Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: riverbirch on March 02, 2015, 11:27:38 AM
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I'm sure we've all got them. TRIGGERS!
Mine
New clothes or shoes. Hey I know we all need them at some point,but that's what set off this discussion. He bought two new pairs of pants,one was a pair of plain jeans,the other some khakis,a new polo shirt,nothing fancy and some black,plain dress shoes. So he can look professional when he does this new career thing..Simple things right unless you're one of us. Well he wore the shoes today instead of his boots today to class. That's all it took.
Then there's the whitening toothpaste,and mouth wash stuff that goes with it because he doesn't like his teeth that look like corn kernels. He's also mentioned implants and said I should check it out too. Again simple things rights? We both have crappy teeth.
Then there's facebook,cell phones,computers. The typical thing. Motorcycles, Viagra and Cialis commercials, dating site commercials,certain restaurants he doesn't know I know about, hair coloring for men,pool halls,campers and I'm sure there are more.
I am learning to ignore as much as possible but sometimes it just sneaks up and bites me in the butt.
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It isn't easy to get passed the triggers when you are still dealing with the Mlcer..
Once you get away from them you start healing from all of this.
I am still triggered by a few things. And I'm almost 2 years of no contact.
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I was with my wife for 36 years. Just about everything from when I wake to when I go to sleep are triggers. I could give you a list of the worst triggers but it would be a very long list. The very worst triggers right now are going to the mailbox (don't want to hear from divorce lawyer) and the thought of her driving in the driveway. And I unfriended her on FB and she recently blocked me, yet I still can't stand going on FB.
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Coconuts. Coconut is one of my favorite flavors and I used to tease my youngest daughter that she was beyond nuts, she was coconuts, and it just kind of stuck. When I found all the inappropriate texts between crazy eyes and his boss lady, he had changed her contact name in his phone to "coconuts". My special nickname for our daughter. Now anytime I see a coconut anything, my stomach drops out my knees.
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For me it is music. The first thing I noticed with my H was his complete change of music that still sets me off.
He started listening to hard rock music I always liked but he hated...just noise to him. He would sit on the computer for hours downloading music like from Disturbed or Godsmack. Songs about dividing or wild women in bars...dragging a guy from the bar to the her back seat of her car.
It was so unnerving from a man who loved 70's music and country.
He is back to that kind of music now but occasionally he will buy a song that sets me off.
Latest was a few day ago. Mississippi Moonshine by Saving Abel.
I've been watching you,
And your intentions to
Get me out on the floor
Undress me with your eyes
To see a sweet surprise
I know I've been here before
You think I'm runnin across the room
Just to be by your side
You gotta another thing comin
Cause I'm not runnin
Just to wait and stand
Next in line
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I changed the music I listen to entirely from what the ex thought EVERYBODY should listen to. It helped a lot. I don't run a FAN anymore to SLEEP..that drove me nuts for 32 years. Certain make cars trip triggers. I still can't STAND the smell or possibly eating Chinese food. Names sometimes trip triggers.
How people treat me if it reminds me of the way he did? I have a tough time holding my anger. I put up with a woman for 5 months at work and finally told her the other night she is a b*tch.
She said " WELL maybe I'll stop talking to you then" and I said to her " THAT would be GREAT!"
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I have so many.
Trigger - the new clothes he bought while away
Dealing - I throw one thing away a week. I figure h won't notice. Lol. I know it's wrong but I can't stop myself.
T - big 4x4 trucks
D- at first I'd cry every time I saw one. Now I just flirt with every guy in one.
T - certain tv shows
D- I rarely watch tv anymore
T- country music
D- I refuse to listen to it
T- the name sherry
D- anything that has that name gets tossed out immediately. I threw away a prized Louis lamore book of his because that name was in it. Yes h is aware I did that. Lol
T - his phones
D- I'm not sure if I'm actually dealing with it so much as ignoring it
And the list goes on. But it's better than when all this started. I've made different things my interests and my own now so slowly those other things are taking a backseat and the triggers are getting easier well some of them.
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My triggers are music he likes. Also meeting couples married for over 20 yrs makes me get twisted in knots. I meet them all the time at my new job. Rich retirees married over 20 yrs buying homes in cash. They have all the things I have lost: my marriage, my money, my security. Other triggeRe: wine bc he is a wine snob. His friends on FB are triggers. Hence I just deleted a bunch of them. Wedding bands are also a trigger bc I look down and realize mine is missing. Sucks Triggers suck
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Big white trucks...this is new to me & them things are freakin' everywhere!
His sport teams...there's a sweatshirt that is one of these viral sale things that I really want to buy for him. I should just buy it and get it over with & even if I didn't give it to him that $40 would keep me from wondering if I should do it or not.
Being in town on a Fri or Sat night... I miss our date nights.
Antique shops...this one is getting better as I go with the kids now.
People holding hands or walking arm in arm...we always walked arm in arm.
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For probably close to two years I couldn't watch any sort of intimacy on TV or in movies. Felt so stupid - I mean, what does that leave? Frat house comedies and Judge Judy? ;D ;D ;D I was never a prude but the infidelity has hit me like a ton of bricks and just changed me. But I have noticed recently, 3.5 years in, I'll get through a show or a movie and realize that I didn't get triggered, so I guess some healing has happened at a subconscious level. I didn't try to push my way through it but I didn't want to wallow, either.
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I just got a TV about a month ago after not having one for almost two years..even commercials were tripping triggers.. ::) The news is mostly fear based and negative..but I really like The Big Bang Theroy.
My uncle had a car the same year, make, model and color as the ex..if you don't think that didn't set me off when I saw it? My heart actually felt like it was going to stop. I'm happy he traded that in.
Sorry about those big white trucks Patience..sometimes these things were there all the time we just took no notice of them.
I recently bought a silver car..and when I park in the parking lot at work I have trouble finding it..I never knew just how many silver cars there are! LOL!
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I couldn't watch any films or TV that contained sex, romance, anything to do with relationships. I'm more or less ok now, tho it's been 2.5 years! I still get the odd email from a hotel we visited many years ago, for a long time it was a big trigger now it reminds me of happy times. Other triggers: a certain female name. Ireland, Irish accent, Bristol, babies, wedding rings. Songs by Oasis. Time helps, plus detachment.
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Still can't watch much tv. News is too darn negative,home shows bother me now that we've lost our house due to this,nothing kissy,kissy. So what's left? Cooking shows sometimes,cartoons when the gs watches tv and the Walking Dead. That was even a hard one to watch. When it first came on we watched it together,then he couldn't for some stupid reason,then I started again. Mostly no interest in much anyway.
Understandable on the whole vehicle thing. Every time I would see a truck go by with a camper on it forget it. The whole anxiety think over the roof. Of course that's the place I caught them together so yeah that blew the whole camping thing.
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Yep..the ex watched the Walking Dead..I think it sucks.
When I got this cable put in the agent asked me "Don't you want the channel that has the Walking Dead?" I said "No I don't watch that $h!te either!" She was laughing her ass off after that phone call.
Cooking shows are good! I like PBS too. ANYTHING FUNNY!
Had a problem with RV's for a while as that's what the ex bought to put the exow's sorry ass in when she sold her house. Even TV commercials set my oldest D off.
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Trigger: xW voice, she has a lovely telephone voice and had a way of finishing a phone conversation with a whispered husky “Byee”. So I don’t speak to on the phone, actually I don’t speak to her at all. D13 copies her mother with this “Byee” so I have to tell her to stop it.
Trigger: xW, she is not one of these MLC’er who has let herself go, in fact she really takes care of her appearance and looks good. So I avoid being in her proximity, and I even avoid looking out of the window when she parks outside to pick up D13.
So xW is my trigger and I am No Contact with her.
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Yep those kids do end up copying what the Mlcer says..the email I got from my oldest D sounded just like him!
I thought he had gotten ahold of her computer but it was too well written. ::)
I have certain endearments people use towards me that I have some trouble with. Some phrases I see written.
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Triggers just run end to end for me all day and night . He is a trigger . His hands are a huge trigger . His truck , especially if the passenger seat has been moved . Beauty salons , movies are almost unbearable, all the boxes still in the garage ( i close my eyes ), car pools along the highway. Any sex jokes . Anything that appears to be a form of rejection. My wedding rings ( not on my hands,, sitting on his dresser. Showers ( he showered with her ), sexual advances towards me when i am dressed and he unbuttons etc etc... so triggerred by that. His "silence " is a trigger. Believe me... I could go on. However, the worst is what I do to myself and what I know happened. I know , he packed his bags with all the clean laundry and ironed shirts and went to a hotel. I know , I washed it all when he came back . I know he did that. It is hard to explain.. they are not tangible things... but we all know that passion , dopamine and adrenaline involved in new sex adventure .. I see that in the movie in my brain . And I just do not want to play anymore . I cannot top any of that . Soo... triggers are winning just now , I have no way to effectively deal with them , unless i stay so busy and preoccuppied that I avoid then . As soon as I stopped being "busy : I am slammed by them again. Cruel thing to do to your wife.
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Songs, especially country music as that's what she played him in MY car on their first "date". H hates country music btw. I had recorder hidden.
Restaurants that I found receipts for, that used to be "our" restaurants.
Camero's, especially grey ones.
Women that giggle like little girls. Again something I heard on the tape recorder.
Kay's Jewelers commercials - H bought OW an engagement ring. He forgets I get all the alerts to our credit reports. OW got mad at him and threw the receipt in his truck, dang why not put the ring in there!
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Music can be another one for me if he's listening to it on his computer,sitting by himself. He used to post certain songs on his Facebook page. There's one certain metallic song I hate too. Patty Smythe, Evanescence, most Link in Park and I actually liked them. Hate them all.
The name Tammy or Therese. Yeah that's fun since my sister's name is Theresa! Try working for a monogramming department and getting one of those names.
Axe stink spray for men or anything like it. I hate that crap and the commercials for it.
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Triggers just run end to end for me all day and night . He is a trigger . His hands are a huge trigger . His truck , especially if the passenger seat has been moved . Beauty salons , movies are almost unbearable, all the boxes still in the garage ( i close my eyes ), car pools along the highway. Any sex jokes . Anything that appears to be a form of rejection. My wedding rings ( not on my hands,, sitting on his dresser. Showers ( he showered with her ), sexual advances towards me when i am dressed and he unbuttons etc etc... so triggerred by that. His "silence " is a trigger. Believe me... I could go on. However, the worst is what I do to myself and what I know happened. I know , he packed his bags with all the clean laundry and ironed shirts and went to a hotel. I know , I washed it all when he came back . I know he did that. It is hard to explain.. they are not tangible things... but we all know that passion , dopamine and adrenaline involved in new sex adventure .. I see that in the movie in my brain . And I just do not want to play anymore . I cannot top any of that . Soo... triggers are winning just now , I have no way to effectively deal with them , unless i stay so busy and preoccuppied that I avoid then . As soon as I stopped being "busy : I am slammed by them again. Cruel thing to do to your wife.
Oh, barbiedoll :( I'm so sorry.
((hug))
It is cruel.
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Breakfast. I have a hyper-real visual memory of BD, though I can't remember many of H's actual words (all too painful, thank you hippocampus for blocking this). H started his speech while I was eating a bowl of cereal and milk, getting ready for work. I just sat there like zombie. So did the cereal. I dumped it in the disposer several hours later, when I could move again. Even now I can't sit in that place to eat my breakfast, and I snarf it fast because soggy cereal is a trigger, and so is just talking with my H during breakfast.
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When H uses 'k' instead of 'ok' when texting. Sounds so teenage and reminds me of when he was with her. I asked him not to do it.
When he writes Fark!! Instead of the other word. This is because he once told me his plane was delayed and used that word to express his frustration. It wasn't delayed at all.
When he drinks a lot - everything he has ever done to break us was started when he was drunk.
Phones face down - even by accident. He is mindful of it now.
Names that have anything to do with Rose.
Movies/shows that glorify cheating.
Taylor Swift - D13 loves her but she just reminds me of OW - uggh
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My church and the worship team which both ow where on and the last one is still on.(we still attend that church)rosesTeddy bears .my first wedding ring set.Wal mart.diamond heart necklaces.cell phones.roller skates.My favorite things h turned into triggers.
I found the more you face the triggers and work through the pain the less affect they have on you.Every Sunday I had the ow and h in the same church for the last seven years .My h had two affairs with sisters that go to our church.I finally got over the first affair and I found out about the second one.It would have been easier to go to another church but that church is my family. I felt God really wanted me to stay and face it.At first I thought it was going to kill me the pain was so bad. Plus the shame of the whole church knowing.They support me and with God's help I worked thought the pain to healing ,on the first one still working on the second one.
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For probably close to two years I couldn't watch any sort of intimacy on TV or in movies. Felt so stupid - I mean, what does that leave? Frat house comedies and Judge Judy? ;D ;D ;D I was never a prude but the infidelity has hit me like a ton of bricks and just changed me. But I have noticed recently, 3.5 years in, I'll get through a show or a movie and realize that I didn't get triggered, so I guess some healing has happened at a subconscious level. I didn't try to push my way through it but I didn't want to wallow, either.
Cooking shows work...we rarely watched those so they are safe to watch.
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We have to get through them eventually.
Over ten years ago we went through crap including my own crisis,his revenge / feel better affair. I had major triggers then too. Our house was a big one. We were separated and I got kicked out. He lived there. When we started getting back together ,going home for me was awful. Just driving through our town was a nightmare and forget downtown where he's favorite skank hole bar was. Music was a big one too. Slowly though I told myself to get through it. Not let them win. I managed it then except for the bar. I hate saying this but I used to wish the place would burn to the ground.
Things are different now though. This hurt is deeper than that time in my life and that was pretty awful. I thought that was the worse time in my life. Boy was I ever wrong.
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know what you mean RB as my h had that affair all those years ago left me and son in council house while he bought the house that I now own (he lived in it for a year on his own) karma there maybe but we made it our home for 20 years
never thought he would hurt me againa nd this is the worst thing that anyone can inflict on their wife husband partner .
triggers for me music , going past places where we used to go . sorting through things in the loft (all his stuff and our personal stuff we sent to each other is still there he asked me to give him it againthe other day as if it means something ??
silly things like email from solicitor, also stupid thing really a well known brand of sauces has changed and has the name (spit spit) Maria on the end of it and that triggers for me.
h gone as vanihser again now contacted couple of weeeks ago after 6wks no contact then had car accident last weeks son tweeted as he was with me , h contacted and rang very concerned offer of payment towards car again then about sentimental things and his surround sound ? then NOTHING again
when does it stop :-(