Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Sunny on September 21, 2014, 03:13:15 AM
-
My husband found it very hard to make friends and often complained about it. He felt left out of potential friendships because he didn't want the stereotypical male friendship as he wasn't interested in the usual male pursuits except drinking, of course! Although I'm sure he would never risk any kind of emotional expression!
Any way, this was posted on Fellowship recently, thought I'd share it here and maybe get your thoughts. Love and light xo
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-mens-friendships-can-feel-empty-megasahd/
-
The ex found friendships problematic as he was uninterested in other people's struggles or problems. Usually focusing on the flaw in someone instead of seeing the good.
If there was someone he could get something from it might motivate him to do something for them.
He only had one friend I know of and I believe now has lost him.
-
Ditto in it. My h has never been interested in other people as people. He has one friend outside his work and very rarely sees him. If I ask how his sick wife is, my h can't answer me because he hasn't asked.
My h did things for others purely as a means of getting what he needed himself. Eg people thinking he was the good guy, when actually it was all about him and he ultimately resented what he was giving. This also includes his own family.
My h covered up his disinterest as not prying in others business. Rubbish, he genuinely was not interested. He didn't want others to know who he was so he projected this on to other people as a means of maintaining distance. That includes me btw.
I guess it's now at midlife that my h has realised how few people/ friends he actually has, hence my uber clinger. Outside of this house he has pretty much no one.
-
my h didn't have friends either, he had one really good friend for about the last 10 years but since he went deeper into his mlc he has barely spoken to him in the last 2 years and now i think isn't talking to him at all since he decided to leave. he doesn't want to hear what this friend has to say because he knows he won't agree with it.
-
Ditto - my H had two good friends in two separate fields of life (both of whom have been fantastic to me since BD)
However it was never the friendship of true bosom buddies. They had history and always enjoyed their company but H never confided in any of them and not even his brother.
The first person I think he ever confided in was OW!!!!!
-
Same, ow seems to be the first person my h has told anything to. I will never forget the immortal line that came from her to one of my friends " yes he has told me things he would never dream of telling his wife". Ouch !!!!
Sd
X
-
Well there was no danger of him confiding in her
A friend of mine talked to the exow and she said she was involved with a man who only focused on HER issues and NONE of his own.
So other than the false front he showed to her she said she wasn't emotionally invested.
Which was bull$h!te I know she thought he was the cat's ass. In the end he had her arrested.
Her knight in shining armor IS an @$$hole in tin foil
-
IMHO ladies this has NOTHING to do with these ows and everything to their own poor self image.
They feel they are better on some level than this affair down they pick..it's again all about them.
-
Totally agree, my h wad getting vicarious selfcesteem boost by pretending to be interested. The level of issues she brought ultimately caused the demise. I would say this is a fruendship pattern for my h. The people buy into his fake persona. Only he does not want their issues and complains.
Sd
X
-
Oh absolutely - my H picked OW because she confided her woes to him and him being rescuer of course had to confide in her his feelings about her marriage.
How do I know this - she wrote me a letter which H passed onto me telling me what H had told her. He had told her everything about our past and I mean EVERYthing - things I haven't even put on this forum.
Her letter to me showed me what kind of person she is.......and what stage my H was in.
-
What a winner S&D. Yes my h's ow showed her colours with that comment to my friend. She knew nothing about me personally,yet wanted to hurt me with what she knew would get back to me. Nice lady.
It kind of defies me though why these men go through life confiding in no one, then when they do they pick the worst person possible and for the worst possible reason.
Sd
X
-
Ditto in it. My h has never been interested in other people as people. He has one friend outside his work and very rarely sees him. If I ask how his sick wife is, my h can't answer me because he hasn't asked.
My h did things for others purely as a means of getting what he needed himself. Eg people thinking he was the good guy, when actually it was all about him and he ultimately resented what he was giving. This also includes his own family.
My h covered up his disinterest as not prying in others business. Rubbish, he genuinely was not interested. He didn't want others to know who he was so he projected this on to other people as a means of maintaining distance. That includes me btw.
I guess it's now at midlife that my h has realised how few people/ friends he actually has, hence my uber clinger. Outside of this house he has pretty much no one.
Wow Superdog...you just described my H as well. Thanks to MLC, he treated the few friends he had like crap...and now has nearly next to none.
SSG
-
Yep S&D nailed it that's for sure..those of you who are not dealing with the sheer selfishness of it anymore be grateful..get a perspective and the rose colored glasses come off.
-
The only person my h confided in before all this was me. He still hasnt told ow a lot. He looks down on her and i can see he feels like he has some kind of superiority to her. She has to do what he says or its a huge fight. Of course if she gives in he sees her as pathetic and if she doesnt then all hell breaks loose. Never was like that with me.
-
Come to think of it Mr. Pixie never really had many friends either. But since all of this started he has complained that he doesn't have friends and he wants a lot of friends. He wants best friends. So its some kind of male bonding he is looking for. Since this started he has attempted friendships with the younger crowd and will immediately call them his best friend without knowing them. He gets an obsession with them. How you can you be best friends with someone who is close to your S's age????
-
That's an easy Q to answer, Pixiegirl! Through his regression, he does think he is the same age as your S and his friends are!! I don't know what that age is but H seems to like it. ::)
-
Well that would be 21-25 OceanLady! S is 18. But Mr. Pixie tried to attempt best friendships with S's friends too. I suppose he has grown up a bit since he is now in the 21-25 range.