Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Rebel Yell on January 06, 2011, 08:57:28 AM
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The last thing I would ever want to do it offend anyone here, so if I do, just punch me in the nose!
I seem to have noticed a trend and I haven't seen brought up although it may have.
Seems like a disproportional amount of women here are older than there MLC husbands.
Has it been brought up, is it relevant?
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I am 2 yrs. older than my spouse, however his OW is the same age as me, actually 2mths older, so don't know if it has anythingn to do with it.
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I'm about 9 months younger.
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I'm about 3 years older
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I am 14 months older (but look much younger....sorry, couldn't resist!) ;)
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Three years younger.
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I am 8 years older than my H, even though I don't look it. It had never been a problem until MLC hit. I know a lot of MLCers are obsessed with youth and fears of growing old. May be it could be a trigger when they are trying to stay young. My Hs OW is the same age as him, but he has in fact gone for a younger woman, when comparing her to me.
This had actually crossed my mind a lot, very interesting.
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I am 6-7 years younger than my MLC spouse.
Also, my H (at 57) is one of the older ones. I think???
L
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I'm three years older.... and yes, my MLCer is terrified of age and aging.... I remember when he turned 30 he found it horrible; he gets headaches and tries to ignore birthdays; has a real fear of them -- he turned 45 last year and the first thing he said was that he couldn't even say "early 40s" any more. It's a major issue for him.
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I searched and found the national average for wives being old than husbands is 12.12%.
I just wonder if some of these men where trying to replace their mothers or something like that
when they got married. How many are or where monogamous to their mothers?
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I am 4 years older than my husband. Although, you would never know it to look at us.
I can definitely tell you my husband was not looking for a mother in me......I am the complete opposite of his mother! LOL!
However, every woman he has been involved with looks, sounds like, and acts like his mother. I have taken that to be he is looking for someone to validate what he is doing.
His mother, while not one to give a lot of vocal support to her sons, also never thought they did anything wrong. So, my h could go find these women knowing they would also support and love him and let him know whatever he does in life is just fine and dandy!
And that just makes me want to barf!! :P
I think you are way off to even consider that men who marry a woman who is older than them is looking for a replacement mother or a mother figure in their lives. I think they just fell in love with someone who happens to be older than them!
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I am 18 months older. I find this interesting as the other chat site that I am on most of the women are older as well. Married my H when he was 19. I totally believe that being I am the oldest of 4 and he is the youngest of 5 that I fulfilled a nurturing role. It made an easy transition into marriage. I also believe that H is trying to relive his late teen years as he and my S18 act exactly the same way. Very interesting stuff!
L4S
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I'm 7 months younger. OW is a year older than he is, not sure exactly how many months though.
My daughters thought she was 10 years older than Daddy. :)
Makes me feel great, especially since I still get carded to buy drinks.
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I am a whopping two weeks older. :)
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I am 1 year younger, ow is 3 years younger
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I am 7 years younger than my h and the youngest one on here. Hence I don't comment much, as others have more life experience and kids already...
Actually, I wonder if putting our family life on hold has to do with my h's MLC (previously he couldn't answer his question like other questions either)???
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i am 3 years younger than the man i married
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I am 6 months older (but look younger than o/w and im not joking) what made me think is o/w is 13 & half yrs younger than my h, she is the same age as h's mum was when his dad died, my h was only 7 but very close to his dad and never got to attend funeral or say goodbye, his mum was admitted to hospital with severe clinical depression and on suicide watch, h said felt abandoned first he lost his dad then his mum left him with no explanation so wondered if thats why h chose FECKED UP O/W as she is as messed up as is mum was back then and the same age xxxx
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I seem to have noticed a trend and I haven't seen brought up although it may have.
Seems like a disproportional amount of women here are older than there MLC husbands.
Has it been brought up, is it relevant?
I do not believe it is relevant.
Just a coincidence.
Thats my .02 and there will be no PUNCHES in the nose. :) :) :)
FWIW I will be 57 next month and my wife is 6 weeks younger.
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I am 3 years younger than my H. OW is 26 years younger than him (half his age). Neither of us are anything like his mother.
Statistically, marriages are more likely to run into problems if the age difference is significant (20+ years), especially if the woman is older than the man. The majority of people here are not very different in age to their spouse.
The reasons why people fall in love and get married are complex, as are the reasons why people have a crisis at any age. There isn't one single, simple reason, like mother relationship problems, although this is a significant relationship in developing a child's ego identity.
I put an article on this forum some time ago about the relationship of high achieving men with their mothers which may help explain some types of midlife behaviour (I recognise mine in this):
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=391.msg17890#msg17890
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I am a year younger and the ow is ten years younger and I look much better than her!
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I´m more curious is age of menopause has an influence. I sailed through and last April was ready to celebrate over it. We are walking pheromone machines and I wonder if I´m giving off a different cocktail of pheromones.
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I am two years older than my H.
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I am a year younger than H.
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The wife is 5 years younger than I, 53 + 48. I agree with OP, I also think menopause has a lot to do with us.
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6 months younger... OW(s) were, are? his age... high school buddies.
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I quickly counted through the posts so far and I'm getting 10 wives older than husbands out of 22 eligible posts.
I may have missed one or two because I did this in a hurry. I've got a little over 45%. I know that there isn't enough info
for a real number, still.........??? A long way from 12% isn't it? Is there nothing to it?
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RY,
To be honest, my H had a much more difficult time with me turning 40, than I did. I have read this same topic on another forum I used to participate in. The problem with MLC is everything is so skewed.....no real tangible consistencies.
For what it's worth, I recently heard a clinician say that he felt MLC would be listed in the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual--used for diagnoses by psychologists/psychiatrists) the next time they come out with a new edition. It would likely fall into a depressive disorder, but any validation that it exists would be great.
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I'm 11 months younger and OW is 5 years younger but looks ALOT older than me by at least 10 years!
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I am 9 years younger than H. He is 59 and I am 50. OW is 36 (but looks 55).
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I am 4yrs younger than my H.
OW is 17yrs younger than H.
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I've also noticed that several women make or made more money than the husbands. Probably nothing, but many men would feel like they are not the main bread winner and if would affect their egos (we men have BIG ego problems in case ya didn't know) ;D
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I do think the making less money is probably hard for the husbands. Doesn't help when their self esteem is already low.
Butterfly
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I'm 9.5 years younger than my h. He will be 58 next month. Suspect OW but not sure.
BD & moved out: Dec 30 2010
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I'll tell you something interesting; reading this thread brought a memory or two back for me.
I'm 4 years and 2 months younger than my husband...he was 37 when he started through the tunnel.
When I was on the other board so many years ago; I was one of the youngest people there at that time...this was back in 2002; the people I was counseling were in their late 40's, early to mid 50's and there were a few that were actually in their 60's.
At first some of the people were mad at me because here was a young whippersnapper advising the elders; and wisdom is supposed to belong to the elders.
In time, when the advice I was giving was actually WORKING for each individual situation; they were more apt to listen to what I was advising...I was 35 at that time...having been 33 when his crisis started.
Here, in the present time; I'm advising people again; only this time, some are older than me, some are actually younger than me.
That's quite a difference from years ago.
On the other hand, OP is right; this is a coincidence that some of the women are older than their husbands...in fact; I did remember reading somewhere years ago, that it's actually good for women to be up to 7 years older than their husbands; as women tend to live longer than men.
Just sayin'
Oh, and while I'm thinking about it; in regards to OW/OM; it doesn't matter what they look like; it only matters what NEED they are meeting within the MLC'er...the affair is all about NEED within the MLC'er. The NEED to be accepted, the NEED to feel special with someone, an emotional NEED to be loved; even if it is not the right kind of love; even the NEED to be accepted for who they are.
As they are different their needs are different; and they choose someone who meets those changing needs. They will NOT allow the LBS to meet these needs, preferring instead to get involved with someone who is as neurotic as they are.
That's not to say they won't change back or turn back toward the LBS; but that is how they are and feel for that time in their lives.
Remember they are selfish, thinking only of themselves and their own needs, not caring who they hurt to get them met, even to hurting the OW/OM; just as long as THEY are satisfied, and "happy"..but this doesn't last.
There should come a time when the affair no longer meets their NEEDS; and it becomes unsatisfying to them...and that sets them up for breaking it all down. :)
Have a good one. :)
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I thought I noticed the age difference also but couldnt relate that to my situation as I am two years younger than H. I have always earned more money than him during our marriage, was always a touchy subject but I think the last 3-4yrs were more difficult for him as my job began to turn into a career and his stalled. Not sure if that contributed or not, I am now convinced he was destined for MLC from long before me!
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I've also noticed that several women make or made more money than the husbands.
This is interesting, RY.
My H's and my base salaries are essentially the same. However, I teach online courses year round which increases my overall income about 20%.
My H and I have enjoyed this extra income for traveling, remodeling, frivalous purchases, etc. It was never something we even compared.
Along came MLC....suddenly he made constant remarks about my earning more, became EXTREMELY driven to obtain a promotion. It was really out of left field.
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I was thinking about this at the weekend.
My h's first entry into the world of MLC - this is his second - occurred after I was promoted and ended up with higher salary plus bonus than him. As part of trying to recover from MLC 1 I actually decided to move away from my high profile role to focus on our family.
H. changed jobs as well, went into a high profile role himself although his career did not take off as he would have liked.
My stepping back didn't stop MLC 2, which is much more destructive than MLC 1. In fact h. said he was not happy that I had taken my current job as it was not what he wanted me to do!
Oh well.
Things may come together to trigger an MLC crisis; however, I am convinced that this is something that is within the person and just waiting to come out.
And not caused by us, not fixable by us and unfortunately not stoppable either.
CrazyStuff
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My husband is 34 (started MLC month before 33rd birthday). I am 4 months younger than him at 33 years old. The OW is 29 and looks like she's never seen a decent night's sleep in her life. Both eyes are sunken in with dark circles under them.
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I am 7 1/2 years younger than H.
OW is 5 years older than me.
I have mostly been a stay at home mom/homemaker. Presently a nanny and don't make nearly as much as he does.....afraid I am gonna end up really financially hurting if a D happens.
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I am 2 1/2 years younger than my H.
I make more money than he does so it took awhile for me to get the heart to file child support.
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RY
I second what Butterfly said re: W income being more than H but again it goes back to their low self esteem. In my sitch I made majority of the income in our household until recently... although I was still contributing to our income while no longer working as I had negotiated a large severance package with my previous employer even though I quit.
I know in our sitch my earning more always bothered H but that was due to his low self-esteem. His M made him feel very bad about it most of our M not me. I often talked him up after he's spoken with his M. I didn't have much of issue with it but he did. Now was I perfect throughout, absolutely not, but I always made sure to encourage him and show my appreciation for what he did do. It wasn't enough. Even quitting a good paying job and relocating didn't help. Money wasn't an issue for me in that way. His MLC was bound to happen one way or the other and I was the easy target.
His OW is completely the opposite. Typical affair down. She lives on govt. assistance, has a low paying job and has medical issues which keeps her from ever becoming an equal profession as my H. H has even made it known of her medical condition just so she can't ever get the same position as him. He's bragged about this to me! How's that for a soul-mate! With her his ego is fed for now. And she's happy to feed it.
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I am 8 1/2 yrs older than my husband but he looks just as old. I make more money but it has never seemed to bother him. Don't really think either is an issue. His thing is aging. Has always been afraid of aging. Very athletic and has always prized himself on being the fastet and best. His dad died at age 39 of a massive heart attack which is always in the back of his mind. My husband has always been quick to go to a Dr (unlike most men). Has had a stress test already d/t his family history. Past few months, whitened his teeth, going to gym obcessively, shaved his body hair (has never done before), quit dipping, lost over 30 lbs. I know all MLCers are different and have different hangups but with mine....I think it is all the fear of aging. Obviously I don't really know....wish I did....but that is what I think.
The woman he was talking to on the phone several hours a day was 58 (18 yrs his senior). Of course, she was just a "friend". He was so miserable, he needed someone to talk to. Duh....how about your wife.
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Don't get me wrong, I don't think age or money is the reason. But it may be just another piece of the puzzle like the death of a parent or turning 40. Low self esteem is probably the biggest cause,(and other things cause that). Fear of dying or aging are also big problems. Then of course if they were closer to God the whole mlc may have been just a mlt instead. Pray, pray, pray, pray and when your done, pray some more, on your knees!
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My H also deals with aging issues.
Due to our backgrounds we both have TONS of hair as do our kids. (I promise its a trademark.) Well sadly his hair is thining and these past three years have aged him significantly. One of his sisters noticed it at Thanksgiving and was really shocked.
He works with a younger people and it did not help. I wonder how much of that contributes. I also work with young people but as a teacher whereas he is a coworker so I am sure there is a much different dynamic.
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Rebel Yell
I tend to agree with the idea that the more that is understood the more can be done to ensure the majority experience Mid life as a transitional phase and not as a crisis. That's why I find the pieces of the puzzle pieces, whatever they may be.
I also agree with Truth_Seeker, I believe MLC was ineviteable for my H given his history and unresolved issues. I found it interesting that you wrote about your H's reaction to his M (Mother?) and her ability to make him feel bad. My MIL drove all her kids to compete against eachother, particularly in material worth - this impressed her more. She never approved of my H's profession as it was not high paying / high profile enough. He battled for her approval for years. I believe her decine into Alzheimers over the last 3yrs has contributed to his own decline - again agreeing with Rebel Yell here - another contributing factor. He felt he had lost his chance to impress her or secure her approval/love.
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Hi gang, I had a discussion about this on here a long time ago.
I couldn't find it.....
I still find it interesting how many MLC husbands are younger
than the LBS wives. The past thread I had done a little checking
as far as statistics and in our situations the % was WAY above
average. I don't know what to make of it, but I find it interesting.
Maybe subconsciously these men where looking for a mother figure?
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That's interesting Rebel. I didn't realise that.
My H is 6mths older than me.
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My MLC W is a year and 9 months older than me.
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My H is a year and 8 months older than me. Physically anyway (mentally, right now, yeah I'm older. ;D).
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I think I did some cradle robbing....lol. We have been together 15 years and my H is 8 years younger than me, although all his friends we have known throughout our marriage are my age so it really never bothered me until now when age was used as a weapon against me. I do know that he never thought of it as an issue and when we met and he told me his real age I laughed and told him I was way too old for him. He told me to give a young guy a chance and I did.
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My H is 2 years 9 months younger than I am.
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My H is 2 years younger.
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Mine is one year younger than me. Doubt with small age gap it has anything to do with mother figure. If you’re talking 10 or more years of age gap maybe but not necessarily.
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H's mom uses our age gap as a mother figure thing. I know I certainly never treated my kids in the manner I treated my H though ;) ;)
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Here you go Rebel, leave it to the old broad to find your original post!
Hugs,
Tsu
Edit - Credit T for finding this older thread.
I have merged them together and removed the link
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Hey lady!
Thanks, btw I was in your town last month.
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Hey Mr. R.....
I was in Choo Choo a couple of weeks ago and thought of you too!
You should have called, I would have loved to cook your family a nice meal.
Hugs,
Tsu
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RY,
It's interesting you brought this up. I have noticed this "phenomena" for some time on this board and wondered about it. Thought it seemed unusual, too.
TMHP
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I still find it interesting how many MLC husbands are younger than the LBS wives. The past thread I had done a little checking as far as statistics and in our situations the % was WAY above
average. I don't know what to make of it, but I find it interesting.
Maybe subconsciously these men where looking for a mother figure?
First, does it follow then, that mlc wives that are younger than the husbands are looking for a father figure?
Second, your statistics comprise mlc husbands/wives on this board not ALL mlcers.
I think the data might be meaningless. My h is a little younger but I was really immature ;D ;D ;D
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My xH is 5 years older, but this question has resonated with me.
xH always seemed to like older women; in fact, when I met him, he was madly in love with a classmate of ours who was one year older than him, and also a mother already. I think he adored her maternal image. She is blonde, too, like his ideal, and like his birth and adoptive mothers.
I think maybe my youth was a drawback for him, especially when I would act all giddy and girly around him. He would get very irritated. He wanted me to behave more like his mother, I'm certain of it. He criticized my mothering until the day he left, then suddenly had a change in his tune--I was a good-enough mother after all, and the kids would do well under my care.
xH named his first sailboat after his still-alive mother. I was pretty turned off by that, frankly.
xH's OW is two years older than I am, but she has no children of her own. I've suspected that she mothered him--knew just how to manipulate him. She's from a "nurturing" profession, like many BPDs are. I doubt very much that she nurtures him now, if I am to believe what I've read about BPD OWs.
Before BD, I'd been growing seriously distressed with and confused by xH's increasingly childish/feminine mannerisms and was at my wit's end--I knew I did not want to be in a relationship with a child--I wanted a partner who was my equal, a real man. I didn't know what to do, as I was very much committed to my marriage and family. I honestly felt trapped in an unhappy marriage, and my immediate reaction (albeit very short-lived, on the order of several minutes) was relief.
I know I have daddy issues, having grown up under the thumb of a very controlling father.
I'm sure this created conflict between us. There was always huge friction between my xH and my father--created by my xH, probably because he felt I was expecting him to take on or submit to (both unfair propositions) my father.
Yeah, I do think sometimes there's a mommy issue, but of course age is not the only factor. I think it depends on how the MLCer saw his wife/partner. If he saw her as a maternal figure or wanted to, and took comfort in the age difference, then maybe there is something to this theory.
I'm certain my xH has mommy issues and would have preferred to be with an older or more maternal (toward him) woman.
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My H is 2 years younger than me and he was definitely looking for his mother! I have ALWAYS felt this! I disappointed because I am not his mother. I have wondered if having the children and the unconditional love I have heaped upon the children has left him wanting even more?
Mother issues seem to be a recurring theme!
But why has he gone for OW of 23? Maybe if he has regressed to teens she too is an older woman. Reading the emails between them she seemed really mothery and his business partners have a really mothery wives, he kept saying I wasn't supportive like normal wives, I think he was referring to them. I am more about equality in relationship and struggled to achieve that with my H.
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I am 5 months older than H and he made sure I knew it in a fun way. But I always asked the kids "who LOOKS older, mum or dad?" ;) ;)
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My H was given a cheesy pulp fiction book "In Praise of Older Women" when we met! ;D
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I'm 5.5 years younger than my ex and the OW is 2 years older (she's an old flame from art college)
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I'm 5 years older then my h but, he acts and looks older then me ;D ;D ;D ;D
FH
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Rebel,
Just found this thread, thought I'd add to yr statistics ;) Are u still counting?? I'm 2 years older than my H....
The only time I ever felt like he treated me like his mother was right after BD....His OW was 19 yrs younger than him!
Fp
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I'm two years older than my ExH..
ExOW was the same; with a birthday two days earlier than mine...
if you don't think that didn't blow my mind :o :o
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I'm a year Younger.
BUT the woman he left me for is a DECADE older than him and looks TWO decades older. She's literally the most unattractive woman I've ever seen. And is allegedly a ladder climbing biatch.
Please explain that one :)
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I am one year older than my H but I am looking much younger. People also always thought my H was older than me. OW is ten years younger but looks terrible and a decade older than me. Thats what D, who once met her, told me.
But...also his brothers initially married an older woman. Now they are with their 2nd, 3rd or even 4th woman. All these women are younger but they are all very very very unattractive and all looking much older than they really are.
Their first wives: all still very beautiful women and looking way younger than they really are.
Has the fact that they choose such an ugly and unattractive woman something to do with low self esteem?
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Niek, don't know if it's low self esteem, suggests it a bit doesn't it. My H is with a girl 14 yrs younger and we looks and acts it. He seems to be head over heels in love with her. I think she's quite attractive but my friend said she just looks like a gawky teen! I don't get it in terms of her maturity, she must be so annoying, my friend who has met says she is and pretty immature. Feel like my H really needs to punish me for making him so unhappy. He sees me as his mother and he has suppressed rage at the way she abandoned him and the way she treated him. He's been and is in denial about that anger towards her but he is having hypnotherapy and it seems to be coming out. I told him I had always thought he had latent or misplaced anger at his mum and his step mum! When I started to live with him I asked him to help with housework and he would get so defensive and not lift a finger and then one day he said I made him feel like his step mother did when she wanted him to hel out. Is this my fault or his?
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Yes, his fault of course. How could you know. Helping with the housework I think is quite normal, especially when both partners have a job. I guess he never talked to his (step)mother, he never told them what really bothered him so later in live he is projecting it all on to you. That seem to be the problem with all/most MLCers.
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Oh yes I think there's a whole lot of projection going on for these MLCers! My H had been doing it since I met him!
I need to remember whenever my H opens his mouth that he is probably projecting something! Talk about passive aggression, he epitomises it I think!
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Well, I'll add mine to the list. I am 5 years older than my exH. His first wife was also a couple of years older than him. At first, I wasn't very comfortable with the difference in our age but he was so convincing that age didn't matter. I have always been told I look years younger than I am. Ha, ha. Also, my exH's twin brother's wife is 10 years older..........and.........honestly.......she looks it!
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I am 12 years older than H. OW is 7 years older. Never an issue for us. But maybe he has a mother fixation????