Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: unbroken on January 10, 2011, 12:51:53 PM
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This is really just a question. RCR talks a lot about Clinging Boomerangs. What other types are there?
EDIT:
Link back to contact types to register your MLC type
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1530.0
Oldpilot
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would also love to hear more on this! my h hasnt been "back", but at times it has been as if he never left...ie being here and doing the things a couple or family would do...
he also cuts grass, shovels snow fixes and builds things...the list goes on...but then the subject of divorce gets thrown in for a loop again...
sorry not much input, but you arent alone! I dont know if I would describe my h as clingy either, it just like when he is here...it is still like we are "real" h and wife and then the s@#! hits the fan, like he is too close or something...
hugs,
L
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RCR has a lot of info in the articles and in the newsletters. She explains it best! I think it is under contact types...
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Article on contact types:
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html
Article on clinging boomerangs:
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types_clinging-boomerang.html
If RCR has expanded discussion about off-and-ons or vanishers, I can't find the articles at the moment...
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I don't think he's in his own special category.
There are going to be shades along the spectrum of Boomerang / Off-and-On / Vanisher. If one spouse makes contact every 4 weeks and another spouse makes contact every 6 weeks, it's still the same thing.
From what I was able to get out of your story, he sounds like a Vanisher. Gone for long periods of time but checks in every once in a while.
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No he's a shade of something.
We are talking about humans here and we try and slot them and they never really fit perfectly becasue they are human!!
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New thread discussing the options for Clinging Boomerangs.
My wife contacts me every day. We eat lunch together most week days.
Has told no one at work we are separated. Introduced me just yesterday to a co worker as her husband.
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FWIW,
my husband also contacts me everyday...he uses the kids as an excuse, but most days, doesnt even talk to them.
we eat together frequently, when he is home off of the road...he is a trucker...stays here at times and goes there at times, sometimes in the bed...others on the sofa
I have read RCR's writings about this, and dont know if I completely comprehend...people know we are separated...some people, not all...and for those that do, they think he is crazy for leaving, and that im just as crazy for putting up with his shat!
who knows...hopefully someday we can all fully begin to understand...
hugs,
L
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My H is a clinger too.
Visits every day. Eats with us sometimes. Asks me not to give up on him, frequently asks to come home, but doesnt actually do it.
Tells me he loves me and admits he can't stay away. Occasionally we do things as a family and in the summer he joined us on holiday.
Also, all his mail is still delivered here. His pre MLC clothes, his work computer and land line. Some people know we are separated but a lot of people including some of his work colleagues do not know he is not living here. He still carries a photo of me in his wallet, I saw it the other day.!
Most of our family can't understand why I put up with it. I wonder myself a lot of the time.
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I wish mine was more of a clinging boomerang right now. It's hard not to know where there are and what they are up to. I guess it's for the best.
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I think it's harder to detach from a CB but honestly, I'm grateful for the contact, it gives me more hope that she values me, just having a tough time inside herself. I wonder if the Great Walenda's need a new tight rope walker?
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I wish mine was more of a clinging boomerang right now. It's hard not to know where there are and what they are up to. I guess it's for the best.
There are pros and cons to it. It can be harder to see them on a regular basis and know at the end of the day they're going to go back to their apartment/relative's house/OP's house.
And just because they check in, see how you're doing, express regret over what happened, etc., it doesn't mean that they're progressing any further through the tunnel.
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I agree with SS!
pros and cons...
in my sitch it seems easier when he is not here everyday anymore...easier to love from a distance, and not be so wrapped up in their crap...find that the house is much more at peace...no tension
on the other hand I do appreciate the phone calls and/or texts, letting me know what is going on too..it helps to make me a little more confident on how I am handling things...HE calls me...
hugs,
L
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OhI have a clinging boomerang too, he no longer says I love you though for a while he did and then he would say 'you know I love you' which frustrated me.
With him back in the house, under these strange circumstances I have really detached. really odd that it took him to come back for me to move back.
It is hard to have it shoved in your face but I spose if you ask H he would have said me refusing to contact was harder. Personally it is hard either way.
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Mine is a CB also ::) ... h has left and returned 5 times.... the longest he managed without contacting me was 4 days... but i wouldn't let him in the house for 3 weeks as one of my boundaries for him seeing ow again.
Just b4 Xmas he asked could he stay the night as it was bad snow and he didn't want to get stuck in his bedsit. That was 6 weeks ago and he is still here, he still pays the rent on the bedsit and he hasn't spoken about any plans.
I am having an op on 26th and i need him to look after me otherwise i know i wouldn't be able to contain myself from asking what is happening.....time I guess will tell, but at present I am trying to pave the way and stay detached.
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My H is a clinging boomerang too...I think. He is being very nice today - offering to take the kids to their practices, giving me time off, even getting interest back in his wood working hobby. He is either peeking out or recovering or being nice to me because of his co-dependency/abandonment issues.
I understand the CB, but I am looking for advice as to how to best handle this situation? Should I do anything differently then is suggested for dealing with MLC in general?
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Good Morning All:
My h is still being nice today, but more of a roommate than a spouse. He got up and plowed the driveway and shoveled the deck out back so the dog could get out, while I was at the gym. He offered to do an errand I don't want to do but I declined so he could watch the game on t.v. that he wants to watch.
Now he's cleaning up the basement. Not sure if he is cleaning up his shop area of the basement because he is getting more interested in his old hobbies, or if he is cleaning it up to get ready to sell the house.
I think the latter but I'm afraid to ask though words unspoken are how we got here in the first place. Perhaps he is hedging his bets either way.
I know the rule is no relationship talk, but this limbo and roommate behavior isn't getting me anywhere either. Patience has never been my strong suit....it is like teaching a dog not to sniff.
I remember reading that often when the LBS is ready to give up, that oftentimes things start to turn around...hoping that is true.
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I do have to agree.
I was thinking that trying to decide which group I should join.
I don't know what he is........
I have seen an on and offer, who vanishes for long periods (around 5 months) inbetween.
I have seen much the same thing LIW.
HUGS
x
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"Just wanted to say that I now think that MLCers can change contact types."
Yes, they can. Whichever contact type they are in, they tend to remain in for quite a bit of time.
From the Contact Types article
MLCers may move on the spectrum--though they remain relatively static most of the time. When they move, they usually stay in a contact type for long periods.
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My H has been in MLC at least 3 years.
At first he was definately low energy, and just sat in front of his computer getting lost in his own depressed thoughts.
As he started to express his feelings, he seemed to gain more energy, and his behaviour changed. He started to see OW, and wanted to live by himself (but was clinging at the same time, because he didn't want to go). He was full of contradictions and confusion.
He left (at my suggestion, because he said he wanted to go and I needed boundaries) several times. Each time he went, he made excuses to stay in touch, to come back.
Finally, he came back, and was more connected, but still had the idea that he needed to be by himself. He's still not out of MLC, still lost and confused, but now back to being low energy, but less depressed than before.
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My h is definately a clinging boomerang......but i wouldnt want it any other way as i get the choice if when to contact...if i dont he never lets me down.......the longest for Him was 3 days without contact but thats because he didnt have the car and he dropped and broke his phone lol xxxxxxxxxxxx
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mine too before this 3 days but we are now on day 4 so maybe he will change we will see :)
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The old links for clinging boomerangs don't work. Here's a new one:
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types_clinging-boomerang.html
(http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types_clinging-boomerang.html)
Clinging Boomerang Traits
Seeks Reassurance May request that you be strong for them, believe in them, not turn your back...
Dependent and even co-dependent
Multiple Returns--or desire to return on multiple occasions
Pursuer Frequent contact which may include begn-pleading
Frequent Touch-n-Goes
Acknowledges the spouse as the spouse
Hopes to return someday--openly or secretly
Possible issues fearing abandonment
May continue to profess love for their spouse
Scared of losing the spouse May verbalize this as losing the friendship or may be more direct and fear the spouse will find someone else.
The first two or three in the list are the most telling traits.
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thanks mermaid my h is all them in the last post........Hg lets see if your h contacts you today mmmmmm xxx
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I think my H boomerang has lost its cling...he seems quite happy with NC now :(
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For now...
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Thanks Mermaid keep me on track :)
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Hi Hg i wonder if your h is in stage 4 end of depression or already stage 5.... go and HB,s 6 stages it will make you feel better ive copied withdrawal for you xxxxxx
5th Stage of a Mid Life Crisis
WITHDRAWAL
Now, the Mid Lifer has been beginning to face his/her issues while in Depression, and what they've seen has NOT been pretty. They've done so MUCH damage, and don't really know how to "fix" it, and that has made them even MORE depressed.
So, for a time, they conclude that life is not worth much, and so they "drop out" of life or WITHDRAW, hence the stage of Withdrawal.
It is also during this time, they will navigate obstacles and question themselves, somewhat, working their way toward what is called the "final fears" Not much is known about what the final fears contain-I think it is beginning to accept the death of everything they have ever known, including the death of their "old" lives; AND beginning to accept their own mortality without being afraid of it-Depression sets them up for this journey across an open field toward an archway to face these fears. During this time, they will NOT communicate with ANYONE, not even their spouse, as they are drawn so far within, no one can reach them. They MUST be allowed to continue, with NO interruptions, just like before-they will NOT come out until they are READY to come out.
Just like in Depression, they want to left alone, still processing their issues and the damage they have done to their spouse and their lives, and they make several decisions during this time concerning their lives, job, and marriage. But those WON'T be known UNTIL they break Withdrawal and talk to their spouse the first time
They are still secretive, somewhat asserting their privacy, much like a teen-ager, but during this time, they must be gently but firmly led along, and only when the time is right-a wrong word at the wrong time will cause them to "stick" within the tunnel.
You will see some Depression and Anger within them, they are mostly angry at themselves, but will take it out on you, and there are times you will have to be quiet and just leave them alone; letting them work things out, and they usually will, as the answers, such as they are STILL come from within them, not outside sources.
As they begin to come forward, they will begin the journey out of the tunnel-entering the first stage of Acceptance.
Withdrawal can last from three months to one yea
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Thanks WGH i have read this before but not in a while...I guess this makes sense because he was so close. we were sleeping next to each other, cuddling, holding hands for a whole week ....then the next day he just didn't come here, no phone call to say , I am sleeping in the flat nothing, of course i got pi***d and told him to stay away :-[ I do have to be more tolerant but once again it is the fine line between the door and the doormat.
LIW lets hope this is where they are at ...I am getting so tired of feeling so drained and although I love contact with him, when progress seems so slow it often feels never ending :(
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Does a clinging boomerang have to ask if they can return home and tell you how they feel about you?
I think my husband is a clinging boomerang. We have been dealing with this crisis a little over 4 years now. He has an apartment but sleeps here most of the time. Even now that our four children are in school. He has not told me how he feels about me in that time, just mean monster junk. He has never asked me about coming home. He has mentioned it to his sister and brother. He still spends all the holidays with us and even went with us on a family trip at the begining of this month.
I just do not know what to think anymore. I am teeter tottering because I am tired and want a change but I still love my husband very much and still pray for reconciliation, yet I sometimes feel as if I get crumbs from him and its making me upset. A few months ago before school started we actually had no contact for seven days. Then he showed up and wanted to know if I was mad at him.
I guess he is a clinger, but other wives with clingers have their husbands tell them they love them. I have not heard that in years.
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I think my H is a clinging boomerang, several people on here seem to think he is. He lives with OW, moved in with her the night he left. He still comes home about twice a week to see the D's, takes care of things around the house when he's there, still pays the bills, everything but his clothes are there and his mail still comes there. He does NOT ever say he wants to come back, and never gives me the indication that he regrets his decision. I guess that is the part that throws me off, he seems to want to make it clear sometimes that he only comes over for the D's and when he's not home there is NO CONTACT, he doesn't call, text or anything. This is some of the reason why I wonder if he would really be classified as clinging...
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I think my W may be a Clinger. I won't rehash all the details as most here are familiar with me but I would like opinions in this. Thanks!
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No question Thundarr - your W is a clinger.
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Hi,
Posting because I tried to "join the group" but can't figure out how to do this. But I guess I will just get a notification anyway whenever someone writes since I am posting. Hi everyone!
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Mine is definitely a Clinging Boomerang. I do miss the clinging part of it but I grow so much more when he is in boomerang status.
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Mine is a CB too............or a rubber ball that keeps bouncing back for more............now wheres that tennis racket or baseball bat lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I guess he is a clinger, but other wives with clingers have their husbands tell them they love them. I have not heard that in years.
I would label mine a clinger; he moved only 8 miles away, left almost all of his stuff here, calls S10 at least twice a day and I see him almost every weekend, mostly under the guise of seeing S10 but he offers wine and dinner and we chit chat. He also does not tell me he loves me. Like his tongue would fall off if those words came out of his mouth..... :(
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I guess he is a clinger, but other wives with clingers have their husbands tell them they love them. I have not heard that in years.
I would label mine a clinger; he moved only 8 miles away, left almost all of his stuff here, calls S10 at least twice a day and I see him almost every weekend, mostly under the guise of seeing S10 but he offers wine and dinner and we chit chat. He also does not tell me he loves me. Like his tongue would fall off if those words came out of his mouth..... :(
You can add me to that list; my wife moved 45 minutes away but I see her at least once a week, sometimes more. Heck, I've talked to her every day this week so far. Sometimes I don't hear from her for close to week.
The last time I heard her say "I love you" was months ago, and it was to the kids of some of our best friends. I did get an "I miss you" a couple of months after she moved out, but I can't remember the last time she told me she loved me. (Actually, that's not true; she did say it once about 6 months after BD; I think it was a reflexive response.)
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I really don't know what mine is????
Sometimes he contacts me every 2 days and sometimes every4 days. He says its cause he wants to c the kids but we always end up talking about us. Last time we spent 46 mins on the phone talking about our relationship. He always insists that he was with me only for the kids and that he was 'trying'. I moved to my new place 3 weeks ago and he only came once to c the kids. I really don't know, any help pls :'(
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Does anyone know how long it take to settle into a contact "type" after the MLCer moves out of the home? I have read that they can change from one contact type to the other. Not sure if this usually happens after they move out or not.
Thanks!
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I really don't know what mine is????
Sometimes he contacts me every 2 days and sometimes every4 days. He says its cause he wants to c the kids but we always end up talking about us. Last time we spent 46 mins on the phone talking about our relationship. He always insists that he was with me only for the kids and that he was 'trying'. I moved to my new place 3 weeks ago and he only came once to c the kids. I really don't know, any help pls :'(
Sounds like for the moment he is clingingDoes anyone know how long it take to settle into a contact "type" after the MLCer moves out of the home? I have read that they can change from one contact type to the other. Not sure if this usually happens after they move out or not.
I think there is no set time limit on anything in MLC other than it takes a LONG time.
Usually you can see things looking backwards after some time has gone by.
That is why journalling here about yourself and your spouse is good for looking backwards and seeing changes.
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Thank you OP, I agree, I do need to journal more ::) Thanks again for the advice.
BH
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My H is definitely a CB. He moved out just over two months ago. We have almost daily contact. He comes by to do yard work or for any other reason that he can think of. He comes when he needs to see our children (which are adults) He took most of his clothes when he left but did leave about 1/4. He has tools in the garage that he needs for work. He has not changed his mailing address. So he has many reasons to come.
We go on frequent outings (dates??) and family outings as well. We text each other daily and he does tell me that he loves me often (I no longer know what that means though). He came by this morning on his way to work to give me a hug. He said he still can't get focused to get much work done. I told him to pray. My oldest daughter asked me if I had become the OW? I really didn't know how to respond. Interesting.
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Not sure if we have this listed here somewhere, but I think it would be helpful to have a list of the threads with clingers. I have one and dealing with him is different than a regular MLCer, so I'd like to read about the other clingers for ideas...and peace of mind. Lol
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Hello! I have a clinger - visits home 2-3 hours everyday for the kids, at home whole Saturdays. Invites me out every once in a while, texts. Also a cake-eater. He puts us to sleep every once in a while, I can hear him sobbing. He told me he is dying of loneliness every night, then within the same convo tells me he enjoys his alone time. When I distance myself, he pursues. But when he gets his way, it's as if he's won some kind of competition.
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Clingers are definitely a different breed. I am still living with my H 2 years after BD :o he won't leave - actually he doesn't think there is any issue with us still living together. This situation will be changing soon but only because I am not accepting any more.
Another clinger thread is superdog's. Her H has not left either - 4 years now I think. Songandance has/had a clinger too - I think he recently moved out after 2 years. There are more, I just can't remember everyone's situation.
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Mine moved out and is living with the OW now, but for the first 8 mo after BD, he stayed here every other weekend. Once they moved into the funeral home they live in, he has only stayed here a couple times, but needs to visit usually once a month. When he does, he seems like he doesn't want to leave. He texts me a good morning every day, except Sunday. lol
I thought he was drifting away after Thanksgiving, but then he gave us all gifts for Christmas and his attention to me has been building since then. He was going to stay the night last Friday, but the OW caught him lying to her so now he's having his phone monitored by his new mommy...except that I told him how to delete individual texts so now he has resumed his normal texting with me...and ramped it up a bit more.
Will look your threads up. Thanks!
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i had a clinger he live at home for 18 months(BD Jan 2012) moved out stayed in hotels then ow moved up here he still clinged for the whole year he moved out then vanished bit reappeard then disappeared again for 6 weeks in new year this year , he is still keeping in touch i am stronger ow tha i was had car accident ad he got in touch , i didt tell him son tweeted something , he rang first time had spoken to hi since new year , then he emailed the other night becuase i hadnt been in touch to let him know how i was ??
he sent me a text yesterday to tell me he had sent me an emailthe day before but becuase i hadnt answered (remebering the rule of three s and d ) to see how i was so i just answered and said i was ok and son was having physio very nice to just matter of fact , we still not divorced but have had decree nisi since 2012 , he doest push aything.
very hard with some big touch ad goes ad some small ones otoo , wish could post more but my brain not working lol x
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My clinger hasn't lived with me for a year. H is still texting the kids ( used to send me a text daily ), now emailing me daily. He refuses to work with my lawyer, says he wants a divorce, but seems to be all talk.
I've initiated NC, and he ignores it. Tells me all the time that we don't have to work with lawyers, and should be able to do arbitration/mediation. When I agree he panics and then changes his mind about what he wants. H still tries to get me to make all the major decisions, and then fights me on all of them. CC has been for him to monster spew at me.
My kids have now initiated NC, and he's tried everything he can to get him to contact him. It's driving him nuts apparently. My OD lives with him, and he's resorted to getting her to try to get her sisters to talk to him. He's written guilt ridden emails to both me and my younger girls. If I even say, "yes" to a question, he starts the whole CC clinging.
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Attaching
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I haven't had monster since last April. I know he still monsters at his work, as he's told me about that, but not toward me at all.
Mine is always charming, with a sprinkle of smarta$$ thrown in. The way he treats me when he's here is almost back to the way he was when we were good, except that he lives with OW. He gives me these long hugs before he leaves, smells my hair. His eyes say one thing and his mouth says another.
Some days I feel like my MLCer is a breed of his own...
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Mine is a super clinger even though we live in different states.
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Mine is a super clinger even though we live in different states.
Try having one living outside the continental US. ::)
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l actually wouldn't mind having a clinger . At least you know they haven't forgotten you and are having trouble deep down leaving .
Could call mine a few things but clinger she's not . That just makes you feel like sh@t . like they've just walked off , new life , gone and forgotten.
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I still feel walked out on and forgotten. Just because he's always in my face doesn't mean I don't feel like I've been thrown away and tossed to the side like I was nothing. His new life is always in my face. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It makes it harder to detach and harder to heal and just because I know he's miserable doesn't mean it's easier on me to see it.
So yes on one hand we get to see the chaos but on the other hand we have to deal with all the drama that comes with all that chaos. Detached, nc, whatever. It's still there. Some clinge don't care about the contact boundaries. I know mine doesnt. He'll contact anyway.
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Hawk, In some ways it does feel good to see the care your MLCer has for you. Or at least I thought that in the beginning. But now its 7 months and H has a serious relationship with OW. And after a few Touch and Goes I realize he's not going to end it. So the kindness and slight affection he shows is actually pretty painful because it isn't anything you can hold on to. And like blackice says, it makes detachment so much harder.
I start getting a life and laughing and feeling strong and then I get a text about how he 'had a dream about me and he cant get it out of his mind'. WTF? It stops me in my tracks and then I wonder what he's feeling, what should I do or say, have I been too distant, do I tell him I have heart-wretching dreams about him and us nearly every night, should I make sure he knows I'm here for him...
Arghh. Now its all about him again! If I make the mistake of getting drawn into his affectionate conversation, it inevitably comes back to how I am to blame, how I pushed him away, etc.
Then I feel I've dropped back a few paces and have to start again, gather my resolve and to get back to my life.
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Hawk, In some ways it does feel good to see the care your MLCer has for you. Or at least I thought that in the beginning. But now its 7 months and H has a serious relationship with OW. And after a few Touch and Goes I realize he's not going to end it. So the kindness and slight affection he shows is actually pretty painful because it isn't anything you can hold on to. And like blackice says, it makes detachment so much harder.
I start getting a life and laughing and feeling strong and then I get a text about how he 'had a dream about me and he cant get it out of his mind'. WTF? It stops me in my tracks and then I wonder what he's feeling, what should I do or say, have I been too distant, do I tell him I have heart-wretching dreams about him and us nearly every night, should I make sure he knows I'm here for him...
Arghh. Now its all about him again! If I make the mistake of getting drawn into his affectionate conversation, it inevitably comes back to how I am to blame, how I pushed him away, etc.
Then I feel I've dropped back a few paces and have to start again, gather my resolve and to get back to my life.
I do believe there IS a clinger who sounds just like mine...dreams and all! I will say though, that I no longer get the blame for anything, but I know exactly what you're talking about. Mine used to say stuff and then when I'd respond in kind, he'd turn it around on me and make it into something bad...even though he started it. I learned real quick to not go too far with conversations like that. I'm not sure when he quit doing that, but I get all charm now. Maybe it's just that I don't push anything when I talk to him...easy-peezy-breezy is how I treat him if he's here.
My reply to the crazy dreams is "That's a heck of a dream." Then I just let it go. He's asked about my dreams & I did tell him once that I had a dream about him, but he's always thinking dreams are only about sex...so when I said my dream was that he was here in bed, snuggled up with me, with his arm around me, I thought he'd be disappointed. Instead, his reply was "That's a good dream too." :o I guess he liked that idea....who knows? lol I sleep so hard I rarely dream about anything, but it's only him I dream about if I do.
It IS hard to detach with a clinger. I find it easier to just have a lot of distractions to keep me from thinking about him constantly. I do better at that if he doesn't text me for a day, but he rarely goes a whole wknd without texting and during the week, he texts all day, everyday. He's very attentive...always a good morning, asks me what I'll be doing for the day, later on, he'll ask how that's going. It's all very sweet...but I keep my guard up...
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l actually wouldn't mind having a clinger . At least you know they haven't forgotten you and are having trouble deep down leaving .
Could call mine a few things but clinger she's not . That just makes you feel like sh@t . like they've just walked off , new life , gone and forgotten.
I wish I had a vanisher. A clinger is such a pain in the a**. They put you through all types of paces. I know that we all wish we had the opposite. In my case, I would welcome him being gone for about 6 months, then I could get my life together w/o the interference. I could move forward, and not be in the limbo half life from He**. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I've initiated NC, but H won't respect the boundary. I need it at this point to be able to continue thinking straight.
It's easy for me to say I want a vanisher because at this point, H is in monster spew. I'd rather he not contact me or the kids.
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Well I guess my H is termed a CB but doesnt totally fit. It's nearing the 1 year mark since he left and over that time (with the exception of 4 weeks) he has been in constant contact or comes out to see me and the kids every weekend and at one stage said "he just wanted to hang with us". But although always wanting to be here, or talking to friends as if he still lives with me, and not telling his friends or relatives of the split he always says "I am gone - not coming back". Which i have struggled with, as he seems cruel (is this his monster?) and his actions do not fit his words at all. So not sure whether the clinging is just guilt ... Anyway we had the most massive row of our entire 21years together last week so don't think I will hear from him in ages.
SC
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I think that the most heartbreaking part of dealing with a CC/BC, is the set up for rejection. The head games aren't so great either. Baiting/provoking/projecting are tiresome, and draining. He's not just messing with my head, but all 3 of my girls as well.
H is nice when he wants something. Really nice, but the constant talk of divorce, and not wanting to work with my lawyer is maddening. Think of it this way, they are constantly throwing their "new life" in our faces like there's some kind of prize in it. They say one thing, and do another as well.
When we go NC, they not only do it anyway, it seems to be driving them to contact. The constant need to get a reaction/attention to justify his bad behavior really pisses me off. That makes it even harder to detach and let go. They want us gone, but not really. They want to feed off of our pain, and make it look like it's our fault.
The worst part for me is when H also uses the kids to try to get to me. That's gut wrenching. They are confused and hurt too. But the need for drama, chaos, confusion, and turmoil are so great in him. If he has to use his own kids to continue it, then so be it.
I often wonder, if he wants out so badly, never loved me, and it's my fault that we're here: Then why can't he let me go?
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Here, existing thread about Boomerangs.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1536.0 - Boomerang
There are also RCR articles on the main site, a link to the articles can be found in my signature.
A clinger and a clingy boomerang are a little different. The first type is always on the LBS face, they probably come by the house everyday, contact several times a day, etc. A clingy boomerand has phases of being super super clingy and phases of being more datache, hence the boomerang.
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Here, existing thread about Boomerangs.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1536.0 - Boomerang
There are also RCR articles on the main site, a link to the articles can be found in my signature.
A clinger and a clingy boomerang are a little different. The first type is always on the LBS face, they probably come by the house everyday, contact several times a day, etc. A clingy boomerand has phases of being super super clingy and phases of being more datache, hence the boomerang.
Thanks for the link. I did not know there was a difference, but I definitely have the boomerang variety. He texts every day, but not always the same type of texts...and he visits on sort of a cycle.
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Mine is definitely a BC. It comes in cycles, more like waves. Sometimes they over lap, other times I get a reprieve. But, not for long. H is cycling faster these days because of NC. It's been easy to enforce since he doesn't live here. It doesn't stop him from trying, but it definitely has given me more control. Not looking at texts, emails, or taking calls has helped my peace of mind.
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I am thankful to not have much in the line of day to day drama. His cycles are longer...and I think he has two different ones.
One is this high energy, need to text about sex for a week, followed by 4 or 5 weeks of being more subdued. He'll be nice, just not so much texting and he won't say anything at all about sex those weeks. It's kind of weird.
His other cycle is when he comes to see me...he'll be chatty & fun for a week before, come visit & that will be really nice...and then I barely hear from him for the next two weeks. Rinse and repeat.
What makes it confusing is that these two cycles overlap. One is about 6-7 weeks long and the other is more like 3-4 weeks. I haven't figured out why he has two cycles...but he does.
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Songandance has/had a clinger too - I think he recently moved out after 2 years. There are more, I just can't remember everyone's situation.
Mine is definitely a clinger and has been since BD. Clingers show that they "need" the anchor perhaps more than most and this is why it is important to GAL as quickly as possible and as effectively as possible so that they see that you are able to function quite happily without them.
Sometime it is very difficult to detach especially if you choose believe that because he is a clinger he will change his mind and want back in.
The clinger keeps you dangling for as long as you let him. The clinger still believes that he is entitled to "his life" and that the LBS has to tolerate what he does because he "doesn't want to hurt anybody"
I sometimes think that the clinger is also more Naive than the leaver. They honestly believe that they can have the best of both worlds. They have to keep connected because of the children, the pets, the bills the house, the goldfish but NOT the spouse!
Clingers are exhausting because they never give you a break and a chance to detach. Your feet become hardened to all the eggshells you keep walking on. The LBS becomes too wound up in noticing the teeniest of details and spends a lot of wasted energy thinking carefully about every word and nuance in the conversations.
The clinger is devious and pathetic at the same time. The clinger knows how to manipulate and because you get very few chances to detach the clinger knows how to continue to push your buttons and ironically keep you clinging to him!
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Thank you, songanddance! I so needed to hear that again. It feels pathetic that I can still momentarily get sucked into the "see, I knew he loved me and wants me back" feeling! It is completely draining and frankly, a little humiliating.
Back to my mantra....Detach, GAL, detach, GAL, detach...
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Thank you, Songanddance. I too needed to hear that after today. I think mine is naughty texting at work to make his day more tolerable. He's hated his job since I've known him and is STILL there. Of course, now he has OW working with him, but apparently she doesn't do anything to help his day go better. He used to listen to an mp3 player, but broke that. So now he's texting me instead. :o it started off amusing, but, sometimes it goes creepy or weird. He backs off, but an hour later, he's back at it again.
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Hmm, l see the points and that must be hell. l've only really lived the one type of deal , mine unfortunately .
l do see quite a bit of her side though and l sometimes see traces around the house of om , when l come and go for my d and yep , it does fkg hurt like all hell so l could just imagine .
There's no easy way is there, no good, just pain and sh@t in whatever we do in this garbage.
l'm so thankful to have finally made it to somewhere else these days , though l'm not sure where the hell that is anyway but it's a lot better than before .
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I am thankful to not have much in the line of day to day drama. His cycles are longer...and I think he has two different ones.
One is this high energy, need to text about sex for a week, followed by 4 or 5 weeks of being more subdued. He'll be nice, just not so much texting and he won't say anything at all about sex those weeks. It's kind of weird.
His other cycle is when he comes to see me...he'll be chatty & fun for a week before, come visit & that will be really nice...and then I barely hear from him for the next two weeks. Rinse and repeat.
What makes it confusing is that these two cycles overlap. One is about 6-7 weeks long and the other is more like 3-4 weeks. I haven't figured out why he has two cycles...but he does.
l don't know if you call them cycles or wth but mine can change 3 times in one day , or wk , mth .
The longest run of one thing l've seen in her is remember patience , a mth or two back , hell l don't even know anymore but anyway , she was nice for about 6wks .
kiss that good bye though since , back to 3 in one day but , such is life or in this case W l spose . Doesn't effect me much anymore .
Though sometimes when she flicks back to nice again , l do feel like saying well fk you , just bc you feel like being nice again , l for one couldn't give a sh@t you know. Give her a taste of her own medicine.
Anyone tried that ?
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Anyone tried that ?
And does it make you feel better or bitter?
Meeting the MLCer on their own grounds is only going to keep any LBS stuck. Detach, GAL, apply the rule of 3 , step back, observe and grow!
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Anyone tried that ?
And does it make you feel better or bitter?
Meeting the MLCer on their own grounds is only going to keep any LBS stuck. Detach, GAL, apply the rule of 3 , step back, observe and grow!
I have to agree here with Songanddance. Nothing good is going to come of telling her off, plus it will make everything more uncomfortable for your D...and between you and your W. I know from reading your threads that you want to keep it decent for your D.
Just be the bigger person and go with that. Write what you want to say to her on your thread if you really want to get it out. I have written numerous letters to my guy...in a locked journal app on my ipad. It helps....and it's not said out loud for you to regret later.
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Yeah right . Well that is good to hear because all this time l've wondered about that sort of thing but nope,l've never played the game once .
Basically l've handled them exactly like you've said right through and just never bother with them , go about my business with my d and whatever type thing. Usually next time she'll be nice as pie again.
But there was one night just a few wks ago , W told me something and l replied with something else and she just said - " bullsh@t" , but l was amazed at how crudely and how so aggressively she actually said that. It was so not her .
Later l thought to myself , geez l wonder who it is she is around , that's turning her into this harsh , blunt type of person these days . She was never like that before .
Sometimes l think with her , it's as much about just plain old bad moods, bad day at work , money hassles, as anything else these days . She's had so much crap going on .
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Just to clarify I wasn't suggesting Hawk should refrain from saying anything - I was picking up on the comment that he says he feels like saying ....
This feeling is applicable to all of us - learning to bite our tongues and always aiming to rise above the cr*p that our MLCers give us is tiring.
So the "you" I refer to is all of the LBsers not Hawk per se.
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But there was one night just a few wks ago , W told me something and l replied with something else and she just said - " bullsh@t" , but l was amazed at how crudely and how so aggressively she actually said that. It was so not her .
Later l thought to myself , geez l wonder who it is she is around , that's turning her into this harsh , blunt type of person these days . She was never like that before .
Depression can do this. It can make you irritable.
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Yeah maybe B , damned if l know. l know you've been saying it for awhile which l should recognize the signs myself anyway because l was depressed badly during our last 18mths. Maybe l'm just too close to get a clear picture.
She was the same tonight , bordering plain rude . She did say she'd had the worst day at work ever though .
l spose one reason l never even think depression is because they leave us supposedly to some new wonderful life bc ours was apparently so bad they couldn't bare it any longer .
I was thinking just tonight , even in our last 3 or 4yrs though it was often hard to be nice to her . She was nowhere near as bad as she is now though.
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l spose one reason l never even think depression is because they leave us supposedly to some new wonderful life bc ours was apparently so bad they couldn't bare it any longer .
Depression is a big part of MLC. But they don't understand depression. They interpret it as being unhappy and they decide it must be our fault. So they go looking for happiness. And sometimes their Replay behaviors make them feel better by self-medicating the depression so they think they were right, that they were unhappy because they were with us. But eventually the depression comes back. It has for my wife and I think it has for your's, too. Still, you're there on the scene so you're in a better position to judge.
Also, I know you said your wife was early menopause. When was that and is she over it yet? That can sometimes make women irritable.
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I was going to say that too...changing hormones can really do a number on us. I can tell it in myself, but I've learned to be aware of it. I would have to wonder if a person in a depression would pick up on that.
Also, does she drink anything with caffeine? I can drink a bottle of pop one day, and the next day, at about 24hrs after I drank it, I can be less than pleasant. It only happens for a short while...and not at all if I have a pop more than one day in a row...or not at all...just happens the day after the last time. I try not to drink it at all, but it happens some days.
There's so many things that can cause it to happen...just know that it is not you.
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l actually wouldn't mind having a clinger . At least you know they haven't forgotten you and are having trouble deep down leaving .
Could call mine a few things but clinger she's not . That just makes you feel like sh@t . like they've just walked off , new life , gone and forgotten.
Seems like a case of "the grass is always greener on the other side."
Clingers and boomerangs can drive you crazy with their back-and-forth, in-and-out of your life, and trying to stay off of the rollercoaster can be a full-time job. Watch them slip on the mask and pretend like everything is normal when around friends and family, while they've frozen you out emotionally. I've heard my wife actually say the words "I love you" less than a dozen times in the last five years, and most of those were to other family members. I can count the number of times she's said it to me on one hand, with fingers to spare.
It's been 4 1/2 years since my wife moved out and told me that she would be filing for divorce. When I talked to her about us in February, she said that she needed quiet time to figure out what she wanted and wasn't sure. Quiet time? She's had over four years on her own to figure things out. If you count the time when she lived in our spare bedroom and was having an online emotional affair, and we're getting close to six years.
I find my solo life is easier to manage when she isn't around. I'm able to keep my finances in order, I get out and socialize on a regular basis, and I dropped almost 40 pounds since she left—though about 10 of them have crept back on. I go where I want and I can watch whatever I want on TV or at the movies. I took a trip to Indianapolis last year that I don't think I would ever have done if we were still together (at least the way things were before).
The only thing I don't have in my life is a partner. I still wear my ring, because I'm still married. I don't date, and I try to stay away from situations which may compromise my Stand.
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Clingers and boomerangs can drive you crazy with their back-and-forth, in-and-out of your life, and trying to stay off of the rollercoaster can be a full-time job.
Staying off their roller coaster has to be the hardest part. It seems easy enough to get off, but all it takes is one visit and you're back on that thing again! You eventually learn to ride it and can anticipate the ups & downs, twists & turns
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Are most clingers cake eaters? They still want you to be in their life but not willing to give up their "new" lifestyle either?
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l've heard horror stories of some of the things some women do going through menopause . l had to go and see a doc after bd , and when l told him she come into early menopause he was horrified she'd do the bd while in that state .
Mine came into it and deep deep depression 12mths before bd but she completely hid it from me.
That's the first thing l said when she did tell me and bd'd all in the same paragraph but she insisted no , that had nothing to do with her decision . Never know for real now l guess but sometimes l think maybe she was right these days and maybe it didn't after all .
There was so much going on with us through that time , the thought of her going through that on top of it , scary .
l'd say she is still going through it B but we don't touch on any personal stuff at all now so l don't know . The doc told me some can take 5 or 6yrs to get through it and the fact that she came into it so early , he wasn't sure how long it might take .
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I'm with StillStanding, My ex, who was a big time clinger, absolutely drove me crazy. 100% kept me pinned with hope...for 4 years!!
We did a lot of stuff together..albeit with the kids, so much that I started to believe that the OM must be getting pissed! lol The last time I heard my ex though say I love you to me was at BD with her ILYBNILWY speech! ;D..
Solo life is fine for me also, I went through the 'period' of being alone and 'what people must be thinking' stage. Now I don't care and from people I know and their R, I think some even envy me! ;D The world is 'hooked' on being a couple and for good reason as that is the way mother nature intended..My 'breeding years', ;D ...are over though, and mother nature no longer requires me to 'be in a relationship'..
ceecee2, I guess you could call the time me and my ex spent together as cake eating for her..I eventually saw it as 100% confusion though and never really thought she was taken advantage of me for her own manipulative reason's..sometimes she had tears in her eyes, like she was torn or she was trying to find where the feelings for me went. I saw a lot of MLC in her, could not be anything else.
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How do you reply, when they say they want to come home, but you know they're not yet ready?
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Does yours grace ?
Earlier , l would have said if your sure why not , she can work through it at home . But l don't know if l'd even want her home now but not because of that , but because l don't really like the person she seems to be these days much. Then again , maybe this new her is her working through , no clue .
But my biggest concern with mine would be which one do l get the old one or the new one .
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Hawk, right now, she's like the one in the chrysalis. Before, she was a cute caterpillar...and when she comes out, perhaps she'll be a pretty butterfly....or a moth. Take your pick. ;) Either way, she won't be the cute caterpillar or the chrysalis ever again.
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Nope, but it feels like the first time he went back home. I don't want to make the same mistake I did back then, so I want to be prepared.
How do you not alienate them? Or should you?
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l'd be real worried if there was a first time earlier .
Then ,l don't think they'll be happy , they're just getting desperate and confused and thinking this time , they can make it work but a few mths in , whatever it was the first or second time , is still in there.
One guy l know , said they got back 5 times . He said to me early on , if you do get back and it doesn't work out the first time , do yourself a favor and kiss it goodbye then and there .
Wish l knew Grace . l chose not to with mine because l wanted it to be the best it could for my d and keeping things ok and working with w was the best way for that.
But lots of people went nc , it seems so hard but most of them say they're glad they did .
l do know if there were no kids involved , l would have def' not seen anymore of w once l was convinced it was over .
But l think if l was hoping to R later on , l would try to cut them of in a way that they do still know ,this isn't what l wanted and l am still approachable if they wanna talk.
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Nope, but it feels like the first time he went back home. I don't want to make the same mistake I did back then, so I want to be prepared.
How do you not alienate them? Or should you?
You are right - he will not be ready. What you could say is something like " I appreciate you want to come home but my priority is stability for our children. I do not think that you are ready to come home just yet and am not prepared to have the children's lives disrupted if you leave again. The current arrangement of seeing the children as often as you do is fine by me. However you have issues to deal with and it would not be fair to visit them upon our children. Therefore I do not think it wise for you to come home until you are genuinely ready to be a fully appropriate father and husband."
He might ask what that means. Sorry not been able to catch up on your thread but if there is an OW then she has to be gone and completely gone. He has to be open and honest and prepared to work on himself and the marriage.
Have a think.
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I also have a CB and he is my ex. In order for me to detach I needed to move away it was so draining. He agreed and we moved out of the country for a year. At the beginning for the first 6 months I stayed strong with no contact but he would try and contact every couple of weeks. When we went back for the holidays it was tough. I tried to stay civil but he would always make approaches. I just knew I was going back out of the country. Phew..needed to de-dramatize.
Now he is worse contacts me every week and sounds very depressed. He also moved out of OW place during the holidays. Not sure what that meant but still with OW and still contacts me often. It is frustrating but I am glad I moved away it was much easier to detach.
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I have a clinging boomerang who doesn't talk to me or live with me. He stays in constant contact through technology an a STRONG mental connection. My typing is monitored and he somehow spys on all of my phones by listening to all of my calls. His desire was to have two wives, make us all one big happy family of course without my connect.
It drives me batty! I do not subscribe to polygamy or him having two wives. I see it cheating/infidelity and would much rather any other MLC type so that I wouldn't have to bear witness to his infidelity or be dragged around in it!
I recently have been strong enough to block him everywhere and let him know I've separated from him in hopes he begin to work on his childhood issues and stop blaming me for his problems. It's been grand yet I wonder when he comes out of the tunnel will he realize what he's done and come back to me without that other woman and we can work on US alone? Time will tell, in the mean time, I give thanks to this site in teaching me to work on and focus myself.
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My typing is monitored and he somehow spys on all of my phones by listening to all of my calls.
You do know that's not only wrong, but absolutely illegal, right?
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Samurai, I know this, yet I've done my research and it appears there are apps for EVERYTHING! I've googled what he does, and it's not just him, yet his friends.I also know there are ways to get around his spying, that he doesn't know. He seems to see that as protecting me some way. Thanks for your concern.
For so long I had no idea what was going on. with this and had NO knowledge on MLC, figured out everything he doubted about me, were just questions he had about himself! He was/is projecting.
I've blocked him from everything I could.
http://phonesmstracker.com/how-can-i-listen-to-someone-phone-calls-remotely/