Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: ArmySpouse on August 27, 2015, 12:39:27 PM
-
OK this is a total weird question I know.. :o
is it just by working out your own issues ??
because some people do not ever experienced a MLC and others do ..
and of course they do that because they have issues ,emotional stuff that they have never worked out ..
but a lot of people have emotional problems and never experienced a MLC ..
so in order not to get into a midlife crises:
I was just wondering if there's anything one could do to prevent that ..
Again I'm just curious that's all !
-
I actually think focusing on, "Ok, what are my issues?!" and being in over-analysis mode can do more to bring a crisis on than not! The reality is, we are all going to go through changes, and at different times it will bring issues to the forefront. I was not expecting early menopause in my late 30s and bad side effects from bcps, or the recession to destroy my business. It wasn't that avoiding these things would have kept me out of crisis, but how I responded to them contributed to the rough time I had. I think that would be the biggest preventative to me, looking back, now.
So my advice -
1. Stay engaged in your physical health and mental well-being, don't be afraid to ask questions to your trusted physician, and be aware when you sense changes.
2. Put nutrition at the top of your to-do list.
3. Don't repress things, but practice responding, not reacting (MLC is a good teacher for this!).
4. Find a spiritual or personal development practice that will help alleviate any feelings of blame or shame (toward yourself or others) for any past pains that are currently not threatening your life. Seek counseling if any burden feels too heavy to put down.
5. Control what you can, don't worry about the rest.
We will all transition into the next phase of our lives. If I knew then what I know now, I think I would be in a different situation for myself - but absolutely none of it would have impacted my H. This was all his own personal responsibility, too. To his credit, he did seek mental help when his burden became too heavy, but he didn't commit to the process of finding the right treatment path. But I don't blame him either - he did what he felt was right, and those consequences are, I'm sure, a lot heavier than what he would have had to deal with if he'd just kept moving forward. But it will be a lesson learned, one way or the other.
-
Love the question. Since most of us start working on ourselves right after or right before BD it might have a lot to with us not being thrown into our own MLC. Think about it, the first thing you thought of when it happened was, "What did I do wrong?". Then the soul searching got started.
I can only tell you that from my perspective, I was told for years that I was the problem. He even tried to get me diagnoses with BPD. Even convinced me that I was borderline. That is, until I went for the intake.The Doc looked at me like I was crazy when I told him I thought that I was. He told me that I wasn't a borderline: borderlines don't think that anything's wrong with them. Borderlines also don't seek help, let alone admit they are a borderline. So, I went through a lot of therapy to find out that I wasn't the problem. That was good for me, because I was able to work through my issues long before BD.
The FOO issues are what really causes this. If you have them, get into therapy now, while you still are in your right mind. This isn't something that you want to play with. In fact, the damage/destruction that they do is legendary. Who in their right mind would ever want to do this to another human being, let alone someone they claim to love?
-
Ace question,
Funnily enough I have asked myself this a few times, as there have been a few triggers that could throw me there. For example I know I have missed out a lot interms of sexual relationships with women, 16 years married with xW and minimal sex, what’s to say I won’t go crazy and try to relive the last 16 years by trying to eff anything that moves.
All I can say is that is not on my mind, and I don’t feel any sort of depression or anxiety, so if MLC does hit me it won’t be anything planned or I’m aware of. So I am going to keep on the path that I am on of focussing on myself and my own well being and hope I never come across my own MLC.
Lanzo
-
Personality has something to do with it too. Some people are more aware then others. Emotionally aware. They just know when something isn't right and will more readily get help.
-
I'm worried about this too .. I'm honestly sick of being the responsible one and sometimes feel like I'm just going to snap myself .. why does he get to escape and have all the fun?
-
I'm worried about this too .. I'm honestly sick of being the responsible one and sometimes feel like I'm just going to snap myself .. why does he get to escape and have all the fun?
I know how your feel. But, I would never do this to anyone.
-
Love the question. Since most of us start working on ourselves right after or right before BD it might have a lot to with us not being thrown into our own MLC. Think about it, the first thing you thought of when it happened was, "What did I do wrong?". Then the soul searching got started.
I can only tell you that from my perspective, I was told for years that I was the problem. He even tried to get me diagnoses with BPD. Even convinced me that I was borderline. That is, until I went for the intake.The Doc looked at me like I was crazy when I told him I thought that I was. He told me that I wasn't a borderline: borderlines don't think that anything's wrong with them. Borderlines also don't seek help, let alone admit they are a borderline. So, I went through a lot of therapy to find out that I wasn't the problem. That was good for me, because I was able to work through my issues long before BD.
The FOO issues are what really causes this. If you have them, get into therapy now, while you still are in your right mind. This isn't something that you want to play with. In fact, the damage/destruction that they do is legendary. Who in their right mind would ever want to do this to another human being, let alone someone they claim to love?
That's funny. I can hardly wait to find out your H is BPD. I'm taking bets.... ;D
-
For me, I have no need of an MLC. I have a good life. I love my kids. I enjoy off roading with friends. I HAVE friends. I like my own company. I don't need anyone to validate me (Lord knows I've had to validate myself for these past three years). I owned my own business. I've had many good jobs that I was good at. I'll find another one. I don't believe that life has to be "happy" all the time. I like ALL my emotions, good and bad, and I don't stuff any of them. I exercise. I travel. I don't think there is something "better" out there (different, maybe). It's all an adventure.
I've had an incredibly good life. I've outlived my older sister. I've outlived my father. My MLCer is the one who is losing in this equation. Once my S16 has graduated from high school, it's all gravy. What's to MLC about?
-
What's BPD Offroad?
-
Borderline Personality Disorder.
-
To further what R2T said I learned this from the local mental health team when my S first demonstrated what looked like psychotic behaviour.
We transition approx every 7 years. The transition is normal but for some people it can become challenging. There are chemicals in the brain that are affected at each transition and how those chemicals are balanced is a fine line. If there is an illness or crisis like family death. house move, change of schools/work etc at the time of transition then sometimes those chemicals do not fully regain their equilibrium because of the emotional stress that arises from such a situation. The chemical residue (so to speak) then lingers until the next transition where it tries to correct itself but yet again might fail to do so. So there is a slow and gradual build up.
If the person then has medical intervention like ADs or regular anti biotics for a recurring health issue or any medication for a residual issue like blood pressure then the chemical imbalance is still out of kilter but can either correct itself or get more imbalanced at the next transition.
This is not to say that MLC is chemically induced but it does support that argument that FOO issues are a contributing factor and therefore if the support and help is not there for the person who suffers stress at a time of transition then it can set that chemical ball rolling.
When I learned this - it made much more sense about H my D and My s.
H lost his father and also lost an eye at age 15, had a nervous breakdown at 22,cheated on his first wife at 28, then he met me and all seemed calm, he had a horrible accident at age 35, I had my brief fling when he was 41 and he tried desperately to sail across the Atlantic but had to turn back owing to a most horrendous storm which wrecked the boat at age 55. Every 6-8 years some crisis happened which is not far off the 7 yr regular transition phase.
My D had a horrible bullying incidents at school with the worst at around the age of 8, she had glandular fever at 15, ran away from home at 16 owing to depression brought on by the fever. At 21 she moved in with a girl who was BPD and became subject to domestic violence. Now at 25 she is pregnant, happy and content but she is aware that she needs to deal with her issues before the baby is born.
My S developed serious violent anger issues directly after BD. He was 15. It is a struggle but he now acknowledges that he needs help and has to resolve his issues before it goes too far.
I think that your own MLC could be prevented by being open, honest, healthy and not afraid to deal with the issues as they arise.
-
I think that your own MLC could be prevented by being open, honest, healthy and not afraid to deal with the issues as they arise.
This, I think, is the main thing. A person has to be wiling to deal with whatever issues he or she has and learn to let go of them.
-
I agree with all of that .
I would say I am also a person that deals with stuff as it comes in, I don't push it away ..
obviously I have still stuff to work on that I haven't worked on when I was little and haven't done the working out process then .. However when something bothers me, I go to my closest friends and talk to them immediately to get their viewpoint in it and then I think about stuff in my head and I do not push it away- I work it out right away!
I think that is the biggest issue when it comes to the midlife crises, that people just stuff it and stuff it and stuff it ..
Looking back my husband never was anybody that confronted something head on ..when we had a discussion and he got uncomfortable for him he brother got up and walked away rather than sitting it out and talk .. it annoyed me so badly and I told him many times that he can't do it and you shouldn't !and it needs to be brought up and discussed !
But that is something that he has to learn and obviously it's a reoccurring's thing/theme for him that brought him into this situation which is sad .
when his father died ,who he loved and adored very much, about five years ago ,I think that was the turning point and he never got over it ..although he said he did ,because we talked about it a little ..
but I think he never processed it correctly and for all the trauma that he had before then (like the deployments and seeing the horrible things) he just learned in his mind to stuff it all in a corner ,in a box and left it in there and also he should've worked it out he didn't ..
and then pretty much three years later my mother died ...so we were in the same situation again where he felt sorry for me and his father death came up again (memory) and yet again ,when he had the chance to work it out, he didn't ...and so I think that's what initiated the whole crises ..
I feel emotionally very stable and like I said I don't think I would let myself ever allowed to get into the situation where I do not work something out right away .. That I hope and pray for ..
-
OK this is a total weird question I know.. :o
is it just by working out your own issues ??
because some people do not ever experienced a MLC and others do ..
and of course they do that because they have issues ,emotional stuff that they have never worked out ..
but a lot of people have emotional problems and never experienced a MLC ..
so in order not to get into a midlife crises:
I was just wondering if there's anything one could do to prevent that ..
Again I'm just curious that's all !
Well, l snapped out of mine .
But myself l think there's way way to much emphasis on some childhood stuff or issues .
Maybe yeah that brings some people on but being unhappy in where you find your life or marriage is the main culprit is my guess and l often think l simply see that in a lot of peoples stories here.
That's all it was with me , simple as that.
You see you might start to build your life and family and marriage 20s or 30s. that all take 15, 20yrs , lots of hard work and thinking about and trying to please and trying to do the right thing by your w or h , kids , mortgages , long hours.
Couples start ignoring the important stuff between the two of you because there just isn't time and energy left for long periods.
They start to let themselves go.They have to push each other to get things done . little things become bigger and start to eat at you underneath.
Add , then , we also had all this other stuff thrown into the mix which l just mentioned too in the next post.
So your tired , stressed , going through other crap too , resentment builds, personalities change and the way they treat each other change, and they've stopped looking after themselves and looks fade, your in a rut, you turn around after giving 20yrs of your life thinking of everyone else but yourself and what this is what l end up with, fk this - POP !
That was mine , as simple as that . And you see it in couples all the time and wonder which is gonna pop.
But really, it's not a midlife thing it's been brewing for yrs underneath, that's just the part where it's built up to the point where you've just had enough. You wanna live again and forget the life bs for awhile , while you still can if that's all it got you. You;ve been depressed about it all for years.
l partied it up pretty heavily , often at home , sometimes friends places . There was girls , fun and lots of drinking . Wife really had been driving me nuts to and l was sick to death of all of it .
But within just wks before her bd , l'd turned myself off and around , because l realized that mess it was making and how wrong l'd been. Because even though life had become what t was and wife too , she'd been going through it all too , but then she did something that was the old her and that reminded me of how much l use to love that old her.
So then l started to change think very quickly , that we could be saved if l could find the old her again and she was still in there after all.
But long story short , it was too late. And as l was thinking that wife was seeing counselors , met someone else and was writing me a bd letter and getting ready to pack her bags.
With us , just like a switch flicked in me when l'd had enough , one flicked in w to when she'd had enough .
Except sadly , l realized my ways and flicked back but she didn't and doesn't look like she's ever going to from here.
She's been basically a different person since she left. And what ever it is she is going through , is a bit different to mine just in the way she is acting and the person she seems to be these days.
-
I agree with a lot of what you said hawk.
-
To further what R2T said I learned this from the local mental health team when my S first demonstrated what looked like psychotic behaviour.
We transition approx every 7 years. The transition is normal but for some people it can become challenging. There are chemicals in the brain that are affected at each transition and how those chemicals are balanced is a fine line. If there is an illness or crisis like family death. house move, change of schools/work etc at the time of transition then sometimes those chemicals do not fully regain their equilibrium because of the emotional stress that arises from such a situation. The chemical residue (so to speak) then lingers until the next transition where it tries to correct itself but yet again might fail to do so. So there is a slow and gradual build up.
If the person then has medical intervention like ADs or regular anti biotics for a recurring health issue or any medication for a residual issue like blood pressure then the chemical imbalance is still out of kilter but can either correct itself or get more imbalanced at the next transition.
This is not to say that MLC is chemically induced but it does support that argument that FOO issues are a contributing factor and therefore if the support and help is not there for the person who suffers stress at a time of transition then it can set that chemical ball rolling.
When I learned this - it made much more sense about H my D and My s.
H lost his father and also lost an eye at age 15, had a nervous breakdown at 22,cheated on his first wife at 28, then he met me and all seemed calm, he had a horrible accident at age 35, I had my brief fling when he was 41 and he tried desperately to sail across the Atlantic but had to turn back owing to a most horrendous storm which wrecked the boat at age 55. Every 6-8 years some crisis happened which is not far off the 7 yr regular transition phase.
My D had a horrible bullying incidents at school with the worst at around the age of 8, she had glandular fever at 15, ran away from home at 16 owing to depression brought on by the fever. At 21 she moved in with a girl who was BPD and became subject to domestic violence. Now at 25 she is pregnant, happy and content but she is aware that she needs to deal with her issues before the baby is born.
My S developed serious violent anger issues directly after BD. He was 15. It is a struggle but he now acknowledges that he needs help and has to resolve his issues before it goes too far.
I think that your own MLC could be prevented by being open, honest, healthy and not afraid to deal with the issues as they arise.
We'd also had most of those things happen and l lost both parents.
And wife had had huge things go on over our last few yrs too plus we'd moved to a new state and she was coping with me going off.
But for me that was all just part of it and the icing on the 17yr cake , just part of where my life and marriage had ended up, on top of the rest. lt wasn't the cause as such .
And when wife snapped , l knew everything already mostly and she told me everything.
And most of what she told me was real. But some was also serious stress, just quitting and needing an escape and then some typical bd stuff thrown in too.
But we'd both been through a huge amount. l understood where she was at and l couldn't blame her. But l couldn't understand her quitting on us or the om when l'd turned and was ready to grow old together.
She even told me she still wanted to grow old together 6wks before she left, after l turned.
-
Jus a thought, but one of the reasons the MLcer is not doing anything but reacting in the beginning is becuase the changes are not concious. So to my mind you can only prevent so much. Once the hormones, brain chemistry etc etc takes hold then you are not thinking with the same set of faculties or rationality.
Keeping health mind and body befeore hand is all well and good, but everything else is outwith your own control. Even the most self aware people have tricky transitions.
Sd
X
-
Ps. Meant to say that most of us women have experienced the pmt symptoms. You may well know what it is and why you just lost your grip with something stupid, but it is still happening. You can prevent what comes out your mouth but the feelings and emotions are there.
-
But l couldn't understand her quitting on us or the om when l'd turned and was ready to grow old together.
She even told me she still wanted to grow old together 6wks before she left, after l turned.
I can understand that, though. You GOT to have your fun time, party time, other girls time, etc. She didn't. Why should you get to do all those things you wanted with no regard for her feelings, and she doesn't get to do the same? Remember, she went through all the same things in the marriage that you did. In her case, she also had the added stressor of your MLC. If you look at it as you just popped first, and she didn't get her chance to do so when she was under all the same stressors as you were plus your MLC, it makes more sense that she may have just given up.
-
Your right Offroad. Really if anything, she had even more stresses than me and big health stuff going on to, then add me onto all that.
l really couldn't blame her, it was a perfect storm and she had given up. And she'd been thinking l was gone gone long ago.
l don't think she believed l was back and l wasn't gonna leave then.
l hoped that after a yr or so away, she might turn and see what l saw earlier, feel better, see our family, us, me, we were a great couple before it all went Sth.
-
hawk,
I think you are looking at all this very honestly. You saw your part in it and you aren't putting blame on her.
That's good!
Now all you can do is step back, keep improving yourself and pray she comes out of it. You guys may have a good chance if she does.
-
Thanks for that Thunder
ln this odd kinda way l do feel like one of the lucky ones bc l at least do know and get what happened .
But , unfortunately nothing seems to have made any difference since and l pretty well consider it done these days , she still doesn't look like she'll ever change her mind .
Earlier on , around the 12-16mth mark for awhile l was sure she was swaying but then l got divorce papers and she pushed it so , guess not.
-
HAWK,
There was a time when I thought mine was wavering too, but nope! He went through with it.
I guess they just have to get rid of you to find out it wasn't you after all. ::)
-
Hello,
Please forgive me if this has already been discussed. I did a quick search for it and didn't see anything.
I am trying to detach emotionally from my dh and build a life for myself and my 4 children (12, 9, 6 and 2.5) that I am happy with regardless of whether or not dh returns.
I am wondering whether or not MLC can stem from unresolved childhood issues and if so, what I can do for my children so that they don't go through MLC and put their future spouse through what I have been through.
Many thanks. :)
-
Love them unconditionally.
Check out Erichson's stages of learning and insure that they make it through each step.
Let GO and Pray!
Edit - I also suggest you might start your own thread to get more support - OldPilot
-
HFB, all you can do is to model a survivor's attitude. Let them learn from watching you. OP is right, love them unconditionally. Let them know that no matter what, they are still loved.
I would put more effort into your own survival, than trying to derail a possible MLC. You can't control anyone other than yourself.
-
HFB I wonder this each and every day. This is also mentioned on my thread, but I read that children often "hide" traumas without language in the right side of the brain, where, unresolved, they later are more likely to be acted out than talked about.
To that end, I try hard to openly discuss what is going on with mine (S7). My IC encouraged me to validate his feelings so he doesn't feel like he needs to hide them; I also try to notice when he is angry and acting up and ask if it's related to his dad. I think it's really important that be be able to trust his observations and feel empowered so I don't pretend everything is okay and support him when he has gotten angry with his dad. I also have tried to offer perspective that children go through all sorts of things -- illness of parent, loss, even war and famine -- and that he isn't alone. I keep telling him it's possible to learn positive lessons from bad experiences.
I'm also trying to shower him with attention and love right now so that he doesn't feel abandoned by me, keep his routines, and remind him he is still the same little boy we love so much. Others may disagree but I told him his dad was in a crisis right now but wouldn't always be this way. I think I need to be very aware of "triggers" as he gets older and hopefully overwrite them if at all possible.
Since there has been so much MLC in my H's family I think I would also make him super aware of the symptoms leading up to a crisis, especially depression and anger.
I truly and genuinely hope my H has the last crisis of the family. I would love to other's tips and thoughts as this has been a constant preoccupation.
-
A child will be ok as long as they are able to form a secure attachment with at least one adult. Usually that adult is one of the parents but it doesn't have to be. Not forming a secure attachment while young can lead to all sorts of problems in later life. I've read that the emptiness inside that a lot of us feel and try to fill with addictive substances and/or behaviors is actually caused by the emptiness of growing up without a secure attachment. Here's a pretty good article.
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/secure-attachment/what-is-secure-attachment-and-bonding.htm (http://www.helpguide.org/articles/secure-attachment/what-is-secure-attachment-and-bonding.htm)
-
Great article, MB. Very useful. :)
V, you are doing a good job. I love that you explain bad things happen but they can learn from them.
Also, I see nothing wrong with telling your kids is not himself right now. He's not!
I think it takes some of the confusion and blame away from them.