Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: truth_seeker on January 09, 2011, 11:19:51 AM
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I recently read somewhere on another forum that there was a correlation between the length of the marriage to the esimated length MLC awakening. For example: If you were married 19 years then it is estimated it will take 19 months for the MLC S to awaken. In others words 1 month for every year married.
On looking at some of the success stories on other forums it appears a relatively good estimate. I know there are now guarantees but just curious if others have seen this. Any thoughts?
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Doubt there's a correlation. If MLC is not about the marriage, why would the length of marriage matter? It may correlate with the LBS willingness to stick it out though...
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I sure hope not..I have heard that it takes a month for each year of marriage to "get over him". I think it is very individual..personally, the only time frame that I consider valid is what freaked me out totally when I first came to this site, a minimum of 2 years after BD before they even start to go through what they need to..a minimum of 2 years..I was positively shocked but I now believe it can be much longer than that as well and I doubt any shorter.
I try not to measure it by time anymore but by the progress I am making. When I think back to last January, I was barely functioning so I have made great progress since then.
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Hi TS
I think there is in reality very little credible evidence about MLC ie doubt there is any "scientific" evidence about the correlation, will be anecdotal. I suspect that this site will be the largest potential study ever into the MLC journey so will offer some valuable insight here if we all keep posting our journeys.
Think the MLC journey is so individual and so affected by many things there will be great variety - so here's hoping ours are the short journey type eh ! ;)
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so here's hoping ours are the short journey type eh !
Warning; hijack coming. :)
Nope you don't, either; and I will tell you why. My husband's journey was a 3 year journey...while within it, he had an affair; and he had a MULTITUDE of issues to face; and he faced them all but ONE...it came back to bite him after his exit from the tunnel; during the "settling down" process that ALL MLC'ers DO go through.
He spent 6 years in that process; bringing this WHOLE entire process to 11 years total.
The journey that started in 1999, ended in 2010..and at this time, he is still finishing what he started so long ago.
I had NOT seen this final child during his initial journey; and I didn't realize that he'd tried to set it aside so he would not have to face it, or so he thought.
It wouldn't have mattered even if I'd known ahead of time; the fact was this was still HIS journey; not mine. I couldn't have done anything to help him.
Out of that, along with the fact that it took me 6 years to navigate my own transition; and I missed NOTHING during that journey; I learned this:
IF ALL ISSUES are NOT faced during the initial journey; what is missed, or set aside, WILL come back to haunt or even BITE the MLC'er later on.
The longer they stay in the tunnel, the more likely they will face their issues and the aspects in FULL.
And you want them to return to the marriage whole; not in pieces.
It was nothing that I had done to cause my husband's interruption in processing..it was HIM..and like before, it had everything to do with him, and not me.
I had finished my journey in full, as I was going into the transition.
The timing on any of the MLC/Transitional journeys is up to the INDIVIDUAL going through, not anyone else.
Although you will change and grow; in turn helping them change and grow; being the stanchion they so desperately need, they will still set the pace of how they go through, and when they will finish.
This is a possibility that cannot be overlooked; it happened to my husband; and I figure it has happened to others..I just haven't found them yet.
End of hijack.
My thoughts on the original question in my next post. :)
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Thanks HB for that clarification. Although it scares me to think this could go on for so long. I'm having a hard time thinking about it being 2 years let alone longer. And my H is only the beginning in deep replay with OW! Ugh!
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I recently read somewhere on another forum that there was a correlation between the length of the marriage to the esimated length MLC awakening. For example: If you were married 19 years then it is estimated it will take 19 months for the MLC S to awaken. In others words 1 month for every year married.
We were married 14 years when my husband started through the tunnel; 16 years when he started through the awakening process; within one month after our 16th wedding anniversary; which would have put his awakening at 21 months after his crisis began....the length of our marriage had nothing to do with his awakening.
He went into his awakening when he was SUPPOSED to go into it, triggered by my discovery of his addiction to pornography; no sooner, no later...and no one has any control over the time it takes for the MLC'er to "awaken"...they will either awaken or they will not.
This another one of those "crap shoot" kind of things; they either will or they won't; or it will take a LONG time to happen...no one KNOWS when or how.
Only God knows these things; His time is certainly not ours....
Nothing makes this crisis go any faster; I can tell you from experience; it will run its course, because it is truly a process.
As each person is different, each MLC is different; what one will do another will not do. :)
Have a good one.
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Thanks HB for that clarification. Although it scares me to think this could go on for so long. I'm having a hard time thinking about it being 2 years let alone longer. And my H is only the beginning in deep replay with OW! Ugh!
Although I missed most of what was going on, because of being so deep within my own transition; fear was the last thing on my mind, when I discovered that things were not as I had left them.
My changes were complete; with some added aspects; and I had NO fear of this extended time; I remember thinking it was totally unfair after all I'd gone through to bring this marriage back together..and now this was the order of the day.
My memories were totally fragmented; and though I remembered some things; some things were totally out of my grasp...I only knew that I hadn't signed on for the crap I was looking at; and everything I did was not having any affect on my husband.
He was completely out of control, and I had reached the end of my rope.
You do reach the point where you want to throw in the towel; and I was at that point.
If the Lord hadn't moved the way He did for our marriage; I'm unsure of what I would have done.
First, the final child was shown to me; then I waited and watched to see what would happen; coming down on my husband in the process for his irresponsibility toward our household bills.
Finally; after doing everything the Lord had instructed me to do for nearly a year; and nothing was working, I had had all I could stand.
I remember asking the Lord to either do something or move him out my way; I could do nothing else...I couldn't control him; I couldn't change him; I could do nothing with this rebellious person I was dealing with. Boundaries did NOT work with him; he was crossing them right and left, because he COULD.
He seemed to be much worse than what I'd dealt with when he was going through the initial tunnel.
I gave him to the Lord to deal with, lock, stock and barrel and left him there at the Lord's feet, knowing the Lord would help me; and went on with my life. Not long after that, the Lord showed me that something would happen to bring him down in three months; He didn't say what it was, but that things would change; just hold on for a little while longer.
My husband broke his ankle two months later; and the final processing began after a HUGE pity party on his part. The child took over completely for a time; and tried to torment both son and me..but it didn't work; and so, the child had to be put behind by my husband; and I began to see true change in him that has been ongoing ever since.
It has been nearly a year since then; and I'm seeing the man I should have seen all those years ago, emerge; and this man has been worth the wait. :)
I'd always known that if/when the MLC'er allowed their crisis to work on them, they do come out changed people...and I could not ask for a better man at this time.
God truly did work a miracle within our marriage; bringing about restoration; and completion; and I'm so thankful for what He did; and for what I went through.
I can't say it was that easy; it wasn't...I was loaded down with the responsibility for paying our bills, but God provided for me in that way; He met our needs; and everything got paid on time.
My husband could see for the FIRST time in his life, that I really did NOT need him for anything; and it irked him to no end; killing his pride.
I let him wallow in self pity; and I explained more than once when he wanted me to come home all of the time, that I couldn't, because I had bills to pay...and he got a healthy taste of the way he'd talked to me...I didn't do it on purpose, but if I hadn't kept our bills paid; we would have lost everything..and I wasn't going there.
As time went on, however, I began to see what this event was doing to him; it was forcing him forward; and forcing him to face himself once again....like before.
I don't know for sure when it will truly "end"; but that doesn't matter; we are still together, working it all out; and the changes he's making are all positive.
That's why I say, MLC doesn't end with a bang, it goes out with a whimper; two people who are stronger, more mature, and are better able to face life separately, AND together.
And this takes time; and a process that must be gone through completely.
I know it's changed me for the better; and after facing this; I can face anything. :)
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HeartsBlessing,
You speak of the different Children you seen your H go thru. What things did you see to determine that it was a child? I don't see my H at all but my girls do and i am wondering if they might have seen some child things from him. They tell me things about him at times. I am just courious. i think he may be acting like a child in some of his actions but didn't know if there ewas any clues as what to look for.
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Hamp
When the children come out to play your H acts and behaves just as that child would whatever the age. It is very obvious especially if they are young. Older teenages are harder to pick out.
For instance my H was a 9 year old. He wandered around the house looking in all the rooms as he didn't recognise the place. Then he lay on the floor watching his S16 building models completely in awe like a child would be. He was also unable to cook tea effectively, got lost in his own town. only remembered the shops as they had been in the 70's and wasn't sure where to park by the house. He spoke like a 9 year old and behaved like one. It really spooked my D who thought he had completely lost his marbles!
xx
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Funny you mentioned that he go lost in town and didn't remember shops. My H didn't remember asking my daughter about an event one week and then asked the same thing the next week and my daughter called him on it and he said he didn't remember asking her that.
He also would say he had told me something and he didn't and then would get mad at me and swear he he had told me that. He couldn't remember when a friend of ours wife passed away and ask him one day how his wife was diong. Then when my h came home he asked me if the friends wife had died and if he had told me. I told him yes he told me awhile back.
Could this be the same thing or is this just part of MLC
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Wow! This question has forced me to look at the calendar...something I haven't done in awhile.
H's affair has been going on (and off) for almost 3 years! BD was 2 1/2 years ago. Geez, I can't believe so much time has passed. If you had told me this timeline then....?????
(BTW, we have been together 25 years) When H starts to see the damage he has done, as well as the damage done to him in the past, he turns back away from it. I believe he is going through the storage boxes in his mind but he actually crawls in the box and closes the lid! He is so good at compartmentalizing, he cant see the forest for the trees... The kids and I both see the teenager he never was. (14 to 18 depending on the day) He skipped all the teenage stuff and went right from a little wounded boy to a man, accepting adult responsibilities.
I'm putting the calendar away again! 8)
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Well mine is waffleing between 17..and around 25 to 30 now. Only about 18 more yeras to go and he'll be where I'm seeing him where he actually is.
D18 said he bought a Caddlac this week (nothing new) but his father and my father were always luxury car kind of guys. I love them and so does he but with the price of gas I wouldn't even thnk about one I don't care what year the car is.
I've already got a semi sorta gas guzzler and am happy my job is only a block or two down the street. I can walk if I need to.
Guess one of the guys in the band told him he was going through a mid life crisis and his response was " I don't think so I'm way past mid-life" :o :o :o
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I got all excited because I was down to Just one more month of this crap, then I read the rest, damn
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I recently read somewhere on another forum that there was a correlation between the length of the marriage to the esimated length MLC awakening. For example: If you were married 19 years then it is estimated it will take 19 months for the MLC S to awaken. In others words 1 month for every year married.
On looking at some of the success stories on other forums it appears a relatively good estimate. I know there are now guarantees but just curious if others have seen this. Any thoughts?
Doubt there's a correlation. If MLC is not about the marriage, why would the length of marriage matter?
This is a bogus theory and Lovisntweakness has pointed out precisely why. If the theory were true the main premise of the site would be invalid: Your spouse's crisis is not about you, it's not about your marriage, it is personal.
Sometimes patterns are identified but they may match various poits of data. Some of those matches are coincidental. Consider that the theory might be true and the time between Bomb and Awakening are the same number of months as years of marriage.
Why might that be?
People get married at a variety of ages now days. But consider maybe there is a tight average for those who observe match to the theory...say 23-28 years old. The MLCer may go into MLC within a broad span. But maybe the time to between Bomb and Awakening is due to the time between the specific ages and not the coincidence that there was a marriage spanning that time. Maybe all MLC timelines are measured from age 19 or 25 or...
Now I don't buy that either. But it makes more sense than correlating it to the marriage. The other fuzzy part of that equation is Awakening. When is that? Which awakening is being referred? Awakening is also a process that may begin well before the crisis is over. Same with Acceptance. Those things happen in fits and starts and some pieces of the timeline are related to the interactions with the Standing spouse--an LBS who accepts the process of MLC rather than denies it or fights against it makes the transition smoother. An accepting LBS allows the crisis to happen as it is meant to happen. A fighting or denying LBS can result in a prolonged crisis.
The general length of a specific individuals crisis may have an ideal setting created by their own history, what is in their Shadow that they must face and integrate. Then there are real time elements--LBS interactions, additional crises such as illnesses or deaths, acts of God ex. hurricanes, national/international crises ex. 911, close/personal random acts of violence... the alienator: emotional blackmail, another MLCer, his or her spouse and family... And then there are a bunch of other unknown elements that factor in. Look at Jim Conway's range: 2-7 years. That's a pretty big span.