Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Jackolar12 on November 30, 2014, 02:02:57 PM
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Hi everyone,
Does any one have statistics on the reconciliations as a percentage of the numbers on the forum?
Also a percentage of the numbers that decide to stand down and move on.
And once the crisis is done, could it happen again to the same person?
I read some situations where one Mlc drives the Lbs into their own Mlc,I would like to find out how common this is if anyone knows.
If we are lucky enough to get a reconnection opportunity,what are the failure rates?
What types of triggers do members have to deal with?
Kind regards
Jackolar12
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Hi Jackolar
I do not have any answers for you but I too will be interested to know the stats for the questions you ask.
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RCR has written a bit about her view on statistics. There are several pages throughout the articles and blog about it, but here are a few references
:
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/stand_how-do-you-stand.html
I don't know the statistics regarding returns--there may not be any and if there are I would be skeptical as to their accuracies, since coulds, what-ifs and maybes cannot be measured with accuracy, and since statistics may not include the different strategies as data points relating to success. Possibilities are not probabilities; it is possible to Stand alone and achieve reconciliation. But I also feel it is important that at the point of true return it is no longer a solitary job; there needs to be a point where both spouses work together in partnership to rebuild their marriage.
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/standing-and-divorce/hope-expectations-probability-part-i/
In my early days I spread the 80% statistic. I heard from a chat leader at Jim Conway’s chat that Jim said 80% of MLCers will return—or will want to return. I was unable to clarify whether it meant 80% of marriages recovered or that 80% of the MLCers wanted to reconcile—even though some spouses refused. Finally I asked Jim about that statistic and he said it was not something that came from him and he did not know where it came from. Basically it was a statistic without a source and likely was a bit of anecdotal wishful thinking. I would love for that statistic to be true—or even a higher rate. But not only do I have no evidence to support it, I no longer think it is close to the reality. Why? Standing is hard and as I said already, many of you will come to a place where you feel strong and you feel ready to stop Standing. And if the statistic is about how many MLCers want to reconcile—how was that sort of data gathered? Often those with regrets do not verbalize them and they may not even acknowledge them to themselves for many years. MLC lasts 2-7 years, but some may not admit regrets until years after that after they are experiencing the full consequences of divorce on themselves and their children.
Some people around here say "most will come out of MLC and return" and some say "few ever come out of MLC and want to return" and I think we simply pick the one that most fits our viewpoint. I don't think there are any hard figures on what the true statistics are for the forum alone, and it would be near impossible to gather, given that a lot of people have left the forum without any of us knowing if they just gave up standing or reconciled and no longer needed the support.
Plus, even though there are so many factors we all have in common, the uniqueness of our relationships and the underlying cause of the crisis I think plays a much larger role than what we as a collective could predict. It's like the flu - people may catch the virus through different means, some people recover quickly, and others develop more serious problems. It's not the statistical analysis of the flu itself that predicts who will be the more serious cases, but the immune system of the individuals and how effective their chosen treatment methods are. So even if we did have facts and figures - would it really predict if OUR spouse would be one of the "return" cases? Probably not. Only their choices and how they personally work through this crisis will be a deciding factor.
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attaching
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Thank you HMT.
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Hi Jackolar,
I did compile statistics early on when I was still in the "how long is this going to take?!?" mode, and have continued to update my list. One caveat is that the timeframe does not go beyond the age of the forum, or people who found the forum shortly after it began. We have only a few anecdotal stories of the really longterm MLCers - fathers, fathers-in-law, neighbors etc., but I remember reading of some in the 10-25 year range. Also, I'm not sure how representative this sample is because people come and go, some with spouses who have returned may not update, and others may create an account then not return to the site. Also, from the larger pool of MLC-affected families, how many never come to the site in the first place?
With that said:
8% returned in less than a year 6/78 by 6-9 8%
5% returned in one year 22% 6-15 months 4/78 by 12 13%
9% returned at 15 months 7/78 by 15 21%
20% returned at 18 months 42% 18-24 months 16/78 by 18 41%
22% returned at 2 years 17/78 by 24 63%
8% returned at 2.5 6/78 by 30 71%
18% returned at 3 years 33% 2.5-3.5 years 14/78 by 36 89%
7% returned at 3.5 years 5/78 by 42 96%
4% returned at 4 years 4% 48+months 3/78 by 48 100%
The HS community has had 2573 unique users, but only 100-250 check in on any given day.
IANTE
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Hi Iamnottheenemy,
Thanks for the heads up, it's just past 3 years for me so around 18% I guess. It's really good you took the time to figure this out, you must be very good at data analysis.
Thanks Again
Jackolar12
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So, if we were to glean information from the statistics could we hypothesize that the longer it goes the less chance of a return? It's 3.5 years for me and XW has never mentioned a return even once.
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Thanks for the data!
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I really don't understand how anyone can give us any true statistics. There are so many variables.
High Energy MLCer vs Low Energy MLCers's.
Actions of LBS's
Affairs vs no affairs
Childhood issues vs Aging issues
Standers vs non-standers
Personalites of both MLCers and LBS's (coping abilities/the ability to forgive)
Intelligence (it has been proven that high intelligent people tend to affair less)
Children vs no children
I'm sorry but I just see too many things that can effect both the MLCer and the spouse to give any concrete answers or statistics. Just my opinion.
I do, however, think a large majority of MLCer's do WANT to return. Some have the strength to try and some don't.
It takes courage, honesty and strength with oneself to take the leap. They don't all have that and stay stuck in the life they chose other will fight to get their family back.
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Since all of this has started I can easily see other marriages that have ended in this type of disaster. I know of two men that walked from a good marriage and home about twenty years ago. They are still chasing women and have no interest in slowing down.
My little sister left a good husband and home to have sex with a guy she knew from her younger days. The affair fell flat so she just set her sights on another guy.....
She has been in crisis for 5yrs now. I asked her some pointed questions about her behavior and she disappeared for about 6 months. If I am supportive of her and don't ask any questions? She hangs around and complains about her life..........
I've come to believe that people HATE to change. They will fight it tooth and nail. They spend the bulk of their time convincing themselves they are right. Even if their life is a disaster. They just blame the next thing in line............
The question I ask myself........... Is she capable of change? Is she EVER going to look inside?
We know our x's better than anybody else. If we believe they can pull up the strength to fix themselves then we should consider "standing"
If we decide that the best they can be is less than we would want for ourselves...............?
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rugged,
Sadly, I have seen that, too. One man left a good marriage years ago and still is out chasing women. One man took over 15 years to come back.
They claim women go through their crisis faster than most men. 5 years or less being the average. Where men can take 2 to 10 years (2-3 is very uncommon).
But you're right, we can only look at our spouse and what type of MLCer they are. All so different. I forgot to add:
Monster vs no monster.
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Wow IANTE that is excellent work!
from the statistics could we hypothesize that the longer it goes the less chance of a return
No, not necessarily, for the moment at least we can't say that as the site is only 4 years old, so it is normal we note more 'early' returns for now.
Would be interesting to mark also by year: how many joined, how many of these we know now that they reconciled, how many not (so far) and how many left the site?
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The number cruncher in me loves the stats, IANTE, but I still feel like Thunder - the variables for each individual are what make the difference, not a particular timeline. No guarantees, guys! That's LIFE!
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Wow iante thanks for the information....it would be interesting to break down standers with minor children, adult children, and no children.
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The tough part about this whole deal is that even if there were statistics, it would be no guarantee. They all seem to follow the same basic script, but they're still all different people.
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Here would be my .02 on the subject.
I have read somewhere that 10% of people that divorce nationally reconcile
and remarry their spouse.
I also have been given and subscribe to the following advice.
In the END the LBS gets to choose whether to reconcile or not.
If you have not yet gotten that chance then it is not yet THE END!
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Ohio State Research found that the average length of a first separation in first marriage is 4 years. For those who reunite (21%), the average separation length is 2 years. The 3 year mark is statistically the point of no return, where only outcomes observed were continued separation and divorce. Hispanics and blacks are statistically more likely to stay separated than divorce. If you marry really young and are not yet 30, odds of reconciliation are lower that for older couples.
According to Census data released in 2010, 2% of the population claimed to be separated from their spouses,9% claimed to be currently divorced, 30% of people over the age of 15 claim never have been married, and 10% of divorced couples reconcile and remarry. http://www.census.gov/population/www/socdemo/hh-fam/cps2009.html
When you include couples who remain separated for life, you get close to the misleading 50% marriages end in divorce statistic. In truth, it's less likely that a first marriage ends in divorce, more than likely a second marriage will end in divorce, and the majority of third marriage end in divorce.
Because statistics are age and other factor dependent some people have created risk calculators that might give you more hope. One is here: http://www.divorce360.com/content/divorcecalculator.aspx
Age groups of women getting divorced:
Under 20 - 27.6%
20 to 24 - 36.6%
25 to 29 - 16.4%
30 to 34 - 8.5%
35 to 39 - 5.1%
Age groups of Men getting divorced:
Under 20 - 11.7%
20 to 24 - 38.8%
25 to 29 - 22.3%
30 to 34 - 11.6%
35 to 39 - 6.5%
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http://glo.com/relationships/we-got-remarried-to-each-other-1533156.story
This is an article that refers to the Kalish book that cites 6% as the number of spouses who divorce and remarry eachother. But, even with this, I know, personally (not including famous people) who remarried and divorced AGAIN, so 6% is not necessarily successful R's, either. But, I also know (and know one personally) some couples who never D, but live apart, with other partners, for a long time and get back together, so that 6% would never include them.
And then, I would urge you to Google "The Median is not the Message" by Stephen J Gould. It's about cancer, but relevant. Statistics, averages, and everyone else's experience will not be your own and should not dictate your actions or beliefs. You might be THE ONE, there is no way to know, and if that's what you want, and believe, then believe it.
But, if you want to go by statistics, my therapist says there is research that shows, most will "turn" back to the spouse within two years, or, if not, they will start to catch on after their THIRD significant R breaks down, because it will only be then that they realize their s@#$ is not going away and they can't keep blaming it on "the other person." And I think that when I look around, that does seem to play out. A lot of people are SLOW learners... But again, you are ONLY one and you can be whichever ONE you choose to be, so stand if it suits you! Love and light, ll
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"3 years is the point of no return" and "most will turn back to the spouse after two years or after their third significant R breaks down" is certainly not what I wanted to hear today. Ugh!
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Reconciliation according to David D. Witt, PhD:
50% of those who initiate separation will return to the marriage for some time - on again/off again type relationships. 90% will reconcile after filing papers.
http://www3.uakron.edu/witt/flsp/note18.htm
The stat should give us all hope. You can't be in reconcile if you are not trying, and many people just throw in the towel when a partner bails. We have increased the opportunity for reconciliation because we are in a extraordinary committed sub-group.
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So, if we were to glean information from the statistics could we hypothesize that the longer it goes the less chance of a return? It's 3.5 years for me and XW has never mentioned a return even once.
Only 6 months behind you Thundarr. Never a mention of return here either. In fact, she just advised me that she is filing for divorce. :(
Her loss in the end.
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For those who reunite (21%), the average separation length is 2 years. The 3 year mark is statistically the point of no return, where only outcomes observed were continued separation and divorce.
My opinion about this is that there are very few LBSers who are willing to wait longer than three years.
As well, these stats are not specific to MLC so they might not matter at all anyway.
I worked as a research nurse for several years and frankly was quite amazed at how the "stats" could be fudged to make them sound the way the doctor I worked for wanting them to be (because he wanted grant funding) And this was in a double blind clinical trial where you could measure the outcomes.
There are too many variable to even attempt any kind of empirical research on the number of people who reconcile and we cannot even state for sure that someone is having a MLC. There is no diagnostic test. Most data is anecdotal and all that I have read states that most MLCers will want at some point to return but often the LBSer has moved on.
If you are trying to win a race with MLC, or you have a specific time frame in mind that you are willing to wait for their crisis to end, you will never know unless you wait and see whether they return or not and even then you may not want them.
IANTE stated:I'm not sure how representative this sample is because people come and go, some with spouses who have returned may not update, and others may create an account then not return to the site
I think it is VERY likely that many people have reconciled and have not returned to the site. Why would people want to remind themselves of this very difficult time of life, rather focus on their reconciled relationship and move on to other things.
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I imagined the opposite...that the unreconciled would leave and the others would come back and tell us about reconciliation.
The stats here sound very optimistic. Surely we would all know a few returners locally if so many remarry etc. Instead, most of us probably know a dozen divorcees.
Stats or no stats. I've read about so many men similar to my H that come back that I'm prepared to wait it out until I stop loving him and enjoying his company
Xx
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I agree with XYZCF.
I think it is VERY likely that many people have reconciled and have not returned to the site. Why would people want to remind themselves of this very difficult time of life, rather focus on their reconciled relationship and move on to other things.
I think my H and I are at the very beginning of reconnection and I can tell you that it is exhausting and time consuming mentally. It has been very hard for me to read and comment like I used to because I'm spending a LOT of time with H these days; it is very painful to revisit that raw emotion when you are trying to forget how it felt so you can forgive and accept the broken person that seems to want to come home........
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Hi slow fade
I agree about wanting to forget. My H left the first time in June 2013 and I did not come back as I just wanted to put it from my mind like it had been a bad nightmare. I did inform everyone that he had come home though but I didn't post anymore.
I feel guilty that I did not continue to post because I should have done so as the site saved my sanity and helped me through a month of hell. I should have been helping others on here. I'm sorry I did not do that.
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Hi everyone,
Thank you for your comments it would seem we need to get more hard statistics about Mlc return/ possible return statistics to give us all hope for the future years. I hope we can find on the forum academics that can make this possible.
Kind regards
Jackolar12
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So, if we were to glean information from the statistics could we hypothesize that the longer it goes the less chance of a return? It's 3.5 years for me and XW has never mentioned a return even once.
we would also have to create a null a hypothesis to this Thundar and prove it wrong first and reject it.
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RCR has written a bit about her view on statistics. There are several pages throughout the articles and blog about it, but here are a few references
:
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/stand_how-do-you-stand.html
I don't know the statistics regarding returns--there may not be any and if there are I would be skeptical as to their accuracies, since coulds, what-ifs and maybes cannot be measured with accuracy, and since statistics may not include the different strategies as data points relating to success. Possibilities are not probabilities; it is possible to Stand alone and achieve reconciliation. But I also feel it is important that at the point of true return it is no longer a solitary job; there needs to be a point where both spouses work together in partnership to rebuild their marriage.
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/standing-and-divorce/hope-expectations-probability-part-i/
In my early days I spread the 80% statistic. I heard from a chat leader at Jim Conway’s chat that Jim said 80% of MLCers will return—or will want to return. I was unable to clarify whether it meant 80% of marriages recovered or that 80% of the MLCers wanted to reconcile—even though some spouses refused. Finally I asked Jim about that statistic and he said it was not something that came from him and he did not know where it came from. Basically it was a statistic without a source and likely was a bit of anecdotal wishful thinking. I would love for that statistic to be true—or even a higher rate. But not only do I have no evidence to support it, I no longer think it is close to the reality. Why? Standing is hard and as I said already, many of you will come to a place where you feel strong and you feel ready to stop Standing. And if the statistic is about how many MLCers want to reconcile—how was that sort of data gathered? Often those with regrets do not verbalize them and they may not even acknowledge them to themselves for many years. MLC lasts 2-7 years, but some may not admit regrets until years after that after they are experiencing the full consequences of divorce on themselves and their children.
Some people around here say "most will come out of MLC and return" and some say "few ever come out of MLC and want to return" and I think we simply pick the one that most fits our viewpoint. I don't think there are any hard figures on what the true statistics are for the forum alone, and it would be near impossible to gather, given that a lot of people have left the forum without any of us knowing if they just gave up standing or reconciled and no longer needed the support.
Plus, even though there are so many factors we all have in common, the uniqueness of our relationships and the underlying cause of the crisis I think plays a much larger role than what we as a collective could predict. It's like the flu - people may catch the virus through different means, some people recover quickly, and others develop more serious problems. It's not the statistical analysis of the flu itself that predicts who will be the more serious cases, but the immune system of the individuals and how effective their chosen treatment methods are. So even if we did have facts and figures - would it really predict if OUR spouse would be one of the "return" cases? Probably not. Only their choices and how they personally work through this crisis will be a deciding factor.
no wonder doctors and psychiatrists don't take Mlc seriously with ought hard empirical facts. It's up to us to push this forward who else will? RTT.
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"3 years is the point of no return" and "most will turn back to the spouse after two years or after their third significant R breaks down" is certainly not what I wanted to hear today. Ugh!
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger brother.
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Here would be my .02 on the subject.
I have read somewhere that 10% of people that divorce nationally reconcile
and remarry their spouse.
I also have been given and subscribe to the following advice.
In the END the LBS gets to choose whether to reconcile or not.
If you have not yet gotten that chance then it is not yet THE END!
I have to agree with OldPilot on this with the added thought that it is dependent on each individual LBS & MLCer! When it comes down to it, you cannot compare two unique individuals and their unique situation to any others regardless of how similar the story / script is.
So with that, I say 50/50 per your own sitch......50% chance the MLCer will want to return......50% that the LBS is still waiting or wants them back! Thats the bottom line when it comes down to it!
DO
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Being in the finance industry i second the notion that stats can be manipulated to tell you whatever you want to hear. No point in focusing on the "odds". Each sitch is unique... Kids/no kids, finances, mental health, OP... Focus should be on ourselves. I know, easier said then done. I wouldn't be reading this thread if I followed my own advice!
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What's interesting about this thread is that it's sorting out the pessimists from the optimists.
I can see myself holding in hope, even whilst GAL-ing, for a very long time, so likelihood of reconciliation really exercises my mind. A lot.
Sometimes I think H and I won't reconcile because he's stubborn and will resist change or admitting he's wrong. On the other hand, he's volatile, and again, on the other hand, we had a very special relationship. Also, he never quite seems to fully LEAVE.
Maybe there's an equation we could come up with s x a - xy ± R, where R is reconciliation. :)
It all makes me nervous and returns me to that place where I just don't want to be caught waiting- clock's a ticking, life to be lived.
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Maybe those of us who hold out the most hope are the ones who have seen their real H peek out or still feel a connection.
In the first few weeks of pure monster and before I realised he was running from depression, I was ready to split our assets and move on.
Now I see how ill he is it's completely different. I can't give up on him yet
X
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Hmmm, I totally agree. What's more I'm starting to reach a place where it doesn't matter a jot what the world at large thinks - I'm hanging in there. Whilst he's so clearly not himself and so screwy in the brain.
UK
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Another article by Rick Reynolds which I think has some really helpful stuff for those reconnecting...or hoping to one day. It's a message for the affair partner (or MLCer in our case) but I think it's helpful for the LBSer to set boundaries with this understanding.
https://www.affairrecovery.com/20-most-common-mistakes-unfaithful-spouse?utm_source=Article+of+the+Week&utm_campaign=fcc68737d6-aotw_02_03_2016&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_ba782628b7-fcc68737d6-312831325
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After the revelation of an affair or other sexually inappropriate behavior it unfortunately, is very easy for the unfaithful spouse to make a series of well-meaning mistakes which only complicates the situation. Listed below are some of the most common ones we see in our practice.
We hope that this information will help guide your actions. Navigating your relationship in the wake of infidelity, regardless of whether or not your spouse is aware of the affair, is overwhelmingly complicated. But, you're not the first to be in this tumultuous situation. We've seen these actions in couples time and again. If you can avoid them, your road to recovery may be smoother, but if you've already committed them, it doesn't mean you should give up hope. Do what you can do to avoid these actions in the future.
The 20 Most Common Mistakes
1. Naively believing that if you and your affair partner decide to do the right thing and return to your marriages, that the affair is indeed over.
In reality, this relationship probably meant more to one party than the other. For that reason, just because you decide to end the affair doesn't mean the other party will honor your decision, or even that you will. The "Break-up, Make-up" cycle is a natural part of an affair. But you cannot begin to heal your marriage until you take a stand and absolutely refuse contact. However, don't be naïve; the next attempt or temptation to contact is bound to come. Denial of an impending reality will only leave you vulnerable to relapse. So, prepare yourself for having to firmly and definitively refuse contact.
2. Leaking out information over time.
The revelation of an affair or sexual addiction is a frightening process, but one of the worst mistakes is trying to hold back the whole truth. Similarly, spinning the truth so your mate won't be so upset is just as damaging.
The problem with leaking information is that it delays your mate's ability to learn to trust you again. If your mate believes that you've laid out the whole truth and nothing but the truth, that there are no more surprises or painful revelations yet to come and then your mate encounters multiple "oh by the ways" or other discoveries as time goes on, then it will eventually destroy your mate's ability to believe a single word you say.
For that reason, it is best to lay it all out on the front end. It’s never a good idea to try to control your mate by the flow of information. Either your mate will be able to handle the truth or not. Getting the truth out, all of it and unvarnished to your mate is a great opportunity to display real integrity and safety: something you may feel you've been lacking if you've had to hide your actions or lie. Don't miss your chance. Tell the whole truth as soon as you can.
3. Being defensive.
The antidote to defensiveness is taking personal responsibility. Defensiveness is the number one thing to avoid when talking with your hurt spouse. If you become defensive, then your mate will only assume you don't understand and he or she will begin to turn up the volume. During this period in our lives, one of my wife's favorite questions was, "How loud am I going to have to get before you hear me?" I always knew when I heard that line that it was time to listen. It is extremely painful for the unfaithful spouse to examine what has happened, but minimizing, blaming one's mate, or even blaming another party, is not a solution.
Since the revelation of a betrayal is so traumatic, there is no room for defensiveness. You're better off using two phrases: 1) "You're right" (when they are right) and 2) "I deserve that" (when they are wrong). Answering the "why" questions is tricky at best. Any explanation you give will be perceived as an excuse. The best answer for the why questions is to tell your mate you will do everything possible to search for the answer, but admit you don't want to sound defensive while trying to answer a question you don't necessarily know the answer to. Whatever you do, don't be defensive.
At this point, you might be saying, "I don't want to take all the blame; my wife (or husband) made her (or his) own contributions to what has happened. We had issues in this relationship long before I had an affair." And while that may be true, your first order of business needs to be the stabilization of the marriage. Give your mate time to recover, and then begin to address the other issues in the marriage. One of your first steps will be avoiding defensiveness when talking with your mate.
4. Believing everything your mate says.
When people are emotional and hurt they may say things they don't mean. If your mate says "I want a divorce," don't assume that you are going to be divorced. If your mate resorts to name calling or trying to hurt you by threatening to take your kids, don't overreact. After all is said and done, there will always be a lot more said than done. If your mate asks you to get out, then accommodate, but don't assume it's for the long run. A new day will most likely bring different feelings. If anything, you can be assured that feelings will shift over time.
Warning: While you are taking your mate's words with a grain of salt do not minimize what your mate is telling you. Listen empathetically, and let your mate know you heard what was said. Just don't structure the remainder of your life on what a hurt spouse says, especially in the first three months after the revelation of the affair. Balance your thoughts about your mate's word between sincerely hearing and understanding that every word may not stick.
5. Living life as normal.
You can't go on living life as normal if you want to bring healing to your marriage after a betrayal. Normal is what got you into this. Changes need to be made to give your mate assurance that you're taking responsibility for your problem and being proactive to prevent it from happening again.
We have had clients who continue to go to the bar or stay out late without informing their spouses where they are or who they are with. To some, it may seem elementary to make sure and build safety in a concrete way, but it cannot be stressed enough. Taking responsibility for your betrayal by avoiding high risk situations and getting the necessary help to get your life (as well as that of your mate) back into safety is part of taking responsibility for your infidelity. If you want to rebuild your marriage, this is not optional. Make them aware of the ways that you have altered your life in order to create a culture of safety. These are the things that will assure her that it's not "life as normal."
6. Trying to defend your affair partner.
It may seem to go without saying, but don't defend the other woman (or man). Most likely your mate will trash the affair partner (or if you've been using porn she may just try to trash you). Don't try to defend your affair partner. It's easier for your spouse to be angry with the affair partner than it is for her (or him) to be angry with you, and if you defend the affair partner, your mate is likely to feel that you are more loyal to the affair partner than you are to your mate and your marriage.
7. Trying to avoid talking with your wife about her feelings.
The way women deal with trauma is by talking about their feelings. In fact, they may need to restate the same thing, or ask the same question multiple times. Men tend to feel that our wives are bringing it up just to make us feel bad or shame us. That's not the case; it's just how women heal. Answer your wife's questions, 20 times if need be. In the long run, she will appreciate your openness and you will have helped her heal while also working to create a ‘safe’ climate for you both to heal.
8. Pointing out your mate's faults and failures.
Deficiencies certainly exist in every marriage, but now is not the time to deal with them. First, you have to re-establish the fidelity and stability of the relationship. Then, after the breach in the relationship is repaired, you can address other issues. Early on, the unfaithful spouse must learn to embrace the spotlight being on their own life before any issues within the betrayed spouse can be discussed.
9. Taking your spouse to the same places you frequented with your affair partner.
One of the most difficult battles the hurt spouse fights is the one of reminders. On any given day your spouse might have as many as 50 to 60 reminders. Each time, your spouse has to calm themselves down and get back in control of the emotions. Taking your mate to a place where your mate knows you were with your affair partner will cause your mate serious pain. For your spouse's sake, be sensitive to places that will serve as a reminder and bring pain.
10. Telling a lie (of any sort).
Giving your mate good reason to feel safe is one of your goals. Telling a lie (even the smallest of lies) only reinforces the belief that your mate cannot trust you. As difficult as it may seem, tell the truth. In the long run, your mate will at least know that you're being real with them even if your mate doesn't like what you're telling them.
11. Not supporting your mate's recovery.
The pain of the revelation of a betrayal is disorienting to both partners. Both the husband and wife will struggle with how to cope with the pain resulting from the event. Sometimes it can be frustrating since frequently the hurt spouse takes longer to move past the initial trauma than the unfaithful spouse.
In these situations, the hurt spouse wants to continue to understand what has happened and wants to continue to talk about it; the unfaithful spouse will often interpret that as an attempt at punishment. This may cause the unfaithful spouse to quit trying to support the other's recovery. At some point, it may be very tempting to tell your mate to "just get over it."
In fact, it may seem like a good idea in terms so that you can move on, but if the initial period of recovery doesn't run its course, it can result in future problems. If your mate represses her/his feelings and doesn't finish processing what has happened, then the feelings will begin to surface again in about 5 years.
In reality, you are far better off to support your mate's recovery at the time of the betrayal rather than living five years with a mate who is hurting and who will eventually blow up.
12. Not being consistent in your recovery plan.
After a betrayal, there is an obvious problem with trust. To re-establish trust, an unfaithful spouse has to be consistent in what he or she says and does. It may seem easy for you to think even a minor inconsistency is no big deal because you know your heart's condition and your intent, but your mate does not.
The only thing a hurt spouse can rebuild on are your behaviors. If you are consistent and do what you say, then over time your mate can begin to trust again. But if you fail to follow through with what you say, it will only serve to reinforce your mate's distrust. It is imperative that you say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't make the mistake of telling your mate what you think she/he wants to hear only to fail to follow through. You will be far better off if you're realistic, and then do what you say even if what you say (and then do) is not as grand as you or your mate had hoped.
13. Not keeping agreements you make with your mate.
This is much the same as the above item. If you tell your mate you will not eat lunch with another woman, then don't go out to eat with another woman (or man if that's where your temptations lie). If you tell your spouse that you'll go to counseling together, then go to counseling together. If you agree to be home at 6:00, then make sure you're home by 6:00. If you agree to go to an accountability group, then go to the group. Failure to keep these types of agreements, though small in perceived impact, will cast doubt on any and all of your integrity and make it difficult for your mate to trust.
14. Telling your mate to forgive you.
As a general rule, never tell someone to forgive you. You can ask, but don't tell. Forgiveness is a process your mate will have to work through. In many ways, it has little to do with you; it's a gift your mate has to give herself/himself. Failure to forgive would result in your mate remaining a victim. It's far better to tell your mate that you want her/him to be able to forgive you and ask if there is anything you can do to help your mate heal and forgive or to make the process easier for them.
Also, don't beat your mate over the head with religious terminology, telling your mate that now that you've asked forgiveness, forgiveness must in fact, be granted. If you tell your mate to forgive, it will only lead to resentment and make it more difficult to forgive you. Be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.
15. Not answering all of your mate's questions.
This is a tricky one. How much information a person needs to heal is best determined by personality type. Some individuals need little information before they come to the point where they have enough to understand what has happened and can move on. Others need massive amounts of data before they feel they understand what has happened. For these individuals, what they don't know truly does hurt them. Usually, what they can imagine is far worse than the reality.
One of the greatest gifts you can give is the gift of answered questions. Tell your mate you'll answer all of the questions, but if you feel your mate is asking questions out of anger and in an attempt to hurt you, then call a time out. Use the 24-hour rule. Tell your mate that you'll give whatever information is needed, but you'd first like for your mate to take 24 hours and pray or think critically about whether she/he really wants that information. Then at the end of 24 hours, if your mate still wants the answer then give it, truthfully and completely with no spinning. Giving your mate the information she or he feels is needed is important because your mate must rewrite the history of your relationship. Moving on will be difficult if not impossible until this task is complete. Don't withhold the information that your spouse will need to move on.
16. Not talking to your mate.
There is more than one way to hurt your mate and being passive aggressive is certainly one of them. It's not uncommon for the unfaithful spouse to be angry about what has happened and how the hurt spouse has responded as a result of the pain. Since it may feel inappropriate for the unfaithful spouse to be upset, and clearly they have no right to be verbally aggressive, some unfaithful spouses choose to hurt their mate by not talking. Both aggression and passive aggression are intended to hurt your mate. Both reveal an absence of love. Give your mate the gift of communication in order to help your mate to heal.
17. Trying to get all of your mate's friends and family on your side.
You might be hoping they will help your mate to "wake up and see reality." Some of your friends may come on board. But that does not mean that your mate will listen. In fact, it’s very common for this strategy to backfire and only increase hostility and resentment towards you. Other friends may believe and reinforce the fact that your spouse is correct in leaving someone so controlling if you try this approach.
18. Believing there is a simple formula or a set course to fix the problem.
It would be nice if there were, but each type of affair has its own set of challenges with a different set of solutions that are not linear or stepwise, and are unique to each situation and couple.
19. Threatening your mate.
In the moment, it may seem that your threats will make your spouse "see the light" and that will convince her/him to "fly right." But it's important to avoid making threats because it generates the false motivations for complying with your wishes.
Threats result in fear, guilt, and shame. While these motivators may serve in the short term to get your mate to follow your desired course of action, they will only be effective as long as these feelings continue to produce pain. Once the fear, guilt and shame wear off, then your mate will lose motivation.
You are far better off being supportive and telling your mate "I hope you choose to stay with me, but I want you to do what God is telling you to do." Coercion from a mate can actually drive your spouse away.
20. Using your children or grandchildren as pawns.
Frequently, this happens in an attempt to manipulate one's mate into staying. But this will only hurt your children. If your mate is determined to leave, forcing or manipulating your mate into staying is neither good nor healthy for your relationship or family.
Conclusion
Having read about these common mistakes, don't feel doomed if you've already committed half or even all of them. That's the point – these are common mistakes. But if you can avoid them in the future, you'll begin to stabilize your relationship and find that you can move forward. Don't give up hope at healing your relationship. You may even consider taking time to apologize to your mate for any or all of these mistakes you’ve committed in the healing process. It will speak volumes to your mate that you’ve come to see how wrong you were and how your choices affected them.