Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: OldPilot on March 27, 2015, 05:23:37 AM
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New thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6213.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6195.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6145.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6104.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6085.0
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I love the fact that OP keeps breaking the rules about thread length that he came up with. Jk, buddy. LOL!
I'll keep the MLC car convo from the last thread going and will share that my modern MLC car would be either a Dodge Challenger Hellcat or one of the new Corvette ZO6s. One is a 4-door sedan that can do 200 mph, and the other is just completely badass in every way. My retro MLC car would be if I could fix up the '84 Mustang GT I still own (first car) and really deck it out. That's on my bucket list of things to do once I'm financially stable enough to spend thousands on restoring a car (come on, lottery!).
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I love the fact that OP keeps breaking the rules about thread length that he came up with. Jk, buddy. LOL!
Just to clarify they are RCR's rules - I am just tasked with enforcing them. :)
I would have made a comment how pilots always follow the rules but
today that does not seem like a good idea.
Any comments about Depression being linked to the air crash of the german aircraft?
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I believe depression played a part, but I suspect there was much more to it than that. Committing suicide is one thing but committing suicide and knowingly taking 149 other people with you is something else entirely. My suspicion based on what I've read so far is that he was likely suffering from bipolar disorder with psychotic symptoms or some other reality-altering condition. He took extreme lengths to carry out his act and put safeguards in place to keep others from being able to stop him. Definitely not the pattern of someone who is simply suffering from depression in my experience.
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The news is now saying that the co pilot suffered from depression.
It is very clear (as we are all so painfully aware) that abnormal brain activity can be devastating. In this case unfortunately, way too many people died and way too many people will carry the pain of the loss of their loved ones forever because one man had a mental disorder.
The co-pilots neighbors are in disbeleif and have said that he was a nice young man.
To me, this speaks volumes about MLC as well as anyone of us could be prone to a mental health issue that has catastrophic results. Why he couldn't have just killed himself without having to kill so many is beyond my comprehension. :'(
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This is a good descriptor of what bipolar mania can do to a person's perceptions and thinking.
False euphoria is the beginning stage of true bipolar disorder. Behavior is similar to that seen with drug use, a cocaine-like high. People with euphoric mania say they feel great/wonderful/beautiful/fantastic, but make many mistakes such as recklessly spending too much money, having sex with anyone who looks appealing, sleeping a lot less and not getting tired and ultimately making very poor life decisions.
It's common for people with full-blown euphoric mania to stay up for weeks, start very risky businesses or simply pick up and leave their current life. Euphoric mania can be very cruel and selfish as the emphasis is strictly on the person with bipolar. The person can be extremely reckless and unable to judge the safety or effect of their behaviors. There will be rapid and sometimes violent mood swings, rage alternating with maniacal laughter.
This type of mania can lead to a lot of drug and alcohol use as the person feels so good they lose perspective on the amount they consume. Euphoric mania always starts out feeling great, but ultimately the person comes down and often sees a path of destruction that is hard to clean up.
Bipolar patients have difficulty seeing that their behavior is out of line in an acute manic episode. The massive high, which seems abnormal to us, seems normal to them, and there is an unfortunate tendency to self medicate.
At more extreme levels, up to 70% of people in a manic state and 50% of all individuals with bipolar disorder experience psychosis, or a break with reality, along with loss of ability to reason. Of this 70%, over half are euphoric psychotic manias, which are particularly difficult to diagnose as they can be so appealing and fun to the people around the manic person. Manic behavior attracts people who want to join in on the ride.
Left unmedicated, people experiencing bipolar psychosis will resist treatment, as they are convinced nothing is wrong with them, they are sure of their reasoning and enjoy the high.
During a manic episode, the person's behavior feels "right," obvious and makes very clear sense, even if it makes no sense to those around the patient or is extremely risky. After the manic episode has run its course, it may be possible for the patient to see how unrealistic, unreal and out-of-touch with reality they were, but this isn't possible during a manic episode.
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My D18 suffers from bi-polar disorder. This is one of the reasons H left, he couldn't deal with it at all, his perfect little D wasn't perfect, and left me to pick up the pieces. I can tell you she is the most gentle person, she cried when I threw a snail out into the street..there is no difinitive diagnosis, I have lived with her condition for now 5+ years..They are NOT violent people, let me jujst tell you all this. I am living it daily.
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I am sure MOST bi-polar's are not violent 1Cor. Nobody is blaming this young man for having a condition, what we are trying to do is make people AWARE of these conditions. When we are aware we realize there is NOTHING TO HIDE. Perhaps if this young man had not felt he needed to HIDE this condition, 149 people would be alive TODAY!
Depression, bi-polar, mental illness NEEDS to be exposed. People need not be ASHAMED of having such a condition. Instead, they SHOULD be able to talk openly and educate others. Get and maintain the proper "treatment" for themselves and openly discuss it with others.
Let's eliminate the "STIGMA" that seems to accompany any "hint" of psychological problems.
Hugs Stayed
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I am sure MOST bi-polar's are not violent 1Cor. Nobody is blaming this young man for having a condition, what we are trying to do is make people AWARE of these conditions. When we are aware we realize there is NOTHING TO HIDE. Perhaps if this young man had not felt he needed to HIDE this condition, 149 people would be alive TODAY!
Depression, bi-polar, mental illness NEEDS to be exposed. People need not be ASHAMED of having such a condition. Instead, they SHOULD be able to talk openly and educate others. Get and maintain the proper "treatment" for themselves and openly discuss it with others.
Let's eliminate the "STIGMA" that seems to accompany any "hint" of psychological problems.
Hugs Stayed
AMEN to that!
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Well one can only hope a tragedy like this one can shed some light on the subject. It's just really sad that something has to happen like this for mental illness to get attention.
The same thing happened with Domestic Violence..(the football player and subject) that got national (possibly international) attention..
More of a womans issue..a matter of what is allowed contunues.
Still floors me how people say "Why didn't she just leave? Instead of asking
"Why does he do this?"
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I am sure MOST bi-polar's are not violent 1Cor. Nobody is blaming this young man for having a condition, what we are trying to do is make people AWARE of these conditions. When we are aware we realize there is NOTHING TO HIDE. Perhaps if this young man had not felt he needed to HIDE this condition, 149 people would be alive TODAY!
Depression, bi-polar, mental illness NEEDS to be exposed. People need not be ASHAMED of having such a condition. Instead, they SHOULD be able to talk openly and educate others. Get and maintain the proper "treatment" for themselves and openly discuss it with others.
Let's eliminate the "STIGMA" that seems to accompany any "hint" of psychological problems.
Hugs Stayed
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I agree! Unfortunately, our society treats mental illness very suspiciously. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked things like, does your daughter hear voices? Are you scared of her? etc..(Of course she has none of those symptoms/tendencies). Only the very smallest percentage of people on the planet are capable of doing what this co-pilot did, it is beyond tragic..evil is also alive and well in this world. There does need to be alot more education for people, that is for certain. I have been an open and advocating parent for my daughter, I have had to be for so many reasons..Anyway, sorry for the hijack here in the man cave!
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I heard his longtime GF of 9 years left him and may have been the 'trigger'..
So sad...School kids also on the plane... :(
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Must have been..I think I read he was 27?? The loss of life due to this is hard to comprehend.
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I believe depression played a part, but I suspect there was much more to it than that. Committing suicide is one thing but committing suicide and knowingly taking 149 other people with you is something else entirely. My suspicion based on what I've read so far is that he was likely suffering from bipolar disorder with psychotic symptoms or some other reality-altering condition. He took extreme lengths to carry out his act and put safeguards in place to keep others from being able to stop him. Definitely not the pattern of someone who is simply suffering from depression in my experience.
There may be psychopathic traits in the pilots total lack of empathy for the passengers and crew.
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Hi, fellas,
Peeking into your Cave to seek some support for a new male poster. He is only 26, his W 24, together 5 years/M'ed 3, 2 yo S. Obviously too young for MLC, but maybe QLC? What he describes seems like some sort of identity crisis.
She developed some issues after the birth of their son, difficult labor & birth, use of contraceptive hormonal implant. Three months ago she essentially BD'ed with wanting to be single, living together but in separate bedrooms.
"I love you bit i dont have the feelings i should have for you"
"How can i love you when i dont know who i am myself."
"Your love is a burden. It is suffocating to be loved so hard by somebody."
"You are my ex now so things will be different."
With a background in Women's Health, I am familiar with some of the postpartum, hormonal, new parenting issues, but my MLCer is nearly a Vanisher, so I can't advise much on dealing with the in-house spouse-in-crisis.
Could some of you guys check in & offer some support & anyone with Wallowers give some tips on surviving & detaching in that situation?
BuddhaDharma-- http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6326.10
Thanks,
HT
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Greetings Gents!
Let me chime in on the car.......I already own the Challenger......dont get the stock 20" wheels that come on them! Buy good after market! I have the Rallye Red Line edition and already had to get 3 rims repaired due to dents / cracks. soon as I can find a cheap beater ill be driving the hot rod weekends only!
The pilot.....who knows. Definitely a mass murderer any way you slice it!
If I could hsve any car, old or new........definitely gotta be an Aston Martin Vanquish......
(http://s1.cdn.autoevolution.com/images/news/gallery/2013-aston-martin-vanquish-by-wheelsandmore_4.jpg)
Cool happenings on the DO front.......bought me a house! got me a nice 1897 Folk Victorian........its a mix of colonial and Italianate styles. Pretty slick and about 80% restored and in solid condition, except for the roof. Seller agreed to a brand new standing seam metal! all electric, plumbing and central air is new and updated! Got it for a steal......gonna be a nice investment project. If I do sell it down road it looks like I might be able to flip a $100k profit!!! My mortgage is the same as this small apartment I am renting.....go figure!!!!!
Hope all is good with everyone considering the circumstances!
DO
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Here's a little man cave humor to start your morning...since we've all experienced our wives going through MLC, it is particularly amusing.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU
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Bwhahah, thanks for sharing. Must find more unicorns!
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I recently met a woman who divorced her husband 5 years ago. She was complaining to me about not being able to find another relationship and that she hates being alone. So I had to ask... Why did she divorce her h?? Here is her reply:
"after 5 years and 2 kids I didn't understand why I wasn't happy and I finally decided I wasn't in love and then told him he deserved someone who loved him. He has since and for the last 5 years has been in a relTionship with his first girlfriend from high school. They are happy and in love and I am happy for them but again what about me?"
Then this "I know I love my ex he is the father of my kids and my best friend even to this day but to be IN love I really don't think I know what that is and if it even exists. I had a rough life and I'm just ready to be happy, it just seems like it
Will never happen for me."
Just thought I would share. Her words hit close to home for me as they echo my w sentiment. In fact, I imagine my w would answer the "why divorce" question almost exactly the same except for the still being best friends part.
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Here's a little man cave humor to start your morning...since we've all experienced our wives going through MLC, it is particularly amusing.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU
Ha Elray, I was wondering when this would show up in the man cave. The hot vs. crazy matrix works. Problem is the hot is so much easier to spot than the crazy.
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Here's a little man cave humor to start your morning...since we've all experienced our wives going through MLC, it is particularly amusing.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU
This is the best thing I have ever watched. Thank you for this.
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Hot= Crazy has been my experince as well. My wildest couple of nights were with two different hotties, one five years later was diagnosed as schizophrenic, the other I heard through old friends was diagnosed as bipolar...That said, according to what stats are available, 25% of women are on some some sort of prescription mood altering drug anyway...
It's sad really, a great many woman 40+ I see at parties/dances drink like 18 year olds. I'm out every Friday night to my local pub, I have a couple of beer, listen to the band, play a little pool and go home. Most of the guys there are of the same pattern, a couple beers and that's it, the women are GNO doing shooters and often falling down drunk...
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My observation has been that the younger women 27-32 have more self respect and have their sht together more so than the early 40's group. The 40's crowd are sexually forward to a point of it being a complete turn off.
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Hi Guys!
I have a question and I think that this is the best thread to ask it on:
What exactly does a man cave mean to you and why does it hold such importance to men? I get the part of having your own space but what else is there.
Here is a little background on why I am asking:
I have just moved out of the home that H and I shared. H has never lived alone in his life; parents, roommates, grandma's, then he moved in with me. He is currently purchasing basic things - plate, bowl, silverware, pot (singular of these words are intended - he is buying one of each because that is all he needs). He has also started to buy random furniture at flea markets, off Craigslist, etc. He told me that he is just going to buy things that he likes, he doesn't care if they match or not - ok, fair enough but he is buying crap!
I have known for a long time that H needs to be away from me and I from him - I half expected him to move in OW (this is OW1, they have been on-and-off for 2 + years) but it doesn't seem like it, which is a good thing.
So this morning the thought crossed my mind that he is turning the house into a man cave! Now I am curious about man caves ::)
Thanks for reading!
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A symbol of individuality, solitude, expression. When a woman moves in they tend to make it all womany. Besides our Man Cave, the bathroom is the only other place we can freely express ourselves.
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A symbol of individuality, solitude, expression. When a woman moves in they tend to make it all womany. Besides our Man Cave, the bathroom is the only other place we can freely express ourselves.
Thanks MeNow ;)
My H has always deferred "home" decisions to me and for the most part he has always liked what I did (I am not very girly). It makes me wonder if that is all part of the accommodating that MLCer's do.
So this looks like another fun replay behavior ::) It would make sense though - finding his identity in a way that he has never been able to before. Maybe it will be good for him.
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As long as he doesn't decorate with Betty Boop pictures and sheet covers.
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Good men become draft animals to their families and often loose themselves. Men primarily want their wives and family to be happy and often leave all the decorating up to them. Eventually most of us have everything we previously owned turfed out, along with our old friends and anything else from our single life. It happens to most of us slowly and without notice, when if finally sinks in most of what used to be us has faded away, we stake a claim to whatever space is left.
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Good men become draft animals to their families and often loose themselves. Men primarily want their wives and family to be happy and often leave all the decorating up to them. Eventually most of us have everything we previously owned turfed out, along with our old friends and anything else from our single life. It happens to most of us slowly and without notice, when if finally sinks in most of what used to be us has faded away, we stake a claim to whatever space is left.
That was not my experience at all. Before BD, the decorator we worked together with was amazed at how well we were able to choose colors, fabrics, accessories and she was shocked when she heard we had split up. We shopped together for the house, for cars, even for tools...he liked me to come with him and I enjoyed his company as well.
I never stood in between him and his old friends and actually I was the one whose life was totally uprooted 7 times so he could climb the career ladder, but you know, even that we decided upon as a couple.
Some marriages actually do work you know where both partners share equally in the division of things at home and support one another through each other's dreams and passions. That is why MLC is crazy making, because when you have had it all and suddenly it over without any discussion or warning, then you know that something very strange has happened.
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Thanks Bravehesrt :)
H always said that he didn't care to make those decisions so whatever I wanted was fine. When we met he had nothing but a few boxes of stuff. He never bought clothes for him selves either - I did it. The few friends that he had he lost contact with. I can see where he lost himself - it is just sad that they have to destroy everything in order to find themselves!
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Heh. Just as a side note, this convo is reminding me that one of the reasons XW gave for leaving me right after BD was that I had disagreed on buying end tables a few years before. Maybe there was something to that……(jk).
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Good men become draft animals to their families and often loose themselves. Men primarily want their wives and family to be happy and often leave all the decorating up to them. Eventually most of us have everything we previously owned turfed out, along with our old friends and anything else from our single life. It happens to most of us slowly and without notice, when if finally sinks in most of what used to be us has faded away, we stake a claim to whatever space is left.
That was not my experience at all. Before BD, the decorator we worked together with was amazed at how well we were able to choose colors, fabrics, accessories and she was shocked when she heard we had split up. We shopped together for the house, for cars, even for tools...he liked me to come with him and I enjoyed his company as well.
I never stood in between him and his old friends and actually I was the one whose life was totally uprooted 7 times so he could climb the career ladder, but you know, even that we decided upon as a couple.
Some marriages actually do work you know where both partners share equally in the division of things at home and support one another through each other's dreams and passions. That is why MLC is crazy making, because when you have had it all and suddenly it over without any discussion or warning, then you know that something very strange has happened.
I didn't mind it too much. I was ok with my family life and not focused on my own stuff. Now that I'm single, I get to make all the choices. Women are much more open when it comes to these kinds of things and tend to speak up and get involved in the process. Guys on the other hand, don't and tend to keep silent but harbor resentment about their lack of control and involvement.
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I never resented any lack of control, I simply followed the "Happy Wife, Happy Life" mantra everyone said was the way to go, but in retrospect I can see how most of what was me faded away. I think the reason many of us BH's are such Basketcases after BD is because we have sunk so much of our identity into the family and our spouses there is very little left in the tank.
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Good men become draft animals to their families and often loose themselves. Men primarily want their wives and family to be happy and often leave all the decorating up to them. Eventually most of us have everything we previously owned turfed out, along with our old friends and anything else from our single life. It happens to most of us slowly and without notice, when if finally sinks in most of what used to be us has faded away, we stake a claim to whatever space is left.
Regardless of what the ladies think or how good it was, this statement is the truth of pretty much every married friend I have......this was the story in my previous marriage!
The purpose of a man cave in the home isn't just for him to have his space.......it's him getting the left over space she didn't want for her and the kids!
Good post man!
DO
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Something for the fellas.....especially for the tech savvy. Seems there are some "mancentric programs and hardware" out there that are not working properly as we wish. Seems to be no good fix so proceed with caution gents! ;)
"I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend runs an emulation program and the sound is turned off. Unfortunately, the DrinkingBuddies emulation for GirlFriend never seems to work, and I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. But after months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I booted up it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for awhile.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and uninstalls itself then shuts the system down.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources."
DO
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Just ran across a funny term, I thought you gents would enjoy....
Men's magazines have long glorified the female hour glass figure, and even tried to quantify it -- playboy famously defined idealized figure of a woman as 36/26/36 measurement. Not my taste, but to each their own...
Any ways..in my traveling of the interwebs, I came across women discussing the idealized man, described as 666.
Have you heard of 666? I'm sadly not a 666 -- are you:
6 foot tall
6 pack abs
6 figure income
As I point out above -- men have been scoring women by number for a long time --so I don't find this turnabout in the least bit troubling. Rather, I find it very amusing. But, I wonder if these term has been around a long time, or are women finally closing the gap on men in quantifying desirability?
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I'd be ok with this since I come real close on all three.
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In this part of the world, the gold digger's version of the alphabet consists of the 5 Cs
Car
Cash
Condo
Credit card
Country club
8) ;D
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MBIB -- you stud!
SP -- diggers gonna dig ! never saw that one before though -- 5 Cs and cash ain't one!
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Gentlemen, It's been a while. A little something for the guys to read; an interesting point of view. I encourage you to read some of the links contained in the article.
*** WARNING: THIS WILL MOST LIKELY PISS THE WOMEN OFF!!! READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!!!***
no-maam.blogspot.fr/2012/06/woman-most-responsible-teenager-in.html (http://no-maam.blogspot.fr/2012/06/woman-most-responsible-teenager-in.html)
Have a great Memorial Day weekend!
Mad Hatter
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I liked it.