Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: bookwrmmom on February 02, 2015, 07:36:09 AM
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So I asked another HS friend this last night, and I have had to ask myself this very difficult question. When we are so desperately wanting to reconcile/restore our marriage is it because we love our spouse? So I have asked myself (a while back) and not all of you what your take on this is.
Here is mine: I will always love the man he used to be, but somewhere along the way (probably longer then I care to think about) he stopped being that man. Yes there were things about him that showed that parts of that man still existed, but it came out when he wanted it to. One thing all of us LBS have is time. Time for reflection and looking back WITHOUT the rose colored glasses on. It takes a while after BD for those rose colored glasses to come off, because we tend to DEFEND the person who has so brutally betrayed us. I also loved being married, and taking care of my family (although I lost myself along the way). But I can honestly say that the man that he was for a year (and he seems to be getting his mind back some-but too soon to tell), HELL no I don't love that man at all. It took me a while to realize that because as most of our MLCer's do, he showed me glimpses of the old H (cycling).
So my friends something to think about and reflect on. Don't answer to quickly, unless you have been at this a while and really know the answer.
Also there is no right or wrong answer, because even if you are a stander love something that can come back (with work, effort, and time). I ask this question because I do think that there are some of us that need to really think about what you are fighting for (I stopped months ago).
Thanks for any input.
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Even now, while she's going through this crisis, I feel my wife is the most interesting woman I have ever known and I can't imagine a future without her in it. Of course I'm still relatively new at this with just 7 months since BD. The thing is, I recognized she had her faults prior to BD and I loved her anyway. Now I see some of those same faults but they've been magnified. My daughter has told me I deserve more but my wife is the woman I want to be with. I like to think that she may come out of this a better person and that she will want to be with me then. I know I'm not in love because that implies infatuation which indicates you don't see their faults. So I'll take two out of three, I love my wife and I love the person she used to be and I also hope to be allowed to love the person she becomes.
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book, I do think it is love, but that love will always be there, regardless of the outcome, I think. It is hard when those sentiments are not reciprocated by the MLCer. There comes a time when your empty "love tank" need to be gradually refilled and the spouses are not that resource. Time to think about and evaluate the future and what lies ahead.
I know in my case, my W hasn't the "foggiest" idea of how to even approach this at this time. But it is not my job to guide her in a direction. She has to put the effort forward. She is of free will and an adult capable of making decisions and mistakes.
I, on the other hand, want to begin and continue living life to the fullest. Too bad my love can't be shared with the one who stole my heart 21 years ago!
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I also think you left out an option--are you in love with the idea of a better future? I can look back on my M and know that my H never became the man I thought he was, but I never gave up hope that he would. As I see him now, he is still that man, and I don't see him changing. So I am lucky he gave me an out.
In my case, I fell in love with a man who had big dreams and so much potential. What I thought was that one day we would achieve "enough" and be happy. What I didn't know was that NOTHING was ever going to be enough. If I had known more, I would have seen it in his parents, but I was too young and too green to understand that some people are never satisfied--and I was marrying one... So, until I let go, what I most missed was what I HOPED FOR. But in reality, that dream was likely never going to be realized.
Now I have a BETTER. I have ME and my happiness, my ability to be content with my lot in life and only choose people who feel the same way--people who see me as enough, just the way I am, not the way I could/should/might be and then always be disappointed. Just a thought, ll
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This is a hard one. The pain is palatable, but at this point I'm not sure. I know that he's in there somewhere, but keeps insisting on a divorce.
Monster likes head games. So, do I love the "kid" he is now? Can't say that I do. H is a selfish, spoiled, arrogant, cocky, egotisitical, snot nosed, teenaged brat.
Even when he's cycling I can't trust him. So I'm not really sure of anything , at this point. Don't really know how I feel these days either, to be brutally honest. What I do know is that the irrationality and craziness of it all is not my burden to bear, but I and my girls, are bearing it anyway. Thank God for self love, and the love of my girls. That helps my emotional tank stay somewhat full.
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Well book, that is a tough question and one I've thought about many, many times. I still don't have the answer to it.
Of course I loved my h very much. But while going through this I too have had to take off those rose colored glasses and get real with myself.
I think loving what we once had is a big yes for me. Loving him is also a yes, but it's not the same as before. I love him in that I don't want him to have pain (except for the boot I'd like to plant somewhere on him) or be sad, or get hurt. Things like that.
But I don't love him like my closest friend ever, the one I trusted. Not like a partner anymore. Not that close relationship where you don't even have to speak sometimes, you just communicate with a look or a smile. I don't know if that will ever return.
So I guess I love h in a different way, not like a husband and miss what we had. I haven't figured out if I miss what we had more than I miss loving h the way I used to.
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Heres a thought. It took me a good couple of years to fall out of love with my h even in the face of a man i thought was being ugly from the inside out. H on the other hand on the surface managed it pretty damn quickly.
Goes to show how far gone they actually are at bd. They are definitely out of love with you at that point and i have just said it takes us a good couple of years to catch up !
What is love anyway, really, we all have a different definition and what it means to us.
Sd
X
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Thanks everyone for your responses so far, and reading them also makes me come to more realizations. I have dear friends and family who don't understand why I am treating H with so much kindness right now. Even though I see our marriage as over, I guess the real answer is love. I loved him too hard and too long to not TRY to end this chapter of our lives together in as good a way as I can. What good could possibly come from me treating him with hostility, or any other negative emotion? Does he deserve it? Most others would likely say yes, but at the end of the day I have to live with the choices I make. I will say that I do not trust him, and keep waiting for the monster to return (I have told him this). He promises me he will not ever be ugly with me again. Only time will tell.
So yes I do still feel love for him. I don't wish him harm, but I am not in love with him anymore.
LL you made a really good point. Many times we see the potential in the people we love, and have a hard time when they do not fulfill that potential.
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Things do change as time passes. I feel like I've nearly come full circle with all the choices. I went from in love after BD to realizing I'd put her on a pedestal. I think a lot of us do after BD, only seeing the good things and also out of desperation at the time.
Then it was loving what used to be. Memories. Once again, only seeing the good ones.
Then it changed to love, out of respect for all of the above mentioned. But as already said, not like I would with a close partner. I share (and receive) more intimacy with others which I wouldn't be comfortable doing with W. She stepped all over my feelings for a long time and I don't trust her with them.
It seems like I'm somewhere in between love and the next step in the cycle, which might be like something like maybe we could be friends...at best.
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Love what we had.
We had a great run for 15 years but now there is plainly too much damage done. Really is true that ignorance is bliss. Now that I know the depth of the disrespect and selfishness shown my family AND OM family, sadly logic overrode the love. Idealistically would be great to reunite family. Reality is no. Have to live the reality to move forward.
If I can get myself straight with being able to trust someone again, I look forward to building something better and real in the future. Good to know I'm human and I do feel both the bad and the good of life. I trust I'm going to be just fine in the right time and place. Its been a growing experience for me and I want that part to always move forward.
I am kind to xw, just like any other stranger. (That is so weird to say but is so very true)
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It seems like I'm somewhere in between love and the next step in the cycle, which might be like something like maybe we could be friends...at best.
MN I feel kind of like this, but then I think that none of my friends would do the truly horrible things to me that H did. He truly went nuts, and I think now he knows it. He called today about misc. BS and I swear it sounds like he misses his best friend. Well he had a damn good best friend, and he $hit all over her. I don't need that kind of friendship, but I just don't have it in me to treat him badly. I am tired, and just want peace and happiness in my life.
I look forward to building something better and real in the future. Good to know I'm human and I do feel both the bad and the good of life. I trust I'm going to be just fine in the right time and place. Its been a growing experience for me and I want that part to always move forward.
Sleepless ^^^^ ditto what you said!
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Heres a thought. It took me a good couple of years to fall out of love with my h even in the face of a man i thought was being ugly from the inside out. H on the other hand on the surface managed it pretty damn quickly.
Goes to show how far gone they actually are at bd. They are definitely out of love with you at that point and i have just said it takes us a good couple of years to catch up !
I have to admit I still love my H the same as ever (BD April 2014), I don't like him very much (lol) but I still feel romantic love for him. I found SD's quote interesting cos obviously some of them do come back. I'm assuming for the ones that do that their feelings hadn't so much changed as they'd buried them for whatever reason to go off and explore 'the grass is greener' with the OP. I genuinely think my H did still have romantic love for me til he started chatting online with OW, I think he does still love me in that way and that when he comes out of his crisis it will hit him hard. In the meantime I am hoping my feelings for him will wane and then it wont all be quite so painful. I really don't like the person he currently is. OW is welcome to him! :)
Take care everyone xx
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I still love my h.At times I could not feel my love for because all I could feel is all consuming pain.There has been times when I prayed that God would take my love away from me because I really did not want to love him anymore. There has been times where I have felt like a fool to love him.My heart has been crushed and my love rejected yet it still goes on loving him.My love has been tryed, tested and proven to be true. I have learn to give grace and mercy that goes beyond forgiveness.I understand that his crisis is about him and not about me.l am learning not to take it personal.I Stand because I made a promise to God and to him to love him for better and for worse. The only way out of the promise is one of us has to die. I am learning to love without asking anything in return. So many times love is based on what can I get out of and when there is nothing or it gets hard we bail. That is not true love.True never gives up.It never fails. It holds no record of wrong. True love is not easy..but it is what we all need.
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I still love my H. I know I always will even if we never get back together. I try to suppress my love and sometimes I can and other times I just feel overwhelmed by it.
He came round Sunday and took me shopping and to the dump to throw some old saucepans away and he was walking back to the car and I was sitting in it and I looked at him and realised that he had aged and my heart went out to him and at that moment I felt love for him. He is so familiar to me and I find it comforting to be with him. That is why it hurts so much.
He thinks he is in love with OW and maybe he is. When I found out about the affair he tried to end it with her and I saw tears in his eyes when I asked him how he was. I think he genuinely believes it is love and what worries me is if it is. I know he misses me and I think he has some form of love for me. He does not find me attractive anymore so maybe that in itself should tell me that any love he does have is not very deep. I think if you truly love someone then no matter how much they may have aged over the years or lost their looks, they would still be attractive to you. Love is blind as they say.
Hope everyone is ok. Thick snow in the south of England now.
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Hi Hopeful2
Your post was beautiful.
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I think I love H, I love the man he was (which was the best he could be under the circumstances ) and I love the man he could be from what I have seen in him even under these horrible circumstances. I just am not in love with him because "in love" is active and present. He is neither right now.
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Howmanytimes
Thank you...I don't think they are able to love they while they are in MLC. What he thinks
feels for the ow is selfish lust. She is meeting a need he has at the moment.When she no longer can meet that need he will be done with her.He can not see past himself to love anyone right now.You're right that with true love you grow even more beautiful to them no matter how you look on the outside.
Hugs
Hopeful 2
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I still love my man. I was well on my way of talking myself out of it when his aunt told me what it was like to be in a depression, as that is what she believes has been his problem for most of his adult life. I decided then that I can't turn my back on him.
I picture myself as the one sitting at the edge of his hole, holding the lantern while he digs his hole deeper. He pops his head out once in a while to see if I am still sitting there and then goes back to digging. Right now, I have the easier gig. I just have to keep the lantern lit....and since I still love him, the light still shines bright. I also think that if he didn't still love me, he'd have thrown more dirt my way and buried my lantern by now.