Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Returned on May 16, 2015, 08:10:48 AM
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I have been reading a lot of stories on the Internet from kids and spouses who were abandoned by MLCers, and I seem to see a lot of them say something to the effect of: he left and then he died 6 or 8 years later. I know of a couple of examples of this in my own environment where MLCers died in their 40s or 50s.
This is purely anecdotal of course, but I have read it often enough that I am curious about it. Most MLCers manifest fear of old age. Could MLCers be leaving because they have a premonition of death? Could early hormonal/biochemical changes in their body be causing them to panic? Is it the replay behaviors which worsen their health?
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if they pick up substance abuse habits it's detrimental to their health but the stress they go under while going through all this is phenomenal. since my h moved out his hair is grayer and he's got more wrinkles and he's gained weight. he doesn't sleep well and is constantly stressed out. it's sad really.
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Yeah it is sad , the whole damn mess is just sad isn't it.
I'm surprised you found much over the net Lj , just that l thought mostly the world didn't believe in mlc .
Mine has aged a lot to though , way too fast for just a few yrs. Although , maybe they're just going through the next belt of aging . You know how aging seems to move in spats. Or maybe it is about what they go through.
She partly split us up because of stresses , that was just part of it but it was a big part . Yet , well l don't know what she gets up to tbh but l do know that doing all this , plus coping financially , the emotion , the guilt she even admitted , starting a new life , our daughter , the whole lot . You know , our stresses would have been all ending just about now and they wouldn't even come close to matching what we've all been through and what she's been through , doing all this.
Maybe all that really has aged her .
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I have wondered the same long journey. All of h's family members have died young. My family all have lived into their 90's. I think h believes he will die young. Too bad he didn't want that time with his family. My h is overweight, looks old and tired and always has a mean look on his face. He limps and complained about all his aches and pains. He is always tired. Not sure how he manages his exciting new life.
I think that because they run from this and don't face it that they don't take very good care of themselves and it affects their health between that and the high stress level they are in. I don't think my h will be alive in 10 years.
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This was too interesting to pass up.
My xw was misdiagnosed with lung cancer in Dec. 2011, it wasn't until May 2012 that it was correctly identified as nothing more than a mold that had found it's way into her lungs..... I guess. that is not uncommon.
Anyway........... BD was Oct 2012..........
Coincidence?
Oh.......... A month before she left, she informed me that she had recently started smoking again.
Irrational? Insane? MLC?
all of the above?
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In late 2011 mine applied for life insurance and was turned down because his cholesterol was over 400. I don't know the split on that, but that's an extremely high number. For the bulk of our relationship he was what I would call fit, at 5'9", probably 145-155 lbs, with defined muscles (but not like a weightlifter). He had what I always called a "runner's body", but for most of it he had a job that kept him on his feet.
Jump to 2012 when we're out to breakfast and he orders fried chicken and waffles. Tells me, "This is how I eat now." To look at him, you wouldn't argue. His weight seems to fluctuate anywhere from 40-60 lbs above what he was, I would guess, and the OW seems to be around the same size or a little bigger. This is apparently their lifestyle, and it's one that, combined with the amount of hard liquor he has made a part of his daily life, will put him in the grave sooner than the healthy life we had before all of this started. Then you work in what may be going on neurologically and chemically, and it just gets too depressing to ponder. So pointless.
Not going to say I too didn't develop some bad eating habits and weight gain, but LBS diet took care of that for the most part. 40lbs fell off so fast that when I actually told him how much I lost, he sat at our kitchen table weeping. Because THAT'S normal. ;D
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There are a lot of negative factors involved. My wife was already experiencing health problems. She doesn't walk or exercise now, she no longer eats well even though she had food allergies, has a lot of stress and quilt and underlying depression, drinks a lot, is isolated from her family, and worries about her future. Not exactly a healthy lifestyle.
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This is good reflection I've noticed that too to a degree. H's father left mother and kids, I believe he was in MLC. In his 40's. He married the alienator and become apparently a good dad to her kids, while abandoning his in more ways than one. He came to our wedding with tubes attached to his nose. Had a long standing lung disease. Btw, he had the tubes attached and smoked too. Apparently he was also an alcoholic. 5 years later he died. H stopped smoking, even if the causes of he had Mesothelioma from chemical exposure. He looked much older than his actual age and died at 65. I believe H has not resolved his childhood issue about his abandonment and as another thread here it seems true what it says in the Bible about "the sins of the fathers get passed on by their sons"
Numbers 13:18
The LORD is slow to anger and abounding in loyal love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children until the third and fourth generations.'
Job 4:8
As I have observed, those who plow evil
and those who sow trouble reap it.
(For what a man sows that he shall also reap)
Romans 6:23
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (talking about spiritual death, which is much worse than physical death)
I don't mean to turn this into a religious lecture. I just thought it was interesting that even the Bible talks about this and we see some evidence of this in people's lives. Just my 2 cent Sw. :-*
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SW,
I've recently received my faith....................... I feel at times it is complete overload. Trying to digest an MLCer. Trying to come to grips with myself. Trying to figure out where spirituality fits in all of this.
I've been working my way through all of this......... I am understanding my xw much better than I had while we were married.
I understand how she could live her life with depression. I can understand how she could hate the child inside of herself. I can understand the misery that caused her. Unfortunately. Her misery flowed into the marriage. Long before she left here and......... I am certain she was adulteress before BD. Like. Years before.
I know I didn't do things perfect in the marriage. I could have done things a lot better. Maybe. If I was a trained psychiatrist?
Fact is. None of us were trained to analyze ourselves. Let alone the person we thought was "perfect" for us.......
Then? Just before she left me......... I had found my faith....
I am guessing there is some kind of balance to all of it. I don't believe God expects me to preach on the street corners. I don't believe He is expecting me to be perfect. Mainly. I haven't been. I've gotten in a lot of trouble since she left. Seriously. A couple of trips to jail.......... counseling. Probation.
If God likes a f#ck-up........ He has to love me.
Funny thing is....... I don't think He is mad at me. My life is going amazingly well in spite of all that has happened.
Turns out...... My childhood set me up to embrace madness and dysfunction. I did well in sports. I rode bulls for a period of time. I am not afraid of an altercation........ even if it gets physical...... I've never had much respect for authority.
You would think this MLC would be a cakewalk. This is dysfunctional and manic.
What I've learned about me is this.... I suffer from low self esteem in social situations....... When people are "normal" and act like human beings? I feel completely out of place.
I subconsciously shrink in a situation where people interact as adults. I have no trouble with off hand comments and unfiltered behavior. I have a lot of trouble making simple small talk. The kind of interaction that normal people have no trouble with. First off. I'm not good at small talk. If I don't have anything to say? Normally I keep my mouth shut. If I get caught up in "small talk" I find my brain saying "who gives a $hit if little Johnny" scored at soccer.......... I see your lips moving and bull$hit is flowing out......
Talk about stunted development.......
Anyway.
I feel God is asking for a large place in my life. I feel that I need to understand Him better. I need to know what He is asking of me and why.......... I also feel strongly. That He has a hand in this MLC from both sides. Mine and xw's. I asked Him if His will was to send her back here and every time. He answered that He was...
My brain has a ton of trouble making a connection with her behavior and some kind of reconnection. I have no idea how He can send her back here after all the damage she has done. I have no idea how to wrap my brain around the kind of behavior expected from me to make this happen.......
I'm working hard to simply trust Him on this. I'm working hard to surrender to His will.......
I recently read the story of Hosea and Gomer. I don't know if I am "chosen" to be Hosea. God took Gomer to the mat. Her life turned into a living #ell before Hosea bought her out of slavery.......... I can see that happening for xw......... She has had a terrible time of it since she ran out of here.
I rambled and hyjacked. The two worst things a guy can do on here.
I guess I am getting over being uncomfortable.
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Thank for sharing with us Rugged. In the scriptures there is a lot on forgiveness and repentance. God desires that from all his children. That is why he sent his son JC. But God gave us free will. For some it's as if lGod has a bank account waiting for us to draw from and we decide that we would rather eat out of trash cans instead. ???
Mlcer seems to b mad at God. I wrote to him numerous times that I'm praying for him but he doesn't acknowledge it.... But he has not asked me to stop praying either. I feel I need to pray for him because I sense that he needs help. Maybe I'm wrong .. Maybe he is as happy as a clam but even if I saw him smiling, I would have a hard time believing it. He thinks that once he obtains the divorce, he'll be ok. Nah!!! Hugs SW
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Mine is convinced he'll be dead by 45...he will turn 41 this summer. He had a couple favorite uncles die in their 40's. Personally, I have wondered if their deaths, plus that of an aunt, were what tipped him into MLC. If so, he'd have been in MLC a couple years before we got together. He always said I made him the happiest he had ever been. Maybe I was another of his line of bandaids...who knows? Nobody will, I guess.
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I've been NC for two years now.
I have seen pictures. Overweight. Still has the "dead eye" look..........
She doesn't appear to be happy and adjusted.
On the other hand............ I LOOK FABULOUS!
I'm probably too good for her now.
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Me too RE .... 2 years NC..haven't seen him in at least a year and 6 months..he looked old last time I saw him.
Maybe that's my problem! I look too damn good considering what I've been through!! ::)
I'm sure mortaliy has something to do with it.
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Could MLCers be leaving because they have a premonition of death?
Don't think so. And if they have it is most likely a product of their depression. There is no shortage of board member with MLCer who have gone for more than 6 or even 8 years. The MLCer are still alive. Some LBS, on the other are not. Or are on cancer last stage.
Could early hormonal/biochemical changes in their body be causing them to panic?
Yes. MLC is, pretty much an early, in some cases very early, mid or even early 30’s, hormonal/biochemical/neurobiological issue.
Is it the replay behaviors which worsen their health?
It seems to be. Even if we really do not know how much it worsen their health. Most MLCers do not seem to have anything that could be considered a permanent health issue (not counting any former serious health issue the MLCer had), and seem to be able to return to their former health level.
The LBS, on the other hand, seems to end up with lots of health issue. We are subject to as much, or even more, stress than the MLCer is. And there are studies that say that, for women, divorce/separation decreases the heart health. While with men this also happens after a divorce or separation, if they remarry, or enter another relationship/have a new companion, the rist is minimized, a second marriage does not minizie the women’s risk.
So, if anything, MLC is a very serious health problem for the LBS, especially for female LBS.
Mr J seems pretty well. He is on year 9 since he left, 10 of Replay, and he is still clubbing and drinking and not sleeping and baheving like a 19 years old. Of course he has gained weight, has dead eyes and looks blooted, but nothing major, apart from the MLC itself seems to be going on with him. The drinking could be considered a problem, but I think the drinking is just part of the MLC itself.
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No way rugged , go for your life mate , good stuff .
l've even thought about a faith myself and l ain't no saint either. But hey , l'm alright . Don't think a God needs to see us on our knees or in church every 5mins .
l think he'd be far more interested in the person we really are .
Or with people like all of us for example, that don't believe in breaking up families , but fighting on and honoring vows to the end.
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Don't know about dying younger but I know since my H left he now takes 5 medications daily (according to my children)
High blood pressure
Cholesterol
Gastric reflux
Cluster headaches
Diabetes
All these health issues (with the exception of the gastric reflux) have come about in the 3 years since BD
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Don't know about dying younger but I know since my H left he now takes 5 medications daily (according to my children)
High blood pressure
Cholesterol
Gastric reflux
Cluster headaches
Diabetes
All these health issues (with the exception of the gastric reflux) have come about in the 3 years since BD
That's crazy, but then look at how they live. Mine drinks way more and harder stuff too. He told me one day that he had ate a whole bag of oreos so had to go to the store for more. In a day, he has Adderall, Advil, smoking, caffeine, alcohol...sits and watches tv or plays video games...mentions he doesn't sleep well. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a similar laundry list of ailments sooner or later. I know the first on his list is ED. He got that almost immediately after BD and never had that issue before.
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I've been NC for two years now.
I have seen pictures. Overweight. Still has the "dead eye" look..........
She doesn't appear to be happy and adjusted.
On the other hand............ I LOOK FABULOUS!
I'm probably too good for her now.
Rugged - I love this post!!!!!!
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LLL cluster H/a are b**** I know from medical school that most individuals who have cluster H/A would rather die than go through that kind of pain. Repressed emotions, denial and not confronting issues are one of the biggest reasons for diseases. It has to have a way out somehow. I haven't seen H is almost 2 years with contact only through emails about practical stuff. A friend of mine went to his office though to help me and told me that he is bloated with white hair and looks like a piggy. She said he didn't look anything like in the pictures I had shown her and she added "what did you see in him?" That was about a year or so ago. He closes all social media and can't see any pics of him. I also blocked my MIL because I would rather not get news of with and OW. I'll probably see him in June at our hearing but I'm a little scared to face him. The ow ex husband looked a lot my husband, only fat as a barrel. I guess he is adapting to expectations?? Lol ;D
Maybe that's my problem! I look too damn good considering what I've been through!!
In it, you are a strong cookie and, I'm sure, great looking too. I'm always surprised at how many LBS happen to be gorgeous, intelligent and good people yet they get dumped like garbage from a MLcer and opt for an affair down ....way down. Sometimes. I think they are really nuts. :o I get compliment
Yes. MLC is, pretty much an early, in some cases very early, mid or even early 30’s, hormonal/biochemical/neurobiological issue.
Anjie, That's so interesting to me. I am praying to get a job in a clinic that where husband and wife MD's do just that. Through plant based hormonal therapy and other natural cures. I was honest with them and told them of H MLC and they explained to me that they saw a lot of men who were in MLC and that is caused by hormonal fluctuation and they were able to end an MLC by administering the right therapy. They seemed to know a lot about it. The problem is a lot of the Mlcers will not opt to see a dr to check their hormonal levels and therefore do not get treated. Could be as simple as that to have the person we knew back? Sw
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Could be as simple as that to have the person we knew back?
Maybe. From a logical and scientific/medical point of view it makes sense.
But the problem really is, like you said, that most of the times (if not always) it is not even possible to get the MLCer to go see a doctor.
How were the doctors able to administering the right therapy to a MLCe? From all we know a MLCer in replay would not look for a doctor or treatment. Even if, I used to say around here we should use a tranquilizer dart to put the MLCer asleep and then took the sleeping MLCer to a doctor for treatment. ::)
Could it be that rather than being in MLC those men were having a bumpy midlife transition (that is also probably also caused by hormones, just no so out of touch hormones)? Many people, doctors and therapist included, call MLC to a bumpy midlife transition.
Also, of course that if our MLCers would stop their running/their lifestyle, they would change, because their brain would change and so would their genes. Since they keep leading lives that are not good for the brain/hormones/genes, they will be trapped in their mess for a very long time.
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I just get angry when I think of the hormone probability because I'm a practitioner and I probably could have helped him. Now it's too late. He is living his life with alienator as if we didn't even exist???
I actually knew that he had some issue with the Kidney channel (which also indicates hormone deficiency and imbalance) but I didn't really know much about MLC. I thought it was something that happened to older men who ended up acting out a bit, buy a red sports car and start tinting their hair :-\
There is more people having a MLC these days and wonder if it's not due to our modern diets, stress and GMO and hormones in our meats and poultry? It's mind boggling!!! I wish I could do something about it and at least prevent others from having an MLC. Maybe it needs to be researched and publicized? I wanted to get a doctorate eventually. That was before H left me financial bankrupt.... Maybe I still will and I could make my thesis on MLC and hormone or Jing (according to Chinese medicine) imbalance or deficiency?
Who knows if one day this would be a known fact and men and women could avoid such a devastating crisis? Maybe I'm dreaming but .....didn't everything begin with a thought and a dream? I so miss the man I use to know and married but I can't afford to think too much about it or else I fall into a funk. H no longer exist as I knew. I keep hoping there is a little bit of that man in there somewhere but at the next monstering I realize that he's gone. RIP sweetheart. :(
Thanks for sharing your thought Anjie. hugs :-* Sw
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I just get angry when I think of the hormone probability because I'm a practitioner and I probably could have helped him. Now it's too late. He is living his life with alienator as if we didn't even exist???
That stuff makes me so angry to SW.
Mine went into early menopause and deep depression, over work, and had some other pretty big health stuff. Some of it yeah was about me and what l'd been doing but , the thing is l didn't realize a lot of it was even bothering her and l would have happily dropped everything to look after her.
Yet ever since all this , she's been more over worked and stressed than ever, we both are . And if there is still an om then it's gotta be some very part timeish thing and so basically there is no one to look after her and ease life up a bit for her now-or for me either for that matter. As a matter of fact neither of us can stop now , because there's no one else to hold the fort and pay the bills if we did now.
Yet it would have been my pleasure to look after her , if only she'd have told me everything and stuck around to enjoy the out come.
She could have had our family, a husband and a real home to help her through . Just seems insane.
She thought doing this was gonna fix everything and be some fantastic new easy life.
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By practitioner, Strongwind, do you mean you are a doctor? If so, please do not beat yourself up. There are others here who are doctors, nurses and therapist. Sadly one was capable of helping/preventing their spouse from going into Replay.
Mermaid is married to a doctor, who is aware of his depression. Her husband seeked no help, and still had his crisis.
The doctor from the company Mr J worked for until he quit, a little over one year since BD, tried to help Mr J. Like Mermaid's husband (and other MLCers), Mr J knew he was depressed. He himself told me he was depressed, both before and after he left. He also told the doctor. Mr J did not allow the doctor to help him.
Nor did Mr J listened to SIL who wanted him to take blood tests to see if he suffered from hypertheroidism. SIL and MIL suffered from it and both have had surgery. SIL also offered to book and appointment with her psychiatrist as well as with their years long family doctor. Mr J said no.
The problem really seems to be how to get the MLCer to the doctor, or, for those who have a doctor around, to allow the doctor to see them. Also, how to make the MLCer to remain in the medication (some MLCer started it but dropped it), treatment, or how to make they make lifestyle changes that could help.
What is the secret of those doctors in the clinic? How do they manage to do what no else seems to be capable of doing?
If it cannot be dinied that our moder, western, or western-like lifestyle seems to contribute to MLC, MLC was round in past centuries and millenia. Maybe it was less spread, maybe it wasn't. People lived shorter lives, many spend years on end in the army/at war and away from home, MLC, of course, was not an existent term, etc.
Hawk, I suspect that, sadly, even if you would have dropped everything to look after your wife it wouldn't have made much of a difference.
But you will be able to be there for your wife when she comes out of her tunnel.
MLC is most more stressing than what previsiously existed. Both for MLCer and LBS. MLCer claim they want a new life, that they are tired, this than and those, then go and lead a totally crazy, super stress filled life.
It does need to be researched. Or maybe it is, but not under MLC. Maybe under hormonal imbalance. Or brain inbalance. We know hormones change many things, we know lack of sleep and depression alter lots of functions.
Your ideas for a doctorate are very interesting.
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Anjie I'm a practitioner of Chinese medicine and acupuncture. You're right. There is no way to prepare for the bomb that shattered all of our lives. >:( Sometimes I actually wish he had died instead of the hell I've gone through. At least I could have kept some illusion of him loving me and the memories, as bittersweet, would have been remembered fondly. Do Mlcer die young? I don't know ...I don't know anything anymore. Nothing of all of this makes any sense. :-X
Hugs to all.
Sw :-*
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By the way I just wanted to reply to something that Anjae wrote a few entries back. In several places on this board we have examples of MLCers who died very prematurely, for example SSG and newbeginnings spouses.
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I do think a lot of MLCers get sick,none of the ones I've read about are living a healthy lifestyle.
My H never got sick! Until a few years before BD. of course the heavy drinking and horrible diet played a part.about a year before he left, he was taking all kinds of stuff, honey, cinnamon, vit c, trying to get healthy. All the while drinking like a fish.
He now has gout,sleep apnea, high blood pressure. And just a few weeks ago was down with some horrible stomach virus.
In 25+ years he's only gotten sick once! At least 40 lbs over weight. And they won't take his blood anymore, because his liver enzymes are sky high, as is his iron level in his body. Which isn't good for your organs. Sometimes I wonder if it hasent affected his brain :/
My therapist told me to prepare my kids, because someone who drinks that much is gonna potentially die.
On the flip side, we LBSers do have tremendous stress, anxiety, huge weight losses. It's all too much. Look up broken heart syndrome. I can guarantee I've had his. My heart has always bothered me. way worse now tho.
It just all sucks, they are throwing so much away. And hurting so many people...
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My exH's health is not great. High blood pressure and cholesterol. He's always had those problems because it runs in his family. He doesn'drink but his diet sounds like junk. Lots of fast food and processed stuff. Also he has sleep apnea. Though it would be beneficial to me that he has a long life since I get lifetime spousal support from his retirement.
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Mine also has sleep apnea, very overweight, only eats out or processed foods, his blood is so thick they can barely get it out, high blood pressure, high cholesterol. He can't stay up past 8:30 at night. Falls asleep if he sits down anywhere.
Yes, we as the LBS suffer a huge hit also, physically and mentally. But we are aware of it and have the ability to correct that. I take my vitamins, am eating better now, exercise, doing things that I enjoy to relieve the anxiety some. We know what we are dealing with and therefore we can make changes.
Although many of the mlc'r (my h being one) have admitted in a moment of clarity that there is something wrong (my h has said he is severely depressed) that don't have the ability yet to make changes for their health and well being. I personally want to live FOREVER!!! LOL !!!
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Mine says he doesn't want to live past 60. I can't comprehend thinking that way. I have a great-aunt who just turned 100 this year. She volunteers, gets together to play cards...always so busy doing something that it makes me feel like a lazy bum and I'm 60 yrs younger than she is. She's an amazing person who has the zest for life. I think our MLCers just don't have that zest.
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You are right, long journey, we do have examples of MLCers who have died prematurely. I'm sorry I have forgot. And I didn't know newbeginnings spouse had dies.
SSG'a husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. I'm not certain it could be said that his death was caused by MLC.
There will always be MLCer who die, and who gain health problems, but overhaul, I still think the LBS's health is more affected. Maybe I'm wrong. Also, we really don't know if MLCers die younger than people who didn't have MLC.
Strongwind, thank you for clarifying. Think that we prefer that our MLCer had died instead of having MLC is not uncommon for a LBS. Nothing is MLC seems to make any sense, and it probably doesn't.
TMT, yes, we have the ability to know what is going on. Or to have found our at a certain point. And we can make changes and correct things. But for those of us who still have to deal with ongoing legalities, etc, it is difficult to be totally anxiety free.
Now and then MLCer have a tiny fog lift and become aware that there is something wrong. But, like you've said, it is not enough to make them change route.
Many of our MLCers drink too much. They most know it is not good, yet, they don't stop doing it.
AOAS, our MLCers are dead inside. Of course they have no zest. They pretend they are full of life with their crazy replay (or wallower) actions, but they have no joy, no zest, nothing. They are just empty walking souls wearing a mask that fools a few people, in some cases, for many years.
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When i was getting ready to pack up my stuff after he left 2 yer ago. The mover came over to access the work for the next day. A very nice Chrisian man. and H came waltzing in unannounced while we were sitting there, h seemed one a crazy fool. He was looking around to make sure that I wasn't packing anything he wanted. He looked like Sh** and angry. I told him he had no right being there. I was so hurt. I told him " you're getting fat as he stumped out the door in indignation. When he left, the Christian man said "boy o boy, he isnt happy....he is miserable" So why was he leaving? So unhappy and yet was not willing to talk to me? I was in such shock!!
He had ow's pity and support and was leaning on her and her adoration. >:( What a fool... He threw it all away for a a real low life. Two marriages behind her. Also had an affair on her H with H( she was married) and knew very well that H was in a long term relationship and married. ' getting really angry and I better stop now.... SW