Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Adnyl on December 15, 2014, 07:42:08 AM
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I REALLY need so hope and stories of reconciliation after the OW has your H's baby.
He left in Jan, immediately got her pregnant, she moved in, the baby was born.....I haven't even had time with processing and now it is time for the holidays.
I am not doing well. I am angry, hurt....want to give up my stand and let go. An affair was a mess! A baby!!!!!
HELP!!!!
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I'm so sorry you dealing with this painful experience.
I must say I do not know how I would feel if my H had brought a baby into the mix.
I can assure you, this is a crazy time.
The only bit of advice I can give you, is read the articles and blog posts, let your lbser friends support you, and keep things in mlc perspective.
Read read read....
It saved my marriage and my sanity.
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Same here. Ow is pregnant and holding the baby against my h. It can be done you just have to be able to handle it. My h and I have a plan in place in case he ends up coming back. It will be hard but it can happen. I would also love to hear some other stories on how to handle this as well.
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I am sorry, on top of MLC and the destruction of our families, that is just an added kick to the gut. For me that was the final straw.
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Adnyl,
Hugs and strength sending your way.
I am sorry that you have this pain.
Please just talk on here as much as you need to. We are all here for you.
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If the OW is only using the baby to trap him, there is a chance that if he leaves her, she would not want the child. If that happens (and because you are hoping for a reconciliation), are you able to raise the kid as your own? I know of people who have done it.
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Adnyl you will be okay. Don't worry about standing for h, just focus on you and your recovery. It will be a long messy road yet for you both. You need to be strong and standing on your own two feet to deal with whatever the outcome maybe. My ex had a baby with OW too. They ended up getting married, will it last? I think she did this on purpose and ex did what he thought he should do. He has turned into a miserable man I have nothing to do with him. The hurt will be there for a while but it fades...it has been two years for me know. Take care of you and keep your family and friends close.
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Adnyl,
I am so sorry as this is pain like no other. This is the real twist of the knife. My vile H got his creature pregnant and ran away in March. It was born in November and I have no idea what it is.
I was devastated that he did this as he didn't want children when we first got together and when he finally decided he did it was too late for my system. I am now so grateful that we didn't have them.
I don't know if the ow trapped him or if it was part of the deal for them to be together. I don't care which as the result is the same.
Personally I think it was the last thing that these men want but I guess if they hook up with younger women it has to be part of the deal, or a trap.
Mine had bought a sports car as part of MLC and was enjoying pubbing and clubbing like the 25 year old he thought he was. He wanted fun, sex and freedom of his youth. That has come crashing around his ears I assume. He wanted to be the centre of her world and have all of her attention.
You have to just let yourself grieve for a while. It really is so very painful. Please don't put your life on hold waiting for him. The pain does fade I promise. I am lucky to be totally NC and he is not living in the area, as far as I know. His family are banned from mentioning him to me, not that they are that interested. I honestly thought that I would never get over this but I have. It is the final straw for me, he could not have hurt me more if he had stabbed me but he is no one I know or would want to know.
He is actually seen as a huge joke amongst my friends and our old friends. I am learning to laugh at his stupidity but I pity the child with such a selfish and pathetic git for a father and an immoral $l()t for a mother.
You will be OK. I can't see that they can hurt us any more after this! I hope.
Big hugs x
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Gosh I'm so sorry, this a like MLC and then some. We will all support you however we can on here. I've read back through your original thread and your H sounds textbook MLC and confused. My heart goes out to you. I don't have experience of this personally cos My H's OW can't have any more children, although my H is now Stepdad to her four from her ex-H, it absolutely hurts me and our D's that they have this whole new family. This all absolutely sucks. I know detaching is so hard when we know they are 'not right' but please try as much as you can as I really believe that they have to work through this and nothing we say or do gets through to them. I always feel better when I can go without much contact and when info doesn't get fed back to me. Take care xxx
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Adnyl,
Sorry you are going through this; it is terrible to say the least!
I read your post a few days ago and I wanted to respond but needed to think about it from a logical stand point.
What you decide to do is up to you and this community will support you, whatever decision you make; no one will judge you. That being said, here is the blunt reality of this situation:
1) The child, not by the choice of its own, is still the product of an illicit affair
2) The child will always be a reminder of his infidelity and the horrible person who chose to have an affair with your H.
3) Your H is now responsible, at least legally, for this child. That will affect you both should you decide to reconcile & rebuild
4) you have another child (17 y/o) if I remember; this could have negative impact on her as well!
When it comes down to it, you have to decide what you are willing to tolerate and accept. What you are willing to forgive, but most likely, never forget! This is what it really boils down too! If you can accept the above bullets, and move beyond them, then that is up to you!
I know there will be mixed agreement with what I am about to say, but, even though you may want to R & R with your H, you do not have to accept this child in your home. You do not have to accept it in you H's life at all! Yes, he may have to support the child financially, but you do not have to accept it as part of the R&R process if that occurs and you can set those boundaries. It will then be up to him to make a choice.
I personally never had to deal with this; and due to our circumstances, we divorced anyway and I am completely done. However, if she had become pregnant with another man's child; instant deal breaker for me, period! Accepting & caring for step-children from a previous marriage is one thing; an "affair baby" is completely different !!!
Just my $0.02!
DO
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Adnyl I'm so sorry for your situation. I can't even imagine.
That being said, I have some friends in the same situation who reconciled and are parenting the affair child. It hasn't been easy for them, but they are doing very well and she loves the child as well. It is possible.........
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For a long time I thought I was the only one whose spouse has gone on to have a baby with OW. I've noticed there are a few others so thought I'd create a space to talk about it and how this impacts on you.
H did call me about OW expecting and it devastated me because I wasn't able to have children and had endured years of fertility treatment. I know they were about to break up when poof! Suddenly OW was pregnant! Not even totally sure of is H's. Have suggested paternity test but he has ignored that. Baby looks nothing like him or his side of the family. I have not met the baby but his family have, only recently. Baby is 15 months old now. OW doesn't work but wants baby in a crèche full time - says everything! H told me she complains about the baby bt in fact he is very good natured.
So what are your experiences?
- did your MLCer tell you or did you hear from others?
- has your MLCer introduced the baby to you?
- how has it affected you?
- how has it affected your children?
- has it affected your stand?
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Heyyyy my ex as well has a baby with ow !! He never told me about her being pregnant , in fact he told his family when she was already six months pregnant !!!! Sil and I found out on our own when ex monstered out with everyone and friends of ours saw them at hospital!!
I don't believe ex was happy about it , he too had said that he wanted to leave ow. Ow said that it was an accident as she took antibiotics and did not know that pill did not work with antibiotics! I don't believe her but it takes two to tango anyway!
Ex was a monster for quiet a while but than he made the desicion to leave the country and go to ow s motherland justifying himself with the usual lies!!
He now barely calls but all I know is that he s not having it easy ! Whilst there he broke both his arms and baby was born with complications ! He is now giving all his attention to his new family and seems to be acting responsibly towards ow and baby!
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yes my h told me as soon as he found out about it. they were about to break up as well and then boom she's pregnant. we discuss the baby situation quite often. he didn't want to have another kid. he didn't agree to having one with her. he thought she was still on birth control. she uses it to guilt him into staying, she wanted a girl but they are having a boy and she doesn't take very good care of herself. I've told him to not sign anything and get a DNA test to protect himself.
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Wow blackice , the fact he told you as soon as he found out , means he still trusts you!!!!!
I too believe exh did not want baby cause of his reaction he just monstered out toward everything and everyone apart from ow!
I did confront him and told him that we all know that this is not what he wanted and he admitted so! I do believe that he wanted to tell me but couldnot ! Why i don't know.
Ow was very careless during the pregnancy she did not eat well , was riding on their motorino , jumping in the sea , basically just acting like a teen! It did not come as a surprise when the baby was born with complications in her heart.
When the baby was very bad he sent me a text saying: you know I'm feeling guilty cause I was holding back from baby cause I was not giving attention to our d and s! Translation he was blaming the kids indirectly cause he felt nothing for the baby. What's he done about it????? He is now totally ignoring d and s , even more than he was ,and giving all his attention to the little one and focusing on his new family.
Up till now I am still standing but I am doing so for my kids and for my own healing! I do believe that these ow s are very manipulative and masters at getting what they want! When I was 21it would never have crossed my mind to get pregnant in order to trap someone!
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My Ex is thrilled about their baby. In fact he told me he loves OW & intends on marrying her. In fact I think they are engaged even though our divorce is nowhere near being final.
I am not doing well at all. He left me & has the home, the woman, the baby AND the love, acceptance & support of our S22 & D18. They are so happy to see their father happy.
H never told me about the OW pregnancy or the baby, neither did my children. As far as they are all concerned he filed for divorce, our marriage is over, it's none of my business what he does AND I need to move on. I found out about the baby from a bar owner/ mutual friend.
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My friend who has gone through MLC, has had an affair child with OW. He's now back with his wife and just supports the affair child through friends. He doesn't interact with ex-OW anymore.
I have asked his wife how she handles this: she said the baby isn't her problem. Given that answer, I think she's already assured of her current relationship with her husband. Her husband was gone two years, waited for OW to give birth, then went back to his family. He was a clinging boomerang then.
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I love to hear the success stories. I pray a lot that we are one of them. I'd be more than happy to help raise that beautiful blessing. It isn't her fault. I believe the OW who has never been married & lived w her parents saw this as the way out of her house & have it all. I have truly been replaced. My kids tell me she is sweet & they are a real family. No regrets, no second thoughts....just me left behind.
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I have a feeling that's how.mine will happen if h comes back
he doesn't want to have anything to do with the baby or the ow if he leaves. it's sad it comes to that and these kids get caught up in all this.
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Does my H REALLY love the OW? He told my S22 & D19 he does & will marry her some day. That along w a newborn????
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Adnyl so sorry you're going through this. MLC is tough enough without a baby added into it. I would suggest your H thinks he loves OW but is unlikely to remain so. MLC affairs are doomed to fail. Your H is confused and in MLC, more than enough reason to ignore him and focus on you! Like OP says, ignore everything they say and believe half of what they do.
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Adnyl, sorry it is hard but you need to focus on you. He has made a decision and it hurts, hurts bad. It is going to be a very long road, right now we are not a priority in their life. Don't let him mess with your emotions by telling you stuff about OW. Ex left me and was married months after our divorce and there was already a baby. I think he truely believed he loved her and I am sure he still does. Time will tell...she doesn't seem like a very good person and maybe he will tired of her...she is quite extreme. This is something he needed in his life, he was seeking change and upheaval.
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But oh how I wish the story would end with......he regretted it, he was miserable, he realized he gave up the only person who truly loved him. The person who should have hated him, yet loves him still.
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Hi Adnyl,
I hope the story ends like that for you. That he comes out the other side regretting his actions. Only time will tell.
These MICer's having these poor, innocent babies makes me sad. So unnecessary. Birth control is not just the woman's responsibility. These men also need to protect themselves if they don't want kids.
It goes both ways.
Either use protection or get a vasectomy. They can't be trapped that way.
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Hi I have just found out my husband is also expecting a baby with OW this time last year we where expecting our first baby together and over the moon, in less than 12 months he left me with a 4 month old for an 8 week fling, move straight in with her, conceived a baby together less than 3 months later, blackmailed me in to divorcing him as soon as he found out and is now taking me to court over access of our son. Then he casually dropped in to an email as the last sentence that they are expecting in 6 months. I'm totally devastated as I hoped and prayed this woman would never be part of my sons life long term, now I'm not so sure :( :'(
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Wish I could offer you support. My H is still very happy with all his choices. To those of us on the outside looking in, we see the sad, craziness. He however has absolutely no regrets.
I'm so sorry you are are going through this. I keep thinking my H will change his mind or she will leave him. But right now it just keeps moving forward.
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Hi all you wonderful LBS:ers,
I'm not standing anymore, and I am divorced and 100% done. My XH has just recently had a baby with OW, and it all felt surreal at first and still does to some extent. I had stepped down from my stand a few months before the news, but the new baby has still changed everything, not least because it has been a priority for me to ensure XH has a frequent and good relationship with our S10. So, basically, now OW is the mother of my son's only sibling, a baby girl. I am working with myself a lot not to let my anger over XH and OW inpact negatively on either of the children. While I would never take XH back (and thereby put myself in the situation of being this little girl's step mum), I am really trying to practice agape love in relation to her. Have not even seen her yet, only pictures, but keep reminding myself that she is my son's sister and that one day they will hopefully love eachother the way siblings can. I also think that I could not put that little girl through what my son has gone through, and I am not sure it would be good for my son to live through another separation again. I will NOT pretend it's easy though!!!! I have felt anger and grief that I thought was gone coming back, so I am now seeing an IC again since a couple of weeks back, and that helps a lot. That's possibly no advice at all, but just wanted to share. I'm glad this thread exists.
Hugs & strength,
Gx
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Hi Gimlan,
Lovely to hear from you. I admire your grace and maturity so much. I'm still trying to detach fully but am missing my friendship with H. I think a baby would fill me with hurt and anger.
How does your IC help you these days?
Hope your job is going well.
Xx
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This is my worst nightmare with H43 and OW35. I keep telling him he needs to be careful, if she is in her mid thirties she likely wants a baby. At this point given his frame of mind I imagine it would be like a teen pregnancy.
A few years ago he wanted a vascectomy. I desperately wish I had encouraged it!
Hang in therE. 💛
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Hi Hmmm and others! To answer your question quite quickly, I'm seeing a new IC now, one that comes more from a psycho-dynamic and psychoanalytic tradition. I've only seen him twice so far, but we are focussing a lot of me finding my own boundaries, understanding my own feelings and so on, and to recognise anger that is justified (eg of XHs past and present behaviour), what I can learn from it (related to boundaries), but also grief - what I am still grieving (eg sense of belonging to a family unit, both in relation to XH and to my parents' divorce). I'm happy to keep you updated, still early days, but it helps me to structure my thoughts and understand my emotions better. Very pleased with him so far. So, the focus is on me, but aims to help me finding myself in this new situation or something like that.
Hugs & strength,
Gx
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I looked up this thread again as I am now in this position as well. I had been warned about this by my lawyer and so was prepared when he told me. I felt this was 100 percent predictable.
I am curious how this goes, but reading through, it sounds like it can go a lot of different ways, just as with any MLC. I would caution anyone, though, about discussing the baby with the MLCer. I was told not to do this, and it has helped me a lot emotionally — despite his attempts to engage me in a discussion (and OW's attempts to contact me).
I would be interested from others who have gone through this to know how a baby can affect the MLC trajectory. Can it shock them out of it? Does it mark the beginning of the end of replay? Does the MLCer get more sucked into his other life? How does this impact his relationship with existing children?
By the way, an interesting article about pregnant affair partners by Andrew Marshal, who has some excellent books on infidelity and relationships:
http://andrewgmarshall.com/my-husband-cheated-and-had-a-child/
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Although still not divorced......
The first baby with the OW is 22 months. The next one is due any day. My MLCER has never looked baby. It seems the first one trapped him and now the second one has locked him in.
I'd love to hear stories about coming back and saving a marriage after 2 kids. But it seems my H has truly moved on.
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Adnyl, I'm so sorry. Have you filed?
I read through your story a little, and I'm so sorry. I can't imagine knowing the OW is living in my own home.
Do you have the ability to initiate the divorce yourself and move away? This sounds like such a painful situation, one you certainly don't deserve.
Big hug to you.💛
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Thank you.
Yes, just like many of us, it's a pain we never imagined and wonder when it will end.
My H filed 3 years ago. We have signed an agreement. Unfortunately due to this divorce and my financial difficulties, I had to file for bankruptcy, along wirh working 3 jobs. The divorce can't be finalized until all my debts are discharged. It will happen by the end of the year.
Then I imagine, just when we should be celebrating our 25th, he and OW will be celebrating baby #2.
I keep thinking at his age, he should have so many regrets about a new family. I keep thinking the karma bus should have stopped for them long ago. But nope....he is moving happily along in our house, with our neighbors, redoing things I always wanted to, going on vacations, buying her new cars...and it goes on and on.
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Adnyl, I'm so sorry. It doesn't seem right that things would end so unequally in a divorce where the couple had been married for so long.
If there is any way possible, try not to find out too much about him. It will make you feel worse, and there is nothing you can do about it, unfortunately.
Big hug.💛
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Big hugs to those of you who are going through this! It was hard for me even though I had already decided not to stand. I have moved on and reached acceptance about the new situation -- and I'm happier in my life and new R than I can remember ever having been. I feel for you and not least for the children who are brought into the world this way, as well as their already existing siblings. I guess there is not one right way to deal with this, except from trying to solve the situation in a way that tries not to add more harm to the kids regardless or not we want a reconciliation or not. In my case, we have reached a situation where S is now happy about being a big brother and feels part of XH's and OW's new family and I'm trying to support him the best I can in his new role.
Hugs & strength,
Gimlan x
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Hi I have not been on here for quiet a while!!!
My feelings with regards to what happens to the mlcer after baby is that he gets stuck ....or at least mine is in fact he still thinks s7 is still 4 !!! He most certainly seems to be doing right by ow and the baby ...got himself a job ,stopped his substance abuse ,stopped smoking ,turned vegitarian and is being very stable towards them ......when it comes to me and the kids he still is not stable with contact or child support! I have asked for no contact as I really can t take his bs anymore and i wonder at how others mange not to show anger towards the mlcer (how I wish i could remain calm) . I guess i am as stuck as he is right in the middle of wanting to move on and hoping for a return !!!! I am sorry for all who r going through this its just one punch after another :'( :'(