Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: OliveOyl on November 23, 2010, 11:30:15 PM
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I've seen a few threads where one says how they have become the opposite of what they were before. I feel like I'm the same, which can't be good.
Anyone have examples of how you have become the opposite and do you work on staying the opposite as part of the new you?
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Hi Olive Oyl
Like you, I felt I was still the same, but now I have sat and thought about it I realise I have taken over Hs role within the home. I have tackled jobs I would never have had confidence with before and would have left them for him.
I have wallpapered our huge living room with a very high ceiling. Three decorators wouldn't take it on. It took me a long time but I must admit I did an amazing job. H said he was really proud of me as he wouldn't have attempted it and said I did a better job than he could ever have done. I have climbed and sawn branches off trees, changed plugs and built flat pack furniture.
It has given me the confidence to tackle any other jobs around the home, without running to H first as I would have done previously.
I always relied on my H before for things like that. I am more independent than I used to be as I no longer rely on my H for anything. If he offers to do odd jobs fair enough, but I will not ask him to do them.
I have surprised myself and it feels good.
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Glimmer,
I have never felt I have changed but from what you have written, I have. Me, like you depended on my H to do things like that around the house. There was so much that needed done while he was still at home and he never would do.
The gutters needed cleaning out, my oldest daughter and I did that. The trim on the house needed paintng, we did that. The bathtub needed refinished for over 5 years and i did that. (It took me about a hour) he couldn't even do that. I am now working on the shower floor to repair a crack in it. It was cracked when he was here but he never would fix it. I now carry the salt to the water softner which he would do because I have carpal tunnel and it is hard to pick up heavy things but I do it. It is hard but I can do it. My h has not been in contact with me since july of 2010 so he doesn't have a clue what I have done and that hurts because I feel he doesn't even care about us but that is his loss even though I would love to hear from him.
He also always worked on our vehicles and has not even offered to do that. As a matter of fact, he refused to put new brakes on my vehicle when he said he would and he put the ow brakes on the week before he walked out and mine had been sitting for 6 months. I took my vehicle to my mom's mechanic and he fixed everything on my vehicle and charged me very little labor.
I know it hurts to think that the man we have loved so long and depended on and took care of has left us stranded and doesn't care. I dont' know about you but I could never do that.
Hugs to you
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OliveOyl
This is a good one! I read the same over and over and part of me panics at the thoughts of being the opposite of who I am. I have a lot to change about myself because I now recognise that I had not contributed fully to my marriage and whatever the outcome of Standing, I want to be able to contribute fairly and honestly in life and in all my relationships. But it's daunting and I am still trying to process ' the opposite of who you are' because there is a hell of a lot I like about myself.
I read the posts from Glimmer and hampc0cv and that gives me hope. I am often described as independent but I always argued that I wasn't. Since H has left I too have had to face faulty heating systems, car problems (major one this morning - just about avoided a collision on the motorway which wrecked my front wheel - another story) and home decorating. I am amazed at myself but a little ashamed as well because I know I should have been more of a participant in those areas of our marriage. Is that me becoming the opposite of who I was, I hope so. I think I was basically lazy and I know I don't want to be that person again, not just physically lazy but complacent about my relationship. I am taking that forward and paying a lot more attention to my other relationships - with my girls, my sisters, my work colleagues (I find myself being incredibly understanding of people's moods at work - not my usual approach) and my friends. I want to invest more time in relationships before I just wanted to go home and shut the door and no one bother me!
I know I am not quite there yet but I think this is one side of this situation that I can embrace and learn from. OliveOyl - this discussion thread has given me a different focus for today, I needed to think about something other than my feelings about H - thank you!
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The biggest change in me is that I am no longer afraid of the world. I used to be very intimidated about things....making phone calls, scheduling appointments, ordering things. Nothing has ever scared me as much as my H no longer loving me.
I tackle absolutely anything now. I am no longer timid....actually I have become quite bold. I repair household appliances, I schedule maintenance and car repairs, I operate lawn equipment, I remodel rooms, I fix flooring, I repair holes in the wall, I hang crown molding, I climb ladders to repair roofing, and I even find a way to remove lids from jars (all by myself!).
My H once told me I was too dependent on him. I haven't so much as asked him to reach a can from the top shelf in nearly two years. Oh, I take that back. I did ask him to please call to see if his mother was home to take a present to my FIL that I made for him. He said, "I suppose, if I have to." (Ugh, they are his parents.)
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I really struggle with this, which is why I don't feel like I'm changing. I've always been independent. My H always told me "you don't need me". I did most things myself, especially financially. I always responded back "I do need you, just not the way you think I should". So what I struggle with is changing in the middle of this to the opposite. At this point, there is no way I will lean on him financially, so that won't change. I also don't think that now is the time to have him in and out of the house to do things. What's left? The way I treat him and respond? The last few years, I've left him to himself. Not engaging in conversation, not really listening, responding or reacting defensively? Working on these would be changing, right?
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For me
I was sssooooooo impatient....still am but far less so than before
Snappy and often intolerant....put things into perspective now
didnt listen enough.....I do like to talk but now know the importance of real listening and hearing the words.
Sharing chores...I thought because I was the main bread winner, I shouldnt do as much as H....wrong
Self reflection....looking at myself how otherwise may see me...not how I see me...
Taking me time...always too busy before...even a bath took too long
Giving time for others....I now realise the importance of this now
Not taking anything for granted....appreciating what I have..I could go on...i must have been real bad LOL
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OliveOyl
Not engaging in conversation, not really listening, responding or reacting defensively? Working on these would be changing, right?
I think this could be the first step for you. For me it was about doing more, though my H always accused me of being too independent also but he meant emotionally. He thought I would never care if he left or died. This was said over years and not as part of MLC spewing. God was he ever wrong and did I know that, no! Last night I left the house three time to go to the back of our garden (freezing temperatures by the way) and just hold myself in silent screams and physical hurt from missing him. I know I have to get through this and to recognise that in my relationships I have to show a dependency I never did before. My children would tell you that H was the most demonstrative parent. Does that mean they don't feel loved by me, no but they do miss his physical affirmations of love. I am learning to grab them as they walk by and to hug them. I always hugged them in the morning and at night or when we were parting ways in the day but never spontaneously.
I feel I have reason for my emotional detachment from people. It comes from my childhood and from a sense of being let down so many times by parents and siblings that I built a defence field around me and just relied on myself. I love intensely but no one sees that and H obviously does not feel it. God I wish he could have felt it as I stood shivering with cold and pain last night!
I dont know if that helps to describe some of the changes that for me are opposite to how I was perceived before but not necessarily opposite to how I was / am.
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In what ways have you become opposites of what you were? This is a good question. In my case I got to the point where I thought that everything that I have accomplished or gained was because of "our/my" hard work, luck or coincidence... I/we totally took out "God" from the picture. I don't want to sound religious or so but it seems that before... we go to church every Sunday but it was out of obligation. When this Crisis happened to me I did a lot of soul searching and I realized that I couldn't do this on my own I needed God's help and guidance. I started to realize that even the smallest/tiniest thing that I receive or give is because of His blessings. As an example: Having a good sleep... I now am Thankful for, Having food on the table... I now am Thankful for, Having a Job while other people are struggling to find one... I am Thankful for. Hmmm sounds like a "Thanksgiving theme" . I don't want to sound religious and bore everyone... look around you, observe, the friends that you gain from this experience, this site and the people sharing their experiences, this are all blessings from someone (a higher Power).
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His Angel,
I am the same. I learned how to build walls around my heart and I think I never really let H in. I don't feel like I can let him in now, but would like to in the future. This is how I needed him and he could not understand it. He didn't let me in either. I think we only let each other in at a shallow level, he didn't or couldn't share his emotions and feelings. I think I responded or mirrored to the level he was willing to go to. After so long, it wasn't enough for me. Now, with all that's happened, we are both unwilling to be the first to be open and honest without getting defensive. I find this hard for me to do when he has someone else to go "home" to.
I am sorry your are in so much pain, and missing the H, the best friend, the person who comforted you when you are down. This happens to me too. I do find that I am missing less and less, and when I do, I bounce back quicker and go on. I don't like the H as he is right now, he is not the person I loved right now and I don't trust him enough to lean on him in any way. :( Maybe this is something I need to work on changing? IDK...
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OliveOyl
I can completely identify with those feelings. I even suspect I know when I stopped trusting my H in our relationship and it was before we were married. Nothing sinister but he had reassured me on something and when it didn't come through he fell off the pedestal. I don't think I ever trusted his judgement the same again and that was unfair because he had not been in control just naive. But if I am honest it pushed me right back into my core coping mechanism - only trust what I say or see. This comes up a lot at my counselling sessions!
I wish you and your family a peaceful and calm Thanksgiving. Hugs!
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His Angel,
I just sent a long response but it must have gotten lost in the process so here is a short version.
You mentioned that you probably did not participate enough in helping with things.
I did just the opposite. I was always helping and trying to get him to do things but he basically refused in the last year.
I would mention that we needed to get the bath fixed, driveway fixed and a lot of other things and he would say "WE". that really hurt because I was always willing to help and work on things even if I didn't know what to do I was always there to work and even be a gopher if he needed me to get things for him.
there were only a few things that my husband did.
He would feed HIS dog almost every night except Tuesdays (when he played cards at the club and Wednesdays when he would be at the club for Karaoke) I fed the do those nights. I would even leave early on Wed. nights to feed him. There were other nights I would feed the dog when my H worked late and stayed out late becasue I didn't want the dog to go hungry. When my H did come home and it got late and I would remind him to feed the dog it made him mad even though he would fall asleep and not feed him.
My H took the trash out on friday mornings and I did it a lot because he would forget or he would be running late for work.
Also, he would mow the lawn on Thursdays but that stopped because our oldest daughter was doing it so he stayed late at the club.
Our friends seen this and even his family.
One Sunday we were sitting at home doing nothing and I said lets go to your mom's and fix her toilet like she had asked him months ago and he said NO. I said I will help you or you can go by yourself and spend time with your mom and again he said NO. He just didn't want to do it.
Good friends of our said that he just didn't want any responsibility and that is one of the reasons he left. He didn't want to do anything.
well to this day his family has not called him out on it because they are afraid of making him mad. If they only knew what all he said when they would call him or aske him about something.
this really hurts because this is so unlike him but he could fix ow brakes on her car before he walked out and mine needed fixed for over 6 months and he said he would get mine he next week and he walked out.
this is why I wonder if the MLC made him act this way.
He is with ow and has no responsibility except to go to work and have fun. Is this MLC issues? Don't Know.
So I have been doing everything I can by myself or with the help of my girls and what I can't do i pay someone when I have the extra money which is not very often because it took both our incomes to make ends meet.
He basically stopped doing everything except what made him happy and I guess she makes him happy or he thinks she does at this point which he had told me right now she does. He unhappiness is within himself and he thinks it is our marriage. I wonder what will happen when he realizes no matter what he does or who he is with that it is not making him happy. i hope it hits him so hard that it knocks him off his feet and he is wondering why he has done all of this.
hamp
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I just thought of this one. Throughout our marriage, I was not bossy, didn't tell my H what to do, let him make his own decisions and supported them. Since he left I told him when to get his stuff out, what he needed to do when making plans with Ss (just told him he needed to let me know when they had plans). I told him when bills were due so he could pay his half, told him to stop getting his mail here, take his name of joint accounts, and a few other things. Now he thinks I've been bossy our whole marriage. Crazy, what happens in their minds, like I should have left our finances as they were! He doesn't see any of this as making him take responsibility or protecting myself financially. I will say that I don't know if I would be so open and free with finances as I was before.
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Hi Olive Oyl
Been doing some more thinking on this one.
I was always quite outspoken in relation to my Hs 'faults'. To be honest he didn't have many, and we did have a very good marriage contrary to what he has thought over the last 14months. Depending on my mood at the time, I would pick up on something he said or did and twist it out of all proportion. Now I bite my tongue before saying anything to anyone that may upset them as I realise it wasn't a very nice characteristic to have. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt more without thinking the worst.
One more thing, I have now got a job of sorts, not ideal but it is a job. My H was always the breadwinner. He worked 2 jobs (still does) and also studied part time for a degree. I stayed at home and looked after the girls so he could achieve his goals, he has always been ambitious. When MLC started he said he resented me for 'sponging' off him for so many years. He never expressed these thoughts previously to MLC as he was happy knowing the home and the kids were looked after, so in that respect he had no worries.
So I guess I have changed more than I originally thought.
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Happy Turkey Day everyone (even if you don't celebrate it!)
I'm a man so my roles have changed a little too. Thing is, I've always been there for my kids so
that hasn't changed. I have had to clean more, do dishes more, laundry more......
My wife was a stay at home mom.
I've had to learn quick books and how to ship parts. I now take care of all the account and bills.
That's about it!!
I did / do a lot around here and I did /do it while working full time and I have a part time job (my own business)
that takes up a lot of time. Our house stays in the middle of remolding too.
WE chose to buy a house that needed a LOT of work but I found out that working
on it must have been a spectator sport because I got NO help in the repairs. Only
grief from making a mess.
My wife would complain about no money so I worked harder at growing the business.
When she left she said I didn't spend enough time with her.......duh!
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Interesting question. I don't know that I'm the opposite of what I was. I do know I am different in many ways. Truthfully I think that what was always there is coming out. I was afraid before to be the person I felt inside. I now let my guard down more and am not afraid to express my vulnerability. I am kinder to all people generally. I give strangers compliments. I let myself feel the understanding of others that I did not always do before. Basically I let the gentle soul that was always there come through with fewer defenses. I also willingly express my belief and faith in God--something that was very private for me in the past. I express love and gratitude to others. I feel joy in small things.
Outwardly the person strangers see may not be much different, but the person those close to me see is different. I am certainly no angel, but I believe there is an element of God within each of us. We need to let that out, and to find it in others.
Perhaps we each begin this journey with outward expressions such as working or taking care of chores, etc. As we progress we need to turn inward though. We need to find the good, kind, gentle person inside of us. We need to let that person come out. There needs to be "soul changes." I'm not finished with my soul changes yet--probably never will be.
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WE chose to buy a house that needed a LOT of work but I found out that working
on it must have been a spectator sport because I got NO help in the repairs
Rebel Yell
Happy Thanksgiving from someone who doesn't technically celebrate though the company I work for is American and the canteen is full of flags and bunting today!
I just laughed for the first time today when I read the line above! We too bought a house three years back that needed a lot of work and I must confess my H would love and agree with your sentiment. Funny thing is I am now the one completing the house. Last night I was up til midnight piping polyfilla into cracks and between walls and door frames. I have no idea what I am doing but its looking better!
Thanks for the pick-me-up!
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Here's a thought. Just yesterday I had a conversation with my H for the first time in 2 months. At first I tried to draw something out of him but after a time he did open up a little. He said the last few years he felt like a servant. It was hard for me to see this as I always thought that doing things around the house was part of the deal of our M & family. He too stopped doing things in the last 5 months before he left. I did tell him I was sorry he felt that way and I was sorry if I made him feel that way but I too felt the same. Even though I always expressed my appreciation when he would do something or fix something I never got that in return. I think our problem was we never did express what we each needed before all of this happened. If and when we ever do get a second chance I will express my needs and be sure to find out what his are.
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/why do you feel it is your fault? mARRIAge is a two way street and both need to work at it and your h and mine just quit. I too would always thank him for things but I never to the thank you either, I was so apredciative of things hid did put I think he expected me to do it all and he could do what he wanted. We owe them nothing. They walked out on us because theydidn't want the resonsiility and thought they would have a wonderful life without us. Well, I don't think they will and all the pain and hurt the have caused, I hope they get it back 10 fold and we get to see it, because I feel that is the only justifcation we will ever get out of this Slap in the face they have caused for no reason.
I don't know about you but I was there thru thick and thin. Job losses, sickness (waited on him had and feet, he neve did that for me) surguries, job problems, personal problems and stood up for him no matter what. Consoled him when he was down and told him he could do anything. And what did I get out of it. A slap in the fact and him rubbing my face in his affair like it is nothing and the look of HA HA I have her and you have no one.
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Hamp
depression is an evil moster that has no boundaires for hurt. >:(
You are there too and saying things in the future you may regret. >:(
You were not perfect, yes he left and hurt you and did things that were "unforgiveable" in your eyes but it is not just his fault. Depression makes you run. Depression makes yo do things you would never consider. Suicide, murder drugs.
DO NOT just blame him step up ad take responsiblilty as well and when he starts to repair himself he will too.
BUT right now he is incapable.
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I really struggle with this, which is why I don't feel like I'm changing. I've always been independent. My H always told me "you don't need me". I did most things myself, especially financially. I always responded back "I do need you, just not the way you think I should".
My husband also said to me that I didn't need him. I like your response, I wish I had said what you said to your H, but I didn't think of it and didn't know what to say.
My biggest change has been my complete re-think of marital love. I thought unconditional love was between parents and kids and if you had unconditional love in your marriage it meant you're a doormat. Well, I know now that I want to love my H even those times (many during MLC) that he does not deserve for me or anyone else to love him. I want to work on it more & more.