I can see why they would move on, how they would give up. Not that I am, I'm standing strong... but I totally understand.
I have felt and read this sentiment many times recently on this board and I haven't even gotten through all the threads yet. It seems to be pervasive that many are getting fed up, running out of steam.
So, I thought I'd start this as a discussion. Throw out what you're feeling about your H's (W's) - are you fed up, could you just walk away right now? What is making you stay? How are you finding strength to hold on? Or are you?
I look at him now with disgust and I feel sorry for him, but sort of like a bug that's gotten a broken wing, I could step on him or move him to the shade and give him some water. Either way would suit me just fine.
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Lately I'm feeling like I just want him to go away, live his life, find his happiness and leave me alone. I truly love life, even through all this there is so much to love and appreciate. There is still joy. However, he throws that off for me at times and I don't like how his energy affects me. Learning how to detach is an important lesson but it is very hard with required contact. I don't know if I'd be in this position without my children. Somedays I am standing for their father, somedays I'm standing for the person I knew, somedays I'm standing for the person he "could" one day be and somedays I don't feel like doing this anymore. I want to be done with it. I feel tired. Yet there is a part of me that aches for the pain he must feel to do this to himself. I guess I stand because I believe its his best chance at healing and I am discovering that in this process I am healing too. IT is not easy.
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I alternate between being fed up and feeling strong and like I can hold on for a lot longer. For now, I don't plan on giving up. I am tired of the behaviors, tired of the hurt, frustrated by the length of the process.
BUT I am fortunate enough to see a lot of my "old" H shining through these days and I have for some reason been having lots of really good memory "flashbacks" that remind me of how things were and how HE was before the MLC and that keeps me going.
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I'll sum it up for me.... Rome wasn't built in a day.
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Thank you for starting this thread, M&H. I am feeling very strongly today that I just want to give up; get the divorce, buy him out of the house and be done with this nightmare. I hate the little bits of hope that are fed to me with his txts and msgs, but then to be swept away like these things were never said! I know that I need to keep zero expectations, but how can you not have a little hope when your spouse tells you things that they know you want to hear?!?! I have been told many times that I shouldn't take the crumbs that my H throws down, and, for the most part, I don't - I guess this time, I let myself get wrapped up in his drama. Lesson learned!
Honestly, the only reason that I am holding on, is the fact that he is SO CONFUSED and overwhelmed right now. I know that this isn't my H; I know that this is someone that has taken a path that is heading for disaster; but, does he know that? Will he ever know that?
Ugh! Really feeling it tonight, folks!
xoxoxo
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Great thread. I'm still thinking about why I am standing. It's always very hard. I know in the past two weeks on two occasions it occurred to me to just give up. The first time was easier to overcome as it was due to extreme sadness and grief. What I saw yesterday in my H was scary and truly made me wonder if any of the old pieces of him exist. I think I'm seeing the real monster for the first time and it was out in quiet, full force for the second time. I don't know what brought me back to standing except that I remind myself of my vow to him--for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I also had this momentary thought last night of the two of us, much older, together, holding hands, and laughing. At first it made me sad that he says that will never happen and that dream is dead. Then I realized that is CAN BE a vision of the future. That is what I will work towards--making the vision happen.
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"I look at him now with disgust and I feel sorry for him, but sort of like a bug that's gotten a broken wing, I could step on him or move him to the shade and give him some water. Either way would suit me just fine."
M&H,
i like this, it really illustrate exactly how i feel about my H!! love the bug bit too...yeah, i do see him as a bug right now!!! LOL. (sorry still haven't figured out how to quote!!)
i've been thinking about why i am standing as well....i'd like to say i'm standing bcos i love my H very much, n i promised to stay with him thru thick n thin....that's all true, but i think mostly it's because the alternative is kinda scary right now!! i remember reading on another thread that we stand because it cushions us from the pain, and i can relate to that as well...
i too, oscillate between being fed up and hanging on....
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great thread M&H!
Even with what I am dealing with at this very moment...my belief in us and our children overrides everything else.
I should be so angry and really not give a damn, but I deep down still worry about him. He is the father to my children, they need him, he, at one time was my best friend, I would like to have that again.
I dont know what is driving him to behave like this, I only wish it could end...
L
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Why do I stand?
I stand because I know that this person who comes home each night is not the same person I have known for over 20 years.
I stand because I want my children to know that love is unconditional and that sometimes marriage takes work.
I stand because I came from a broken home and know how painful that was.
I stand because God hates divorce and calls me to continuously forgive my H's remarks, attitude, and actions.
I stand because I vowed to love my husband until death.
I stand because I know that my H is in far more pain than I am and will need my support when the walls crash down on him.
I stand because I know that throwing away our family is not really what will bring my h happiness.
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still,
I know for me, I couldnt have said it any better. Your statement really sums it up.
hugs,
L
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Still, I am printing that out and putting it up on my wall!!!
Thank you for that! That is what I needed today.
xoxoxo
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"Somedays I am standing for their father, somedays I'm standing for the person I knew, somedays I'm standing for the person he "could" one day be and somedays I don't feel like doing this anymore".
This is exactly what I am feeling Buggy31.
At first I was certain that my XH would be coming back but as time passes by I wonder will he ever? My greatest wish is my family all together again, my children their father back etc. But how long wil it take? It could be years. It's now almost two years and I am divorced since February 25th. He did all that so he is certain. There was never a sign that he doubted his choices. The few times I have seen him in almost two years he always cried, that was the only sign that he was in turmoil. I read your stories and every time there is some sort of contact, in my case there is none. When he comes back he will be "broken" and I don't know if I can handle that. I like strong men, weak men annoy me. I don't know, after two years I am still very confused and my thoughts are still all over the place. Sometimes I am certain he will be back, other days....
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Still, thank you, wonderful post!
Kie, I totally agree about the weak, broken man thing. What if it was a temporarily broken man, can you put up with it then?
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Why do I stand?
I stand because I know that this person who comes home each night is not the same person I have known for over 20 years.
I stand because I want my children to know that love is unconditional and that sometimes marriage takes work.
I stand because I came from a broken home and know how painful that was.
I stand because God hates divorce and calls me to continuously forgive my H's remarks, attitude, and actions.
I stand because I vowed to love my husband until death.
I stand because I know that my H is in far more pain than I am and will need my support when the walls crash down on him.
I stand because I know that throwing away our family is not really what will bring my h happiness.
Perfectly sums it up! I also want to add that I have known since H and I started dating that he was the ONE for me!
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Well M&H, I really don't know. The last weeks of him home it looked like he would go psychotic and all I could think of were two thoughts: when he crashes dial 911 and I have to get rid of him..so, it would depend in which state he is in..but that are worries for a future far far ahead of me...
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I oscillate between different positions. H fell off the pedastal I'd put him on some time ago, and now I see him as is is. I don't mind if he's weak sometimes, we all are. Showing our fagilities is a strength; I know how truly fragile a person is underneath if they only show strengths, like H as a perfectionist, always sure, always in control, supremely intelligent/ educated.
Sometimes I feel angry. I don't deserve to be treated this way, I deserve better.
Sometimes I think "I don't need him. I'm completely independent. Why should I stand?"
Sometimes I dream of our future together. Holding hands, enjoying all the things we have in common.
Sometimes I lose hope.
I hang on for the kids, for the family, for the belief in who H is, for what I can give him, and what he can give me. I don't know if he will crash into depression and withdrawal, he seems to be getting happy without me.
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I also want to add that I have known since H and I started dating that he was the ONE for me!
Me too, CW! I had NEVER felt what I felt when I met my H. I knew that he was the one when our eyes first met. I felt something deep inside me that was incredible! That was 15 years ago this Wednesday.
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I was listening to a weight loss podcast and this woman has changed my life. However, I thought this may actually be of interest to many of you. This is about weight loss, but it's oh-so important to us here in the MLC journey as well.
http://www.learnoutloud.com/Podcast-Directory/Self-Development/Goals/Inside-Out-Weight-Loss-Podcast/30281
If you listen to episode 16 - around at 12 minutes - that's where the relevant information starts. If you listen to the whole thing, even better.
She makes an interesting point that letting go seems to be an important component to realizing your dreams and manifesting your destiny. That those who demand change seem to suffer the most. She says the difference between being attached and letting go is that one is demanding for change and the other is an invitation for change.
Interesting point - like, she mentions - did you ever know a couple who tried and tried to have a baby, and finally gave up and adopted, only to get pregnant? I have.
She gives homework at the end of each podcast, and the homework here is to visualize yourself with the thing you want just before bed, and then visualize yourself without it - AND visualize yourself being OK without that thing.
Letting go.
Let me know if anyone listens to it and if you like it.
And if anyone is looking to lose weight, it's a wonderful program. It's changed my whole world.
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I'll def look up this link when I get a chance!
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I listened to it, M&H, it makes total sense. Funny, she mentioned "the secret" in the podcast; my H was so into that for a while! Her voice is very soothing too.
Thanks for the post. I will be listening to her again and again.
xoxoxo
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What Still and Mermaid say states it exactly.
I do wonder if my inner "fixer" is working overtime, however. If it's because I just haven't let go enough. And I wonder if my "knowing" that we were meant to be is my wishful thinking.
But then I keep thinking to how I myself took a very wrong turn in life when I was university age, how I dug my self in deeper and deeper, but finally did come to my senses. And I also think that just going out and "finding someone else" would be a childish reaction, rather than an adult response.
This morning I was overcome with a sense of "this HAS happened" -- can't be changed. It's taking me longer than it "should" to accept it, but I guess that's part of the 'journey'.
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And I wonder if my "knowing" that we were meant to be is my wishful thinking.
I've thought the same thing. The thought that "we ARE meant to be together" has come to me when I've been at my lowest, like a bright light warming me from within, it feels strong, true and comforting.
Then I wonder whether I'm really in denial.
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I wonder the exact same thing. I don't think there is an answer, though. I remember reading RCR's article on denial vs acceptance, that table she wrote, and it helped here.
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I know what you mean about what if it is "wishful thinking". I just don't think that is the case. I think we have some innate knowledge of the fact that things will work out in the end for our marriages. That doesn't mean that the marriage won't be legally severed or the road won't be bumpy, but I think we are given "spiritual" insight about these things. ....or maybe that is just further wishful thinking... ???
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Maybe we should re-name "wishful thinking" to "positive energy" or something like that.
Remember the bit that HB and I talked about, about "claiming victory"? Acting like you'd already won? I think it's more that. It's BELIEVING.
And I do think that we can each strengthen each other there. This is one of those things (I often compare it to having special needs kids) that you can only understand if you've been there.
I find that looking at RCR's table on denial vs acceptance is relevant here. (under Standing Actions....)
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I too look at him with disgust now, I feel he is a coward and a runner, and I Know I do not ever want to be around monster.
I stand because of what we had, who he was, and what we built together.
I hope because I believe in the love we shared.
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TL in response to you statement about "finding someone else" being childish. I agree with that. Have you found that most people think that is just what you need to do to get over H. Just run right out and get a new one. That is one thing that really bothers me about well meaning friends.
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I also go back and forth. My head tells me to get the divorce and protect myself legally, but in my heart I am standing. To be honest my heart sometimes falter. I come here to get re-energized.
I also have had well meaning friends tell me 'we'll find you someone new' or 'we'll have a divorce party'. I have never celebrated any divorce...even when there was abuse.
This is a great thread, glad to know others feel the same way and I'm not an oddball.
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I feel I am finally letting go, and I now fully understand when people look after yourself. For months I have allowed his actions, thoughts and feelings
control my life. At a sub-conscious level I was putting my life on hold. Now my own journey is beginning - I have found a brlliant councellor, my focus is
more on me now :-) I am working on fixing me and getting to be the real me again. The old feelings are nowhere near as strong as they were. At this
moment in time I can honest say if he had a change of heart I'm not sure if I will want to go back. I never thought I hear from myself saying that, but
there is only so much hurt, tears etc., you can take (I've never had my heart broken like this before). For a very long time I blamed myself for everything
played the victim, shut myself away and it effected everything in my life. I put up with his comings and goings, made excuses for his behaviour and totally
lost myself. Now I want to move forward, I know it will be slow and I know I will have bad days, but I'm tired and want to set myself free
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I often re-read "Women in Midlife Crisis" by the Conways. Each time I read it or review it, I gain additional insight into my ex-wife.
Over the last couple of days, I read the chapters on self-esteem and depression again. It continues to give me clarity on the severity of my ex-wife's depression and MLC, which go hand in hand.
The chapter on self-esteem gave me great insight into how these childhood issues play into her MLC. It doesn't make what we are going through any easier, but it does increase my understanding. It gives me additional clarity on some of the reasons why this emotional disorder that we call MLC effects her moral compass and decision making.
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Enjoying reading that we all feel pretty much the same.....and our spouses are acting pretty much the same.
My current state of mind is that I pitty him, some anger some hurt but not like in the begining, maybe its resentment and not anger. I do not want to see him or talk to him, I think if I saw him someplace in public I could walk by, say hello and keep walking. Treat him like a casual aquaintence. He calls me his best friend, my thought is "friends like that who needs enemies"
He has made his choice clear and it felt good to tell him that as long as she is in the picture I am not.
Do I want a divorce? NO! I believe we will be together again someday. The only thing that has made me think about getting a D is that he may get in some legal trouble and that could cost me the farm. (see my last post if you wonder why that might happen)
I hope a continue to feel this way for a long time, I feel happy, positive about us and how my life is going now , I feel proud that I am taking care of myself financially, mentaly and physicaly. He may come back a different person , but he will find a new person in my place.
No longer will I mow the yard, clean the barn, maintain the farm, cook ,clean and do laundry because I want someone to love me and think that I treated them so great they will never think of leaving me. Look what happened!! ( he tells everyone i was the best wife no one will ever treat him as good as I did) Won't make that mistake again
Now I mow the grass because I like the way it looks, I enjoy working on the farm taking care of the horses, I can have a bowl of cereal for dinner if I want to, only have to do two loads of laundry a week Yipeee!!!
I still love H and don't want bad things for him. Guess what? I didn't die when he left, my life is happier than his. When he comes back he will know to treat me like a wife and with respect, because he taught me that I can make it on my own. Thanks Honey!!!!
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If anyone had told me 6 months ago my husband would abandon me and the kids physically and fall in love with a woman 22 years younger than me I would have told them "F him - you are looking at a divorced woman here!"
When it actually happened, I didn't react that way at all. I don't know ANYONE in my circle of family, friends or acquaintances who wouldn't have immediately filed for divorce. So what is different about me? Well, I know my husband's behaviors and confusion are wildly out of character for him. That's how I knew I had to find a reason, not an excuse, but a reason for all of this and I did.
Why do I hang on through all of this? Because I didn't write this novel and I want to see how the story ends....
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If anyone had told me 6 months ago my husband would abandon me and the kids physically and fall in love with a woman 22 years younger than me I would have told them "F him - you are looking at a divorced woman here!"
When it actually happened, I didn't react that way at all. I don't know ANYONE in my circle of family, friends or acquaintances who wouldn't have immediately filed for divorce. So what is different about me? Well, I know my husband's behaviors and confusion are wildly out of character for him. That's how I knew I had to find a reason, not an excuse, but a reason for all of this and I did.
Why do I hang on through all of this? Because I didn't write this novel and I want to see how the story ends....
Exactly!!!! :)
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LG,
couldn't have said it better myself!!!.... :o ;D
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I've thought the same thing. The thought that "we ARE meant to be together" has come to me when I've been at my lowest, like a bright light warming me from within, it feels strong, true and comforting.
Then I wonder whether I'm really in denial.
Mermaid, you described what I am feeling regularly. I wonder too if I am maybe delusional but on the other hand it gives me a good feeling that day and with that feeling I survive another day time and time again. I sense also a bright light warming feeling..
If in the end my feelings were wrong and he never wakes up then the bright light warming feeling at least has given me good days or otherwise I would be depressed that day.
What I am starting to miss very much is a warm body and strong arms after almost two years.. but it's good reading that I am not the only one who is feeling this way.
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I still love H and don't want bad things for him. Guess what? I didn't die when he left, my life is happier than his. When he comes back he will know to treat me like a wife and with respect, because he taught me that I can make it on my own. Thanks Honey!!!!
Kudos and here-here!!!
I totally agree with this sentiment.
They think they're happy, and maybe by definition - thinking of happiness as a chemical reaction within our brains - they are. By the strictest definition of the word, I mean.
However, you all know what I mean. They're just different. Some are haggard, some are pushing away their friends and family, stopping life long hobbies, getting ill, running ragged trying to seek out that happiness, drinking tons, running from life in general.
I was thinking of starting a prayer chain for these men, maybe it's time for that to happen also. :)
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prayer chain is good... I pray for my H sometimes and I actually said a prayer for OW once.
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I really believe it is my faith that allows me to continue. I am using this time to build a strong relationship with my daughters and to learn to love unconditionally. I give to my wife and expect nothing back. One day, she will realize that I stood not only for myself, but for her as well. Many nights, frustration sets in like a low grade fever and it penetrates my soul. It is on those nights, I pull out the laptop and read threads and reestablish my hope. This forum is the antibiotic for dispair. Without, I would be facing divorce because my pride would have demanded it. Instead, I am standing because I hate divorce and I know my God hates it just as much as I do.
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Wonderfully put, fix.
Many nights, frustration sets in like a low grade fever and it penetrates my soul.
This forum is the antibiotic for dispair.
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I stand because when I said those vows I meant them.
I stand because God hates divorce.
I stand because the day I remarried my H my childrens dream came true.
I stand because I want to be loved enough that if the shoe was on the other foot I would want H to stand for me.
I struggle with continuing to stand because sometimes I believe him when he spews at me.
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Hi,
Some of you may have read my recent stuff about the course of action I am going to take.
Despite probably ending any hopes of our reuniting by doing it, I am still standing.
I'm having to seperate out how I deal with my H's and OW's behaviour and what I still feel and want about our M.
So I'm having to draw a line despite the risk, because the journey is also about myself and how I live with me and finally realising I have to do what feels right for me.
By trying to keep the door open for a return I believe I have compromised too much of myself along the way, it's a fine line between changing and willingness to change, compromise and submission and remaining true to who you are.
Seems like there's more than one tightrope to walk as an LBS.
Don't know how to walk that line yet, not sure I ever will, but I'm trying to do that and still have belief in the possibility of a new and redemptive R with him.
No wonder I get dizzy sometimes!! ;D ;D
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I thought I'd start a discussion based on RCR's latest newsletter.
I'm not sure how many of you use positive affirmations daily, but I find them incredibly helpful.
Something about getting focused and getting intentional just sets me on the right path.
One thing (Aside from it being MLC) that is different between my H's first A and this one, I set goals last time, and used positive affirmations, and I instantly saw results.
Same thing with my career, school, etc.
Setting goals puts a positive, reachable objective in your head, and positive affirmations help you reach it.
Who knows how they work, they just do. They work for anything from putting you in a anxious mood into a confident mood, from sad to joyful, all the way to helping you achieve long term, very difficult goals.
And let's face it, most of us have very hard, long term goals in mind now (the restoration of our marriages and return to sanity of our MLCers)...
I'm listening to a Tony Robbins podcast today. Don't laugh, the guy may be a joke in some circles, but he is honestly amazing. In fact, I always joked about him because he's on those late night paid commercials. However, I happened across a Christian podcast by a woman who's a life coach and I tell you, she posted this Tony Robbins goal setting CD and it's already changing my outlook. In any case, if anyone is interested in hearing it, it's BTR Sai Browne and the episode is "Goal Setting Lesson with Tony Robbins."
My point is that after today, I will have specific, measurable goals set and from there will develop positive affirmations around it. This is something I am taking very seriously, listening to the podcast, setting down with pen and paper, brainstorming, rewriting, perfecting, and then sleeping on it and rewriting again. It needs to be perfect because from this session, I plan on building the rest of my incredible life.
I'm very serious about this guys, if you want to see results, let's all post our goals and affirmations and help each other with them.
And no, your affirmations should not include your H/W right now. :) Start with you. LOL
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Great post, M&H.
Tony Robbins a joke......isn't his show the reason we are all voting for RCR's story?
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Sometimes, my biggest difficulty in using affirmations is the doubt clouding it. In order to get over a hump, I phrase the affirmation, "I am in the process of...". This I could believe and it would carry me into the full affirmation.
Just a tip FWIW.
M&H, congrats on your focus!!!!
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Sometimes, my biggest difficulty in using affirmations is the doubt clouding it. In order to get over a hump, I phrase the affirmation, "I am in the process of..."
Do that if it works for you, but the problem with it is that according to the way affirmations work, you are continuing to be in process rather than be at the goal. That is why affirmations are stated in the present tense as though you are there.
Maybe there are some processes that are the goals though.
Suppose you want to go back to school but you have a list of things to check off first. Maybe you would be in the process of getting back to school, but you are writing your entrance essay and you are getting your letters of recommendation and you are saving your money for tuition. Then you are chunk-sizing the goal and choosing present tense affirmations that lead to the goal. Once you have completed the goals, your affirmations will change.
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Love this, M&H! I use affirmations every day. It was difficult at first, because I didn't really believe them; but, I kept going with them, and now I believe them.
I told my sister to start doing them as she has horribly low self esteem when it comes to her looks. I told her to start with, "gee, I sure am cute" as she looks in the mirror. She couldn't do it! It isn't necessarily about believing what you say at first, it's about getting yourself to believe it eventually. For her, anyway. A fake it till you make it kind of thing.
Affirmations work!
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I think that's a very good point, LGO. However... LOL, I started my reply, went to church and when I came home, RCR had answered. Exactly, ditto, etc.
You never want to say things like "I'm losing weight" because you will always be in the process of losing weight. I say "I'm naturally lean, fit and healthy." I actually am, you just can't see it because I have my winter weight on - ha ha. As my husband says, he has a six pack, he's just keeping it in the cooler. LOL.
An affirmation should not necessarily be something you agree with. It's something you want to attain. It shouldn't be outrageous. A Nordic woman can't affirm that her skin is bronze like a Brazilian and expect it to happen without a little spray-on action. A fat woman (me) CAN affirm that they are thin (me) - because it is only a matter of time before I reach that goal... Some of my favorites surround being joyful, cheerful, happy, etc. Those are easy feelings to feel even if you get off on the wrong side of the bed.
I used to say "money comes easily and frequently" like in the Secret movie. I then began to find change all over the place. Like crazy. Not what I meant. Ha ha.
I really think it's important first to have a goal. Not having a clear cut goal in mind is not good enough. For you to have a focused and fine tuned affirmation, you need a clear cut, attainable goal, usually with a timeline. Otherwise you'll be stuck finding loose change all over parking lots for the rest of your life.
FYI - I'm really digging the Inside Out Weight Loss podcast from the itunes store. It's free, and full of NLP, positive affirmations, guided meditations, etc. I'm finding it very easy to lose weight now. I mean, take off my winter coat.
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I totally agree. I use the "in the process of" to remove my doubt. It helps me bridge into a full affirmation, while I watch for evidence.
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Bumping this up!
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Good timing for this bump-up! I think a lot of us are becoming fed up and angry about our situations. I am, for sure. I am digging deep to find strength, and my S has a lot to do with that. Even if I feel anger towards my H right now, I know that won't last; but, my feelings of not wanting my S to be from a broken home are strong. I am holding on to that until the anger passes.
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Sometimes I find it helpful to read older threads.
Just bumping this one up!
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I too am standing because I don't want my kids to come from a broken home. H had a previous M when he was 18. It lasted around 4 years. He has a S27, that through no fault of his own he hasn't seen since he was 10. He now lives in New Zealand so the chances of him ever seeing him again are remote.
Very occasionally when I look into his eyes, I can see my old H is still in there. I know if this were really him, he wouldn't be putting everyone through this. So I stand, in the hope that one day soon he may find his way out.
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Looking back at what I wrote 2 months ago, nothing has changed much in my feelings, except that I feel more tired, more fed up, and wondering whether H will ever realise what he doesn't want to see. I wonder whether he really is this egocentric person I see before me, and whether I have been fooling myself all along.
I don't want my children to lose their father, but their home is already "broken" now by H living by himself.
I don't want to stop hoping that he will emerge from the ashes as a newer, kinder man.
But sometimes I wonder: Is there a man worth standing for, or have I been seeing my own projections?
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Mermaid,
Is there a man worth standing for, or have I been seeing my own projections?
Must it be either/or? In the early phases of our relationships with our spouses we projected onto each other--anima-animus. Those projections may continue for years. Now is the chance to dissolve those projections. Also consider that though you have projected, it does not mean your spouse did not possess those qualities or that they do not still posses them within what they have buried.
I wonder, can we exist without projection?
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Yes, you are right RCR. We all project, and our realities are different. We are a mixture of our idealised selves, and the reality that arises in the context of time/ situations.
I do see some qualities buried in my H, and I think he wants to get back to them too, but doesn't know how. At the moment, he thinks that he's doing waht he needs to do, and ignores the consequences to us all.
I guess I'm just feeling angry. Finding it hard to let go, and it's easier if I see him as a lesser man.
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Thanks so much for moving this thread up. I also have been struggling with whether I'm just being silly by standing. I went on vacation for a week and came back feeling so strong only to have all of this hit me in the face hard. I've been going through a serious depression this week just trying to deal with everything. It doesn't help that our D14 is a cheerleader so every Thursday we go to her game to watch her. I sit with my H and his parents and to an outsider everything is the same as always. Every week I just want to beg him to just come home with me and forget all of this nonsense and it's been two years since he moved out. Instead I act like I'm so happy, I'm nice to him and then I get in my car and know that he is probably going to see OW and I cry.
But I will continue standing because I truly love him and I meant every word I said in my marriage vows.
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I received this in my e-mail today:
We Have -
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we
ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know
that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what
we asked of him." 1 John 5:14-15
Maybe like me you have read that verse for years, but read it
again. "We have." Not going to one day. Not might have. Not
for some but not everyone. It is already ours! It hit me that
for a while I have been believing God "was going" to heal my
marriage. But what I should have been doing was praising God for
my "healed" marriage. It's already done! I know in the natural
world my marriage may not appear to be healed. But God's Word
says it is healed.
Remember the story of King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20. Three
armies had come against Judah. God told them the battle was
His:
He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah
and Jerusalem! This is what the Lord says to you: 'Do not be
afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle
is not yours, but God's.'" 2 Chronicles 20:15
BUT GOD! I love those two words. Are you surrounded by
enemies? Divorce, cancer, heart problems, alcoholism or drug
addiction? They can be scary. BUT GOD! He promises to fight
our battle. He promises us healing. He promises to be our
Redeemer. Look what the Israelites did. They went out to battle
singing and praising God - they were doing a victory dance before
the battle!
"After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing
to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness
as they went out at the head of the army, saying: 'Give thanks
to the Lord, for his love endures forever.' As they began to
sing and praise, the Lord set ambushes against the men of Ammon
and Moab and Mount Seir who were invading Judah, and they were
defeated." 2 Chronicles 20:21-22
That's what we need to do. Start doing a victory dance now!
Read 1 John 5:14 again. Those of us standing for our marriages
know we are asking for God's will. So God hears us. And we
know "we have" our request - a healed marriage. Woo Hoo!
Satan will be whispering to us, "It won't happen...You should
find someone else...You can't change your spouse...Get on with
your life." These are all lies. Satan knows we have the victory
before the battle. The only thing he can do is get us to forfeit
our victory by not believing in it. Don't let him steal your
victory. Read God's promise to you every day. Don't listen to
the world. Remember the story of Jairus. If anyone had a reason
to give up, it was him. He had a sick daughter and went to Jesus
for healing.
While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of
Jairus, the synagogue ruler. "Your daughter is dead," he
said. "Don't bother the teacher any more." Luke 8:49
How many of us have heard those words from our family and
friends. "Your marriage is dead. Don't bother praying for it."
Jesus is telling us the same thing He told Jairus:
"...Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed."
Luke 8:50
Start dancing! Your victory has been promised by the Everlasting
God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
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Hi Sunflower, I agree with everything you have written. I also meant every word of my marriage vows.
Sometimes I feel like kicking myself and think I am so stupid to waste my life wanting a man back who cheated on me, walked away from his family and his responsibilities without a care in the world. I act as though everything is fine, smiling to people we know. Yet he comes home to visit every single day to taunt me and still has no idea what it feels like every time he closes the front door and leaves us again. He has yo-yoed for almost a year and as yet there is no end in sight. I wonder how much more I can take of this, and then when I wake up next morning I find the strength from somewhere to hold on for just one more day.
I hope you can take comfort in knowing you are not the only 'silly' one.
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Thanks. I really know I'm not being silly, I'm just doing what I think is right, but some days are more difficult than others.
My H left 2 years ago this month and he did waffle back and forth for a while, but now seems to know that he never wants to come home or have a romantic relationship with me. He had an "online" affair for the past 2 years that became physical in June so I guess they are blissfully happy now.
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SunFlower
NO they are not blissfully happy, read affair down, just about every relationship based on infidelity fails in the end. This thought crosses my mind almost daily and I just remember the affair down stuff.
((Hugs))
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My H doesn't look happy when I see him, I know. Plus he must have to constantly lie even to our D14 about where he is and what he's doing. I wouldn't want to live that way.
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Sometimes, I don't know why I stand at all. I work my but off at the job, at home, and dealing with my w that I wish I was the one that was losing my mind and could stay at home while she worked everyday and tended after our two girls.
Yet, everytime that I hit the end of the line and I am ready to toss in the towel or quit the team, something happens that gives me the strength to endure. To go one more day or another weekend. I get so frustrated at times that I just want to grab the girls and leave.
Maybe tonight thats what I should do. Hmmm. Night out with the girls. Leave her alone with her computer again. Who knows? Yet, I will post this and go home.
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I know how that feels. Every time I've felt like packing it in and walking away, a little voice inside me says "No. That's not how you treat your marriage."
There's a book called Hold Onto Your N.U.T.s (tacky name but a pretty good book) that defines NUTs as "Non-Negotiable, Unalterable Terms"; those are the principles that you cannot compromise on without feeling like you are compromising yourself.
You will know if something is a "NUT" when you get that gut-level reaction.