Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: june on November 24, 2014, 05:26:42 PM
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I am on my second holiday (if you count Halloween - which my husband and I always celebrated big), and I am scared. I am alone - friends all out of town, no kids of my own....Christmas looming and it will be another huge event spend alone....then New Years....ugh. I did try for two months to make plans for myself (tried inviting myself to everyone house), but unfortunately nothing panned out.
I'd love to hear:
1) how you weathered your early days without a spouse?
2) what you learned about yourself?
3) quotes that carried you through?
4) Things you did to cope that worked?
5) Well wishes, etc
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Hi June,
I can't answer any of your questions, but I just HAD to respond to your thread. Long story with me, but I will be alone this entire week. This is the first holiday without my family. I know your pain. I am struggling ATM.
-T
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This will be my second Thanksgiving without my kids. :'(
I don't miss him one bit..all he ever did was criticize the dinner. >:( >:( He'd complain if you hung him with a new rope!
I just got done crying over how much I will miss them ..again. I just tried to make the best of it the last couple of years..
I'm working Thanksgiving Day and it's a Godsend. I'm having dinner earlier in the day with an elderly aunt.
I think if I lived closer to a city I'd like to be a part of serving dinner to the homeless or people less fortunate than me.
Last year I tried to think passed it all...I looked forward to Christmas and do this year also.I focused on what I do have instead of what I don't..but I also got realistic about what I really didn't lose in a realtionship with the ex.
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Last year was my first. I asked him to leave on Thanksgiving. The turkey was about half cooked. But I couldn't take the lies and betrayal anymore. After he left, I cried and cried, and cried. And the. I drank excessively. I got through his birthday in early December, through Christmas and New Year. Not sure how...New Year I was with friends and had a ball.
I've learned to turn my thinking. Instead of focusing on what I don't have--such as an in tact family--I focus on what I do have. I have S20 living with me and causing no problems. I have a wonderful D22 and got to spend her birthday with her. I have many, many new friends who really care. I am happier and healthier than I have been in a long time.
Last Christmas for me looked to be a difficult one. It was just S and me because D was coming home the next day. No presents were opened. But I cooked our traditional meals. I binged on some BBC costume drama. It was hard not to focus on him spending the holiday with OW, but I kept myself distracted and told myself 6496 times it is just another day.
This year, I am spending Thanksgiving with a dear friend from this board. Christmas will be similar to last year, but that's okay. New Year--no clue yet, but I know I'm going to be out having fun.
Being alone is the hardest part in the beginning, but as you continue to heal, you do become comfortable being alone. Distract yourself however you have to. Make yourself new traditions.
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Interesting - I hadn't really thought about it. Next month will be 2 years post BD and my H has not spent a holiday with OW yet. The last 2 years H still invited me to the family gatherings but I don't think that will be the case this year. I don't think that H will bring OW around the family but he may spend the holiday with her family.
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Last year, mine asked me to spend Thansgiving and Christmas with him so we did my parents' place for Thanksgiving and both parents' parties and Christmas Eve at home with him. This year, he is stopping to pick up his license plate stickers from me on his way to his parents' house and then I had helped him get football tickets for the Friday after so he and his son could go to a game together. He had said he told his mom he'd be leaving after dinner was over so they could get there Thursday not too late...so OW is not going to Thanksgiving.
I will be curious how Christmas goes, as he told me to buy gifts for the kids last spring. He always spent a lot on them and never wanted any of the credit for them. He'd say his gifts were from me. He got me a very expensive swingy outdoor chair last year and gave her a sweatshirt. lol He was SO excited about my gift last year...was so weird...and then the day after Christmas he told me he had to focus on him & OW now. I shipped his gift back to Amazon and used the credit to buy me an iPhone. ;D ;D ;D BEST gift ever, honey!! lol
Not sure how he will do his shopping this year. I currently have his credit card, to "keep him from being stupid." His words. If he asks for the number or wants the card, I quit being his bookkeeper so I know he won't ask. Guess I won't worry about it. I do plan to get the gifts he told me to buy the kids. He told me to do it...I had to wait until he had room on the card. They will get some nice Santa gifts.
I think what will make me the saddest is hanging the stockings. The stockings were his idea because they had them when they were kids and we never did. We would have a date night and go buy the stocking stuffers together and he always found the funnest stuff for everyone. They were his thing...the only thing he liked about Christmas, I think.
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This will be my third holiday season without my h.
The first Thanksgiving and Christmas I tried to keep everything as normal as possible for my sons, cooked the big meal and everything. It was the saddest time for me as h had moved out (ran away) that past August and I was definitely not well adjusted... Previously, we always hosted anyone who had no where to go or be with and it was very disheartening sitting at the table, just my sons and me. We did it again on Christmas Eve but decided to do things differently and I changed up our normal traditions as much as I could.
Last year, my second set of holidays alone, I went to a friends house for Thanksgiving and spent Christmas with my sons. This is the third year of being without my h for the holidays and I don't really have any spirit to do anything, honestly. I don't want to cook and I am not sure if I will even attempt putting a tree up this year. Bah humbug. Lol.
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Interesting post; hadn't really thought about it that much! This is my first Holiday season without the family (I had D11 for Halloween)!
In accordance with our decree, she has D11 this year (even years) and it's her weekend so she has D11 for the 4 day weekend. I'm going tonight to spend time with D11. Tomorrow I will come in early, approve time cards, make sure facility shut down procedures are in order......then I am off on a 10 hour drive to spend Thanksgiving with girlfriend & meet the parents/family for the first time.
Christmas, I get D11 from 12:00pm Christmas Day until 12:00 pm on December 1st. Next year it rotates. I'll be on vacation both weeks; not sure what I will do exactly but I do know I am not spending it all cooped up in the apartment. S21 will be back for holidays for a month and we have already discussed spending some time together and having a couple of "Guys Night Out" events! Otherwise, Probably catch some movies, do some skating, maybe some bowling....or just hang out downtown! Lot's of stuff around here to stay busy. When at home, probably practice guitar a lot, make some jewelry....maybe build another cigar box guitar.
Once I drop D11 off at noon on New Years day, I am headed to meet girlfriend in Chattanooga for 4 days!
About sums it up; and then back to the grind...............
DO
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This is #4 since BD for me! That seems crazy (as if this whole thing isn't crazy)! First year I was grasping straws and even though he'd moved out, we had Thanksgiving together at his parents' house where he lived. Mistake! Was horribly uncomfortable, and three days later was BD2 when I confirmed their affair. Bad year. By Christmas, he was a clinger, and he came over for awhile on Christmas Eve. WEIRD.
For #2, my dad and I had non-traditional festivities both holidays. Fry bread tacos for Thanksgiving, then I stayed up all night compiling a ream of discovery for my lawyer the next day! LOL MLC traditions. I think I propped the Christmas tree topper up on the fireplace as my decor. No sign of Vanisher.
For #3 last year it was back to more traditional times. Definitely felt like putting a tree up, so I got a smaller one that wasn't as big of a hassle for just one person. Definitely cooked more goodies and watch more movies during the whole season, and in general felt more normal.
This year I hardly even think about what I would do if Hoss was here. Several of our pets have passed away during this time, and a couple are older with their own special needs, so already the "family" feels altered from our old traditions enough that it wouldn't be the same as it was anyway. One thing I've brought back this year though that I haven't done since maybe 2010 is that I'll be making one of Hoss' favorite dishes for Thanksgiving that it triggered me too much to make these MLC years. My dad requested it, so it's like - why not? It's time to take back from MLC things that I loved doing.
I think that's really the key. I remember after my dad got divorced both times, the traditions had to shift at the holidays. We kept what was fun, and got rid of what wasn't. If you feel like there's too much alone time, make yourself go somewhere, or watch a movie/read a book/take a hot bath - whatever can pamper YOU the most, because this IS weird for awhile until it's not.
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I am loving the multi-year journey reflection here.
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Second holiday alone. I fell apart yesterday and cried to a friend. The triggered meeting everyone at a Christmas event alone. I felt so "other" because no one wanted to drive a mile of their way to get me. Everyone was so busy or tired...I wish...
Today I have been applying for a couple dream jobs (I know nuts on Christmas eve). This is me trying to be independent financially. I also completely decorated the house, even though I am the only person to enjoy it. Well, not completely true. I also decked out the yard with flashing lights and noticed my neighbor opened her blinds all week for the first time.
I tried for the second holiday to find a volunteer opportunity. MAN ALIVE these opportunities are always FULL! You have to volunteer so far in advance....Oh, well. I am making cookies with a friend of mine in a couple hours to share with friends. I also decided to write one thank you letter to a friend each day for a month. The more positive vibes that you put out the more positive you feel internally. This has really helped remove some of my feelings of isolation. I am anxious about tomorrow, since I didn't get an invite anywhere and alone was terrible over Thanksgiving...still thinking about things to do...
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june,
It sounds like you have done some great things today. Applying for jobs, which means you are thinking positively about the future and being able to stand firmly on your own two feet. That is excellent!! A good way to start off the new year.
Decorating your house with Christmas lights another excellent idea. Keeps you busy and allows you to enjoy the holiday season. This shows that you still believe in the Christmas spirit and all it stands for.
Attempting a volunteer opportunity, baking cookies and writing Thank you letters. You have been a busy bee. All of these things are great for you to feel involved and in the Christmas mood. You are doing wonderful!
Wishing you all the best!
Neo
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Thank you for this thread. I was feeling like I was the only one who is alone.
It is hard. I am a foreigner. My own family is across the ocean. I have not kids. My husband's family became my own family. This is my first Christmas without "family." I sent my MIL (my FIL died last year) card. She sent me flowers today.
Actually, I am not upset about my H. I am upset that he took away my family. I was not the one who broke the promise, but he has family and friends (his friends and their spouses), and I am alone.
I will go to my friend's house later tomorrow. I am thankful to have such a good friend.
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I was hoping someone would think about or include me too..I wanted to spend some time with some friends last year.
But I didn't get invited either. I think I was on here mostly tryng to heal up from the mess my life was then.
But I remember that's how I got through it was to think passed it and not focus on what used to happen or what I used to do.
No present wrapping, shopping, cooking, decorating, getting the Christmas Tree, dragging it up the stairs, putting it up, making sure everyone elses needs were met..it felt very empty not doing that.
But as time passes I'm quite enjoying NOT doing it now.
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l was dreading the thought of Christmas day alone. last year l had my daughter and ex over Christmas Eve and my d stayed the night and we had Christmas morning together to. Then ex picked her up at 11 and they went down to her parents 2hrs away.
l was alone the rest of Christmas day and the next 2 days.
Christmas day arvo , l forced myself to drive up to a beach 30mins away and l swam and sat there all day watching families and couples having their Christmas day and trying not to miss my d. That was my second Christmas in this without our little family and her and alone.
In our first Christmas separated , l basically locked all the doors and just cried the rest of the day after my d left with ex.
l have no friends here , my family are 4hrs away , l was too depressed to hack driving down and facing them. Who wants to drive 4hrs on a Christmas day and upset anyway ?
This year , l was dreading it after d left, dreading it . Alone again and without my girl , on Christmas day, that is just insane .
But my ex was going down to her patents and we asked d this yr what she would rather do and last min she wanted to stay home with me at my place. lt made my freaking year , it really did .
D told me later she was so sick of being dragged down to the in laws place 2hrs on a Christmas day and having to sit around all their bs for 2 days , away from me and pf course away from all her new pressies but hey , she is only 13 :)
l was so proud of her . We did have the option to drive down to see my family , 4hrs away , but again , who wants to drive all that on a Christmas day and we decided we're not doing it.
So for the first time since my ex destroyed our family , l have my d with me right through Christmas and l couldn't care less about anything else it's just made my year.
And , ex is going on a 2wk cruise and the in laws asked her , behind my back , if my d could stay with them for the 2wks.
But thankfully ex told me and so we asked my d first of all and she just said no way ,l wanna stay with dad. And again, l was so so proud of her.
The in laws have been trying to get their hooks into her since ex and l split but my d is getting too older and wiser to fall for their bs and sees straight through it.
Ex did come over for a barbie with d , Christmas Eve , ex was weird this year , very weird. But she wasn't too worried about d staying over right through this year , it was our turn anyway. But the fact that d actually chose to stay over with me , just meant so much to me .
l could have had her more on the first two but then she would be without her mum on a Christmas day and l didn't want that so either way you can't win.
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I'm 56 years old and this year for the first time in my life I will wake up by myself in an empty house. Maybe this is supposed to be one of those growth experiences the LBS is supposed to go through. But I guess it's not that big a deal because I've been waking almost every morning for the last six months by myself in an empty house. Or God could answer my prayer and maybe I won't wake up in the morning and this nightmare called MLC will be done.
One thing that will be different is that I won't be debating whether I should just take another Xanax and go back to sleep. I've been invited to my D31's house first thing in the morning to watch the grandkids open their presents. Then I have to come back home and finish decorating the house because D34 and family will be coming to stay the night Friday night for the first time in six months and everyone, including W will be here for Christmas celebration.
I have a feeling something is going to change after the holidays. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle and I think I've about reached my saturation point.
Merry Christmas all.
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Today, I cleaned house, did Christmas dinner shopping and wrapped presents for D11 a d S21; S21 is back from deployment and home until Jan 5th.
Being a single guy now, I have had to expand my culinary skills; I made a Cheeseball for tomorrow, a dish my aunt always made and I truly enjoyed in my youth! Dont know if D11 will like it (she's picky) but guarantee S21 will devour it! ;)
Tomorrow, around noon, I will pick them both up and bring them to my place and cook a ham and all the traditional sides for Christmas dinner with the kids. Expect to have S21's girlfriend over as well and maybe a couple of his friends. Ill have D11 until Jan 4th! Plan to take her skating, movies and whatever else tickles our fancy! I cant skate with her unfortunately; I dislocated my shoulder last time I skated (Thanksgiving) and waiting to get my labrum repaired. But she will have new skates and gear to break in for derby sign up in January! Once I m healed and can get back on skates, plan on volunteering and probably be a referee!
For now, just enjoying a quiet Christmas Eve watching A Christmas Story, as I do every year, drinking some coffee and enjoying a well deserved couple of weeks off work!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!
DO
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OK epic fail.
1) Friend who invited me to a gift exchange party uninvited me because I have a service dog and the host decided it would be too crowded with me....don't get me started....I had already confirmed weeks ago, bought a gift, and made a dish for the dinner...
2) Friend who planned to make cookies with me bailed....she was making last minute presents and it took all day and then she decided to do dinner and go to a candle light service with just her husband (I did ask and make her aware that I was bailed on already)...
Half hour into party, I get an email saying sorry come over to the party.... After dinner, the cookiemaker sent an email saying come to church service with us....Neither was a phone call, so it really felt like a non-invite. I had already crashed emotionally and could not respond. My eyes were so red and swollen from crying. Now I was aware that my being stressed everyone out on Christmas Eve....my husband also sent me an email saying he was not not enjoying Christmas because he was profoundly sad that I wanted him home....Lord....I was feeling so joyous and full of cheer...now I am the burden on everyone's mind...yuck. I had to shake it off.
I was up all night. I tried to watch TV to no avail. I called a suicide hotline just to check in with another human. The guy who answered was better then the people I have talked to before on this line - 1 (800) 273-8255. Told him that I felt bad calling because I knew this is a hard day for a lot of people and I was not thinking about suicide. He told me to call back as many times as I wanted. Just making touch once with another human was vital.
At 2am, the party-uninviter knocked on my door, a little drunk and super apologetic. Everything he said made it worse (loads of people, they were protecting me, etc). I felt even more like an outsider. A lot of it was drunken guilt, but unlike my husband, he truly did care that I was not OK. He invited me to come over, if I felt terrible on Christmas day, fine....I thanked him, hugged him, and sent him on. That idea of being thought of as a tragic character crashing someone else's family Christmas...REALLY not how I want to be viewed...the real me was not welcomed.
6am the neighbors new puppies were let outside to pee and pups proceeded to cry for an hour because they have separation anxiety. Sometimes, this can be the worst thing...right then, I was just happy to realized that they were having a rough morning. Scrooge or Grinch much?
Cookiemaker now wants to make cookies on Christmas Day....so jaded....and I know that my lack of sleep is not going to make anything easy today. No time was set, so I have zero expectation now. I was the initiator in the first place, so it's hard to think she really wanted to do this now.
Such an epic fail....me waiting with excitement and feeling loved followed by so much pain due to flakes....my friends are partially flaky, in general. I recognized now that I have been hurt by this often, and I would tell my husband that I was hurt and we would just plan something else. These friends truly have selfish tunnel vision when busy with holiday stuff...I would NEVER have done this to someone in my situation, so I can't help but take stock in this experience. I recognize that I am super fragile right now...but I was stuffing hurt for a long time and a dependable husband buffered me....I have a lot to learn about making friends who share or respect my need for Germanic reliability, or something closer to it.
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I was bomb dropped on Valentine's day this year. That was rough cause it was ironically the day we got engaged. Then there was Easter. The kids and I tried to do it up like always. Epic fail, we all just cried through it. Then our sonswedding and birthday, our oldest daughters birthday, my birthday, his birthday and now just had d16 birthday and now Christmas.
Everyone of these has been hard. I'm not going to lie, I hated everyone of these. I just wanted to disappear. Today is hard but we decided not to celebrate it. I'm glad. We have no decorations up and wrapped nothing. I only got d16 some gifts but we aren't calling them presents.
I think I've learned to only push myself so far. It's ok if I can't do a holiday right now. It won't be like this forever. The firsts are the hardest. It feels so lonely and it's so painful. Even the change in seasons sets me back. I've consideredthis year as grieving over the loss of holidays as they were. I'm letting myself have that grief and as time passes II'll rebuild the holidays how I want to.
It will get better. For now, I'm just getting through.
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Had my girls this year for Christmas morning. We had a great morning, it was hard not to shower them with a ton of gifts, so I did it anyway. They have been in need of some new things to play with at my house.
Just dropped them off with XW. She was pleasant. Invited me to stay, but I went with my gut...which was turning over and told her I have plans. I just couldn't sit there and watch them have Christmas with their Mom in my old home. I wish I could, but it's still too painful for me.
She has them till Sunday. Missing them already.
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I was bomb dropped on Valentine's day this year. That was rough cause it was ironically the day we got engaged.
I just wanted to note that Holidays for my partner seem to be days that he does something epically destructive. As I have read over the board, everyone seems to get at least one INSANE and MONUMENTAL blow on these days. I suppose it's the swirling of emotion that set them off like bombs....perhaps they didn't have this "awesome power" without waiting for precious moments to draw it up.
For me it was a bomb drop days before his birthday after I planned an epic day for him, cleaned out the bank account and vanishing physically to a mystery apartment on our anniversary, telling me he wanted me to draw up papers on Halloween (or favorite holiday), and now Thanksgiving and Christmas dropping emails telling me that he can't enjoy himself because he knows I still want him home....oi.
Understanding that this seems to be standard playbook made this holiday a lot better in relation to my feelings for him. I really thought I must be the worst person on earth for someone to opt for such symbolic destruction. Apparently I am not that special and that's a really good feeling!
AHH--just realized husband proposed on Easter! ugh....
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June. I love your attitude about not being that special! :) Of course you aren't the worst person on earth. Just think about what he's telling you: he can't enjoy the holidays because he knows you want him home. It's all about him, him, and him.
We do get through these holidays. I'm on my second Christmas (he moved out Thanksgiving day, at my request) and as each holiday passes, I get stronger. Today I miss some of the traditions, but since D22 lives 1000 miles away, most of our traditions would have been delayed, anyway, whether he was here or not. When you can learn to look forward and not focus overly much on the past, it really helps.
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Hey June...eye opener isn't it. Join clubs and social groups and meet some new friends. Start over, there are good people out there. You really only need one good friend who will be there for you and you them.
Christmas # 1 was a disaster. BD was early Dec and thought we should hold off telling the kids until the new year. So we tried to fake it and I couldn't ..he got an earfull every moment over Christmas holidays. It was awful.
Christmas #2 was sad but I had the kids and I went through the motions.
Christmas #3 kids were with ex until 1pm on the 25th. I reflected a bit but enjoyed my time to myself. The 24th I went out got my hair cut and styled and looked really good which made me feel good. I spent Christmas eve with extended family and got a lot of compliments. Christmas morning without the kids was surprisingly okay but was anxious to get them by 1. We then headed to my parents for the afternoon evening.
Holidays are hard for the first couple years but it gets better. Next year there should be even less care for ex and our history over the holidays. Time help fade the memories and you will change, grow and make new connections...new memories replace the old.