Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: forthetrees on January 18, 2011, 07:09:19 PM
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As one who has in-laws actively in pursuit of a D, I am wondering how much influence they hold over the outcome. I would bet the farm that H does not tell the whole story and therefore the picture they are seeing is warped. Got verbal reinforcement from H yesterday as to his parents active involvement in favor of the dissolution of the M and I´m trying not to throw in the towel.
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Think it does have an affect but not something that will bring them out. I'm going to think on this one a bit more.
(((hugs)))
As far as that towel, I am trying to hold off on officially throwing it till I have stayed 'done' for a while.
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As one who has in-laws actively in pursuit of a D, I am wondering how much influence they hold over the outcome. I would bet the farm that H does not tell the whole story and therefore the picture they are seeing is warped. Got verbal reinforcement from H yesterday as to his parents active involvement in favor of the dissolution of the M and I´m trying not to throw in the towel.
In my opinion, it doesn't, because they have most likely shut their families out of the loop....my husband stopped contacting his family while he was in the crisis for whatever reason; and he dumped his friends for awhile.
Their families would tell them like it is; and that is not something they want to hear; either that, or they are ashamed of what they have become while within the tunnel; somehow they know their family won't be fooled.
Even if the take the OW/OM to meet family; they will still shut their ears to what they have to say about what they are doing.
Just my thoughts. :)
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My husband distanced himself from his family and best friend because he knew, deep down inside what they would think and he was ashamed. So, NO, it didnt' stop him, but it does influence them the same way how we behave influences them in the end... just not in the middle.
I believe in taking the high road and NOT involving friends and family in a lose-lose situation taking sides and giving opinion and advice... I trust that the MLCer will reach out to someone they trust at a later date OR someone will cross their path that speaks some truth to them when they are open to hearing it.
Trying to involve other people is manipulation and airing of dirty laundry and guilty knowledge in my opinion, but that only pertains to my particular sitch. :)
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In my sitch...
BOTH our families AND friends are AGAINST what all h has been doing and are COMPLETELY AGAINST DIVORCE...
he hasnt completely distanced himself from them, however he doesnt hear a word they say...he has literally back in his really bad monster days, SCREAMED at them that they dont understand, he CANT go back...even to the extent of telling my FIL it is none of his business....
honestly I think they hear what is being said, but I dont think it means anything to them...that is why they run to new friends...ow/friend because the get praised and validated!
hope this helps...
L
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My H has distanced himself from his family and his pre MLC friends. He has never mentioned a word about any of this to his parents, everything they know they have heard it from me. This makes me feel really bad when it is their son that I am talking about, but they have been very supportive towards me and the girls. His mum rings me every week for an update of the situation, tells me how ashamed she is of their son and that no matter what happens I will always be their daughter in law. They still view me as very much part of the family and so do his sisters and brother. He is the one on the outside of any family get-togethers and looks very uncomfortable in those situations probably due to his guilt. H will only visit his parents if he knows someone else will be there. He has never liked confrontation so avoids putting himself in a position where there is a chance that could happen.
Whether this will have any effect in the long run, I have no idea.
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In my case I am pretty sure there is no ow and I do know that H talks to his parents daily. I don´t know what they talk about, but I do know that my in-laws see me in a negative light. One comment sticks with me- MIL said, "He was such a happy baby." (ie- what have I done to make him miserable. I know that at some level they know he is depressed but they can´t go to the level of using depressed and therefore chose the path of DIL making him sad. They are very concerned about appearances and this does not fit with their self-projected image. It´s been hard b/c if they had worked with me for depression intervention, we could be way past the worst. My MIL has never been thrilled with me and now she has free reign to express it to H. Don´t know if that is happening or not.
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I don't think anyone's opinion has any influence on the MLC'er. My H went from having virtually no relationship with his mom to wanting to talk with her constantly when his MLC began. They were not close at all, but she became ill and he told her how much he cared about her. Then, he began blaming her for our issues....thought she should have watched our children more. That caused distance....that seems to remain.
As for friends, all of our friends are long-term marriages. We have all attended church together for many years. Several has asked me why he tells them he wants a divorce (even told a few I won't sign the papers...the ones I never received), but stays in the house.
My H has a much older friend (25 years his senior) that has known him since he was a youth group member. He is an elder at are church and has tried to address H's obvious changes. My H does not respond well at all.
I think, deep down, he knows that leaving his wife is wrong and it causes him personal turmoil....that becomes anger.
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I'll put in my .02. My in-laws disliked me intensely because I set high standards for their boy and expected him to function as an adult. They withdrew from our lives for the most part, never knowing our children, moved away to the south of the US. Never visited. So when H started going into MLC with all his disquiet and unhappiness, spouting (I'm just guessing here) about how I made him unhappy, I can imagine that his sister and his parents seized on that and encouraged him, "to pursue his own happiness". As H went ahead and abandoned me for his OW, shortly thereafter to be dumped by OW. Their little boy was left crying about how he "was all alone and didn't belong anywhere". It made his MLC exceptionally traumatic. Too bad, you get what you ask for-
Well, that is a situation that he created for himself but with their full support. The twist is this: now it would be uncomfortable for him now to admit that what his family and his friends (his only support system he has left, who listened to how unhappy he was and encouraged him to go after his happiness with OW), how they were all wrong now, for him to make an About-Face and come back after we have divorced. Surely they have no idea what the ultimate result was to him (i.e. huge unhappiness) or the emotional turmoil that he went through because he followed their advice (keeping in mind he is juvenile in his decision-making). I doubt he will ever have that much courage...
Created a bit of a hole for himself, I'd say. Overall I think that other people can influence the MLCer if he is looking for one of two things: 1) Support for his plan (and it aligns with the in-law's self-interest), or 2) he is a consummate co-dependent & conflict avoider such that once he throws the wife overboard, he must attach to something so it becomes his family of origin (who would never abandon him whatever he did). In those instances, I think that friends and in-laws are the enemy of an LBS if they are the type who preach "pursue your own happiness at all costs". My XH learned his avoidant behavior from his parents so they are not going to be the type to encourage him to face the pain, are they? Easier to coach him to run away from it all and vault off to OW, the supreme happiness.
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hi my view - they can at the beginnning to seek assurence they are right or find new friends who ge his MLC ' picture of you' and so only know this you!!
X
My H has never to friends said anything negative about me - that is because he NEVER mentions me at all He HE
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I don't know if there is a pattern when it comes to "In-Laws", but when we were married my ex-MIL lived with us for 12 years. Ex-MIL saw how I was to her daughter. During those wonderful years I was the better of the 2 son in laws as she always express it verbally in almost every occasion or family gatherings. When ex-Wife went into the tunnel the only thing she can do to get people on her side and to agree with the divorce is to accuse me of being "sexually abusive" to her. Obviously the only place that the ex-MIL could not be with us is in our room, so instead of trusting what she has witnessed in the 12 yrs and trusted how she viewed me, she immediately agreed with her daughter and encouraged her to file the divorce. Take note: I tried defending myself to my ex-MIL, I told her there was something really off with our "Male Guests" who was an old suitor of my ex-Wife when she was in High School that I allowed to stay in our house for the Labor day weekend. Guess what. ex-Wife's current boyfriend is indeed that Guest that we had, yet ex-MIL didn't even reach out and say anything to her daughter. Ex-MIL up to now treats me as if we've never met. So now in my ex-Wife's family, and new set of friends I am just an ex-Husband that sexually abused her. What's funny though... when she filed the divorce she couldn't even put on the "Reason for Divorce" what she is accusing me of. So for my situation you can definitely place one under the column that says "Yes in-laws affected the outcome".
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It's interesting for me to read this discussion. Both of my in-laws are deceased (btw--one of the factors I believe behind the MLC). I often wished at least my MIL was around. I don't know how FIL would have reacted, but I suspect my MIL would have sent more than one truth dart H's way. She certainly would have let him cry on her shoulder, but I also like to think she would have told him a few truths.
I know the family he does have would not share their truthful opinions with him. There is too much convoluted history between them and the OW and some other things. There was no one in his family to speak any truth to him.